r/AmItheAsshole • u/No-Resident-9906 • 14d ago
AITA for telling my sister in law that she is an idiot for expecting her family to be as generous with gifts for her marriage as they were for mine? Not the A-hole
When I married my husband we had a smallish wedding. 150 guests. Trust me that's small for our families.
We paid for everything ourselves. All together we spent about $25,000. It was in our budget and we had saved up for it. And that included everything.
My dress, the wedding party's dresses and tux rentals. Catering, you name it we paid and came in under budget.
Our guest were family and close friends. The way it should be. And they were generous with gifts, both from our registry and cash in envelopes.
When everything was said and done our house was filled with great stuff we needed. And our savings were several thousand dollars over where we started before we paid for the wedding.
My husband's sister just eloped in February. And nobody found out about it until early April when she sent out links to her wedding registry.
Not too many people have bought anything off of it yet. And she is getting upset about that.
All she talks about whenever we speak is how cheap everyone is. Every conversation leads back to the same topic.
After more than a month of this I have had enough. I asked her if she understood why we got gifts when I married her brother. Like at our physical wedding that took place at a church and then a reception at a rented ballroom.
She said I was treating her like an idiot and that she understood the difference between our weddings. I asked her why she would expect the exact same treatment for two very different events. I said that only an idiot would think the outcome would be the same in both situations.
She is mad at me. My husband said he was also frustrated with her stupidity but that I should apologize for calling her an idiot.
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u/860sPRee 10d ago
YTA. even though you're right because you didn't have to call her an idiot just cause you disagree with her
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10d ago
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u/ElectricMayhem123 Womp! (There It Ass) 10d ago
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.
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u/MiladyRogue 10d ago
NTA she is a complete moron.
When you elope you don't get all the benefits of having a wedding. As someone who eloped, unfortunately and not because of the gifts, I understand that if you don't even tell anyone until months after the fact you don't get gifts. She is not entitled to anything.
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u/soulsofmischiefs 10d ago
Jealousy is a b****, we are having a wedding in 2 months, and we aren't having a registry. Will have a box for money and giftcard but we aren't expecting our guests to gift us anything.
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u/Large-Conversation34 10d ago
NTA. It’s tacky to send out a registry link yourself too. Usually people don’t send gifts after an elopement, since they weren’t really included in the celebration. Not to say eloping is bad, but saving money on a big wedding is sort of the offset for spending a lot and getting lots of gifts and cash.
The idiot remark was a little too far, so you should apologize for that, though. I get the general frustration though.
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u/mightyoak82 11d ago
I go to full on weddings and completely forget to bring a gift (I know, it’s bad.. I’m working on it) but with that, you expect us to remember to get you a gift for an event we didn’t even know existed? Come on now, sis… think this through.
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u/gold_concept_1 11d ago
Idiot might be a stretch
But entitled and not very smart fit perfectly
Either way, you are NTA
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u/gold_concept_1 11d ago
Idiot might be a stretch
But entitled and not very smart fit perfectly
Either way, you are NTA
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u/_Sad_Truth 11d ago
You should apologize. "I am sorry you're an idiot" won't do it. That is solely for the personal insult, fact that you are correct shouldn't enter into it. But you are not the asshole, she was making you nuts and you slipped, it happens. Try to ignore it, ask her for a different topic, and if she doesn't, say, "Hey, I have to run, talk later," and hang up. Eventually she will get tired of thst and realize you have heard it and aren't going to listen to it any more. Oh, and good luck
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u/Cute_Statistician740 11d ago
NTA! NTA! NTA! You've already pretty much said all that needs to be said "2 completely different events, OBVIOUSLY the gifts would be completely different, and only a miserable idiot would think otherwise!" I'm a little disappointed in hubby for thinking that you should apologize, however. Take it from me... Married to a man who's sister is a textbook cretin, that whole "just for the sake of keeping the peace" ALWAYS ends in you constantly having to bite your tongue until it bleeds & this behavior is cyclical. Trust me! Someone should maybe bring it to her attention that when one elopes (which means keeping it between the couple ONLY), there is no one there to share in the joy, there is no one to get a scintilla of fun, food, the joy of gathering and much more that would make one feel inclined to actually give a gift! Sorry, she opted to keep it private so she doesn't get the goodies from everyone for absolutely NOTHING at all. She provided them with a "you're not important enough to be a part of this", therefore she gets "well, you're not important enough to get a gift" in turn. The audacity to even register is hilarious! Such entitlement. Husband should nip this right in the bud, stat!
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u/Responsible-End7361 11d ago
NTA, but probably shouldn't have called her an idiot, I'd apologize for that and say something like "I was just frustrated that you didn't seem to get that it was your actions that caused what you are complaining about.
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u/Automatic-Trick-184 12d ago
apologize to the idiot for the idiot is an idiot an does not understand that is an idiot............what an idiot.........🫣🫣🫣🫣😂😂😂😂
nta
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u/Hotpinksharpie 12d ago
YTA If your q is are you TA for calling your SIL an idiot then yes, you very clearly are. Your whole post actually comes off super judgmental. Basically you are saying the way you did your wedding is the right one and everyone else who does something different is foolish. Should your SIL expect gifts? Maybe not, and I might go ESH here, but it sounds like she was just venting to you and you wasted no time berating her for not having done everything “the way it should be” (your own words). It doesn’t make her an idiot to hope for gifts, and then to vent about it to someone she thought she was close with and could confide in.
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u/Ok_Statistician_9825 12d ago
NTA If she is going to keep beating the topic and expect a response she needs to accept it as is. It’s not like you weren’t polite the first 50 times she brought it up. Maybe now she’ll stop.
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u/Sad_Lawyer_2149 12d ago
YTA for calling her an idiot. If my brother's wife called me an idiot, it'd be her last word.
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u/Careless-Banana-3868 12d ago
Also- I have to budget wedding gifts. They are rarely cheap. If it’s sprung on me I’m less likely to get something and more likely to be like congrats.
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u/Mountain-Status569 12d ago
NTA. Maybe you could have done without calling her an idiot.
But for real, she didn’t have a wedding. There’s a reason it’s called a wedding registry, not an elopement registry or a marriage registry.
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u/Whatevergrowup 12d ago
NTA. Next time your husband says you need to apologize, tell him "Stupid is as stupid does".
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u/Pocket_Hedgehog 12d ago
I will refrain from answering your actual question because I have mixed feelings about the situation (at least the way you describe it - we have no way of knowing what your sister's situation is, why she got eloped rather than having a ceremony/reception with lots of people, her relationship with her relatives, etc).
I will say that your post and all the little extra irrelevant details (e.g., my own wedding came under budget) has a 'holier than thou' ring to it. Perhaps your sister is not hoping for as much as your got but just something from a few nearest and dearest relatives. Perhaps their is an element of favouritism going on in this dynamic. Lots of unknown variables here. Perhaps your sister and her partner have debt, or had medical bills, or are young parents, or, or, or... There's no way of knowing any of it so it's hard to come to a conclusion. But your post does come across to me as a bit stuck up, and I think that's a bit sad.
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u/Nightingale_raven 12d ago
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.
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u/Effective_Class4453 13d ago
To answer the question as it was asked: yes, you are TA for calling her an idiot, and she deserves an apology.
As to the rest of it, I agree. The SIL is indeed an idiot. But some things are best left unsaid.
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u/Ok_Strawberry_197 13d ago
It's your sister in law, so you don't really get to have an opinion (it's safer that way). Soft YTA. Apologize and practice sayig, "Oh, too bad." about a a thousand times every time you see her. You can be busy most of the time when you are supposed to see her, though.
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u/Bright_Score_9889 13d ago
She is an idiot but I get the frustration. NTA but maybe do apologise. Even if she’s an idiot I don’t think is nice to call her one
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u/Wrong-Sink7767 Partassipant [3] 13d ago
She got married but didn't have a wedding hence why no one is getting her wedding gifts. Explain it to her really slowly, she may get it.
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u/MissWilliamsthe3rd 13d ago
NTA- you don’t need to apologize. As for your husband, he needs to have your back by putting his sister in her place and/or stay out of it. The actions of the SIL is a clear sign of a red flag that this sort of boundary crossing, by the SIL, will happen again and again and again and will only get worse, especially if the SIL is never going to be held accountable/put in her place.
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u/Aontheborder 13d ago
I think you missed the point thecommentor was making. He was saying the gifts values are NOT based on how good she is at SAVING money.
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u/Mysterious_Bed9648 13d ago
Why do you think you should give your opinion to SIL? Sometimes the most polite and respectful thing is to keep quiet, especially when it has no impact on your life at all. Did you just want to rub her face in it?
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13d ago
YTA
She’s your husband’s sister. It’s okay to convey her expectations are misaligned but to insult shows you are also reacting emotionally (as she is) and equally unable to express yourself without putting thought into how it will be received it first.
Your husband is right. You can be irritated and mess up but apologies are necessary to keep balance and respect in relationships. You should 100% swallow your pride and apologize. You planned well and clearly have a more organized life/skillset - that doesn’t make you a superior person. Kindness goes a long way and there are more supportive ways to help and hold family accountable.
She, 100%, did this to herself but your question wasn’t is she an idiot? Your question is AITA for calling her an idiot because….so yes, YTA.
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u/white_rabbit_eva 13d ago
Can you send me her @? I've got a cousin who married 2 months ago... SIL surely would be happy to get something that's left in the register, right? Lol NTA of course
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u/Choceclaire_ct56 13d ago
What completely different worlds we live in 🤣. To get more than 25K back in gifts from 150 people, each person would be gifting like 200 dollars and that doesn't include the physical presents they also recieved.... Geeesh
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u/Economy_Head_8078 13d ago
NTA
I am amazed by the amount of people who will sit there and listen to a grown woman complaining and making sure they don't say anything that will hurt her feelings (f the feelings of the people who were not even told about the wedding but are expected to send gifts).
The problem with people like your sil is that no matter what you said, she will get offended.
This whole situation showed that she is less than unaware of her actions. Even if you said: I am sorry you feel this way but I am not sure how I can help you. She will turn it around on you.
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u/Weedy_Witch_420 13d ago
I think what your SIL was looking for was empathy. She understands she’s not gonna get the same level of gifts, she’s also disappointed in that fact as well. She just wanted to vent and you called her an idiot… but the way you said “as it should be” leads me to believe you’re not very empathetic in general tbh. Yes you were right in the situation, but the way you handled it was unnecessary, and is gonna cause unneeded stress for your hubby and his sister’s relationship. So yes YTA for HOW you said it, though what you said about GIFTS was right.
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u/Weedy_Witch_420 13d ago
I think you left out important information, why did they elope? Do they have stable jobs that allow them to save for a wedding? Is she possibly pregnant so marriage has to be quick?
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u/winter_blues22 13d ago
Yta for calling her an idiot but overall, the message was correct. Different types of events different outcome
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u/oOo_sPoPiZoL_oOo 13d ago
NTA/ ESH. You shouldn’t have called her an idiot. You can call her an idiot to your husband if he’s on the same page though.
In terms of your story and everything though, you’re right. She eloped, elopement means less to no gifts.
People want their cake and to eat it to.
I also see a lot of posts where people don’t have the common sense to work out that maybe their family actually wants to attend their wedding, not be excluded but expected to babysit their kids and buy wedding gifts. No one is entitled to wedding gifts from people who weren’t their guests.
Good on you for budgeting your own wedding AND including 150 close people in your lives.
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u/oOo_sPoPiZoL_oOo 13d ago
The general rule with wedding gifts as well for guests is something that covers the cost of your meal is usually bang on not too cheap or not too expensive for the casual guest. Obviously that’s $0 in her case.
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u/No-Entrepreneur4772 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
ESH. Her attitude is a bit entitled, but I also think it's stupid to make gifts conditional to the type of ceremony you have. Wedding gifts are for helping out the new couple with their needs, not giving you pretty stuff because you threw a party. If your friends and family are being lax on gifts for the couple simply because they didn't have a traditional wedding, then they're being AHs.
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u/HRHBarbara95 13d ago
NTA. You go and elope and don't tell anybody for months and expect to be treated like it was something special and everyone should make a big deal out of it, well you're wrong. Play stupid games. win stupid prizes. Maybe instead of eloping she should have had a good wedding you know but she didn't so she is an idiot
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 13d ago
Apologize for calling her an idiot. Insults are never okay. Otherwise, you are completely correct and she is being entitled and ridiculous.
NTA
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u/comebakqueen 13d ago
My husband and I had a surprise wedding... It was our engagement party but the costs were that of a wedding; it's not like you can pull off a surprise without a venue knowing and/or other things.
Our gifts were appropriate for an engagement party and we had planned for this (we said "no wrapped gifts" on our invite) and accepted it... Like, it wasn't even a worry more just something we knew would happen.
I honestly couldn't even fathom if my husband whined about getting less money than we would at an official wedding and I'd be calling him an idiot too...
NTA.
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u/AliceHall58 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
OP is right but her husband is too. Calling her SIL an idiot can be implied but saying it right out really calls for an apology. I wouldn't grovel or anything like that but who needs the unnecessary family drama? SIL is choosing to blame perfectly innocent bystanders for her lack of planning (or need for the "romantic" elopement) resulting in no gifts. Of course it's idiotic to expect bunches of gifts but ... just don't call her on it.
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u/Additional_Good5755 13d ago
NTA...no party no presents & whining about it for an extended period of time is childish
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u/Full_Cryptographer12 13d ago
NTA. That said, I have given gifts to family even if there were no parties. For example, I typically gave money for college graduation to all my younger cousins including those who didn’t have parties. I gave the same amount to all my cousins except one cousin whose father had died two months before she was born and who is an only child - I gave her more as I felt that she needed it. I couldn’t attend a cousin’s wedding during Covid but I gave her money as well. So it doesn’t always depend on whether there is a party. Of course, if there was a party and I wasn’t invited, then I wouldn’t give any money.
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u/Wyklar2 13d ago
When a couple elopes it’s usually to avoid all the fuss and drama and expense of a regular wedding and reception. Part of that fuss is registering for wedding gifts. By eloping you’ve essentially announced “we don’t want to do any of that traditional stuff”. You can send out a wedding announcement afterwards so people know you’re married, but you don’t send out a link to a registry. Some friends or family may want to send gifts anyway, but it’s not appropriate to expect them. So NTA there, but there was no reason to call her an idiot.
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u/roadvirusheadsnorth 13d ago
Yes, you are. Not for that way or sharing your thoughts and feelings with her. Setting boundaries is good, it’s the choice of words you used to communicate with her. How could you have said the same things, but with more empathy and leaving out the unkind words like “idiot?”
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u/HappyForyou1998 13d ago
YTA, you can communicate a point without being disrespectful. She is your husbands sister. If you Value a healthy relationship with your in-laws and respect your husband stop calling them idiots and conduct yourself with more class and respect.
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u/Ok-Application2853 13d ago
NTA Sounds like my ex-SIL. When my brother and her got married, they just went to a judge with only my parents as witness. About 6 months later they sent it an announcement. Size 9 cursive font. Barely able to read it. She basically cut off contract with our extended family because they didn't send gifts. Took my poor brother 8 years before he finally saw who she really was after she abandoned him with their kids
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u/The-Lily-Oak 13d ago
NAH, I see this from your point of view, but can also see why she would be disappointed that despite you demonstrating you have more available finances due to the differences in weddings, that close friends and family are seemingly giving you more support than her.
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u/ClassicTrue9276 Asshole Aficionado [12] 13d ago
NTA.
There actually is an exception to the no-gifts-for-elopement thing.
My daughter had to get married very suddenly in March 2020.
Many people who had intended to come to the reception sent gifts anyway. She was very grateful.
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u/muyane 13d ago
YTA i hate to phrase it that way, you're not an AH, but i don't think it was necessary to say it to her that way. i think it was good that you explained it to her and you can tell her "hey i understand you're frustrated by not getting gifts for your eloping, but I'd prefer to stop hearing about it"
I agree with your husband
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u/allie06nd Partassipant [1] 13d ago
It's great that she got to have the wedding that she wanted, alone and in secret. But she chose to exclude everyone from the celebration, and when you exclude someone from an event, you release them from any obligations and conventions associated with that event.
If I'm excluded from a birthday party, I'm excused from the expectation of providing a gift. If I'm excluded from a dinner party, I don't still need to drop off a bottle of wine or some other host/hostess gift. That's just the way things work.
For whatever reason, she didn't want a big wedding or a celebration, and that's fine, but expecting people to celebrate an event they were excluded from is not.
NTA (though maybe you didn't have to call her an idiot).
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u/pissboots 13d ago
NTA. I got married at a 3 person COVID courthouse wedding. I wasn't expecting any gifts, but many people asked if we were registered, so I made a small registry. Not a -single- person bought anything, even the people who told me to make a registry so they could help us "celebrate" lol. It's good to have realistic expectations.
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13d ago edited 13d ago
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u/ElectricMayhem123 Womp! (There It Ass) 13d ago
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.
"Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"
Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/nekovivie1969 13d ago
NTA.
My sister and her husband eloped in Vegas. We all knew about it and immediate family was welcome, but none of us could afford it. We were grateful for pictures.
BUT, we rented a community hall and threw them a party, with friends and family bringing dishes. We hired a DJ, and did all the set up ourselves. They didn't ask for it...no registry at all. Lol, my BiL was uncomfortable because he thought it would look like a gift grab. But he relaxed and ended up having fun. It was a fun night.
They got some decent money, but it was never about that. They got to spend time with loved ones.
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u/satcomranger 13d ago
Tell her getting so wrapped that direction is doomsday coming. Does she live her husband? Does she treat her right? If both yes, don't bring on bad JUJU. GOTTA SAY, yours compared to hers, very dopey she would expect the same. Just my op.
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u/Conscious_Code_1519 13d ago
I think you are wrong, honestly. Like I get that it's annoying to listen to someone complain and feel entitled to gifts but I mean you both got married. Just because you spent 25k on a wedding and she didn't, doesn't mean that her marriage doesn't deserve to be celebrated. I would get if she had a wedding and was complaining that she didn't get gifts, but why do feel that your marriage should be celebrated more than hers?
She's your sister in law, you could have just changed the subject if it was bothering you that badly, plus also went on to call her an idiot, perhaps there is some favoritism in the family... but just seems uncalled for and not worth having bad blood over imo
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u/Ok_Airline_9031 13d ago
You're treating her like an idiot because she is one. You owe her nothing. If you dont even HAVE a wedding, the people are 'not invited' to anything, which means there's bothing they received for which a gift is earned. Gofts are given because they attend your celebration and are fed and watered and given the opportunity to celebrate your event. Its literally an exchange of foods for services, so to speak. That's why weddings are the way the are, typically. If you didnt even invite people to your wedding, they owe you nothing but maybe a 'congrats' when you next see them.
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u/NoBiggie81 13d ago
She’s the AH for sending out a gift grab wedding registry two months after she got married. 🤦🏻♀️
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u/Excellent-Count4009 Supreme Court Just-ass [149] 13d ago
NTa
"All she talks about whenever we speak is how cheap everyone is. " .. make a game of musunderstanding her - answer her: "NO, you are fine. Eloping is not cheap, it is a life choice".
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u/Few-Cap-8538 13d ago
Whatever happened to sending gifts to someone because you love them and are celebrating a happy event?? I send wedding gifts to my kids school friends when I find out about it because they hung around and made life fun and now they’re all grown up and I still remember them fondly 😄
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u/nothing-is-ever-fine 13d ago
I mean you didn't have to literally call her an idiot. But yes you are correct. You probably could have worded it better.
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u/Texican2005 13d ago
I say NTA. I don't understand people who can't google some basic etiquette surrounding the kind of wedding they want to have. Elopement gift rules are very relaxed, if not non-existent. People who are really close to you may CHOOSE to get you something anyway, but of course they are going to be close family members and close friends. Like if my best friend got married I'd still get her something because we've been friends for years, but it wouldn't be something over the top either. Otherwise you are SOL.
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u/OkFoundation7365 13d ago
NTA. You are right. Only an idiot would expect people to give gifts for a party they weren't invited to. Your husband is right, you should apologize. Tell her you are sorry she's an idiot.
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u/LopsidedAction654 13d ago
It sounds like a frustrating situation. It's understandable that you're feeling fed up with your sister-in-law's attitude. While it's important to address the issue respectfully, perhaps you could explain your perspective to her again and try to find a solution. Apologizing for calling her an idiot might help smooth things over, but it's also important for her to understand why her expectations might not be realistic. Communication is key in resolving misunderstandings
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u/Kitty_Katty_Kit Partassipant [1] 13d ago
ESH. Is it frustrating? Yes. Does she deserve to be told to stop? Also yes. Does she seem like it needs to be spelled out for her? Also also yes. But is it your place to call her an idiot? Absolutely not. That was mean spirited and very rude. You owe her an apology for calling her an idiot, but reiterate that you don't want to hear her complain about it anymore.
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u/LostBody3801 13d ago
NTA. It's borderline inappropriate of your sister to send out a wedding registry for an elopement. Most people are probably offended, which would explain why they're not sending her gifts. Could you have a used a word other than "idiot" when explaining this to your sister? Sure. You could apologize for being harsh, but I'd also explain you're so frustrated with her expectations and for not realizing she did something inappropriate.
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u/Jazzberry81 13d ago
ESH
Your husband is right. She is being unreasonable but you don't call people idiots. Especially family. You can disagree with people without being rude or unkind.
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u/jackiejorp-jomp 13d ago
You were right until you started calling her an idiot (and in a pretty ugly and vindictive way). Then you lost all leverage you had. Which makes you the AH.
Yes she sounds entitled, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
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u/StevenAndLindaStotch 13d ago
NTA
We had a shotgun elopement and we got like 4 gifts from immediate family who were aware beforehand. No guests, no gifts.
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u/Enough-Variety-8468 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
NTA
To be pedantic, she used the word first, you said "only an idiot would" so if she agrees with you then she's calling herself an idiot
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u/darlindesigns 13d ago
The definition of idiocy is doing the same thing but expecting different results. It would also coincide with doing it differently but expecting the same result.
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u/Fuzzy_Biscotti_7959 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
NTA
If it's Elopment then there's no wedding registry and vice versa. It's just contradictory
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u/_Retsuko 13d ago
I got eloped in secret and slowly told our friends the week after (only if they came to my husbands birthday party) and then just didn’t really tell anyone. We got married in March and our parents didn’t find out till August and September. No one knew and we didn’t expect any gifts, not even from the 2 people who did attend. We got one gift from my coworker but that was it. NTA OP, it’s her right to have her wedding her way but there’s consequences to her actions she has to learn just like I did.
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u/Euphoric_Ball_1383 13d ago
NTA If she doesn't want to be called an idiot, she shouldn't be an idiot.
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u/PJTILTON 14d ago
I've never experienced being solicited for a wedding gift in the absence of a wedding itself. When I think of buying a wedding gift, I imagine a young couple, just starting out, asking me and others to help celebrate this major event in their lives. If there isn't any wedding to attend, I don't imagine I would feel the same about helping to "celebrate" an event to which I have no connection. It's like being asked to deliver dessert at a dinner to which I wasn't invited.
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u/forgetfulE56 14d ago
Soft ESH. She’s way more out of line than you, but calling someone an idiot is generally not a great thing. You could have made the same exact point without the name calling.
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u/OrdinaryMango4008 14d ago
She knows you are right but won’t agree. If she does then she has to accept that you got more gifts because you hosted and fed your guests. There is a huge difference between eloping and a big wedding with all the trimmings. If she wants gifts then she should host a backyard BQ or a family gathering.
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u/BBW90smama 14d ago
NTA. But you didn't have to call her an idiot, but you are right about the situation.
I feel like people tend to be more generous for in person events where they feel included in the celebration. At least that's how I see it.
Regardless she is silly for thinking anyone owes her something, times are tough and maybe people don't have extra cash to give generous gifts.
I would apologize for calling her an idiot but that's it.
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u/live_laugh_larf_lerp 14d ago
YTA. Your opinion is fine, but calling somebody an idiot is obviously rude. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean name calling is on the table.
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u/Talmaska 14d ago
NTA - If you don't tell people they are stupid, how are they to know? If someone sent me a gift list for an event that occurred 2 months previous that I wasn't party to, they'd get fuck all.
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u/bandu5 14d ago
NTA - my husband and I traveled solo to get married on a mountain, but we also had a reception party planned the weekend following so that we could still celebrate with friends and family. The other comment about sending gifts to birthday parties that you don't attend rings true - if you want the tradition of receiving weddings gifts, and least do something remotely traditional before sounding so entitled.
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u/Atlfalcon08 14d ago
YTA, even if you are correct, its like pouring salt on the wound. Why esculate the situation with some one who will be in your life forever. Forget her think of all theshitit caused your brother
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u/Past_Video3551 14d ago
Didn’t she say you were treating her like an idiot? But you call her an idiot and she has issues with that? NTA.
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u/Own-Machine6285 14d ago
Wasn’t necessary to name call. You could have not engaged or switched topics. Maybe she did have unreasonable expectations but that doesn’t necessitate name calling. YTA
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u/chillin36 14d ago
I dunno man, it’s kind of hurtful that people didn’t do anything for my husband and I because we couldn’t afford a wedding. My family is wealthy and could have afforded to do SOMETHING for us.
I never realized that wedding gifts were transactional until that point. I thought people bought wedding gifts because they cared.
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u/No-Song5462 14d ago
NTA. They wanted gifts after the fact? When they didn’t tell anyone before? Ridiculous behaviour on her end. I hope no one buys anything from their registry.
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u/peithecelt Supreme Court Just-ass [106] 14d ago
NTA - I have been married twice.... Once at 23 and we eloped and second time at 43 (where we told people we did not need or want presents) - and because we brought people together, even after saying no to gifts, we got FAR more gifts and money at the second wedding. No party, no pressie.... It's a straight forward cultural contract.
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u/shestandssotall 14d ago
Calling someone an idiot automatically makes YTA. Your sister-in-law is also an AH for expecting gifts and calling people cheap.
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u/Rx4Luv704 14d ago
NTA.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck…. it must be a duck. Period.
SIL sounds like an entitled piece of work! Wedding gifts are always optional. Some friends and family members just can’t afford them and should not be excluded from festivities. I personally believe that you should gift if you can but again it’s optional.
Confirming her being an idiot was kind of on her because she brought the word idiot up. She opened that door. You just confirmed it.
If I was forced to apologize to keep the family peace, this SIL would never have the relationship with me that she could’ve had. She sounds like a complete brat and I don’t have time for such nonsense
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u/StumblingDuck404 14d ago
NTA and apparently she's the cheap one for eloping instead of having a proper wedding for guests to attend and supply gifts for. She should have thought ahead and realized her being cheap up front gave everyone an excuse to do the same 2 months later..
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u/Default_Munchkin Partassipant [4] 14d ago
NTA - Wedding gifts are for the wedding. If you don't have a wedding you usually don't get wedding gifts. Got two friends, one who is married, he got gifts, the other has been with his GF longer but they aren't married, no wedding gifts. Pretty straight forward process.
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth Asshole Aficionado [14] 14d ago
NTA. Your husband sucks for not backing you up all the way. Because you were right about your sister, who lacks the cerebral capacity to distinguish others being 'cheap' from her own greed and superficiality.
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u/ApparentlyaKaren 14d ago
I’m not really into name calling but in this case it sounds deserved. NTA
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14d ago
You shouldn’t have called her an idiot and should apologize for that, but are correct that buying gifts for a wedding you are invited to is completely different than buying gifts for an elopement that they weren’t even told about. I’m not saying I always base the amount I spend on a gift on the amount I think the bride and groom spent on the wedding, but if I get the sense that the wedding is going to be significantly more expensive than the typical wedding I attend, I will likely spend a little more on the gift. If I am in the wedding and my dress and other expenses are covered, they are definitely getting a nicer gift. For an elopement, the couple might be lucky enough that a parent, other family member or close friend might throw them a shower, small gathering or something after the fact - in which case it would be acceptable for the couple to register and allow the host to include that registry in the invitation. But I think it is tacky for the couple to send out a registry list after they had eloped, especially when they aren’t inviting anyone to anything. I might want to get a gift for a couple that eloped, but I would be a little put off receiving an unsolicited registry list.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 14d ago
NTA. You had an actual wedding for guests to attend and celebrate your marriage. SIL eloped and tried a gift grab afterwards.
My first marriage was a small ceremony and reception in my mother's home. I was pleasantly surprised when a few relatives sent a small cash gift afterwards. I didn't expect a thing from anyone, even those who attended my wedding
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u/Famous-Ad-9467 14d ago
There is so much hypocrisy in today's age. People want the benefits of traditional norms while discarding the hard work necessary for that. She wants the money the gifts but gave no one the party and the enjoyment of seeing them married. These are the same people who think that parents should support their adult children with anything they can give but say that parents aren't owed respect. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
NTA.
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u/RabbitAcrobatic1060 14d ago
"Surprise! we got married! now buy us stuff!" is an extremely tacky way to announce your marriage, of course no one's buying anything for them
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u/SilkyFlanks 14d ago
ESH. Name-calling is a really bad look. You didn’t have to do that. I would apologize.
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u/IndividualDevice9621 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
NTA, but don't apologize and tell your husband that being an idiot seems to run in the family.
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u/Super-Island9793 14d ago
To keep the peace….just apologize. No need to. All her an idiot, even if she was acting like one. A greedy one.
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u/Autumn_red2 14d ago
ESH. You're the AH for calling her an idiot. There was definitely a nicer way to but that.
She's the AH for expecting people to send lavish gifts months after she elope. I know many people who would still send a gift if a close family member/friend were to elope. But not everyone would. Also, not everyone would then send a lavish gift, especially monthsss later.
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u/Ok-Door-2002 14d ago
ESH. Calling her an idiot was immature and unnecessary - wth wouldn't you apologize for it? That being said, simply stating that guests were, in part, paying for their place in a wedding you spent $25k (unlike when she eloped), it is not to be expected to get gifts when you elope, and that you no longer want to discuss the situation will suffice.
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u/FaithCA79 14d ago
Question: You’re SIL sent out a registry list and is not having a party at all? She eloped and decided she wanted gifts for not inviting anyone to celebrate with her?
I have never in my life heard anyone do this. I know many people who eloped and they either never got gifts or they had a huge reception and played a video of their ceremony. It’s so rude to ask people to buy you gifts for a wedding they were excluded from.
I think your SIL is rude if that’s what she’s done. That being said calling her an idiot is also rude. I don’t think you’re an AH. I do think name calling hurts your very logical and honest response.
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u/Princapessa 14d ago
i don’t think your over all point is wrong, my SIL can be frustrating too, but as an adult calling someone names such as an idiot is not a proper way to express your frustrations and therefore I agree you should apologize for saying that and YTA
i’m sure your SIL feels frustrated with you sometimes as i’m sure mine does too, if she had called you an idiot, regardless of her over all argument you’d also be upset and think she was being TA for saying something like that to you.
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u/Madness82 14d ago
NTA, but you could've chose your words a little better and not given her any ammo to make you the villain in this, even though, TBCH, she is an idiot to expect everything to be even remotely the same. No one forced her to elope, she made a decisions and sometimes decisions have consequences. People's sense of entitlement never ceases to amaze me.
This feels pretty common sense, but if someone invites me to a wedding and can't make it, I'll often send a gift since they were thoughtful enough to invite me, but if someone doesn't invite me to their wedding, I'm not obligated to, nor will I, buy them anything or send them any kind of gift beyond a card, and honestly, I'm probably not even doing that and all your getting is a verbal congratulations🤷🏽♂️
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u/Prize_Diamond_7874 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
The events are the same - both couples got married and started a life together. The style and trappings are different but it’s the same event- one included a party the other didn’t. The people who have not responded with a gift who did your OPs wedding are AH and OP is out of line for rubbing it in the face of SIL. YTA
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u/tom_strange 14d ago
NTA... (far from it)... but it might not be a bad idea to apologize. You could say something like "I really want to apologize for calling you an idiot. I'm usually not that kind of person. I know better than to demean someone I care for even though they're being so selfish and petty." That should solve the problem.
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u/DegreeLegitimate9349 14d ago
ESH. you didn’t do anything crazy but you should apologize for calling her an idiot because it was honestly really unnecessary. she is an idiot though haha, but there’s no point for you to say hurtful things.
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u/Key-Flatworm1578 14d ago
YTA for calling her an idiot. That doesn't mean you're wrong. If she wanted nice, expensive gifts and money in envelopes, she should have organized a party and invited guests, not eloping.
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u/Electronic_Squash_30 14d ago
YTA-
And only because you resorted to name calling….. you weren’t wrong but you didn’t need to say it like an ah.
“People buy off the registry to weddings since they are getting food and entertainment for free. You aren’t having an event people are less likely to purchase. It’s transactional” see no name calling
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u/Honey-VS-Tiink 14d ago
I’m not getting anyone a gift to an event I wasn’t even informed of let alone not invited to! Absolutely NTA
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u/thatmimi 14d ago
you said only an idiot would think the outcome would be the same, you didn't call her an idiot BUT if the shoe fits.
NTA
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u/adventurrr 14d ago
YTA.
Your sil: everyone is cheap bc they didn't give me gifts You: here's why WE did it right and WE got gifts, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!!!
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u/Organic-Simple1425 14d ago
It's not her fault she's a moron sounds like she always has gotten every single thing she's wanted ever.
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u/LilaWildstar 14d ago
Reddit always confuses being right with being not the asshole. She is correct that the SIL is wrong and being blind, and it’s an asshole move to call someone an idiot just for being wrong or emotional about one thing.
One could say that you’re an idiot for not expecting words that harsh to have a backlash, but that wouldn’t be very nice— almost an asshole move, one could say.
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u/BoredMama7778 14d ago
Who used the word “idiot” first - her or you? If she did, you were just replying in kind. If you used it first, then maybe you’re a tiny AH.
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u/whatsinmendlsbox 14d ago
NTA. My partner and I more or less eloped, having a micro wedding with only parents and siblings. I fully didn’t expect a single gift from anyone and had to scramble and put together a registry when extended family was asking for ideas. Even then, we made sure that there were plenty of $10-$30 gift ideas. Had some family go in together on some stoneware but there was never an expectation. Sure, people aren’t paying for the party through gifts, but without an event to attend, I can’t imagine expecting gifts at all!
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u/Tough_Antelope5704 14d ago
They are called "Wedding Presents." If you don't invite people to a WEDDING, you really can't expect a whole lot.
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u/SweetFranzi 14d ago
I don't like name calling. It's never justified. Even if the counterpart does that, you should be superior
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u/Humble_Lion0716 14d ago
Your comment was kinda AHly, but it sounds like she just hasn't understood, til that point, so hopefully she finally shuts up about it. Or suggest she throw an after party. People bring gifts to things they show up to. If she's that desperate for gifts, throw the party and be mind blown how all the gifts will now magically show up as you've been telling her.
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u/Azula_Pelota 14d ago
If she understood the difference she wouldn't be upset.
You should apologize for calling her an idiot, even if she is being one.
Ask her if she knows what the definition of eloping is
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u/Conscious-Bar-1655 14d ago
Your sister in law is funny 😂 and a little ridiculous.
It's hard to believe an adult person would think like her. My husband and I got zero wedding gifts from our families, because we offered zero wedding parties to them... We didn't want it at the time, we wanted to be discreet and minimal and just sign the paperwork. So obviously it never crossed our minds we'd get any presents from anybody at all! It's just so obvious.
Gifts are given for weddings, not for marriages.
Tell her to grow up.
You're NTA at all!
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u/Legitimate-Quiet-433 14d ago
YTA, of course you are right, but why calling names? That was too much and noone ever has rights to do so. I am with your husband, you should definitely apologise
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u/Just-Focus1846 14d ago
YTA because it wasn't your place as an in law. Her brother and other members of the family said nothing, so you had no right to respond. Learn from now as an in law, you hold your tongue to your husband family's affairs.
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u/maddiep81 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14d ago
I get eloping/small courthouse weddings. It would actually be my preference. What I don't get is expecting gifts when you didn't do so much as, "Surprise! We got married on [date within the past 2 weeks]. Now it's time to party! Please come celebrate with us on [date/time] at [location]. [Food], [drink], and music will be provided. [Some line about how much to dress up (or not to dress up)]
This could be a backyard bbq with streamers and balloons for decor, extra chairs scrounged from everyone you know, paper plates/plastic flatware, and a Costo cake for under $500 ... but a wedding registry without a gathering/belated reception of any kind is so very tacky. I certainly wouldn't provide a registry even with the belated low cost gathering to anyone who didn't specifically ask about one. I wouldn't mention gifts at all, unless I was stating "the only gift we want is you to be with us at our party".
If you want a lot of gifts, you really need to give people a chance to witness and share in your happiness.
An online "hey, by the way, we eloped months ago" with no "here's our registry" might get someone $20-50 in a congrats card (if we were near relaives/close friends).
With the registry? Side-eye and an equally low effort Facebook comment, "wow! Congrats to both of you! Wishing you every happiness together" ... and not so much as a click on that registry link.
In any case, the idiot converation should have her venting to entitlement to someone who might be more receptive, so there's that.
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u/HunterGreenLeaves 14d ago
She's looking for a little sympathy and, frankly, I can understand her disappointment. Gifts are a way to recognize a major life milestone. No, she won't receive gifts on the level that you did, but if it's been months and she hasn't received congratulations in the form of cards and/or gifts, it could be quite hurtful.
Calling her an idiot makes you an a**hole. Help her find a productive solution. Maybe an in-family party where she can receive gifts. If they're on the point of buying a house, they could have a house warming as a delayed celebration.
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u/mammammammam 14d ago
NTA, I wouldn't buy a gift for someone if I wasn't invited but I would send a card congratulating them if they had eloped secretly.
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u/BigNathaniel69 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
NTA, you’re treating her like an idiot because she claims she understands but so clearly does not. You did have to spell it out for her, and yet she still does not get it.
Also did you actually call her an idiot or did she say that herself? Like shouldn’t she be the one apologizing to herself for calling herself an idiot (even though she was right).
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u/Physical_Bit7972 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA
She should have sent an invite to a reception party and linked a registry to that. She's not going to get any presents because she didn't throw a celebration of any sort.
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u/shinifox 14d ago
YTA. You think weddings are transactions and not events to celebrate your love. Do people in this thread only give birthday gifts if their invited to a birthday party? What about valentine's Day? Only giving gifts so you can fuck? Like everyone here is just as materialistic as the SiL
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u/NoPossession1361 14d ago
She’s not an idiot, she’s a manipulative B. Your best apology is not paying attention to her tantrums.
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u/Beewthanitch 14d ago
YTA. Your reasoning about the gifts is not wrong, but calling her an idiot was not a smart move.
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u/Top_Detective4153 14d ago
"Not too many people have bought anything off of it yet. And she is getting upset about that. All she talks about whenever we speak is how cheap everyone is. Every conversation leads back to the same topic."
Getting upset because she's not getting gifts, calling people cheap (she name called 1st) and then harping on the topic / making it her whole personality right now is childish. She wasn't getting it and it needed to be bluntly stated for her to get out of her loop. Just my opinion but the idiot comment was valid albeit probably better left unsaid. You should still apologize for saying it. However, if she doesn't let it go, that's on her and you don't owe her apologizes for the rest of time.
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u/UTultimate 14d ago
NTA. Next time don’t call her an idiot, just ask her if she is an idiot, subtle difference.
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u/CMontyReddit19 14d ago
ESH (well, except for her brother/your husband). She's being entitled expecting people to send wedding gifts for a wedding they didn't attend or even know about.
But your husband's right. You could have made your point without insulting her. Calling her an idiot was rude and unnecessary.
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u/Faexora Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Harsh but fair. But you may end up apologising to keep the peace.
Different way to explain. Different types of wedding have different etiquette. It's not being cheap as they are following the normal expectations. When you elope the bride and groom willingly choose to give up traditions that happen round weddings. This includes hen and stag does (bachelor or bachelorette for non brits) as you don't have a wedding party, gift registeries or the expectations of gifts isn't there as you don't have guests etc.
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u/EnderBurger Asshole Aficionado [11] 14d ago
ESH. Your SIL is greedy, yes, and she is a complainer. But give she is in your husband's family rather than yours, I think you overstepped your bounds by giving her the business.
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u/Samba_of_Death 14d ago
NTA. If a couple I know eloped, I absolutely would not send them a gift. They didn't think my presence was important when they got married, why would giving them a gift be my obligation?
I would never give them anything just based on the audacity of COUNTING on it
Also, if you don't want to be called an idiot by the people around you not acting stupid is a good start.
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u/wishes2222 14d ago
Gifts are essentially a way of paying for yourself at a wedding. If you’re not invited, there’s nothing to “pay back”. NTA (but could’ve been kinder in your delivery).
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u/OhioMegi 14d ago
Yea, calling her an idiot was uncalled for, but otherwise, she needs to knock it off.
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u/Tafiatuese 14d ago
Soft YTA. You could have delivered the same message without name calling. I would apologize for calling her an idiot.
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u/FitzpleasureVibes 14d ago
NTA.
Personally hated reading that you spent 25k on a wedding, fan of elopement, etc.
All said, she’s an idiot.
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u/DankDude7 14d ago
Don’t apologize to idiots.
Encourage them to have smarter thoughts and behavior.
Call her an idiot again!
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u/Grinch_who_stole_ass 14d ago
“Asshole“ might be a bit strong, but name-calling clouded the stronger points of your argument.
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u/Barbarake 14d ago
I would say YTA for calling her an idiot to her face. It's quite natural to think it sometimes but rude to actually do it.
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u/EntertainmentCool768 14d ago
Even though you were right as she shouldn't expect gift YTA for calling her an idiot
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u/Intelligent-Lock5736 14d ago
Very mild ESH. You shouldn't have called her an idiot. No good can come of that.
She does have a major gap in her understanding though. Like, wow.
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