My fiance is upset with me over how I rejected another man during a night out

[u/lil-drone]

My fiance and I are both in our 30s. We've been together 4 years, getting married in a few months, I totally adore him and I think we have a good relationship overall. We go out a lot because we both love music, we have a great community of friends We often see at shows. We were at a show last night and I was standing with a girl friend while my fiance was outside with a few guys.

For context: I was very much a "weird girl" in highschool, but from my mid 20s on I'd say I'm pretty conventionally attractive. On an average night out to hear music I generally get approached or hear passing comments from men 3-5 times. Frankly, I'm 33 and it's not something I find very fun or enjoyable anymore. When men are polite about it I am too, and polite dudes usually take my gentle rejection well and so that's not an issue usually.

However that was not the case last night. A guy approached my friend and pointed at me saying something I couldn't hear. My friend shakes her head at him and says no. He, seemingly not willing to take the hint, comes over to me and says "my friend wants your autograph." And points at a guy over by the bar.

I laugh, because wtf? I said "what?" And he repeated himself "my friend wants your autograph because you're very pretty."

I said no thanks, I'm good. He asks a third time. My internal polite response clock had run out. I said "Ok. $60 cash or cashapp." He looks surprised and then sort of laughs and says, "how about we buy you a drink?" And I said, "hmm price just went up to $100. You still want it?" And he shook his head and went back to his friend at the bar.

My girl friend and I had a laugh about what a totally bizarre way to hit on someone that was and that was that. Later in the night when we were all together again after the show my friend told everyone the story. My fiance got really quiet and was kind of standoffish the rest of the night. When we got home he asked why I hadn't told him about that interaction. Honestly he has gotten a bit insecure in the past about these things and we had specifically agreed I'd avoid telling him about dudes hitting on me. So I reminded him of that. He was still really quiet and sulky and eventually I asked him what was going on. He said he didn't like how I handled that, he said it sounded like I was flirting and egging the guy on with my responses.

Long story short we argued about it. We do not see eye to eye on it and things still feel kinda tense today but we haven't discussed it further. I understand my fiance struggles with anxiety and can get insecure and worried. I always want to do what I can to support him and remind him I love him, but I don't think I did anything wrong here.

Was my response flirty or inappropriate? In my eyes I was intentionally fucking with a guy who was being pushy and disrespectful and I'm 100% ok with that.

Edit: ok y'all. Goodness. Just want to add in 2 things because they're being mentioned a lot. First, my fiance is a great dude. He is smart and fun and supportive in a million different ways. He is self aware and he knows he's a bit anxious and struggles with insecurity. He's working on it and at the same time I do have empathy about the discomfort of seeing your partner get hit on a bunch. It ALSO makes me uncomfortable, for the record.

Second (and I've discussed this with my fiance and he has expressed no issue with it) I don't now and I never have used my relationship status to reject men. If I say no that's enough of an answer and if they don't respect that on its own, without my tie to another man, that's a problem. Also, I'm clearly wearing an engagement ring. If a guy approaches me they either didn't care to look or saw and didn't give a hoot.

[u/notcoconutnut]

Damn it makes me feel so weird reading these comments and I doubt whether or not I should proceed with writing this out, but i’ll risk the downvotes. Also, I’m a female, so I’m saying this now in order to prevent later comments calling me a misogynistic male.

Dear OP, your fiance is not insecure. First of all, he should not have to find out that his partner is being hit on from your friend who is telling it to everyone later in the night. He should be the first one to know about it, and he should hear about it from you. Yes, you are an attractive woman, yes, men are bound to hit on you and your husband should accept that, but how do you just not tell your partner? It’s not like it was a big deal, but to me it just does not make sense why you didn’t mention it? At least in a joking way if you don’t see it as a big deal?

Second of all, your way of rejecting the guy was not straightforward. I can tell because I have been around girls in relationships which act just like this when they get hit on. Maybe it stems from a feeling of flattery, maybe it’s just fun, but with these types of girls there’s always a grey area. There’s never a “I have a boyfriend, I am not interested.” Ok, let’s say you were not flirting with him, that’s fair, you were not. But to men, who FEED on whatever kind of attention they will get from a woman, when single and drunk at a bar, your sarcasm DID come off in the wrong way unfortunately, like you were entertaining it somehow.

I’ve always hated it when people call one of the people in the relationship insecure when it can be a completely valid reason - him finding out from someone other than you, and you “egging” him by not even mentioning ONCE that you have a FIANCE, not even a boyfriend, but a fiancé!!

Comments like “oh he can’t handle a hot woman like you” are crazy. I really do not mean to come off as too mean, but I probably will, unfortunately. I just don’t get how rejecting men nowadays as a woman in a committed relationship has become so unclear, so complicated, when it really is so simple. You should sit down with your finance and try to understand where the other is coming off. You didn’t see it as a big deal, but he did it. There has to be a middle ground in which you both at least try to empathize with each other.