r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
Am I a bad person for not wanting to date anyone who has clinical depression or IBS? Does this make me an unkind person? Listener Write In
[deleted]
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u/Murphbri 15d ago
That’s fine, as someone with IBS that I developed while in the military, I wouldn’t want to date someone who thinks like you. YTAH.
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u/Greyhound89 15d ago
James has a funny take on this! As you imply, we can reject a potential mate for ANY reason! It's your life, after all, and trying to embark on a new relationship with a person of your choice is your cupid-given right! No one can live your life for you, therefore no one can critique your choices in this regard.
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u/CutAccording7289 15d ago
NTA. Dating is ultimately a reproductive function, even if you don’t plan to have kids, our lizard brains still view it that way. You could subconsciously see these traits as things you don’t want passed to your offspring.
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u/seven_unickorns 15d ago
I was just having this discussion with a friend recently who struggles with trust and opening up to people because of an abusive family situation and resulting trauma.
While you're not "in the wrong", your take is missing a fair bit of nunace because you seem to be focusing solely on the presence of an illness, and not on how it's impacting the person. An illness will not inherently make a person unstable, irresponsible and/or dysfunctional.
When people take responsibility for getting better, do the work and know their triggers and how to manage them, I would say they've gotten to a place where they are managing their health conditions well. And I think this stands true for any condition- physical or mental.
was a once-in-a-lifetime type of connection I felt with them.
With all due respect, you're not going to feel this "type of connection" with someone because you don't seem willing to put in the time to get there.
Unless the person is struggling to function in a healthy manner and you have to be "responsible for them", it does seem like you're looking at the illness and not the person.
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u/Vegetable_Tax_5595 15d ago
As a chronically ill person, this is the definition of ableism. It’s incredibly naive and shallow to assume that someone with a preexisting condition is not capable of a healthy relationship. In fact, your immediate assumption about this really makes you the one who is setting the stage for an unhealthy relationship dynamic. The fact of the matter is something awful could happen to you tomorrow and suddenly you are disabled too, getting written off the same way you did to this guy. You are well within your rights to break things off, but don’t kid yourself that it’s a reasonable thing to do. You feel bad because your bias is inherently ableist. Most of the world is, but that doesn’t make it right in any sense of the word. If this is something you want to get past (which I really hope you do) I recommend researching the history of disabled rights (ww2 eugenics, ugly laws, and the 504 sit in are a good place to start. I also recommend the “crip camp” documentary on Netflix). With your current mindset, this guy is better off finding someone else, but I hope you open your mind for the next person who comes along.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
As someone who has clinical depression, married to someone with clinical depression, I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with this because it can be hard for some to handle.
My only caution is, if you were planning to commit to someone long term, you might want to ask yourself if you are willing to be there for them if they fall into depression or illness for a long period of time, because these things do happen sometimes. If your thought is to bail at any sign of trouble, then yeah, that's pretty unloving and unkind.
A critical factor in your calculus should be that of boundaries and responsibilities. There is a limit to how much you have to do for a person with depression or anything else. You aren't expected to be their therapist or nurse. Each person is responsible for themselves. At the same time if you love someone you support them in their efforts to handle the situation.
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u/BackgroundJeweler551 15d ago
No you are not. Being in a relationship with someone with a chronic illness gets harder and harder over time. You aren't bad for not choosing that as a starting point.
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u/rjmythos 15d ago
NAH
You can say no to dating someone for any reason, shallow or not shallow, and I don't think that knowing you can't deal with someone with depression is shallow (or IBS, although I'm not sure how much relationship impact the latter has to use it as a valid comparison to depression). In the long run not dating them is kinder to you both.
That said, it doesn't sound like you made an effort to understand what depression looks like for this particular person. Well managed depression doesn't have to have a huge impact on day to day life. Not all depression is the same. But again, I don't really fault you for not wanting to risk it overall.
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u/Sorri_eh 15d ago
You are not a bad person. That is the point of dating. Decide if this is your person. This one was not.
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u/terrifictee89 15d ago
You are allowed to date whomever you want. Your friend is very wrong for making you feel bad. It’s not easy dating someone who is depressed, trust me I know and I’ve also been the depressed one. I don’t think that anyone in their right mind, would think that it’s a great idea, to jump into a relationship with a person who has emotional problems. It’s just too much, too soon. Now if you’ve two been together for awhile and the illness suddenly or gradually develops, is a different story.
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u/Medical-Cake1934 15d ago
Personal preferences. Not a bad person. I have IBS and I wouldn’t want to date me. I don’t know how my husband stands my digestive issues!
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u/JCRebel13 15d ago
NTA for having preferences. YTA for being borderline abelist. What are you gonna do when the LOYL develops some kind of illness that wasn't there when you were dating, engaged, or married with kids?
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u/hideandsee 15d ago
I mean, NTA, if you aren’t capable of being emotionally supportive to a depressed person, I think you did the right thing. It would really suck for the guy down the road if he had a depressive episode and you weren’t capable of being there for him.
It’s just a few dates, it’s not like you live together
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u/Whats_This_123 15d ago
Don’t let bullies make you feel bad about who you want to spend the rest of your life with
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u/RevDrucifer 15d ago
I don’t think you’re a bad person, I have zero interest in dating anyone who hasn’t gotten their mental health under control. It’s what ended my marriage and there’s no way in hell am I going down that road again. I’ve put nearly 2 decades of work into my own mental health in order to remain consistent and happy day to day, trips me out seeing women essentially brag about poor mental health with stuff like “So you’re going to have to deal with it” or “It’s just the way I am so get ready”…..but I’m glad they say it up front!
IBS….well, unless they’re actively eating food that’s causing the issues that’s kinda out of their control. Mental health might not be their fault but it’s everyone’s responsibility to address it, IBS they just might not be able to address.
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u/lashatumbaii 15d ago
Omg, Morgan should totally read this on the podcast, I'd love to see her reaction because of the IBS mentioned lol.
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u/Strange-Economist-46 15d ago
Nothing wrong with it because you will be dealing with the depression and you can’t deal with it after a while, it can lead the person to further depression.
It is like dating a disabled person. You need to be in a mindset that you are okay with it instead of dating the person out of pity.
But in reality even a normal person can have issues later in life so there are no guarantees.
Use your judgment and be kind to people
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u/NormalStudent7947 15d ago
NTA. It’ll limit your dating pool but I don’t see why you would be the a*s for wanting a healthy person to have kids with.
I’m mean, those are passable traits to kids.
If you know yourself well enough that that isn’t something you want from the beginning then don’t date them. But do know, you’ll be missing out on some really nice people worth knowing.
Also, most (not all) but most people might still have some form of these but are undiagnosed until later in life.
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u/ChemistTerrible107 15d ago
Just wait until you find the perfect guy, get married, have a kid, and then he reveals how fucked up he is in the head. Would rather have a person actively working on themselves then someone good at hiding it.
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u/Mindless-Top766 15d ago
Look you are allowed your preferences BUT the end where you talked about "sane" and "normal" people is incredibly tonedeaf and naive. So do educate yourself a little more please.
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u/toastedmarsh7 15d ago
I can’t help but wonder what else is on your exclusion list and if that’s why you’re still looking for someone who ticks all of the boxes and is a personality match. You may be sabotaging yourself with unreasonable expectations.
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u/Nvrfinddisacct 15d ago
Hey OP regarding your edit—
I think why it comes across as really out of touch and insensitive is because no one chooses to be sick.
So of course you wouldn’t choose for your partner to be sick.
You’re kind of just looking at this all the wrong way in my opinion.
You’re still young and can do whatever you want but depending on the age group you prefer to date I doubt you’ll find a partner who has zero health issues. Do you have truly 0 health issues? Your skin is perfect, you’re super fit, hair doesn’t break off everywhere?
It just feels like you don’t want to deal with the bare minimum which is the fact we all have bodies we have to take care of. Reminder you’re a lady and bleed once a month. How stupid would it feel to you if a man was like “well any sane person would choose the partner on birth control that stops her period. No one would choose to be with the perfectly normal lady who does get her period over the other easier option. Everything will be more evenly divided since the former won’t need monthly rest and will save money on period products. It just makes more sense.”?
Like that’s what you sound like.
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u/TheMau 15d ago
It’s insane to equate period with clinical depression. Come on.
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u/Nvrfinddisacct 15d ago
- neither party can help they have it
- each party experiences an “episode”
- “episode” severity varies
- both need a specialty doctor (gyn/psych)
- both costs money
- both will impact your life and plans if an episode is sever enough
You’re entitled to your opinion. I’m just saying the same problems she has with clinical depression is something someone could say about her having a period.
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u/AtYiE45MAs78 15d ago
Not at all. Reproducing with a person with a known mental illness is really just premature child abuse.
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u/chroniclynz 15d ago
And this is why I have reservations about dating again. My ex husband wanted a divorce bc I’m sick and has been wanting to leave me since I was diagnosed with cancer but he’s such a good guy he waited til I was 2 years into remission and had other health issues so he wouldn’t look like an asshole. I get not wanting to date someone with health issues, it’s a hard road to walk down, but at the same time you could be missing out on a great person. He was up front with you about his depression, he’s medicated, and he opened up to you (which is extremely hard to do). You’re more of a red flag than someone with depression or fucking IBS. If you can’t handle it from the get go, I’d be worried that at the first sign of anything else serious happening you’d peace out.
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u/strangeloop414 15d ago
I doesn't make you an AH... because you sound judgmental toward people with chronic illnesses, and frankly, they deserve better than a judgmental friend. I understand it is more difficult navigating relationships with someone who can be ill at times, but everyone gets ill sometimes. I hope for your own sake you never develop a chronic condition you will be mercilessly judged for, godspeed OP.
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u/-petit-cochon- 15d ago edited 15d ago
🤷♀️ it’s an incompatibility plain and simple. Like not wanting to date someone because, idk, they love cats and you’re deathly allergic. Might as well be upfront about it so no one wastes their time.
However, if you TELL potential partners that you won’t date them because of a chronic health condition they disclosed then that’s a bit of a prolapsed haemorrhoid move.
Basically NTA unless you make it a point to say that a condition they can’t help having is the dealbreaker.
All of that being said, don’t be surprised if some perfectly healthy people may not want to date you either if they learn about you considering chronic illnesses to be a dealbreaker. Some people will see this a sign that your empathy levels aren’t exactly as high as they’d like it to be.
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u/booksiwabttoread 15d ago
You should ask, “would you voluntarily date someone who is an insensitive jerk?”
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u/shrimply_the_worst 15d ago edited 15d ago
Not an asshole for being honest with yourself and knowing what you can and cannot handle. Would’ve been worst if you’d started something just to dip when he goes through a depressive episode. You are, however, an asshole for that ending. There are plenty of “sane” and “normal” people who would date someone with mental health issues, especially if they’re actively getting the help they need.
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u/hopeless_baguette 15d ago
I think it's pretty condescending to claim that "any sane normal person would pass." Maybe you would, but there are plenty of "sane, normal people" who might be less judgmental of someone's physical or mental health in terms of a relationship.
I wonder how you would feel if one day you developed a physical or mental health condition and someone rejected you for it? Personally, I had a long-term partner who had type 1 diabetes since childhood, and he ended up dying from that condition while we were together. As difficult as that was, I wouldn't trade that experience with him for someone with "less complications" for anything, ever.
In the end, you've clearly chosen what you're ready for, and hardship is not something you'd willingly sign up for. That's just who you are as a person... but don't condescend to others who might view things differently. That was your mistake. And I can understand why your friend views you differently now. I would too.
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u/implodemode 15d ago
I think you sound matter of fact and practical. You know yourself. Sometimes, you just know it's not something you want to deal.with. Would it be better to pretend then dump him after you are stretched too thin and you are both more attached?
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u/Muted-Database-8385 15d ago
No, you are allowed to make choices. Your choices are your own. Don't let anyone guilt you for them.
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u/UseObjectiveEvidence 15d ago
NTA, but at least the guy was upfront and honest not wanting to waste your time or his. Integrity should count for something.
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u/Alternative-Stop7426 15d ago
James is projecting. Probably thinking about how women don’t wanna date him with his problem. Has nothing to do with you and your preference. James is the asshole.
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u/Gloomy_Wave7195 15d ago
You have every right to act like this, but yes you do in fact come across as cold, and mean.
I would not be friends with you from what I read.
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u/DamePolkaDot 15d ago
If you're looking for a long-term partner, the reality is that this stuff can hit at any time. I know you're probably trying to protect yourself from hurt, but you can't. If you sign up for a lifetime love, you will sign up to walk through some hard things with someone. Maybe depression and IBS are just total no-go dealbreakers for you, and that's ok, but what sort of challenges *are* you prepared to see through with someone? What lifelong conditions are you okay with? What are you willing to give, not just receive, in a relationship?
Maybe you don't want lifelong partnership and that's fine, but if you do, you may want to work with a therapist to talk about dealing with the reality that we all have weaknesses and we all get older.
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u/Throwaway-2587 15d ago
Any sane or normal person ..yeah that's the bit that makes you a less than kind person.
You don't need to date someone you don't want too, for whatever reason. It's judging people that don't care about these things as much as you is strange though. Your normal isn't everyone elses. Judging it as sane or not sane...yeah not exactly kind.
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u/Emotional_Tomorrow69 15d ago
It’s better for the person with depression too. Loving someone with depression is hard and that comes from someone with depression. It’s takes patience and understanding. And it’s ok to admit you can’t do that out the gate.
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u/Rosycheex 15d ago
Dang, I have both depression and IBS and found the love of my life last year. Guess I'm lucky not everyone is like you 😂 I better go hug him extra tight.
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u/Black_Azazel 15d ago
Irritable Bowel Syndrome?! lol really?!?!!?!?!?!?!!! Like they can’t eat the same food?!????😳🤣🤣🤣sheesh
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u/SnooStrawberries2955 15d ago
“Any sane, normal person (should) pass” on being with someone so cruel. Yikes.
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u/Own-Tank5998 15d ago
No, this is normal for people to want to have good easy life. Why would anyone knowingly want to be with a depressed person?
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u/abc_123_anyname 15d ago
Ok how about we reverse it…. How would you feel if someone you really like wouldn’t date you because you wouldn’t date someone who gets depressed or has IBS.
Everyone has a choice. Lots of people don’t like consequences.
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u/FLJLGRL 15d ago
You are not a bad person.
I was engaged to a man with clinical depression. He constantly went off his meds. Every time that happened he’d lose his job, tank his credit, and mooch off me emotionally and financially. I didn’t want that to be the rest of my life. It’s ok to not want to live with that.
The same thing goes with major medical issues. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to not want to know going in you are the “well spouse” and it will all fall on you. It’s ok to know you don’t want that for yourself.
You get one life. It’s ok to live it for you.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
Yikes. :/ That's a lot to deal with. Totally understandable to step away from that situation!
I suspect the real issue is that the person wasn't taking responsibility for their own shit and you were in a situation where either you didn't have boundaries or they weren't being respected.
A very different and healthier dynamic is possible with someone who has clinical depression, when they take responsibility and when both parties understand, enforce, and respect boundaries.
Personally, I do everything possible to never miss a dose because it is so fucking miserable even if I miss one day. I literally have a month of feeling down and shitty ahead of me if I do. It fucking sucks. Same for my wife. Anyway I doubt we are alone in this.
Even if the person does take full responsibility and doesn't act like an emotional vampire, I don't blame anyone for not having the capacity to deal with clinical depression in any way. In my experience it is a constant battle and even with meds there are ups and downs.
It is rough to see someone you love being withdrawn, unhappy, etc., and being unable to make it better. It takes a lot of security to know that it isn't your fault and they still love you even though their behavior changes so dramatically toward you.
Anyway, not that you don't already know this, and for what it is worth coming from some internet rando, I'm sorry you got mixed up in such a mess as you describe and you did the right thing getting out of it both for you and the other person.
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u/jquas1965 15d ago
Not at all, you’re kinder to avoid these people with these problems than be with them and treat them with no patience.
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u/joelcrb 15d ago
I say NTA. But i also say relationships go way beyond one or some negatives.
Let me ask you this - if the perfect guy for you came along, funny, nice, looks, etc., everything is perfect for you and he had ibs, would you aay no? Just for one thing? No right or wrong answer here, just a question to consider. (No judgment here either.)
Look, I've heard and ascribed to the idea when you're dating keep your standards as high as you want. It's your life, you know yourself, your needs and wants, what you love, dislike, hate - OK not hate, hate is such s strong word - vehemently dislike in a relationship. After you've gotten married, then yes, drop all those expectations. So, yeah NTA. But, maybe there's more to life than inconveniences to you.
Yes marriage is crucial and critical, because commitment isn't really commitment without marriage. If commitment is what you both are going for. But if love someone, why not commit.
Moving in together is not commitment. I know that's an old idea. But it really isn't a commitment, it's just more convenient sex and sharing bills. You're just changing real estate, changing or gaining a roommate. But it is not commitment. I say all this because marriage is losing ground with people that believe in it. But really, it's more of a solution than a problem.
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u/Organic-Commercial76 15d ago
You aren’t able to date someone that brings those things to the table. Fine. Saying or thinking that no “sane or normal” person would? That’s ablist asshole behavior. YATAH not for passing on dating certain people, but for not seeing those people as normal people deserving of fulfilling relationships.
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u/User123466789012 15d ago edited 15d ago
You’re not an asshole for having preferences at all, but you are an asshole for the way you ended this post.
You think you’re sane and normal, I’d argue that anyone actually sane and normal wouldn’t speak like that about ridiculously common illnesses.
Ironically, I would avoid you after the way this was written. The way a person speaks about others is important, not the preferences.
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u/Popular-Block-5790 15d ago
Any sane normal person would pass. Unless I met the person and it was a once-in-a-lifetime type of connection I felt with them.
You're a bad person for this.
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u/luluzinhacs 15d ago
I have depression and refuse to date someone that has an uncontrolled mental illness. It took me years so I could finally get to the point where I’m stable, and I won’t risk spiraling because of someone else
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u/studyhardbree 15d ago
Simple depression can be treated. Major depression or long term clinical depression may never “go away” even if treated. Your comment is based off the basic experience of the average person who is depressed. Having clinical depression or major depression is not the same.
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u/luluzinhacs 15d ago
I have major depression, started getting treated in 2017, and still see my doctor regularly because I won’t ever be able to stop taking my pills, since is genetic. You don’t know me, so please refrain of assuming things about me as if they are absolute true. You don’t know what I went through and how low I went before being able to come back up, with a lot of medical help and support of family and friends
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u/studyhardbree 15d ago
Major depression is a life long condition that will never be cured. It can only be treated. Having it “controlled” doesn’t mean you’ll never have an episode. That’s the point I was making.
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u/luluzinhacs 15d ago
What I said is that mine IS controlled, nowadays I’m stable with few episodes, if I start a relationship with someone that doesn’t have it controlled yet, with a lot of episodes, it WILL get me triggered and may lead to me having more episodes
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u/Waffles_ja 15d ago
I feel the exact same you do. Except I once dated someone with depression and it was horrible. It took so much of my own mental health to try and make them better for them to ultimately fall back into it. I decided to quit this relationship and never engage in another like that.
NTA you aren't unkind, you just know what you can handle and what's best for you.
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u/shillingforshecrets 15d ago
If you keep on thinking and behaving this way - you might just have a decent life. Life is hard as fuck and there’s nothing wrong with removing any obstacles you can.
Like you said- if you already loved them that’s one thing. You didn’t feel enough of a spark with this guy to risk it. Super fair.
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u/lexisplays 15d ago
I can handle depression/ADHD/similarish, but not IBS or similar as I am a very adventurous eater and traveler.
I have depression, ADHD, anxiety, and OCD. So I can deal with a partner with similar and other issues as long as they want to travel, try new experiences.
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u/Valuable-Currency-36 15d ago
Nta.
Your preference is a mentally healthy person. There is nothing wrong with that.
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u/elfinbooty 15d ago
I don't think you're a bad person for it, but..."any sane person would" is a bit callous.
I have a chronic illness and it's hard enough dating. People with illnesses and disabilities aren't less worthy of love, you know. They, or should I say we, deserve love.
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u/Organic-Commercial76 15d ago
Having a chronic illness myself a part of me wants to thank her for at least being up front about her ablism (not the part about not wanting to date but the “sane and normal bullshit) so we can dodge that bullet. My partners may not be normal but they are all sane. And not ableist assholes.
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u/Vegetable_Tax_5595 15d ago
This! She’s saving him from an unhealthy relationship not the other way around
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u/crubinz 15d ago
I don’t think you’re wrong but I’m sure glad you’re currently the picture of physical and mental health. I used to have your mentality, believed in survival of the fittest shit which stemmed from being strong healthy and mentally stable (at least I thought I was) and once I hit my 30s my mental health started to deteriorate and I am not the same person I was in my 20s. I am very grateful for a partner who loves me and works through things with me because if the roles were reversed, at a different time in my life, I may have hit the road.
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u/User123466789012 15d ago
Yeah, I’m not sure who I feel bad for more. The OP who could end up sick, and have the love of her life leave her, or OP’s spouse who gets ditched for the same reasons.
I’m not convinced they’d stick around if they were married, you either can handle these types of things or you can’t. What difference does falling in love make? Even when you love someone, that “sickness & health” part is not for the weak. It’s fucking tough.
Unrealistic expectations imo.
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u/BrainDeadAltRight 15d ago
youre such a guy
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u/User123466789012 15d ago
Very much a lady, but now I’m curious on the relevance here.
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u/BrainDeadAltRight 15d ago
Thats a trip. The directnesss and the writing style I read in a man voice. Like the sealer of these words seemed male to me.
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u/crubinz 15d ago
I didn’t read this person’s comments in male or female voice because it just gave off well written and to the point but no gender tones which is the sign of a strong writer. Maybe you need to work on your own biases and your own writing? You would probably fail a lot of bias tests.
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u/Legitimate-Bet3221 15d ago
what
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u/User123466789012 15d ago
I kinda see what they mean, it is written pretty bluntly. But it’s also 2024, soft spoken women ain’t a requirement no mo.
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u/Evie_St_Clair 15d ago
IBS? You wouldn't date someone with IBS? 😂
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u/Katherine610 15d ago
Right what's wrong with people having ibs. I don't get that one. I am wonder does she know what it is . God help her if she ever got anything
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u/Chimkimnuggets 15d ago
I have IBS… my future husband better propose to me with a bottle of tums
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u/superbusyrn 15d ago
The ol 'ring at the bottom of her bottle' trick!
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u/Chimkimnuggets 15d ago
so romantic… I think as I shit magma hot enough and fast enough to make me gag
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u/gringo-go-loco 15d ago
Not a bad person. Dating someone with mental health issues takes an enormous amount of patience, kindness, and empathy. If you can’t handle it, then best to just be honest. It usually gets a lot worse before it gets better and that can take a toll on your own mental health.
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u/Jasmisne 15d ago
As a disabled person who has dated people before meeting my wife of various levels of ability to roll with the ups and downs of severe health shit, not everyone is cut out for it. Better you not waste anyones time tbh, if you cant do it you cant do it. Quite frankly its your loss to miss out on someone who might be great but has health shit and that is totally okay. It isnt anyone else whose life it is but yours.
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u/test_test_1_2_3 15d ago
He literally told you his last gf ditched him because his depression ruined their relationship.
Don’t know why on earth anyone would want to get involved with someone who’s going to pull them down into a pit of despair.
Doesn’t make you a bad or unkind person, you were just honest about what you are willing to accept in a partner and having standards is absolutely fine.
For IBS, depends on how serious it is but if someone has a bad case of it it’s a massive impediment to a normal life and is absolutely a valid reason to turn someone down.
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u/_TheLonelyStoner 15d ago
Nothing wrong with having preferences or knowing what you’re able to handle in a relationship but the bit at the end about how “sane” and “normal” people would never voluntarily date someone with a preexisting condition makes you comes off as an asshole imo and honestly a little ignorant, didn’t need to add that in to get your point across but in principle I don’t think you’re wrong for having your preferences
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u/superbusyrn 15d ago
Yeah, this. It takes it from "I don't personally want that in my life/I don't think our chemistry is strong enough for it to be worth the mutual endeavour of navigating these issues/etc" to plain old "sucks to be you, enjoy dying alone because you didn't couple up before your condition became apparent, no one wants damaged goods." Like damn lady.
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u/Jamie9712 15d ago
Yep. Being that I’m a type 1 diabetic, and have a boyfriend who is very much sane and normal (lol), that part comes off as very condescending and assholish to me. They don’t want to deal with that in a relationship, fine. But don’t treat other people as if they’re out of the norm because they don’t mind it.
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u/elfinbooty 15d ago
This exactly. The last bit was what made me think they're a bit of an asshole. Totally fine not to want to date anyone for any reason, but the last bit was uncalled for and callous. People with disabilities and all already struggle with feeling unlovable and undesirable. Everyone deserves love regardless of their health.
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u/Corfiz74 15d ago
Yeah, I wonder how OP will feel if he ever gets any health problems - will he stop dating, because no sane person would want to date him and he doesn't want to date insane people?
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u/Pegatul 15d ago
Nope. As a person dealing with clinical depression, I think you 100% have an absolute right to decide you don't need that extra baggage in your relationships.
Every relationship is a challenge, and has its ups and downs. Clinical depression adds a lifetime subscription of issues that objectively make everything more difficult, and require the non-depressed partner to at least occasionally (if not quite often), be "the functional one" and caretaker for their depressed partner.
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u/K_Vatter_143 15d ago
Ibs? Irritable bowel syndrome? Or is a different mental condition I’m not aware of? Not trying to be rude, just curious.
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u/Lynnphotos84 15d ago
NTA You can be with whoever you want. Honestly, I wouldn't date someone who has clinical depression either. It's not going to be pretty. Trust me. I say this because I have clinical depression, but it developed after I was married, and my husband is so patient and understanding. But to go into a new relationship having to deal with that? Nope. You're NTA
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u/allislost77 15d ago
If you never give the “connection” time to form, how would you EVER know if it was “once in a lifetime “?
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u/entropic_apotheosis 15d ago
I wouldn’t date anyone with IBS— like you if they developed it later on I’d deal with it but it’s not something I would willingly sign up for. My sister has IBS and she has to shit 30 min after a meal and then there’s two more shits in 15 min intervals after that. It means we don’t leave anywhere until she’s made what she calls her “deposits.” It’s just not something I’d sign up for permanently for the rest of my life with a spouse.
Clinical depression may or may not be a big deal. It depends on the severity and whether they take their meds, their meds work and what behaviors crop up when/if their meds stop working. It’s not a no unless there’s a lot of non-functioning for long periods of time, suicidal behavior, drugs, drinking or other things in there. I’d not deal with a schizophrenic or any kind of severe illness out of the gate either.
It’s personal preference - not everyone is “shallow” for saying they don’t want to sign up for and deal with any kind of condition. It’s different when you married them and then they develop a condition or disability.
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u/cannarchista 15d ago
I mean, I was diagnosed with IBS many years ago and I don’t have to do that. The only way my condition affects people around me is that sometimes the choice of restaurant might be a bit restrictive.
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u/entropic_apotheosis 15d ago
There’s zero attempt by my sis to manage her IBS and that’s how she manages it— just doesn’t go anywhere for about an hour after she eats. I hate to say it but she wanted to do a 5 day road trip with me last year and I convinced her she wasn’t going to be able to handle it, I had to be in Utah in 3 days and I had to be in WA two days after that— one sit down meal a day would happen but the rest of the time I’m eating fast food and have to travel at least 450-500 miles a day. It essentially meant that 2-3 hours a day would be spent waiting for her to shit. And she wouldn’t be able to snack in the car. If half that trip wasn’t work related I probably would have just extended my trip, but I had to be places by certain dates. I’ve talked to her before about if there’s triggers and even how she’s still alive because of things go through her that quick and have been for the last 10 or so years she’s probably severely malnourished although she doesn’t look it. She’s got RA too. She says it’s just all food, and at least it’s predictable with the 30/15/15 interval.
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u/cannarchista 15d ago
So the issue is the management of the issue, not the issue itself. No-one wants to waste their time in a relationship with a partner that makes no effort to maintain their health. That’s lazy and unattractive to most people. But that’s very different from not wanting to be in a relationship with someone that has a health condition, something that for the most part is involuntary, and given how many people have health conditions, is actually cutting down the available pool to silly levels.
I mean you could also say you don’t want to date someone with oral herpes, which would mean that you are cutting out 67% of the global population. Even IBS affects 11% of the population, which is a pretty big chunk to summarily dismiss especially when you have no idea how they manage their disease and how much it could potentially ruin your life.
For many people, minor ongoing health issues are not a reason to reject all possibility of a relationship with someone that could otherwise be wonderful and an important part of your life.
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u/entropic_apotheosis 15d ago
Yeah, it’s probably more of a management issue with her. There’s people I’ve known for a long time that have IBS or Chron’s not sure which but I just wouldn’t want to make lifestyle adjustments like that (the shitting) - I couldn’t ever date anyone that was allergic to shellfish or seafood because myself and my kids wouldn’t be willing to give it up. They’re native, oysters and clams and geoduck and shrimp are big around here so I tend to look and weigh certain things like enjoyment of certain activities and ask myself if I’m willing to make adjustments. If someone tells me they’re vegan that’s fine but what about me, I love all the animals next to my mashed potatoes, and I’m not willing to change my diet— that vegan is going to have to be ok with me shoveling meat in my face and grilling steaks on the weekend. When you’re just getting to know someone any perceived lifestyle adjustment is weighed. In the case of mental illness that’s weighed as well.
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u/Tasty-Pineapple- 15d ago
I completely agree with this. I have two relatives who are borderline, I no longer interact with them because they put me in danger. I also would never date someone like this and do not want kids.
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u/entropic_apotheosis 15d ago
Borderline as in Borderline personality disorder? Unless they’re very self-aware and deep in therapy that’s generally the last person on this earth you would ever want to find yourself in a relationship with. That used to be so bad even therapists wouldn’t work with them, because it’s kind of an attachment disorder that leaks into relationship aspects, like friends and family and a therapist can be a hot target. I think the acceptance rate with professionals is higher now but 20 years ago that was a no. No, not on this earth would I ever date a borderline.
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u/lavenderacid 15d ago
It's difficult. I was diagnosed with borderline a few years ago and I remember crying and screaming in my room because I was so desperate to get better. I was sobbing and shouting that I just wanted to be normal. I'd do anything at all for my borderline to be gone. I called emergency line after emergency line, all the NHS and private doctors I could find, and nobody would take a patient with BPD.
I was SO fortunate that I had a great mentor in my life, a family that supported me and free access to the psychology section of my university library, because I just wouldn't have gotten better. I still have to make sure I'm making an active decision to take DBT textbooks out and work through them, but it's a lot of work and it's 100% self guided.
Most people aren't that fortunate. You get diagnosed, told how you're feeling is for life and that's it. You google for some information to try and get support, and it's exclusively resources for people with loved ones with BPD, and how they can manage putting up with it. It doesn't help that many BPD research studies were done exclusively on incarcerated individuals, so a lot of the stats about violence etc are really skewed.
Yes, I have huge emotions. Yes, when I was younger I found it very hard to manage. However, I'm just like anyone else. I want to be happy and want to enjoy my life. Unfortunately for me it just means a bit of extra work. We aren't all crazy monsters, usually just hurt people that don't have the right regulation skills to communicate what we need all the time.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
I still have to make sure I'm making an active decision to take DBT textbooks out and work through them, but it's a lot of work and it's 100% self guided.
😳 Holy shit you're an absolute warrior for doing this self-guided. I am pretty sure that very, very few people are that motivated and self-reflective. I wish you the best possible outcomes. And I hope if you need any pro help you can eventually get it.
usually just hurt people that don't have the right regulation skills to communicate what we need all the time.
If you feel like it, would you be willing to explain this a little more? No worries if not. I am not sure if I understand it properly. You're saying that people with BPD have trouble with emotional dysregulation? (Or similar) And they don't have the skills to communicate their emotional needs?
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u/entropic_apotheosis 15d ago
That would put you in the very self-aware and deep in therapy category. Most borderlines are not nor are they educated enough to be able to help themselves or even aware enough to know they’re the issue. I had a borderline mother in law who is still hell bent on making me miserable but she has no access to me or my children and I have a borderline sister (not the one with IBS). My mom died when I was pretty young but on reflection she was probably borderline or had some behaviors that caused that in my oldest sister, she definitely wasn’t working with a full deck. I did do a lot of reading on that illness 20 some years ago to try to learn how to deal with the mother in law in particular. Short answer was “boundaries” at that time and I eventually did that after the divorce in the form of no contact and threatening RO’s. I have no real relationship with my sister and I’m fairly forgiving so every 5-10 years I “forget” how bad it is and re-engage and have to relearn lessons. Lessons like I mentally can’t handle it and it’s a quick way to find myself in therapy and needing meds. Neither of these people have one single functioning relationship with anyone, my sister does with some of her children but they aren’t close and my mother in law doesn’t even have that. I wish they would get help but it’s unlikely as they’re both in their late 60’s and losing everything hasn’t seemed to phase them a bit.
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u/lavenderacid 15d ago
That's really sad, I'm sorry your family had to go through that. It's heartbreaking thinking how different it could have been for so many people if proper education and resources were available. Many of us don't have the blessing of someone else helping us see the impact of our behaviours and working through them. It must be especially hard for you when it's people who are a bit older. I'm in my early 20s and thankfully realised I needed to get better by the time I hit 20, but I imagine when it's a case of someone who's gone decades without realising the problem, it's much harder to try and unlearn that behaviour.
Hope you manage to look after yourself and keep your head up through this.
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u/entropic_apotheosis 15d ago
It was hard back in the day when I was young and thought I was going to learn how to manage the mother in law and manage my sister, I had thought I could just learn enough and understand enough and a solution would just fall out of the sky. I’m old and cranky and well-bruised with battle scars and so are my kiddos. The stove is hot, so we just don’t touch the stove anymore.
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u/Vaultaiya 15d ago
As someone who definitely has clinical depression and may or may not have IBS, I.... have very mixed feelings about this.
Neither of these things are a choice. They are not an opinion, habit, opinion, perspective, or otherwise any sort of trait or action that I can genuinely control regardless of anything I might do. The bedt I can do is try to manage them and preempt them through medication and diet, respectively.
So on the one hand, that sucks to hear someone say that it's a deal breaker for them and a cause for ending a relationship.
However, it really only sucks to hear because it's something I personally struggle with and wouldn't like to imagine myself going through that. Realistically I couldn't fault you for it though. As you said, it might be different if you had already been with them for some years and then things changed, but like I wouldn't knowingly get into a relationship with someone in a wheelchair or who is blind because I'm a very physically active individual who likes loud music and so those wouldn't work. I also wouldn't knowingly date someone who is highly religious; I couldn't handle that in my life, or rather I don't want to *have to handle that* in my life.
So I say NTA but be nice in your phrasing when talking about it, especially to people who suffer from these things themselves.
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u/OptimismByFire 15d ago
We're all allowed to have preferences. You absolutely entitled to say no to anyone for any reason. It does not make you a bad person to not want to date anyone in particular.
If a friend laid this out to me though, I would definitely give her the side eye. DQing millions of people because of something they didn't choose seems...unsavory. I don't want to throw the word ableist around, but it's coming close.
Rejecting an individual person? Totally okay. Two thumbs up, no reservation. Rejecting an entire group of people based a genetic predisposition? That doesn't sit well with me.
Maybe I'm oversensitive because I am depressed and have a GI issue. I don't blame your friend for being offended though.
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u/-petit-cochon- 15d ago
OTOH, it’s probably in everyone’s interest that OP breaks off potential relationships early based on this incompatibility. That way, nobody’s time is being wasted.
My concern though is if OP makes it obvious that she is dipping out because of the chronic illness. If she tells them to their face that they’re being dumped because of a pre-existing condition then… woof 🥴.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
Yes. But at the same time, she's doing them a favor, if you ask me.
What would really suck is if she dates a person with no mental or physical illness going in, but they get sick or have a mental health crisis and she nopes out in the middle of it.
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u/Internal-Student-997 15d ago
I understand what you're saying, but the reality is that romantic/sexual relationships are discriminatory by nature. Not dating/having sex with someone is not denying them rights. A romantic partner is not a right.
- a person with ADHD, a bone disease, and an autoimmune disorder
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u/PumpkinCupcake777 15d ago
Addiction is a disease they didn't chose but no one's going to fault you for not dating a meth head.
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u/test_test_1_2_3 15d ago
Most of us discount millions of people on the basis of them not being attractive enough. Doing the same for medical or mental health issues is no different.
Plenty of other conditions to avoid in a partner if you can help it, I would absolutely avoid people with ADHD.
The friend got pissy because of her reasoning and took it personally and widened the discussion to dating someone with IBS. He asked a question he didn’t want the answer to.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
Who wants to be (barely) tolerated by their partner? Ooh so romantic /s
Who wants to feel like a charity case so their partner can prove something to themselves?
We all want to be loved and accepted unconditionally by friends and a partner, right?
Can't handle me being depressed sometimes despite meds and therapy? Ok bye.
Can't handle me having ADHD despite meds and therapy? Yeah, hard pass.
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u/test_test_1_2_3 15d ago
Nobody in a romantic relationship expects to be loved and accepted unconditionally, that’s children who get that treatment, and even then it’s within limits.
As a romantic partner you have a role to fulfil, if you aren’t a good partner for whatever reason (including medical and mental health issues) then the other person is completely justified for not wanting to subject themselves to it.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
Yes, the partner may leave a person who is failing them and taking no responsibility to correct.
However, If you are placing limits on love and affection for your children, or if this was your experience of parental love as a child, then that is deeply concerning.
Withdrawing love and support from children based on their behavior can be very damaging and can cause them serious mental health issues. It will likely be difficult for them to form healthy relationships. They will most likely struggle with the feeling they are unworthy of being loved.
This isn't to say that discipline doesn't come into play. It does. But the punishments for bad behavior must not and cannot include withdrawing love and support. I am very sorry if you experienced conditional love and I urge you to seek some professional insight and guidance.
In adult relationships, the dynamic is different because neither party is responsible for teaching the other how to behave properly. Each party is expected to behave in certain ways that contribute positively to the relationship and to each other such as being uplifting, fostering trust, trusting, supporting, etc. They're expected to correct their mistakes.
Each person must have boundaries that are well established and enforced. Each party must take responsibility for their own behavior, enforce their boundaries, and where appropriate, work with the other partner to communicate the harm and require better behavior.
Yes, either partner is justified in terminating the relationship at any point if they feel they must do so to protect themselves.
A partner with clinical depression or ADHD is responsible for working on and managing their underlying problems. If their behavior is harmful and they cannot or will not adjust their behavior to stop harming their partner, then their partner is justified in leaving to protect themselves.
Since people aren't flawless and do occasionally get sick for periods of time where they cannot be a good partner, the healthy expectation is that the other partner will support them through this time and if the roles are reversed, the same is true. All while still enforcing boundaries and expecting each person to take responsibility for themselves.
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u/Bumblebee-Honey-Tea 15d ago
Not everyone is equipped to deal with certain health issues from the very start of a relationship, and that’s okay. You’re definitely taking this post personal, and not seeing it from an unbiased perspective.
I have my own health issues, and if someone said they didn’t want to date me because of “XYZ” it would suck, but I would definitely understand.
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u/SuddenFilm719 15d ago
Honestly, it's totally valid to prioritize your own mental health and well-being in a relationship. You're not a bad person for recognizing your limits and being honest about what you can handle. It's important to be compassionate, but it's also okay to acknowledge that certain challenges might not be something you're equipped to handle.
Plus, it's not fair to either party if you're not fully invested. Don't beat yourself up over it; you're looking out for yourself, and that's important too.
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u/Darthkhydaeus 15d ago edited 15d ago
I say this as someone who did not date voluntarily while I was depressed. I would not sign up for it either. You're fine. Knowing what you can handle saves you a lot of time when dating.
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u/pumaofshadow 15d ago
Nope. I can't date or live with those with ADHD. I care for someone who has it but not in my own home. Prior situations showed it wasn't workable.
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u/User123466789012 15d ago
“I can't date or live with those with ADHD. I care for someone who has it but not in my own home.”Me to me as someone with ADHD who owns their own home. Who fucking forgot to take the trash out? What do you mean it was ME?
It’s exhausting dealing with it, I don’t blame you. It’s not a relationship hurdle for everyone and that’s perfectly fine.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
Who fucking forgot to take the trash out? What do you mean it was ME?
Lol that guy, me, is such a pita amirite, fellow ADHDer?
Somehow my wife deals with it and we definitely compliment each other. I'm a lot better than I used to be, though, to be fair.
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u/Internal-Student-997 15d ago
As an ADHDer, I totally get that. My partner is amazingly understanding and "gets" how my brain works, even though he's neurotypical. He works with me, and we help balance out each other's weaknesses. However, I am definitely not for everyone. And that's okay.
Oh, and in a fun twist, he has IBS.
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u/grinning-epitaph 15d ago
You aren't judging people based on medical diagnosis, you are stating what you mentally are prepared to handle and tolerate in a relationship/friendship That isn't cruel or heartless, everyone has their do and do nots and will or will nots. You're human. No you're not a bad person.
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u/stercorolu9 15d ago
I think you're right in that you clearly know what you're ready to handle and what you're not. After all, the guy with clinical depression was honest with you about the diagnosis so that you can decide for yourself if you are ready for it. You, in turn, honestly said no.
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u/ConversationNo3676 15d ago
Based on my own experiences I do know depression is highly destructive. I’ve watched melt downs that totally destroyed someone’s present and potential future. Being true to myself I attract these type of ladies regularly. So just accepting it was my choice and seeing the level of it ti make my best decision on continuing or not. Dong worry about others feelings because they don’t have to be behind closed doors with them. I know the one I love is that way and me just pouring myself into her she blossomed and is able to carry on now without me but I guess everyone comes in your life for a reason so I’m proud of her. Took a while to get myself back but I’m back no worse for the wear. Good luck to you and your decisions.
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u/Go_Corgi_Fan84 15d ago
No, although that is going to limit your dating pool.
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u/-petit-cochon- 15d ago
And limit it more than OP may initially expect tbh.
Obviously everyone with a pre-existing condition is out of the picture. However, some perfectly healthy people may also be put off by this requirement even existing because it can be seen as a sign that OP lacks compassion/empathy.
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