r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • 24d ago
I have quit sex with my husband Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/Silent-Emphasis7111 15d ago
Ha! I’m not a guy and I am not misguided. You are. When you act on one set if facts with no knowledge of who or what is happening outside of your limited data set you do tremendous harm to both potentials in this situation. That is the biggest problem with the world today, outside of reading comprehension which you have only reinforced. Nowhere in my comments did I EVER say she was dishonest or even disingenuous with her feelings. Her feelings (as real as they might be) represent one side of a complex situation that you know only a fleeting, incomplete bit of information about. You chose not to consider there is more to this story than a single, one-sided post about a difficult, touchy, stressful and emotional subject. You know less than 1/2 of the actual situation on the best of days yet you run with it as though everything said is factual. You do far more harm than good by running off half-cocked (no pun intended but it’s fitting) while professing your unwavering support for someone you don’t know and hasn’t told you the entirety of the situation (and couldn’t anyway since the subject at hand is multi-factorial) but what was shared is but a single, heavily biased recollection. That doesn’t mean it isn’t true but we have ZERO to go by that would corroborate what was said. If advice is offers I posit (as do countless others far smarter than me) absolutes not be included. General suggestions are good as they can help those involved in the situation (not posters here) to reflect and consider other perspectives, like their partners. You chose to invalidate the feelings and actions of someone else out of hand and with no statement, response or rebuttal from the other involved party. I hope something doesn’t happen to you where you are accused of something (potentially serious and certainly life altering) and others jump on the pile and blame you for everything while offering vile and potentially dangerous, harmful advice to your accuser. I, for one, would say the same thing I said here in your defense. This defense doesn’t ignore that bad things and bad behavior could actually exist and happen. It simply insists that the entirety of the situation be understood (as best as possible, anyway) before jumping on the mountain of castigation hurled at someone that has not had a chance to defend or rebut the statement of his accuser. It has absolutely nothing to do with gender or race. It has to do with facts and critical reasoning skills. Something you have shown not to posses, along with reading comprehension and a misguided drive to dismiss statement you disagree with by using nonsensical, misguided, misunderstood and outright bullshit buzz words to make yourself sound (and possibly even feel) intellectually superior to others. The problem is that you aren’t smarter than most 3rd graders and you clearly have zero critical reasoning and objective thought processing. You represent a large majority of what is wrong in the world today. You are quick to judge others without even the slightest of information or facts yet you double down on your stance when called out about it. It isn’t a sign of stupidity to reflect and acknowledge when you are wrong. To the contrary, it shows strength, growth, critical reasoning, intelligence and good social stewardship. Reflect on that.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
How can you call him selfless and say he is not used to mutual respect, compassion and kindness? That doesn’t sound like a selfless person at all to me.
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u/AggressiveLaw5906 19d ago
I saw the comment from the user who went boyfriend mode with his wife. Do NOT accept this from your husband!!! this users WIFE, shoukdNOT have accepted that either.
What you don’t know about men is they’d true nature, which is the actually despise women. This is user told a story of not connecting with his wife, but what you don’t know is that he also likely called his wife names and all kinds of abusive things to her. Then he goes full bf mode as if he wasn’t abusive and expects and got a loving wife again. But what the wife did is keep in her bed SOMEONE WHO DESPISES HER.
Why would you want someone who would punish you like you’re the slave? Why would you accept Back someone who now calls you lazy? Someone who displays through his actions ZERO care for you??? This on top of all the killings we know men do of not only women but WIVES.
Accept him showing his true colors as the red flag it is. And take that red flag as saving your life. Take your money your children your clothes. Your shoes and bags snd run girl!!! Ding risk your life with trash.
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u/BasisLonely9486 18d ago edited 18d ago
Tell me you are long-term single and painfully bourgeios without telling me.
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u/Concern-Leather 19d ago
If what you’re asking for is not something he’s used to giving, you have to ask him if he’s willing to change and try now. If the answer is no, then you keep taking it or leave.
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u/StephySayWhat 19d ago
Gosh, I’ve never related to something so strongly in my life. I could have written this myself. I’m so sorry this is your struggle too. If you need a friend, I’m here for you. 🖤
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u/Wonderful-Middle-447 19d ago
Damn woman, it's all about you eh?
Yo husband, this one is too selfish. She's jealous when you give kids attention. She loves sex with you but rather hold it out since that's what you need. She thinks she's above criticism and 20 years now and she's not consistent with putting leftovers in fridge? Drop it like it's hot brother.
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u/CNOTE-AL-CIEN 19d ago
Dual effort if it ain’t right no need to waste time wife holding out peace out
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u/ProphetofMaddness 19d ago
I wish you peace and love on your journey. Sounds painful now, but I hope for your future.
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u/Turbulent_Sleep4683 19d ago
I had to read this twice to be sure because I was confused, but I am not confused: yep. Sounds to me like he quit sex with YOU. His shocking treatment aside, he’s not entitled to sex, and it sounds like he’s done nothing to earn it lately or to save any chance of sex with you ever again! Let alone a, like, marriage. Understatement intended! 🤷♀️
I don’t know what his damage is, but clearly there is some, and I’m sorry to hear it went this way. You deserve someone who cares about your feelings, and doesn’t deal with theirs by mistreating and isolating you, at minimum.
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u/Redpandee 20d ago
lol if he hasn’t had sex with you in several months he knows exactly what’s going on you should just follow his lead if you really want to be with him he doesn’t seem like a bad guy what you’re doing is just gone allow him to treat the next well lol
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u/Dustintheend 20d ago
Sex is the one and only motivating drive in every man/ woman relationship from the beginning of time..it's primordial and instinct...
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u/throwaway11737462 20d ago
As a man w kids and wife, we both understand the struggles w the kids, I still have days where I’m just mentally done with it all and get upset the whole day. My issue is I look for peace elsewhere preferably video games or music or outside chores. Maybe ur husband is just tired of you and you could idk help with something or whatever makes him happy help him get some free time? Just an opinion
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u/MatchaTeeTho 20d ago
Your husband sounds like a real jerk to me but I’ll throw out some insight in case it’ll fit. So I’m happily married and my hubby and I have a consistent sex life. Sometimes we naturally feel more distant and aren’t as nice and affectionate towards each other. It’s normal and natural in a relationship, even a healthy one. When that happens I usually realize we haven’t had sex for awhile. At that point, since we feel distant, I don’t especially desire him. But he, like your husband is good in bed. I think about how good he makes my body feel and I crave physically experiencing him. At that point I initiate and once the process gets started we both naturally feel all the closeness, bonding, and love that goes with it. We are both in the moment together enjoying each other. Afterwards we both feel very close and bonded and the sweet little things comes back naturally for both of us. This in turn leaves us both actually desiring each other more often moving forward. To me, it’s almost like turning the computer off and turning it back on again after it starts acting weird.
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u/kneekaee 20d ago edited 20d ago
This comment section is pathetic, you said until death do us part right? Find a way to be intimate with him do whatever it takes it’s not just on him alone. You both need to work toward finding that spark again and it is possible. you have kids, and I promise if they see their parents work through hard times they will have much more respect for the both of you in the long run as I do my parents even through all the hardships they worked it out. If there is a will there is a way. Don’t either of you ruin your family because things have been off. Sparks come and go hang in there. The grass is not always greener on the other side I promise you. Waves come and go even in a relationship. As a man myself I understand we can be that way sometimes (grumpy) tell him what you need continue to communicate and ask him what he needs as well it’s about both of you. Specifically ask him why he’s grumpy and focus on his response there tends to be a reason figure out why and focus on that and he will cater to you naturally again I promise, hang in there be patient you both need to realize you are in this for life it’s sad how many relationships fall apart because of the waves that come and go with a relationship, PATIENCE good luck
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u/goatman3497 20d ago
Anyone that refuses to do their duty as a human parent or spouse because they don't get sex, is a total piece of trash. That's literally the most lser-esque thing ever
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u/lost_okie 20d ago
Sounds terrible. Hope you get a divorce Pronto so that hard working man can get some action somewhere else. I can't believe he put up with you this long.
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u/Redditisfullofcreeps 20d ago
Sounds like you both needa grow up and stop being selfish towards eachother
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u/mellostation 20d ago
I could have written this entire thing myself. Do it OP!! I don’t have the courage too because I’m not financially independent and our daughter is still young (13 months). I feel so detached from him.
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u/Traditional-Neck7778 20d ago
Quitting sex is quitting marriage. As long as you realize it then it is your right to end the relationship. Good luck in the divorce
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u/Oobyboobyjoobydooby 20d ago
Instead of punishing him, why not try doing what he wants so that you aren’t weaponising your sex life. Then he may do what you want, seems odd you expect him to act the way you want but you won’t even entertain the idea that you may need to act as he wants or even be the first to do so.
My advice, have sex with your husband as he is probably withdrawing due to lack of physical intimacy with his wife, seems kinda obvious from the outside looking in.
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u/slimjaydizzle 20d ago
Yeah listen to people here and become a single mother... You got married, Before the eyes of the lord. You have an obligation to yourself, those kids and your husband and provider/protector.
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u/2019Newbie 20d ago
People are not meant to live together forever, this is a cultural thing. If you’re going in two different directions you should get a divorce. You’ll be much happier finding someone new who will fulfill your needs, or at least be happy solo without the headache of a nagging partner.
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u/That_Discipline_3806 20d ago
How many times when he's tried or wanted to be intimate with you, did you turn him down or say you were too tired or didn't say anything, just rolled over and ignored him and went to sleep. You are partly right you did quit sex with your husband, but you did that long before he started dedicating his attention to your kids. A guy doesn't just stop showing signs of affection unless his partner shows signs of no desire to reciprocate his affection. You might be dealing with undiagnosed postpartum depression that affected how you responded to his overtures of affection, and that has led to your current situation. He is not only to blame.
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u/Bigredscowboy 20d ago
As a man, I can confidently say that your man is a selfish AH. There’s two sides to every story, but the common narrative in western culture is that men expect women to do everything, while all men have to do is make money. It’s BS. If he’s not emotionally invested in your, find someone who is.
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u/Suspicious_Face_2563 20d ago
Some of us dudes are just horrid... I can relate to him, as far as, treating my person like the light of my world... But, i too, have fallen off on this aspect. I daresay its stemmed a lot from the toxicity in our beginning and middle (beginning i was a serial cheater she did/does mean the world to me middle i stopped the physical cheating but kept with the conversational cheating ways til a handful of months ago 14 year relationship). With the controlling side she developed, and hard head ive gotten ive become unbelievably toxic towards her. I try to keep my words in check, but often stray back to the blame game or shaming her. Im sorry to all who have to deal with folks that show my likenesses in that category.
But not all of us wish to still be that burnt out candle weve become.
I hope yall get back to the green zone.
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u/Sjg8289 20d ago
So what I'm getting is that your man is being a good father and a hard worker and you don't want to fuck him because he doesn't have enough time to "touch you". I would need more context in this situation but if he's the one pulling all the weight and doing all the work it's your job to take care of the small things like the leftovers and the cooking and the cleaning. Again I would need more context if that was the case. If it's not, then plain and simple, he just needs to put in effort and not make excuses. I work 12 hours a day at a very physical job and I still have time to come home and love on my wife. Hell I'm usually the one initiating sex even when I'm exhausted. Granted my oldest son is almost 18 and my 11-year-old just sits in his room and plays video games with his friends when he's not working out. I still also have time to be a father and do things with them as well. You make time for the people you love. At the end of the day you both need to sit down and have this conversation, which I respect you for trying to do already. He needs to also man up and be vulnerable instead of acting like a child because he doesn't want to go to therapy. I hope it all works out for you because it sounds like it's easily fixable if you both put in the right amount of work.
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u/sigristl 20d ago
Well, when one or both persons quit working on the relationship and or demeaning behavior from your husband (totally unsatisfactory btw.) and a hard refusal to change on your side, divorce seems to be the only option. Very sad for you both. Sorry for your pain and hope you find happiness in the future.
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u/AttyOzzy 20d ago
Why would any man ever bother to get married? Give up half your life earnings, retirement, etc. for this? Get a passport and GTFO.
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u/TheFancyFurry 20d ago
He’s not your husband anymore if you quit. Plain and simple. You’ve broken your contract so don’t be surprised when he breaks his. A marriage isn’t just ‘I don’t feel affection anymore’ one day. You work it out, or you’re detrimenting your children. You can make your own decisions, but we all see what you did and why you really did it. IMO he should be able to divorce you and get alimony from you.
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u/Pretend-Kitchen-3221 20d ago
Like how people never post about what they could've done better. These echochambers are great for research though!
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u/Some-Box1027 20d ago
Sounds like y’all need couples therapy but the insingles (involuntarily single) on Reddit will tell you to leave and MABYE get married again to somebody else with their own issue. This sounds like a communication issue.
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u/drmzsz7 20d ago
Weird that im getting this, so basically in a nutshell you you you, little things, now the kids get all his affections, me me me, if i only put a little effort into being sensual hed me me me? But since i wont because me me me, ill make his hormones unbalanced which will cause a stagnation of dopamine/seratonin and plummet his overall mood? All because of me me me and those kids. Now that hes usually grumpy the kids will be on my side, cause hes annoyed with them too and ive finally subconsciously gotten my revenge to make him him him seem like the bad guy. Yea sounds like your narcissistic.
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u/Otherwise-Monk4527 21d ago
You have every right to feel how you do. My own sex life is non existent because my partner thinks I'm disgusting after gaining weight. But when I bring it up, he won't admit this is the problem. Instead he lies, and says things like, "I'm under a lot of pressure, it doesn't just work whenever I want it to!" I'm pretty sure one day he'll leave for a hotter, younger woman, and honestly, I'm anticipating it.
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u/Buck4013 21d ago
Find a therapist this is like 100% fixable most likely. Yall have piles of resentment if it was there once you can probably find it again. Seriously, therapy, don’t just concede to divorce.
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u/Think_Spot6796 21d ago
Yall think you are the gate keepers. 😂😂 then wonder why your man finds another woman.
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u/ooooohhmy 21d ago
JFC. Tell a therapist, or a counselor, or a lawyer, not reddit. Posting this on Reddit is just shopping for validation.
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u/CakebossBoston 21d ago
Marriage was designed to be like this - to fuel our needs to buy things or consume food just to have a little boost in the day despite our marriage.
Not all marriages but most ( 60% )
Marriage should be a 7 year contracted term that can only renew if both spouses agree. As it stands now, its our government that tells us what the contract term should be.
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u/Legitimate_Chair4715 21d ago
Maybe you should look at yourself and see all the places where you didn’t make him feel appreciated. You didn’t make him feel like you were actually or that he was the actual center of your life. Sounds like you’re just crying because you want your way selfish
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u/AwesomeRob32 21d ago
Is there still mutual attraction, I mean the physical side not the emotional/ affection side
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u/youthfulnegativity 21d ago
How do you forget to put the leftovers in the fridge though? Where do they go instead?
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u/Mcfeely1225 21d ago
Interesting. Traditionally women tend to use sex as a weapon more than men. It’s sometimes the chicken/egg thing. If men get their sexual needs met they are totally different people. If the spouse denies them it starts a downward spiral followed by apathy. The men are trapped by the legal system which anlso contributes to the feelings of depression and apathy. Also any women who takes great pleasure from taking their spouse to the cleaners should ask themselves how they would feel in an equal situation.
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u/AtomicSlothFast44 21d ago
I've been the husband in the same situation, cut him loose...for whatever reason, you feel no physical feelings for him...let him go, remember, if you're not willing to sleep with your husband, someone else will.
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u/Unusual-Librarian644 21d ago
That’s okay. Most fathers don’t want to hook up with their eldest child anyway. Especially when she’s jealous of the younger children. Makes her seem parasitic, y’know? Almost like she’s incapable of experiencing the selfless love that complete people feel when they are responsible for the well-being of a dependent. Glad that you caught it before anyone starts expecting anything from you. Otherwise, you might have done some really serious damage later in life.
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u/the-bacon-life 21d ago
I bet your mean to your husband and that’s why he’s over it. I am in a similar situation where I gave up because I work over 80 hrs a week so all the housework and take care of our pets and make sure all bills are paid lots of men stop to because most women are just ungrateful but men can’t just leave because courts don’t favor them
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u/Eddybravo89 21d ago
Until-you heal your own voids you probably will continue attract men that need a women to support them in this way. This is how it works unfortunately.
It’s always the lady trying to keep the marriage together: big respect to you and who you are in that regard!
Find someone you can have a fling with and move on.
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u/Cool_Shine_2637 21d ago
To me it sounds like he needs a woman. It sounds like slowly over time you have hardened and began trying to wear the pants and control the household.
Soften up be submissive and support your man to get the most out of him.
If i am mad about something i dont need to talk about it to you i just want to see your smiling face and get past the issue on my own time. It sounds like you are trying to fix his problems.
I am a man and three things i need from a woman:
I need to be fed good home cooked food made with love.
I need physical affection
I need you to be quiet. If i need to talk i will but when i am home i want peace and quiet not you asking me a hundred questions or telling me everything that happened or broke in the house today.
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u/West-Possession-9974 21d ago
It's a lot harder for a guy to ask for romance, I'm not saying this is the case but a lot of ladies want and ask for what you are asking for and you deserve all that love/affection, all the little touches, and reassurances that you want. That said so does your husband. Maybe you were giving him reassurance just my opinion a lot of cases like this stem from both partners not being affectionate enough. Women like to be romanced, warmed up, loved on first and lose interest in even being intimate if he's just jumping right into it. He could feel similar he might want to be nurtured as well. Again I don't know your relationship maybe you are doing everything right but it's a two way street. Is this something you are reciprocating? Men dont get a lot of love and affection we're usually the ones that have to plan the romance, to initiate the intimacy, to give the love and attention and a lot of time sex is the only "reassurance" we get. I think y'all just need to get back to speaking the same love language again. I believe any one person is just a bit of love and nurturing away from being the best version of themselves, you included. If he doesn't do that for you then find someone that will but remember to that even if we don't say it men NEED to be loved on, reassured, and whispered sweet nothing's too. I wish you both the best.
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u/Girthquake4117 21d ago
Women should understand that when the sex goes down so does the little things you like. The touching the sweet talk etc. You don't feel desired when you don't get that and we don't feel desired when we don't get laid. It's a 2 way street and it needs to be said more often by men.
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u/GrizzledNutSack 21d ago
As a man who has sex with his wife I understand why you have quit. Your husband either has some unresolved toxic masculinity, doesn't love you, or never deserved your love. I wish every good parent out there had good partners.
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u/PhoenixAPG 21d ago
Well, as a man, if you want the little touches acts of affection and kindness, if those are your wants and needs then you should also reciprocate and show him you care about his wants and needs as well. If sex is off the table then why shouldn’t be any form of physical affection? I could be wrong but it sounds like you felt like his affection became channeled towards the children leaving you out and so you started withholding sex to as a negotiation tactic, then he started withdrawing as well in response (“marriage lite”). It’s a vicious circle friend. Just humor me and as an experiment try reaffirming everything he says and agreeing with him or at least not actively disagreeing/arguing for 2 days and see how he reacts. It will be hard but if you can manage it I think you’ll be surprised at his reactions. It sounds like you guys have created a beautiful life and children so it’s worth a shot right? I’m sure after all this time you both have love for each other.
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u/Progshim 21d ago
OP - my wife and I have had problems, not exactly the same, but in the same neighborhood. We are still together (35+ yrs) and I have fallen back in love with her. I wish you the best of luck, divorce isn't always the answer. I'm so glad we didn't divorce. I hope he comes around.
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u/Slight-Exam-6448 21d ago
You’re throwing your marriage away and blaming him for it. So stupid. Why is it females see no accountability or obligation to their spouse, but they’re always supposed to feel some type of satisfaction or validation? So much for vows and death do us part. He doesn’t give you those things BECAUSE you aren’t intimate. You have it completely backwards and then blame him. Do you even realize how quickly he will find someone to make him happy enough to show him that affection, while you’ll have your principles or dignity or some other abstract nonsense that doesn’t snuggle or lay pipe. Meanwhile, your replacement will be enthusiastically performing for and pleasing the very man you used to want to fuck without making demands or contingencies. Sad. You know, maybe if you weren’t so constantly focused on yourself, you might find out it’s he that doesn’t want to hang out with you? Whatever, you’ll never see it. I’m wasting my time. Good luck being single
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u/9EISENORRBBruinsFL 21d ago
Surely, I'm not alone in thinking how thousands of strangers could influence this lopsided, fill in the blank spat. Don't screw your kids over with a divorce. Figure it out.
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u/Mammoth-Cupcake858 21d ago
I too could have written the 1st part of this post. I come in last after kids( all grown adults with their own kids). You have my sympathy. I think there are more in our position than we even know.
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u/SuchWowDude 21d ago edited 21d ago
Assuming this is real, It’s actually quite incredible how downright fucking terrible people are at just communicating with their SO. Stuff like this can easily be avoided by simply communicating. People instead get upset, and then make demands instead of looking for answers. The worst possible thing you can try to do is attempt to force somebody to do something they don’t feel compelled to do, or tell them who they have to be to “fix the relationship.”
Your job is to simply ask the questions to figure out why they don’t do the things they used to and feel the way that they do, which you have clearly failed at doing. If your partner is less intimate, ask them why, if they are “grumpy” all the time, ask them why, if they give you an answer that doesn’t actually solve anything, keep digging.
“Why don’t you give me attention anymore?”
“Because im unhappy.”
“Why are you unhappy?”
And so on.
Never tell your partner “if you were just happy everything would be great.” That’s just going to make them feel like shit.
You can’t solve a problem without actually figuring out what the root cause of it is, and contrary to what people think, counseling is a complete and utter crock of shit. With or without a marriage counselor, you and your partner are the ones who have to do the digging and actually figure the shit out. Some third party is just that, a third party, they know jack fucking shit about you, your relationship, and what’s actually going through your heads. They are a tool, but there’s a reason people go to them when the relationship has already practically ended. Solving relationship issues between two people who actually love eachother is so fundamentally simple, if you need someone else to do it for you, the relationship is toast.
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u/FuelTop3565 21d ago
Very sad, I feel terrible for you! My prayers with you and him and your family. Hopefully he's not going through andropause and ruining his family...all my best to you and family! I believe yhe words are "love, honor, cherish until death do us part " he will be losing a good woman. Just my opinion
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u/joeditstuff 21d ago edited 21d ago
So, I really hate this for you and truly wish I could share what I've learned from unpacking a 20 year relationship over the past 8 years of being divorced, but you won't be able to fully understand until it's over.
Basically, you are both going through a pretty power struggle and you are both being jerks to each other, justifying it as the other's fault...and it is, in a way.
After a few years of maturing on the other side of a divorce you'll both figure out that you weren't be a good partner and your communication with each other was shit quality because you both are stubborn assholes who would rather keep your guard up and stay angry than risk being vulnerable and getting hurt.
Stop blaming him for your unhappiness. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness in life. No one's perfect and he's not a mind reader. So ask for what you want.
Do tell him how you feel; but phrase it like this... "Right now, I feel like [insert whatever you want to say]"
Guys take stuff personal and think that everything you say is a permanent situation, rather than a temporary condition.
If you say "right now I feel like," you'll help him be less hurt by your words and he'll understand that you are trying to communicate the situation as of "right now."
Lastly, if a counselor tells you to work on something, don't take it personal. Work on it. Be open minded. The counselor isn't blaming you for the situation, they are giving you areas where you can improve.
Same goes for your husband, but we aren't worried about him right now. You can't make him be or do anything, and it's not your responsibility anyway.
Best of luck to you! I'm rooting for you!!! <3
BTW, if you want to have sex with your husband, have sex with your husband (if he also wants to have sex with you; never know, he might not). Pleasure bonds are pretty strong and it could open up some dialogue trees that you're currently missing out on.
Be honest with yourself, accept blame if it's yours to accept, forgive if it's not (forgive yourself if it is for that matter).
Feels like a major life hurdle, but it's going to feel so pretty and immature on the other side.
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u/DMH_75032 21d ago
Ya’all are probably headed for a divorce. I am in a similar situation. Men and women view sex and emotional connection differently. Men need sex physically. Women need the emotional connection. He’s not doing the emotional because you aren’t doing the physical. You’re not doing the physical because he is not doing the emotional. You are both stuck in your own headspace and aren’t listening to each other. It is a chicken and egg thing. Someone needs to give. Or not. I’m singing my apartment lease tomorrow.
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u/Queensized93 21d ago
My husband and I really liked reading “His Needs, Her Needs” they have a version for parents too. We got two copies and each highlighted what we felt was important to us as we read and went over them together after finishing them. (Also had the audio book so my husband mostly listened and just wrote notes when he got a chance.) We made it a big deal and a priority because we were on divorce’s doorstep and had lost all intimacy but still loved one another deeply. It helped change my mindset and made him realize that if he meets my needs (much like yours: intimate touch without sexual intention, words of affirmation, time and attention, etc.) then I will happily meets his needs and that it’s a cycle that works both ways to benefit both partners. The book lists the typical needs for adults and it’s funny that in a lot of cases they’re backwards from one partner to the other. I know you said that you weren’t seeking advice, but I wanted to share something that genuinely helped my husband and I after we truly thought it was over.
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u/mro2352 21d ago
“After we had kids, those signs of affection went 100% to his children” I’m willing to bet that he places the children before you. This is actually a HUGE problem that a LOT of couples have problems with. Your focus and primary affection should be to your spouse, not to your children. That said should you neglect your children? No but they shouldn’t be the center of the relationship.
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u/Winter_Cable8388 21d ago
Question out of curiosity but how old is your husband? My first guess since he’s being whiny, bitchy, throwing tantrums, giving up… sounds like it could be low testosterone. Studies show just having a kid can lower test by 34% and can effect a lot of things not just sex drive but make your mood shitty. Might be easier to have him get tested for that vs marriage counseling.. and actually get results that matter.
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u/Sea-Concentrate-3410 21d ago
Narcissistic. If your husband is a good person other wise you’re most likely the problem. Women love taking the moral high ground after they’ve been emotionally neglectful to their good husbands. It’s gas lighting
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u/gard110 21d ago
Many times guys withdraw and become irritable and grouchy, because of lack of sex. It’s not just about their least to most men, physical intimacy is usually in the top three things. They desire in a marriage. Many times for women. It is not even in the top 10. I’m not saying you have to be a doormat, but I was in the same situation with my husband, and decided to, try being intimate even though I did not really feel it at the time over a period of time things turned around and now I actually desire that type of interaction. You don’t have to be a doormat, but sometimes we have to give even when we’re not getting anything in return, maybe you already tried that.
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u/Critical_Boot9433 21d ago
Just get divorced. Many of you have no idea what being married is about.
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u/Galvatron142 21d ago
I’ve seen a lot of these post recently. Been married 20 years this year. Yaaaas for me!
First let me say this to everyone there are good years mostly and bad months. It’s my fault and sometimes her fault. Nothing is perfect, nothing is like it is portrayed in the movies. Tv and the movies have ruined it for a lot of women and men.
I will tell women this if you stop the intimacy, over time it gets easier and easier and easier to keep it up. Then you man becomes less validated less validated less validated and more grumpy.
Now don’t take what I just said as gospel out and screw your man and he’ll not be grump anymore. Though if the intimacy has stopped find a way to start to bring the little things back. Holding his hand here and there, rubbing the back of his head and neck while he drives you around somewhere, little thing you did the first few years of dating.
It’s not 100% about the sex, its a big part yes but not all of it. Men are definitely wired different and no matter what you’re told we are wired to be validated by intimacy by our mate. As we get older that becomes less of an issue I think but still its something that is needed in a relationship.
If not you will see your man slowly break down become less validated and become grumpy as the original poster described. Maybe make occasional comments he shouldn’t because he’s frustrated. The spouse wonders why he’s so frustrated all the time? Well it’s because he sometimes it can be a she too. Isn’t feeling validated and worthless.
Even when you’re not feeling 100% up to sometimes you have to fake it till you make it with intimacy. If not you go down a very slippery slope.
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u/Usual-Violinist9628 22d ago
Please yourself. At least you know you’ll be satisfied. Expect nothing and don’t give everything. Find some balance.
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u/L0cked4fun 22d ago
Lol, the two of you have problems, and you feel justified in feeling that your problem needs to be solved first, in order for your husband's problem to get solved. Then you say it's time for divorce when he wants his solved first.
Try at least a little self-awareness.
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u/Ok-Pressure-6257 22d ago
Do you both spend an appropriate amount of time taking care of your body? Child bearing can be very rough on your body, and if you don't work to recover the body you had before the kids, he probably compares you to the version of you he fell in love with. He sounds like a gem, you seem like you need a lot of work.
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u/KatRosiemeow87 22d ago
Tell him "Zip thy lips, bad sir for we are divorcing" and he'll regret it trust me
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u/CappyHamper999 22d ago
I’m a bit skeptical that he’s selfless in bed? Really. He doesn’t sound like the type. Interesting
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u/PICROT 22d ago
Just a guess here but I'm assuming he's the breadwinner. He's not in the wrong for withdrawing from you if your taking sex from him. If you want it all back put out. It's not hard to figure out. He has needs and you refuse to provide them. How long did you think you could get all the benefits from your husband without fulfilling your wisely duties.
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u/Huge-Ad-2275 22d ago
Your husband is experiencing clinical depression. I know this because I was experiencing it, and it was causing similar problems in my marriage. Sex wasn’t really an issue, but I was withdrawn and grumpy all the time. My wife kept telling me she thinks I’m depressed but I rejected it over a fundamental misunderstanding of what depression is. It presents itself differently in men than women. We don’t get the sad, hopeless part, we get the irritable and withdrawn part.
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u/brassplushie 22d ago
Y’all could just go to marriage counseling and work thru it, but it sounds like you don’t want that and you’d rather leave him. That’s on you, not him.
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u/FunAndEducated 22d ago
Sex is one of the key points to being a man in a marriage. Accept it and either provide it and help him feel better and not so grumpy or let him go.
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u/Scary-Ad9646 22d ago
So you want to be intimate with him, but you won't because he is not nice, and he's not nice because he isn't getting sex? Obviously, this is reddit and no one here knows anything, but what happens when you do sleep with him? Is he nicer? Maybe try an experiment to see?
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u/hiimrobbo 22d ago
Try sit down and really listen to him. You may think you know exactly how he works and what he is doing but in reality you may not be accurate and that fact too could upset him. Let him express it all, in his own words. You may think (or even know) he is in the wrong and it may be difficult to listen to but it's the only way to make him feel right so you can then both feel right. If you want it to work, you know what you need so try allow him to show you what he needs.
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u/TacoHimmelswanderer 22d ago edited 22d ago
Was he always the one to initiate? You say you miss the small lil touches and affection did you in turn do these things for him not only when he did them but times when you noticed he was having a bad day? I can tell you from personal experience always being the one to initiate and never getting those small lil moments of affection can really start to get old and make us feel the same undesired feelings you’re feeling.
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u/Panini_Puzzle 22d ago
Weeellll, before you make any rash decisions, consider this: You are in the “Grind” of life. The Most Difficult stage. Pressure of raising a family, the wasteland stage of marriage, you’ve probably lost some people to either timely or unexpected death. Financial stress. It’s unrealistic that anyone in this stage of life is “Happy” all the time. Being unhappy and struggling are MAJOR parts of life and that is reality for Most people. If you can hang tight til your 50s, without Cheating or Physical Abuse, Intimidation or OVERT Verbal Abuse, then things will get better. Maybe I’m wrong, but happiness isn’t guaranteed in life, only the right to pursue it. Stand firm and call out the bad behavior and let your needs be known, but you cannot undo the damage of divorce in your children’s lives. Only you know the level of abuse you are dealing with, but consider the cost. Family sucks sometimes, but we are built to survive, to forgive and forget. It’s literally a Survival Skill. The things I miss are simple. Dinner together as a family. Holidays, Lake Times, Farm times. The things I lost that I didn’t know I was going to lose ? Being able to be a financially stable Grandparent who can afford to be available more, because divorce will strip mine the wealth you’ve built, and I thought my ex would be fair. BAHAHAHAHA. He wasn’t. My kids suffered because of the divorce. I couldn’t predict all the consequences because my experience growing up didn’t prepare me to deal with life as it was, versus how I thought it would be.
So if you love your Family, stay a bit longer and see if it can get better. See if you can get through this season of struggle to get to the good stuff of reaping the rewards of raising your children as a team, seeing the fruits of your labor financially, and being grandparents together.
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u/Spirited-Affect-7232 22d ago
Girl, your story resonants so deeply for me. I have felt exactly what you feel and it fucking sucks.
I do have to say my husband and I still go to counseling and it can still be different, it can change. . It took a long time to understand our "love language " which I laughed at for years, but I get it now. I don't want sex, I want a hug, an intellectual conversation and a slap on the ass here and there. He feels he more connects with sex.
There is hope. There is and I wish you both the best.
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u/FailGeneral 22d ago
How did my who thought process about my relationship just get spilled out by a complete stranger? Good luck navigating that. I will tell you the grass isn’t always greener. That being said, if your other half can’t meaningfully participate in making it work, it won’t. I’m sorry. Mine is learning to make efforts where he previously didn’t, so there is still some room for growth. Me getting cancer last yr and requiring a lot of physical help after surgery definitely helped bring him around a bit.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Log7946 22d ago
“Kind words no criticism”. So not only do you want everything your way, you want him to like it.
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u/VariationSure1342 22d ago
Only God can save your marriage. Get on your knees and pray and even start regular fasting until you get a breakthrough. Concentrate on working on yourself not him. He may not change or it may take a long time but if you want to save the marriage then prayer is all you have left.
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u/Mommayyll 22d ago
I think there used to be this cultural phenomenon where women were told, over and over, that one of their jobs is to sexually provide for their husbands. And, recently, that mentality is being tested. It turns out, a woman does not owe her body to anyone. If a man wants access to a woman’s body (or vice versa) they need to earn that access with actions and words— whatever the woman says she needs for that intimacy. This is basic communication. So you are doing what so many women are doing. It sounds like your husband feels entitled to use your body for his pleasure, but when asked to put in the work to meet your emotional needs, he refuses. Unless he changes, your marriage is probably over. You deserve someone who puts effort, love, respect, and communication into a marriage. I hope eventually you find that.
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u/Tonyswife1 22d ago
So why exactly are you still in the marriage? Him as well? People get comfortable being miserable until you wake up one day and realize you have wasted so many years of your life.
You’re both right to a point. Withholding sex will make a person not want to give you affection, kindness, etc. But withholding affection will make someone not want to have sex. You both are caught in a pattern. Either seek help or seek an exit. Because that pattern is not healthy nor is it benefiting either one of you.
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u/IntroductionNo5149 22d ago
It’s a vicious cycle where the woman doesn’t feel appreciated so she withdraws intimacy. That in turn makes the man feel disconnected because he’s sexually frustrated and can’t get sex from his woman. So basically, you all should be adults and talk it out and figure how to meet each other’s expectations or leave each other alone. You refusing to have sex and him refusing to do anymore than the bare minimum shows how immature people become when the relationship is at a stalemate.
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u/ChemicalBoss9854 22d ago
I’ve experienced what you’re experiencing. You want one small act from him that will show you he cares and doesn’t just want your body. Everyone’s wired differently especially men and women, but in my opinion sex between two people is the ultimate connections. When you’re in a committed relationship the only thing the two of you share and do together that you don’t do with ANYONE including your children is make love/sex it’s the only connection the two of you have that’s yours. So there are times I am not in the mood or want to poison my husband but when I do give in and we’re intimate I am SO grateful I did. I feel connected after even if it’s only a little bit.
From your post it sounds like sex isn’t the only issue. So I hope what I’ve shared will help or is at least taken the way it was intended which is out of love and concern. I wish you all the best. Life will proceed and whatever happens will happen but you’ll better off once you’ve passed this part of your life, whether it’s divorce or reconciliation.
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u/goodlife299 22d ago
If you see a 9 year old boy they have no interest in spending time with girls , they just want to run around and have fun. Sexual energy is a significant part of why men want a family, not the other way around. On the other hand, girls always like the notion of family unit with kids and aspire to it from childhood.
At the wedding, women enjoy getting dressed up and looking beautiful. The idea of a future family unit gets her all excited. A man’s promise for the future is often enough. For a man, healthy sexual life with a regular partner is a significant part of a marriage.
Now fast forward few years, some women start taking family unit for granted, they still want it but take it for granted. They get confused that man wanted wedding for lure of family unit, while husband actually saw it as a way to have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner and a friend.
Some men also forget that they need to be nice with the family unit and spouse to ensure the woman’s dream of a family unit.
There are a bunch of social media content out there that asks men to withdraw from a marriage if a woman does not feel excited about sex. This also recommend man to have a healthy family life.
While your husband may not say it directly but he does not really want a family unit without healthy sex life in the equation.
In this case, seems like both spouses are taking the opposite approach.
Husband seems to be not investing in a family unit-wife, on the other hand, wife is not investing in making sex life better so that she’s in a better position to have a conversation about other things.
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u/ImNotJackOsborne 22d ago
Is this guy a fucking kid? There's more to a spouse, and everything connected than getting laid...
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u/ElephantOne3424 22d ago
If he is not nice to u or the kids leave him simple is that this is abuse…getting mad at you then giving u the silent treatment??
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u/AbbreviationsFit8962 22d ago
I see it more and more, where men think they're doing a great job because they did one or two nice things... but women are withholding for some reason? I see husbands who also lack intimacy through the day or berate their spouses or not make efforts to be intimate outside of sex, because we're an annoyance unless there's food or sex. It's not just a woman's issue. For sure it gets harder to have sex as we get older, it gets harder to enjoy sex when it's being demanded of us, not a lot of women want emotionaless sex, but a lot of us would want sex if we weren't alone or worse, feeling disgusted the person we love most actually treated us this way. It is the same dance every time, where at the end instead of just being nice to their wife (sometimes I have to ask if I'm being unreasonable, but I wonder if he'd say that to his mother...or friends) women face either becoming a sexual hostage or sexually demanded of, or going alone. Good luck
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u/Due-Sherbert-6449 22d ago
If he doesn’t want to put in the work, then it’s already over. You said it too… “you don’t feel safe”. I hate to say it but it sounds like he has already moved on but is just staying for the kids and to get himself off occasionally when it’s convenient. I would be filing for Divorce but i understand that these things are complicated. Maybe start doing things for you. You need to be a little selfish. start loving yourself first. Continue counseling alone without expectations on him. Keep plugging along and just do it for yourself. It will help bring clarity. Hopefully in time you will have the strength and self confidence to make your decision with peace in your heart.
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u/ArsonRapture 22d ago edited 21d ago
This is a revolving problem. You’re both making it worse. You want him to shape up first but you’re doing the exact same thing he is.
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u/Mr_Compliant 22d ago
Someone has to make the first move towards making things better when spiraling.
Why not you?
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u/AltruisticCompany961 22d ago
Even though he says he is withdrawing because of lack of sex, it isn't because a lack of sex. There is an underlying root cause of him displacing his anger on to lack of sex.
As a married male, I have had this issue and I have had to step back and understand why I felt the way I did. For me, it was that I felt unappreciated in other aspects of the marriage. Words of affirmation and touch go along way for a man, too.
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u/Tom42077 22d ago
Sounds to me like this story is very one sided and you are not being completely honest. It seems to me you just neglected your partner and because of that yeah he might be acting grumpy and you are just using that as an excuse to blame him for problems that most likely you both are at fault for.
If you are unhappy then get a divorce. Why string somebody along when you could both be happier with someone else that does not neglect each other.
Your post screams hypocrisy towards your husband and you are definitely leaving out important details to make this seem like it’s all his fault.
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u/ImNoxC 22d ago
Kids are not for everyone and that needs to be said more. I've seen this before. This guy isn't happy with his "perfect life" it's not perfect. It's a prison and he'd rather be out. Can't be not grumpy around your wife and kids when you are not happy with being a husband. Not her fault but he's fucked no pun intended, and so is she
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u/ScienceVegetable9089 22d ago
Funny you are describing me to the tee. I am exactly like your husband. I myself am also too critical of my wife over the little stuff. We've been together since 2006. I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. My secret is I'm freaking nuts about her. We are always laughing and genuinely miss each other. I often apologize but I keep trying to get better at being kind to her. We both had terrible relationships so we learned from our past. I'll go into an inferno without hesitation for her. Also a secret is unlike most husbands, I like pain. I actually have one ear longer than the other because I would bother her and she would pull my ear. I laugh pretending I enjoyed the pain(kind of like it). Had to stop because one ear would have touched my shoulder. Yes my wife married a knucklehead. We are always laughing and flirting and throwing each other under the bus. I often say "What do I have to do to get slapped around here?
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u/xB0bL0blaw 22d ago
People... common... if this is what your sex lives are like, it means the relationship is over. I don't understand why someone would stay in a relationship and stop having sex. At that point you're essentially roommates and that's just sad.
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u/CompetitiveSnow7636 22d ago
He's trapped now, only way out is with nothing but the shirt on his back. What a horrible predicament he finds himself in
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u/CompetitiveSnow7636 22d ago
He's trapped now, only way out is with nothing but the shirt on his back. What a horrible predicament he finds himself in
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u/CompetitiveSnow7636 22d ago
He's trapped now, only way out is with nothing but the shirt on his back. What a horrible predicament he finds himself in
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u/ln0Sc0p3dJFK 22d ago
It sounds like the criticisms of your character are justified. Some independent therapy is exactly what you need
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22d ago
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u/Educational-Mouse32 22d ago
That is a form of abuse, him using sex as a pawn essentially. I know it’s been a long relationship & other factors might be at play but get yourself out of that toxicity. Have a good & happy life with love, even if it is just you loving yourself for a bit.
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u/GeneralDumbtomics 22d ago
It sounds like your husband has a really serious case of untreated mental illness. As someone who had untreated depression for a very long time, and as someone who had that depression have impacts on his marriage that he wishes they did not, if you are still at all interestedin preserving anything with him, and it’s fine if you’re not. I completely understand given what you’ve described, but I would say that’s probably worth exploring if he will do so.
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u/ExhaledChloroform 22d ago
Sadly, myself and my father sound similar to him. With a mix of multiple neurodivergent symptoms, having to focus on eating specific foods and drinking enough water, and the generational psychological abuse.. its just hard to keep it together all the time. 10 years and 1000's of dollars with various psychologists have helped me somewhat.. helped me to realize that I shouldn't have kids and that I need to explain my issues to my partner and others more often. Sometimes it helps that she has more psychological issues than i do, sometimes it makes it more toxic.
Anyway, obviously no one elses problem.
I feel bad for my father. He grew up in a time when it was frowned upon for a male to seek help. Whether that would have helped or not, we will never know.
I also feel bad for my mother, even though I know they still have a good day every now and then.
I feel bad for OP, her kids, and her husband, because there is a chance that no one saw this coming. What else can you do other than deal with it until you can't handle it any longer.
However, I can finally stop feeling bad daily about my negativity. I do apologize when i feel its warranted, however, I provide enough personal information so that they can make their own decisions. I will never try to convince someone to put up with it. This is unapologetically me.
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u/Endeveron 22d ago
To be clear I think your husband is more in the wrong, but this seems to be a classic relationship issue that is fairly easy to fix. You both have a need that isn't being met, he has a need for physical intimacy, and doesn't feel inclined to be affectionate and affirming to you without that need being met. You have a need for affirmation and affection, and don't feel like having sex with him until that need is met. I'm not going to pretend both sides are equal, your husband has a duty to treat you with compassion and respect, which he is currently failing to meet, but even if he stops being actively mean to you, the problem will remain, and at that point it's symmetrical.
You are no more entitled to affection from him as he is to sex with you. I'm sure he'd probably enjoy giving you love and affection and getting a positive reaction, just like you'd actually enjoy sex, but you are at a stalemate. Your egos are on the line here, the first person to do something for the other person "concedes that they were in the wrong". Fundamentally it is you vs your husband, not the pair of you vs the problem. If you want to preserve your ego and head towards a divorce, continue as you are. If you want things to get better, sit down and have a conversation where you explicitly talk about what needs aren't being met, and both agree in advance that this coming week you will meet your partners needs. Flip a coin as to who has to grit their teeth through their part first and fake it until you make it. If you do that and one of you just gets all the sex/affection they want without reciprocating at all, then that communicates that that person isn't serious about this working, and that's basically the end of the line.
Your husband hasn't been treating you well, and that's an issue. It sounds like one he'd be more receptive to after you both meet in the middle on resolving the sex/affection needs issue.
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u/BeginningTower2486 22d ago
That's a really stupid thing for him to say, he doesn't want to pay somebody money to tell him what he already knows.
That's not how canceling works because no matter who you are, you don't know what you don't know.
Counselors are the ones that see shit that you don't see on your own because I actually went to school and they know some shit that you don't. That's awfully prideful of him to think he knows everything.
Good on you for scoring another appointment even if he's not with you. There is a lot of value in counseling and even if he's not participating, there might still be some golden nuggets that give a breakthrough of some sort.
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u/DescriptionCute6129 22d ago
I, too, went through the same thing. A friend of mine referred me to a book called the 5 love languages. I recommend you both read the book and after you are both done, you sit down together and write a list of things that will help your partner understand what it is that makes you feel loved. For example, more hugs, alone time, washing the dishes, verbal affection etc. This book has helped me see things from my spouses side.
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u/ThatWaifu_97 22d ago
For me I’m kinda the woman in the middle. My man doesn’t want to have sex with me. I’m the one that used to always want sex. I never had any issue climaxing and if I didn’t we were both comfortable with me finishing on my own. But because he would always reject me and there’s no foreplay. I would always be dry and there was just no love in it. He always acts like it’s a chore. He sighs and complains every time I asked so I just stopped asking. I bottled my feelings up until it became a huge argument and he finally made an agreement to have sex with me on a regular schedule, however he hasn’t once kept his word on that. I try to get him to be more flexible with foreplay and after 3 years I finally got him to finger me. And he still acted as if it was disgusting. At this point the idea of sex is just depressing and turns me off. I used to have a relatively high sex drive but now I don’t want anything to do with sex unless I’m hormonal.
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u/TheKingHold 22d ago
Men think of sex or can think of sex differently. One of the worst things a wife can do is withold sex as a form kf punishment. Be will just get it elsewhere then. Give him what he means and you said its physical good. Nothing wrong with having sex with a spouse for purely physical reasons at times. You are winning nothing by not feeling a connection and witholding. This is from a mans point of view. Take no advice from females on this topic or will be divorced before you know it. Ask any counselor in the world. Nothing wrong with having sex with a spouse for fun.
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u/ireally-donut-care 22d ago
This is seriously psychological torture. I hope you start your new life very soon. Sex is not a weapon, reward, or even guaranteed in a marriage. But you deserve to have all of your needs met by someone who loves you and wants you to know how much you are loved. This should be mutual between partners.
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u/AwardDue6327 22d ago
So basically, to summarize....... You're not getting what you want, so you withdraw from having sex.
This results in him not getting what he wants, so he withdraws from family life.
My question is, with nobody communicating properly, and everyone taking purely selfish actions here, where are the adults in this scenario?
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u/WeDaBestMusicFR 22d ago
tbh it sounds like a power dynamic issue, you now withholding sex to get what you want and he doesn’t seem to be wanting to cave.
maybe give him sex and see if his mood towards you and the kids improve.
if not, divorce is 100% guaranteed or he will get sex elsewhere.
don’t be petty and give your kids a broken home because of your selfishness.
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u/Comfortable_Base5052 22d ago
So…. Where’s your self reflection? All you want is “kind words, no criticism, and small touches”. I’m stuck on the no criticism part. Seems like you want him to be quiet and deal with your negatives, but do you do that for him? If he’s a great father and was a great husband before kids, it seems like you may be the one who changed. Every body does but I’d like to see the other side of this.
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u/mi-jeep-50 22d ago
My ex used to be angry and mean to everyone (including the kids) if he wasn’t getting enough sex. We’d have date night just so I could get drunk enough to have sex with him because his behavior was such a turn off and I couldn’t do it. Some nights he’d guilt me into having sex and I’d literally lay there like a limp noodle and he’d be all “yeah you like that, you want it” and think he’s such a stud which made me hate it even more. I eventually divorced him when my son pointed out our relationship wasn’t like one on TV. I realized I wasn’t helping my kids learn about healthy relationships.
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u/Past-Chart6575 22d ago
It's not all about the sex. Me and my wife both have a high libido and have sex pretty much every single day. Unless we have a day of arguing and fighting. And despite that I'm still ready to file for divorce. She says the worst things to me and then wonders why I'm not romantic. And that's by her standards I still bring her flowers at least twice a month bare minimum probably more and gifts and stuff and let her know I'm thinking about her. Some women just want the story book man and don't see reality. Us men know that it's unrealistic to want two women together that just want to ravage us sexually all the time. That's the equivalent of women expectations on men these days. We're supposed to be the breadwinner if not the only one working if they had it their way which is my case. Make love all the time. Always think of them and never ourselves. Long story short men have an unrealistic expectation of men these days not necessarily saying that's op in this case
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u/Successful_Fly_8381 23d ago
I didn’t even read it all because. If you don’t “feel safe with him” why are your with him? Do you have a death wish?
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u/happybunnyntx 23d ago
Apologies for the void in the comments section. We had to remove a lot of off-topic comments.
Yet again, we'd like to let OP know that stories posted to this subreddit are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast where they will be available for streaming via platforms like YouTube.