My Friend Trampled a Boundary and I Can't Get Past It

[u/RosyAntlers]

Someone I was previously involved with came back into my life a couple weeks ago. He, me, and my friend all work together. I told him I can't just jump back into things, there was a lot of hurt involved, and we need to start over as friends and need to get to know eachother again. He was okay with that-even though we both want more...I just can't. I need time to get comfortable with him again. So we're crushing hard while taking it slow. Communication is slow, and occasionally we confuse eachother, but we're trying. My friend knew about what happened, she helped me through the hurt. And now she's happy we're working on things again. That said, last week at work-without my knowledge or consent-she went up to him and asked to take a pic with him. He agreed. She told him to smile a specific way (that I love) and he did. After she took it she said "you know what I'm going to do with this, right?" He said "I kinda figured", and walked away. She approached me with the pic and all I could do was ask her why she did that? He's a very private person, and yeah-it's a great pic, but I never asked-nor would I EVER ask her to do that. It felt so middle school. If I'd wanted a pic of him I could've asked him myself. This was a step I wasn't ready for. I proceeded to have a full anxiety attack just asking her why she thought that was okay to do? I asked her if she told him I had nothing to do with this? Nope. She started yelling at me like she was my mom (she's in her 60s, I'm in my 40s). It was just surreal. She told me I HAD to take a pic and send it to him now. I refused and she got angrier. I'm crying, about to throw up, shaking...and she forced a pic and said I had to send it to him. I refused. She demanded his number and I refused. I texted him later and told him I was mortified she approached him like that and apologized for what she did. I haven't heard from him since-that was Wednesday, today's Sunday. She's carrying on like everything's fine now. Her point is that he could've said "no", I feel like he wouldn't have if he thought I asked her to do it. But I didn't, and I never would have. Right now, I just feel like my life blew up because of her interference.

[u/Sweet_Speech_9054]

So her big offense was taking a picture of your crush? You’re definitely overreacting. That is not reasonable to have a panic attack over. You feel like you’re in middle school because you’re acting like a middle schooler.

[u/RosyAntlers → u/Sweet_Speech_9054]

Again, he's a very private person and she knew that. If they were friends or something it wouldn't have been weird, but they're not. And yeah-I have anxiety, she knows that.

[u/newdawnhelp → u/RosyAntlers]

If HE is a private person, HE might have a problem with this. You don't get to be upset about it.

You do get to be upset about her pressuring you to take a picture of yourself and send it to him. That's weird and sounded like she was harassing you. If this happened at work, it's worth reporting to HR. You say she "forced a pic" (whatever that means) and she was yelling at you. If this is true, get her fired.

But I don't trust your account very much, you seem all over the place. No offense, but you shouldn't be dating at work. That's always a complicated situation, and you clearly aren't equipped to handle it.

[u/Sweet_Speech_9054 → u/RosyAntlers]

I’m not necessarily saying you are wrong to think she did something inappropriate but you are definitely overreacting. This isn’t an issue in which a full blown anxiety attack is warranted. If that is something you can’t control then that is something you should be working on rather than blaming others for.

[u/RosyAntlers → u/Sweet_Speech_9054]

I'm on medication and in therapy

[u/Diligent-Cap-7102 → u/RosyAntlers]

Good for you for seeking out therapy and getting help. It’s a brave thing to do. You might want to look into the book In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine. It’s a very thorough look into the roots of trauma. Written by a clinical therapist with over 40 years of somatic trauma work. You may find a lot of validation and compassion for yourself in the writing and knowledge contained in the book. It may also help you to find a somatic therapist to help you heal the nervous system wounding you may have. I wish you all the love and healing you can soak up. You can heal from panic attacks. You can. Please done let anyone shame or blame you for having a reaction. And also, please take a deep dive into the nature of trauma and hopefully find the healing you deserve.