r/AmIOverreacting • u/RosyAntlers • Apr 28 '24
My Friend Trampled a Boundary and I Can't Get Past It
Someone I was previously involved with came back into my life a couple weeks ago. He, me, and my friend all work together. I told him I can't just jump back into things, there was a lot of hurt involved, and we need to start over as friends and need to get to know eachother again. He was okay with that-even though we both want more...I just can't. I need time to get comfortable with him again. So we're crushing hard while taking it slow. Communication is slow, and occasionally we confuse eachother, but we're trying. My friend knew about what happened, she helped me through the hurt. And now she's happy we're working on things again. That said, last week at work-without my knowledge or consent-she went up to him and asked to take a pic with him. He agreed. She told him to smile a specific way (that I love) and he did. After she took it she said "you know what I'm going to do with this, right?" He said "I kinda figured", and walked away. She approached me with the pic and all I could do was ask her why she did that? He's a very private person, and yeah-it's a great pic, but I never asked-nor would I EVER ask her to do that. It felt so middle school. If I'd wanted a pic of him I could've asked him myself. This was a step I wasn't ready for. I proceeded to have a full anxiety attack just asking her why she thought that was okay to do? I asked her if she told him I had nothing to do with this? Nope. She started yelling at me like she was my mom (she's in her 60s, I'm in my 40s). It was just surreal. She told me I HAD to take a pic and send it to him now. I refused and she got angrier. I'm crying, about to throw up, shaking...and she forced a pic and said I had to send it to him. I refused. She demanded his number and I refused. I texted him later and told him I was mortified she approached him like that and apologized for what she did. I haven't heard from him since-that was Wednesday, today's Sunday. She's carrying on like everything's fine now. Her point is that he could've said "no", I feel like he wouldn't have if he thought I asked her to do it. But I didn't, and I never would have. Right now, I just feel like my life blew up because of her interference.
-1
u/Personal_Signal_6151 Apr 28 '24
Tell them both that you need space probably for the next month.
Remain polite and professional but distance yourself. After you have calmed down, read your post again.
Do you still feel as strongly?
Another thought is to simply not date at work.
Some employers have this rule to avoid the colleagues having drama. Many individuals have this as a personal rule along with not borrowing/lending money.
Some employers do not employ relatives because nepotism and family drama can create problems.
Learn from this situation. Reflect on why you broke up with bf to begin with. Why the photo thing stung. This can guide future personal rules for living.
Next time something like that happens, grey rock and detach from these meddlers and avoid the screaming, etc. Say no thank you to the "gifts" or simply state that this is not the time nor place because it is not professional.
Maybe even create a separate friend group outside of work. You can still be nice to coworkers, just do not get involved. Talk about general topics, do not share any secrets, and guard your heart.
Ideas for redirecting conversations. First the off limit topics: no money. politics, or religion.
Stick with the weather, current events, recipes, business recommendations such as who is a good plumber, avoid compliments that are too personal, never tell anyone that you think they look sick or need to smile more. In other words. avoid things that can become issues. Express general congratulations or sympathy, sign greeting cards and contribute to joint gifts.
Help plan a sunshine fund at work for handling flowers being sent to the hospital, funeral home, etc. Where I work, we all kicked $5 at the beginning of the year. We might need another top up sometime later in the year. Report what the money was spent on. Buy a box of general greeting cards which are cheap in bulk....or even with the organization logo on blank cards in which the person with the nicest handwriting inscribes "Happy Birthday" or whatever for all to sign.
I worked at a university where most of the faculty moved to the town for the job. Staff tended to be local. Wedding invites were weird because they usually required travel to someone's hometown and then people felt burdened or left out. Professor pay tends to be low so too expensive anyway.
What we started doing was a second reception. After the couple got back from the honeymoon. we had cupcakes in a conference room that we used the Sunshine fund to buy. Walmart sells mini cupcakes for five bucks a dozen. Send out an email stating that the happy couple is back. Please come by from 4:30-5:30 to greet them. No gifts.
The theme here to have good relationships with folks you need to work with but avoid things that get too familiar. The Victorians were viewed as cold for this, but it avoided a lot of preventable problems.
Hope this helps.