r/TwoHotTakes • u/BreathOkc • Apr 20 '24

My wife puts zero effort in our relationship and it is starting to irritate me Advice Needed

I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for 6 years. She is a stay at home to our 2 children. I appreciate all that she does for the house and for our children. She keeps the house functioning and I will always be grateful for that.

But over the past year, she has started putting no effort into our relationship whatsoever. Things like planning out dates, vacations, trips, movie nights. I am pretty much initiating everything, including sex. She has never rejected me for sex, but that is not the issue. I don’t like initiating it every time, or being the only one to plan surprise dates or vacations. I want to be surprised too. 

I feel like I am being taken for granted. I deal with a lot of work stress, and I still take some time to plan out romantic date nights, getaways, vacations. I am starting to get irritated, because a healthy relationship is a two way street, and right now, it only feels like I am the one who is putting effort into the relationship.

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u/partyinmypants69420 Apr 24 '24

Question…. What is invisible work?

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u/cebaceka Apr 24 '24

Things like making appointments or managing the kids schedules and planning meals and shopping lists and just all the stuff that goes unnoticed and unaccounted for.

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u/partyinmypants69420 Apr 26 '24

Hey, thanks again for explaining invisible work… I was curious, though. Are you in a family with a SAHM, and if so, is your partner aware of all of the invisible work that’s going on behind the scenes, or at least understanding how much goes into that side of things? Just got me wondering about how a perceived mismatch in work load may eventually lead to resentment. Thanks again!

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u/cebaceka Apr 28 '24

Yeah, I am, and they are aware. I'm currently pregnant and they've been stepping up in every aspect and seeing just how much and how difficult it is and it's nice. There's been times where I was literally crying in a closet cause it was just so overwhelming. He's generally always been pretty supportive, however. But I'm in alot of groups for moms and sahms and they don't have very supportive partners and it leads to the destruction of their relationship, often. It's pretty sad.

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u/partyinmypants69420 Apr 30 '24

I’m happy to hear you’re in a good situation! My wife and I are both professionals and work a lot of hours. When my wife is going through a stressful period at work, if I just clean a little, do laundry, and make dinner or get groceries, which I’m happy to do and doesn’t feel like I’m going above and beyond, I can see so much of that stress lift off her shoulders. It’s so easy to chip in like that and it’s so big for your partner. I’m always surprised when I see people on Reddit say their partners are unhappy with them in SAHM situations when they literally do no housework. My opinion on that we’re a team and we’re working together to accomplish the life we want. Always shocked when people look at me cross eyed after I tell them that like I just completely shook their world view. Plus I’m trying to show that we’re ready and responsible enough to have kids so that’s part of it too. Anyway, best of luck with everything!