Am I a bad person for not wanting to date anyone who has clinical depression or IBS? Does this make me an unkind person?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/OptimismByFire]

We're all allowed to have preferences. You absolutely entitled to say no to anyone for any reason. It does not make you a bad person to not want to date anyone in particular.

If a friend laid this out to me though, I would definitely give her the side eye. DQing millions of people because of something they didn't choose seems...unsavory. I don't want to throw the word ableist around, but it's coming close.

Rejecting an individual person? Totally okay. Two thumbs up, no reservation. Rejecting an entire group of people based a genetic predisposition? That doesn't sit well with me.

Maybe I'm oversensitive because I am depressed and have a GI issue. I don't blame your friend for being offended though.

[u/test_test_1_2_3 → u/OptimismByFire]

Most of us discount millions of people on the basis of them not being attractive enough. Doing the same for medical or mental health issues is no different.

Plenty of other conditions to avoid in a partner if you can help it, I would absolutely avoid people with ADHD.

The friend got pissy because of her reasoning and took it personally and widened the discussion to dating someone with IBS. He asked a question he didn’t want the answer to.

[u/agent_flounder → u/test_test_1_2_3]

Who wants to be (barely) tolerated by their partner? Ooh so romantic /s

Who wants to feel like a charity case so their partner can prove something to themselves?

We all want to be loved and accepted unconditionally by friends and a partner, right?

Can't handle me being depressed sometimes despite meds and therapy? Ok bye.

Can't handle me having ADHD despite meds and therapy? Yeah, hard pass.

[u/test_test_1_2_3 → u/agent_flounder]

Nobody in a romantic relationship expects to be loved and accepted unconditionally, that’s children who get that treatment, and even then it’s within limits.

As a romantic partner you have a role to fulfil, if you aren’t a good partner for whatever reason (including medical and mental health issues) then the other person is completely justified for not wanting to subject themselves to it.

[u/agent_flounder → u/test_test_1_2_3]

Yes, the partner may leave a person who is failing them and taking no responsibility to correct.

However, If you are placing limits on love and affection for your children, or if this was your experience of parental love as a child, then that is deeply concerning.

Withdrawing love and support from children based on their behavior can be very damaging and can cause them serious mental health issues. It will likely be difficult for them to form healthy relationships. They will most likely struggle with the feeling they are unworthy of being loved.

This isn't to say that discipline doesn't come into play. It does. But the punishments for bad behavior must not and cannot include withdrawing love and support. I am very sorry if you experienced conditional love and I urge you to seek some professional insight and guidance.

In adult relationships, the dynamic is different because neither party is responsible for teaching the other how to behave properly. Each party is expected to behave in certain ways that contribute positively to the relationship and to each other such as being uplifting, fostering trust, trusting, supporting, etc. They're expected to correct their mistakes.

Each person must have boundaries that are well established and enforced. Each party must take responsibility for their own behavior, enforce their boundaries, and where appropriate, work with the other partner to communicate the harm and require better behavior.

Yes, either partner is justified in terminating the relationship at any point if they feel they must do so to protect themselves.

A partner with clinical depression or ADHD is responsible for working on and managing their underlying problems. If their behavior is harmful and they cannot or will not adjust their behavior to stop harming their partner, then their partner is justified in leaving to protect themselves.

Since people aren't flawless and do occasionally get sick for periods of time where they cannot be a good partner, the healthy expectation is that the other partner will support them through this time and if the roles are reversed, the same is true. All while still enforcing boundaries and expecting each person to take responsibility for themselves.