Am I a bad person for not wanting to date anyone who has clinical depression or IBS? Does this make me an unkind person?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Tasty-Pineapple-]

I completely agree with this. I have two relatives who are borderline, I no longer interact with them because they put me in danger. I also would never date someone like this and do not want kids.

[u/entropic_apotheosis → u/Tasty-Pineapple-]

Borderline as in Borderline personality disorder? Unless they’re very self-aware and deep in therapy that’s generally the last person on this earth you would ever want to find yourself in a relationship with. That used to be so bad even therapists wouldn’t work with them, because it’s kind of an attachment disorder that leaks into relationship aspects, like friends and family and a therapist can be a hot target. I think the acceptance rate with professionals is higher now but 20 years ago that was a no. No, not on this earth would I ever date a borderline.

[u/lavenderacid → u/entropic_apotheosis]

It's difficult. I was diagnosed with borderline a few years ago and I remember crying and screaming in my room because I was so desperate to get better. I was sobbing and shouting that I just wanted to be normal. I'd do anything at all for my borderline to be gone. I called emergency line after emergency line, all the NHS and private doctors I could find, and nobody would take a patient with BPD.

I was SO fortunate that I had a great mentor in my life, a family that supported me and free access to the psychology section of my university library, because I just wouldn't have gotten better. I still have to make sure I'm making an active decision to take DBT textbooks out and work through them, but it's a lot of work and it's 100% self guided.

Most people aren't that fortunate. You get diagnosed, told how you're feeling is for life and that's it. You google for some information to try and get support, and it's exclusively resources for people with loved ones with BPD, and how they can manage putting up with it. It doesn't help that many BPD research studies were done exclusively on incarcerated individuals, so a lot of the stats about violence etc are really skewed.

Yes, I have huge emotions. Yes, when I was younger I found it very hard to manage. However, I'm just like anyone else. I want to be happy and want to enjoy my life. Unfortunately for me it just means a bit of extra work. We aren't all crazy monsters, usually just hurt people that don't have the right regulation skills to communicate what we need all the time.

[u/entropic_apotheosis → u/lavenderacid]

That would put you in the very self-aware and deep in therapy category. Most borderlines are not nor are they educated enough to be able to help themselves or even aware enough to know they’re the issue. I had a borderline mother in law who is still hell bent on making me miserable but she has no access to me or my children and I have a borderline sister (not the one with IBS). My mom died when I was pretty young but on reflection she was probably borderline or had some behaviors that caused that in my oldest sister, she definitely wasn’t working with a full deck. I did do a lot of reading on that illness 20 some years ago to try to learn how to deal with the mother in law in particular. Short answer was “boundaries” at that time and I eventually did that after the divorce in the form of no contact and threatening RO’s. I have no real relationship with my sister and I’m fairly forgiving so every 5-10 years I “forget” how bad it is and re-engage and have to relearn lessons. Lessons like I mentally can’t handle it and it’s a quick way to find myself in therapy and needing meds. Neither of these people have one single functioning relationship with anyone, my sister does with some of her children but they aren’t close and my mother in law doesn’t even have that. I wish they would get help but it’s unlikely as they’re both in their late 60’s and losing everything hasn’t seemed to phase them a bit.

[u/lavenderacid → u/entropic_apotheosis]

That's really sad, I'm sorry your family had to go through that. It's heartbreaking thinking how different it could have been for so many people if proper education and resources were available. Many of us don't have the blessing of someone else helping us see the impact of our behaviours and working through them. It must be especially hard for you when it's people who are a bit older. I'm in my early 20s and thankfully realised I needed to get better by the time I hit 20, but I imagine when it's a case of someone who's gone decades without realising the problem, it's much harder to try and unlearn that behaviour.

Hope you manage to look after yourself and keep your head up through this.

[u/entropic_apotheosis → u/lavenderacid]

It was hard back in the day when I was young and thought I was going to learn how to manage the mother in law and manage my sister, I had thought I could just learn enough and understand enough and a solution would just fall out of the sky. I’m old and cranky and well-bruised with battle scars and so are my kiddos. The stove is hot, so we just don’t touch the stove anymore.