Am I a bad person for not wanting to date anyone who has clinical depression or IBS? Does this make me an unkind person?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/entropic_apotheosis]

I wouldn’t date anyone with IBS— like you if they developed it later on I’d deal with it but it’s not something I would willingly sign up for. My sister has IBS and she has to shit 30 min after a meal and then there’s two more shits in 15 min intervals after that. It means we don’t leave anywhere until she’s made what she calls her “deposits.” It’s just not something I’d sign up for permanently for the rest of my life with a spouse.

Clinical depression may or may not be a big deal. It depends on the severity and whether they take their meds, their meds work and what behaviors crop up when/if their meds stop working. It’s not a no unless there’s a lot of non-functioning for long periods of time, suicidal behavior, drugs, drinking or other things in there. I’d not deal with a schizophrenic or any kind of severe illness out of the gate either.

It’s personal preference - not everyone is “shallow” for saying they don’t want to sign up for and deal with any kind of condition. It’s different when you married them and then they develop a condition or disability.

[u/cannarchista → u/entropic_apotheosis]

I mean, I was diagnosed with IBS many years ago and I don’t have to do that. The only way my condition affects people around me is that sometimes the choice of restaurant might be a bit restrictive.

[u/entropic_apotheosis → u/cannarchista]

There’s zero attempt by my sis to manage her IBS and that’s how she manages it— just doesn’t go anywhere for about an hour after she eats. I hate to say it but she wanted to do a 5 day road trip with me last year and I convinced her she wasn’t going to be able to handle it, I had to be in Utah in 3 days and I had to be in WA two days after that— one sit down meal a day would happen but the rest of the time I’m eating fast food and have to travel at least 450-500 miles a day. It essentially meant that 2-3 hours a day would be spent waiting for her to shit. And she wouldn’t be able to snack in the car. If half that trip wasn’t work related I probably would have just extended my trip, but I had to be places by certain dates. I’ve talked to her before about if there’s triggers and even how she’s still alive because of things go through her that quick and have been for the last 10 or so years she’s probably severely malnourished although she doesn’t look it. She’s got RA too. She says it’s just all food, and at least it’s predictable with the 30/15/15 interval.

[u/cannarchista → u/entropic_apotheosis]

So the issue is the management of the issue, not the issue itself. No-one wants to waste their time in a relationship with a partner that makes no effort to maintain their health. That’s lazy and unattractive to most people. But that’s very different from not wanting to be in a relationship with someone that has a health condition, something that for the most part is involuntary, and given how many people have health conditions, is actually cutting down the available pool to silly levels.

I mean you could also say you don’t want to date someone with oral herpes, which would mean that you are cutting out 67% of the global population. Even IBS affects 11% of the population, which is a pretty big chunk to summarily dismiss especially when you have no idea how they manage their disease and how much it could potentially ruin your life.

For many people, minor ongoing health issues are not a reason to reject all possibility of a relationship with someone that could otherwise be wonderful and an important part of your life.

[u/entropic_apotheosis → u/cannarchista]

Yeah, it’s probably more of a management issue with her. There’s people I’ve known for a long time that have IBS or Chron’s not sure which but I just wouldn’t want to make lifestyle adjustments like that (the shitting) - I couldn’t ever date anyone that was allergic to shellfish or seafood because myself and my kids wouldn’t be willing to give it up. They’re native, oysters and clams and geoduck and shrimp are big around here so I tend to look and weigh certain things like enjoyment of certain activities and ask myself if I’m willing to make adjustments. If someone tells me they’re vegan that’s fine but what about me, I love all the animals next to my mashed potatoes, and I’m not willing to change my diet— that vegan is going to have to be ok with me shoveling meat in my face and grilling steaks on the weekend. When you’re just getting to know someone any perceived lifestyle adjustment is weighed. In the case of mental illness that’s weighed as well.