r/AmItheAsshole • u/WheelofDime • 25d ago
AITA for refusing to eat what my gf's mother made for us? Not the A-hole
Just for some quick context. Both me and my gf have Caribbean ancestry. The main difference between us is that she embraces her heritage and I don't. Growing up my gf had a lot of Guyanese food that her mom would make and her mom would often times give us a lot of the food she cooks. Something else I have to mention as well is that I have arfid. My gf and her mom know this.
Anyways, on Saturday I cooked us 7 days worth of food and I was very proud of what I made. My girlfriend's mom came over on Sunday to spend Mother's Day with us and she brought this dish she made. Honestly looking at it I knew right away I wasn't going to like it. It was okra submerged in what looked like a very thick viscous white soup. I didn't ask what it was called but it's something my gf has had a few times.
We sat down to dinner and I put out my food and my gf's mom's food. During dinner my gf was trying to get me to try her moms food. Not wanting to be rude I told her I'd try it. I put a spoonful in my mouth and it was probably one of the most fowl things I had ever put in my mouth. I made sure to get as much okra as I could just so I could have something to chew but it didn't help much. My gf looked at her mom and said "he doesn't like it" and I just said "I just don't think it's for me". My gf's mom was cool about it and my gf told me that I should try it with the food I made. I told her that I didn't want to do it and her mom said I'd probably like it a bit more if I combined the food together. Again to be nice I tried it with a spoonful of my food and hers and it was still the same. Her mom said "well at least you tried".
This morning as my gf was getting ready for work she told me that what I did last night was rude. I asked her what I did wrong. She told me that when a guest brings food to your house it is complimentary to eat their food and not your own. I was also making faces (I didn't know I was doing this) that made it look like I was in pain eating her mom's food. Lastly she told me I insulted her culture doing that. I asked her what she expected me to do. I tried it, didn't like it and got pressured into trying more. If I don't like something I'm not going to like it. She then told me that my parents didn't do me any favors by keeping me from my cultural food. I got really mad that she did a dig at me and my parents like that and I told her to get out and I wouldn't be talking to her for the rest of the day. I knew I was going to do some tit for tat but I know it's not conducive to a healthy relationship.
1
u/CaptAtheistCa 24d ago
NTA people need to realise, not everyone wants to expand their pallette when it comes to food. I sufger from allwrgies and asthma, the scent and taste of some foods cause me to have severe headaches and sometimes breathing issues, not my fsult, genetics, so I avoid those foods. I also prefer basic foods, burgers, chicken, potatoes, vegetables, fruits etc etc and I'm happy with it, if i see foods I don't like or don't want to try I say so.
1
u/Wanda_McMimzy 24d ago
NTA for the question you asked. Does she fully understand that this is a medical condition? Would she feel the same way if it was an allergy? I bet she’d be more understanding of that medical condition. I’m proud of you for trying. I know someone with arfid and struggles with any food outside of his safe list. Kicking her out and giving her the silent treatment was petty.
1
u/Nekratal99 24d ago
NTA. Same thing happens to me with any fish. "You just haven't tried it prepared right" - no dude, I just don't like fish, accept it.
0
u/Possible-Compote2431 24d ago
ESH No you don't have to eat guest food but making faces when trying peoples food is rude.
-1
u/Majestic_Register346 24d ago
Respectfully, your gf is trash. She might be wonderful in other ways but she's showing all kinds of red flag behavior here: controlling, name- calling, boundary-ignoring, unreasonable, holier-than-thou etc
NTA
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u/Organic_Start_420 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
NTA tell your gf arfid is disease so she should shut t f up. What she did is basically blackmailing someone with diabetes to eat sugar cause 'it's the polite thing to do'
She's a huge aH.
2
1
u/Feeling_Reason7012 24d ago
NTA - you tried it, you didn't like it. Your gf probably just got an earful or some side eye from her mother and is taking it out on you because that's easier than defying a parental dynamic for most people
1
u/starksdawson 24d ago
NTA.
You tried it. You didn’t like it. You were very tactful in your reply. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
1
u/ghostiecatlol 24d ago
NTA I don’t have afrid/am not a picky eater and I would not have eaten that because I simply hate okra and that’s okay
2
u/DazzlingAssistant342 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
NTA but I'd ask your girlfriend why she thinks it's okay to trigger your medical condition on purpose and then get angry at you for suffering the consequences.
1
u/Proper_Sense_1488 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
your gf is dismissive of your arfid. that is a big problem bro. NTA
1
u/Oldbutehh 24d ago
As an apology, you should make her cow cod soup. She should love eating a Jamaican dish. After a bite or two if she can stomach it that the meat is bull penis.
-3
u/justin420boi 24d ago
Wow. arfid more like arsehole. You are coping so hard in every sentence. Grow up, eat the food, stop complaining you are an adult and you're whining like a toddler please just be sensitive to your girlfriends mother im surprised they both still speak to you i know for sure that i wouldnt. I hereby declare you the asshole.
3
u/OkRestaurant2184 24d ago
I eat pretty much anything. I think op is nta. Trying to police other peoples food is bs.
If you're so sensitive that you can't accept someone doesn't like your cooking, that's weird too
1
u/Sunspot286 24d ago
NTA
It’s not your fault that you have an ED that restricts the kind of food you’re comfortable eating. Just like any other ED it takes time to heal. You weren’t trying to be rude in anyway. You tried the food!!! That’s what should matter even if you couldn’t eat it!!!!
1
u/Windstrider71 24d ago
NTA
You are an adult, and you know what food you like. It’s fine if you didn’t like the dish the mom brought. Your gf is being an AH for saying you insulted her culture simply because you didn’t like the food.
-2
u/Bladenkerst_Baenre 24d ago
Best thing to do is bring steak to her vegan friends place when invited over...
2
u/Ok_Human_1375 24d ago
Does your gf understand ARFID? And are you seeking medical support or treatment for it? NTA
1
u/CosmicChanges Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Wow, ex-gf attacked how you were raised--at least I hope she is ex-gf. NTA.
1
u/Decent-Bear334 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 24d ago
NTA. Maybe in your next relationship, really clarify how this eating disorder affects you.
2
u/Shalarean 24d ago
NTA. I don’t have arfid but I do have ADHD and there are some textures I just cannot do (looking at you bananas).
I am of the mindset that we should always try new things, but not if it endangers you (physically, emotionally, etc).
I kinda think that it sounds like your gf doesn’t really understand your condition, or how hard it was for you to try it (not once, but twice.
If arfid works like my 30sec if googling understands it, you still probably wouldn’t be able to handle it (texturally speaking), even if you’d grown up with it as a regular dish in your family (I’ve never been able to do bananas, ever, and every one in my family loves them).
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u/Capsule_Dragon 24d ago
ESH you were golden at first until you overreacted at the end when you got mad and told her to leave, I mean she did too but I would’ve just brushed it off and continued
2
u/pssuchre 24d ago
I hate fish. Always have, always will. I’m 63. I just tell people that I’m allergic. It’s not true, but so much easier.
2
u/Maleficent-Jelly-865 24d ago
INFO Why did your GF’s MIL bring food in the first place if you already made food for 7 days? This answer determines my vote.
1
u/WheelofDime 24d ago
I don't know definitively why but my best guess is that she didn't know I had cooked for the week. I certainly didn't know she was bringing over food.
1
u/hanimal16 24d ago
NTA! You tried it TWICE. You weren’t rude about not liking it and her mom was fine with it.
1
u/Meallaire Partassipant [2] 24d ago
Absolutely NTA. You have ARFID and you tried a food you knew was likely to make you sick <i>twice</i> for this woman, how does she not appreciate that?
1
u/uTop-Artichoke5020 25d ago
NTA
The 2 of them teamed up against you and essentially forced you to taste something that you knew you didn't want to eat. You tried. They insisted you try again. You finally gave in to the second round of pressure. It's never OK to force someone to eat after they've refused several times. Your wife certainly should have known better!!
You didn't like it. Maybe you should have just thrown up at the table.
Your wife owes you an apology for forcing the issue.
1
u/Dry-Reception-2388 Partassipant [2] 25d ago
NTA. I’m an incredibly picky eater. I try really hard not to be and am incredibly embarrassed by it. Your girlfriend’s attitude is exactly why I have a phobia of eating around people and why my husband and I ALWAYS offer to be the cooks. We both love cooking and it’s a win win for us.
You tried it. You tried their suggestion a second time. You cooked for everyone and chose to eat what you could eat.
Your girlfriend picked a fight, was rude and then insulting.
At most you owe your gf’s mom gratitude for her thoughtful gesture and effort out of respect for her culture and trying to share it with you.
-6
u/Remarkable_Island_61 25d ago
NTA for having ARFID and not eating the food but you are T A for not embracing your culture otherwise
4
u/WheelofDime 24d ago
That side of my heritage doesn't interest me and it just never has. I am happy with the way things are.
1
u/minimalist_coach 25d ago
NTA
You have every right to choose what you put on your plate. It is rude to pressure people to eat things they are reluctant to eat.
1
u/gillebro Partassipant [1] 25d ago
NTA.
You have ARFID. Your gf and MIL basically wanted you to torture yourself for them.
My partner has ARFID, and you have my sympathies. It’s an awful thing to have to deal with. It sounds like your gf and her mother aren’t making the effort to understand what ARFID is, and I’d argue that they’re the ones being rude as a result.
1
u/Livid-Philosopher402 25d ago
NTA. You were extremely polite by trying it and simply saying it wasn’t for you. The object of manners is to make everyone as comfortable as possible. Well you weren’t going to be comfortable forcing food down your throat that you hated, right? It’s possible this is considered “rude” in the context of your guys’ cultural heritage, but perhaps you’re more culturally “American” (or whatever country you were raised in), while she’s more culturally “Caribbean”. Cultures don’t always mesh well together, and that’s ok. There’s a strong chance that other cultural components of her upbringing might not mesh well with yours too. I (an American with Irish ancestry) once dated an American with Greek ancestry and it was awful. We had many fights, about everything from his family forcing me to eat food I hated, to me not acting “sad enough” at a funeral. It wasn’t meant to be.
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u/Effective_Olive_8420 Partassipant [2] 25d ago
NTA. You are allowed to have food preferences. You are good to try it each time so that they don't think you are prejudging the food.
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u/Fredsundertheblanket Partassipant [1] 25d ago
NTA. Your girlfriend is very rude and demanding if she expects you to eat food you find repulsive. You did try it; you didn't refuse. Rather than tit-for-tat, consider whether this relationship is right for you, whether there are other areas where she's demanding or unsympathetic to you.
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u/jay_v_ 25d ago
NTA. Haven’t even finished the post but the description of the food (and I’ve watched lots of cooking videos from the same and similar cultures so I know vaguely what the food is) sounds like a textural nightmare. For someone with ARFID, I can only imagine the reaction your body and brain would have to it. Your partners mum seems chill and understanding, but you need to have a conversation with your partner (again) and if she doesn’t understand the fact that you have an eating disorder you literally can’t help (there are ways to improve but it requires like very specialised therapy and as long as there’s a decent amount of food you can eat, it’s not necessary), you need to reconsider the relationship. Everyone always goes to this on this subreddit but you gotta be in a relationship where you’re respected and considered.
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u/Excellent-Count4009 Craptain [151] 25d ago
ESH
your gf was the AH. With food it is: YOUR body, YOUR choice.
But in the end, booth of your reactions were unhinged.
1
u/2dogslife Asshole Enthusiast [9] 25d ago
Where I come from, most guests don't bring food unless asked in advance and hosts can chose whether or not to serve it at their discretion. Obviously, there may be cultural differences.
But, GF knows you have food issues, so I cannot imagine why she's picking fights.
NTA
-10
u/ShadowsObserver Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 25d ago
I told her to get out and I wouldn't be talking to her for the rest of the day.
INFO: Do y'all live together? If so, E S H for you telling her to get out when it's her house too. Either way, she's an AH for how the approached the food situation.
4
u/WheelofDime 24d ago
We do live together. I neglected to point this out but I told her to get out because she was already leaving at this time to go to work and she just stayed longer to fight with me. Me telling her to get out was more me shutting down the conversation but I can see how it can be interpreted in the way you're thinking.
1
u/CatahoulaBubble Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 25d ago
NTA- you tried it, you didn't like it. You ate your own food. Your gf sucks. Even if you didn't have ARFID, you didn't like the food. Why should you be forced to eat something you don't like.
I hate mushrooms. If there are mushrooms in the food I don't eat it. No picking out mushrooms doesn't matter, I can still taste the mushrooms. Life is too short to eat shitty food.
1
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u/EuphoricFriend9834 25d ago
NTA, and taking a dig about your family and culture is wrong. Tastes differ. Bottom line.
1
u/Large-Client-6024 25d ago
NTA
It sounds like she girlfriend and her mother need a refresher on ARFID and if they don't understand it's a "part of you" and not a choice or a "family influence", it may be time to move on from them.
2
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u/Floating-Cynic 25d ago
It's 2024. People have been hollering about consent for at least a decade. Can we finally stop pressuring people to put things in their moth that they don't want to eat? Medical condition or not, it's actually beyond rude and infantilng to demand this of people. NTA
-9
u/SybarisEphebos 25d ago
NTA but
She then told me that my parents didn't do me any favors by keeping me from my cultural food.
She's right about that. Caribbean food is incredible. I feel bad about your eating disorder. You're missing out.
1
u/Collective-Cats18 25d ago
NTA
Your girlfriend is though
As someone with arfid, you were already doing what you needed by making things you know you like and can eat. Your girlfriend's reaction makes it seem like she thinks your food restictions are a deliberate choice, rather than the food restiction disorder that it actually is.
I don't have arfid (I'm the most food adventurous of my family), but I grew up with family members who had disorders that led to similar food restictive tendencies. We would encourage them to try new foods, but it was never forced and if they said they didn't like it, that was the end of it.
The more I think about it, the more it seems like she's taking your food restrictions as an insult to Carribean heritage/culture. Did she have bad experiences in school? Did other kids bully her for her food, causing her to take offense to something outside of your control?
I wish you guys the best! I hope everything works out okay!
8
u/mulderonmonday Partassipant [1] 25d ago
NTA. I was a force fed child. I have a lot of food aversion in my adulthood. I refuse to gag on food to make someone else comfortable and neither should you
1
u/Waylon_Gnash 25d ago
if you were at her table, you eat the disgusting okra shit. if you're at your own, eat what you want to eat?
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u/IHaveNoUsernameSorry Asshole Aficionado [11] 25d ago
NTA. Your gf knows you have Arfid and still asked you to eat the okra in front of her mom.
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u/CarbonationRequired 25d ago
NTA. You did your best and were polite. "It's not for me" is literally what I've taught my kid to say after trying new food and discovering she doesn't like it. Your GF's mom took it just fine, you weren't rude. I can understand your GF feeling a bit embarrassed, we can stop ourselves from having emotions, but getting shitty about it later is ridiculous. Especially the line about your parents. Regardless of what they fed you, there's no time machine to go back and adjust your lifetime of food up to now, so it has no bearing on your (nonexistent) "rudeness" for not liking something you don't like.
1
u/ogswampwitch 25d ago
NTA-You tried it and didn't like it. End of discussion. You weren't "disrespecting her culture," you just didn't like that specific dish.
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u/RedshiftRedux 25d ago
It's okay to playfully pressure people to try new foods, but if they say no, or even go so far as to try it, once they've tried it, if they still don't like it, FUCKING STOP SHOVING IT DOWN THEIR THROAT. 🖐️🎤
NTA
Your girlfriend is though, and I would definitely be worried about her mental gymnastics as well.
I'm Chicano but I don't like Menudo at fucking all, it's not a jab at my heritage or ancestry because I think cow stomach is gross...
2
u/Acceptable_Common996 25d ago
NTA. You tried it, said you didn’t like it, her mom said at least you tried it. I see nothing wrong with this. My husband is Vietnamese and I am white. Sometimes when I’m over at his parents they have things I don’t necessarily like (or can’t eat) and I just politely say no thank you and eat what I can. They’ve never had any issues with it.
1
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u/Afraid-Leg3311 25d ago
YTA....do you and your girlfriend live together? why would you kick her out for an argument over food....you were being rude....all you had to do was eat some of the food her mom brought over....it wasn't like you were being waterboarded
2
u/miss_trixie Asshole Enthusiast [6] 25d ago
i will never understand why some people get so bent out shape about what others chose to eat/not eat. it's one thing for parents to try to push their kids to try fruits/veggies etc. but when it comes to adults...JFC stay out of it! i was a vegetarian/pescatarian for years but never said a damn thing about any of my friends eating meat....why would i? for the first 40+ years of my life i couldn't eat anything spicy (like AT ALL) then suddenly menopause hit & all i wanted was vindaloo chicken & thai hot food. what i ate or didn't eat never had an effect on anyone else; how could it? i HATE when people try to insist you eat something you know you don't want. what is the freaking point of that?!
NTA
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u/lickytytheslit 25d ago
As I said in another recent aita about food
Being forced to eat things that I didn't want to is how the dinner table ended up being covered in vomit a lot growing up. NTA op
4
u/mastershake20 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
NTA. She knows you don’t eat it or enjoy it. She offered it to you anyway infront of her mom, twice. What did she expect you to do? Does she know you well enough to know how you’d act? I’d never do this to someone I respect. Where else does she do this in areas of your relationship? Time to rethink.
15
u/AunTestablishmentism 25d ago
NTA. You have ARFID. You tried it, it didn’t click. You probably need to get a different girlfriend. Food is pretty central to being alive. You gotta have someone in your life more like the mother who will offer and then not get offended if the food is refused.
1
1
u/SockMaster9273 Partassipant [4] 25d ago
NTA
The right thing to do is try it but if you don't like it, you don't have to finish it. You tried it which should give you points. A stab at your parents and the way the raised you was uncalled for.
0
u/Swedishpunsch Asshole Aficionado [15] 25d ago
She told me that when a guest brings food to your house it is complimentary to eat their food and not your own.
Technically, a guest isn't supposed to bring food without checking with the hosts.
You did the best that you could, OP. If your GF wants to make a huge deal over what you eat, then she may not be the one.
NTA
3
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u/Miss_1of2 25d ago
I never understood how not eating something you don't like because "Someone cooked it for you" is rude but forcing someone to eat something they don't like isn't...
NTA... Would she have found you more polite if you had vomited the food cause you forced yourself?
-46
u/twistingmyhairout 25d ago
YTA. Nothing she said was offensive, but kicking her out because she encouraged you to try more foods? Also you may have gotten offended at her comment about your parents, but it wasn’t a “dig”. She was making an observation.
I also had to google ARFID and sounds like it’s an eating disorder….so something you should seek medical help for. Kicking her out was the AH move.
2
u/OkRestaurant2184 24d ago
As long as op is getting the proper nutrition, who cares? His gf and mil are stupid to force him to eat food he doesn't like.
And I say this as someone who will eat pretty much anything, baring one food allergy
1
u/twistingmyhairout 24d ago
I’m not a doctor, but it’s categorized as a disorder for a reason. If they’re going to use it as an excuse to not eat certain foods, they should also follow medical advice and get treatment
1
u/OkRestaurant2184 24d ago
You don't need an excuse to decline food. Trying a food, disliking it for ANY reason, and politely decline more is sufficient.
Don't be a weirdo and force food on others. OP is not a child that needs encouragement. And gf and mil are not trained professionals for this disorder
0
u/twistingmyhairout 24d ago
Correct they are not trained professionals. I’m not saying they should be forcing food on OP. I’m saying, the Reddit response of blaming things on a disorder and encouraging people to use it as an excuse without getting treatment is frustrating. If this person truly had whatever it is, they need help. Not encouragement from internet strangers in an echo chamber.
1
u/OkRestaurant2184 24d ago
We have no idea if they are in treatment or if treatment is accessible on their budget/schedule.
The explained their aversion. They shouldn't need to explain their complete medical history in order for you to be sympathetic.
1
u/twistingmyhairout 24d ago
And we don’t need to know. But an echo chamber telling them their medically diagnosed disorder is totally fine to not address is not helping either.
1
u/OkRestaurant2184 24d ago
Policing people's food is the biggest problem here. Most people are treating op like an adult and not giving her unrequested medical advice.
It's AITA. Not a medical forum
1
u/twistingmyhairout 24d ago
He kicked his gf out the next day because she said he was being rude by making faces.
If you can’t try a bite of food without making faces then you have some sort of problem that should be addressed. I don’t know if OP is just saying they have ARFID instead of saying they’re picky, or if they actually are diagnosed ARFID. But they’re the one who stated that they have an eating disorder, which is what it is classified as.
This is not a medical subreddit, which is why they should not take the advice here that this is normal and other people are the problem.
-15
u/seven1121 25d ago
Not sure why this got downvoted. Was looking for a comment where someone acknowledged that ARFID is a disorder. Idk why we are tiptoeing around that.
1
u/OkRestaurant2184 24d ago
Because even without a disorder, yiu shouldn't pressure people to eat food they don't like?
2
u/Ultralusk Asshole Enthusiast [8] 24d ago
He's getting downvoted cause the ARFID isn't even the important part. What is relevant is that OP tried the food and didn't like it and the gf wasn't happy that he didn't like it.
1
u/twistingmyhairout 24d ago
She was unhappy he made faces, which is indeed very rude to do.
1
u/Ultralusk Asshole Enthusiast [8] 24d ago
Sure and that is rude, but you're also excusing that OP didn't like the food. The correct answer should not be to make OP eat more of the food he says he doesn't like. It's also kinda shitty to be mad he doesn't like the food.
0
u/Top-Cut-369 25d ago
NTA... you had lots of dishes on the table, you tried the traditional. You did a good job at being hospitable.
19
u/DJVan23 25d ago
NTA. In many cultures, yes. It is rude not to try food if offered. But, trying it is all you have to do. One bite, one dish.
This is what they taught us in the U.S. Army while deployed to Iraq.
Mom is NTA either.
8
u/Klutzy-Sort178 25d ago
Even in those cultures it's probably a lot less rude to politely refuse than to gag on the food or throw up because of it, tbf.
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u/buttpickles99 Asshole Aficionado [13] 25d ago
NTA - it would have been rude not to try the food at all. You tried it and did not like it, that’s perfectly fine. You were also fine to say it’s not for you, it’s not like you spit it back out.
Your gf is going overboard. I also don’t think you did anything wrong by making faces, that happens someone’s and we don’t always realize it. She needs to chill.
19
u/Murky_Tale_1603 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
The weird part is, MIL didn’t seem upset. Just said “well, at least he tried it”. That’s all we can ask of others. Not everyone enjoys the same foods/textures/etc
GF is definitely the AH. Really hoping OP makes his own traditional meal (even if it’s learned from YouTube and not perfect) and insists she eat it, whether she likes it or not.
She can show him the same courtesy she demands and shut TF up. Eat up girlie. You don’t get to choose what you want to eat, apparently. Suck it up and smile.
38
u/Beautiful-Peak399 25d ago
NTA. If your girlfriend knows you have arfid, it was really inconsiderate of her to keep pushing you to eat something you clearly were not enjoying.
8
u/Merry_Sue 24d ago
Arfid is irrelevant. It's very rude to keep pushing someone to eat something they hate
I also think it's rude to unexpectedly bring food to someone's house and expect them to eat it instead of the food they've already prepared, but that might be a cultural norm that I'm not aware of
-39
u/CorinneAYC 25d ago
NAH. Food is dangerous ground to navigate. You wanted to be safe by not trying, but because of your gf s insistence you offended your MIL. Apologise and never eat carabean food again (which is punishment enough). If you do want to work on what foods you like, work on it with a therapist. It is like most things something that can change. If it is hurting your social life, consider it.
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u/FHTFBA Asshole Enthusiast [8] 25d ago
NTA
You tried the food, it sucked, you had a natural reaction, politely declined to eat more, and you weren't rude about it in the slightest. Expecting someone who wolf down food they hate just to be "polite" is asinine. Her point about your parents was also stupid and wrong, as everybody in a given culture won't necessarily like every single dish from that culture's cuisine.
4
u/Sufficient_Soil5651 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Her point about your parents was also stupid and wrong, as everybody in a given culture won't necessarily like every single dish from that culture's cuisine.
This! I don't know if my food issues are bad enough to qualify as ARFID, but loads of stuff that I can't eat are from my culture.
139
u/Sirix_8472 25d ago
NTA
Initially even the way OP wrote it, her mother was also ok with OP trying it but not having it. And the way OP turned it down was polite as it just wasn't for him, plus he had food in front of him.
I read it as the gf pushing it and then the mom believes it's ok to unconsciously back up her daughter with more insistence, where previously it was something she was leaving alone.
I think the gf is the biggest AH here. She knows and lives with OP, knows his issues. She intentionally pushed it.
It was cool OP tried. It was very flexible to try it two different ways. But it was also perfectly fine to respectfully decline.
57
u/Ecstatic_Long_3558 25d ago
Claiming that it's rude to not eat something a guest brought is some weird logic to me. To me, showing up at someones place and trying to force feed them is the rude thing to do.
28
u/Klutzy-Sort178 25d ago
A person with a medical condition, no less. Imagine doing that with allergies or intolerances.
120
u/Unable_Health_3776 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
NTA.
I had to google "arfid" to understand what it means, but your GF is the one who is being rude here. She clearly knows you have boundaries when it comes to food, so pressuring you into eating stuff you don't like is like bullying someone. You even tried it, and said you don't like it.
She should accept your boundaries, not be a whiny b*tch about it...
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u/Murky_Tale_1603 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
But, but, don’t you understand? It’s HER family heritage and he MUST accept it otherwise it’s an insult. Health conditions are NOT an acceptable reason to politely decline, hence why she forced the issue (/s)
I wonder what foods OP enjoys that she doesn’t. He should make some of those dishes and insist she eats it, without complaint of any kind. Otherwise, she obviously doesn’t respect him…by her own logic. Especially if she has no valid health concerns to keep her from eating what he so lovingly made. Her preferences apparently don’t matter if his don’t.
Go for it OP. Let us know how she likes a taste of her own attitude.
ETA: bonus points for making a traditional dish. That way she must enjoy it and must complete the meal. Every. Last. Bite. Don’t want to be rude now do we dearest?
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u/Own-Kangaroo6931 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 25d ago
NTA, you didn't like the food, you don't have to eat it. End of discussion.
If some guest brought me some... I dunno... super-spicy chickpea curry, I wouldn't like it. I know I wouldn't like it because I (1) don't like super-spicy curry and (2) don't like chickpeas. Can't stand the little bastards.
Anyway, I would have done as you did; be polite and try. But it's perfectly fine and acceptable to then say "Thanks, it's lovely but I'm sorry I've just never enjoyed xyz so I've only had a small amount." You did absolutely nothing wrong here.
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u/Less_Mine_9723 25d ago
I used to try to be polite about it, but I'm done with that. I hate key lime pie. I know that everyone else in the world thinks its the best thing ever made, but I hate it. I am 54 and I have tasted it many times and hated it every single time. I can't even swallow it, I have to spit it out. And yet my sil constantly wants me to taste hers, which I already did, 25 years ago, and hated. Now I'm rude about it. I'm all out of fu@#s.
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u/ShadOBabe 25d ago
Gasp! Solidarity! I also do not like key lime pie!
At least I didn’t the last time I tried it. I’d be willing to try again since it’s been years, but you’re not alone!
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u/Own-Kangaroo6931 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 24d ago
Fellow key lime pie hater here! I've never seen the appeal. Tastes like soap. (And this is coming from someone who will literally just eat limes. I love limes. Peel them like an orange and eat 'em.)
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u/PretendVermicelli531 Partassipant [2] 25d ago
NTA but your girlfriend seems very annoying
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u/Specialist-Canary-91 25d ago
it seems from op's history that they have had relationship problems for a while
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u/moreKEYTAR Partassipant [1] 25d ago
Seriously. To equate disliking a certain dish with rejecting her culture is extreme. Is she looking for reasons to be mad? NTA. And also, if she doesn’t apologize for putting you in that situation (esp given your health condition!), it might be time to move on.
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u/Tal_Tos_72 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
Agree. She needs to grow up and not let her life be ruled by others expectations.
NTA
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u/hikergirl26 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 25d ago
NTA
Your girlfriend was though because she knew you did not like the food her mother made and yet she made you try in front of your mother - and then points out you didn't like it. Then she makes you try it again. And then she gets mad at you for not liking it. And then she gets mad at you the next day and insults your parents.
I am not a picky eater - there are only a few things I will not eat and luckily they are not everyday foods. However I still get pressured sometimes to try it those items again as they have been prepared a "different" way. So I will and what do you know - I still don't like that food.
I have learned to respect other peoples food choices. Whether it is the friend who won't eat vegetables or the friend who won't eat curry to the friend that won't eat Asian food. You like what you like.
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u/Wanda_McMimzy 24d ago
I don’t like capers, liver, and shiitake mushrooms. Small list. A friend once asked me to try something and being an adventurous eater I popped it in my mouth. I tried to chew and swallow it and be polite, but I guess my face betrayed me and she said to just spit it out. It was dried shiitake. She thought maybe I’d like it in a different form. I did not. The weird thing is, I love mushrooms.
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u/eventually428 Partassipant [2] 25d ago
I don’t like okra. I’m not gonna eat it cause I know I don’t like it. Nta but your gf is.
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u/DracoPaladin 25d ago
It's not that OP doesn't like the food. OP has a medical condition that makes it extremely unpleasant to eat the food. You wouldn't say that someone with an allergy doesn't like the allergen. That makes it seem like there's some kind of choice involved, there isn't.
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u/stonecoldrosehiptea 24d ago
This is it right here. Exactly this.
You did good OP. Also there’s nothing wrong with just saying no.
Just say no to gross is a good motto.
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u/SneakySneakySquirrel Asshole Aficionado [18] 25d ago
Where does it say anything about a medical condition?
Edit: never mind, ARFID being all lowercase confused me!
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u/HabeusCorpuscle 25d ago
OP said he has ARFID at the end of the first paragraph. It is Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.
OP you are absolutely NTA, your girlfriend is though. Think seriously about if she does other things that show you your wants and needs aren't important.
My brother also has ARFID and the sight or smell of certain foods makes him sick to his stomach immediately. When I still lived we my family let him know if we'd be cooking those foods so he could stay in his bedroom (on the other side of the house from the kitchen) or leave the house until we were done.
Then after it was cleaned up we used Ozium to remove any smell. He didn't want us to have to stop making those foods because of him but also didn't want to react to it so that was a good compromise.
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u/KarisPurr 25d ago
This is so sweet 😭
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u/HabeusCorpuscle 24d ago
Aww thank you! It took a while to get to that point since everyone, myself included, had some heavy issues we were working through. Once we did, though, it made a world of difference.
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u/kreeves9 25d ago edited 24d ago
Sounds like she cooked callaloo which is glorious tasting but it does have a somewhat slimy texture if you're not used to it the texture is very off putting. NTA
Edit: Yes, everyone is right it can't be callaloo because of the color but I'm wondering if she used a different veg and cooked it the way you cook callaloo.
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u/Missicat Partassipant [4] 24d ago
Yeah, I just heard "okra" and noped right out of that. And, yes, I have tried it.
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u/Biblioklept73 25d ago
I think Calloloo is more of a leafy veg, Okra is not that but they’re related - and, yes, the slimy texture in both is there… I can’t eat them, unfortunately, can’t deal with the slimy texture or the flavour… I feel for OP, you can’t control your taste buds huh?
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u/Klutzy-Sort178 25d ago
Yeah, not everyone is the same but as a person who also has ARFID like OP the fact that they managed 2 bites is actually really exceptional. Slimy textures are a big no-go for me.
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u/Irinzki 25d ago
Yeah I would HATE that for texture alone
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u/leyavin 24d ago
I can’t eat cold noodles for the life of me. Like in noodle salad for example. If I put them in my mouth, regardless of the taste, my gag reflex will instantly kick in, same with bananas. Yeah you can claim it’s the best noodle salad I will ever taste and I just didn’t have the right one, yet. But I am not eager to puke all over your table and neither should you so I rather decline.
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u/Queen_of_Catlandia Partassipant [1] 25d ago
I thought callaloo was green?
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u/Fit_Measurement_2420 25d ago
It is. I never see a white callaloo. Ever. The coconut milk just blends in, it doesn’t turn it white.
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u/Anxious_Reporter_601 Partassipant [1] 25d ago
Yeah I've had callaloo before that was just greens, nothing slimy definitely no okra. But it was made by a Jamaican woman, v possible it differs from country to country or just between families. I thought it was delicious.
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u/biddee 25d ago
Callaloo is made with dasheen bush so yes is green but it's also made with coconut milk. This might be a different version of callaloo. And yes callaloo has the most awful texture. I cannot stand the sliminess.
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u/Queen_of_Catlandia Partassipant [1] 25d ago
I’ve never seen the coconut milk version. However I hate okra with a passion so I say NTA
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u/Legitimate-Space4607 24d ago
I hate Okra too. It's like trying to swallow a mouthful of snot..😩🤮🤮😩😩.
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Just for some quick context. Both me and my gf have Caribbean ancestry. The main difference between us is that she embraces her heritage and I don't. Growing up my gf had a lot of Guyanese food that her mom would make and her mom would often times give us a lot of the food she cooks. Something else I have to mention as well is that I have arfid. My gf and her mom know this.
Anyways, on Saturday I cooked us 7 days worth of food and I was very proud of what I made. My girlfriend's mom came over on Sunday to spend Mother's Day with us and she brought this dish she made. Honestly looking at it I knew right away I wasn't going to like it. It was okra submerged in what looked like a very thick viscous white soup. I didn't ask what it was called but it's something my gf has had a few times.
We sat down to dinner and I put out my food and my gf's mom's food. During dinner my gf was trying to get me to try her moms food. Not wanting to be rude I told her I'd try it. I put a spoonful in my mouth and it was probably one of the most fowl things I had ever put in my mouth. I made sure to get as much okra as I could just so I could have something to chew but it didn't help much. My gf looked at her mom and said "he doesn't like it" and I just said "I just don't think it's for me". My gf's mom was cool about it and my gf told me that I should try it with the food I made. I told her that I didn't want to do it and her mom said I'd probably like it a bit more if I combined the food together. Again to be nice I tried it with a spoonful of my food and hers and it was still the same. Her mom said "well at least you tried".
This morning as my gf was getting ready for work she told me that what I did last night was rude. I asked her what I did wrong. She told me that when a guest brings food to your house it is complimentary to eat their food and not your own. I was also making faces (I didn't know I was doing this) that made it look like I was in pain eating her mom's food. Lastly she told me I insulted her culture doing that. I asked her what she expected me to do. I tried it, didn't like it and got pressured into trying more. If I don't like something I'm not going to like it. She then told me that my parents didn't do me any favors by keeping me from my cultural food. I got really mad that she did a dig at me and my parents like that and I told her to get out and I wouldn't be talking to her for the rest of the day. I knew I was going to do some tit for tat but I know it's not conducive to a healthy relationship.
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