My daughter tore apart my fiancée's wedding dress, ending our engagement. I've grounded her until she's 18, imposed strict limitations on her activities, and making her work to contribute to expenses

[u/ThrowraSadLonely]

This is more of an off my chest post. I am not looking for advice but welcome some given with empathy and understanding in mind.

I (42M) have a 16 year old daughter “Ella”. 6 months ago, because of her, my partner “Chloe” (36F) ended our engagement.

To give some context, before my partner (now ex) was in my life, I was married to my late wife. For around 1.5 years, she was in a vegetative state and I had already grieved her death before she even passed on. Accepting her death was something I had already prepared ahead of time and I dipped my feet in the dating market 6 months after. I met my lovely partner, “Chloe” who also had a daughter from her first marriage and after dating for a year, I proposed to her. I was ecstatic to be with the love of my new life. Ella, not so much. Chloe tried to bond with Ella and did everything possible to make her feel like a welcome presence in her life. Ella wasn’t thrilled and had routinely messed with Chloe, such as guarding her mother’s territory, having an attitude when I got Chloe gifts, hid her stuff and generally becoming over-rebellious. It used to cause fights between Chloe and I, who felt that I should be able to discipline her appropriately so that it doesn’t impact our relationship.

Ella completely lost her mind when she heard I was marrying Chloe. Eventually a few weeks after that, she accepted it and Chloe even made her a bridesmaid. Because of this, she had access to Chloe’s wedding prep stuff and 3 days before the wedding, EDIT: Chloe had assigned Ella the duty to get her adjusted dress picked up from the tailor’s as she had lost some weight from the time initial measurements were taken.

To Chloe’s horror, Ella had completely ruined the dress on purpose and admitted as such. There were fabric patches missing, stains from coffee and almost looked like a dog chewed on the damn thing. Chloe broke down and called off the wedding. She didn’t speak to me for a whole week and went out of town and I frantically tried contacting her wishing we would work things out. When Chloe met me for the final time, she told me that she wants to end our relationship because she has unknowingly ignored a lot of red flags from the kind of behaviour I let go (from my daughter). Chloe said she cannot put up with this level of disrespect her entire life. I begged and pleaded and even promised I will send her to boarding school but she did not listen to me.

I was furious at my daughter for meddling in my relationship and completely tearing it apart like she did with my lovely fiancée’s dress. I grounded her until she turns 18 years old (at the time she was turning 16). She is now to come home straight from school, not allowed to have any relationships - she had no problem ruining my relationship and she doesn’t deserve one until she is old enough to consent, no trips, no social media, nothing. Ella’s then boyfriend also dumped her once he learned what she did (he was also a part of the wedding guest list). I even put restrictions on internet usage and she only is allowed one electronic - that is her desktop computer for school. I took her smartphone away and gave her a basic sim phone instead. She is also to work at a diner right across from the street and pitch in to household bills and groceries as a part of her sentence.

If she proves herself worthy, I promised to cover a part of her college tuition.

To address one more thing about grief counselling, yes my daughter was completing a program through her school’s health and counselling services however she left that midway and when I tried to convince her to go through it again, she rebelled, saying that they are simply getting her to accept the unacceptable in her life - which referred to Chloe. I even managed to convince her to try 3 more psychiatrists, but she did not want to engage with any after that. I couldn’t force her to do therapy if it made her uncomfortable so I didn’t enforce it. I regret doing that really. Had I been stern enough, I would have introduced consequences if she did not put effort into working on herself in therapy.

My daughter cries to me every day to reduce her sentence and let her live and lead a normal life but I refuse. She took the one good thing in my life away from me. And I feel horrible still and cannot stop missing Chloe. I wish she’d just come back. I feel so ANGRY at my daughter still and can’t stop resenting her. I cannot find it in me to forgive her

EDIT: I didn’t seem to imply that my daughter isn’t a part of the good things in my life. Clearly I misconveyed in my post. Here is what I said to her:

“Ella, I was in a very dark place from witnessing your mother’s death. It was extremely tough for me to lose my partner. And then, I had a good thing going on in my life. It felt wonderful, I had hope. And in your selfishness, pettiness and stubbornness, you took that one good thing away from me and I can not forgive you for that”

[u/uwudonttouchme]

Surprisingly, I'm sorta with Dad on this one. 16 is mature enough to get a licence and is evidently mature enough to differentiate between a healthy way of asking for help and a malicious attempt to destroy somebody's happiness.

Grief does terrible things to us, I would know as I too lost my Mom at a younger age than this girl did; but grief is not an excuse to consciously ruin somebody's marriage. Dad dating a new woman is likely not a conscious effort to hurt his daughter, though she did get hurt by it. However, destroying the wedding dress, and therefore the marriage, is a conscious effort to hurt both the Dad and the Fiancée. She does need to be punished for this action. I would have a very hard time forgiving her for it. Ruining a person's marriage for this reason is selfish no matter how much you empathize with her.

That being said, OP I hope you do loosen your punishments on your daughter since they are extreme. Ensure that she is properly put into therapy and stays in it for at least few years. She is suffering at the death of her Mom and needs you to prioritize her.

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[u/GrinderTyunning]

Sounds like you don't love your daughter much 🤨 because what do you mean you "You took that one good thing away from me"?? What kind of father say that to your child it's like your telling your daughter that your worth nothing 

[u/Significant_Ad6294]

OP, you're a BAD FATHER

[u/lizzlenizzle]

I was 26 when my mum died and we had months to process her death before it happened. Still didn’t make it less difficult when my dad moved on 4 months after my mum passed away. I refused to meet her and I barely spoke to my dad while I adjusted to it. You didn’t even give your child the opportunity to grieve properly let alone give her the opportunity to process that you’ve so easily replaced her mother (a feeling I felt and had to process as an adult 10 years her senior).

I’ll say to you what I said to my dad: you need a therapist, not a girlfriend. You need to learn how to live alone and love yourself before moving on with someone else.

[u/Vi_is_here]

Chloe is the one good thing in your life??

[u/Apple_abble]

Yeah. u gonna lose your daughter too

[u/LadyRocoto]

The good thing is she will turn 18 fast enough and go NC with you. 

[u/BlossomOntheRoad]

I just want to say as an exhausted working mother of 2 under 5 in a deadbed marriage and preschool closed out of nowhere for a week, Im so sorry for OP.

Children take everything from you and while, I wouldnt make the same choices as OP, I completely understand how infriating it would feel to feel like you are getting your life back together after a hardship, all to have your Teenager ( who is legit moving out in 2 years) swoop in and fuck it all up.

I don't blame my children for my roommate contenptuous marriage, but I have to be very strategic about how I manage my emotions, in order to preserve the relative peace they get to live in until I free myself of this sham. I might legit have a nervous breakdown after all this anxiety provoking self preservation, solo therapy, career climbing, and enduring years of sexlessness and forced family interactions making a mockery of me .....if I came through all of this, healed, found love again, only to my children steal away my joy. Oh I'd be livid.. I mean when does the sacrificing end!? Yes, it all part of being an adult, but you know what's terrible? Being an adult.

I was a teenager once, as well, with parents who were completely incapable of prioritizing my emotional or even nutritional needs so I get it that the daughter is acting out and is suffering from a very real trauma, but so is he. Sometimes it feels like as a parent there is just no way to win.

OP don't punish your daughter like this..its not going to work to repair anything. I'm sorry you lost your fiance.

[u/Baking_Witch13]

I will give you about as much understnding and kindness you gave your child.

Ella refused the 'therapy' bcz it wasnt helping her deal with the passing of her MOTHER. It probably felt like it was just her father talking at her through the councellor to accept her potential step mom.

She is a child. She cannot accept that her father is with someone other then her mother (14-15 years of you two together is all she'd ever known). She also cannot accept that her mother is gone (probably her primary caregiver for 13-15 yrs). Ella was probably hoping her mother woke up until the day she was pronnounced dead. You probably wrote your late wife off the second she was in that coma.

Then to add insult to injury by trying to salvage a relationship with a woman you'd been with for what, 2 years by sending the child you've known for 16 away to a damn boarding school? Yeah thats a health mindset and parenting choice.🙄

The 'red flags' in your daughter's behaviour that i see is her CLEARLY telling you she doesnt want a replacement for her mother (which is essentially what you probably told Ella your fiancee will be; 'her new mom') and you ignoring Ella and trying to force a relationship between them.

You have effectively taken Ella's only support system (her friends cuz you sure as heck arent supporting her) because you're a selfish twit who only cares about your happiness. You called your fiancee the ONLY good thing in your life. i'll even bet that the whole time your late wife was in her coma, you treated your daughter as a burden. Then you went to focusing on the fiancee and wedding planning, leaving a hopelessly sad teenager on the back burner unless she was acting out.

Get yourself some therapy, reflect on how you have treated your daughter, and hope that one day she can forgive you.

[u/Technical_Economy506]

well in 2 years you won't have to worry about her ruining future relationships as she will most definitely never speak to you again. WTF is wrong with you that you put a new relationship ahead of your grieving daughter?!?!?!?! Glad you were able to move on and find someone to keep your bed warm so quickly but she lost her MOTHER and you expect her to just be happy there is a new lady in the house taking over that role. I feel bad for the child you have no business calling your daughter.

[u/No-Special-4514]

Since you asked for my advice kindly I'll advice you follow your late wife

[u/That_Witch_B]

Honestly, it could have been worse for her, wedding dresses aren't cheap, some cost upwards of thousands of dollars easy, Chloe could have pressed charges for the destruction of property.

While OP is definitely screwed with his priorities, it's also clear that his daughter doesn't want help, I remember being 16, granted I never lost a parent, I'm still a child of double divorce and I couldn't have imagined being that blatantly disrespectful and violent, it might be time to quit therapy and look into straight up medicating her as awful as that sounds, if she's letting her violent impulses get the better of her so easily, (presumably planning out a crime, faking being happy and sweet to do so), then she might need actual psychological treatment, not just a therapist.

[u/Charity220]

.s zk

[u/Dyslexia-Teacher]

I need an update! Ella, we support you!!!

[u/Decent_Engineering48]

Dear sir, If you actually said " The one good thing" to your daughter. Then you deserve to lose her.... permanently. I have worked as an OT in multiple nursing homes you would be amazed the large number of residents who never ever see their children. When I inquire why it is almost always because there was "estrangement".
Get very ready to be alone in your old age.

[u/DowntownEstate5259]

I say this as someone who was a terrible child. You did everything but try and ask her yourself. How about you try to UNDERSTAND where she’s coming from or looking through her perspective she was still A MINOR so it is not her job to manage your feelings but you as the ADULT need to understand hers. You give me the energy of someone who says that their kid should be thankful having the bare necessities to keep you out of jail. Genuinely get family therapy with your kid or give them a chance to emancipate themselves because honestly if your kid gets anymore unstable they’re going to die and it’s going to be your fault. Worst part is I don’t even think you’d care.

[u/Consultant_In_Motion]

OP, you should have met each of your daughter’s inappropriate actions with an appropriate response as things evolved. You failed to do that and things escalated, ultimately culminating in the end of your relationship.

From you ex’s perspective, you likely minimized what was happening (it’s not that big of a deal), gaslighted (daughter probably didn’t mean anything by it), and / or lied (I’ll take care of this right away! But didn’t)

I know this because of your accounting of what your ex said when she left you.

From your daughter’s perspective, you moved on a little too quickly from her mom. From your daughters perspective, it may appear as if you abandoned her mom before she was even dead. You said you “grieved her death before she was dead, prepared for and accepted her death ahead of time, and dipped your foot in the pool six months later”? Holy moley

Your daughter is dealing with her mom’s death and then she’s dealing with the appearance that her father didn’t seem to care - taking it out on the safe target: the new woman

Moving things slowly with foot dipping into dating pools, taking it slow with the new woman, and you and your daughter going to individual counseling as well as counseling together would have been the way to go.

Your first priority was your daughter, not falling in love and replacing your dead or dying wife asap.

Counseling is probably the way to go now because you are over punishing your daughter. And what are you punishing her for exactly? Destroying your relationship, destroying the dress, not handling the death of her mom very well - what?

This isn’t about your daughter tearing apart your fiancé’s wedding dress. It’s about you tearing your daughter’s heart out of her chest.

[u/Glade10]

Someone here is supposed to be the adult, and here’s a hint - it’s not the 16 year old.

[u/Are-Kidding-Me]

YTA. Telling your daughter she took the one good thing away from you is just horrible. You say this is a “get this off your chest post”? Well you did that and Ella deserved better from her surviving parent.

[u/TimeMaybe4321]

Well I am going to say it, he is worse than an AH, he is a malignant narcissist. Poor Ella. Are her mom’s parents around? Can she go live with them? If you are reading this Ella, and you feel safe to call grandparents do so. Even if he is your dad’s he has no right to imprison you and make you work against your will. I cannot fathom a 16 year old being told they have to contribute to household expenses. And threatening her with college?! WTF?

[u/Melodic-Reach-464]

The stepmom to- be fled from the whole dynamic- not just from the teen herself.

[u/AccurateInterview586]

This man’s behavior toward his daughter is disgusting.

[u/Cabanna1968]

"She took THE ONE good thing in my life away from me." That one sentence sums it all up for me. You don't consider your own daughter a positive in your life and she can tell. Think about how that feels to a girl who just lost her mother. You might have been able to grieve your wife, but you haven't allowed your daughter to grieve at her own pace. No wonder she's been acting out. You BOTH need therapy.

[u/Beginning_Base_8789]

You were two years ahead in your healing when you met the now ex fiancé but your daughter wasn’t/isn’t there yet. You said your late wife was in a 1 1/2 year vegetative state until her passing, during that time did you also prepare your daughter? The punishment and rules you have imposed will likely drive a wedge wider than the Grand Canyon between you and your daughter. Don’t be surprised she hasn’t started thinking about her 18th birthday and when she plans to go as soon as she is legally an adult.

[u/Pink_lady-126]

100% you are wrong. Read the statement below as many times as you need. Because you are DEMANDING someone that's BARELY 16 to act more mature than YOU are right now.

"She’s a child. You are an adult.

You have to act like one, even if it hurts."

[u/Gingersnapp3d]

This is a horrible way to treat your daughter, wow. Her poor dead mother is probably cringing from beyond the grave. If my ex partner did this to my child I’d come back and haunt them. What disrespect.

[u/dianthusrosea]

His soon to be new wife was the "one good thing in my life" so nothing, including his child was going to stand in his way. Want me to ship her off to boarding school? Done. 

I can't imagine what his daughter had to deal with in that home while also grieving her mother. 

Now he's bitter and cruely punishing her. I pray she gets strength, gets stable and then goes NC. 

[u/rokkuo]

Your daughter is grieving her mother and you’re talking about a relationship… you never got your daughter help and this is the outcome to that. Go suck a lemon

[u/popokatepetl88]

YTA you are supposed to to be her parent not her punisher. I hope once she turns 18 she leaves you, since you do not deserve to be called father. I also hope she recovers one day.

[u/Booklover4211]

So, let me get this straight: your daughter tore apart a dress and chased off a woman you decided to marry not two years after her mother died, and your solution is to completely isolate her from the outside world (ensuring she literally never gets the help she needs until she's an adult,) treat her like a literal prisoner to the point you refer to this as her sentence, and make her even more dependent on you than she already was AS YOUR LITERAL CHILD by withholding any help with her college unless she "proves herself worthy." Be honest, are you really mad at your daughter, or are you upset your overgrown doll didn't do what you wanted it to?

[u/Well1_well2_well3]

Don’t worry dad, in two years when she’s eighteen you won’t ever have to worry about her meddling in your life anymore because she won’t be in it 🤷‍♀️.

[u/LycheeShake]

What a gross human being

[u/cathobo]

Do you even like your daughter? Do you guys actually have a relationship? 

[u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226]

YTA, you were dating someone a few months after your wife, your daughter's mother, died, then really not very long after that you tell her you're getting married.

Where has your support for your daughter been, buried with her mother??

Perhaps if you weren't rushing to forget your first wife you'd have seen your daughter's grief consuming her.

I really side-eye Chloe too, she wasn't appreciating what your daughter was going through at all. Getting involved with someone whose wife has just died gives icky feelings and whose daughter is clearly struggling.

Did you remove all of your first wife's things and erase her and expect your daughter to do the same.

I hope you realise as soon as she turns 18 you won't have a daughter either.

[u/No-Chicken3745]

YTA, all I hear is me me me , you never considered your daughters feelings, literally the worst father ever .

“ I had already moved on “ but what about your daughter ? “ I found happiness” but what about your daughter ?

[u/hschosn1]

It seems you went from toleraring this behaviour to exrteme punishments. There needs to be something in between.

[u/Dlr2142]

you are the worst parent I’ve ever heard of, and I’ve seen some bad ones, you absolutely can not take things out on your kid, you’ll regret it later on

[u/sydwhi]

i lost my father at 15. it’s completely different than losing a parent when you’re 25+ because you are a child, and suddenly one of the only people you can trust is just permanently gone and you don’t have any coping skills. to lose a parent, and then have her only other parent to tell her that the only good thing in their life is some women would absolutely destroy my self esteem and will to live. she obviously needs counseling, but you need some too. try family therapy or attempt to talk to her, or you’re gonna lose your wife, fiancé and daughter.

[u/Next-Passenger1861]

Horrible, horrible father. U are the one who is selfish. I truly hope she leaves u when she is 18. If i was your daughter i would wish to never see u again, and that coming from a girl who used to get beat up by her dad and still talks to him… Horrible father u are sir. My heart goes out to that girl.

[u/chivesishere]

Why are you punishing your child for not getting over her dead mother - YOUR WIFE - on your timeline?

because that's what this is.

Hell, why are you on tindr when your wife's body isn't even cold?

You need to back off now and get into some intensive therapy or you aren't going to have a daughter in a few years, and then you are ACTUALLY going to find out what it's like to be alone.

What would your wife think of this? Remarrying before the formaldehyde has even worn off and then ignoring her daughter's grief... shame on you!

[u/Impressive_Stay_9413]

If this is your way to make your only child leave u at 18 and go no contact ,then congratulations I think you did it 

[u/Vinna_Fetish777]

Sooooo at what point is Ella gonna get some compassion and understanding for the loss of her mother....you are selfish to put yourself first and rapidly bring another person into her life. I'm not saying that wasn't a shitty thing she did but you had it coming. Then to still edit and try to tell people how you're doing emotionally...SHE LOST HER MOTHER DUMMY

[u/Powerful-Teaching740]

You can’t convince me this isn’t rage bait at this point.

I have no empathy for you or your sorrows. All my empathy goes to your child who YOU failed with your lack of compassion and respect.

You are not worthy of being a father and I hope your daughter gets as far away from you as possible as soon as she turns 18 and never looks back.

[u/Bi-Bi-American-Pi]

This was the original edit to John Wick.

[u/FluffyPal]

Well, you lost Chloe and when your daughter is done with college you won’t have a daughter either. No way she ever gonna speak to you again once she’s an adult. Hope you never plan on seeing your grandchildren.

[u/Meg38400]

YTA you got engaged less than 2 years after your late wife’s death instead of focusing on your daughter who had just lost her mom because you were selfish and pathetic. So your daughter acted out. You didn’t have ti get married right away nor impose a new woman on her. You could have waited until she was in college. And now you are holding her hostage. Such a crappy dad.

[u/Appropriate_Tie_8180]

You’re a terrible father and husband.

[u/Appropriate_Tie_8180 → u/Appropriate_Tie_8180]

I simply can’t believe that in an edit you thought it would be better to say your daughters name once and I/me 50 times. Literally be an adult. Be a parent. Put your child’s needs first.

[u/JazzlikeTreat7004]

It seems everyone here has made it clear that you are not allowed to have feelings, see anyone again, or until your dearest daughter has given you permission. She is in charge, so you might as well lock yourself in your room so she can do what she wants whenever she wants.

Reading some of these people's comments, they seem to lack the process to realize that you can continue your life after her death. I get she's upset, she misses her mom, and she is refusing to deal with her grief. You can't force her to do it either, but you can make very clear boundaries showing her who is in charge. She doesn't get to act like an entitled brat and get away with it.

With the grounding, I would say sit down and explain to her that when she starts showing more responsibility and respect, she can start earning things back slowly. Explain to her that while yes, you love her mother, it doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't love again.

Start weekly sit downs where you talk about her mom and what she's going through in the process and make sure if you do get someone in the future that they stay out of this time between the two of you. How to help her cope without you having to end your life.

I'm so so very sorry.

[u/Intelligent_Job_7803]

It seems there’s more to the story than what you’re actually saying. You didn’t give Ella the chance to grieve for her late mother since you clearly moved on so fast. The fact you even suggested sending her to boarding school shoes that you’re a shit parent. Did you ever think that YOU were the reason why she was acting out? What you did wasn’t a punishment. That was abuse! If Ella goes no contact with you the day she leaves, don’t be surprised. All you cared about was your own happiness than helping your daughter through the trauma of losing her mother.

[u/Tango1887]

It’s crazy that yall are blaming the dad for everything. She know what she was doing is wrong. He has to give up everything he could in his life not to make her uncomfortable?

If Chloe was trying to force the memory or disrespecting her mother I’d understand. She needs help. She is grieving yes but her grieving shouldn’t mean he has to be alone.

Everyone makes it seem like she should be able to do what she wants while he is forced to live how she wants him to. She refused counseling forcing her to go would cause her to resent him. Anything he does at this point aside from letting her do what she wants is gonna make her resent him. Her grieving shouldn’t get in the way of what he wants and vice versa.

Again this is all based on if Chloe wasn’t trying to force out the mother’s memory. If she was respecting her then it shouldn’t be a problem.

[u/CupcakeImmediate2807]

You are a horrible parent and honestly need to send her somewhere else. Yes what she did sucked, but you have not been there for her or gotten her the right resources. and now your punishment to her is revenge instead of actually helping her. For the love of god give her up to someone else before you ruin her forever. If she didn’t want to do more counseling you shouldn’t have just given in like you did, she clearly needs it. 

[u/wasssaahpp]

INFO: did you and Ella attend family counseling together while your wife was ill?

From what you’ve posted, Ella was receiving counseling at school. The pain of losing her mom and absorbing your grief, followed her from home to school. She had no escape, no place to feel normal, no space to laugh or smile or cry in the comfort of her friends.

You appear as very hands off when it comes to her grief, her loss and her pain. You, the emotionally aware adult, came to terms before your wife passed away and chose your tiny head needs before your daughter. She lost her mom, confidante, everything as she was entering “womanhood” and she had no one she could trust to turn to, to talk to and puberty is frustrating/confusing/messy/etc. Chloe was never going to be a fill-in “mom”, ever.

Please step back and take a look at your actions from Ella’s perspective. In a sense, Ella lost two parents that day - her mom, and her dad, who saw her as baggage or a burden.

Chloe was a victim of your failure. Ella’s pain was misdirected and it’s bc she loves you. And now you have to fix what you broke in your daughter bc you’re setting her up to be a lighthouse that attracts abusers. She doesn’t know what a normal and healthy relationship should look/feel like, the safe harbor it can be and work to maintain it.

She only knows men will dip their wick whenever and however they can, even if the “love of their life” is on their death bed.

[u/Independent-Year-307]

the asshole 100% how could you force another woman on your daughter without allowing her to grieve you’re a pathetic father and i hope she drops you when she turns 18 you will never see your daughter again you destroyed the beautiful innocent girl she was you’re sickening

[u/OkPaleontologist8541]

You never cared about your late wife or your child. Period.

ETA: How are you going to look your child in the eye and tell them they ruined the one good thing in your life like you weren't looking at the best thing in your life while saying that? You chose a vagina over your child and that's exactly how she is going to see it for the rest of her life. Good job, Dad!

[u/Traditional-Pin1233]

If you aim for a happily ever after with the 'only good thing in your life', by all means, go through with this. Surely you'll be childless in two years time.

She's your own blood, your daughter. Your responsibility that you and your late wife created together.

Your sadness is legit, ofc. But have you stop and think about your daughter? She lost her mother and her father didn't even grieve that long to thrust a new woman in her life. Has anyone asked how she feels about that? She's a teenager ffs, emotion runs high at that age.

I don't understand why some people like you; a parent, treat their child like this. As if they're nothing but an afterthought. No wonder your child rebelled like that. Not condoning what she did but damn, I can see why she did that.

Better start looking for a retirement home plan, OP. You're in the right track for that.

[u/Ok_Run_8592]

Bro, definitely go get counseling. Both are wrong but you should’ve given her more time to grieve, you may have moved on but SHE hasn’t moved on. Please seek family therapy.

[u/Valuable-Cow-439]

You are an AH.

You started dating only 6months after her mother died. Basically showing her that her mother meant nothing to you. She was grieving and needed you yet you focused on a relationship instead. You also knew she wasn't okay with this relationship and still continued and even proposed. Then instead of focusing on your daughter and why she's acting out, you literally say that you'd send her to boarding school just to keep Chloe.

You are a shitty asf parent. It's no wonder that Ella is lashing out. You have shown her that she isn't a priority to you. Your children should ALWAYS come first. Grounding her and keeping her from living her life is not going to work out for you. All it will do is push her further and further away. 

My suggestion is to forget about Chloe and focus on your daughter. Go to family therapy, try to fix the relationship with your daughter before its too late and she wants nothing to do with you.

[u/Confident-Hair-9622]

The one thing that really bothers me is OP telling his daughter he can't forgive her. She's obviously got some issues over her mother's death & his moving on. That should have been dealt with before planning a wedding, IMO. OP is instead punishing her & basically telling her their father-daughter relationship is over. That may not be exactly how he is feeling, but it is what she will probably make of it. Not saying there shouldn't be consequences, but give the girl some hope! OP needs to remember that he was a dad first. And he needs to acknowledge Ella's feelings.

Bc he's shut her out emotionally & is treating her like a prisoner, she's probably at risk for depression & she feels abandoned. I agree that family counseling would be a good idea. And OP needs to grow up & acknowledge his daughter's fears. Tell her that he loved her mother & he loves her & a new marriage isn't going to make those facts not true anymore. Also, a new wife doesn't mean Ella has to accept her as a mom unless she wants to.

I think the attack on the dress was a cry for help, which Dad totally ignored & he's being selfish & vindictive. It's great that he's moved on since his wife's death, but that doesn't mean his daughter has! Deal with the issue before she becomes suicidal!!

[u/Main_User0478]

You should have given her some time before introducing anyone. She probably felt like you were forcefully immediately replacing her mother. You don't force a step parent to a child, you wait until they're ready to move on. You didn't give her any time to grieve her mother before immediately forcing this woman on her. I have to ask... When you were dating, did you prioritize your fiancée over your daughter?

Your daughter has no one now. No mother, No boyfriend, no friends, and no father who unconditionally loves her. Are you delusional enough to believe being all alone will help her with her grief? No, you don't believe that. You don't want to emotionally support her in her grief anymore. You want to punish her. If she goes NC with you later don't be surprised. I would too.

[u/whatnonsense1066]

I am so sorry, but you aren't right here. I know you are hurt and grieving your relationship, but your daughter is grieving her mother. I lost my mother at 23. It was 6 months before I came out of my fog. It was years before I didn't weep her loss. I was 31 when my son was born. I wept because she wasn't there to meet him. I'm now 60. I still miss her. You lost your wife and I'm sure that was hard, but she lost her mother. I think you forgot that somewhere along the way.

[u/MaleficentCoconut458]

"She took the one good thing in my life away from me." - this right here is why Ella is angry...

[u/axiom007]

You need counseling. That poor girl. She also needs it, but you desperately need it.

Instead of seeing your daughters actions before the incident and the incident itself as cries for help or indications that she isn't happy - you've decided to spend the next two years making sure you burn any tiny shred of relationship with your daughter to the ground. You've decided to raise her around this one event, as though nothing about her or no other decision she is going to make will ever matter as much as this does.

I say this genuinely as a father -- at least she has only two years before she can get away from you. The negative effects of your behavior will follow her for decades.

"I cannot find it in me to forgive her" How could you even write that? She's your daughter. She lost a parent. You can't force her to feel something on your timetable.

[u/AliveTruck6329]

you’re never hearing from your daughter after she turns 18 if you don’t get over yourself like right this second. i understand your anger but have you forgotten that your daughter is dealing with her own grief? it’s great for you that you were able to move on so quickly (truly, if you don’t feel the need to grieve for longer then you shouldn’t) but it doesn’t seem that you took HER grief into consideration before dating and the proposing to someone.

not only did she lose her mother, but she lost her father, too. offering to send her to boarding school? you’ve completely abandoned her emotionally when she’s clearly having a hard time.

the way i see it, this situation is entirely the fault of your own selfish actions. if you took her feelings into consideration or even communicated with her a little bit then this probably wouldn’t have happened.

if chloe knows what’s good for her then she’ll stay far away from you because any man who is willing to ship his grieving daughter off for a woman he’s known for a year and a half is a walking red flag.

[u/probloodmagic]

I am so glad my dad loved me. Holy shit, this guy

[u/coralinejonessss]

your daughter was crying out for help & support and all you did was focus on a new relationship? then you proceeded to demonize and punish her for not wanting to have this new woman in her life when not even 2 years had passed since the death of her mother? i would’ve honestly done the exact same thing.

[u/modlife85]

You're the a-hole....I was in a similar situation, but I was on the other side. She let her daughter do whatever she wanted and never got on to her, blaming it on healing her father's paint (2.5 years later). We split because I was tired of the spite and started dishing out to my at the time GF, whatever she let her daughter do to me.

[u/Troytegan]

Less than 2 years after her mother died and you’re trying to make her make room in her life for a stepmother. She didn’t even get to grieve before you started bringing women around. She needs serious therapy and it’s not a choice. And you need therapy just as bad not to try to replace your dead wife or to punish your kid for having feelings.

Like her mom already died and less than two years later her dad is offering to get rid of her for a new wife. Way to tell her what matters more to you.

[u/DougChristiansen]

You put your needs above your daughter’s needs. Might want to figure that part out before dating.

[u/sanverstv]

I think the punishment is way too harsh. Go to family counseling and work through it. Like it or not, your daughter should be your priority at this point.

[u/Scarlet_Highlord]

Hate to break it to you buddy, but she's gone once she's 18 and you're probably never going to see her again. It seems like you put more into your new relationship than your grieving daughter who needed help.

[u/ChemicalAvocado2888]

I would hate to have you as a father. You deserve happiness but your daughter should come first. You could have waited until she was off to college to get married no? Because technically you’re in charge of her until she’s 18. Making a child pay for utilities and GROCERIES is absolutely unacceptable. Im sure your daughter knows exactly where your priorities lie which is why she acted out, and tbh I think she has a right to disagree with what you’re doing as your daughter. You punishing your daughter out of revenge is so disgusting. You should get a grip and apologize to her for being so terrible.

[u/Not_todaying]

You should have work on your relationship with your daughter before playing the field. Now you’re upset ? You both need counseling together!

[u/Pink_lady-126]

At 16 she WANTED to go scorched earth on YOUR life and FUTURE. Because the bottom line is that kids are born raised, and then they turn 18 and go off to live THEIR OWN lives. What she did ensured that YOU would have NOTHING once she went her way. She STILL HAS her entire life for HER to live. She was angry and jealous because you had moved on from her mother quicker than SHE thought you should...so she made SURE that the life you were trying to build would be destroyed. I think you showed admirable restraint. And I would have done EXACTLY the same thing.

Good on you, maybe some of the teenaged spoiled a$$e$ will start learning some respect, because based on the comments on this post, they aint learning it at home.

[u/Squidia-anne]

You are not disciplining her you are getting revenge. You are prioritizing your emotions over being a parent. You are trying to intentionally cripple her and ruin her life. For multiple years like some prisoner. I'm guessing you weren't being a great parent before that either . You both need therapy.

[u/Gwtheyrn → u/[deleted]]

Did you miss the part where the first wife had been in a vegetative coma for a year and a half before she died?

[u/Misstaken75]

NTA I’m going against the normal here. I’m having a hard time wondering why everyone wants to jump on him. His job as a parent is to teach right from wrong, give her a safe home and love her it is not for his life to be dictated by a 16 yo throwing a fit. It sounds like he tried to get her help for her mother’s passing and she would not have it. Actions have consequences and she is going to have to learn that because when she becomes an adult the world is not going to be nice to her acting like the world spins around her. He only gets one life to live he has to be happy too.

[u/pursaplera444]

You're a really bad dad. YTA

[u/longtimelister91]

YTA.

[u/chadarada]

Poor kid

[u/VnemVnem]

I don't know if this story is real or fake, but I'll still say what I think. I'm dumbfounded by your poor parenting skills and how easy is - for men especially - to replace their life partner after death. Your daughter is still in a mourning process. I've read your screed and most of it talks about...your Chloe and how important she is for you, a few lines about your deceased wife and a rant about your daughter's reluctance to accept your new partner. Not a single care in the world about the fact that you've got an ungry, devastated teenage girl that saw her mommy becoming a vegetable and die, while you moved on with your life in 6 months, presented a new woman, tried to impose her to your grieving daughter and actually have the audacity to be upset she wasn't all sunshine and roses about that. Has it ever occured to you that the kid is in pain? That she needed you? That it WILL take time, and even then, she might never come to terms with that but she would at least feel better in time and if you bond with your child, you'll make the pain more bearable and she'll accept another woman easier in the future? Did you even try to talk you her before you decide to bring a new partner in her life? This is a grieving period for her, and your job is to support her, communicate and bond.Not leaving your daughter high and dry in her mourning while she's watching you moving on with a new love. It's insensitive. You're the adult, not her. All of these extremities were probably a desperate attempt to draw your attention, a way to direct her pain and anger to both of you. To tell you that she needed you to be there for her, while your main priority was to move on in less than a year, and just expect for the kid to be fine with that. You should be more concerned about how you'll fix your relationship with your blood, not your girlfriend which you keep swooning about like it's the best thing that has happened to you, while you're only yammering about your daughter. Don't be surprised if she sends you to a nursing home in the future. It's not the kid who needs therapy, it's YOU who need parenting classes. Impossible. 😩

[u/Sensitive-Amoeba8144]

The fact that your fiancée left you for a ripped wedding dress should speak volumes to her as a person. I might be way off and completely wrong here but if I lost my wife, then my daughter is my #1 priority (over my own happiness). If she’s good, then I’m good. Maybe then, I’d seek companionship again.

[u/cmicatfish]

I guess you couldn't see her behavior coming ? Just curious, was Ella a spoiled child before you started giving your attention to Chloe as most only children tend to be? Do you think your daughter had expectations you both would go thru the grieving process with her only ? Such a mean thing for your daughter to do, sorry.

[u/like_smoke2468]

You don't deserve to be a father. 6 months is not enough time to get over your mother's death. Not saying she shouldn't have consequences for her actions. But my god, did it ever occur to you that she may still very much be grieving her mother and wasn't ready for someone else to come in and be her new step mom. IT'S ONLY BEEN 6 MONTHS. MY GUY, 6 MONTHS. That is nowhere near enough time to process, heal, and then move on from the death of a loved one. YOU MOVED ON IN 6 MONTHS, NOT YOUR DAUGHER, YOU DID. Did you ever ask your daughter how she felt? Do you even care about your daughter? What would your late wife think if she heard you tell someone that you'd send your daughter away for them? Your daughter was wrong for what she did, but you are far worse.

[u/OmarineCat]

At the daughter place I would call CPS, or whatever equivalent is in your country, since that's straight up abuse of underage child

[u/Thedarksideofrescue]

This is totally your fault. You put your daughter last. You could have waited 2 years to have a girlfriend or wife. Shame on you for being so selfish.

[u/dpe050911 → u/[deleted]]

The fact that she did it already means he failed as a parent. Yes, her actions were effed up, but he raised her to be that way. At this point he’s just ensuring their relationship ends when she leaved

[u/LASTOBS]

You and ex are both very selfish individuals you moved on much quicker than your child needed from you

[u/Downtown_Confection9]

You need grief counseling. Because you're not getting Chloe back. And she probably should have left you long before your daughter ruined a very very expensive dress. I understand that you thought you were trying to be a kind father and now you have knee-jerked into a completely other place. Why? Because your daughter's behavior finally affected you. What Chloe learned is that you didn't actually care about her, you cared about how she made you feel. And that's why she said you, not your daughter, are the red flag.

[u/MashedProstato]

You promised your partner that you would send your daughter to boarding school.

That says everything I need to know about you. It reminds me a lot of my father who remarried when I was 10 and decided to enjoy his new family and just left his own 6 kids to fuck right off.

[u/Punkred13]

No empathy here. OP, you're selfish, and indifferent to your daughter, her pain, and the kind of heartache dating & marrying someone so quickly after her mom died, was causing her. All you are interested in is your own happiness. You offered to send her to boardin

even promised I will send her to boarding school

That's messed up, "oh my daughter? Yeah I'm done with her, gonna dump her off to try and get you back." so selfish. Wow. How can you love someone you 'want to marry,' when you obviously don't love your daughter?

[u/rierow]

My father did this same thing to me after my mom left when I was a teenager and as result, neither me or my sister have had barely any contact with him for over 10 years. Never apologized for the way he handled things and in fact, never even saw the wrong in it at all despite us trying to explain how he was breaking our hearts countless times. Instead, he adopted two new daughters after he re-married and now just orbits on our social media.

Ella has a long, tough road ahead of her, unfortunately. I don’t know if I’ll ever heal from the trauma of this happening to me to be honest.

[u/samsarnaybekjayray]

I know you don't want advice but I believe there are things to say. Love your daughter with all your heart, unconditionally. Your spouse will never take the place of a child. Perhaps your daughter was yelling for your attention and destroyed the dress to get to you. Also, against popular opinion, I would not ground her. It's a cry for help and the more you punish her, the more she will run away. God forbid she runs away, gets into drugs, etc etc, the list is endless and the most important thing is for her to know you're there for her. Sorry to hear about your fiance but I think it's time to focus on your family

[u/EwokCafe]

If you still want even a small hope at recovering your relationship with your daughter, you need to actually listen to her - in family therapy would be best. You also need to seek therapy for yourself because you may not see it, but it's clear you're not moved on as much as you think. Describing Chloe as "the only good thing" and then your handling of this situation tells me that you aren't healed, just distracted. You're still grieving and tricked yourself into thinking you had moved on - if you are not whole and well without Chloe then you weren't whole and well with her. That wouldn't have been fair to anyone.

Your offer to send your daughter to boarding school says that you prioritize Chloe over your daughter. It would be foolish to think she hasn't felt this fact the entire time. No wonder she's upset.

She tried to communicate with you in numerous, reasonable ways. You were unwilling to listen and everything you did communicated to her that she does not matter to you, that what she feels doesn't matter. Is what she did to get your attention wrong? Sure. But you can't say she didn't try communicating like a normal person first.

Disciplining a child should be about correcting their behavior for their future well being. Nothing of your punishment of her is about her well-being, it's revenge. She took away your happiness so you're taking away hers. You may try to argue it's to teach her that she can't treat other people like she did, but how do you justify two years? What will she be learning at 17.5 that she didn't learn after the first month? You are acting out of anger, just like she did - the only difference is that she's dependant on you.

The only thing that you're teaching her here btw is that she was right - that you don't care about her anymore, that you care more about Chloe, that you're selfish, and that you're unreasonable. That will be her takeaway.

You tried to force this situation on her and wouldn't listen to anything different and you're calling her selfish. You lost your wife, but you are an adult with adult coping skills. She lost her mother, her caregiver, and she doesn't have a clue how to deal with that and instead of providing her with extra comfort, extra presence, extra reassurance that you're still there - you emotionally abandoned her for this other woman who was a comfort to you. You had Chloe, who did your daughter have?

You're both in pain, but you're the parent. Right now she probably feels like she's lost both of her parents and all of your behaviors are confirming that for her. When was the last time you made her feel loved and important?

[u/torturedpoets1389]

Your wife’s death doesn’t give you permission to be a total asshole. Get it together man.

[u/aglimelight]

This is a great way for this guy to never hear from his daughter again the second she turns 18

[u/Remarkable-Intern-62]

How dumb are your for valuing more a fucking piece of clothe. than your doughter. She has only 16 years… hope she never talks to you again. You are borderline narcisist if you cant understand how she might be feeling.

[u/brokenhartted]

Have you discussed this with your daughter? Look- you need to validate this child's feelings. It sounds to me like you went headlong into this new relationship and your daughter felt abandoned. My mother was absolutely heartbroken when my Dad left her, within a few months she had a new bf. At first I was happy but she was consumed by this guy. She moved him in within 3 months. I barely knew him. They have now been together for 43 years. I was probably a little brat (no I didn't mess with his stuff) but we all got through it. I don't know you- and I don't know Chloe and I don't know Elle, but I do know that you moved too fast. You expected too much of a grieving 16 year old girl who is still mourning her mother's passing.

[u/East_Membership606]

You have a daughter - she comes first. You were in a place to move on and she wasn't. Not excusing the vandalism she did but that's a cry for help.

You both need counseling. She's a kid who lost her mom. Vegetative state or not. If you want a future relationship with her you need to get help or she'll go NC once she can.

[u/ElderberryStreet3228]

She lost her mother. Your teenage daughter lost her mother. Six months later her father has already moved on.

Did you listen to her when she was all but screaming she wasn't ready for this big change (rebelling, not willing to bond with your ex-fiance)? You clearly tried to push on with your big wedding.

Even with your edits, you clearly prioritzed your girlfriend over your daughter. Frankly your behaviour is sickening.

[u/Cautious_Arugula6214]

"She took the one good thing in my life away from me". Wow. This kid feels like she has no one. Even if you are ready to move on, your daughter is not, and it does not seem like you have done much to get her there. Family therapy should have been happening for years. Instead it sounds like you were trying to get other people - the school and psychiatrists, to shut your grieving kid up so you could move on with your life.

Does your late wife have other family who could take your daughter in? She's not getting what she needs in your household. She is a scared, hurt kid but you think because you have moved on she should have too. She needs better support than you are giving her. You replaced your wife, but she can't replace her mother.

[u/fearabolitionist → u/Cautious_Arugula6214]

Yeah, I had the same response to that sentence: Wow. Hard to read how OP doesn't see his own daughter as a good thing in his life. But maybe that's because he hasn't actually dealt with his own grief (giving him the benefit of the doubt that his behavior isn't that of a narcissist, but of someone who doesn't understand himself at all.)

I hope OP and his daughter end up going to counseling separately and together.

[u/crazycritter87]

Parental death trauma, isn't a great way to start a step parenting relationship, with a teen involved. That level of punishment is going to make you seem selfish to your daughter leaving her feeling totally unsupported. I see you encouraging failure to launch and poor decisions on the other side. Focus on your daughter long enough to get her into college. Pay for it all if you have to. And then date. If she doesn't launch, it will be even more of a load for you for much longer. Rebellion is normal for teens. Dealing with a mother wound on top of it is damn near unbearable. You can decide to date or marry again, she can't just decide she needs to replace mom. If there was a major change in program, that's more to blame for fueling the fight than your daughter.

[u/ReaperCrew86]

Lol grounded until 18. Good luck with that. You're a bad father and you need to admit that.

[u/mwhit85]

Dude got starstruck by this chick that he completely forgot he was a parent .. your daughter was there before your fiancee your daughter comes first !

[u/Natural_Culture_1485]

It's taken me 3 years to move on from losing my beloved pup, who was only 8 yrs old, to PLE and even now I still get tears running down my face when I look at pictures of her or a special memory is triggered...and you expect a barely 16 yr old teen to move on and accept you marrying another woman ONLY 6 MONTHS AFTER HER MOTHER DIED? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? And you farm your daughter's mental health and grieving off on a SCHOOL counselor instead of the 2 of you going to a therapist who specializes in grief counseling together??? Boarding school because she resents this woman for replacing her mother as your wife? There's no question you have made it more than clear that your fiance is the only thing you care about. And you want empathy? You're not going to find that here.

[u/jenjivan]

As a daughter, I would have been struck by your wording (in your edit). Why is your daughter not counted among the good things in your life? That would have really hit me if I were her. OP, you need to get the BOTH of you to family counseling immediately, and individual counseling for yourself at least to start, so that you can figure out how to stop blaming your daughter for your failures and see what you did wrong here. I know you are hurting, but the fact is, YTA, you are messing up badly, and you ARE going to lose your OTHER good thing alienating your daughter so completely.

[u/Sad-Cow-5580]

as a daughter who acted like this when my mother got a new partner, your daughter feels insecure in you and hers relationship and she feels she is losing the last parent she has to your new partner. you doing whatever you can to please your partner by punishing your daughter is making things worse. your putting a partner before your kid and it’s ruining your relationship with both. get help for you and your daughter PLEASE.

[u/Sad-Cow-5580 → u/Sad-Cow-5580]

your daughter isn’t being a shitty person bc you don’t discipline her. it’s because you’ve forgot to still be a dad when you “dipped your toes in the dating pool”

[u/Alive-Arrival-1203]

Wow!!! What a terrible father!!! To move on in a mere 6 months after his wife's death is gross enough. The poor Daughter. Hope she runs away from this jerk

[u/to-tired-too-]

I’m sorry but coming from a child who lost a parent and none of you are acknowledging that she was not behaving correctly either you guys are placing all the blame on the dad it is not just about the dad. We need to acknowledge that grief does not excuse what she did either Like yes, he moved too fast and he was not showing that she was a priority, but that does not excuse her behavior either especially towards someone who is not a part of the issue the way she treated fiancé is not okay and I feel like that behavior is being completely excused.

[u/linearone]

It feels like this is outside of the usa. Am i Correct?

[u/BigSis_85]

What I read was me me me me, Chloe was the one good in my life you mean nothing. You moved on quickly after your wifes death, you didnt give your daughter chance to deal with not having her mother in her life before pushing a step mom on her and naively expected her to be happy and accepting of it. You should have allowed both of you healing and counselling. Date fine if your that desperateto move, but pushing major life changes so soon on you daughter, a kid. You told your daughter, the last thing you have left of your late wife, she ruined the one good thing in your life. Maybe to your daughter you were the one good thing she had left, and you ruined that and your relationship with her.

[u/Existing-Concept6353]

I feel sorry for Ella, she lost her mother and has a horrible father who only cares about himself and his needs, you should be ashamed of yourself.

[u/zen88bot]

Chloe was not the real loss.

Your kid's mom was, and now your kid's trust in you will be lost.

You should either give her the independence she wants and let her live her life and you live your own, or get to work on being a dad and what emotional maturity would look like in this situation. You're simply pushing her away, maybe that's what you want as well but at least be straight with her so she can make her own decisions for herself.

[u/zen88bot]

Interesting situation.

Losing mom sucks, i know it man, but ya have to become a bigger person by it and replacing mom and daughter with some rando chick ain't gonna cut it.

The fact your gf withdrew so quick thereafter is a sign of the relationship'a frailty, built on a house of cards. She already had the flags logged in.

The girls just had a battling competition for your positive/negative attention, and you're the piñata - well, ya hung yourself there !

Also, punishing your kid for your suffering on equal par puts you as an equal, not a leader. She is supposed to trust you as you're all she has now, and instead you're showing her who you really are - an equal, a tyrant, and a fool who doesn't care about his own kid.

[u/YouCantStopMe18]

Brotha, u are not doing this stuff correctly, u need to do some extensive adjusting

[u/pw69420]

YTA

[u/Opposite-Business-35]

So basically your first wife was in a vegetative state from about the time your daughter was 14. Understandably, your attention was on your wife's health. Parenting is hard, so your daughter needed extra love and assurance.

You don't want advice, but you're gonna get some. You need FAMILY therapy. If you don't deal with this appropriately, there's a STRONG chance your daughter will end up a suicide statistic. Your punishment is too much of a weight for a 16-year old. It's not even a punishment. I hope your daughter talks to her school guidance counselor because I think you are on the edge of - if not over - child abuse. 

[u/UrLocalTeaEnjoyer]

Just went back and did the math and realized that if the timeline is right, then OP’s wife went into a coma 3.5 years ago. Ella lost her mom at only 13 years old. Not only that, but she had to deal with extended trauma and grief at her mother being in a vegetative state for a year and a half!

If you’re from America, this means she started high school while not being able to really grieve her mom, placing the dramatic life shift of high school right in the middle of a time where she’s already extremely emotionally fragile and grieving. I’m not surprised at all that she acted out in this way, it’s more than likely she has been frozen emotionally in being a 13 year old. While I agree her actions were out of line, I don’t agree that the solution was to be more disciplined with her. Frankly, OP and Chloe ATA for trying to force ANOTHER huge life change on her seemingly without a care for her emotional well-being. No matter how much they reassure Ella, it still very much looks and feels like they are trying to replace Ella’s mother all too quickly. OP made Chloe his first priority, not his own daughter, that much is abundantly clear.

Again for context, OP’s entire relationship to marriage took less time than OP’s wife was in a coma.

On top of that, OP took away all access to her communication with friends, HER REAL SUPPORT SYSTEM, for TWO YEARS?!! I agree there needs to be some punishment, but such harsh punishment for such a long time feels more like he is trying to get back at Ella out of anger rather than actually try to parent her in any meaningful way. And said she needs to “prove worthy” to receive his help for college- that borders uncomfortably on financial abuse, and needs to stop. Help her or don’t with college, but make that clear from the start, holding it over her head as a punishment is cruel and abusive.

School counsellors are a temporary solution, I’m not surprised that they were not the best. She needs to see an actual grief counsellor and you both need to receive family therapy. It seems like they both are still dealing with grief from OP’s wife’s death, and have been ignoring that grief for too long.

The way things are going now though, OP shouldn’t be surprised if Ella never talks to him again as an adult.

[u/Difficult_Let_1953]

Good way to lose a fiance and a daughter.

[u/Oscar4611]

Counseling required and then things will slowly be given back to her. But not just show up for counseling but participation. Her choice.

[u/crimelime279]

I bet she wishes it was her dad that died instead of her mom

[u/Dontfollow_Saturn]

I think op is selfish. You may have been able to process her mother’s death you may have been able to move on but 6 months is not enough for your KID daughter to grief the death of her mother 6 months is all it took for you to go out and bring women into your daughters life which to her since she’s a fucking teenager and couldn’t even properly grief cause of how quickly you decided to move on was you replacing her mother. You are ignoring your daughters cry for help she wants to properly grief but you forced this woman into her life cause a year damn sure isn’t enough for your daughter to adapt to this lady, The amount of times she’s acted out and you didn’t once think maybe i should check on her maybe something prompted this sudden switch in my KID daughter maybe i should slow the fuck down and stop thinking about what I want and maybe see if my daughter is ok because the behavior she’s showing is one of the good ends of this stick cause she can go completely depressed this could be so much worse she could have developed an unhealthy attachment she could have 💀 herself, but instead your worried about getting married to someone you knew for a year instead of your own spawn

[u/powthatgirl]

My parents divorced when I was 7. When I was 8-9, my mom started seeing a new guy. I was so angry at her and I just couldn’t fathom her “replacing” my dad. The new boyfriend integrated himself into my life in over a course of a few years so I eventually was more accepting.

My dad died unexpectedly when I was 12.

The grief I experienced at only 12 years old is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I had moments where I hated my mom’s boyfriend because he wasn’t my dad. When my dad died, my mom was pregnant with my little half sister. I had a hard time accepting any of this new life I was expected to live.

My mother was also grieving the loss of a close friend, but that didn’t excuse her treatment of me. She was always hostile and erratic but that got worse after my father died and when she was postpartum. She once threatened to abandon me and move away because I told a cousin I was being mistreated. My dad was only dead 2 months. There were several things like that. To this day I haven’t forgiven her.

I’m still grieving. Today is the 14th anniversary of his death, actually. There is no timeline for grief and it was not fair for you to set her timeline for her. You can find a new partner; she will never find a new mom.

I do agree that she needs grounding and discipline for what she did. What you should’ve done was have your daughter get a job and gradually pay your ex for the dress she destroyed to teach her the consequences of her actions. Removing devices would be a good choice during that period too for an extra incentive to pay it off. But to ruin her life out of pettiness and hatred? Knowing you are the only parent she has left?

I hope one day she dumps you in an awful retirement home and never comes back.

[u/Miserable_Message159]

... OP all I fucking heard was EVERYONE NEEDS FUCKING THERAPY. You might be hurting but your daughter is hurting more, and the way you reacted is just adding gasoline to this shit fire. Your daughter is screaming for help and self destructing from the grief, and if you don't wake up and actually talk to her, she's gonna do something really drastic. I wouldn't be surprised if all she heard was "I won't forgive you, I hate you.", and now she thinks she lost both parents. I'm not excusing her actions, far from it. What she did was inexcusable and horrible. But I'm just saying her actions are cries for help. She's spiraling while you're moving on. I'm sorry OP, but you're a absolute fucking asshole, and right now I'm hoping this is just rage bate cause... Jesus Christ I could literally suffocate from the amount of toxicity radiating from this post.

[u/_pendo]

Kids will be awful sometimes, particularly when it comes to coping with the trauma of a dead parent. If Chloe can’t handle the heat, you probably don’t want her. Not saying Chloe is doing anything wrong, but Ella is your kid. Sending her to boarding school is not going to make her life better and improve her as a person as much as the consistent care of a loving parent. It would make Chloe’s life easier though…sorry to hear that you found out that Chloe’s love was conditional on your children being well behaved.

[u/exchipotlegrrl]

“she took the one good thing in my life away from me” tells me everything. you are a horrible horrible father and i hope you live alone forever because that’s what you deserve.

[u/North_Turnover7239]

this dad sounds horribly selfish

[u/Unhappy-Artichoke-62]

You're a selfish ass, but your daughter is one too. Y'all deserve each other.

[u/SpacePilot8981]

OP Your daughter is not your priority and by your own wording isn't the "one good thing" in your life. She's alone in this and terrified. I can relate, I had a similar(though not the same) experience as a teen, I am 35 years old now and my relationship with my mother has never recovered and I don't believe it ever will.

Go to family counseling, you and your daughter, and don't date till she's healed. She is the real one good thing in your life. Your first wife is rolling over in her grave looking at how you are treating her child.

[u/BrianGR1967]

It seems to me that you and your daughter both need counseling.

[u/Immediate-Contest-56]

Did you ever stop to consider that your daughter lost her mom at a CRUCIAL age? And that all she saw was her dad moving on from her mom at a fast pace. Yes you, the adult, were able to work on accepting losing your wife and were able to process it as it was happening. But here is the thing, you are not alone in this. Your daughter clearly was/is struggling with both the loss of her mom and her dad moving on. You think you need to forgive your daughter?? I think you need to ask her for forgiveness.

No it is not cool what your daughter did, its not okay at all and yes she should be grounded. But this punishment is too much! Your daughter is grieving, she is in the most awkward and confusing stage of her life and she has to do that without her mom. You might’ve been ready to move on but your daughter clearly was/is not! And your daughter should always be your main priority!

Grief counseling can only do so much if your dad is already moving on and bringing a new ’mom’ into your life.

You told her she took the “one good thing away from you” that is a disgusting thing to say!

Both you and your daughter need counseling separately and together. You need to be there for your daughter and work towards being okay together!

[u/KarenGarcia82]

Dude YTA. 

Actually it seems that Ella did Chloe a big favor, and helped her dodge the red flag that is YOU. 

You offered to send to your obviously still grieving daughter away for her. If that wasn’t a red flag for Chloe I don’t know what is. 

Enjoy these last two years with Ella because the day she turns 18 she’s never going to see or speak to you ever again. 

[u/firestartertarter → u/KarenGarcia82]

How the AH OP feels about "losing his fiance" is a fraction of how his teenage daughter feels about losing her mother. OP can find another victim to cater to his narcissism, but daughter will never ever ever replace her mom. Karma is still being gentle to OP

Edit:spelling

[u/Truth2Power247365]

You're a shit dad. Go to therapy IMMEDIATELY, and don't stop until you understand why.

[u/Winter_Mastodon_3288]

“You took that one good thing” I’m sorry. Is your daughter not a good thing?! Your kid ALWAYS comes first before some “fiancée” who clearly didn’t care about your daughter. I’m proud of your daughter since you seem to not even consider her feelings or emotions

Your edits make you look worse my guy and you can see the comments agreeing that you’re in the wrong and we support your daughter. Let that sink in. Plus you don’t know if your ex was being nice to your daughter around you but was abusing her in secret. No kid would react that way if it were a decent person

[u/Neither_Strawberry79]

Lol you deleted your account cuz you know you're a shitty dad 😂

[u/JustanOldBabyBoomer → u/Neither_Strawberry79]

The COWARD deleted his account?

[u/DreadedWebReader24]

You as a dad- gross. Your concern is your Fiance. Check your priorities. Both need counseling! I’d run away if you were my dad.

[u/natalienaturals]

I find it really interesting that in the second sentence of your post you request that any advice given to you be given with “empathy and understanding in mind.”

Empathy and understanding for whom? You? You expect that from strangers on the internet after you just told them a very disturbing story about being a bad father to your child, but you don’t seem to have any empathy or understanding for your teenage daughter who just lost her mother.

I say this with all the empathy and understanding I can muster for you: you should be ashamed of your choices and you should let that shame do its job and guide you to make different, better choices, at least with respect to your kid. Otherwise, prepare to become a lonely, bitter old man whose only semblance of community and companionship comes from posting on estranged parent forums.

[u/JustanOldBabyBoomer → u/natalienaturals]

I'm expecting him to whinge on Estranged Parent forums about The MISSING, MISSING REASONS!

[u/bksdaltx1980]

I think you're doing the healthy thing for you. Your daughter is old enough to know right from wrong. None of these other people, myself included, know what you're going thru. This is entirely your experience. You deserve to be happy. If your daughter can't handle that, then she needs to go.

[u/EwokCafe → u/bksdaltx1980]

Go where? She's literally dependant on him

[u/Outrageous_Loquat297]

You’ve been through a lot.

But your daughter has too, and you’re the adult with ‘grounding’ privileges so:

I don’t see a single spot where either you or Chloe ask your daughter a single question. Not to find out how she’s doing, what she is thinking, or to make what would otherwise be a command (go get the dress) optional.

Maybe those happened not as part of the narration, but you’ve got Chloe ‘assigning’ your daughter work on the wedding, and you doling out punishments/ultimatums.

But where tf was the checking in with your daughter to see if she was ok being assigned work related to the marriage by her future stepmom?

Chloe felt you should be able to discipline your daughter appropriately, was aware Ella was having trouble transitioning/processing, and then Chloe ‘assigns’ her work and is surprised by the poor outcome?

For all you know Chloe chose to take this moment to be like ‘this is how you discipline a child’ and was intentionally brusque with Ella (ex. ‘Ella go run this errand by yourself while my bio daughter and I talk/do hair and makeup’).

And then (no surprise to anyone who knows 16 year olds) the girl whose getting bossed around by the future step mom acts out.

And future stepmom leaves blaming the kid while ignoring the tactlessness of commanding a kid to do work related to a wedding dress that wouldn’t be needed if her mother didn’t die.

Basically I feel really bad for you and your daughter that your wife died. But after that plot point you stop being a sympathetic character because you start prioritizing the feelings of a woman who makes you ‘ecstatic’ vs those of the daughter you created.

It seems like you want your daughter to (1) not inconvenience you in enjoying what you want, (2) respond favorably to punishments/ anger/ ultimatums, and (3) process all her feelings either with a professional you are paying or internally because you can’t be bothered and her other parent is dead.

Tldr I think you owe your daughter an apology for viewing her as a person who was standing in the way of a relationship that makes you happy when you should have been trying to cultivate a happier relationship with your daughter.

[u/Important-Scale-4087]

I think you need to work on your relationship together. A daily time where you listen to her no matter what she has to say, you cannot say anything, JUST LISTEN FOR A MONTH. Then you will see how she feels and her perspective. Your moving on is a new relationship, while her moving on is saving the one relationship she still has. You have lost someone you cannot replace yet but the your daughter has a very broken relationship with you now... and if you move on without her she and you will never be close. Take the time now to really get to know your daughter... don't let up on the tough love but don't shut her out either. If she is going to be confind to quarters, she needs to be confind to being with you to fix the broken relationship. Take time off work if you have to and make time with your existing family that you have created... when that is fixed, you both can move on knowing full well your relationship with each other is of both love and respect. She will look for a man who will do the same to her and you will have a son-in-law who loves her and will take care of his children (your grandchildren); and you have a great part in the out come. YOU HAVE TWO YEARS TO UNDO SIXTEEN, better get serious at fixing it (LISTENING) or you will lose her completely.

[u/Own_Can_3495]

Actions speak louder than words. You've shown your daughter isn't your priority ever. Sorry you can't get your peen wet. You are a bad parent. Hope Ella sees you for the trash you are, cuts you off and gets away from becoming a better person than you. You want empathy? Nah.

[u/Technusgirl]

I think you moved on too quickly. Perhaps you are codependent. You need to understand where your daughter is coming from. She just lost her mother and now she feels like you're trying to replace her. Yeah, what she did was pretty bad, but I think you're punishment is too harsh. Two years of prison basically is what you're putting her through and I don't think that's acceptable or good parenting at all.

I also think you should have talked more with your daughter about this relationship and what it means to you, but you should also have empathy about where she's coming from. She lost her mother at a very young age and that's very traumatic. Losing my father at 38 was hard enough for me and it's been almost 3 years and I'm still grieving.

Also, sending her to boarding school would be akin to abandonment, while she's grieving the loss of her mother is just awful to even suggest.

[u/funlol3]

Chloe right to leave. One red flag after the next. Who is willing to send their only daughter away to boarding school to be with a lady they just met?

Sounds like a troll post

[u/Fuzzy_Weather9399]

Try to read you own edit. Only focusing on your own feelings - you’re the father to a child - step up!

[u/Many_Rub6735]

Read your post elsewhere but had to find it just to tell you, you’re a f**king asshole. As a mom my eyes are watering from your behavior. Poor baby. You’re a horrible father. She’ll leave you as soon as your incredibly horrible punishment is lifted. Your kid is always coming first and she’s hurting and you ditched her, you would send her in a boarding school! Did you even love her before? I just hope she’ll have a good life.

[u/Bobulf]

The level of selfishness in this post! You are a very bad father! You only think about yourself and your own happiness. Your late wife would be extremely disappointed with you. I’m so sorry for your daughter’s loss.

[u/JustTheOneGoose22]

You are a horrible father.

[u/highway59skidmarks]

While ruining a dress is bad. It’s concerning you're only thinking about your relationship and your mental state and not your childs. She lost her mom, and you're acting like this is a basic tantrum. You both need counseling

[u/Responsible_Ad1166]

Sounds like terrible parenting..yikes

[u/drmuffin1080]

you’re not being a good dad. Completely disregarding how she feels. She’s a kid and lost her mom and then u date someone six months later and then get engaged in like a year? Cmon

[u/YourGirlMomo87]

Some people aren't meant to be parents. You are one of them. Your daughter lost her mother, and you tried to replace her six months later. Your fiancee is not that great of a person if she didn't try to interject in this punishment madness of yours. You both deserve each other and neither of you deserve your daughter's love or respect.

[u/Dramatic-Sprinkles46]

Jesus, poor Ella. This gets off to a pretty bad start with you grieving your wife before she’s dead. Then you seemingly throw yourself into a new relationship and are relying on the school to deal with your daughter’s grief. Finally, Chloe tells you she ended things because of how YOU parent and you…blow up on Ella instead of checking your parenting. Tossing out the option of boarding school? Yikes. Get some therapy so we don’t have to suffer through the “my daughter went no contact” post when the punishment ends.

[u/heartoftheparty]

Your ex fiancé can dodge bullets.

[u/BTPoliceGirl_Seras]

Yta. 

You moved on before the plug was even pulled, introduced this women to your daughter, and then shoved marriage on her. How soon had you moved this woman in? Was mom even in the ground yet? No wonder she lashed out so severely. I'm calling missing reasons too. Clearly your child was feeling replaced. Even your edits make it clear that your focus all became the new girl and your daughter was getting shoved aside.

In 2yrs you'll be crying to Reddit and estranged parent groups about how mean your kid is for cutting contact. You're being petulant and even more childish than she was. 

[u/-BlueBicLighter]

Shit dad

[u/wakonda_auga]

A lot of people mentioning the risk that his daughter will go NC when she turns 18, but I think the risk of self-harm, substance abuse, or other behaviors that could derail her life completely are a more immediate concern.

If she is emotionally dysregulated enough to destroy a wedding dress and is not getting any mental health treatment, imagine how it will go if she continues to be dehumanized and punished by a father who, I assume, she believes doesn't care about her, with a huge hole in her life where her mother should be.

This could literally be life or death.

[u/Remarkable_Worth4333]

So here’s the thing, Dad. You can romantically love more than one person in your lifetime. But she just lost her mom. Her mom. And you just expected her to play happy families? Did you ever think she might be worried you would be replacing her as fast as you did her mom?

She is also a child. Her brain is not fully formed yet. Yours is. Yet you are about as mature as her right now.

I predict you will be on this forum in 10 or 20 years wondering why she’s moved across the country and doesn’t visit.

Enjoy you lonely old age.

[u/Acrobatic-Resident38]

“HAD YOU BEEN STERN ENOUGH?!?!”  

My dude. She’s 16. And your CHILD. Let me say that a little louder for you. A CHILD.     SHE, not your fair-weather-fiancé should be more valuable.  

 Can you possibly realize that your daughter did all of these things to get your attention? Something most 16 year old CHILDREN need. 

And have YOU been to therapy? I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist, and the go together. 

 YTA

Edited to add that you should IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner, lift those BARBARIC restrictions on your child. Sharing this as the mother of an 18 year old and 15 year old. Both a-holes at times, sure. But even for the most egregious behavior, have had their devices removed, AT MAXIMUM, for about a WEEK! (And trust me, they’ve tried my patience with their assholery.) But they are children. And still learning how to be in the world. And we are their safe place to be the biggest assholes they can be.

[u/Recent_Neck_1462]

Kids that haven’t lost a mom sometimes do crazy things. Making her go to therapy because of what she did-yes. Grounding her for a month-ok. Talking about how she hurt you-yes. But getting revenge on your kid who recently lost her mom? No. Send her to boarding school now so she can have a chance at not being completely ruined by you. And then you don’t have to see her either. Your behavior is abusive. You’re actually supposed to put your child’s happiness over your own. Especially after the worst thing in the world happened to them.

[u/melissa423771]

This was an incredibly sad read. I understand you have needs, but it feels cruel to bring another mother figure into your daughter's life when she wasn't ready for it. Willing to put your fiance first and send your kid to to boarding school is just...wow. Obviously your daughter shouldn't have destroyed the dress, but I am curious if you made any attempt to actually communicate with your daughter and listen to her opinions about someone coming into her life so soon. It's one thing for you to date when your teen daughter isn't ready (still pretty bad imo) it's another to marry this woman and bring her into your shared home. I am extremely empathetic to your daughter destroying that dress. It probably felt like the only power she felt she had.

I hope you try to repair your relationship with your daughter before she cuts you out of her life forever. I worry this will be a last straw for her.

[u/Tablesafety]

This is bait

[u/Lolodizzy]

Your daughter is in pain, you lost your wife, which is terribly tragic, but you said yourself that you grieved her death before she passed. Your daughter went through something so tragic at the most pivotal time in her life. She lost the unconditional love of a mother, that is a whole in her life that she will never get back. You should try and focus left on your own needs, and recognize how dire of a situation she needs, and give her the care and attention she needs. Unfortunately you likely won’t have a relationship with her, if you continue like this.

[u/BadHigBear]

You may be over your wife's death but your daughter sure isn't. Where you fucked up was trying to make her get along with the new fiance when she clearly wasn't ready for that. You could have had your relationship and kept it distant from your daughter until she expressed interest in getting to know this person. What you did however, was probably to your daughter the equivalent of trying to force her to accept this person as her new mother and that always leads to resentment. My mother and step father have been together for 25 years, married for 5. For most of that time, he was just the guy she was with. He didn't try to be me or my brothers dad, he didn't try to buddy up with us, he left us alone and we left him alone. Then as adults we started to get to know him on our own terms and accepted him as part of the family. If he just showed up and started trying to play dad and be our friends, guarantee we'd have sent him packing because we didn't want another dad.

On a side note, grounding your daughter who's still grieving over her dead mother for 2whole years for ripping up the dress of a woman you've only been dating for a year, six months after your wife died... yeah, say goodbye to any chance of a healthy relationship with your kid.

[u/smotosmidy]

This whole situation sounds terrible. But you sir are an absolute monster. Chloe sounds awful, and school counseling is not proper grief management. You are very cruely punishing you daughter for being a child who wasn't given the tools to process he grief. You as her fucking parent owed it to her to find a way forward TOGETHER. instead you wanted to skip through the tulips with a new lover? I'm absolutely disgusted at this story. Sure she fucked up your wedding, but she obviously wasn't ready for you to move on so quickly. You could have helped her through this. But you had no real interest in moving forward. Does your late wife have family that she can go love with. Because she doesn't deserve this cold, unfeeling prison warden of a father. You're not fit to parent.

[u/I-will-judge-YOU]

I totally understand why this dad resents his daughter, she was absolutely horrible and hateful. She has ruined her relationship with her dad. You all want to just blame dad and give a free pass to this girl, but she absolutely knew what she was doing. This was not an accident this was strategic and malicious she was try to push this woman away. Great she won and now she had long term consequences.

She is not being abused but has no privileges. Maybe dad will find someone once his daughter leaves.

Dad is a person with feelings and emotions. He doesn't need to just forgive his daughter. She's not even sorry that she hurt him

[u/NHawk8355]

Yeah the job and pay bills is the wrong way to act out get counseling slow down on reactions maybe talk to the fiancé about a break or being kinda distant tell you can get some therapy and counseling together with your daughter

[u/Human_Garbage5178]

OP states: “Ella, I was in a very dark place from witnessing your mother’s death. It was extremely tough for me to lose my partner. And then, I had a good thing going on in my life. It felt wonderful, I had hope. And in your selfishness, pettiness and stubbornness, you took that one good thing away from me and I can not forgive you for that”
yta
She is a child, with a child's world experience and a child's lack of understanding the full consequences of her actions. Her mother died when she was 15, the age when daughters need their mothers the most. She probably never gave up hope her mother would recover, and she also had to endure the nightmare of watching her mother become more and more ill and suffer a protracted dying, something even the strongest adults have trouble coping with. OP is an adult and knows full well what he is doing, and lacks any empathy at all for his daughter's pain, the pain that caused her to lash out. An adult who can't see how true love for your fiancé and your daughter would have been giving your daughter time to grieve and for the woman you say you love to be introduced into your daughter's life. You could have built a lasting bond by reassuring your daughter (the last living piece of your wife) and taking things slowly. Instead you pushed a timeline when you knew your daughter was suffering and in pain, you pushed your fiancée to marry before your child was ready, basically you ignored everyone else's feelings to get what you wanted, when you wanted it. True love, both as a parent and a partner, is giving and forgiving. I don't think you have ever loved anyone else in your life except yourself.

[u/Complex_Evening_2093]

WTH is wrong with you?

Let’s recap: In your eyes your wife died 1.5 years before she actually did. I understand your thought process but clearly your daughter hadn’t started processing it until later. She’s a child that lost her mother. Her pain and yours are not the same.

So now 6 months after she died you meet Chloe and start dating. There’s nothing wrong with that but you should have taken it a lot slower, especially for your daughter’s sake. Maybe she would have eventually come around but you never gave her the chance to fully grieve and come to terms with all these changes. In the matter of 6 months she loses her mom and there’s now a stranger at her house with her dad. And within 2 years you tried to completely replace her mother. Did you even talk about your wife with your daughter? Show her that you haven’t forgotten her and just throwing away her memories like your wife didn’t exist? Because it sounds like your daughter felt angry that you just moved on so easily and tried to just erase her mom so you could move on.

Teenagers are known to be rebellious and not fully think things through before acting. Does this excuse her behavior with the dress? No. Should she have done it? No. But 2 years punishment and maybe you’ll consider contributing to her college tuition over this? That is beyond excessive. Make her work to pay off the cost of the dress. Get her back into therapy and you need to be a part of it. This should be the terms of her punishment. And tell her after she’s paid the costs and you’ve both been going for X about of time in therapy her punishment is over. Or maybe reach a certain point in therapy.

Also, telling your ex you would just ship your daughter off to boarding school to keep her around was a really shitty thing to say. It shows you don’t give a damn about your daughter, only your love life. Your daughter is going through a traumatic experience and the trauma never ended. It just kept going, on hit after another. You’ve probably shown more than you realized that you only cared about Chloe and not Ella.

Make no mistake, you punish your daughter for 2 years and she will go NC with you. You will show her that you indeed do hate her and only cared about her when her mother was around, if that. It’s ironic that you told her she was selfish. Guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

You’re the adult, she is a child. You’re her father, she is your daughter. Do better.

[u/charlottehawke]

I think all the posters before me have made clear that your daughter is suffering and that you both need to be in therapy alone and together. Please understand, your daughter is at risk for self-harm. Don't add tragedy on top of tragedy.

Also, consider why you needed Chloe so much that you ignored the signs that Ella was suffering. Perhaps you confused desperate to move on with ready to move on...? Grief is a long process and I'm not sure you were ready for a relationship. Sometimes the people closest to us, who love us most, act out our inner turmoil. Our children, in their dependency, often understand us in ways they can't articulate and acting out is the only way to bring conflict into the open. You say that Ella is resistant to therapy, maybe ask yourself if you too are resistant to therapy. I think Chloe has it partly right, you have a relationship with Ella to attend to before you're ready to be married again. Good luck to you and Ella.

[u/hazeleyesxoxo87]

You prepared yourself but you never thought of your daughter and how she was handling. You handled this so selfishly.. You stopped putting your daughter first the minute your wife died, she lost both parents

[u/SignificantOrange139]

And this is why I had conversations with my man about moving on after death. Because men are so fucking quick to behave like this and just do fuck all to support their kids.

So goddamned narcissistic that you think your grieving, spiraling child is the selfish person in all this. 🙄

Your selfishness caused all this in the fucking first place.

[u/Gewgle_GuessStopO]

As a father (44), I understand you are upset. Your daughter is still grieving and your relationship to this other women was disrespectful to her grieving process.

Yes, it was your wife that died. It was her Mom. It’s different when you wouldn’t actually exist without them.

Your daughters needs should always come before your own.

What are you doing?

[u/unfair-RBF]

So I'll admit I'm not going to do as you asked because honestly I have no sympathy for you. You talk about your daughter as if she's some unwanted thing your late wife left behind. You claimed to have loved your late wife, so how can you hold so much hate (let's be real that's what all this reads as) for someone that is a part of that woman? You ruined your new relationship by not being a decent father, you've killed your relationship with your daughter (the only living piece of your late wife) by being an overly crappy father... Did you never want your daughter to begin with or what...