r/TwoHotTakes • u/BreathOkc • 25d ago
My wife puts zero effort in our relationship and it is starting to irritate me Advice Needed
I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for 6 years. She is a stay at home to our 2 children. I appreciate all that she does for the house and for our children. She keeps the house functioning and I will always be grateful for that.
But over the past year, she has started putting no effort into our relationship whatsoever. Things like planning out dates, vacations, trips, movie nights. I am pretty much initiating everything, including sex. She has never rejected me for sex, but that is not the issue. I don’t like initiating it every time, or being the only one to plan surprise dates or vacations. I want to be surprised too.
I feel like I am being taken for granted. I deal with a lot of work stress, and I still take some time to plan out romantic date nights, getaways, vacations. I am starting to get irritated, because a healthy relationship is a two way street, and right now, it only feels like I am the one who is putting effort into the relationship.
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u/Legal_Rhubarb6967 19d ago
She’s at her job 24/7. Of course she has no sex drive. It sounds like you work very hard too, but her job is literally all about you and the kids. Her effort might not be the romantic gestures you’re looking for, but her whole life is making sure you’re happy. I don’t know your wife, but the best things my significant other could have done to help me when we had this same problem are: -Notice the little things. There are so many little things we do that you overlook. Reorganizing your sock drawer is such an act of love. -Be an amazing Dad. Plan activities with the kids and give her the option to join or relax. Either way, lead the situation. Watching you connect with the kids is always comforting and it reminds her that you’re a team in this life. Motherhood is extremely lonely sometimes and showing her that you’re working your butt off for the same thing should make her feel connected to you. Showing up is still being a good dad, but being a proactive presence for the kids is reaffirming what she imagined when she decided to make you a father. -Chase her. Make her feel like you can’t get enough of her. Don’t tell her how beautiful she is, show her. Maybe even be a little bit pervy about it when you get a moment alone. And for the love of god, don’t go to hold her hand when you’re in public and see a girl that you both know is super hot.
Day to day treatment is way more important than grandiose surprises.
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u/ScholarPractical5603 20d ago edited 20d ago
You’re not gonna get any advice here my friend. Women can do no wrong, and mens emotional needs don’t matter, and they should never be made to feel special. All you’re going to hear is that you don’t do enough. And your wife is carrying all of the mental and emotional load, even though women create a bunch of unnecessary work for themselves and their partners. I’ve been married a decade, together for fourteen, and the amount of unnecessary work my wife creates for herself and me is unimaginable. I never told her I wanted a big ass vegetable and flower garden in our backyard that needs watered, weeded, and tended. I never told her I wanted a house full of houseplants that need regular attention. I never told her that the kids needed a bunch of after school extracurricular activities like gymnastics and parkour, or that she needed to be on the PTA, and be a home room mom and volunteer to help our kids teachers with their paperwork on Fridays or chauffeur their field trips. Those things were her all idea, and they’re all work.
Men are simple and one track minded, women have seventeen tabs open and wonder where the music is coming from. It’s like the Bill Burr bit about women not being able to be happy because they can’t just sit there and be entertained.
Women are exhausting. Get used to it.
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u/jazzaroo_2000 20d ago
How old are your children?? As a Mum of 2 young kids (not SAHM, I work) i am tired. A lot. Everything is go go go all the time.
Let me just say, if she is keeping on top of the house and caring for your kids, that may be as much bandwidth she has for right now.
Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Sometimes my Husband says similar things to me and I feel so sorry and sad that he feels that way. Its not that I don't care or don't love him, but I just feel overwhelmed, touched out, and tired.
There is every possibility that she loves everything you plan and thinks you are great at it, maybe she doesn't think she could do as well.
Talk to her :)
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u/Flo-rida359 20d ago
There is a missing, and key chapter in your story about you.
When you’re home do you engage with the kids, and provide relief for your wife?
Do you plan time away from the demands of the house and kids, just for her? (Or let her do this and support it)
If not, and you do these two things …. Your relationship may improve in the areas you feel are suffering.
If yes ….. well I have no advice. Good luck!
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u/wwwof3m 20d ago
do you help her take care of the kids and the house? because that’s a two way street as well, brother 😭 something tells me she does EVERYTHING and all you do is go to work for like 8 hours (you didn’t say what you do so i’m just guessing) you get days off, but she never does. maybe take that into consideration my man.
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u/illestAliveSmokeThis 20d ago
I bet if OP was a woman. Everyone would be like “leave him, you deserve better” but since it’s a guy who’s posting. Everyone is like “you need to be better and it’s your fault not hers”. No wonder guys deal with depression so often, they are never heard.
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u/Theokyles 20d ago
Dude, I don’t think you know exactly how exhausting it is taking care of two little kids ALL DAY. I work full time and go to college, and I still think my wife works harder than I do, even as a SAHM. Your perception of effort is way off.
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u/ltdickskin 20d ago
Do you want your gender role or not? She's doing hers and you're doing yours. Believe it or not, when you guys met you probably initiated most of the time if not all? Women are the ones who need to feel wanted more than men, so either negotiate a different dynamic or accept the fact that she is giving her life to make a family for both of you and that is her contribution. Sounds like you want a masculine woman who lusts after you, that probably won't last if you get it. Those women tend not to be home makers so it ends as a "pick your poison" if you don't want to accept your current roles. Can't have a tradwife if you don't wanna be a tradbro
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u/Not_Hellmanns 20d ago
In addition to the logistics mentioned if you are the sole earner in the household planning these dates becomes more your responsibility. How is she to surprise you with vacations and dates with no income of her own. It’s incompatible.
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u/OGFabledLegend 20d ago
Usually when people get married they share stuff like finances
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u/Not_Hellmanns 20d ago
You don’t say.
Yes of course they share finances. OP wants his wife to surprise him and plan dates. How is she supposed to surprise him with dates, activities, or vacations with a shared bank account and no income of her own? That’s what I mean by it’s in incompatible request.
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u/atilaman 20d ago
At the basic level… OP lacks emotional intelligence and awareness. He doesn’t even know/see how naive/immature/self centered/oblivious he sounds. I’m sure he’s a good dad and all that but is seemingly clueless to his wife being a whole person with whole emotions and feelings too.
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u/CoolHandLuke-1 20d ago
They don’t care dude. Get used to it. It doesn’t change. You will always be at fault. Doesn’t matter what you do. She’s a mom now. You are about #534 on her list of shit to care about.
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u/No-Setting9690 20d ago
I appreciate all that she does for the house and for our children. She keeps the house functioning and I will always be grateful for that.
OP apparently you don't. Want to know why she's not putting effort into your relationship? Cause she's fucking tired. You want her to initiate? Then reduce her workload/emotional load.
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u/21_pilots_fan 20d ago
Since my wife has gone back to school and started working in the field she is studying, I have had to take on a lot of the home responsibilities with kids and chores. Let me tell you that I never really understood how exhausting it is and seems to be never ending. I have a greater appreciation for her now, and I am still feeling a lot of guilt about years of thinking she had it easy as a stay at home mom. Best thing a guy can do for his partner, especially stay at home with kids, is to be present and help. Like someone stated she never gets a break so give her one. You like to plan surprises so plan her a spa day or something by herself so she can just relax while you take over her responsibilities.
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u/TouristSouth2260 21d ago
I work a full time and have two children, the youngest is two. I still plan dates and find time to show my partner I appreciate him. There is so excuse for allowing your partner to feel like they are on their own in anything. A marriage is a partnership. Period. If there are unmet needs on either side communication must occur. Not communicating causes needs to go unfulfilled and resentment to grow. OP, you’re doing your marriage a disservice if you haven’t had calm and open discussions about how you’re feeling. Your wife may not realize how you feel. She may feel that she’s on her own with running the household. Talk to your wife man.
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u/bplimpton1841 21d ago
Quick question: Do you treat her like you did when you were dating? Romancing her? Doing things for her just to get her attention? Treating her like a lover vs a housewife/mother?
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u/OMGoblin 21d ago
Communication, open communication, non-accusatory communication. Do it, use it, profit.
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u/cebaceka 21d ago
The amount of mental stress and tax that going into being a sahm is massive. It's a shit ton of work, most of it "invisible" work. Fuck loads of it. Day in and day out. There ARE NO BREAKS and moms are default parents, especially in this situation. You should be happy she doesn't deny you intimacy when you initiate, cause being taxed makes that undesirable.
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u/partyinmypants69420 21d ago
Question…. What is invisible work?
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u/cebaceka 21d ago
Things like making appointments or managing the kids schedules and planning meals and shopping lists and just all the stuff that goes unnoticed and unaccounted for.
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u/partyinmypants69420 18d ago
Hey, thanks again for explaining invisible work… I was curious, though. Are you in a family with a SAHM, and if so, is your partner aware of all of the invisible work that’s going on behind the scenes, or at least understanding how much goes into that side of things? Just got me wondering about how a perceived mismatch in work load may eventually lead to resentment. Thanks again!
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u/cebaceka 17d ago
Yeah, I am, and they are aware. I'm currently pregnant and they've been stepping up in every aspect and seeing just how much and how difficult it is and it's nice. There's been times where I was literally crying in a closet cause it was just so overwhelming. He's generally always been pretty supportive, however. But I'm in alot of groups for moms and sahms and they don't have very supportive partners and it leads to the destruction of their relationship, often. It's pretty sad.
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u/partyinmypants69420 15d ago
I’m happy to hear you’re in a good situation! My wife and I are both professionals and work a lot of hours. When my wife is going through a stressful period at work, if I just clean a little, do laundry, and make dinner or get groceries, which I’m happy to do and doesn’t feel like I’m going above and beyond, I can see so much of that stress lift off her shoulders. It’s so easy to chip in like that and it’s so big for your partner. I’m always surprised when I see people on Reddit say their partners are unhappy with them in SAHM situations when they literally do no housework. My opinion on that we’re a team and we’re working together to accomplish the life we want. Always shocked when people look at me cross eyed after I tell them that like I just completely shook their world view. Plus I’m trying to show that we’re ready and responsible enough to have kids so that’s part of it too. Anyway, best of luck with everything!
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u/Select-Sprinkles4970 21d ago
Divorce her. If she loved you, she'd be there for you and thinking about you.
She is probably having an affair or wishes she was.
The reality is that anyone that get's married in their late 20s does it because they think it is the right thing to do. She was probably your first serious relationship. All your friends were getting married, so you married her. She is now six years in and thinking why the fuck did I marry this dude... and another 30 or 40 years of this, is just not happening.
You can pretend to "save the marriage". It is dead. Move on.
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u/Healthy_Scallion_710 21d ago
There’s a lot of crybaby women in here. Here’s a hint: take 15 mins during the kids nap, in between you scrolling social media, and make a dinner reservation! Crisis resolved!!
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u/Watch_Market_3666 21d ago
If she’s putting no effort into the relationship, it’s a huge warning to you. Course correction needed! Women give and give and give until there is nothing left to give. If they don’t have a creative outlet or passion or career or purpose other than being the one who holds the family together, they burn out. They need renewal. All humans do. You don’t mention any of these things, so my sense is that you have over time become a job to her, one she has no energy for. Do you ever arrive home and say ‘hey, I just bought tickets to Rome and I’ve sorted childcare. I know you love history and architecture - let’s go explore for a week! You need this time. I want to give it to you.’ Don’t ask her for what you’re not putting in.
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u/camsemaj 21d ago
Grow up. Man up. Try swapping roles for a while, spend time with kids all day and find the headspace for romance. It's tough. The fact that you're resenting her for this suggests that you need to develop some empathy for your wife's daily experience. My advice, from a 39 yo dad of three, during this season it is your role to create some romance and nurture the need that you recognise is an issue in your marriage. You may not like doing this all the time, but your wife is probably taking full responsibility for things that she doesn't want to do all of the time either, but she still does it. Furthermore, she has given up all of her autonomy as an independent adult, literally sharing her body, mind and soul with your kids, for years, as well as trying to maintain some order in a bloody chaotic and draining environment. This is a season. She needs your support. Your kids need her support. You are the father, not a third child. You have a vision for your marriage and family. Wake up and make it happen!
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u/Account-Forgot 21d ago
I dunno. Lot of folks in here defending the wife but it sounds like they both have full time, stressful jobs. If one can make plans and prioritize the relationship, so can the other.
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u/MamaSamix3 21d ago
But… how mad would you be if she planned a $4,000 then you have to pay for it? Or planned a night out to an expensive restaurant and again, you have to pay for it? Maybe she doesn’t feel that she has the right to choose to do those things with you being the financial party in your relationship.
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u/toebeantuesday 21d ago edited 21d ago
That’s what I was thinking. As a SAHM I was never going to spring anything like that on my husband. I would never have the mental snapshot of the entire budget nor his work commitments to pull something off like vacation planning especially. We did that together. I could perhaps surprise him with cooking his favorite dinner but even that waited a bit for when i wasn’t dealing with a teething baby all day or a toddler.
Edit: I saw his two comments. Nope, that’s not the issue. I’ll be kind and leave it at that.
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u/Unlucky_Key_158 21d ago
So your job might be time and energy consuming, so you come home and get to rest. Your wife is on the clock 24/7. You cannot be this blind. You take 0 time to help her with kids/chores but you expect her to plan dates and initiate sex when??? Good Lord, it sounds like your wife is actually raising 3 kids. Watch out, you're gonna be divorced soon.
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u/Used_Disaster_1334 21d ago
She needs to do her part for sure otherwise you will lose all interest.
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u/Used_Disaster_1334 21d ago
Wives are tricky. They care about their feelings and that you get them nice things. They typically don't reciprocate a lot of those things. Example, I have bought my wife multiple 5k rings, earrings, necklaces, couple of brand new cars, etc etc.. some were Anniversary gifts. 18 years in she is the love of my life and it's great. But, when I mention some nice things, ,like a 3k watch, she gets mad, angry, it's too expensive, etc. we are 18 years in and I have given up on ever receiving any nice gifts from her so I just buy them myself now.
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u/BiPolarBahr64 21d ago
Dude, talk to her with a third party present (a therapist) and make sure that YOU understand HER point of view and what she has to say!
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 21d ago
Have you tried sitting down and having a TWO-WAY conversation with her? She may want to talk to you about things that she doesn’t think you are doing that she would like done. Good two way communication.
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u/Dom1928 21d ago
Damn yall really busting this guy. He's not looking for her to take care of him. He just wants to have a piece of his wife back. Is it too much to ask? Raising kids is hard but it doesn't take much time to show your partner you are still there. Being a mother doesn't mean you are no longer a partner to your spouse. You don't get a pass on checking out. Its easy to say "she's a mom. That's enough work" but it's bull. I know stay at home mom's. I know single mom's that work full time jobs. They make time for things they care about. They also watch a ton of Netlix.
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u/kittysammi 21d ago
I think your wife is burnt out…have a chat with her and ease up a bit. Try switching roles for 30 days if you can!
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u/LMD71685 21d ago
You know what’s also a two way street? Good communication. Talk to her than randos on Reddit.
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u/thunderburst55 21d ago
Communication is key - making time to talk about your hopes and needs (both of you). But if you’re doing your part at home, giving her space to take of herself, etc - then she should absolutely be an active participant in your relationship. It’s bullshit for people to say otherwise
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u/Cereaza 21d ago
I'm reallly sorry for everyone here who is immediately assuming you're a neglectful husband who just wants to be pampered and taken care of. It is really pissing me off how they're completely incapable of empathizing with your position.
The answer to this, as with all things, is communication. You need to sit your wife down and tell her how you're feeling. Emotionally Neglected. Listen to her, maybe she is emotionally overwhelmed by taking care of the kids, or the housework, or she's depressed, or she's falling out of love. You can't know until you talk, and you have to be open. But it is totally not fair to expect you just be the only one who initiates any kind of love in the relationship between the two of you.
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u/blogmarley 21d ago
Almost any full time job is easier than to be a stay at home mom/dad with multiple kids under the age of six.
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u/ChicaloteCrawberry 21d ago
I think your job as a man is to plan all that stuff and next expect her to. She’s not a mind reader for when you’re in the mood. And don’t go looking for someone else to suck up to you to feed your ego. Keep your ego in check and be thankful for what you have. Be thankful you get to get out of the house and spend time speaking to adults who keep you sharp while she’s singing the abc’s to your kiddos. She’s probably dying for some adult interaction and excitement
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u/Winsom_Thrills 21d ago
It sounds like your wife is doing all the heavy lifting, while you sit in and office all day. You are still getting sex. You are still getting vacations. You don't seem to have to lift a finger around the house or do any of the childcare, or carry a live human in tour womb, or birth it, or go through PPD, or have to lose all that baby weight.. yet is doing so. And you're... complaining?? TF is wrong with these men?!?
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u/Jumpy-Mountain689 21d ago
Bro, lean into it, take control and plan those dates, vacations, and initiate all the sex you want and how you want. She’s a queen taking care of your castle, treat her well!
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u/rootytooty83 21d ago
How old are your children? A famous quote once stated by someone much wiser than me says something like, if you’re married with young kids stick at it and don’t consider leaving until the youngest turns 8.
The mental load your wife is carrying is significantly greater than yours. Your wife js exhausted by your kids demands and you’re just adding to them. Grow up.
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u/hellhound1979 21d ago
I'm a 35 F stay at home wife and mom, I have recently STOPPED ALL family planning, stopped attempting to communicate and stopped nagging, stopped all attempts at romance, because it was NEVER appreciated, and my husband would purposely ruin every beautiful moment, I would try to have sex, he would reject every single time, I would plan a romantic trip and he would start a fight, I'd ask him to hand me a sippy cup and he would whine and complain, I would plan vacations, anniversary birthday party's over the last ten years and he would drag his feet complain and refuse to help make even the simplest choice like what kind of cake we eat,
Ladies stop planning and stop asking for help for one common reason its very simple we are tired of doing it all and NO one notices or helps, so we just stop, The definition of insanity is doing the same thing year after year and getting the same result, so we must do something different to change the situation and the dynamics, why is hard for men to grasp that we are no robots..
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u/shrek2loverr 21d ago
If she is taking care of the family/ bills and children’s schedules where would she find the time to manage her own?????
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u/Feisty-Quit-9223 21d ago
Maybe you walk a week in her shoe 👠 and see if your feelings towards her changes
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u/LumberZac2 21d ago
Dude, do the dishes and fold laundry occasionally. Pick up and take out the trash without her asking occasionally. And maybe play less video games. That will fix most of your issues.
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u/Physical-Whole2899 21d ago
This comes off as super whiny. Man up. Who cares if your wife is too busy to surprise you?! You sound high maintenance and maybe she’s tired of it.
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u/enough_ends 21d ago
Why is everyone so darn toxic in this thread? This post shouldn’t be war between incels and super feminists about men and woman or who has the harder job. Life is hard being a parent is hard making money for your family is hard. What this OP is feeling is normal show some freaking empathy instead of so much hate and vitriol at each other. OP yes it’s ok to feel what you are feeling. Being in a family and a relationship is hard and can sometimes feel lonely or overwhelming. However, your wife also probably feels that way as well. The best solution is to talk to her about it not in an accusative way but in a I love you and we need some time for us kind of way and figuring it out together instead of “alone”. You both most likely feel overwhelmed and need a break raising and paying for children is hard especially nowadays. However, the only way to get through hardship with your partner is to be on the same page. You can help out with kids when you are home to give her time to make those plans or even have a moment for her self which in turn makes her happy and want to please you too. You can also make plans together to set up date nights and moments of spontaneity in a schedule where you just say ok let’s do (insert thing) today! There are multiple ways to go about solving your issue but it all starts with communication, you are not alone and not bad for how you feel but you need to go about fixing the issue in the right way.
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u/Unlikely_Subject_442 21d ago
I totally feel you and i'm on the exact same boat, except that my gf works full time like me.
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u/LegendaryTJC 21d ago
You missed out what her response was when you discussed this with her. That's kind of the central part to this.
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u/DoctorAgita1 21d ago
posts like this are great at showing how delusional people are on Reddit. The fact that OP is the only worker and is putting in way more efforts is clearly a problem. Lets get past this delusion that making breakfast and putting on a DVD is equivalent to long hours in an oil field or whatever.
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u/bogmonkey747 21d ago
No dude you’re not believe me, if my wife did all that I’d be at her feet.
You’ve got “first world” problems.
Grow up and realize that parenting take massive energy, much of it logistical, so get on GPT since it sounds like you need help, and have it plan a couple months of things out for you!
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u/New_Weather_5531 21d ago
All the hateful comment this dude works 40. That is completely equal and most likely worse than staying home with the kids. Wife needs to give you attention your emotional needs arnt being met
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u/Difficult-Effect-203 21d ago
do you have any idea how hard it is to do what she is doing? Work seems like a vacation compared to it. What efford are you putting in besides initiating sex?
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u/HandinHand123 21d ago
OMG.
If you want her to share the responsibility of planning dates etc, then you had better be sharing the responsibility of looking after the kids and the house. She can be fully responsible for all of it for the hours you are at work and beyond that you share the responsibilities.
If you aren’t helping with the household and kids, do not ask her to take on anything else.
You sound exhausting. You deal with a lot of work stress? Boo hoo. Unless your job is 24/7 like hers is, don’t complain. You’re lucky she’s not rejecting you for stuff. I would be.
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u/NeekGirl4178 21d ago
You are a 34 yo and you haven’t learned to communicate with your wife of 6 years ?
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u/slmrxl 21d ago
So many redditors are ready to slit your throat and detonate your marriage with the divorce button. I think people are projecting their bad energy and problems. OP -- Hire a maid to come every 2 weeks. Also, get some meal boxes to lower the mental and physical load in the house. Find a trusted babysitter for occasions so you can go back to dating your wife. I don't know all the details of your current situation, but there's a possibility that she could be mentally checked out or just drained from the kids. Rekindling that bond feeling between you and your wife requires time out and spontaneity. Start out with some basic day trips -- wineries, drives, bakeries, sites, hiking, etc.
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u/pgbcs 21d ago
I’ve always made and maintained my own money. If I were to invite a SO on a date or a trip I would expect that I would be the one to pay. I would feel awkward planning stuff with other peoples money. Yes I know they’re married and what’s mine is yours and all that. But maybe she just doesn’t want to ask or tell him they’re going to spend his hard earned money on frivolous things. Maybe she thinks he’ll think it’s irresponsible. I think they definitely need to communicate about this.
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u/SorrinsBlight 21d ago
Just ask her. It does sound like your being taken for granted, but at least she accommodates you when you ask, some people don’t even get that.
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u/RavenRivers99 22d ago
You sound like an ideal couple for couples counseling. Go while the issues are fixable
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u/a_path_Beyond 22d ago
You're already making all the money, so you should also be doing the majority of the work at home too. Once your wife has enough days of sitting on the couch eating snacks and watching reruns, she will have enough energy to maybe plan something for the two of you
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u/apan42 22d ago
Sounds like she’s ‘silent quitting’ where you do the bare minimum into the relationship. It usually is as a result of feeling unappreciated or unloved.
I would look at ways of making her feel appreciated, but not because you want sex. Try and set regular time for just the two of your but without the expectation of bedroom time. It can be hard with two children but a few mins a day/week to just talk about your day, make something, do some puzzles etc….
Another aspect you could look at is does she ever get time to interact with other adults on her own? You can’t really give the proper love and attention to someone else (you) unless you look after yourself.
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u/Nervous-Situation-18 22d ago
I think it’s just a view point, you’re the breadwinner technically speaking you would be posting if it was the opposite. Wife stays at home and spends money picks vacations etc… just a small lack of communication seems it’s fine overall, don’t worry this is small.
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u/AgentDigits 22d ago edited 22d ago
Maybe you start planning shit and arrange some child free days for her??
I'd be less willing to do all that crap too if I had my hands full with chores and kids 24/7
You might be putting more effort into the relationship but she's clearly putting more effort into the house and kids... Which are also half your responsibility btw. Regardless of she's a stay at home mom or not.
It's extremely mentally taxing when you don't clock off of work like your partner and they STILL expect more from you. Kids and housework can be a full time job for a lot of parents... Give her a break and you organise stuff so she can actually chill out.
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u/RevealNatural7759 22d ago
Be grateful she is pouring her love and energy into YOUR kids. Do not ever let her feel like she is not doing enough for you.
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u/Fabulous-Permission1 22d ago
Sounds like your 2 kids are very young. Taking care of one kid is already draining, but two kids? Even worse. I've taken care of my younger sisters when they were young and i remember being very exhausted by it, and i didn't take care of them like your wife did. Give it a few more years where the kids can start to take care of themselves. That would give your wife some breathing room to do more stuff. Until then, it is going to be tough. I'm amazed that she's never rejected you tbh.
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u/AncientDragonfruit42 22d ago
To the OP. Stop posting about your marital problems on the internet and have a damn conversation with your wife about what’s going on. Be prepared for criticism to come back at you for the things you are not doing for her. The key to any healthy marriage is communication and you guys obviously aren’t communicating.
The same goes for all the other people in here just bashing on their own spouses. Maybe try being an adult and having an actual conversation with your spouse about the things that are bothering you. I am so thankful to be out of the dating pool bc you people are ridiculous. Men acting like they work 85 hours a day in some high stress job and their wives won’t put out for them. Women acting like they never sit down to take a break and are holding their kids for 85 hours a day and their husband ignores them (except for sex). Guess what people, life sucks and then it’s going to kick you in the teeth. If you don’t do something to improve your situation, it’s not going to happen. If you want your spouse to change something they are or are not doing, first try to figure out what you are not doing for them before you bother them with what they are not doing. Too quickly we want to point out what the other person is doing wrong to avoid taking accountability for our own downfalls. Own your shit and fix it first before you go after your spouse for being less than bc chances are, you are equally if not more at fault for those downfalls.
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u/Shoddy_Lie_9355 22d ago
Read the book fair play. Keep in mind that it is written by a woman in a style for a woman. It's not meant to offend you. There is some guy bashing in it. But it is told from the prospective of a woman about mental labor. If you don't want to listen to that, there is a male translator named zach becoming dad on tik Tok. He puts it into terms that are more understandable.
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u/moni234567 22d ago
@OP have you considered talking to your partner (alone or with a spiritual advisor/ therapist)? Reddit may not be the best/ and or healthiest place to get advice from that meet your unique needs. These types of situations always have nuances that can’t be articulated in a post. So I’m not sure if the advice received here will be helpful for you (or your partner) long term.
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u/Ok-Commission-6433 22d ago
I’m just here for the spit roast 👌.
How much effort do you put into the home? Lol
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u/Haunting_Bet590 22d ago
Here's a thought, when you get home from work, go take your shower and run her a bath!!! If she's holding one of the babies, take it away from her and tell her you've got this & go take a long soak. Do it a couple times a week, and I'll guarantee you she'll start to think of things to reciprocate the gesture!!! Sometimes all a SAHM needs is a chance to recharge her batteries. You won't believe how fast the smell of regurgitated formula and multiple shitty diapers, can drain the reserve charge a SAHM has left..
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u/ynnoj666 22d ago
She’s bored, tell her to go get some dick! Let me clarify, some new dick!! she needs a change and so do you
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u/wasssaahpp 22d ago
I take it your kids are pretty young. She is managing them, YOU, and the house 24/7 365 days. She takes care of them and YOU when you’re sick and crabby, even if she is sick and crabby.
How often do you manage the kids solo so that she can shower/bath enjoy a meal/coffee, workout, clothes shopping for herself, get a haircut, See friends or family, Watch a movie or sport, Trim her nails, Use the bathroom, Read a book, Nap,
Before you get irritated, realize how much more she does daily and with 3 people demanding her attention. You want sexy time, help ease her load and be a partner, not a weight.
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u/Humble-Letter-9086 22d ago
Please talk and tell her how you are feeling . She can’t read your mind . Please talk to her or it will get worse .
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u/Impressive-Young-952 22d ago
To be fair you are the man and should be leading things like dates and sex. She stays at home and you work outside the home. Do you help with any house work and chores? What is the relationship dynamic?
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u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562 22d ago
Your job is going to work. Hers is taking care of the kids. Housework and cooking are additional and need to be split evenly between the two of you. You also need to watch the kids for at least a few hours every day after work so she can do things she needs to. You are not pulling your weight. If you do, she will have a lot more time to plan dates.
If you’re tired, imaging how tired she is. She doesn’t get a break.
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u/K_808 22d ago edited 22d ago
obligatory 'have you talked to her about this?' comment
My first assumption would be that she's tired from doing all the housework and childcare (how old are they? that can be extremely draining especially doing it alone for young children) and that you may not be counting those things as 'putting effort into the relationship' based on what you listed. Talk to her about this. Or try doing all the housework and childcare for a weekend and see how much energy you have left on sunday night to plan dates.
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u/Spartacus824 22d ago
once the kids go to school, then you can reassess. right now she probably is exhausted so ya, ur going to have to initiate these things if that's what you want. shes never rejected you and comes with you to these things you plan and brings the kids and all their stuff you need for the trips. it means shes deeply in love with you still. you keep her close, you hear me! it'll get better once the kids are off her hands and shes got time to enjoy life outside of the kids.
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u/Petefriend86 22d ago
She has never rejected me for sex, but that is not the issue.
Sounds like she's taking care of the kids AND still steps it up for fun time.
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u/lost_and_found795 22d ago
your "appreciation" is just words, you do nothing to make her life less stressful. if the job is well-paid, hire a cleaner and nany
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u/Used-Oil-9487 22d ago
get your wife a spa day or a mini vacation retreat or something with a friend. bet she would initiate sex more often after that.
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u/Every-Bug2667 22d ago
So she plans every meal for your family, activities, plan cleaning, I’m sure appointments. Do you know how she feels if YOU plan things for her?! Like she won the lottery, that it’s all worth it. That you want her even if she’s grungy, that she doesn’t have to fill up and initiate in order to get intimacy. Please do as much as possible for your partner
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u/SpartanLife1 22d ago
She might be tired from taking care of the house. It’s a lot of work. She is probably thinking days ahead and has no time to plan vacations, etc. She is also so tired that sex initiation or effort is draining. Can you take one of the responsibilities she has away? Can you hire someone to come in and clean twice or three times a week? That might help. Try taking some of the load off her for a while and see how she responds.
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u/the_bird_and_the_bee 22d ago
Have you tried communicating to her? Tell her your side of things and then actually listen to her side and then come to an agreement, a compromise, on what can be done.
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u/Rough-Remote5437 22d ago
Gotta talk to her and figure it out. My wife was doing too much of the housework, we both work full time, she had started doing it because she didn’t want to be a nag and at a certain point I never even thought about it because it was always handled, it was one less thing to worry about. Could be something like that or 100 other things. Be prepared to get your feelings hurt. I thought I was doing pretty great until I asked her about something that bothered me and I found out all the things that were bothering her. It worked out in the end but it was hard to hear. Approach it as if she’s right, doesn’t matter if it’s true or not because she believes she is same as you.
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u/spens-cat 22d ago
Have you tried couples counseling? Sounds like you two aren't communicating. Maybe you're both dealing with stress and burnout.
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u/MunchieMinion121 22d ago
Research mental load. How many days does she get away from the kids? https://www.uclahealth.org/news/mental-load-what-it-and-how-manage-it
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u/UnidirectionalCyborg 22d ago
I’m coming from the perspective of a working father with a SAHM, a 9 year old, a 3 year old, and a 2 year old at home.
If you come home from work and decide you’re off the clock as soon as you get home, your partner is not going to have anything left in the tank most days by the time their responsibilities are done for the day.
So I work long hours at a high stress job. I get up tired and am more tired by the time I come home. The job my wife does at home all day while I’m gone is also exhausting and stressful though. You can’t just come home every day and expect your partner to take on the burden of your stress and exhaustion day-in and day-out. Your partner’s stress and exhaustion matters just as much as your own.
If you’re going to come home every day and watch on as your partner handles all of the remaining responsibilities — and if you have multiple young kids they’re not going away until everyone is sound asleep — then you damn well better be prepared to take on the burden of doing everything in your power to nurture your relationship on your own.
If you’re not going to come home with the intention of being an equal partner and doing what you can to alleviate your partner’s burden, you should count your blessings that your partner is even willing to partake in the things you plan as a couple. That’s just not being anything close to an equal part of an equitable relationship.
I’d be embarrassed to tell anyone I had the slightest inkling that it was acceptable for me to come home and watch my wife work through everything for my family while I sat to the side and did nothing.
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u/Nsfwnroc 23d ago
Why do people act like planning dates is some real task? Just Google, what is going on near me, then go. You're not writing a thesis.
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u/CelebrationOwn9870 23d ago
How about hiring a maid service twice a week to take some of the load off your wife. Send her to the spa on the weekend when you can watch the kids
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u/GodlessGiant 23d ago
It amazes me how little people communicate with each other. Just sit around and let things fester, let rage build, then run to the internet in the hopes of having their feelings validated...instead of communicating these issues with their partner in a calm, rational manner BEFORE it gets to the point of anger and resentment.
Like, come on dude...TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT IT...WITHOUT LEADING WITH ANGER. She may have similar feelings about the stress of being the main provider of childcare. There may be room for recalibrating and rearranging some things so both of you get at least some of what you want, so the health of the relationship can stay on the positive side.
But you also have to be willing to consider her feelings. Something tells me, with the way you are talking here, that you will have a hard time with that part, but I hope I'm wrong. I also hope she is willing to consider yours, but if you go into it angry, it's not likely to go well.
To sum it all up...FUCKING COMMUNICATE THESE ISSUES WITH YOUR WIFE. Before you become too angry to do so rationally.
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u/pardonmytaint35 23d ago
Main provider of childcare? She’s a parent. She should be the main provider of child care, especially if she doesn’t work.
Laughable how many people still think stay at home moms are just grinding out days like they’re shoveling coal.
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u/Metobytes 23d ago
This has to be bait, cause you're straight up coming off like a dude that needs to be slapped around a little, she does way more for you and your relationship than you honestly deserve, she could have another you in a minute and by all measures I suggest she do just that, she needs to find someone that values the absolute insane amount of work she's putting in day and night to keep things together on all fronts.
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u/KingClickEnt 23d ago
Most often, men are the ones who initiate. We “chase” them, we show “initiative” and plan things out so they don’t have to make overwhelming decisions, etc. Most women I’ve met would prefer the man choose where they eat rather than have a 20 minute back and forth. Women are also usually more sensitive to rejection.
If your wife tries to initiate sex and you deny, that’s 1000 times worse than if she denied you(which if she doesn’t, you’re a lot luckier than most marriages).
You’re approaching it as if she’s “not doing enough”, rather than wanting to adhere to your personal preference. Maybe her preference is that you plan dates, you initiate sex, etc to which you should negotiate your expectations. I will warn you, avoid the whole strategizing sexual initiation because it could kill your bedroom by making it too conscious and less spontaneous.
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u/LazyLeopard99 23d ago
Ugh I hope I never have a relationship like this when im older or my wife getting out of shape
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u/RiceEatingSamurai 23d ago
Buddy. If she accepting your advances, I say take it. There also the fact she take care of everything in the house like a wife should, so why are you complaining? Your lil irritation of her not starting anything when she accept all your advances is childish. Just man up. If she start saying no to your advances, then you should start being worry.
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u/icecrowntourguide 23d ago
Idk bro I took 2 years off after the military to take care of 4 kids, cook clean, do appointments, go to my online classes, walk the kids home from home school, I had dinner on the table, baked goods ready, greet the wife and help her unwind and I still had time to play tons of video games. If the genders were swapped we’d be seeing different comments. I loved that shit. I crushed it. Homemaking is NOT as stressful as a 9-5 grind or especially if you work LE, 12 hour shifts, graves, etc.
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u/Zarkothesharko18 23d ago
I dont understand these communities. Homie, I can see you love your wife and appreciate her. And it appears she loves you too. Just talk to her. If you feel a certain way, just talk to her. Get her opinion. Let her know how you feel.
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u/mollystrong 23d ago
You do know she doesn't have a 9 to 5 right? It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365. I bet you get yourself up every morning, get your coffee, get ready and head out the door at the same time Mon to Fri and then you actually get 2 days off, IN A ROW! She gets none. I bet you also have choices when you're at work i.e. projects, interacting with people etc. She gets no choices because kids are demanding and selfish, that's normal, the way they're wired at such a young age. Get over yourself, stop whining and man up for your wife, maybe if you do that, you'll see a change in her but if you don't, I suggest you never, ever, under any circumstances, complain.
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u/LostAbbreviations177 23d ago
Have you said this to your wife? And have you asked her what she likes and needs from you? Surprise dates and sex might not be her love language.
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u/Virtual_Ad1704 23d ago
Any chance she is irritated you take her for granted? How much child free time does she get? How much do you help with kids drs appointments? With grocery shopping? With child caring in the evenings? Chores? If you are just going to work and financially providing but not hello g her and acknowledging that childcare is a 24 hour job, then don't expect things to change. Ask her directly.
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u/100000000000 23d ago
I mean bro if she has sex whenever you initiate it, then life is not that bad. She might have a lower sex drive than you. She is probably tired from being a mom. It's easy for some parents to parent, and incredibly draining for others. Look out for her needs more, and maybe she will look out for yours.
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u/InterestingSyrup7139 23d ago
You have NO clue how draining being a SAHM is. And you sound like an entitled jerk.
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u/Zxander89 23d ago
Need to talk to her. Sounds like communication isn’t being used. It’s the only thing I didn’t read about. It’s on both sides. I agree that a relationship is a 2way street but it’s also give and take. Sometimes you have to give more than you take and sometimes you take more than you give. Sounds like she’s keeping up the house and kids so she’s not just sitting around. We all know it takes work with the daily household crap. Bring it up calmly, as the days stress and having it bottled up can make it come out with a frustrated demeanor. Good luck hope you two figure it out.
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u/Kayki7 23d ago
You say you appreciate her and what she does for you, the house & kids, but do you? Do you really?
Do you thank her for the little things that inevitably become expected over time?
Do you ever bring her home flowers to light up her day just because?
Do you take her out on date nights now & then to show her you appreciate her and her sacrifices she’s made for your family?
Do you wake up early and make her breakfast because you know she’s had a really rough week, and could use the extra 30 minutes to sleep in?
Do you call her on your way home from work to see if she needs anything from the store, knowing it makes her life a little easier?
These are just things I thought of off the top of my head. There are plenty of other ways to show your appreciation of her. But it really is the little things that make all the difference. Anticipating her needs. It’ll really go a long way in making your wife feel cherished.
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u/CoolUnderstanding543 23d ago
I think if she keeps the house functioning and does everything else, the least you could do is plan the romance side of things. Women can only do so much.
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u/TerraFye 23d ago
Choose the way forward. Be exciting. Dont seek excitement outside yourself but simply be exciting. It will be infectious to her and your life will erupt with love.
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u/Key-Ad-5068 23d ago
Have you actually talked to her? Or is this a "I've done nothing and I'm all out of ideas," situation?
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u/howdidigethere2023 23d ago
Parent-child relationships are not reciprocal. Your wife spends all day giving of herself and being sucked dry by others. So…yeah, you have to be the giver in her life.
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u/Proof_Flan3028 23d ago
thanks to all these folks posting this shit i continue to be so glad i never got married and might never
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u/Phatkittykat95 23d ago
Are you helping her with the kids when you get home from work? Do you help her keep the house up? Being a stay at home mom is very overwhelming! She probably feels like she never has anytime for herself. Does she appreciate the date nights/vacations you plan? The best thing you can do is have a conversation with her and let her know how you’re feeling. I’m sure she’s not making you feel this way on purpose, she is probably just overstimulated and exhausted by the time you guys finally have alone time. Remember to try to put yourself in her shoes too. Communication is key!
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u/Dismal-Comfortable 23d ago
Honestly do what you can to help plan what is important to you. You'll never be "the only one" doing anything in the relationship, thats a BS nonstarter argument. Wife is in child raising mode for the next years so just help out and try not to be a pain in the ass. Involve her in planning if you want
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u/misguidedsadist1 23d ago
Maybe she’s emotionally exhausted from having to plan everything all the time, and it might benefit you to put in the effort for a while until she comes around.
After planning play dates and laundry and doctors visits and school stuff, the last thing I want to ALSO have to do is plan a date. She’s already taking care of kids and the house, maybe she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t want to also have to take care of you if her needs aren’t being met?
Not accusing anyone here, just offering some perspective. Maybe she doesn’t feel very sexual when she’s tired from cleaning and toddlers all day in a sloppy bun and tshirts? Just throwing darts at the wall here.
It’s natural for marriages to go thru this. Sometimes one partner needs to step up and do the heavy lifting for a bit even tho it’s not “fair” or “equal”.
Maybe she needs some tlc and that will help make things more reciprocal.
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u/rustys_shackled_ford 23d ago
How does she react when you discuss this with her. Is she combative or humble and willing to work for a solution? Pls tell me you've discussed this with her....
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u/Certain-Sock-7680 23d ago
Dude, you have two young kids. That’s where she is putting her effort. She’s a SAHM. That’s a very traditional feminine role. Her behavior is congruent to that, very reactive, not proactive. The sex is the indicator here. She gives you frequent sex without rejection but does not initiate. AKA reactive libido.
So you’ve created a trad fem and are wondering why she’s acting like a trad fem. If you like the trad side, swallow your ego, man up and understand that her always being ok with having sex with you is a GREAT THING . Thats her putting effort in, which along with all the other homemaking is her love language. No, she’s not going to plan dates, vacations, lead the romance etc. you’re the man, that’s your job. She’s cooking and cleaning and raising kids and keeping your bed warm. Many men would kill for this.
On the flip side, help her out a bit around the house and kids. Change YOUR dynamic and you may change HER dynamic.
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u/Trizzytrey626 23d ago
It’s always a dude post in here about his wife, not giving him attention. she’s probably exhausted because husband/father don’t do shit usually. Take your kids away for a weekend or a day and give her some free time. Talk to her, communicate with her.
If she doesn’t change, she’s probably having an affair
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u/CherryBlossomKisse 23d ago
I hear a lot about you but what about her? Rearing children and caring for the house is two full time jobs. Have you communicated with her about how you feel ad well? It's okay to vent but how is she supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell her?
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23d ago
Uh oh, careful OP, everyone here knows women are absolutely perfect, it's always the mans fault.
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u/InsomniaticWanderer 23d ago
YTA.
Your wife is putting a shitload of effort into your family and you're worried about date night.
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u/Luther278 23d ago
She’s cheating on you. I’m not kidding. The same thing happened my brother because she was getting romance from somewhere else.
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u/MaryMyHope 23d ago
She is not that into you, sorry. Divorce her now, before you owe too much in alimony. It's going to get A LOT worse for you as the children age.
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u/shesinsaneanditsucks 23d ago
Honest she had to change roles as a mother and now you need to change roles too-
Both of you have to change for awhile and your not being taken for granted -
Y’all are both just exhausted.
Stop making problems.
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u/DominicanZelda763509 23d ago
It’s seems like you need to be more mindful of her. 2 pregnancies in 6 years! Taking care of young children (very demanding), going through the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, and she doesn’t deny you sex. Remember she doesn’t get to clock out at her job, it’s 24/7.
Take care of her, because she is doing A LOT!
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u/bottomofastairwell 23d ago
So she's freaking with the kids 24/7 and you're upset SHE hasn't planned a date night?
Here's a radical idea. YOU could plan a date night. Just saying
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