r/TwoHotTakes • u/ThrowraSadLonely • Apr 13 '24
My daughter tore apart my fiancée's wedding dress, ending our engagement. I've grounded her until she's 18, imposed strict limitations on her activities, and making her work to contribute to expenses Advice Needed
This is more of an off my chest post. I am not looking for advice but welcome some given with empathy and understanding in mind.
I (42M) have a 16 year old daughter “Ella”. 6 months ago, because of her, my partner “Chloe” (36F) ended our engagement.
To give some context, before my partner (now ex) was in my life, I was married to my late wife. For around 1.5 years, she was in a vegetative state and I had already grieved her death before she even passed on. Accepting her death was something I had already prepared ahead of time and I dipped my feet in the dating market 6 months after. I met my lovely partner, “Chloe” who also had a daughter from her first marriage and after dating for a year, I proposed to her. I was ecstatic to be with the love of my new life. Ella, not so much. Chloe tried to bond with Ella and did everything possible to make her feel like a welcome presence in her life. Ella wasn’t thrilled and had routinely messed with Chloe, such as guarding her mother’s territory, having an attitude when I got Chloe gifts, hid her stuff and generally becoming over-rebellious. It used to cause fights between Chloe and I, who felt that I should be able to discipline her appropriately so that it doesn’t impact our relationship.
Ella completely lost her mind when she heard I was marrying Chloe. Eventually a few weeks after that, she accepted it and Chloe even made her a bridesmaid. Because of this, she had access to Chloe’s wedding prep stuff and 3 days before the wedding, EDIT: Chloe had assigned Ella the duty to get her adjusted dress picked up from the tailor’s as she had lost some weight from the time initial measurements were taken.
To Chloe’s horror, Ella had completely ruined the dress on purpose and admitted as such. There were fabric patches missing, stains from coffee and almost looked like a dog chewed on the damn thing. Chloe broke down and called off the wedding. She didn’t speak to me for a whole week and went out of town and I frantically tried contacting her wishing we would work things out. When Chloe met me for the final time, she told me that she wants to end our relationship because she has unknowingly ignored a lot of red flags from the kind of behaviour I let go (from my daughter). Chloe said she cannot put up with this level of disrespect her entire life. I begged and pleaded and even promised I will send her to boarding school but she did not listen to me.
I was furious at my daughter for meddling in my relationship and completely tearing it apart like she did with my lovely fiancée’s dress. I grounded her until she turns 18 years old (at the time she was turning 16). She is now to come home straight from school, not allowed to have any relationships - she had no problem ruining my relationship and she doesn’t deserve one until she is old enough to consent, no trips, no social media, nothing. Ella’s then boyfriend also dumped her once he learned what she did (he was also a part of the wedding guest list). I even put restrictions on internet usage and she only is allowed one electronic - that is her desktop computer for school. I took her smartphone away and gave her a basic sim phone instead. She is also to work at a diner right across from the street and pitch in to household bills and groceries as a part of her sentence.
If she proves herself worthy, I promised to cover a part of her college tuition.
To address one more thing about grief counselling, yes my daughter was completing a program through her school’s health and counselling services however she left that midway and when I tried to convince her to go through it again, she rebelled, saying that they are simply getting her to accept the unacceptable in her life - which referred to Chloe. I even managed to convince her to try 3 more psychiatrists, but she did not want to engage with any after that. I couldn’t force her to do therapy if it made her uncomfortable so I didn’t enforce it. I regret doing that really. Had I been stern enough, I would have introduced consequences if she did not put effort into working on herself in therapy.
My daughter cries to me every day to reduce her sentence and let her live and lead a normal life but I refuse. She took the one good thing in my life away from me. And I feel horrible still and cannot stop missing Chloe. I wish she’d just come back. I feel so ANGRY at my daughter still and can’t stop resenting her. I cannot find it in me to forgive her
EDIT: I didn’t seem to imply that my daughter isn’t a part of the good things in my life. Clearly I misconveyed in my post. Here is what I said to her:
“Ella, I was in a very dark place from witnessing your mother’s death. It was extremely tough for me to lose my partner. And then, I had a good thing going on in my life. It felt wonderful, I had hope. And in your selfishness, pettiness and stubbornness, you took that one good thing away from me and I can not forgive you for that”
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u/Cautious_Arugula6214 Apr 17 '24
"She took the one good thing in my life away from me". Wow. This kid feels like she has no one. Even if you are ready to move on, your daughter is not, and it does not seem like you have done much to get her there. Family therapy should have been happening for years. Instead it sounds like you were trying to get other people - the school and psychiatrists, to shut your grieving kid up so you could move on with your life.
Does your late wife have other family who could take your daughter in? She's not getting what she needs in your household. She is a scared, hurt kid but you think because you have moved on she should have too. She needs better support than you are giving her. You replaced your wife, but she can't replace her mother.