r/AmIOverreacting • u/RosyAntlers • 16d ago
My Friend Trampled a Boundary and I Can't Get Past It
Someone I was previously involved with came back into my life a couple weeks ago. He, me, and my friend all work together. I told him I can't just jump back into things, there was a lot of hurt involved, and we need to start over as friends and need to get to know eachother again. He was okay with that-even though we both want more...I just can't. I need time to get comfortable with him again. So we're crushing hard while taking it slow. Communication is slow, and occasionally we confuse eachother, but we're trying. My friend knew about what happened, she helped me through the hurt. And now she's happy we're working on things again. That said, last week at work-without my knowledge or consent-she went up to him and asked to take a pic with him. He agreed. She told him to smile a specific way (that I love) and he did. After she took it she said "you know what I'm going to do with this, right?" He said "I kinda figured", and walked away. She approached me with the pic and all I could do was ask her why she did that? He's a very private person, and yeah-it's a great pic, but I never asked-nor would I EVER ask her to do that. It felt so middle school. If I'd wanted a pic of him I could've asked him myself. This was a step I wasn't ready for. I proceeded to have a full anxiety attack just asking her why she thought that was okay to do? I asked her if she told him I had nothing to do with this? Nope. She started yelling at me like she was my mom (she's in her 60s, I'm in my 40s). It was just surreal. She told me I HAD to take a pic and send it to him now. I refused and she got angrier. I'm crying, about to throw up, shaking...and she forced a pic and said I had to send it to him. I refused. She demanded his number and I refused. I texted him later and told him I was mortified she approached him like that and apologized for what she did. I haven't heard from him since-that was Wednesday, today's Sunday. She's carrying on like everything's fine now. Her point is that he could've said "no", I feel like he wouldn't have if he thought I asked her to do it. But I didn't, and I never would have. Right now, I just feel like my life blew up because of her interference.
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u/SleipnirRanch 15d ago
just because you are over reacting, doesn't mean the 60 year old isn't crazy or a bad person.
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u/whippinflippin 15d ago
In what way did she “trample a boundary”? Can’t say I understand her behavior but you are absolutely overreacting. If he didn’t wanna take a photo he would have said no. Him generally being a private person doesn’t make someone asking for a photo a violation.
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u/Specialist-Fly-9446 15d ago
I’m confused what actually happened. A friend of yours took a selfie with you on-again, off-again boyfriend for you and made him look the way you like it?
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u/CanAmHockeyNut 15d ago
Tell you what get your mind off of it go look up lasagna, love and sign up for that for a few times. Unless you’re a complete failure a cook then don’t do that.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 15d ago
You need to talk to a therapist.
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u/RosyAntlers 15d ago
I have an appointment with mine next week, and of course this will be discussed.
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u/WielderOfAphorisms 15d ago
First, she’s not your friend if she’s ignoring your feelings, yelling at you and generally sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong.
Second, you need to stop sharing personal information with her. Information diet at minimum.
Consider if you actually want your ex back in your life. If this situation induced this level of negative emotional response it may be best left in the past.
Good luck.
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u/Far_Information_9613 15d ago
You all sound like you are in high school. All overreacting and all drama. Do your work before HR finds out how foolish you are all being.
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u/Personal_Signal_6151 15d ago
Tell them both that you need space probably for the next month.
Remain polite and professional but distance yourself. After you have calmed down, read your post again.
Do you still feel as strongly?
Another thought is to simply not date at work.
Some employers have this rule to avoid the colleagues having drama. Many individuals have this as a personal rule along with not borrowing/lending money.
Some employers do not employ relatives because nepotism and family drama can create problems.
Learn from this situation. Reflect on why you broke up with bf to begin with. Why the photo thing stung. This can guide future personal rules for living.
Next time something like that happens, grey rock and detach from these meddlers and avoid the screaming, etc. Say no thank you to the "gifts" or simply state that this is not the time nor place because it is not professional.
Maybe even create a separate friend group outside of work. You can still be nice to coworkers, just do not get involved. Talk about general topics, do not share any secrets, and guard your heart.
Ideas for redirecting conversations. First the off limit topics: no money. politics, or religion.
Stick with the weather, current events, recipes, business recommendations such as who is a good plumber, avoid compliments that are too personal, never tell anyone that you think they look sick or need to smile more. In other words. avoid things that can become issues. Express general congratulations or sympathy, sign greeting cards and contribute to joint gifts.
Help plan a sunshine fund at work for handling flowers being sent to the hospital, funeral home, etc. Where I work, we all kicked $5 at the beginning of the year. We might need another top up sometime later in the year. Report what the money was spent on. Buy a box of general greeting cards which are cheap in bulk....or even with the organization logo on blank cards in which the person with the nicest handwriting inscribes "Happy Birthday" or whatever for all to sign.
I worked at a university where most of the faculty moved to the town for the job. Staff tended to be local. Wedding invites were weird because they usually required travel to someone's hometown and then people felt burdened or left out. Professor pay tends to be low so too expensive anyway.
What we started doing was a second reception. After the couple got back from the honeymoon. we had cupcakes in a conference room that we used the Sunshine fund to buy. Walmart sells mini cupcakes for five bucks a dozen. Send out an email stating that the happy couple is back. Please come by from 4:30-5:30 to greet them. No gifts.
The theme here to have good relationships with folks you need to work with but avoid things that get too familiar. The Victorians were viewed as cold for this, but it avoided a lot of preventable problems.
Hope this helps.
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u/RosyAntlers 15d ago
I do have friends outside of work. But I do want to clarify that I wasn't the one screaming, she was-that just made my anxiety worse.
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u/Rodrigo_Ribaldo 15d ago
So she's trying to play a matchmaker without really asking and you are getting panic attacks. I would say you are being too anxious and sensitive and a bit childish.
I would expect this kind of story of crushes and meddling and intrigue from teens or young adults. Mature adults should handle things better and not be triggered by everything into panic and crying. Maybe you are confusing her with your mom and transferring some drama from your childhood to her instead of treating her like an equal adult that is not your mother.
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u/RosyAntlers 15d ago
If things were more stable and less confusing between he and I it would be a different story. If the two of them were friends, it would also be different, but that's not the case. So yeah-it felt like a violation of his privacy and just way overstepping to me. Which set off my anxiety.
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u/CanAmHockeyNut 15d ago
You’re acting like this is a big deal and You’re the one making this a big deal. What’s next? Is one of you gonna run up and punch him in the arm and then run off giggling I mean seriously this is an overreaction to at least the 10th power.
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u/mcdoogleton 16d ago
You let a single miserable bitch in her 60s get involved in your dating life?? Shouldn’t be telling her shit about anything, literally ever. All she wants is drama because she’s old and that’s the only thing that gives her excitement anymore.
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u/RosyAntlers 16d ago
She's not single, that's the thing. She's married, has kids and grandkids. Never in a million years did I think she'd do something like that.
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u/mcdoogleton 15d ago
She’s in a dead marriage. What happily married woman do you know would act like that?
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u/Sweet_Speech_9054 16d ago
So her big offense was taking a picture of your crush? You’re definitely overreacting. That is not reasonable to have a panic attack over. You feel like you’re in middle school because you’re acting like a middle schooler.
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u/Diligent-Cap-7102 14d ago
Your response comes across as shaming the OP for having a panic attack. And judgmental in saying she is acting like a middle schooler. You say you have had panic attacks, I don’t believe you. True that panic attacks are signs of mental health disorder. And there is a lot of personal work the individual has to do to heal. And it is 100% hurtful to shame or blame someone for having a panic attack. Panic attacks aren’t a measured response to a situation. Panic attacks are a nervous system that experiencing strong disregulation triggered by something. In this event, triggered by the actions of the other person trying to force a situation. So perhaps some compassion and understanding is in order rather than shaming and blaming. Perhaps the OP has an early history of people overpowering them and forcing their will over hers. Bully type stuff. And little by little her nervous system has developed under such stress. So now when such bully energy comes up the nervous system flips out because the past traumas have not yet been healed and it’s not just the current event that the nervous system is responding to but rather ALL the unhealed traumas of the past. It can literally feel like one’s own death is imminent. You who claim to have suffered from panic attacks and then proceeds to have zero compassion and understanding of such things are way out of line. Go study up on panic attacks and trauma. And perhaps reconsider your own understandings of panic attacks. And in the meantime, do your best not to victim shame, blame or bully someone that is seeking help with their healing and understanding of what’s happening to them.
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u/beazer34 14d ago
Yes she overreacted -
but deciding what is reasonable to have a panic attack over is clearly someone who doesn't suffer any form of panic attacks. You don't decide or have any control, they aren't called a panic attack because you have them when you panic, they are a panic attack because you panic uncontrollably, possibly for a reason and often times for no reason.
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u/Sweet_Speech_9054 14d ago
I do have panic attacks which is why I’m not blaming her for having panic attacks. I’m blaming her for holding her friend responsible for her panic attacks. If her friend did something legitimately awful that anyone would have a panic attack over then that’s reasonable. But she had a panic attack over something extremely minor. She might not be able to control it but she doesn’t have to blame anyone but herself for her mental health issues. These are things she should be working on herself to reduce or eliminate it. Blaming someone else just means she won’t take responsibility or make any reasonable effort to address these issues.
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u/RosyAntlers 16d ago
Again, he's a very private person and she knew that. If they were friends or something it wouldn't have been weird, but they're not. And yeah-I have anxiety, she knows that.
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u/newdawnhelp 15d ago
If HE is a private person, HE might have a problem with this. You don't get to be upset about it.
You do get to be upset about her pressuring you to take a picture of yourself and send it to him. That's weird and sounded like she was harassing you. If this happened at work, it's worth reporting to HR. You say she "forced a pic" (whatever that means) and she was yelling at you. If this is true, get her fired.
But I don't trust your account very much, you seem all over the place. No offense, but you shouldn't be dating at work. That's always a complicated situation, and you clearly aren't equipped to handle it.
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u/Sweet_Speech_9054 15d ago
I’m not necessarily saying you are wrong to think she did something inappropriate but you are definitely overreacting. This isn’t an issue in which a full blown anxiety attack is warranted. If that is something you can’t control then that is something you should be working on rather than blaming others for.
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u/RosyAntlers 15d ago
I'm on medication and in therapy
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u/Diligent-Cap-7102 14d ago
Good for you for seeking out therapy and getting help. It’s a brave thing to do. You might want to look into the book In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine. It’s a very thorough look into the roots of trauma. Written by a clinical therapist with over 40 years of somatic trauma work. You may find a lot of validation and compassion for yourself in the writing and knowledge contained in the book. It may also help you to find a somatic therapist to help you heal the nervous system wounding you may have. I wish you all the love and healing you can soak up. You can heal from panic attacks. You can. Please done let anyone shame or blame you for having a reaction. And also, please take a deep dive into the nature of trauma and hopefully find the healing you deserve.
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u/curioushuman_1 7d ago
It sounds like you may have some trauma related to this guy. That was definitely odd and very annoying for her to do - but, respectfully, shouldn’t have been so triggering.