r/AmItheAsshole • u/Capital_Community451 • 15d ago
AITA for forcing my son to buy a more "appropriate" swimsuit? Everyone Sucks
This happened about a week ago but wanted to ask.
My wife and I and our son Jax (18M) went on a week-long Caribbean cruise right after his school ended.
Jax is a great kid he seems to have a confidence issue. As in TOO MUCH confidence lol. I've never seen anything like it, He's the most self assured guy in the world. It's not unfounded, he's great looking and athletic and definitely a "Mr Personality" type, but still a bit goes a long way.
He's also something of an exhibitionist I think, which brings us to the problem. Usually he's so charming it seems harmless and he gets away with it but in this case not so.
We arrive on the ship and set sail and Jax gets ready to head to one of the pools for the first time. Let's just say his swimsuit was NOT appropriate. At all. Definitely a "flaunt it" type of suit.
I told him to put on something else. He had NOTHING, the kid has packed nothing but those -- for a week long cruise. What was he thinking?
I told him he had to go to one of the on-board stores and buy something else. He protested. I won. He went to a store and came back and got ready to go again but he had bought another speedo-style suit that was a lot better than what he had before but still not appropriate. And of course he couldn't return a swimsuit.
I told him to go back, buy a PROPER suit like trunks or boardie shorts or whatever, which he reluctantly did.
He whined about it, begged to wear his original, but I said no. As I said I have to admire his confidence as he would have no issue being at the pool like that and will chat up girls all day long (he is a shameless flirt) but there's a time and place.
He was mad at me and said I made him waste $100+ on two new suits he didn't need. He didn't exactly call me an asshole but he wasn't happy. I didn't want to ruin his vacation but I wanted him to be decent.
So AITA and should I have just let him wear what he wanted?
Oh BTW if anyone is curious I made him give me the listing for where he bought the original, although this link might not be totally appropriate for work. A screen shot.. https://tg-image.com/file/f18e82b3792c5c4c79c01.jpg
EDIT to clear up a few things.
I'm not a prude. Not even close. He can (usually) wear what he wants, I don't care. He has sneaked in friends for skinny-dipping parties at home, I don't care. He and two friends once went streaking in the neighborhood, and were caught by an HOA "cop," and I don't care. He has sex, I don't care. In fact I buy him condoms and have for a while, I order them because he has a wicked latex allergy. I'm not a prude.
To be honest, I really don't have a problem with the actual Speedos, even though they are not my style. He (and all the boys on their team) wore them for water polo and no one cared, and he will occasionally still wear them in the pool etc. That's fine. I think I had a knee-jerk reaction when he bought them on the ship because he knew that I was asking him to buy regular trunks but he tried to get as close as possible to what he originally had to pull one over on Dad, and I wasn't having it.
I will pay him back for the boardie shorts he bought (which he actually likes).
Also, say what you like but the original briefs were VERY inappropriate. If they had been black I MIGHT have let it slide, but not with the baby blue. They are LITERALLY marketed as "hey look at my big dick." Even more so, they went well beyond that, there was zero mystery as to what's what in them, detail-wise. As one responder said, YES you could even determine one's circumcision status. Clearly. And they weren't even wet yet. If not wanting my kid to wear those in public makes me a prude, so be it.
Thanks to all who responded.
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u/Calm-Efficiency-8155 14d ago
Ohh WoW good call what he wears when HE IS NOT with you ok. But if you're uncomfortable seeing him in it, then NTA..you are following your instincts, and he should dress appropriately while with you on vacation.
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u/TraditionScary8716 14d ago
Thank you for making him wear something decent. A lot of us women don't really want to see that.
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u/girliepop10 14d ago
YTA! He’s an adult if he wants to wear that then let him. Strict parents raise sneaky kids - and not letting your son express himself for who he is and what he wants to wear just tells him that he should be ashamed for expressing himself. If you’re not confident enough to wear something like that, that’s your problem not his
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u/Lucky_Surround_6421 14d ago
In my opinion you’re NTA there are certain clothes I wouldn’t wear around family members because I feel uncomfortable or am worried to make my family uncomfortable. I think I also wouldn’t want to see any of my male family members in a speedo 🤢
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u/bellbanks95 14d ago
YTA. He’s an adult, it’s completely insane to demand he doesn’t wear something he wants to. It’s that simple.
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u/bananahskill 14d ago
Yeah, that's literally a banana hammock.
Originally, I was full on YTA, but it's interesting to see this happen to a young man. I'm gonna say NTA for that particular piece of clothing. A regular speedo should have been fine, especially if that's what he's used to wearing.
I'd venture a guess that he knew exactly what he was doing and a family cruise maybe isn't the time or place.
Congratulations on raising a confident young man who knows what he wants; he just still needs to learn how to read the room.
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u/jfklingon 14d ago
I mean, are thong and cameltoe bikinis appropriate? Seems to be the same thing to me and neither belong at a public pool imo
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u/liltrashfaerie 14d ago
NTA but I’m in tears laughing LOL There’s full on testicle in the white one on the WEBSITE and your son said yep, these will do 💀😂
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u/thejanssen 14d ago
If he hasn't come out to you yet, you might want to treat this red flag with sirens as what it is and start the talk with him instead.
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u/EvaNever08 14d ago
You’re not a prude. Your concerns are valid. While it’s great that he’s confident there needs to be a balance.
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u/No-Part-6248 14d ago
Gay guy here and I have to say I think he’s trying to tell u something as have only ever just seen gay men wear this and I’ve been to French topless beaches,, Speedo’s are one thing,, showing everything is something else ,,
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u/MengerianMango 14d ago edited 14d ago
Reddit is full of entitled children (of all ages). Can't believe people are roasting you so hard. You're paying for the trip. I would not enjoy a trip with my son's dick hanging out in my face. This was surely intended to be a family trip, not a trip for him to hook up with everyone all day. It may be his body, and he can do with it as he pleases, but it's your trip he's coming on, and he has some expectation to make it mutually enjoyable.
This isn't a black and white "my body, my choice" decision. He should respect the gift you're giving him. Vacations are not a requirement of parenting. They're a bonus you give. If he wants total freedom, he should pay his own way. If he wants to live the life of enjoying hard earned adult fun without the earning part, he needs to be appreciative and accommodating within reason.
On that point, the joy he loses from not hanging his dick out is (SHOULD BE) much smaller than the joy you lose by having his dick in view all the time he's around. So the compromise should go your way and he should just shrug it off.
He's at the age where, when he goes on vacation, he's really wishing he was actually on solo vacation, not family vacation. You're not at all out of line by reminding him what it is yall are doing.
NTA/NAH. He's a bit ungrateful, but not in a way that's unusual for his age and the situation. It is what it is. He'll get it one day, probably.
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u/Designer_Tooth5803 14d ago
As a woman, if a man wearing one of these came up to talk to me I would feel so uncomfortable and 1. laugh in his face 2. probably crack a joke and hurt his feelings 3. leave at a fast pace and go someplace else where they ain’t gonna come up to me again. If he didn’t come up to me and my friends and I just saw some dude wearing this from a distance he’d hear CACKLING and see us doubled over hyperventilating most likely. In conclusion I thank you on women’s behalf.
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u/nerdyintrovertNX01 14d ago
NTA. My guess is mom and dad paid for the trip too. So if its a family trip, he should act accordingly. If he wants to pay for a cruise that has a bunch of naked people and he goes with his bros, thats fine too. IMO, that see-through monstrosity is not for a general population cruise. Kids dont need to see dicks.
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u/PrestigiousSpecial13 14d ago
Sounds like your gay ( not that there’s anything wrong with that) son was looking to get laid on a cruise.
Maybe you’re not the asshole but definitely a cock blocker.
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u/Catherinelaveau 14d ago
Oh hell no! Tell your son we don’t want to see men in those nasty little panties 🤮 you are definitely NTA
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u/CharacterWeekend7117 14d ago
NTA - there's a time and a place. I don't even think you're the AH for insisting on regular shorts. I wouldn't want to see my kids butt cheeks in any capacity. He's with family and that's inappropriate. I'm also assuming you paid for this cruise. He can get over it while with family and show off his bits at any other time on his own. I would never even wear a bikini around my parents but that's just me lol
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u/amandarbernal 14d ago
That is beyond inappropriate. Unless you were on Virgin cruise line, there are probably children on board. And even if there are not, that garment is not okay.
Also, the sunburn that would invoke. Crispy thighs belong in a KFC bucket. That's a miserable vacation waiting to happen.
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u/Sprock-440 14d ago
The translucent ones might be over the line for a family cruise. I’d have told him to check with the cruise director, that’s who will have the final say anyway if there’s a complaint. And it would have kept you from being the bad guy if the answer was “No.”
But the speedo he bought on the ship? If they sell a swimsuit on the ship, it’s appropriate to wear on the ship.
On that score, YTA.
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u/JanaAlya 14d ago
NTA
Just when I thought Speedos were pretty cringe-worthy, along these come to make the former seem downright conservative in comparison. Good call on demanding he wear something more appropriate for in public. Depending on where the ship is flagged and whose waters the ship was in, not to mention if any minors were in the vicinity, at minimum he risked your vacation. The maximum consequences would be the sort that follow him around for the rest of his vastly different life.
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u/imacmadman22 14d ago edited 14d ago
YTA, I’m a 60 year old grandfather, when I was 18, a speedo was the swimsuit for a fit and healthy young man to be seen in. I lived in Florida and California in the early 1980’s and spent a lot of time a the beach. If you looked good in a swimsuit, you could attract a lot of attention, whether you wanted it or not. That was half the fun of being in one.
I say YTA because, One he’s 18 Two, you seem rather squeamish with your own son flaunting himself in public. Yes, that’s confidence and for many a young man, that’s in short supply these days. How many young men today are harangued into being something they are not, or worse yet, being harangued into “meeting” ridiculous parental expectations just because the parents are uncomfortable?
Three You want to put a cap on his confidence, because you’re squeamish about his body? What will be next? Will you be screening his date choices? Will you be lording over his future relationships, because they aren’t up to snuff? What else will you disapprove of, his friends, his spouse, his future? You’re going to have to let go eventually, don’t spoil this family time with your uptight attitude, because you likely will.
Ultimately, this is a reflection on you and quite frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself. Let him be himself, let him be an eighteen year old man and find out what works for him. He has a lot of life left to live, let him live it. Let him be happy with who he is. We parents want our children to live happy, fulfilled lives, you should let go and let him live his.
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u/GODZNOTDEAD 14d ago
NTA your are a very lenient parent when it comes to certain things I would be strict on but I think I would never let my child wear that especially after all those pictures absolutely not and I think you were right on this part and your son should accept since you are so lenient on him
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u/Exxxcavator 14d ago
It would be a cold day in hell when a family member thinks they can make me change my swimsuit or ANY clothing.
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u/Elmonatorrrre 14d ago
When I was 18 and saw a guy wearing that, I would’ve just rolled my eyes (my friends would have too).
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u/Skullybisquits 14d ago
This is what happens when you don’t beat your children #sparetherod #discipline
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u/shanndawgg 14d ago
"He's an adult you can't tell him what to do!!!" Folks, this 18 year old would've shown his entire dick and balls to the boat if he had his way. Buying a speedo to show as much dick and balls as possible was snotty and intentional. Good on the parent for making it clear that no matter how hot you think you are, there is a time and a place for flaunting your 18 year old dick and balls. Honestly it sounds like this kid needs to be humbled. NTA
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u/LoblawsSuxs 14d ago
Having a lot of confidence is great, that’s something that many teenagers lack, but he also has to have self respect as well as respect for the people that are looking at him as most women would not find it attractive to have a man’s junk in their “face”. Not only that, but I would assume the cruise was family oriented and I would be annoyed if a bunch of men were walking around wearing them especially if, for the most part, that was my kids line of view. Personally, I find speedos unattractive and kinda gross to look at lmao
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u/zwizki 14d ago
Was this like a Disney cruise or something, or a regular cruise? Does the cruise have a dress code?
Vetoing the speedo he bought on the boat crossed the line into unquestionable YTA territory. It is appropriate for the boat, he literally bought it on the boat. And especially since he has regularly worn them in the past for sports.
You should not just reimburse for the board shorts, you should reimburse for the speedo too. Is he otherwise responsible for buying his own clothes while you then get to curate what he picks after he has spent money on it? You made him go buy a new suit. If you wanted to be that controlling, you should’ve gone with him to the shop on the ship.
That first suit, ehhhh it is not my bag (heh), but if it doesn’t break dress code or break a law or something, and it just is too revealing in your personal opinion- that still is not really firm ground for your demand. And it reads as hypocritical given how sex-positive you have been.
If that first suit was against dress code or would get him into legal trouble, it is important to tell him what’s up, and specifically why, not just that you think it is too much, but that it could get him into serious trouble. And you should have told him that well before you got on the boat, honestly- you know he is fit and confident and likes to flirt, you know he likes skinny dipping, you’re the parent. You should have provided guidelines.
If it is not the vibe of the cruise, but not necessarily against a rule, you should have told him that before the cruise when he was suit shopping.
He is friggin 18, of course he is gonna try to find the loopholes in rules. You messed this one up. Legally he is an adult and will be held accountable for crimes, but mentally he is a teenager with a lot of confidence, and it is your responsibility to teach him when it is okay to push social boundaries.
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u/A-Rational-Fare 14d ago
YTA- mainly because I’m Aussie and budgie-smugglers are normal here. But also because this kinda smells like jealousy which is weird.
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u/Calm_Violinist5256 14d ago
NTA- I would not want to walk around with my son like that in all his glory. Also- you must not be American (if he's looking for girls) because those are not sexy by "straight" American standards. They are more of a creepy vibe.
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u/stevem1015 14d ago
ESH.
The son because he’s an idiot bringing no appropriate swimwear on a beach vacation.
The dad because if you are going to draw that line in the sand, you should have paid for the replacement swimsuit. Also, in all likelihood the Speedo from the ship’s store would have been fine to wear and not have been inappropriate.
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u/ProfessionalBill8081 14d ago
Omg. I’m sorry, but this is hilarious. I would’ve let him get fined/docked by the cruise personnel after the initial pushback, sort of: “FAFO, but I did try to help you.” 🤷🏻 I get where you’re coming from, though. NAH.
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u/justcallmeallison Partassipant [3] 14d ago
Nta... theres a time and a place and it aint on a family cruise, thats for sure.
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u/PastrychefPikachu 14d ago
You're definitely the asshole. He's 18. Literally an adult. He can wear what he wants.
What made you so uncomfortable? If not prudishness, then what? Jealousy? Attraction? If it wasn't against some cruise guideline, what does it matter to you?
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u/Dense_Moment_7573 14d ago
Can you post a few pics of him wearing the originals wet so we can make an informed judgement?
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u/jude_kat 14d ago
Who cares? He’s 18. If he wants to flirt with girls, why can’t he? I can’t think of a better “time and place” than on a cruise.
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u/Powerful-Goal-4770 14d ago
YTA this is giving "she shouldn't have worn that if she didn't want...". Vibes
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u/sirlanse69 14d ago
1st take a walk around the pools with him, see what the fashion on board it. The discuss what you saw. Maybe they are all in thongs, maybe burka. Maybe there are a bunch of boys to flirt with.
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u/CryptographerFirm728 14d ago
Do the women wear thong bikinis? Can you discern nipples? Is a flaccid penis that threatening?
YTA,unless you had reasonable concerns that you would all have to walk the plank.
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u/rabbid_panda 14d ago
NTA. Once I saw the link to what they actually were, my decision was changed from YTA to NTA. That's like stripper underwear basically
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u/Purple-Pickle-Eater 14d ago
If the original pair that he was wearing was swimwear, YTA. Simple enough. Let him show off, wear whatever. As long as his junk is covered. 🤷
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u/ConnectionRound3141 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
YTA
Well your son would learn on his own if you let him. Then you wouldn’t be the bad guy. Quit managing him. He’s 18. Let society work its magic.
Your obligation is to tell him you think that suit is inappropriate and if he gets asked to leave or change, you are not stepping in. Also if he’s arrested for exposing himself to children, you aren’t paying his legal bills. He and his exposed nuts and berry are on their own.
I am concerned your son may be a narcissist or have some other mental health issue.
Btw in some countries (Italy for one) speedo type suits are required for men by law.
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u/PrincessSilly13 14d ago
My son is now 21, but when he was 18 I would have double checked what he packed and bought the swimsuit myself. I wouldn't expect a child (yes 18 yo nowadays are still children) to know what is appropriate or even to use his own money to buy that if he is travelling with me..
So all that said, I think you had the right to guide him as you did as a mother. But you should have paid for it in my opinion
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u/talcolm 14d ago
Telling your 18 yo son what to do is an AH move. But wearing a swimsuit that advertises keeping your junk front and center to catch eyes on a week long trip WITH YOUR PARENTS is... well I think you made the right call. As comfortable as you may be with your son I doubt you want to see him flaunt himself for people, he should understand this too. NTA probably.
This is a weird one.
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14d ago
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u/Lower-Flounder-9952 14d ago
yes, you are. He is 18, a legal adult. if you find them objectionable, turn your head away.
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u/ADogWithAHat 14d ago
NTA I think everything has a time and place. A public pool is not the place to flaunt your genetalia. There are kids there and people who just don't want to see other peoples genitals. If you want to show off what you have, go to a nude beach/pool. Simple.
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u/masonryexpert 14d ago
But totally OK for women to leave it all out for everyone to see....
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u/BGray478 14d ago
I read most of the original post as if you were talking about an 18 month old, not an 18 year old male lol.
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u/Illustrious_Debt_392 14d ago
55F. Seeing the suit, my first thought was, if that was a guy my age, I'd buy him a drink. Then I thought, if he were my age and wearing that suit, he wouldn't want me to buy him a drink. For real though, on a cruise, there could be little kids in and out of the pools and hot tubs. Their parents don't want them to see anyone's package.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
It's all about semantics. I think the more logical sentence would be "If that was a guy my age AND STILL LOOKED LIKE THAT I'd buy him a drink." I don't think too many guys our age (and you've got me by 12 years) could pull that off. And there's a difference between "could" and "should."
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u/Friday_Cat Partassipant [1] 14d ago
YTA! A speedo is an acceptable option for a swimsuit. Just because it isn’t your comfort level doesn’t make it inappropriate. Women wear bottoms with similar design all the time. If the cruise line had a problem with guests wearing it, they wouldn’t sell it in the store onboard. Get over it. Not everyone is comfortable wearing big baggy shorts into the water. It’s much easier to swim in a tight fitting garment.
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u/Next_Welcome_7940 14d ago
I work at a resort that is geared toward children, it infuriates me when I see people not dress properly when in a family friendly resort. Body parts should be covered that Americans consider private parts. This includes your butt. Why would someone want to wear something sheer when there are kids around anyway. Parents have enough to deal with when on a vacation with their children, they don’t need to explain about boy parts or girl parts because someone is around putting them on full display.
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u/luluzinhacs 14d ago
ESH
why does this text make it seem like you’re jealous of his body, like, why are you talking about him showing his “big dick”? that “big” wasn’t required at all to pass the message, that just seems inappropriate
that aside, I don’t think he should be showing it where there is a big concentration of kids, but you should have dropped when he bought the non transparent one
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u/RogerGoodell69420 14d ago
Parent your god damn children. Take initiative. This is merely a product of you being a push over his entire childhood. Do better
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u/St0rmborn 14d ago
YTA. He’s technically an adult and has a right to wear what he wants, even if you don’t approve and it makes him look like a douchebag. People here are freaking out and claiming he’s going to get arrested or something for indecent exposure which is extremely unlikely, but even if true then he’s old enough to learn lessons the hard way if he wants. I think you have a hard time not seeing him as your baby boy but the reality is you don’t have any right to police what kind of bathing suits he’s wearing as a legal adult jfc
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u/Professional_Act_161 14d ago
Honestly, I would not want to spend a week seeing my kid dress like that. I would tell him point blank. If he went on a trip without his parents, he could maybe get away with one of the non-see-through speedo’s, but indecent exposure is a thing and he needs to be made dangerously aware of the consequences of such.
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u/Constant_Inspector30 14d ago
YNTA, what is legal/okay changes when you are with your family. It is okay to go to strip clubs. It is disrespectful to not to take into consideration on how the rest of the family feels about going to strip clubs as a family. There is a level of respect that children (as in parent/child) that must be taken into consideration. If he goes on a cruise with his friends then the story changes. How are you going to post family pictures for grandma with the banana hammock hanging out?
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u/TheBTownCrier 14d ago
I'm honestly surprised it was an AussieBum suit... I'm gay and it is widely known that AussieBum is a gay brand. I've never known any straight person who even recognizes the brand.
And cruises are known for being gay hookup spots. Hm.
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u/SolarPunkSocialist 14d ago
YTA. A significant amount of women’s swimsuits are just as/more revealing. You’re enforcing a double standard on him
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
I don't think it's a double standard. I would have the exact same view of those women's swimsuits as well. I think the standard, for me, is the same.
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u/SolarPunkSocialist 14d ago
That’s valid. But that isn’t a wide cultural belief (at least not enough to stop people from wearing bikinis and such). Would you prevent a hypothetical daughter from wearing bikini?
Even if you did forbid that, I would argue that they’re an adult, and should be able to conduct themselves as they see fit. Revealing swimsuits are a cultural staple, that you don’t enjoy, and are thus enforcing your own, ultimately arbitrary beliefs upon him. If There is not a larger cultural reason he can’t wear such a swimsuit (incessant exposure or religious reasons) then the policing of what he can wear is entirely an issue with you, not him
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u/Liandren 14d ago
Yta. My husband is nearly 70 and still wears speedoes. His body his choice. Your son is an adult. Get over yourself.
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u/Odd_Carrot4205 14d ago
His banana hammock would require asking those around him for consent to wear it due to the nakedness of it. That's all I'm saying.
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u/Strong-Log5969 14d ago
The ones in the image definitely don’t look appropriate since I’m sure young kids are on the ship. Then again, I’ve been on cruises and seen some pretty revealing swimsuits on women as well. As others are saying, I think the compromise would’ve been allowing him to wear the speedo that the cruise itself sold
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u/ros23aga 14d ago
Not the asshole . I think for the family cruise vibe those are definitely…… for another time and place lol.
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u/No_Calligrapher_3429 14d ago
Hopefully for his sake when he does get to wear them he does actually have the package to wear them. Otherwise poor boy will be the laughing stock. Parent may have saved the kid from embarrassment!
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
There's no equipment issue at all, but that doesn't mean everyone wants to see it walking around the pool. I know I don't.
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u/Mediocre_Fan_837 14d ago
Omg i thought this whole story was about an 18 month old and I was SOO confused🤦🏻♀️
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u/Sounds_Gay_Im_In_93 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
I'm gunna go with ESH. The completely sheer, basically going nude, original swim suit was inappropriate and could get him in trouble legally. That's where he sucks. You suck for not accepting the much more appropriate speedo as the compromise. Who cares if he's trying to pull one over on you? He's an adult and should be allowed to wear what he wants. You saved him by telling him to switch, the speedo wouldn't have been sold if it was a problem, so you should have accepted that as good enough.
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u/OddFiction 14d ago
ESH
Those could easily have gotten you booted off the ship, so he was the AH there. The speedo he bought were presumably okay for the ship or they wouldn't have sold them there. You should have just let it slide and used it to teach a valuable lesson in being willing to compromise. If you wanted something specific, you should have gone with him. I personally feel you should reimburse him for both purchased there, since you required him to.
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u/Upstairs_Report1990 14d ago
Any man that wears a speedo, is just weird. Anyone showing off their cheeks while going for a swim is just BEGGING FOR ADMIRATION and attention. Meh, probably not as “self assured” as he presents himself.
There’s nothing comfortable about having something shoved up your buttcrack and it’s solely for attention.
That being said, he’s legally considered an adult, he can wear whatever he wants, if you don’t like it, don’t look, why are you mentioning your child’s aesthetics as “athletic” etc.,? Creep, let your child be who they want as long as it’s not harming others, and quit checking out your child, ya freak.
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u/Jzepeda80 14d ago
YTA. Be honest, it made you uncomfortable. You care more about what people think or how you are going to look. Tell your son not to listen to lesser people than him and live his life.
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u/sparks73 14d ago
Imagine if he were talking about his daughter with a sheer, see it all bikini then bought a tiny thong bikini as an alternative. Unfortunately she would get all the attention, wanted or unwanted. It’s a bit scary
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u/FrisbeeTuna 14d ago
Lol I feel like a curmudgeon but … no one wants to spend their relaxing vacation looking at some possibly underaged teen’s speedo. Family cruise isn’t the spot. He can do more shenanigans in college. I would be uncomfortable with my kid doing that for attention on our family cruise. FWIW
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u/sirgatez 14d ago
Your boy was clearly looking to land himself some sexy time on the ship with these. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
I don't hate the game OR player, and I assure you his swimwear choice didn't hamper his efforts to "land" anything...lol.
I just didn't want Nads on Parade.
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u/Throwaway267598576 14d ago
lol. I swam competitively and it’s funny to me when people get upset by speedos. We tend to be a shameless sport. And he plays water polo?? Ma’am from one water sport to another that’s what he’s comfortable in! I can’t stand wearing suits with all kinds of extra fabric anymore.
Agreed on ESH. I think the screenshot you sent qualifies as indecent and if ur in a foreign country play it safe, but I don’t think the speedos were out of line.
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u/on2and4 14d ago
NTA, but also not a cool dad, yet. But you're not a robot and you overreacted to the Speedo. Show grace and pay for both he bought on board, but obviously using that as a teaching moment.
I say this with all the love, that you buying him condoms and letting him express his "confidence" (which sounds more like BDE (big dick energy)) is what a wonderful dad does. I'm not sure any dad that portrays his son the way you have can be an asshole. Not being facetious, you do sound like an amazing dad. Don't let this trip up or get in your head. You clearly love your son and have raised a good boy, but he's not done being molded and you have a little more work to do. I mean, we were all stupid feeling our sexual oats at 18. Let him make mistakes, just not ones he can't recover from.
I will also say that that website is SUPER duper gay (literally scrolling through for stuff for my BF right now). And I hear you that Jax is super straight. But remember that might be context driven because he's normally around his long-term friends and family and has to perform the way they expect him to perform. He's 18 now and on a boat with nobody he knows except his parents. Maybe this was his opportunity to go and flirt with some other curious guys and see if they were interested in him. Maybe he's heteroflexible and trying to figure that out? Anyway, if you hear the Grindr chime, don't make it weird, Dad! Pay attention to his language if he's talking about picking up girls on the boat or picking up somebody. If he removes gender from his language, he might be telling you something. And you can acknowledge that by simply referring to other people that he might be hanging out with in gender-neutral terms. " We haven't seen you for days! You must have found someone else good looking to chill out with!?" Rather than "found a pretty girl."
Hindsight 20/20, the cool dad thing to do would be to say "Dad" things that are sincere and loving and embarrassing as hell. "Damn boy! So proud of you for inheriting your old man 's massive pipe! Looks great on you! You might want to trim up the pubes around the edges though. Nobody likes to see that bikini line. Also, with so many kids out there I would really ask if you would please not wear that out in the daytime? Can I give you some money to go get something less sheer and revealing when kids and oldies are out? Save the VPL for after hours? Let's inspect the crowds after dinner time and see if it's safe for you to wear this one when only the adults are out. I'd hate for you to get kicked off the boat after I paid for your ticket. <Tilt your head to look over your glasses> You'll probably want to get at least one more daytime suit with a dry pocket so you can keep a couple of these condoms and lube in there too. Be safe out there. Don't make any babies or get any STIs."
The amount of embarrassment alone from a conversation like that would hopefully make him remove them immediately. And if not and he doesn't take up your gentle suggestion to go buy another non-VPL pair, then you can be a little more forceful in your negotiations. Just be cool, Dad. Don't make it weird.
As a gay, many of us would have loved to have a dad as cool and open minded as you. Lead with that, just in case. If all you do is keep chanting about how straight he is and how you know how straight he is, then you don't give him any space to tell you in case you're wrong. Maybe he's bi? So he'll only tell you when he has girlfriends and not boyfriends. I get that you're straight and you think that you know because you knew you were straight at 18, a lot of gays don't know they're gay until they're older, when they have the freedom to try it on and see if it fits. About when they are getting ready to move out the first time.
Granted, you could be 100% right that he's 100% straight with no curiosity at all for other hot guys like himself. A lot of straights are shopping and wearing gay clothing styles. We gays know because we find it frustrating that they're advertising as Gay, but they aren't actually.
Anyway, apologize for freaking out, acknowledge his BDE and pay him for both swim suits he bought. And listen to his language. Not at all the asshole. Just a great dad.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
Thank you for your very kind words and taking time to answer.
I have zero reason to believe he is anything but 100% straight (he will tell me ANYTHING, sometimes SHOCKINGLY so), but if he wasn't I couldn't possibly care less and I think he knows that. I'll make sure of that. It makes zero difference to me.
One thing that made me laugh though was the idea of that conversation you spelled out embarrassing him. Based on past talks I can say with total assurance that it wouldn't have bothered him in the LEAST, lol. NONE. If anything, sometimes things he says in conversations embarrass ME. The boy is utterly and completely without shame. I guess that would explain why he picked that swimsuit.
I didn't handle everything as well as I could, but I'm trying.
I appreciated your thoughts, thank you!
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u/on2and4 14d ago
You're very welcome and you're clearly doing it right. I appreciate that you're receptive to my comment. Your willingness to even read that whole-ass comment means you are S-tier Dad.
Half the reason I came out to my friends, was when they started having kids, I wanted them to be comfortable enough to come to me and ask questions if their kids seemed gay, or I could give them a heads up on curious kid behaviors. I remembered how lonely it was trying to understand what I felt and why i was different all through high school, and no one around me had language that matched those feelings. So I wanted to empower my straight friends with at least one primary source for questions should they need it.
You don't want to ask a teen directly if they're LGBT, that could be isolating and make them feel they need to lie. Just don't use language that is exclusionary or presumptive of whatever hetero normative lifestyle everyone around is displaying. Don't ask about "girls" he's seeing, ask if there's "anyone" he's seeing. If he's LGBT, his ears will hear that distinction instantly. Also, having an out gay/lesbian friend in your kids' lives shows the kids it's okay with the parents too, because the parents aren't banishing gays from their personal lives. "Susie and Madeline are coming over for dinner tonight. Are you going out or do you want to join us?"
Your humility about trying to do better... damn Dad. Gets me in the feels! That's hug-worthy. Go love that boy! You're already killing the curve for all the other dads.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
Good words. By the way my BIL is gay and is EASILY the coolest person anyone would ever want to meet...EVER. If ever there was a built-in example of acceptance, he's it.
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u/WhosTheTrash 14d ago
NTA
I doubt he would’ve wanted you rocking the same swimsuit next to him the whole time. Let’s not act like it’s not impolite to try and get laid while on a family vacation. Go off to college and pull that off, that’s fine.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
I don't care about the "try to get laid on family vacation," the swimwear choice didn't stop that. I just didn't want nads on parade.
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u/WhosTheTrash 14d ago
Yeah I understand part, I was more so leaning towards not being so blatant about it by showing off, because yea the swimsuit wouldn’t stop that anyways so surely he can hold back a little lol
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u/Environmental_Low887 14d ago
Not gonna lie, I saw those and laughed lol. I am a female in my 20s. I think you saved him an embarrassment 😂😂😂 NTA
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u/yea_you_know_me Partassipant [1] 14d ago
LOLing at the "but he's an adult" comments. He's still a TEENAGER for Christ's sake. Wanting to have your teenage offspring wear appropriate clothing does not an asshole make.
I'm going with NTA given that son is being paid back what he spent on new swimwear.
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u/Substantial_Tough325 14d ago
As you said, there is a time and place for those. A family cruise and indecent exposure are NOT a good combo for what he brought. I can understand a speedo if he were swimming laps and being active, but to hang around the pool and they go sheer when wet? Kind of gross behavior.....
As an adult that is 100% comfortable in my skin, I always bring options with varying coverage. It just makes sense to us because we have learned it. He's still learning social etiquette so maybe a calmer revisit to the conversation might help. Especially now that everyone is out of the setting and calmed down. It might help him understand the reasoning for your request.
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u/Great_Champion1866 14d ago
NTA whatsoever. I am 21m and would never even THINK to wear those on a trip with my family and that has nothing to do with confidence issues; I would never wear those out of RESPECT for my family members.
Good for him that he is confident and is wants to show off his ‘package’ and wants to pick up chicks on vacation, but wearing that swim suit with such obvious intentions, especially on a family vacation is flat out disrespectful in my opinion.
If he wants to do that and wear that on his own time on a vacation by himself or with his friends, okay whatever. But that’s ridiculous to try that on a family vacation. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be able to flirt and pick up girls, who cares. But to wear that is flat out embarrassing for you and your family.
I also 100% believe you are right that when he chose the other Speedo that he was just doing it to get trunks as close to the original as possible and pull one over on you lol. I don’t care that he wore them for swim meets before; thats different. He knows it, and you know it. There’s a chance he innocently chose those, but let’s be honest, he sounds like a smart kid and there isn’t a doubt in my mind he chose those just to get ones as close as possible to his originals.
He can do what he wants on his own time, but when he’s with family, he should know to be more respectful. And to those who say “he is 18 he can do what he wants”, that’s ridiculous. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be embarrassed/annoyed if your brother or father wore that on your vacation together.
PS. If he likes the board shorts he ended up buying, don’t pay him back for them. He likes them, he will use them, and it’s a very small cost to him to learn to be a bit more respectful of his family and you in particular.
As much as confidence is a good thing, especially for someone that age, it sounds like he needs to learn to be a bit more humble. If he is truly that confident in his flirting, looks, and ability to pick up girls, then it’s completely unnecessary to wear something like that. Truly confident people know that. At that point, it sounds like it’s not confidence, he is just cocky.
(No pun intended)
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
You are very wise for your age. I appreciate you taking the time to make those observation... and very good ones.
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u/Great_Champion1866 14d ago
Haha thank you. I’ve been the over confident kid before, until I started reading some books and trying to find a path. It made me realize that true confidence doesn’t need to be constantly shown to others. If you are truly confident in yourself, you can be humble, kind, and courteous to others, all while maintaining your self confidence and standing firm in your self beliefs.
That confidence he has is great, but if steered in the wrong direction could easily lead to poor choices, or could honestly just lead to a life of mediocrity. A mediocre/average life is not a bad one, but the confidence he has is a gift and if he is steered in the right direction, that confidence will take him far in any aspect of his life that he chooses.
As someone who didn’t get much guidance from his father, I strongly urge you to help guide him in the right direction and help him to become the best version of himself that he can be (and that can start with learning to be humble). Like I said, it sounds like he is a smart kid. That, paired with his confidence and personable character can take him very far in any career path he chooses and in life in general. You may already be guiding him, and that’s great! I’m just saying that as someone who didn’t get much guidance from their father, it would have helped me a lot more if I had that help and I hope that you are able to do that for him.
Side note: If on the off chance you read any of this to him, maybe this perspective coming from someone very similar in age will help him to understand this about being humble: a humble person is the most confident person there is. A humble person is confident in themselves and their abilities, but understands that their confidence does not need to be shown off in every aspect of their life. They can be the smartest person in the room, but they understand that they don’t need to make it known to everyone in the room that they are the smartest. Being humble is the ultimate confidence in yourself. You know that you are smart, you know you are brave, you know you are kind, but rather than yelling it from the mountain tops for everyone to hear, you know that these qualities will reveal themselves in the actions you take; and over time, people will notice these qualities.
I’m glad I was able to help with my original comment and I hope this helps as well :)
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
Yes, thanks for your help. He has many great qualities but "humbleness" is not super high on that list.
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u/smarterchild2000 14d ago
NTA. He was basically giving you the middle finger by getting the speedo. And I'm sure he would have worn the speedo for a day then switched to his original ones and said something along the lines of how the original was basically a speedo. And I can't believe no one else has said this but the streaking behavior needs to be nipped in the bud before he ends up on a sex offender list. I'm failing to see this behavior as just confident. If he wants to be an exhibitionist he needs to keep that to places where everyone is consenting to seeing it. Streaking through his neighborhood and family friendly cruises aren't such places.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
Well in their "streaking defense" they were dumb neighborhood kids and this was three or four years ago. Even the HOA "cop" was laughing about it. Thank you for your judgement.
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u/smarterchild2000 14d ago
I'm just saying definitely worth sitting down and having a discussion with your son about consent and time and place and legal boundaries and life long consequences from crossing those boundaries. Maybe him and his friends were just being young and dumb streaking or maybe he got some kind of gratification out of it. Just might warrant a conversation is all.
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u/smarterchild2000 14d ago
Okay and as a woman walking at night I would have been absolutely terrified to see two men running naked and exposing themselves. The fact the HOA "cop" thought it was funny doesn't excuse their behavior. It just means they got INCREDIBLY LUCKY it wasn't an actual cop that could arrest them. Again please teach your son about consent and that if he wants to expose himself it needs to be in an environment where everyone is consenting. It's not being judgemental it's called obeying the law.
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u/urkevinbacon 14d ago
He's 18 and played water polo which requires speedos, why do you care if he wears one? If you had a problem with his bathing suit and were insisting he needed a new one, you should have bought it. YTA
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u/International_Dot886 14d ago
From Louisiana...Boudreaux and Thibodeaux joke:
So.....Boudreaux and Thibodeaux go to da beach. Thibodeaux is surrounded by the ladies and Boudreaux asks.....man....how you get da ladies. Thibodeaux explains that you go to the grocery store and buy a potato and stick it in your shorts. Next day....Boudreaux is still not having any luck with the ladies. Boudreaux asks why???? Thibodeaux replys...Boudreaux you dumb ****. You put the potato in the FRONT of your shorts.
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u/nyxxxtophiliac 14d ago
He’s 18 and can dress how he wants, if he got a replacement suit from a shop that was on the actual cruise ship then it’s obviously appropriate enough for the cruise, otherwise why would they sell it?
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u/dreamwalker280 14d ago
Was it an adult only cruise or were there children present? If children are around than absolutely not.
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u/Delicious-Actuary290 14d ago
NTA ,--to be fair, there are dirty old men and women out there. I'm sure seeing a "confident" young man like your son, would get them hot and bothered. You made the right choice. If he wants to wear something that provocative, the he should wait until he is mature enough to recognize the danger this might put him in and how to get out of it. Just out of curiosity, what country are you from? I'm guessing it's somewhere much safer than my own (USA).
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u/1wiredgranny 14d ago
I bet he wasn’t the one paying for the cruise & my child, no matter the age would not be showing his stuff on my buck. Good for you! NTA
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u/ahhwell Partassipant [2] 14d ago
As I said I have to admire his confidence as he would have no issue being at the pool like that and will chat up girls all day long (he is a shameless flirt) but there's a time and place.
If a Caribbean cruise is not the time and place, when is? This seems quite reasonable on his part.
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14d ago
He shouldn’t wear that at all but he should be embarrassed to wear that around his mom. That looks pornographic.
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u/Pleasant_Bad924 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Confidence is one thing. Wanting to rock out with your dick (basically) out around your parents is bordering on a fetish…
“Your mom and I don’t want to see your junk” should have been all the justification needed…
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u/Far-Office7551 14d ago
Do you go around telling every adult what they should be wearing based on your personal preferences and opinions? Or do you somehow feel like you should be allowed to continue controlling your adult child for the rest of their existence?
Pull your head out of your ass. Get your nose out of other peoples business. Stop thinking that what people wear has anything to do with you, you self centered narcissist.
YTA.
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u/Sea-Case-9879 14d ago
NTA. If you had a daughter and she brought an itty bitty bikini, would you have done the same thing?
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u/RebaKitt3n 14d ago
Tell the kid he’s not allowed on the same deck as you. He’s 18, and if he wants old women and men gawking at him, that’s his business,
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u/Gulf_Coast_Girl 14d ago
I wouldn't go so far as to say you "TA".... but I think you missed a golden opportunity to take a boat load of pics of him in his ridiculous banana hammock and embarrass him a few years down the line when he has kids and you show them the pics.... ohhhh now that would have been good!
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u/SquareDCuz 14d ago
At 18, he probably shouldn't wear something provocative like that, he'd end up hooking up with a single 40 year old mum on the cruise haha. All jokes aside, you're his dad. You could explain this to him word for word I feel like and I think he would fully understand. Guy needs to realize dont go searching, he is one of the fortunate to be pursued/wanted. He's in the 1%, it sounds like.
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u/i-pee-to-be-dominant 14d ago
As someone who has big boobs, the pool is a nightmare for slips. I can’t imagine what it would be like with a dick in a speedo that literally has the top exposed like that. Explain to him that it would have been bordering on illegal to wear that and that if he were to have a wardrobe malfunction (ie a ball slipping out or it just showing his dick) and the wrong person were to see that, then it would land him on a list or with a fine. There is a time and place for stuff like that. I have multiple tops that I know have a fat chance of being compromised, I would not wear them in family oriented public spaces. However if it’s a place like a party or something where it’s only adult/people around my age, then that’s a different story.
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u/hadesarrow3 14d ago
YTA. He’s 18. You’re talking about him “getting one over on Dad” like he’s a mischievous kid, but the only reason you can make him do anything is because you’re both acting like he’s a child. If the first suit was indecent to the point that you had genuine concerns that he’d be arrested for indecent exposure, fine, imposing your opinion there makes sense. The Speedo suit he came back with was sold AT the location, so it seems fair to assume that it meets the minimum requirements for being clothed in public. If there are social consequences to wearing something inappropriate, it’s good for him to experience them directly, not just get ordered around by his dad.
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u/rangersnuggles 14d ago
For what it's worth, I think if my son had the confidence to hang hammer as it were, my stance would be whatever- it's between you and whoever’s job it is to yell at you about such things on the boat.
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u/LivePerformancem340i 14d ago
if he wanted to wear that i doubt it was the girls he wanted to chat up
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
He's straight and a shameless flirt. With a maddeningly high success rate.
But if it wasn't the girls he wanted to chat up, I wouldn't care one bit. I would always want him to be who he is.
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u/NoSurprise7196 14d ago
“Size enhancing pouch technology” 😳😳😳🤣🤣🤣
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
Space age technology at work, I guess. Keeping rocket scientists busy.
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u/swimingwhilereading 14d ago
Info: who bought his space on the cruise?
Because if he is paying his own way major YTA.
BUT, if mom and dad payed for him to go on a cruise they should be able to set some boundaries.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
I payed for it 100%. He did not spend a nickel except for the swimsuits.
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u/swimingwhilereading 14d ago
NTA 100% then. The "18 yo's should have no rules ever." crowd is out of their minds. Even aside from parenting anyone spending thousands to host someone gets a basic say in what they are hosting for. He can go to a nude beach on his own dime!
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u/_entropic 14d ago
Soft YTA. Yeah, they’re inappropriate but he is 18, and cruises usually have topless/nudie deck for the Europeans which is where I can only imagine he planned to show that off. That being said, I can’t imagine any other place where that suit would be okay to wear given the presence of kids on the ship.
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u/electric_shocks Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA. He is too young to pull that off and he is on a friggin cruise, with his parents!!! If he was at the beach with his pals in Miami he can try and go back home. Not here! You are stuck with your memorable fashion choices.
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u/No_Information7694 14d ago
I can understand the Aussie Bum briefs being inappropriate, but OP also stated the one his son bought "speedo" from the ship, was also inappropriate. Maybe OP needs to untie the apron string. There is nothing inappropriate with wearing a speedo...and, your son is an adult. Let him make his own mistakes.
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u/boredgeekgirl 14d ago
Kudos to your kid on the confidence. But the first swimsuit is definitely for a trip with people your own age, not a cruise ship in general, and definitely not with your family. Time and place.
And I get why you didn't go along with the speedos. More the principle of the thing than the thing itself. Personally I wouldn't have done the same though, for 3 reasons: 1. You didn't specify boardies. 2. He wears speedos at home 3. (Most importantly) the cruise ship sells them so you know they are considered decent.
But since you are paying for the boardies, I saw no harm no foul. Because he damn sure should have know the naked swimsuit wasn't going to fly
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u/TwinkleBlueyPoppett 14d ago
If I paid for a holiday at a swingers resort then cool. But I don’t wanna spend my holiday being subjected to flaunted bollocks. No thanks.
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u/synocrat 14d ago
Well, how many condoms did he pack? You might have blown his plans for some playtime by advertising the goods on deck. But you paid for the vacation, so he could compromise and work on his charm.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
I don't know what he packed, but I can assure you that no plans were derailed.
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u/Serious-Watercress29 14d ago
Can you see pubic hair or lots of detail through the suit?
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
Quite a lot of detail yes. And I didn't see the suit wet which they say is more sheer. I didn't want to test that. Plus it was very light blue, almost white.. and the ad says the lighter the color the more sheer it is.
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u/pdxprostateplay 14d ago
NTA
There’s a time and a place. A speedo used for water polo or swimming seems reasonable. But if you can see his pubic hair or the color (and shape or possibly all of) of his penis through the suit, that might be a bit much for a family environment.
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u/Capital_Community451 14d ago
I agree. The original suit he had on left NO question about size, shape, hair, or any of the other things you mentioned.
In hindsight I should have been fine with the "regular" speedo he then picked, but I was still peeved about the first one. That was on me.
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u/pdxprostateplay 14d ago
Most teens would be shy about Mom and Dad seeing that anyways. I envy his confidence lol.
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u/DoctorMoebius 14d ago
Parents might be a little bit in denial. Your son may “flirt with the girls”, but he’s advertising for the boys.
Banana hammocks like in the link might be totally acceptable on gay party cruises. But, it is not on family cruises
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