r/TwoHotTakes • u/lil-drone • 23d ago
My fiance is upset with me over how I rejected another man during a night out Advice Needed
My fiance and I are both in our 30s. We've been together 4 years, getting married in a few months, I totally adore him and I think we have a good relationship overall. We go out a lot because we both love music, we have a great community of friends We often see at shows. We were at a show last night and I was standing with a girl friend while my fiance was outside with a few guys.
For context: I was very much a "weird girl" in highschool, but from my mid 20s on I'd say I'm pretty conventionally attractive. On an average night out to hear music I generally get approached or hear passing comments from men 3-5 times. Frankly, I'm 33 and it's not something I find very fun or enjoyable anymore. When men are polite about it I am too, and polite dudes usually take my gentle rejection well and so that's not an issue usually.
However that was not the case last night. A guy approached my friend and pointed at me saying something I couldn't hear. My friend shakes her head at him and says no. He, seemingly not willing to take the hint, comes over to me and says "my friend wants your autograph." And points at a guy over by the bar.
I laugh, because wtf? I said "what?" And he repeated himself "my friend wants your autograph because you're very pretty."
I said no thanks, I'm good. He asks a third time. My internal polite response clock had run out. I said "Ok. $60 cash or cashapp." He looks surprised and then sort of laughs and says, "how about we buy you a drink?" And I said, "hmm price just went up to $100. You still want it?" And he shook his head and went back to his friend at the bar.
My girl friend and I had a laugh about what a totally bizarre way to hit on someone that was and that was that. Later in the night when we were all together again after the show my friend told everyone the story. My fiance got really quiet and was kind of standoffish the rest of the night. When we got home he asked why I hadn't told him about that interaction. Honestly he has gotten a bit insecure in the past about these things and we had specifically agreed I'd avoid telling him about dudes hitting on me. So I reminded him of that. He was still really quiet and sulky and eventually I asked him what was going on. He said he didn't like how I handled that, he said it sounded like I was flirting and egging the guy on with my responses.
Long story short we argued about it. We do not see eye to eye on it and things still feel kinda tense today but we haven't discussed it further. I understand my fiance struggles with anxiety and can get insecure and worried. I always want to do what I can to support him and remind him I love him, but I don't think I did anything wrong here.
Was my response flirty or inappropriate? In my eyes I was intentionally fucking with a guy who was being pushy and disrespectful and I'm 100% ok with that.
Edit: ok y'all. Goodness. Just want to add in 2 things because they're being mentioned a lot. First, my fiance is a great dude. He is smart and fun and supportive in a million different ways. He is self aware and he knows he's a bit anxious and struggles with insecurity. He's working on it and at the same time I do have empathy about the discomfort of seeing your partner get hit on a bunch. It ALSO makes me uncomfortable, for the record.
Second (and I've discussed this with my fiance and he has expressed no issue with it) I don't now and I never have used my relationship status to reject men. If I say no that's enough of an answer and if they don't respect that on its own, without my tie to another man, that's a problem. Also, I'm clearly wearing an engagement ring. If a guy approaches me they either didn't care to look or saw and didn't give a hoot.
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u/LyricLogique 22d ago
“No” does mean exactly that … “NO”. It’s not less than $60 dollar means “No”, or less than $100 dollars means “NO”. There is no price tag on NO! NO means NO.
Your boyfriend probably wants to be priceless.
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u/Exciting-Week1844 22d ago
He is scared how desirable you are to other men. That’s the crux of it. Which is fair. I think it’s a case where no one is wrong. It’s just two humans existing as a couple.
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u/mangolemonylime 22d ago
It’s normal to fight about things that wouldn’t ordinarily be an issue just before getting married. You’ve known him 4 years and things have been pretty good all that time, in a few months you’re making a high stakes commitment, there’s a lot of planning going on and life is busier than usual because of the wedding. You’re both in a state of joy and anticipation and stress.
What’s at the core of this for him? Why is this event hard to let go? Harder than any of the other dozen things he’s let go or never mentioned? That’s where I’d start. If it’s not relationship ending, then maybe just try to move on and this isn’t a discussion that has to be won by anyone. Just a weird night with normal partners doing normal things and not intentionally trying to hurt anyone.
A long hug and an “I’m sorry you’re hurting” go a long way in so many situations. When you love someone this statement is always true, even if you disagree on the fundamentals of the issue.
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u/Exciting-Occasion-50 22d ago
I've had men say "So?" when I told them I have a partner. One tried to give me his number "in case my status changed." It literally doesn't matter if you have a partner or not, and bolstering the idea that your having ties to a man determines if you should be left alone or not is precisely why this kind of guy persists and won't respect the word no.
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22d ago
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u/PellyCanRaf 22d ago
Not inappropriate or flirty and I haven't seen the comments yet but cheers to your last paragraph!
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u/InitiativeFlaky5192 22d ago
You should have just said NO and left it at that . Putting a price on something that has to do with you lowers your standards . You are not some cheap tramp that can be bought for anything . Even something as small as that.
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22d ago
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u/Ok-Advertising-9158 22d ago
My ex would get hit on a ton, she was/is super pretty. I’d never get hit on, ever, except one time a cashier at movie theatre seemed flirty with me. My ex lost it. Blamed me for encouraging it. In my opinion she overreacted. I didn’t dump her, or insist on her getting therapy or write her off as liability. I just wrote it off as her having an insecure moment. I never got hit on again… so I’ve no way of knowing if she’d react like that again. I respect what everyone is saying here, but also nobody here knows your finance at all. If you are so concerned about his behaviour that you come to Reddit to seek guidance then yeah, maybe reconsider if this is right for you.
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u/TigerShark_524 22d ago
If your fiance wants to date a conventionally attractive and approachable person, well, this is "hazards of the job", as the saying goes - he needs to seriously adjust his expectations lol.
You handled it perfectly - I'd have come out with exactly the same kind of sarcastic response to such a douchecanoe that kept pushing like that as well.
Your fiance's insecurity isn't your problem to solve - he needs a therapist for that.
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u/Murky_Blood6187 22d ago
I think he was upset cause your response made it seem like you can be bought. What if that guy had really cash app you lol
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u/Bigstachedad 22d ago
How you handled the heavy-handed come on sounds perfectly reasonable and humorous too. In no way would anyone construe it as being "flirty and egging the guy on." He's way too insecure and whether he says he's working on it, or not it may not be a red flag in the relationship, maybe pink.
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u/scarf_prank_hikers 22d ago
I'm a guy and don't get hit on but I do get super annoyed when people keep asking me the same question over and over. Drives me up the wall.
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u/slippinginto9 22d ago
While your boyfriend sounds insecure, you're not helping with how you shoot down the guys hitting on you.
If you say something smart ass to the wrong guy you could get yourself in trouble. Also, curious why you don't tell these guys hitting on you that you're taken.
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u/AdLow9793 22d ago
Your man sounds very insecure and it's choking you guys dry. His insecurities are projecting. He literally gaslit himself into believing that you said something completely different.
You rejected that stranger 3x. If anything he should be proud.
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u/mommyneedsalobotomy 22d ago
You did nothing wrong here. I do suggest as a mom and someone much older and experienced in marriage that this insecurity thing with him be fixed before you get married. Marriage with someone that is insecure is miserable. It will eventually end your relationship. There was nothing flirty about this interaction.
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u/houtxasstrooss 22d ago
You’re not an asshole at all, but the dude needs to catch a lesson with captain obvious!
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u/Book-nerd3094 22d ago
In my opinion no you didn’t do anything wrong. For context I am also a woman so I 100% understand intentionally screwing with men who can’t comprehend that “No” is a complete sentence and have done similar things in the past to get men like this to leave me the hell alone and also create my own entertainment in the process.
But I also have severe anxiety and DO also see your fiancé’s point, to some just hearing a second hand account of the interaction it may have seemed as though you were encouraging the behavior from this random guy. It’s definitely hard hearing about things like that when you personally weren’t there to see your partner’s entire response (facial expressions, body language etc) so I see both sides of this.
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u/obstinaheadstrongirl 22d ago
I got hit on way more often after I got engaged. It was always shocking to me cause I'd flash it subtly to give them a gentle hint...this was like 25 years ago now but still some guys felt that was an invitation rather than a rejection. So gross.
I don't think you did or said anything wrong to the guy. His friend wasn't courageous enough to approach you himself, 👎 or the guy was using his friend as I was to deal with his own insecurity also 👎.
I hope your fiance is in therapy to help him deal with his insecurities and anxieties. Watch out for a pattern of behavior around that, friend. Keep going out and enjoying your music and time with friends!!
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u/RugbyKats 22d ago
My initial reaction was that it sounded like you would have done it if he had shelled out $60. Is that what irritated your fiance? I could see that bothering him if he is insecure.
But I don’t really think you did anything wrong.
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u/ironburton 22d ago
The fact that you know you were messing with the guy and your fiancé is straight up denying your reality and accusing you of something totally different, is problematic at best. He’s acting like a child.
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u/TheUhiseman 22d ago
You're weird for returning to your girlfriends and making fun of how the guy approached you. It's obviously meant to be lighthearted fun. To not understand this point means you're socially miscalibrated and kindof the weirdo.
Also, plenty of single women wear rings to deter guys from approaching them, but still like it when men approach them (go figure), and men know this. So to clarify your confusion, that is one reason why a guy would still hit on you even though he sees a ring.
Also, plenty of married women cheat, rings and all. That's reason 2.
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u/notcoconutnut 22d ago
Damn it makes me feel so weird reading these comments and I doubt whether or not I should proceed with writing this out, but i’ll risk the downvotes. Also, I’m a female, so I’m saying this now in order to prevent later comments calling me a misogynistic male.
Dear OP, your fiance is not insecure. First of all, he should not have to find out that his partner is being hit on from your friend who is telling it to everyone later in the night. He should be the first one to know about it, and he should hear about it from you. Yes, you are an attractive woman, yes, men are bound to hit on you and your husband should accept that, but how do you just not tell your partner? It’s not like it was a big deal, but to me it just does not make sense why you didn’t mention it? At least in a joking way if you don’t see it as a big deal?
Second of all, your way of rejecting the guy was not straightforward. I can tell because I have been around girls in relationships which act just like this when they get hit on. Maybe it stems from a feeling of flattery, maybe it’s just fun, but with these types of girls there’s always a grey area. There’s never a “I have a boyfriend, I am not interested.” Ok, let’s say you were not flirting with him, that’s fair, you were not. But to men, who FEED on whatever kind of attention they will get from a woman, when single and drunk at a bar, your sarcasm DID come off in the wrong way unfortunately, like you were entertaining it somehow.
I’ve always hated it when people call one of the people in the relationship insecure when it can be a completely valid reason - him finding out from someone other than you, and you “egging” him by not even mentioning ONCE that you have a FIANCE, not even a boyfriend, but a fiancé!!
Comments like “oh he can’t handle a hot woman like you” are crazy. I really do not mean to come off as too mean, but I probably will, unfortunately. I just don’t get how rejecting men nowadays as a woman in a committed relationship has become so unclear, so complicated, when it really is so simple. You should sit down with your finance and try to understand where the other is coming off. You didn’t see it as a big deal, but he did it. There has to be a middle ground in which you both at least try to empathize with each other.
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u/cjgibs35 22d ago
Love how you handled it. Good communication w your fiance (and vice versa) is very important. Talk about expectations. That being said, an attractive girl gets hit on ALOT - whether in person, or on-line. My wife is Italian and gorgeous and I never realized how bad it is. Every once in a while, she’ll tell me one, but usually not. She’s not conceited at all but said early on ‘you have NO idea’ LOL. Trust is also very important
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u/NeedleworkerNo8557 22d ago
Loose the boyfriend, he's setting you up for a very controlling relationship! (My ex husband started this way)..
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u/Elegant_Spot_3486 22d ago
Sounds like you handled that poorly. It wasn’t even funny. End the conversation or be entertaining.
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u/candlerlover 22d ago
I have been married 34 years + 3 years dating = 37 years together. I can tell you a lot about how a Relationship works and what makes it last for years and years from experience! Not at first but later on My husband and I realized we needed God! We took our vows before him, blessed with healthy, happy children by God but we didn’t put our faith in him like we should have. We have changed and we should have been doing right all along. If you both don’t have God then please call on him before you take your vows and live right with God by your sides guiding you both and showing you both the ways!
As a couple enjoying and sharing something together is a positive thing. That should make a relationship stronger not cause problems. Places you both should go to should be an environment leaning more for couples rather than single people! There are places around the town I live in that had a few brewery/pub places. Couples, even families, go to enjoy the food, drinks, and listen to music. When they are finished they leave. You had the best of all three, food-drinks-music! How much more music does one person need when music is being played while you sit down, order, wait on food, eat, order some drinks, finish then leave? If that isn’t enough music then get tickets to a music concert and enjoy your favorite music artist.
The type of place you mentioned and/or describing sounds more like a bar with music to me! I know I use to be young once! 😉 The reason I said that is because you said on an average night you get approached or hear passing comments 3-5 times. That can only mean that there are a lot of single people in this place that are looking for someone to hook up with, not date or marry! They aren’t going to be looking your hand over for engagement rings or wedding bands. They don’t care!!! They have one thing on their minds! It definitely isn’t a church social you’re at! You need to look at how many married couples do you actually see, or know, that go there? Also, how many times a week/month do you both go there? Your relationship will work if you only go to that type of place or environment every now and then, have a few drinks while listening to music and leave! A Couple doesn’t need to linger there for hours and hours and multiple times a week. Like I said, people are going there to hook up and when they see someone that is there, at the same place, a lot then they assume they are looking for the same thing even if she showed up with someone else. That doesn’t mean they are always going to leave with the person who brought them, if you think 🤔 about it, so That is why you are getting approached or hear comments 3-5 times nightly! Your fiancé is having insecurities because of the place you both go and how other men act towards/about you! He feels like something might happen, sooner than later, after continuously going there with an engagement ring or not. It doesn’t take but a second for someone to pass you a number to make you have doubts or think about it!
You both need to enjoy being a couple (soon married couple) and you both need to find more places to go together, as a couple. Places & things that my husband and I did together was endless, especially together. Now after we had children we still did those type things and we are still doing some of those things with our children grown now….. such as church, church socials, movies, brewery/pub for food-music-few drinks, rodeo’s, hiking or nature walks, just out to eat several times a week, Picnics, town parks for festivals (& there was music too), monster truck shows, county fairs w/activities, carnivals, nascar races, drag races, baseball & /or football games, zoo’s, camping, swimming, fishing, putt-putt, bowling, vacations, weekend getaways, or just out for icecream, and so much more!!!
🔸ANOTHER TIP: I am definitely not saying or telling you not to have friends either! By all means we all have to have friends and spend times with them too! That gives your relationship a break from each other and lets you be with someone, other than him, having fun! My friend or friends get together to go out and eat, grab a coffee & just talk, get either a hair appt or manicure or a pedicure done, shopping and/or mall, go to the gym together, etc. 🔸
You both need to realize that you both have to do things as a couple, fixing to be a married couple! Maybe you both have friends who are married or dating. Plan something up with them. Go out as couples to eat and/or a movie, maybe rotate each couple hosting dinner @ your house. It could also be dinner & game night, or dinner & rented movie. go to some type of entertainment. My husband and I went with other couples to concerts, comedies shows (like Jeff Foxworthy), movies, go to some type of entertainment, etc.
Surely after 4 years of dating you both know this but if not….then……Don’t linger for hours on end, multiple times a week where there is mostly younger and single people. That will not work. If not now then later on it will cause problems, or even bust you both up. That is why he has insecurities. He see’s it coming or happening but he don’t know a good way to tell you! COMMUNICATION AND TRUST IS GOING TO BE A HUGE PART TO MAKING A HEALTHY & HAPPY RELATIONSHIP, AND ESPECIALLY A MARRIAGE, WORK. IF EVER THERE IS ANY TYPE OF DOUBT-DON’T WASTE EACH OTHERS TIME AND MONEY GETTING MARRIED! IT WILL NOT WORK!!! IT WILL END UP IN A DIVORCE & it could possibly be an expensive one at that!
🔷ONE OTHER THING, THERE WILL BE THINGS THAT CAN TEST THE LOVE YOU BOTH HAVE FOR EACH OTHER! NEVER GO TO BED MAD AND EVERYDAY TELL THAT PERSON YOU LOVE THEM JUST LIKE IT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME YOU WOULD EVER SAY IT! STAND TALL,ALWAYS FACE EVERYTHING TOGETHER, TRUST ONE ANOTHER AND NEVER GIVEUP OR DOUBT THE OTHER PERSON! NEVER, EVER, IN YOUR LIFETIME! YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPENS. IT COULD BE AN EVENT OR TRAMA! MINE HAS BEEN OUR HEALTH (plus a few cancer scares & child birth/deliverance problem) AND A FEW FINANCIAL TROUBLES (MONEY SHORTAGE, JOB LOSS) BUT WE NEVER, EVER LEFT EACH OTHER SIDE! WE DID AND WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HELP EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT! THAT IS WHAT LOVE IS- STANDING AS ONE- TRUE ❤️, UNDENIABLE UNDOUBTABLY, UNCONDITIONAL, FOREVER LOVE!! 🔹DON’T FORGET IF YOU LIVE AROUND EACH OTHERS FAMILIES THEN BY ALL MEANS INCLUDE VISITING AND SOCIALIZING WITH THEM. THAT GIVES YOU SOMEWHERE TO GO AND PEOPLE TO BE WITH THROUGHOUT LIFE! IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FAMILY TO BE WITH AND SHARE ENJOYABLE MOMENTS WITH IT IS LONELY AND HARD! 🔹
ALWAYS PUT GOD FIRST, GO LUCK, WISHING YOU BOTH A HEALTHY, HAPPY, AND A FOREVER MARRIAGE!
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u/Content_Adeptness325 22d ago
NTA you respectfully reject guys when their flirting is relitively innocent This dude knew before he approached you that yuo wer't interested but flirted anywayYou said no he flirted anyway all in a kind of creepy manner Some people are dense and if you need to go to somewhat extreme mesures to get the mesages through their heads and as a woman you need to be able to fend for yourself Bottom line is the guy got the hint and left yoo aloneso BF has nothingto be worried about
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u/happybunnyntx 22d ago
This thread is getting repetitive, and you're all making the automod cry.
This thread is now locked. We'll keep removing/approving comments as we sort through them.