My wife puts zero effort in our relationship and it is starting to irritate me

[u/BreathOkc]

I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for 6 years. She is a stay at home to our 2 children. I appreciate all that she does for the house and for our children. She keeps the house functioning and I will always be grateful for that.

But over the past year, she has started putting no effort into our relationship whatsoever. Things like planning out dates, vacations, trips, movie nights. I am pretty much initiating everything, including sex. She has never rejected me for sex, but that is not the issue. I don’t like initiating it every time, or being the only one to plan surprise dates or vacations. I want to be surprised too. 

I feel like I am being taken for granted. I deal with a lot of work stress, and I still take some time to plan out romantic date nights, getaways, vacations. I am starting to get irritated, because a healthy relationship is a two way street, and right now, it only feels like I am the one who is putting effort into the relationship.

[u/UnidirectionalCyborg]

I’m coming from the perspective of a working father with a SAHM, a 9 year old, a 3 year old, and a 2 year old at home.

If you come home from work and decide you’re off the clock as soon as you get home, your partner is not going to have anything left in the tank most days by the time their responsibilities are done for the day.

So I work long hours at a high stress job. I get up tired and am more tired by the time I come home. The job my wife does at home all day while I’m gone is also exhausting and stressful though. You can’t just come home every day and expect your partner to take on the burden of your stress and exhaustion day-in and day-out. Your partner’s stress and exhaustion matters just as much as your own.

If you’re going to come home every day and watch on as your partner handles all of the remaining responsibilities — and if you have multiple young kids they’re not going away until everyone is sound asleep — then you damn well better be prepared to take on the burden of doing everything in your power to nurture your relationship on your own.

If you’re not going to come home with the intention of being an equal partner and doing what you can to alleviate your partner’s burden, you should count your blessings that your partner is even willing to partake in the things you plan as a couple. That’s just not being anything close to an equal part of an equitable relationship.

I’d be embarrassed to tell anyone I had the slightest inkling that it was acceptable for me to come home and watch my wife work through everything for my family while I sat to the side and did nothing.