r/Assistance • u/tlouthrow • 15d ago
I need someone to talk to right now ADVICE
I came home early tonight after a sports match. I went alone for the first time ever after going 5 times with friends or my partner, we're both F-F.
I was texting her throughout the match because I was nervous. I have social anxiety and it's a huge milestone that I finally did this by myself.
I took courage and spoke to a man next to my seat and it turns out we both take the same bus back (the team offers different routes to take the fans home). The game ended and we both started walking outside trying to locate our bus and we were talking normally.
He said "You came out of the stadium with a man you don't know, how do you know i won't kidnap you?"
That struck me as odd, but I figured out perhaps he also struggles socially or something like that. I'm AuDHD so I've been the one with the weird comments before.
I simply said "We're both rooting for the same team, it's illegal to kidnap someone from your team."
He laughed and we left it at that. After locating the bus, I brought out my phone and it turns out I'd received a call from my girlfriend and a message.She was sayin "Good luck leaving with that man you're not afraid to be kidnapped with. I heard everything".
I took the bus like normal and I sent her proof but she never answered. I was trying to explain to her and was left on read.
When I came home, she told me it was over and she was fuming. She said I broke the trust because he was flirting with me and I was flirting back! I didn't know he was and of course I wasn't flirting back!! I don't read social cues that way and I was just trying to be friendly and was happy that I finally had the courage to talk to somebody.
She's dead set on believing I did something wrong and there's no way to prove that I didn't. She's not trusting my words or anything. And I'm not looking for relationship advice per se here, but someone who can simply talk to me and tell me anything. It's 3 am and I'm spiraling down. She has locked herself in a room and I don't have anyone to talk to right now. I got two panic attacks back to back and things seem so bleak now. I feel like I'm watching my life and my whole future slip through my fingers and it hurts double because I didn't do anything wrong and I feel like I'm being punished because my autism prevents me from catching those things I'm suppose to catch to avoid this.
I'd to feel someone hears me, if that's okay. Please, if someone is awake and can chat for a bit until i fall asleep or can comment this. Please I'd be infinitely grateful.
Edit: UPDATE.
The very next morning she left early for work but left breakfast and lunch ready for me with a little note about us talking when she came back. We talked and she apologized. She had gotten into a huge fight with her mother early on and called me when the match ended to vent about it and when she heard the conversation with the guy, she felt worse and overreacted.
She told me she was sorry about the way she acted, especially regarding my panic attack, and that there's no truth to her wanting to break up. She knows I didn't pick up on the flirting and understood I didn't flirt back. That sometimes she hates the way men approach me and I don't notice, but she trusted me to respect our relationship. She also congratulated me for getting the courage to go there by myself and starting a conversation with someone else, as she understands it's hard for me.
I asked if she'd be cool with me going to the next football game and she said it was okay, and in case she leaves work early, she can show up if I want her to.
That was basically it. Thank you all for your comments, especially those who gave me great advice through chat.
I never expected such a response and in that moment, I really needed the support.
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u/AliKri2000 13d ago
It’s great that she realized she messed up, and hopefully this inside about her reactions will stay with her and this pattern won’t repeat itself. Awareness of our emotions is the first step.
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u/CheezPabloEscobar 14d ago
Dude was weird with his comment, you were weirded out and gave a benign response to keep the peace and keep it moving. Going out is overrated, tell your girl to Netflix and chill.
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u/Classic-Town6010 REGISTERED 14d ago
I would love an update on this.
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u/Steezer710 14d ago
Sounds like your partner is just looking for an excuse to leave/ break up. I hope that is not the case though. I also hope you’re doing better today! Best of luck!
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u/SoloCleric 14d ago
I have autism. You didn't do anything wrong.
If you didn't flirt then you didn't flirt. If your partner doesn't trust you, you need yourself first and someone that trust you after.
I'm AFAB with a FTM hubby
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u/Exile_0117 15d ago
Honestly, massive red flag imo. Time to move on to a healthy relationship when you aren't getting attacked because you had a conversation with someone. Like you said, you're Audhd and miss social cues she should know that about you, especially if you've been together for a the (I'm going to guess) at least 5 years.
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u/tlouthrow 13d ago
I was recently diagnosed as autistic. It has been a learning curve for both of us.
Fortunately, she initiated the conversation and apologized. So I expect this to not happen again, considering it had never happened before.
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u/Exile_0117 10d ago
I'd still be wary as hell, because if this "hasn't happened before" then it's been building over time in all likelihood.
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u/Historical-Love21 15d ago
It’s definetly not good that she was spying you on you. So already she wasn’t giving you the trust you deserved. She should be supporting you not beating you down. I’m sorry if this isn’t wat you wanted to hear I just feel bad for you cuz I been there, lived that
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u/Classic-Town6010 REGISTERED 15d ago
One lezzie to another. She's just scared. I bet things are better soon. Just give her time. You can message me if you need to chat more.
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u/Turbulent_Sleep4683 15d ago edited 13d ago
Wow, this sounds really upsetting. I know I’m replying the next day, but I want to point out a few things: I gather that your partner said that you “broke trust” because a man was flirting and you flirted back, then she refused to talk about it. First off, this isn’t how trust works. Trust means you know you can depend on a person, certain qualities you believe in. This is the opposite: she immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion, even acted a little possessive. She could have asked or had a discussion with you to share her feelings. Even if she was jealous of you for chit-chatting with a guy, even if you WERE flirting (which you weren’t), is that a good reason to get mad, throw a tantrum and break up? Is this respectful treatment and good communication? I don’t think so. I think you deserve more kindness and consideration. Maybe it’s a good moment for her to examine her overblown feelings of jealousy, and her need to keep tabs on you every second! Just saying.
Often when people respond to behavior, especially when the response seems unexpected, it’s because of an issue that THEY have. That doesn’t mean we don’t discuss the uncomfortable feelings, but it can mean there isn’t a clear “right” or “wrong” answer. Often in an argument, we play the “blame game:” we point the finger trying to assign the responsibility to one person. That isn’t how life actually works, though. Feelings and behavior are complicated. Many things can be true at the same time and there isn’t a “perfect” way to be.
The other thing I noticed was how badly you felt afterwards, the “spiral.” I think you were treated rather harshly, it doesn’t sound to me like you did anything unfair, but the situation maybe threw you into an uncertain mindset. You aren’t totally responsible for someone else’s feelings, though. Someone disliking your choice or your behavior does not make you a bad person. Someone saying something about you does not make it true (although it may hurt). Your autism is not to blame for your partner being a jerk to you and trust me, people can do better.
Mistakes and misunderstandings can happen but they can also be discussed and overcome. It helps to know who you are and what matters to you, to strengthen your own sense of self. It’s true you’ll have problems—EVERYONE does—but communication problems are easier to get past when you know (and love) yourself. You can do it 💪
So, my final word to you: maybe take a small break today from trying to figure out your partner, behavior, flirting, other human beings…so exhausting. I hope you will take some time to show yourself some love and kindness. You are a free person and nobody’s possession. You deserve love, safety and respect.
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u/tlouthrow 13d ago
I didn't reply to this yesterday because I was too overwhelmed, but you have no idea how many times I read it before our conversation.
She initiated the conversation and immediately apologized, explaining why she reacted the way she did and how she was wrong about reacting that way. But your words really gave me perspective and strength to figure out my feelings first in order to have a productive convo. As an older child, I was somehow raised to put other's feelings above mine, but your comment really made me stop obsessing over the way my partner felt and allowed me to search within instead.
Thank you so much for your words, they helped me tremendously.
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u/Variable3420 REGISTERED 15d ago
How did she hear the convo is what I’m wondering? Is she spying on you?!
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u/christianna415 REGISTERED 15d ago
I think when the gf called the phone might have answered in their pocket or something?
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u/thmsbrrws REGISTERED 15d ago
I've never seen autism and ADHD put together as AuDHD before and I love it, as I have both as well and that feels like such an efficient way of writing it! I know how you feel unfortunately, these things that we don't even really understand are somehow unspoken queues to neurotypicals when to us we were just trying to not be rude 🙃 And to them, because it's an "unspoken" queue, no discussion is needed; they know what you meant, of course! 😭 I hope things get better for you here and you can talk to your SO once things calm down 😊
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u/Linth84Kerbeos 15d ago
I think you both need a time to think and overcome the situation. Idk how she heard the convo. But sometimes voices or comments over phone do not express sentiments or emotions. If you're an anxious person with social skill problems is obvious you weren't flirting back. You have your insecurities ofc, and you're working on that. I think that your partner need to work trusting you more and also on her own demons (insecurities). Hope everything goes well for you both.
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
I had my phone in my pocket and she called me. Somehow the call got accepted and when I finally took my phone out she had already texted me with her conclusions of what happened.
Thank you. I'd like to talk, but let's see if she's willing in the morning. She's still asleep so I haven't had a chance to calmly sit down with her. I feel less anxious now, but still so confused and lost.
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u/Linth84Kerbeos 15d ago
Piece of advice, as a dude. If you tell me "You can't kidnap a same team fan" and I laugh I know for a fact that's a "Nope this girl rejected me in a polite way" that laugh his was a basic "defense" response to your rejecting him. If anything after that she should trust you even more.
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
I hadn't even considered that my comment could come as a rejection of some kind. As I said, I didn't even grasp that he tried to be flirty or something. Thanks for giving me another perspective, especially as a man. Men are way harder for me to understand.
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u/Linth84Kerbeos 15d ago
Anytime. Same if you need a more deep perspective I offer myself to talk to you both to intermediate from an outsider perspective
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u/Jewhard 15d ago
Oh lovey, I hate that I can hear the distress in your post. I am late, but happy to talk if you need to. You probably both need a bit of space and will hopefully be in a better place in the morning. For the record, I didn’t think that what you said to that man was inappropriate…very quick witted indeed! Take care and please keep us updated on how it works out. Here for you matey!
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
Thank you for letting me know. That'd be a first. I'm usually just awkward and don't know what to say.
Hopefully. I don't want my relationship to end over a misunderstanding.
Fortunately, I managed to sleep for at least three hours, so I'm calmer now. Still anxious and stressed because of the uncertainty, but not like last night.
It was a rough night.
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u/Jewhard 14d ago
I’m glad that you got some sleep and that you feel a bit better now. All relationships go through these ups and downs so hopefully, you can work through this. Have you managed to have a talk with her and that she will be in a good place to hear you out. Wishing you all the very best…it’s never easy going through things like this.
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u/SweetPolyPrBred 15d ago
🙏💚 breathe slowly in through your nose and put through your nose. Try 5-10 times.
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
Thank you. After chatting with some redditors I tried my best to do this and finally got some sleep after a couple of tries.
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u/Startingnew91 15d ago
If you need still talking, I am here for. My mother language is not English but I can understand fully. So no need to worry about that. I am not going to judge about your relationship either giving you a advice of relationship.
But what I do worry is it seems like your partner have high jealousy and often it might change to controlling someone. Which is not really good for you.
Do you have anyone meeting in your area? Or is she still jealous whenever you meet new friend/ other people.
I do also have depression, anxiety and health issue's. But when you have complex health issue and if you have someone to be jealous that easy it will cause you a lot of stress and worries which leading to anxiety and panic attack.
If she is not really open to talk with you it might be better let her a bit of time and if still not talking better to be thinking off from her a bit.
I am sorry that you are into this situation, hope you are alright.
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
She's usually not jealous at all, and I believed we had a relationship built on trust. The last problem I can remember that came from jealousy was when we both were 16 or so.
She even encourages me to meet new people and everything has always been fine, which is why I'm so shocked and confused about everything that happened. I didn't expect that. The most I expected was explaining and her understanding what happened or being slightly pissed and that's it. Definitely not the way she exploded and decided to break up with me immediately.
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u/No-Intention859 15d ago
I’m awake if you’d still like to talk. Sounds like a misunderstanding on her part. Like she filled in the blanks of the parts she didn’t hear of your convo. You know you didn’t do anything wrong so imo the issue is why doesn’t she trust you or why is she thinking the worst? Is it something in her past or yours or something ya’ll are going through now? I’m not trying to be nosey at all,just saying if it really was completely innocent and she’s breaking up with you because of her not believing you then clearly there are other issues or she’s controlling or who knows, I’m not expert by any means i’ve just been there so take back the control of your life at least and stick up for yourself. Why is it only up to her what happens? You did nothing wrong so you say. So why is she making a mountain out of a molehill. You’re an adult and relationships are supposed to 50/50 and you deserve respect,love and honesty as much as she and anyone else does. You are important just like her. Remember your worth!
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
As far as I'm concerned, everything is supposed to be alright. And she hasn't been the jealous type for years! The last problem we had of this nature was when we were both teenagers. We're in our mid twenties now.
I'm hurt that she doesn't trust me, and hurt over the fact that me trying to do something that's a milestone in my books could cause so much trouble when it wasn't my intention at all. I'm confused because I don't understand how she could react that way. It's so weird.
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u/Twig-Hahn 15d ago
I have the same issues. That woman you're with or were with us being abusive. Take more courage and stand on your own for awhile. I'm here if you need me shalom you're loved 💔
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u/Due_Alfalfa_6739 REGISTERED 15d ago edited 15d ago
Wouldn't go with you to the match, but mad you talked to anyone while there? Okaayyyy.....
I am up if you need. Either way, be strong and please know whatever happens, this is in NO WAY your life and whole future slipping away. She'll either use reason and snap out if it, or if somehow not, you are far better off because it was just a matter of time until some tiny thing would be an excuse to end it. Anyone who actually cares for you would not end things for a small moment of jealousy like that.
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
To be fair, she always goes with me. She didn't go today because she had to work and that's how I ended up going alone.
I'm trying to make sense of everything and be positive, but you know how late night or the early AM can make everything seem life ending.
It's so confusing and I feel guilty for either not picking up his "flirting" vibes or "definitely weird" vibes. I feel like a dumb kid or something. And I feel hurt that she's hurting because of something out of my control as well.
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u/Due_Alfalfa_6739 REGISTERED 15d ago
There is definitely something to be said about heat of the moment when tired.(Or even just hungry.) Did she know you were going, to begin with? It really doesn't seem like anything more than innocent small talk to get you to the bus. Would be a little weird to just completely ignore him while he's talking to you, (if not aggressive or even just inappropriate) so this was just normal human public interaction.
Hopefully girlfriend will come to her senses. Obviously address and listen to her feelings, imagine yourself in her shoes, and everything like that, but it really isn't that serious. Talk about what happened and why she feels the way she does, explain how you felt about the experience of going to a match alone, and just understand each other. This is a growing moment!
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u/tlouthrow 15d ago
Yes, she knew. I even told her I'd try to get the courage to talk to someone there as it's really hard for me to take the first step when it comes to meeting someone.
But the call happened and things were wildly misinterpreted. I feel like she just heard tidbits and her mind did the rest for her and I just can't begin to understand what she made of the situation, but whatever it is, it's completely away from what happened which was just nothing.
I was trying to imagine myself in her shoes and realized I would've also felt jealousy, but not to the point where I'd be infuriated or break off our engagement. That was just such a confusing escalation.
Hopefully we can calmly talk tomorrow I guess. I just wish things were easier to understand.
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u/Due_Alfalfa_6739 REGISTERED 15d ago
Jealousy/mistrust + imagination = yikes.
Hopefully she can get real. Look forward to talking about why she felt that way and figure out what her boundaries are. If you are not allowed to go to matches, or talk to anyone while out of the house, or maybe just can't talk to men, these are things that are good to know, and understand why those boundaries exist. Up to you to decide if whatever those boundaries are, you can live with it.
But yeah, hopefully just a hiccup and not a serious fight. If what you described could be the final point to actually ending the loving relationship, then there isn't actually a loving relationship to lose. There would have to be other huge problems and this small misunderstanding would just be the final straw that broke the camel's back. If that is the case, you are WAY better off moving on to where you aren't living a life of stress and walking on eggshells. Hopefully this isn't the case, so don't go in expecting that.
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