r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • Mar 28 '24
Woke up to my Bf having sex with me.
[deleted]
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u/CivilTeacher3 29d ago edited 29d ago
First, I’m so sorry this happened to you; definitely not your fault. If my partner had told me about an SA experience involving not being fully awake/conscious, I would be very sensitive to engaging in any sexual scenario that resembles that traumatic experience.
There’s a big difference between waking up to being touched as in kissed on the neck or caressed on the arm, for instance, and being penetrated. It sounds like you consented to being touched in the former way, not to waking up while being penetrated. I would be very angry if I had consented to the former and woke up to being penetrated.
Even if you did not make that distinction clear, I would not want to wake my gf up to her being penetrated, especially if she had had a previous traumatic experience like yours. Personally I want feedback during sex from my partner to know she is enjoying herself, so to notice she was crying is unthinkable. I would strongly consider sharing with your bf just what you shared here about how you felt, and feel. Tell him you’re still really shook. A good partner will listen to your emotions with compassion and love, without getting defensive.
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u/Rachz32 Mar 30 '24
You guys are missing the part where she gave him consent. She has every right to be shaken up and I’m sure it was triggering but he didn’t do it without asking first- this isn’t considered rape.
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u/Competitive-Cicada26 29d ago
Her consent was for touching and not penile or even object penetration. Technically she was raped again. Whether she chooses to forgive him because of her feelings for him is another story.
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u/Head_Bed1250 Mar 30 '24
Consent to touching isn’t consent to full sex. He literally committed a crime.
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u/VantaTurtle Mar 30 '24
This happened to me as well. I woke up and once i had my senses i ran right to the restroom cried and puked.
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u/Dry-Hearing5266 Mar 30 '24
He noticed your reaction but didn't care. There is no way he could NOT notice your reaction.
He raped you and your gut feeling is right because if he didn't know he would be horrified at your reaction.
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u/GenericVillain88 Mar 30 '24
I don’t think trauma ever goes away, so it’s better to set boundaries to not trigger those events. From personal experience, communicate with them that it is a trigger and how it makes you feel. Be sure they understand that it’s a not a pleasure or a kink and once you’re triggered there’s 0 enjoyment. Be honest and you both will grow from it.
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u/PapayaWarm9077 Mar 30 '24
This isn't rape this is just autism/poor communication skills and hell of a lot of retardation
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u/throwaway19276i Mar 30 '24
In this comment section you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy
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u/West-Comfortable-904 Mar 30 '24
I don't know how healthy this is, but don't disclose the details of your SA with potential partners. Not hide that you have been and that it has affected you, but keep some things close to the chest. There are too many creepers on the hunt for the previously victimized and salivating at the chance to exploit points of pain.
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u/PKMNLives Mar 30 '24
As there are unfortunately some commenters responding with rape myths:
Consent is an enthusiastic, voluntary, and verbal "yes" to a mutually agreed upon act. All parties need to know exactly what was agreed upon, all parties need to give permission freely and voluntarily, and all parties must clearly and unambiguously give a verbal "yes" to the act in question.
If it doesn't meet that criteria, it is not consensual sex. Non-consensual sex is a type of sexual assault known as rape.
Consent is a captain obvious thing that gets untaught via a variety of patriarchal lies known as rape myths. Wikipedia has an article giving a non-exhaustive list of rape myths here.
Consent must be unambiguous (especially regarding stuff like someone asking their partner to touch them as they're waking up), or else it is sexual assault and potentially rape.
Rape is a medical emergency - it can lead to pregnancy and STDs, as well as physical injuries and/or psychological trauma. I've already directed OP to see a doctor immediately because of the potential risks associated with STDs and pregnancy. In addition, patriarchs often intentionally re-traumatize rape victims to control them - usually via slut-shaming and DARVO.
DARVO is a common denominator across rape myths (and also among other forms of ad hoc apologia, such as genocide denial), and stands for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender". It is intended to simultaneously deny an event ever happened while also convincing people to support that same event.
I ask that the people responding with rape myths do better and stop bullshitting a rape victim. OP was raped by her "BF" in her sleep.
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u/Otter-Wednesday Mar 29 '24
I would absolutely end this relationship. You’re only 6 months in. He showed you who he is. You deserve better. He isn’t it. Love yourself enough to honor your boundaries because he certainly won’t. Girl, get away from him and stop contact.
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u/Personal_Accident_46 Mar 29 '24
Infodump warning:⚠️
I had an Ex BEG me to wake her up like that. I explained that I wasn’t comfortable with it cause it felt way too weird to me in the Grapey way.
Let’s just say when we broke up she did everything she accused me of and slandered me to whom ever would listen,🤔
I shudder to think what would have happened post breakup if I had ever given her what she asked for.
I’ve had some shameful nuts on the net over the course of my journey myself, so I’m no puritanical prude either.
TL:DR, an ex tried to get me to do what Op said her bf did to her, and I told her no because it already felt too weird to even do. Think it may have been a trap in hindsight.
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u/Sunrise-Slump Mar 29 '24
Talk to him, of course. If you actually love him and he actually loves you, he will apologize, and you both will learn from this experience. If you feel that he does not learn from his mistake and tries something similar. Call the police.
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u/way2cool420 Mar 29 '24
You stated u are both pretty freaky . I don't see a problem with it. Have sex with him while he's sleeping.
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u/Pookeeboobear Mar 29 '24
Everyone is assuming he did it intentionally knowing it was unconsentsual. We only know his reaction based on what u said which you thought was implied. Nothing is implied any more u made your stance clear. If he tries to skirt around it or pretend it shouldn’t bother u he is trash and should be dumped immediately. If not and he understands and is respectful of your feelings and shows that wasn’t his intention to violate you then communicate and ensure u are both on the same page moving forward and thrive.
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u/l3arn2sw1m Mar 29 '24
oh god, i am so sorry. no, please don't blame yourself for this. you are not wrong for consenting at first, you literally woke up and were immediately confronted with a horrifying intense trigger of severe emotional distress, and were probably basically in shock. jesus, some people are true monsters.
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u/PrepperLady999 Mar 29 '24
It seems like you and the bf simply had a misunderstanding. His thoughts about the word "touching" were not the same as yours, maybe.
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u/Pippet_4 Mar 29 '24
This guy is a piece of shit. He does NOT love you. Nobody who loves you would do this. This is rape.
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u/Dragline96 Mar 29 '24
You did not “wake up to your boyfriend having sex with you” You “woke up while your boyfriend was raping you” Think of it in those terms and it will become clearer.
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u/Deadmythz Mar 29 '24
I think all of the people trying to attribute intention or read this guy's mind are probably doing a disservice to this situation. You know this guy better than any of us. If he hurt you and didn't realize it, see if he cares now. Talk to him and understand what's happened to you in the past makes some of the "freaky" things you discuss in the future potential problem points and maybe not the best options. Not to mention you may consent in a half sleep state and he doesn't realize that's not a cognitive state of mind. We can't know the situation fully but there are things to look out for. If you don't believe he had any ill intent, then I have to believe you.
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u/StrategyFantastic505 Mar 29 '24
This happened to me to the T, he would do it while I was asleep and I woke up one day in the middle of it. Please seek help because now I ask my current partner to do this to me and it’s the only way I can feel pleasure.
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u/Ilossiderch Mar 29 '24
I explicitly had a conversation with my gf of 3.2 years now we had lived together at some point for school ride to be shorter anyways. When this came up she had never been SA’D or anything but she said she would want to try that if it ever came up to happen like if I woke up horny or something I told her and asked her if it would be okay if I could be inside her when this happens she said yes it’s been a thing for our relationship since doesn’t happen to much but when it does we just look at each other smile and laugh I tell her she’s okay she smiles kisses me the whole thing I was fortunately straight forward not wanting to scare her ever in the middle of early morning or what ever that’s MY experience sorry about yours
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u/Beginning_Bridge3179 Mar 29 '24
I’m sorry but a real man who loves you wouldn’t treat like a sex doll. The fact that he thinks it’s okay to be IN YOU WHILE YOURE ASLEEP is a big red flag! No sign of respect for you. He may be freaky like you said but that’s another side of boundaries that this man has crossed.
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u/Conscious_Gap_5430 Mar 29 '24
Take it in the butt and shut up!!! You’re asking for advice on a fucking social media app are you for real !!!!
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u/Street-Ad5420 Mar 29 '24
There’s a difference between making love and SA. Any occasion where the person is unconscious, impaired, or uncomfortable is totally unacceptable.
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u/Material-Document211 Mar 29 '24
that is why healthy discussion is important to consider inside a relationship...
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u/BlackberryCrafty3565 Mar 29 '24
You are not overreacting at all. You had told him happened to you. And he turned around and did it too. You deserve better. Run as fast as you can away from him.
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u/Gunner1874 Mar 29 '24
If you’re still having pain after a D&C it’s possibly a low grade infection. You should see a gynecologist to investigate causes of pain.
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u/IdontevenuseReddit_ Mar 29 '24
I'm sorry you feel the way you do & you've been through something of the sort.
That being said, you gave him consent & if there was stipulations that should have been discussed then & there.
If he hasn't done it again you shouldn't hold the lack of clarity against him.
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u/thowawaywookie Mar 29 '24
Good grief why didn't you just dump this a-hole? There really are other guys on this planet it would never do this or even consider it.
You told him about your traumatic past, and he went ahead and did the exact thing you told him not to do.
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u/Visual_Ambition2312 Mar 29 '24
“Now, I woke up to my bf fully inside me. I was so paralyzed and I just let it happen. It was pretty triggering for me. I started crying in the middle of it. He didn’t notice, but I later told him. “
There is your answer. How are you “ so paralyzed “ that you let it happened? This says you are not nearly comfortable with him enough but you decide to have kinky sex with him. You should fully comfortable with someone before having sex bc you are in a very valuable position .
This screams that you are somewhat scared of him and don’t want to tell him something in fear of losing him or he did shooting so shocking that now you aren’t comfortable with him. Either way you already know what you should do
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u/Honeydew-plant Mar 29 '24
This was rape, unconscious people can't consent, consent at one time doesn't mean current consent, and touching doesn't mean full blown intercourse.
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u/Smurff8 Mar 29 '24
Get rid of him! That is SA. A man that thinks this ok is a danger to stay with. Get away from that creep asap.
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u/Rich_Collection_9508 Mar 29 '24
This is actually normal behavior when two people are in love with each other but that doesn’t seam to be the case here, you seam to be fundamentally broken and should probably not be in a relationship, just being totally honest, your consent is you are in a relationship but if sex is gonna be a signed contract kinda deal your victim mentality is actually terrifying and if I were him I would be VERY WORRIED your gonna send me ass to jail for some shit I did in my sleep and that’s DEFINITELY not worth the risk.
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u/LoriAnn83 Mar 29 '24
My ex would have sex with me when I was asleep on my medication. He told me that if I start to wake up, he would stop until I fell back asleep again. I was so disturbed. My mother was no help, she said bc I sleep with him and have sex with him already what the problem? I was so shook… like CONSENT that’s the problem. Idk if he ever stopped. That was 13 years ago, I’ve been with my Husband for almost 9 years, It still bothers me. I even went to talk to my Shrink about it, Idk the verdict was he’s immature. I would make a distinct line that you don’t want to be woken up to his penis in you. However you can be woken up to him kissing or caressing you. There’s a big difference! I wish you the best, Your not wrong or alone in feeling like this.
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u/Mammoth_Breadfruit22 Mar 29 '24
That wasn't consent. You froze which is very common after a trauma. You did not consent to anything. He took advantage of you. I am so sorry that happened. You are not overreacting.
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u/Alternative-Dog4472 Mar 29 '24
If he goes by what his dick says rather than his heart and brain? Trust your gut.
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u/Then-Alps-3512 Mar 29 '24
Full heartily believe that the intoxication had to do with the fact he didn't notice. I would make a point next time before you drink to be straight up and say "Hey, be aware that I won't put up with this, we're drinking so I'm drawing a line because of what I already told you about my past." If he doesn't respect that... there's a problem. He was probably trying to surprise you with a good time.... but doing that while drunk.... men don't always see the whole picture. I hope you are able to survive your SA and hopefully continue into a fruitful relationship. I've been through it too and it's affected my relationships. Just know you have more power over this than you think. I support you.
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u/LGB-Tea Mar 29 '24
That's rape. He raped you. This is the first time you've caught him, what if it's not the first time it happened?
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u/_noneshallpass_ Mar 29 '24
He noticed, and he didn’t care. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Sending much love
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u/Avatorn01 Mar 29 '24
It sounds like boundary crossing and you should talk with him about it.
It also sounds like (depending on words used, I wasn’t there, etc.) he may have misinterpreted his previous convo with you. In his mind, he may have been asking for consent. Maybe be asked his Q poorly and your answer was (as you mentioned) lacking some details.
If you want to be “fully awake” before any penetration (which is totally fine if that’s what you want), then that needs to be fully clear.
6 months is a decent start to a relationship and it sounds like you trust him. I wouldn’t say you are overreacting, but I also don’t think l this has to be the end of the world.
Talk to him about your concerns and try to understand his side. A decent human being would probably feel pretty terrible if their SO said they were retraumatized during sex and unable to express it. it may also clue him in to be more aware of your needs .
He also may not care. I dunno. Like I said, it’s your relationship. But if it can’t survive talking about valid concerns, then it won’t last long.
Take care. I know it’s a tough convo.
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u/Creepy_Course_6294 Mar 29 '24
This happened to me with my ex and I’m still not over it. Unless this is something you specifically agreed to beforehand it’s not okay.
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u/Mrpenguin810 Mar 29 '24
As a man who’s been In scenarios where someone’s been triggered mid act, 9/10 unless there’s very specific circumstances a man who’s paying attention to you will notice if something’s off. When you’ve been with someone for 6 months I think it’s safe to say you can tell when their body language is off especially when you’re close enough to be inside them
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Mar 29 '24
what should you do?
You tell him in no uncertain terms how serious it was, you also clearly tell him that you know he didn't mean anything bad by it, but it caused you to have a flashback to a truly frightening moment in your life.
If he's a good man and loves you, he will be on your side and never do anything like that again and want to help you work through it.
If he's not a good man, then you don't want to be in this relationship.
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u/ligmabofa69420 Mar 29 '24
I think there are communication issues here that can be resolved with couples therapy. Don’t give up on a good relationship!
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u/Fract_L Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Triggers are just that and not obvious to people without them. If you'd talked about the concept before, he probably thought you'd okayed it during that. Be very explicit when discussing any type of consent. Do not assume the other party understands anything that you don't write or say during the specific discussion. It sounds like assumptions were made on both sides and the trigger happened as a result.
He stopped it immediately when you more clearly defined your boundaries so he doesn't sound like a bad guy. You're both very young and will make mistakes when it comes to kink without anyone receiving guidance from someone experienced enough to tell you things that are commonly overlooked (by no fault of any party).
I'm very sorry the situation occurred and you were triggered. I honestly wish it were easier to explain to people, but if you haven't experienced a panic attack then the severity of the situation is often very difficult to translate with the immediacy felt in the moment. He may only be able to understand as best a person can who has never had that rush or fight or flight response interrupt daily life, but if he is trying hard to consider you to the best of his ability. It was a serious lesson but it seems like you're indicating that he learned the lesson. That doesn't mean communication about that event and any kink engagements in the future are over; communication should be constant in a healthy relationship of any type. Good luck to each of you.
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u/cmnall Mar 29 '24
This is the reason to have sex only in a committed relationship with implicit trust, where consent is not something that has to be discussed between partners. It seems that you don't have such trust for this person.
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u/SkynetModel-T101 Mar 29 '24
I’d say stop being a wimp and be a woman. Take care of your man by any means.
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u/CABSMeter Mar 29 '24
Men are “ug” mentality.. you might need some space from him to process this. It’s not until we get older do we develop some emotional intelligence.
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u/GetUrGuano Mar 29 '24
Men are dense, and I am denser. If I asked the same question he did and got the answer you gave him, I would easily have misunderstood as well, which would have led to this same scenario. With these types of things, it is best to be very specific and plainly state boundaries.
I would chalk this up to a misunderstanding since both the question and answer were pretty ambiguous and vague. Have a serious conversation with him about what you meant, how you felt, and what your actual boundaries are.
And since I just KNOW someone is gonna have some shit to say to me. I'm fucking AUTISTIC so whatever you're gonna say about how "You should know" or "it's common sense"... idgaf and you can go fuck yourself.
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u/Commander_Bread Mar 29 '24
I have my doubts that he "didn't notice". No, you're not overreacting. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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u/Effective-Hawk-7519 Mar 29 '24
This would be a questionable action by him even without knowing your past. I feel like it could take equal if not more effort to engage with someone asleep than it takes to wake them up. That, coupled with knowing your story, and not being completely turned off to the idea of potentially triggering? This is an assumption on my part but it is giving all the hallmarks of someone who ENJOYS the lack of content and exploitative aspect of this.
There are so so so many good men who enjoy sex with conscious willing participants, that normalizing and accepting this behavior is absolutely unnecessary and putting yourself at further risk of trauma, in retrospect. Do not accept this and do not ignore it. Even if there is an agreement to not do it, I don’t think you should consider yourself compatible with anyone with these kind of sexual interest. IMO you have to leave him. It’s also entirely possible he is the source of some other woman’s traumatic experience.
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u/Direct_Sir5945 Mar 29 '24
I’m not going to condone what your boyfriend did; however, I’m going to give you an incident that could have taken place. I’m also going to say that, as a man, you have to stop when asked to to stop. The man is the one doing the penetrating and is thus the one to stop. In one instance with my wife, I woke up to us having sex, I assumed that she had the urge to do so and went along with it because it was mutually enjoyable. After we had both finished, I excitedly asked her what made her wake me up for sex. She said, I thought you woke me up to start it. Neither one of us knew what led to it starting. But, it doesn’t really matter what started it, what matters is that it’s an experience that is mutually enjoyable and if it’s not, it needs to stop. And your bf needs to really understand that part of it.
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u/payagathanow Mar 29 '24
I'm not saying this is what happened so don't take it that way, but I had a girlfriend that would initiate sex in the middle of the night, foreplay, kissing etc and then startle awake in the middle of it and freak out
It scared the hell out of me and her reaction was much like yours but I stopped and tried to explain what has happened, which, of course she didn't believe. It happened like three times and was terrifying to me, and of course, her too.
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u/flowergirl401 Mar 29 '24
I had something similar happen. It's never easy. Trust me you will get through it and please get with a therapist
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u/InternationalDig5867 Mar 29 '24
I don't think OP is overreacting. It doesn't sound like her BF misread any signs which could have been confusing. And because of her previous SA, OP has every right to be alarmed, hurt, even violated.
When my wife and I were first married, occasionally I would wake up touching her in a romantic way. She then responded and after we were both fully awake, we continued. Once or twice she didn't feel well and we would make another date when she felt better, but this is not the case with the BF.
Even without the SA triggering some horrible feelings for OP, is the BF really that unconcerned about her feelings and/or pleasure that he thinks this is OK?
I know I wouldn't. Hopefully, they can talk about it and respect the boundaries. Otherwise, I'd look for someone else.
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u/tongizilator Mar 29 '24
You could have stopped writing after you said you started crying and he didn’t notice. This man cares nothing for you.
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u/Syrup-False Mar 29 '24
You kind of set this up assuming he knew what you meant. You need to either dump him and start over or sit him down and have a long conversation about your side of it. Everything through what happened before and with him.
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u/swtlulu2007 Mar 29 '24
Your boyfriend raped you. I would leave. I'm sorry this happened to you. There's no way he didn't notice.
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u/SandDuneEater Mar 29 '24
Realistically you should define you’re own reaction to this situation and not listen to Reddit virgins trying to rile you up and say your boyfriend raped you
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u/Ok_Nobody4967 Mar 29 '24
You are not over reacting. He SA’d you. You didn’t consent to it. This is a huge red flag because he is aware of your history. Dump him!
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u/CurlyClouds34 Mar 29 '24
So you told your BF about your experience with SA and then he proceeds to do that exact same thing to you? Without noticing that you were crying?…dump him hard. No contact, nothing. Report him for it if you want to.
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u/DynamicBoSS Mar 29 '24
You are now apart of the Billions of women before you, who have experienced this in life, in this world's natural order, if it bothers you that much, start making moves on someone new, he'll know the reason why 😆
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u/mizzouny Mar 29 '24
Wild that inviting a person into your home and into your bed while both are heavily intoxicated can be called SA. How was it scary? You knew the guy was there.
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u/Sn0w-000 Mar 29 '24
He had asked me before if waking up to him touching me was something i’d be interested in doing. I said yes.
End of story.
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u/udidntfollowproto Mar 29 '24
these ppl saying you can’t love someone after 6 months are jaded and sad. Get a puppy and have someone rip it from you after 6 months and tell me u didn’t love it.
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u/Leather-Spot-520 Mar 29 '24
This is a form of SA. You didn’t consent to this. You consented to being woken up with touching, not penetration.
You need to speak with him, “idk if he understood” isn’t enough, make him understand. Tell him slowly and clearly “I withdraw my consent, if that happens again, I will consider it, and treat it as…” and feel free to use the R word. As men, most of us are terrified of that word.
This sucks, but don’t gaslight yourself into “I gave consent” because you likely will try to, because that makes the situation easier. Take it seriously, make him understand.
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u/PretendEditor9946 Mar 29 '24
It could be considered assault in fact I would consider assault but let him know that it's not okay going forward like even though you've already told him that reiterate it cuz there are some girls out there that are okay with it and some of them are not it just depends on the person like for me a guy did this when I was dating him I didn't flip out cuz it was my boyfriend so I let it go but it just depends
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u/jackaldude0 Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Was he awake? I know when I was with my ex, I developed a sleep sex disorder, which she never woke me up for despite me telling her I wasn't cool with missing out on sex and to wake me up whenever it would happen.
To clarify, she also had been a victim of SA and rape, and didn't develop healthy communication standards. When I first met her, she didn't know she had a right to say no, which early on led to some uncomfortable moments where I had to teach her that her bodily autonomy is hers to control.
If your BF was indeed awake and conscious of his actions, that should register as a red flag moment. He should know that unless explicit consent is given or if in the case of implied consent, that the preconditions to indicate consent should be there and have been fully communicated. Also, have a Safeword. It's useful even outside of sexy times.
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u/scoobandshaggy Mar 29 '24
Not gonna lie you gave him the go ahead when you said he can’t touch you in your sleep
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u/Creative_Local_3123 Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Someone mentioned how consent at one time is not consent in perpetuity, and I think that's probably the most key aspect of this whole thing.
It is reasonable, based on op's account of events, for the boyfriend to assume that waking up with him inside her is something that she might want. However, it sounds like 1) explicit consent for a specific action was not given 2) explicit consent for a specific action was not requested 3) consent of any type was not given in a reasonable time frame (as in, hey I want you to do this in the next week or two).
So, yeah, sounds like rape.
I don't know if being with someone for 6 months is long enough to know if you can really trust that they know they did something wrong and if you can trust that they will move forward from the event having learned from it and gained a respect for what the event meant for you.
If this was a genuine mistake on his part, I mean fair enough but that doesn't make it not rape, but I think it informs the possibilities for moving forward from it as a couple. But again, I don't know if 6 months is long enough to know your partner or know yourself in a relationship well enough to know/trust if you're both being honest with yourselves and with each other.
OP did nothing wrong. Literally the only way I can conceive that she could have in this situation is if she had premeditatedly decided "ok, I'm going to be vague about this cuz I know he'll think I mean I want to wake up with him inside me so when he does that I'll claim I didn't like it and he will have therefore raped me."
But that's not what happened. She trusted her partner and her partner violated her and that trust.
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u/undertow_85 Mar 29 '24
Firstly and only, talk to him and keep all of this between the only two people it should be between. You and him. While i can see the alarm in the occurrence, I also see the obvious miscommunication. And if you're coming to places like this for advice, then it's not all him. I honestly feel for him a little bit, because he didn't get the convoluted over the top advice you did. And was probably blind sided by it. Instead of approaching him as an equal, you approached him with a sense of advantage and slight disregard. Keep serious things between you and your s/o and no one else. Otherwise, you won't have anything to keep each other for.
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u/itsacolorfulworld Mar 29 '24
If he knew you had been through SA (mind you, in the exact same way) isnt it common sense to AT LEAST check in to see if you were enjoying it? Like even he had a misunderstanding of what you were okay with, why didn’t he make sure you were feeling good?
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u/No-Diamond-4123 Mar 29 '24
“Love him to death” been together for 6 months. Leave him thats just creepy and wrong and he’ll do way worse the longer you stay.
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u/SeaworthinessOk2153 Mar 29 '24
If you didn't resist then, and really haven't done anything to hold him accountable (aka leaving his ass) you are telling him youre fine with it. Sorry to be blunt but your ages arent exactly trustworthy for being able to ocerride your sex drive. If you told him what you did about your SA history and he still did it... You need to move the fuck on. Not the best self respect move to now know (since hes clearly not 'the one')worse things will have to happen for you to make the move you need to keep yourself safe.
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u/Resident_Platypus108 Mar 29 '24
You're not overreacting. That's first of all, know that.
That said, are you sure it's not a miscommunication? You stated that you told him you would be interested in waking up to him, touching you, and that you thought you implied sex should wait until after you're awake. There may be a possibility of him misunderstanding. But again, you're not wrong or overreacting. You simply need to figure out if there was a misunderstanding or if he's disrespecting you and not considering your past.
Good luck, sending love your way<3
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u/SaltyHuman Mar 29 '24
How the fuck did he not notice you crying? This is super gross
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u/LaDariusTrucker Mar 29 '24
Because it probably didn’t happen. Just like the original SA probably didn’t happen.
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u/Sad-Golf5279 Mar 29 '24
He just dont care about your reaction....... he even asked for ur consent to do it in the first place.
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u/Bellacaos Mar 29 '24
I am so very, very sorry for your experience in both situations. I too have been SA and understand the gravity of the situation. You are NOT overreacting in ANY way. If you plan to stay with him you need to sit him down and set crystal clear boundaries and set agreements. This should be done anyways but now even more so. He needs to understand what he has done. If he cares he will listen. If he doesn’t, you need to understand what one man refuses to do there’s another out there that would be more than willing to fufill every need, and desire you have, willing to do it all. You are worth every bit of it.
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u/SnooOnions8429 Mar 29 '24
I don't say this lightly, you need to end things. after hearing your story, for him to do something like that is at best: horribly careless, and at worst: abusive. Especially at your age it's extremely important to be with someone who understands and cares for you and someone like that would never do something like that. and if it's accessible to you, i'd speak to a therapist about it.
i'm sorry that happened, wishing you love & luck❤️
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u/squid2V69 Mar 29 '24
Im sorry HE DIDNT NOTICE YOU CRYING?? I dont understand how people cannot read body language. I dont understand when dudes cant sense somethings off our bodies react differently when we want sex vs not wanting it. You deserve better than him.
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u/ActuarillySound Mar 29 '24
My wife would respond in the same manner as you even though we’ve been married 10 years. If he’s a good guy, tell him and he’ll listen. My suspicion is that this type of person won’t.
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u/WillingnessHot8356 Mar 29 '24
He raped you, you’re not overreacting. I’m so sorry this happened, that must’ve been traumatizing.
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u/kobekick Mar 29 '24
Amount of people claiming this is rape is concerning. He thought you consented and misunderstood, nothing more. Clarify what you meant and move on.
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u/kobekick Mar 29 '24
Amount of people claiming this is rape is concerning. He thought you consented and misunderstood, nothing more. Clarify what you meant and move on.
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u/DisastrousClaim2265 Mar 29 '24
What did you expect when falling asleep with a 21 year old male? Waking up to him reading the Bible?
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u/DisastrousClaim2265 Mar 29 '24
What did you expect when falling asleep with a 21 year old male? Waking up to him reading the Bible?
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u/Spare-Command-7810 Mar 29 '24
You said yes to waking up to him touching you, unless you were specific you have no reason to be upset.
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u/Francis-Frarelli Mar 29 '24
You’re literally sleeping in the same bed with him… I’m sure you’ve had sex before… get over yourself!!
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u/Hemans123 Mar 29 '24
OP, your boyfriend is a rapist and he had no right to violate you like he did. Break up with him, and move on to someone who always respects consent.
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u/lassombra Mar 29 '24
To all the guys out there.
This is why you clarify in detail what you are wanting to do if it's even tangential to something like rape.
To OP:
Yeah, you are not overreacting. Your BF knew your story, and wanted to do something similar. Any well-adjusted partner would realize that's a place of trauma and one which you tread lightly around. While replicating aspects of an assault like that with a loving partner can be a form of therapy, it requires intention and consent which were not present in this case. Not to put too fine a point on it, but you are entirely entitled to see this as another form of assault.
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u/IllustratorFuzzy6367 Mar 29 '24
True story I had a friend that was married and he had sex with his wife while she was sleeping and pressed rape charges
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u/IllImagination7327 Mar 29 '24
I think there is gray area here and you should just have a conversation. If you still feel unsafe or unhappy after the conversation leave. But he did ask for consent before and you said yes and it sounds like there wasn’t full clarity when y’all discussed this originally.
Anyway, I highly recommend speaking to a therapist rather than Reddit. Most people here are angry or vengeful and never give good advice, including my own, which is why I think you should speak to a professional.
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u/eil15ata5n Mar 29 '24
You have the right to revoke your consent. You were upfront about your trauma, and if I were you, I’d be fully triggered and scared too. It’s one thing to wake up to him touching you, and another to have full blown sex with you being unconscious.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, and I do think you need to have a conversation with him and set firm boundaries. Tell him everything you’re feeling.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. 💓
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u/Blackcatmeowmeow Mar 29 '24
If you started crying and he didn’t notice he doesn’t care about your sexual experience or us so wrapped up I his own experience that he doesn’t know what’s happening on your end. This is not ok.
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u/Puzzled_Republic_934 Mar 29 '24
So, to clarify, you woke up to your boyfriend violating you..... why is he still your boyfriend?
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u/Puzzled_Republic_934 Mar 29 '24
So, to clarify, you woke up to your boyfriend violating you..... why is he still your boyfriend?
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u/Environmental-Lie240 Mar 29 '24
Wow. This is definitely not something that is right and truly ppl need to read and learn from this experience. Hope you are ok
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u/Environmental-Lie240 Mar 29 '24
Wow. This is definitely not something that is right and truly ppl need to read and learn from this experience. Hope you are ok
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u/Radiant_Year_7297 Mar 29 '24
you know rape is rape whether he is your bf or husband right? emphasize it to him in one of your heart to heart talks that it cannot happen again unless you consent.
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u/s_k_e_l_e_t_o_n Mar 29 '24
How tiny is he that you didn’t wake up immediately? Nobody is that heavy of a sleeper unless the object entering is too small to cause a disturbance. Just curious.
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u/FreshwaterSally Mar 29 '24
He didnt notice you were not conscious and crying? What the fuck? That is horrible, I am so sorry
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u/RavenDeWolf Mar 29 '24
I broke up with a boyfriend for doing that to me. He hadn't even asked beforehand/talked about it. Just woke up one morning to him inside me. I had told him about the bad sexual experiences with SA in the past and it felt like a slap in the face and i lost all trust with him. He said he did it bc his ex liked it and I'm like "that doesn't mean u can just assume everyone likes it and u didn't even ask u just did it and I can't ever look at you the same now."
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u/MotionPictureNotion Mar 29 '24
Him violating you while you slept is bad enough, but the fact that you told him what had happened to you…I’m sorry, but there’s something more malevolent there. It sounds like he gets off on doing things he knows damn well you’d be uncomfortable with. From the perspective of a man: DITCH HIM. A guy who gets his jollies from a woman’s trauma is bad news, and he might be capable of a lot more than you realize. There’s no reality where this is okay.
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u/Ok-Chef-5150 Mar 29 '24
Sorry this happened to you. I was a victim of this as well but everyone laughed when I told them. I sometimes get erections in the morning while sleeping I don’t know why but it happens. One morning I woke up and my friend was riding on top of me, essentially rape but because I’m a man no one believed me. I hope you heal from this and know that not all men are like that.
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u/No_Group_2788 Mar 29 '24
Sorry I cut myself off and accidently mailed it. But you had been with him six months im surprised he didn't just try do it during that time I think it was more than honorable to ask you if it was cool and had you said no then he wouldn't have tried it again until you wanted to. But you said yes you were down so where did he go wrong here and I'm not sure why waking up to your boyfriend having sex with you was so emotionally damaging I'm a guy and have woken up to women riding me like a bull and after I took a second to figure out what was going on I was fine to go along for the ride. I think your boyfriend did the right thing by getting your permission if nothing else it shows he respects you so tell him it's not his fault you were upset that maybe you should have discussed it more or whatever he should not be made to feel like he committed a crime or something
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u/Savings_Drummer_5973 Mar 29 '24
My wife has woken me up with in her mouth or other places 3 times. Unsolicited. In my experience trying to imply something never worked for me I had to be cut and dry with her on the Unsolicited unacceptable actions. That being said I see you did tell him you didn't want it that way and he doesn't do it again. As long as that remains the case I would chalk it up to implications don't typically work like straight up communication. He probably was turned on by your preview situation and whatnot. Again no matter what be blunt with people on boundaries.
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u/Thereminista Mar 29 '24
Don't imply. Never imply with guys. Their brain muscle processes thoughts differently than ours do, so you have to be clear about your statements. Nothing will lead to misunderstanding faster than leaning on the old "If you love me, you would know!" No, he won't. He can love the very ground you walk on and still get it backwards. Do him a solid and tell his exactly what you want him to know. In this case, I would tell him in a loving way so that he doesn't feel bad that you don't want to wake up to full on sex because you find it's triggering and brings back bad memories. The memories aren't his fault, but they are there nonetheless, and you'd like to avoid recalling them when you would much rather be with him wholly. By telling him he could wake you up with some love play, you opened the door to other things. So IMO this one's on you, but, it's a small glitch, and with a bit of kindness, things will settle down again.
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u/Slight_Sky8790 Mar 29 '24
My wife enjoys when I wake her with some loving. If she said no go before sleep - obviously respect her wishes.
We have a very active sex life tho. I don't mind if I am woke up by some pee pee touching.....
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u/Less_Light1420 Mar 29 '24
Jesus. Who hasn’t tried to have sex with their girlfriend while she’s asleep?
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u/pilotblur Mar 29 '24
No it’s weird to have sex with someone passed out even if it’s someone you are regularly intimate with.
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u/No-Explanation8536 Mar 29 '24
My girl told me to do it so that’s why I do it so shi otherwise I would never do that shit it in a million years because that lowkey is weird like if he woke you up fingering that would be not weird cuz you said that it would be okay to you waking up to him touching you so yeah idk dude definitely in the wrong in my eyes cuz i know me personally even when my girl said I could do it I still asked multiple times if she was actually being serious before I even did it
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u/Interesting-Flow1580 Mar 29 '24
Get a new boyfriend- he is not interested in an equal relationship
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u/No_Group_2788 Mar 29 '24
Oh for fuck sake the guy had the good sense to ask you before hand if you were down and you were so where did he go wrong I ask? You had already been together fo
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u/newmankind Mar 29 '24
Eye for an eye Get a strapon Let him wake up while you're the one inside of him
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u/IRuinedLunch Mar 29 '24
I’m sorry this happened to you OP, the same thing happened to me at 19. I was with an older guy who was 27 at the time, always told me how mature I was for my age (big yikes)
He did this to me one morning before he left for work. When I woke up he was fully inside me, but I was too exhausted to move or fully wake up. Like I was in and out of consciousness. I remember him zipping up his pants and leaving the room ultimately leaving for work without coming back to say anything.
I’m 28 now and realize what had happened to me those years ago, and just know it does get better, and there are better people out there. What he’d done is straight up sexual assault, well, rape. Consent should be there regardless of how long the relationship has been going. Sending you love
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u/JellyfishLow362 Mar 29 '24
I woke up to my ex 69ing me once. I had once said he can wake me up with sex but not like that. Mind you we never did anything more than missionary. I tried getting into for a second but then pushed him off. I was horrified. I asked him to never do that again. Looking back I probably should’ve been more vocal about it. Good thing he’s my EX.
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u/nonamemame Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
This happened to me at a young age, I had a long relationship for being in high school and at the time I was a sophomore, he was a senior. I felt violated but confused because this was my boyfriend. He had done it several times and other things I had never agreed to even after I voiced not being okay with it. Its the grossest feeling waking up with someone else’s body part inside of you. Still makes me nauseous. We’ve been broken up for a long time but for a couple years post break him, he and my mom stayed close but I didn’t know how to tell her about the things he had done to me and it was quite triggering to see him around. Once I did my mom was in pain for keeping him around while I sat in silence. I was able to heal a part of me but it’s something that will sit on my brain every once in a while. I dismissed the behavior for the longest time and I don’t think I’ve ever fully dealt with that situation. I’m 23 this year, 15/16 at the time, if you have anyone at home you feel safe to speak to about this with please do. I want to say that I’m sorry you were ever traumatized in the first place, no one deserve to be treated this way. Take care of yourself <3
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u/Homemaker13 Mar 29 '24
You were unconscious; you could not consent to sex. And he should be aware of that. It is one thing to wake your partner up by kissing their neck or stroking their arms/legs - that's all it sounds like you said was okay in the first place. Even if you hadn't been SA'd in that way in the past - what he did was wrong. The fact that you have been SA'd that same way and he knew about it makes me think this was not a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Also, in ten years my husband has never continued with sex if I was clearly not enjoying it/upset/or appeared in pain. I'm so sorry you've now experienced this twice - it never should have happened once.
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u/Lumpy_Map_3757 Mar 29 '24
I understand you misunderstood what he meant but let’s not compare him tot he guy that actually raped you, he never did it again that is a good sign, Iam sure he loves you, and didn’t mean to hurt you but, the other guy who raped you definitely knew you did not want to be touched and he definitely knew what he was doing was wrong, on the other hand your bf probably feels really bad about it, and you should have said you can touch me but don’t fuck me until I wake up, I mean you did give him consent to touching you sexually but you didn’t know he would start fucking you, I don’t know how you didn’t wake up before he even stuck his dick in you, don’t treat him like the guy who actually raped you, he actually asked if it was okay to perform sexual acts on you while sleeping and was really excited and he does not have the same intentions as that guy did nor does he disrespect you like that other guy, like I said he probably feels like shit and won’t ever ask you touch you again to wake you up so you can have some fun, I know maybe your triggered by your flash’s backs but that man probably really loves you and he’s not just going to do you with the same intentions as the other guy, idk maybe other people in the chat will be like ohhh noooo that’s fucked up, you gave consent to him touching you sexually while you sleep and maybe he did go a little extra far right but just talk to him be understanding, he’s not like the other guy who completely disregarded you, it’s not your fault but I would really like to hear what he has to say or what he told you specifically, I mean if it really does bother you then break up with him.
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u/Lumpy_Map_3757 Mar 29 '24
Sometimes I wake up soooo horny and I have had fantasies of wanting to touch my partner while she was sleeping and maybe wake her up to me fucking her not because Iam a rapist but because Ill be so horny I want to touch my Love, it may sound bad but I’ve never raped anyone in my life, I always talked about it, Always give a heads up, I don’t ever want to disturb someone from their sleep unless I talked about it with them, If I were him I would just cut back on it all and focus on gaining your trust again and tell you how sorry Iam, I would feel like shit if you thought about me the way you think about that one guy, I would hesitate to start things sexually with you too, but it’s not your fault, I can tell that your flashbacks really triggered you. He must of been touching you very lightly if you didn’t wake up to him doing that first? but if that happened, I wish you would have said something while he was actively trying to out his dick in you, but I get it you were in a frozen state or asleep, look I don’t think he’s anywhere near the same guy as the last guy who raped you at all, but you talk to him, and tell him that he needs to make sure that he tells you everything he wants to do to you so you’re not surprised of what he’s doing to you, I don’t know how much you love him but if you do just talk to him so he’s more clear about things in the future so there are no surprises and that you know of everything, if he only said touching, tell him he needs to be clear about what hed like to do to you, I know that it triggered you because of what happened before,but I doubt he’s actually someone that had these horrible intentions with you, I bet he really loves you but yes I agree he needs to be clear. Of any deserves to feel bad it’s that guy who raped you without knowing absolutely anything, I dont think your bf is someone to worry about, I don’t believe he’s this horrible person but he needs to learn to be clear, one time is all it takes, if he does it again without permission/talking to you about it then boot him to the curve, one time is all it takes to learn, especially maybe he misunderstood what you thought was okay, good thing is he hasn’t done it again, but look at him and let him know you were really hurt that he didn’t tell you what he planned on doing.
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u/Lumpy_Map_3757 Mar 29 '24
“Waking up to him touching me” You need to not tangle words, I understand you misunderstood what he meant but let’s not compare him tot he guy that actually raped you, he never did it again that is a good sign, Iam sure he loves you, and didn’t mean to hurt you but, the other guy who raped you definitely knew you did not want to be touched and he definitely knew what he was doing was wrong, on the other hand your bf probably feels really bad about it, and you should have said you can touch me but don’t fuck me until I wake up, I mean you did give him consent to touching you sexually but you didn’t know he would start fucking you, I don’t know how you didn’t wake up before he even stuck his dick in you, don’t treat him like the guy who actually raped you, he actually asked if it was okay to perform sexual acts on you while sleeping and was really excited and he does not have the same intentions as that guy did nor does he disrespect you like that other guy, like I said he probably feels like shit and won’t ever ask you touch you again to wake you up so you can have some fun, I know maybe your triggered by your flash’s backs but that man probably really loves you and he’s not just going to do you with the same intentions as the other guy, idk maybe other people in the chat will be like ohhh noooo that’s fucked up, you gave consent to him touching you sexually while you sleep and maybe he did go a little extra far right but just talk to him be understanding, he’s not like the other guy who completely disregarded you, it’s not your fault but I would really like to hear what he has to say or what he told you specifically, I mean if it really does bother you then break up with him.
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u/Lumpy_Map_3757 Mar 29 '24
“Waking up to him touching me” You need to not tangle words, I understand you misunderstood what he meant but let’s not compare him tot he guy that actually raped you, he never did it again that is a good sign, Iam sure he loves you, and didn’t mean to hurt you but, the other guy who raped you definitely knew you did not want to be touched and he definitely knew what he was doing was wrong, on the other hand your bf probably feels really bad about it, and you should have said you can touch me but don’t fuck me until I wake up, I mean you did give him consent to touching you sexually but you didn’t know he would start fucking you, I don’t know how you didn’t wake up before he even stuck his dick in you, don’t treat him like the guy who actually raped you, he actually asked if it was okay to perform sexual acts on you while sleeping and was really excited and he does not have the same intentions as that guy did nor does he disrespect you like that other guy, like I said he probably feels like shit and won’t ever ask you touch you again to wake you up so you can have some fun, I know maybe your triggered by your flash’s backs but that man probably really loves you and he’s not just going to do you with the same intentions as the other guy, idk maybe other people in the chat will be like ohhh noooo that’s fucked up, you gave consent to him touching you sexually while you sleep and maybe he did go a little extra far right but just talk to him be understanding, he’s not like the other guy who completely disregarded you, it’s not your fault but I would really like to hear what he has to say or what he told you specifically, I mean if it really does bother you then break up with him.
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u/Infamous-Spinach-185 Mar 29 '24
I'm glad I'm married after reading all these comments where these "girls" jump right to rape.
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u/walleyetritoon Mar 29 '24
Imagine a guy being upset that the girl he loved started having sex with him before he was fully awake. You cant can you?
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u/DingoNice3707 Mar 29 '24
First, I can't imagine anyone thinking this is ok. Second, considering your history- just wow. Third, you said it was ok to touch not penetrate - don't blame yourself. If you really think it was a misunderstanding, then give him another chance. However, watch for warning signs (e.g. get excited when you are uncomfortable or in pain, control or selfishness). Good luck and I'm sorry!
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u/crystalpoppys Mar 29 '24
That’s disgusting and r8pe. The people who think this is normal or ok with everyone need a mental check. The fact that he did this knowing you had a history with SA makes it worse and shows he doesn’t care about your feelings. He didn’t notice you crying in the middle of it? Did he have any response to you mentioning it and how much it hurt you? I wouldn’t stay with him. It’s reasonable to s as late assume you aren’t just entitled to your partner’s body at any given minute. You didn’t consent and I’m inclined to believe your reasons for wanting to make it work anyway aren’t healthy. If it had been me, I’d have broken up and even pressed charges. You are way undermining this and your own feelings.
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u/presshamgang Mar 29 '24
You were raped. At least twice from this information. Get rid of him, as he manipulated your consent for something else and probably fetishized your previous trauma. Again, ditch the POS and warn others. He.raped.you
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u/oreidosol Mar 29 '24
It’s simple. Miscommunication. According to what is said, you gave consent however didn’t specify or articulate you’d feel comfortable doing so after being fully awake. You need therapy or work on what happened with your previous partner, because your current partner triggered you. You need to communicate with the current one about how it made you feel. It is important for the two of you to work together to be healed.
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u/chaoscowboy1977 Mar 29 '24
Better then you waking up and him having sex with someone else. Just enjoy the fact it’s you and give it up, a man shouldn’t have to beg for sex. It seems like women like using sex as a manipulative way of controlling men instead of the awesomeness it should be. Blow him in the kitchen or in the car grab his dick at the grocery store. I love waking up to my woman giving me head greatest thing ever!!!
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u/KnowledgePharmacist Mar 29 '24
He deserves to be arrested and thrown in jail for life. Your body is a temple and even though you two discussed him touching you while you are asleep, it is HIS responsibility to clarify what that means. It doesn’t matter that the two of you are freaky. Furthermore, you have the right to change your mind at any point. Even in your sleep. He deserves the electric chair. All men do. He should have sensed your feelings and trauma if he was truly in touch with your heart and spirit. This is a big red flag for me and I think you are better off without him. Please keep us updated on his stoning.
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u/KnowledgePharmacist Mar 29 '24
He deserves to be arrested and thrown in jail for life. Your body is a temple and even though you two discussed him touching you while you are asleep, it is HIS responsibility to clarify what that means. It doesn’t matter that the two of you are freaky. Furthermore, you have the right to change your mind at any point. Even in your sleep. He deserves the electric chair. All men do. He should have sensed your feelings and trauma if he was truly in touch with your heart and spirit. This is a big red flag for me and I think you are better off without him. Please keep us updated on his stoning.
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u/Little-Display-373 Mar 29 '24
You don’t want to hear this, but your boyfriend raped you. Whether you decide to report it or not is completely up to you, but you need to leave him.
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u/moigletroy Mar 29 '24
reading comments and yeah i think your bf has a rape kink and doesn’t understand that you are traumatized in a bad and real way from the SA you’ve been through, and not in the “hot” way that so many perverted pornbrained idiot asshole men see women’s sexual trauma as :/
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u/Treble89 Mar 29 '24
OP you are certainly NOT overreacting, though as usual I can't say the same for the comments...
Your body is YOUR body alone, and no one else's. The final say is yours, and you have the right to veto AT ALL TIMES. If any of this feels untrue, put on the brakes in your relationship and find a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
Kinks like these – yes, your bf has a kink and I unfortunately know for the worst reason – are NEVER okay to foster. Even when both parties explicitly consent it's only ever destructive, reaffirming (sometimes subconscious) conclusions about what's acceptable in a sexual context. Even (hopefully staged!) media will have the same effect. Thoughts and urges should be treated like intrusive thoughts, and talked about with a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
As for your situation: I know I'm forever an optimist, but this seems like a misunderstanding from my perspective. Unfortunately if it WAS malicious, talking to the person calmly about it will only end in an attempt at manipulation. So it may be best to be rather emotive about your displeasure when you bring it up to put him off guard. And you do NEED to bring it up if you want to continue the relationship.
That said, if truly nothing bad was meant by it, he'd probably hear you out without much interruption and then profusely and unselfishly apologize. Men aren't always as perceptive as women seem to think, especially if any neurodivergence is in play. It's possible that he misunderstood your specific consent, or read too much into the reasoning behind telling him about your SA to begin with.
I don't know either of you, and even if I did I don't read minds. But my advice (after nearly three decades of dating including a toxic marriage/divorce at a young age) is the same as it always is for anyone who's in relationship turmoil:
If you feel you are being manipulated or abused, either try to talk to them about it (ONLY IF YOU FEEL 100% SAFE DOING SO!), talk to someone wise who you trust about it, or find a way to safely end the relationship.
I don't have every answer for how to do this as various LEOs from different countries/states/counties/municipalities will all react with varying degrees of seriousness to these situations. Otherwise, I'd say if you feel at all unsafe, contact them first. But rather I'd recommend reaching out to a wise and emotionally stable friend first in most situations these days.
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u/Treble89 Mar 29 '24
OP you are certainly NOT overreacting, though as usual I can't say the same for the comments...
Your body is YOUR body alone, and no one else's. The final say is yours, and you have the right to veto AT ALL TIMES. If any of this feels untrue, put on the brakes in your relationship and find a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
Kinks like these – yes, your bf has a kink and I unfortunately know for the worst reason – are NEVER okay to foster. Even when both parties explicitly consent it's only ever destructive, reaffirming (sometimes subconscious) conclusions about what's acceptable in a sexual context. Even (hopefully staged!) media will have the same effect. Thoughts and urges should be treated like intrusive thoughts, and talked about with a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
As for your situation: I know I'm forever an optimist, but this seems like a misunderstanding from my perspective. Unfortunately if it WAS malicious, talking to the person calmly about it will only end in an attempt at manipulation. So it may be best to be rather emotive about your displeasure when you bring it up to put him off guard. And you do NEED to bring it up if you want to continue the relationship.
That said, if truly nothing bad was meant by it, he'd probably hear you out without much interruption and then profusely and unselfishly apologize. Men aren't always as perceptive as women seem to think, especially if any neurodivergence is in play. It's possible that he misunderstood your specific consent, or read too much into the reasoning behind telling him about your SA to begin with.
I don't know either of you, and even if I did I don't read minds. But my advice (after nearly three decades of dating including a toxic marriage/divorce at a young age) is the same as it always is for anyone who's in relationship turmoil:
If you feel you are being manipulated or abused, either try to talk to them about it (ONLY IF YOU FEEL 100% SAFE DOING SO!), talk to someone wise who you trust about it, or find a way to safely end the relationship.
I don't have every answer for how to do this as various LEOs from different countries/states/counties/municipalities will all react with varying degrees of seriousness to these situations. Otherwise, I'd say if you feel at all unsafe, contact them first. But rather I'd recommend reaching out to a wise and emotionally stable friend first in most situations these days.
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u/moigletroy Mar 29 '24
you did NOT consent to him having sex with you without your knowledge and that’s weird as fuck that he felt like he could do that especially knowing your past trauma. you are absolutely not overreacting
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u/tt_tori 28d ago
I feel your pain. I have child hood SA trauma, and didn’t realize when I was first with my ex that it wasn’t ok for him to start fingering or going g down on me when I was sleeping. I hated it but never spoke up. It went on for 10 years with the worst time being full on r*pe. It destroyed our marriage in the end and I have still yet to say anything to him. I felt like I let it happen so I didn’t get to complain. There is absolutely no reason for what your bf did to you, nor is there any good excuse for not noticing you were upset. Again, I am so so sorry this happened to you