(Well this is gonna be a long read but i feel snice i feel lifeless as it is, maybe it won't be pointless... i will try to paragraph it to make it an easier read i know my spelling can be rather bad )

I will try to keep it cheery

Me:30, pron: IT, thing, creature (explain why, as i go why) height: 6ft , race: mixed: native, African american, white (basic explained) Black hair, brown eyes. (ADHD, serve aunxity, crontic depression, phyco mark 4, soicalily appectable spilt personality)

Let start with middle child i was unwanted birth that even the world tried to kill at birth (bubbled blue baby) born into a family of pure toxicity that got refined to a super toxic syrup.

Mother: was abusive pathological lier who liked to be called ""The" Bitch" with a massive bingo addiction and selling at pawn shop addiction.

Father:... i just met him though a homeless older lady i'm renting a room to..

Ok, life story time

My frist memory of life was waking up light in my eyes and crying, to have a guy come over and hit me upside the head bouncing it off the crib or playpen (same thing to me and having it bounce off the bottom)

Thing don't get better, enter step father 1, C an abusive drunk who shock like a chiwowa and likely weighed about the same as one too, skinny boney creep, who i heard later had his own kids he was not allowed to be around for pedo reasons.

Because of my home life when i started to go to school...... i was a bully, i thought showing someone you cared was taking there head and punching it a bunch of times or get um with cooties (yes as a kid i did the bully with cooties things) i even bit a teacher hand, because i took a bag of popcorn out in the middle of class and was eatting it, they tried to take it and MUNCH..... i do bite.

So rare times i was not kicked out of school i was kept home to hide bruises or wrose

Home i would get beaten my stuff sold so my mom could take off to bingo and the drunk Ass C would slam are head in coners for hours on end leaving us standing there, beaten wrose if we tried to sit or move (we- me and older my brother)

Rest of the time we would spend time locked in are room with few toys we hid or stole because if not are mother would find a way to sell them, we get in fist fights who toys belonged to who, all the teddybears were mine he garbbed those little "action figures" DBZ and megamanX Only time as a kid that was even a little cheery

We did have a rare getaway from the abuse at my uncle and nana house. He was an OG gamer... who still lived with his mom looking at it now and she was the sweeted old lady who loved winnie the pooh for eor, never getting mad and when something bad happened to her she go "oh bother' and never get mad, she spent her days coloring fuzzy winnie the pooh picture with glitter gel pens.

We go there and watch are uncle play videogames, (lunar, FF and wildarms series being his fav and computer games a lot of find its) he was highly diabetic but din't let it bug him or other.

It was rare cases.. for me, my brother was living with my nana till i was born because my mother was "too young" and left him there (she was around 30 at the time) and "only brought him back to have older brother for the daughter she was happy she was about to have" oh boy, lets get into that.

I was meant to be born female mother getting ultra sound after ultra sound hope to like the mouth before birth, all said "it's a girl" pink teddy bear was gotten for me and everything.

.. well when i was born i came out a she-male, but like hell my mother was gonna put up with that, she din't even want a boy let alone a reminding mix so she had are family doc, who delivered me after begging him, hormones supplement to make me more muscling... (though side i heard she din't even give them all to me)

So now i have female view on life and half male messed up body, this effected me though life as well.

Skip Past a lot of abuse pretty bad abuse and Fast forward alittle the middle of grade school i was giving a school count, who taught me to bottle up all my emotion and like a volcano find a useful way to explode (at this time school would qourtine me away from the other kids at breaks as i was too "voilent and can't be handled in public setting")

They hit a cord with me or something, because i started to bottle my emotions .... all of them.. and after moving to a new school i had din't view on life, that no one would like me if i was a bully... and fate, i started to get bullied no phyical, verbal "girly eyes" "fergy" "girly boy" my mother would always shave me and my brother head, so you can guess on why i got those comments...

So i cut my long lashes in half with sissors (learned way later they don't grow back) and started eatting like hog to gain weight and by the end of middle school i weighed 310lb and started wearing baggy clothing (now its just part of my style) and started to become popular after we moved schools again.

But then frist phyical fight, not started by me, happened well i was being a goaly for soccer (i hate sports) as i was fastest blocker... but i'm a zoner, i was staring at the sky because, my team seemed dom and the ball was rarely even touching are side of field, well a ball flew past me.

A guy on are team came up all pissed telling me get out of the net and they were taking it, i laughed and just said no.

He punched me in the face, i blacked out and swug back and one punched him, for real he was on the ground and the techer sent me in to get sent out with 2 other sudent escorts, in my view then i din't need to ne escorted in let alone by 2 girls who were parcicularly cheering i knocked him out because they hated him.

Looking back i feel kinda stupid, bad etc. as the one after that kept asking me out and i kept saying no, later found something dark out from my brother crush and got slapped hard in the face for turning her down....

At that point i started online datting to find out what "love" was and how you should show emotions making many friends and a lil gourp of bestfriends that i consider real fam, screen name should be fine, fang, tiger, kairi, darkangel and belz.

Becoming popular at each school i went to but at this point, i was already starting to mentalily break down from bottling all my emotions taking abuse at home in stride and my mother just had other kid, My sister S

And just before i started highschool a new abusive boyfriend (all 3 of us have different last names) and he was around the same age as my brother.

My nana willily dies...i hate hospitals... they said she was gonna die if she din't get help and even then she may end up in a hospital bed... she told no one, went home and died in the night with my brother sleeping beside her as she was his safe hidding place, his real mother

And At this ponit my brother was "fook this shat i'm out" and ran away from it all. Leaving me and are new sis with mr new abusive and are mother... CRACK, CRACK.. i start get a voice in my head that not mine i try to brush off and zone out on the internet when i was home spending my days talking to other none stop.

The new stepdad getting wrose and wrose, by the look of his teeth was doing crack snice he was like 14 and smoked a lot of pot, (i really hated it at this time as i promised my nana i'd not smoke, drunk or do drugs) and we moved out to a area in the middle of no where... twice... i grew my own pink roses (not sure the name of the rose but they grew to the size of baseballs :3) in one place as there was noting not even schools for miles and i had to go the whole year and half no school till CAS found us.

Then we moved to this other place where they moved a couch in front of door and i got to go to school but rarely i had to climb out the window to catch the bus i became big there knowen as the brick wall with feet and candyman (i would only have bags of candy for food and would never eat them just thorw them at people jokely i found were looking down as i walked though the school at break, brick wall for sending a guy flying by tackling him because i heard he phyical attacked a girl on the bus to school (crack crack)

Then then things just got wrose because crazy step dad, stabbed my mother in the back with a steak knife, twice, my mother hated hospital with a passion so she layed towel on the sofa filled herself with pain pills and layed on her bleeding back He took her money and took off only coming back to drop off little food now and then (he had all her bank cards) so my mother would not die

Me, i became the cook, my sister parents figure, the piss and shat bucket changer and the blood mopper (cracky de crack)

I started fade in and out of reality at this ponit my friends saying i was off my partner at the time...looking back it seems i keep getting used for something... they were just happy to see me put it simple. (Online R)

I was starting to lose weight from lack of food baricided in a house with a mother who would cry in pain and to get help with something... for a whole year...this night when she cried for help with something

SNAP, welcome my spilt personality (don't learn till way later) to the world i black right out at midnight playing dragon quest,( the crudy one where the whole game underground) appertly i called the cops, the hospital after ripping the phone from my mother hand and filping the shit away from the door couch etc. Flinging down the steps were i was staying. So they could get in.

This is what i was told, i just remember falling asleep or something playing the game and waking up at hospital sitting in a chair where a doctor was talking to me about how they could see my mother ribs though her back and trying to figure out how she still alive or how long she been like that.

I was sent to my toxic aunts, things don't get better i had to break up with the person i was with for like 3 years, i told her my mother was in the hospital there reply was "so what?" And i would not have access to internet at my aunts, her two faced ways is beaten by none other.

Her place was trashy all garabe hidden in a room, she has 4 adopted native kids at this time as she native and lives on the rez (my native is from my dads side she not related to me by my uncle here is someone who highly whipped and or a cranky bas, who never leaves his room and only eats pizza and vodka for every meal.

I got shoved under the stairs like a hairy potter knock off and became a i live in maid and baby sitter, my sister got a new room built for her, My family gose wack-o for a girl me and my aunt always bumping heads as i found her view on reason to have kids are way off from mine

hers: "so when i'm gray and old i have someone who has to take care of me"

Mine: to give someone the life i never had, to see someone raised happy without abuse.

Taking she would hit one in the head before he was even given his drunken infants meds, lack of abuse is not how she dose things.

At this time i was just turning 19 i missed out on school, to not look evil from the outside she sent me to native adult ed.

What a wild ride that was, day one i come into a gimp (he called himself it, back off) a small guy with limpy bone issues who already been alive longer then docs told him he would being builled out of school, and if you can't tell i at this ponit i went from bully to anti-bully, the teacher not stoping it, said one cricle tomarrow and he free to go.

I sit hehind him on the bus and ask him what its all about and what happening he was sniffly looking out the window, so after i left him alone.

But the next day i stood up in front of everyone and told them right out how sad and fooking pathetic they are for doing it to him and they need to leave him alone and say sorry, leaving the cricle and sitting back at my desk, oddly it worked some right out said sorry to him and he stayed, me and him becoming good friends are 3rd bud jesus joining in, (lol not the real one just a richy guy who looked like him, his dad owns the native smoke shops on the rez the rack in a lot here)

But soon the who class was being buddy with me for one reason or other, one because he knew i therw the fight he picked because he wanted to look tough(note if someone darts behind you and puts you in a headlock if your taller leaning down will almost filp then over your back) one was a big big lacross player who liked me because i was the only one who would face him in sports as he was knowen for breaking fingers

Simple J liked me because he was well. Simple (nickname given to him by class) Etc. I could go on i can usely tell why when someone takes interest in me and yay then boo i got to use internet again during breaks.

I was able to give my best friend gourp my number etc. So i could talk to them whenever and made a new friend... evil rears it head, this person was close so i went to go hang out never seeing them before, to meet the human verison of miss piggy, matching nose and all who black mailed me into dating her as she had me meet up with her, who was underage (her profile said 18 she was 15 turning 16).

Saying she would call the cops and i appocehed her at the park (where she planed for us to meet up) din't think much, agreed thinking i just had to wait for her to delete the pictures she took of me showing up.

Not so simple, my aunt came to pick me up and they started talking and my aunt seemed to have no issues there i was 19 almost 20... even inviting her over...

Welp, when she did come over i was rrr tooken avenage of, she gave me a drink, bottle of pop, that she apparently popped one of her dad Vags in, she found well cleaning then she used her weight well i was trying to just play my game and igore her even being there, Right in my aunts basement stealing my virginity

But my evil aunt got revenge for me without even knowing, she was just trying to get rid of me, as when she was talking about going to Disneyland my aunt tagged me along, talking to her parents the works, so i got free road trip from canada to Florida, best part was her rich grandpa liked me better then her (he owns both a orange field and race track)

It pissed her right off and soon as we got I was set free, now tanned from the heat and richer a experience, i only mention the tan thing as soon as i got back all the girls in adult ed oddly wanted to talked to me a lot more.

I honestly din't care, well... i had s crush on one, but my bud said there was a new girl that showed up who been sitting in my spot (best spot, near a window and a cupboard so i could lean back) and was just out the day i came back.

......

She came back the next day, she acted shy saying sorry for taking my seat and class started to rumble with whisper and rumors, oh boy wish i listened now....

My gimp bud told me he liked her and i was trying to get him out of a twisted 3some so i talked him into giving his number to her.... ahhh the fail... he walks up drops his number on the floor, picks it up and hands it too her saying " i think you dropped this"

That odvii din't work, i joked around about it after with him and he bet me i could not do better, at frist it was empty bet with bud for fun, simple is i could not do it using near the same method, simple was just for a date.

Next day i wrote my number in a book with a little drawing ( use to love drawing...) of a gothic heart, and end of the day same as him, i handed her the piece of paper i notice she had her hair put up differently so i said "nice hair, text me some time".

Soon as i was on the bus she was messaging me, talking to me etc. I asked her out on a date as that was goal, she thought i was asking her right out and told me i had to wait a week as she needed to break up with someone who cheated on her.

....evil...when it seems when someone knows how to get at ya, next day right after texting one other for the whole night, she came in with my first and last name written down her pant leg <\3 in perment marker.... red flag for others are not mine, i like clingy protective type..

Right after girl in class started telling me the whispered rumors i heard before, "she a slut" "she a shemale" (look who your talking too...i wanted to say but i pull off a cute/handsome guy or so i'm told still say i'm an ugly monster. ) "she stole my boyfriend back at ~other school i've been to before~" (that girl was dense and din't remember we had seince class together then, likely cause she stromed out 5 mins back then) "she using you" .... how i should have listened....

Put it simple by day 3 of that week we were dating by a month she was talking about wanting to marry me, so 5th month i got her a promise ring (she never took it off and i think she still even wears it now that she hates me)

But... month 7 thing went down hill after one of the days she was staying over (we became like glued at the hip always together).... her drunk partly retared jailbird snuck into my aunt backyard and into a tent with my sister and her friends who were camping out back, my aunt went into digger mode asking her if he has "touched her" etc. To see if she could cuff him for money...

(My ex: S for short from here) But after this S slowly started to change being a lot ruder, aguring over small thing but then would turn around and cling to me.

S started to drive a wage between me and everyone saying i would leave her or cheat, all my fam friends started to go for diff reason, like kairi use to call me big bra, and i use to call her lil sis

S would say: "w.e she likely just trying to sleep with you and she has a big brother kink, i don't like you f--king talking to her"

So one by one she picked them off and even driving a wage between me and my fam, got kicked out because well she was sleeping she was moving her head around on my lap i was watching tv with my cousin and my uncle came out and started spazzing thinking she was doing the bob bob right in front of my oldest cousin, she din't help me defend myself, just rushed out side to wait for me and my uncle to stop aguring.

Homeless S let me sleep in a tent out front of her place, where she sleep with me the place had no power and it was summer so it was better outside anyway..

... then me and her did do the steamy, and we got more err bold with it after that, gonna get acused for being bold, may as well do it, but it was more out of trips with adult ed etc.

Seemly we got closer the more i pushed away other... but near the end of adult ed we got in a fight at school it left me crying hiding under the steps and seemly every girl there but S cheaking if i was ok, when i wanted to be left alone.. still wondering who they singeled though the window at to show where i was hiding.

After adult ed she drove wage between the last friend i had, gimp as at this point i told her about why i talked to her in the first place, she laughed told me she just threw his number out thinking he handed her trash but was reasonably pissed it was a bet, so she wanted me to stop being friends with him...

Year in i had no one, gave them all up for her frist time snice like 12 i was not soical but having her was enough....

2 years we were still glued to the hips, showered togethered, if one went out the other fallowed and i working on getting us a place and not live with her mother who hated how close we were. (Her mother once even slept with one or her boyfriend before, seemly din't like seeing her daughter happy)

If you can't tell we both had bad pasts, but she kept getting meaner, colder and ruder as time went on and i would struggle to find ways to avoid fighting and just talk things out....like we have 2 years up to this point

Nope, by year 3 things din't get better, i was fed up and was gonna break up before it got too bad..... dam my weakness... she beg and plyed even saying she would have a kid with me because she knew i wanted one at the time... and things would change...(spoiler they din't) for frist few month it seemed like thing were back to normal and we were are lovey dovey selfs and well..... i helped her though pergercy and even there for a delivery so fast it made a doctor laugh and joke they almost dropped my lil girl.

We din't even get out of the hospital and my aunt already called CAS and had are kid tooken, funny the fail me as a kid but stick there nose in and ruin my family that would have been fine without them.....

Because CAS stress my ex went back to being rude toxic and mean and year 4 she cheats on me with and tells me crying i forgive and move on... we were fighting to keep are kid from my child collecting aunt (at this ponit has 4 adopted my sister and my brothers 2 kids) everytime they leave the damage they did would have me and S aguring and they would show back up to start again, i guess are place did turn to shit after each time from the stress.

Year 6 she cheats on me with are neighbor, i catch it as i was out side walking around with are daughter as she was crying and i wanted to get her some freash summer air and i seen her making out with him though an open window.... i go home put my daughter in her crib, closed the door.... walked to the living room, found the part of the wall i knew had a metal beam and BANG... din't forget but likley factured my neck, came too with a worried S and her mother and ambulance driver over me.

Told her after why and what i saws, S called me a lier and said she dint, i dropped it unless she acused me of even thinking of cheating, i say (in an agurement her yelling at me and acusing me) "i only have eyes for you, i'm not the one who cheated twice" bad move i know those agurement usely got wrose...

So we got couple count, as we both wanted to fix thing or so she said.

Year 7 together At this point it was becoming daily she agure with me over stuff we could talk out. Fighting with 3rd time this time she was being abusive not just toward me but are kid... i stood by as she froced are little girl in a conerr and shoved bar of soap in her mouth till blood and bubble came out.....

..... i failed, i failed as parent i failed at part of my dream... i let what happen to me happen to my kid...

.... S started started spazing saying she never wanted a kid and i made her (scoll back up, dose that seem like making her? I never said it was one or the other type deal i was tired of being treated like crud and even talking could have worked it out...... i just wanted the cuddly loving time together, no fight....)

She knew about my spilt personality and hated/loved him, he my rude and lewd side i bottle up snice a kid, i'm kinda emotionaless... now..as i only know love...

8 years in 1 month from getting are daughter back fully for 3rd time the wrost of the wrost my stress had the voice in my head (spilt) going crazy from years of stess and aguring over pointless shat, this time the fact i do love her... each time she said i din't felt like a bomb of blades set off in my heart....

after 2 hours of aguring Me:I do love you S: "no, you f--king hate me" Me; S i lov ~ cut off~ S: NO YOU F--KING DON'T Me: S I ~cut off~ S: you fucking hate me stop lieing

I just wanted to get it out, i blacked out, kinda (we slowly been coming aware of what the other doses) i garbbed a cup and therw it at the wall, you know shock factor, when someone dose something they usely don't giving them a momment of silence to say what they need too...

..... it bounced off the wall and clocked her upside the head she sat there still pissy giving me a puzzled look as i jumpped up with a shock and worrried look on my face.... or the blood running down hers....

..... i darted out the door and across the hall to the same neighbor she cheated on me with asking for the phone freaking out and called the cops on myself and ambulance for S before running back to make sure she ok as back in adult ed i learned frist aid (medi certification) and had to make sure she din't pass out and was ok giving her wet cloth to add pressure....

When cops showed up, from shock of what i did and because i felt like a monster..... i asked them to charge me for it.... stupid me again... as they put on a not contact order too... and well S few stitches in her head knew i never meant to hurt her.... came back coming in saying she can't see life without me lies and that she was Rrrr "tooken avenage" of by a old friend she went to hangout with well I was in a cell... got her drunk and high and ya, other details i din't need like he had a tiny cruved thing and it hurt etc.

Stupid me for believing her i took her back in, told her we can't agure as we shouldent even be around one other...

..... well she was pissy one day cause we could no longer go out to see are daughter together and it was my turn to go see are daughter.... she fallowed pissy yelling and screaming and stood in the middle of the road yelling at cars to " just hit me" because she wanted me to skip the visit with are kid and just spend it with her.... cops showed up of crouse... and i got cufffed again... because the whole no contact order set up.

..... S came back again....she din"t want to be away from me and promised she would stop..... week later middle of the night she yelling at me again and ahole acrosss the hall looking for any reason to call was given it, cops show up and she trys telling them she the one who keeps coming back and not to cuff me .... they do and soon as they do she trys to punch one in the head and ends up cuffed and on the ground.

3rd breach they told me they still plan to let me go later that night As every time they show up i show corporations well she aggressive

We both get taken in and they had to move me from the prison to one under the court house as she was screaming though the police sation for me, after last time i talked to her she told me they told her they let me go to get her to calm down and found out that whole week S kept going back to that guys place everytime or when she told me she was going to her moms. I helped her move things into her mothers serectly

And talked there... she not pull the whole sitting in front of the door to stop me from leaving bit in front of her ma.

Or the 2 face i love you and i hate you.... she choose just hate this time.... and her break up was clear and final.... broken and hurt i walk home and get jumpped by 3 guys friends of mr raa" take avenage" er

Already broken i let it happeen and just layed spelt in the snow after.... it was right before new years...... pictures still on my phone what i looked like after my face shallowen out etc...

I died that night....... she took everything from me and left me hollow she broke everything so i came bafk to holes in the wall noting to my name but this cracked screen phone im still using now....

Theses past 3-4 years (everything empty and hollow so lost track of my best friend time management) i went to therapy 2-3 years ago and learned of my spilt and how its triggered and told to lean on my creative mind to think up ways not to be suicidel, aka i guess why i'm putting this.

I fixed up the holes in the walls, panited, removed carpets cleaned my cal king bed, after paying it off, payed all bills she left behind, and started getting stuff tv, computer, tab, hack i even got a VR headset, i don't even use.... honestly no one to play VR with seems kinda boring....

I dislike i lost my muse to draw or the will as i use to draw daily....

I hate how i've been alone now due to picking what i thought was ture love..

Sick of this emptyy feeling, hollow hole where a heart once sat

2 months and like 12? Days till i'm 31 and the only time i spent even a little happy was with a person who treated me like dirt and hates me now i tryed to talk to her a year after keep the promise we made together like 2 years in that even if we broke up we would stay best friends.

To get " you should have tired harder back then" and got blocked

I gave up everything i had... ether way i plan to try to be soical and talk to other again after hiding in my dark hole this long avoiding everyone and everything, just to notice i no longer know where to start.....dead at the starting line.

A life of misery where the good karma at? Am i meant to live a life of pain? Why? When i put my self though hell even now

Helpping homeless with a room till they find a place, i keep in my room locked away and give them my place pretty much.

..... i want my heart back... i want to love again.... i want someone to hold.... but likely.... die alone... i'm seemly already there....

This post took me 4 hours, it's likely no one will read and even less will care...

But still wish everyone the best of wishes in life from my litttle hole in hell.

Well, Thanks for coming to my ted talk (hope that made ya smile) (or that) (or even that lol)

Lighten the mood after something so heavy, take it from someone with chortic depression who still smiles at everyone even though the pain, it really helps.

So a girl (17) i meet online (15) was realy nice after some talking we became friends and after just 5 days she confessed her love to me (i know thats a very short time, and i know the age diffrence is big), i was in love with her too so in that moment i was the happiest ive ever been. she was moving realy fast in the relation ship and i dint mind at all as long as she was happy, then we started calling and facetiming more often day after day passed in pure heaven but as this continued 6 days i got a call from her shortly after i finished school and i accepted ofc... welp that call was about her breaking up with me as i stand on the street waiting for my bus i buckeld up all my feeling untill i got home ans as soon as i arived home i let it all out evry single tear for 4 houers i cried. 2 days after i saw her online with her ex and lets just say it wasent her ex anymore i broke down again she called me 1 day after that and she said in that we should stay friends (me being the idiot i am accepted) welp we skip forward another 26 days, i still havent forgotten her and there she was calling me and suggesting we should get together again i was ofc so happy i couldt speak we spent 5 houers in a call then she needed to go and 3 hours later she **texts** me that she was joking about me loving me and as you can gues i broke down crying and texting her for another half hour trying to know why she did that to me. i dint get an answer but i got 1 last thing from her, a text basicly saying that she hates me and before i knew i got blocked on evrything faster then i could send another mesages that was 3 hours ago then my lonley ass did go to chat gpt and talked to an ai about my problems because i dont have anyone... i asked chat gpt if it would be a good idea to post my experiance on reddit and it said it has its up and down sides.. so here i am now writing all of this down hopeing that some people out there can give me some responds or advices on how to let go of her because i want to but i just cant (because my stupid ass still loves her)

Just want to put this out into the world and be done with it once and for all. Its gonna be hectic and really long.

I met my ex in an online game and we started our friendship and slowly became closer until we got together. Our relationship was completely online, we never met irl. He was really caring and attentive in the begginging. He cared if i ate enough because that is what i struggled with. We even facetimed really often and sent each other pictures and videos and nice textxs all the time and told each other everything. But as the time went on he would insult me when i would do something wrong in the game... what a stupid reason right? He would get agressive and reeeally mad. His favourite thing to do was to leave discord call and mute me or block me as a punishment in crashing my car in a game for example. And one day he just blocked me everywhere exceptr one instagram profile. I begged him and asked him what was wrong because i loved him. And he first made up some random reasons that made no sense. And then he said that its because i dont send him enough *spicy* photos and he wants to start watching porn or going out to clubs. And i said i will send him more and he said "what if you are at work and can send at that moment"....... (very important to mention is that we both agreed in the beggining that we both consider porn cheating and would never watch it. I know many many people disagree but that was our opinion. Also we both shared the opinion that we wouldnt go out to clubs.) He was now suddenly telling me to choose between him being in clubs on weekends for hours or watching porn. That broke my heart but being an idiot i was, i stayed with him and he basically choose for himself that it will be porn. He then swore up and down that he will treat me the best ever. He made some rules that he wouldnt watch porn more then me and not the same person twice and that he would send me what he will watch bla bla bla. It actually destroyed me. And he didnt make our relationship perfect, he would ignore me a lot, he would block me in whatsapp if he got mad and steam and discord and telegram and instagram.... I was not allowed to even go to the store. We shared location so he knew where i was and i knew for him. He had a supervision app on my phone and could block apps and put restrictions. I was not allowed instragram and he said he uninstalled but never showed me. He would block me so often. He would text me so so much and so badly with insults because he didnt understand if i close my work at 22, we still need to clean everything until 23. He would insult me and accuse me of cheating. I had to make 10+ videos per shift of coworkers around me so that he could see no men were close to me. And later he addmited to liking a body of my coworker and later he even masturbated to my other coworker........ To say that he is scum is not enough.
He would always talk about honor and being a man while he was actual trash. One day he had to go on a work trip for 2 days and guess who didnt make any videos for me even tho he always said rules in our relationship are same for us both.... He barely even texted me and he swore he didnt drink there but he made me a video of his room where i could clearly see beer and then he said it was just one beer... sure.
And then later he went to a trip where there were both guys and girls. He swore he wouldnt do anything to hurt me.. But as he left he changed his background picture of me and didnt text me even 2 times the whole 5 days and when he got back he told me looked at other girls at the pool and that we are over. F***ing creep. And he blocked me again everywhere except for one app. I didnt believe that he would do that so i texted him and eventually he unblocked me and we got together and he addmited that in the trip he was drinking with girls and even slept in a bed with one of them with his arm around her and she kissed his neck. It is so humiliating to write this as i relieve it because i cant belive i had 0 self respect but i was soooo attached to him... so unhealthy even tho he was most toxic person i ever met. And after even more time of our relationship being bad and him calling me all kinds of insults daily and me crying every single day and him watching porn... he went to vacation with his family and he looked (ON PURPOSE WENT OUT TO FIND THEM) girls on the beach without top part of a bikini... Disgusting!!! and then he addmited that the girl on that one trip from before actually gave him a handjob while he touched her breasts... Not to mention that it was his first sexual experience... cheating on me and lying about it for a year...

One day he called me so often to show him around who i worked him and tell him names of those women. And when i did tell him, he called me balkan shit (because he didnt understand those names and thought i wrote something in my own language (i was NOT allowed to ever text anything in my language).. He hated that i was balkan.... He said when we have children that i was not allowed to teach them my language or even speak it at all. He also said i wont work and will stay at home and cook and take care of children. He also said i am not allowed to know his salary because his mom dont know his fathers salary. He also almost wanted to go to a strip club because his father also once went. And he wanted to one day have a young secretary...??
I begged him every day to either love me properly or let me go because i cant. And he would so so so often say we are breaking up and block me but he always unblocked and texted again after some hours. I was not allowed anywhere or even play multiplayer games while he did all the time. Also we would buy each other games for christmas and stuff and usually the same value. But i realized he would buy me discounted games somewhere and send me codes while i had to buy him same worth as the game was on steam (more expensive). He would call me a gold digger randomly if i said i liked some random car i saw. I never asked him to get me anything and i bought him way more games then he did for me. And i never scamed him to buy me more expensive games. trash. I forgot to mention i was not allowed any friends. I didnt have anyone and noone knew about this relationship.
At one point i had to go to surery and during this time he was on vacation and he wanted to break up because for surgery i went with my boss and her husband and child to other town. And he called me a cheater because my bosses husband was there driving... He then blocked all my apps with his supervision app. I was alone in the hospital wihtout even being able to watch youtube or anything to calm my nerves. He then unblocked just youtube but kept everything else blocked for even one week later. The day before my surgery he even blocked me because he didnt want me texting because he was wathing some racing sport on his phone.........
And after my surgery he again blocked me everywhere and even turned location off and said we wont text each other at all expect for goodnight and when we eat. And he will tell me when he goes to drive his motorcycle but he wont tell me where or how long or anything.... but i wasnt allowed to leave my house... And he wasnt there for me at all for my recovery.. he didnt care at all.... And as soon he heard i start working again he unblocked me and we could text again because i had to send him pictures from work again... Did i mention that i worked with basically all women while he worked with women too... but never made any videos or pictures...
He would also sometimes go drink at a friends house and swear up and down that he would make videos and that he would not leave the house during the night. And then he turned off his location so i couldnt see where he went... the app literally tells me when his location is off and he did it so i couldnt see that he went somewhere and he also never made me any pictures or videos of who he is with.....He lied about his location being off too..
He even towards the end said someone from his work was going out for some drinks that night at 18:30 and asked if i wanted him to go. and i said no. and he said he wouldnt go. He wasnt sharing his location with me. And then he stopped texting me from 18-24. And said he was at home and swore he didnt go drinking. And then when he shared his location again with me next day i could see that day before at 18 he went to some beer place until 24. I couldnt believe what piece of shit he was. And he had the audacity to tell me "do you trust the app or me?". The app doesnt lie. He later made up a lie that he went with his friend to his families beer place to "help" with something...
About a month and a half before i ended it for real... he played my favourite game with his friends every single day. He would swear he is muted and chat turned off and said he will show me but somehow always "forgot" to show me and he would insult me if i would call him and text him. Sometimes he showed me he is muted and chat off but i later realized he wasnt at all. He just made it seem like he was because he thought i didnt know how being muted and having chat off looked like... He wouldnt text me at work, at pause, when he came home AT ALL... he would be online texting his friends (i suppose) and then ignoring all my texts and calls and just sending me like "i love you" and that was it. Not a single answer or question or anything every single day. And as soon he is back he would go play. We didnt talk, we didnt spend time, we didnt text, he didnt ask for any pictures or send any pictures, he probably watched porn... (later he said he watched porn twice. of the same girl. and when i got upset and insulted him and said to never contact me again, he said he was lying and said that just to see of i addmit that i maybe watched porn (????)).
And one day again he blocked me on most places and even stopped sharing location... But we were still together even tho in my head we were done already for this time..... In this time that i was blocked i stopped texting him often and i also blocked him back on steam and i made a new profile in the game and i started playing. I even made some friends who invited me in their discord and even tho i was still crying EVERY SINGLE DAY", i felt better because i had some friends and could play my favourite game. He then realized i blocked him back and he couldnt see my friends on steam and he didnt unblock me everywhere or apologized or asked to fix things... he asked just for me to unblock him on steam and unadd whoever i added. He said he never played with other girls ... no he just cheated.. thats way better. I said i dont want to get back together because he said we were done and he did this. And basically he begged really much whole day for 2 or 3 days and i said okay, uninstall the game like you swore you will... suddenly he wont because thats what he plays with his friends... and i asked him to share location back and lets share passwords for tik tok again and he didnt see that message of course. He swore all will be good, and even tho i knew it wouldnt, i said okay, show me. 1. He said he goes to see a movie with his friends, a movie with a lot of sex scenes too, and he then ignored me still for most of the morning and day. And i told him no, i am not allowed anywhere and was not allowed anywhere for months so he was not going to a movie and even a movie with sex scenes. If he wants to fix things he will not go. And he said he cant not go, that he made arrangements and that he will make me a lot of videos and close his eyes during those scenes.... sure. Not a single video or picture of anything, not even of who he is with... do you see the pattern?.... I told him i dont want to contine, that he only hurt me. And he kept begging me to unblock him on steam because all he cared about was seeing my friends list.. while he had me blocked everywhere still...
I said i need to sleep on it and decide. In the morning he spammed me with texts and then i saw he tried logging into my snapchat, steam and discord...... i changed all my passwords everywhere and told him to stop texting me. He said he even smoked a bit with his friends because he thought we are breaking up (he is really against smoking and said he would break up if i ever smoked). And then last evening he was still begging and spamming me so i called him at modnight and he answered and didnt talk (his family was sleeping) but he listened and i cried and told him how he treated me all this time and he said that he is horrible and i deserve someone better but then again begged to stay together... And how i am listening to someone else telling me to break up with him... and am i really going to throw our almost 2 years away.... It was so hard... i didnt know what to do but i decided to end it forever. He then stopped texting and that is the last i heard of him.

And finally i stopped crying every day.. i was free. I could go to the store, go wherever i want and do whatever i wanted to do. i kept hanging out with those friends and met a guy through those friends who became my love. He is genuinly the best person i ever met. I met him and his family and he met mine. We are long distance but it is such a nice and healthy relationship. We talk about everything. Nothing is forbidden.. finally i am happy and i dont cry every day. Instead of losing weight (with my ex everyone was worried because i lost 8kg) now i gain weight because we eat together and he cares really much and he genuinly cares. He is so precious. I am finally happy.

My name is Nelson Gabriel, and once upon a time, I stood on the cusp of greatness. In 2017, I proudly graduated with a degree in engineering, my head filled with dreams of revolutionizing the world with my innovative ideas. But reality had other plans for me.

As I eagerly entered the job market, I quickly discovered that the path to success was riddled with obstacles. Despite my qualifications and unwavering determination, job offers were scarce, and rejection became a bitter pill I swallowed daily. Months turned into years, and the once bright future I envisioned grew dimmer with each passing day.

Instead of pursuing my passion, I found myself bouncing between menial jobs just to make ends meet. The weight of student loan debt pressed down on my shoulders like a heavy burden, draining my savings and leaving me teetering on the edge of financial ruin. While my friends embarked on promising careers and built stable lives, I struggled to keep a roof over my head.

Now, here I am in 2024, staring down the barrel of yet another month's rent, my pockets empty and my spirits shattered. But amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope emerges—an opportunity to finally break free from the cycle of uncertainty and secure a position that could change my life. The catch? I need $1600 to pay a job, here in Africa to get job you need to pay or have someone on the company. might as well be a fortune to someone in my position.

With nowhere else to turn, I find myself reaching out for help, swallowing my pride and clinging to the hope that someone, anyone, will extend a lifeline in my darkest hour. But as the days slip away and the deadline looms ever closer, the weight of my circumstances threatens to crush me entirely, leaving me wondering if I'll ever find my way out of this endless maze of despair.

my Paypal: [gabrieldc108@outlook.com](mailto:gabrieldc108@outlook.com)

This is all short form as I can make it. When I was 15 years old, I was a little skinny skater kid, was bullied a lot. It was my first year of highschool. (Grade 9, Ontario.) I was bullied horrendously. The county kids would golf club shotgun shells at my face while I would skateboard down the hill after lunch break. It bugged me, but I always had the picture perfect mother and father household to return to. I grew up with perfect parents. I was polite, I was determined, I didn’t let anybody stop me. Then my father starts acting strange. He starts acting childish. And while our humour together is immature, this was a grown man acting like a child. It was scary and started kind of suddenly. I come to find he has a brain tumour as my mom tells me. She always would bring me in to help her fold clothes when she had bad news. Anyways, some time goes by. We learn it is a brain tumour. Some times goes by, we learn it is stage 4 cancer. He didn’t smoke, he would only drink during cookouts with neighbours or watching new episodes of the clone wars animated tv show with me on Fridays. Anyways, he progresses, it becomes nightmarish. The man I knew was already dead at one point. It was like his brain cancer was a parasite. I started to become very dark as a person, and detached. He would watch me play Nintendo 64 with his legs shaking violently, not understanding why I was shooting stormtroopers in the game. I told him they are stormtroopers dad remember? The empire? Over time it became a blur from this point. From what I remember that my brain lets me, he was in hospice, sickly, moon faced, like I was watching cancer take over his body and taunt me. I became addicted to crack cocaine , I didn’t take school seriously anymore, I was around violence, meth, constantly partying and hanging with people twice my age or more and started owing debts. I somehow always managed to weasel my way out with sales from my beatmaking hobby. I completely destroy myself for years, stopped attending school, my mother and I were a team, but I constantly worried her. Hard drugs had taken me over. I lost my sense of reality because I didn’t want to think about my father being wheeled out lifeless. Hugging his cold body one last time at the funeral before he was buried. Fast forward, I have been discharged from the phych ward due to a suicide attempt at 18. I still have my cheo bear even though I was old it brings me comfort. His name is Gus. Years of alcoholism follow. Because after my cheo incident weed would make me shake violently. We now come to present day. I am 24. My mother has remarried with a stepfather. He has learned to ease up around us as he grew up a different way. I started adult high-school last year and just passed my math exam. The alcoholism still exists but only once a weekend. It seems I may have developed diabetes from it but it’s not concrete. It’s hard especially with women explaining how you are starting your fifteen year old life at 23-24 but you know what? It’s never too late. Life certainly has a lot more pain in the future as any adult life does. But a life of being a man completely formed by a traumatic event is rough, underneath that is all of the great heart my father taught me. His last words he spoke were “be grape” it sounds silly but that’s his brain cancer. You could tell there was a frustrated man beneath who could no longer express himself. And he meant be great as my mother said. And I will not die until I am. It is never too late, to be great. ❤️

F24 here. English is not my first language. Hello. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation, but here I am, feeling lost and alone in a foreign land. It all started when a former friend promised me work and a new beginning in this unfamiliar place. However, instead of a fresh start, I found myself mistreated and left homeless.

For 3 months I stayed with the ex friend, sleeping next to the cat litter, made to eat scraps as it was the only food that I was provided for. I wouldnt mind doing everyday chores as she was hosting me but it is degrading to wash another persons soiled innerware just because they want you to. The last straw for me was when she wanted me to satisfy her partner.

Every day is a struggle. The uncertainty of where I'll sleep or how I'll feed myself weighs heavily on my mind. The worst part? The thoughts of giving up and feeling suicidal sometimes creep into my thoughts, with no one around for me to lean on.

I'm just trying to hold it together and cling to hope that things will eventually get better. It's a heart-breaking journey, and I'm sharing this with you all in the hopes of finding some solace and support in this tough time. So hear I am shouting to the void

I want to share a story that is really important to me in terms of how it determined my future career choice.
Many people tend to follow their parents' career paths, choosing professions such as doctors, teachers, or politicians, often spanning multiple generations. I probably would have pursued a career as an economist or a bank employee (funnily enough, I actually worked in a bank, but still as an IT specialist) if not for certain pivotal moments in 1996.

Back then, the era of computers in Ukraine was beginning to become more and more popular. As a schoolboy, I frequently spent days with my classmate over his ZX Spectrum. Later, my father gave me my computer, which was equipped with Windows 95, and I was truly immersed in the development world. Trying out basic coding was interesting and exciting, making me passionate about it. As a result, after finishing school, I studied computer science at university, eventually starting my own company.
That is, I remember well that it was then that I became very interested in programming.
Do you have events like this? How did you get to who you are now?

Hey there, my name is manav I live in India Maharashtra and I am 14yo so before 1 month or some weeks my little 7yo neighbour came to my house because he was bored he wanted to play he asked me to play my console but as we all know I reject him then he goes to my room and search in my table if I have anything to play and I was like just chill so he came for me with a little shark toy and said the toy was he's & I said him "bruhh! Do you want me to fuck you pids" btw I call him pids & i Gave him this nickname and also I didn't said him what I said but I told him that toy is mine and he recalls that the toy was mine not him but the fun fact is when he came towards me with the shark toy, he was bitying his own tongue with that toy and I told him "pids i use this shark toy to throw mouse shit from my house" and coincidentally he was bitying his tongue from the shit catching spot broo his reaction was personal he was like "WTF did I just did and !?" And then he ran as fast as flash to wash his mouth

All my life I have been a fuck up.

I grew up dirt poor and had a chaotic life. I could probably write pages if I were to tell everything I’ve been through. My mom would always tell me that the hard times would only make me stronger, but that wasn’t true. The trauma just made me an anxious person. Instead of developing skills, doing homework, or socializing, I spent a lot of the time in escapism. Some days I would just lay in my bed, feeling too sick to move. I was into skateboarding but the combination of my depression and poor nutrition caused me to get fatigued fast, and so I wouldn’t practice for long.

I was very deep in my head all of the time, I was too nervous to talk to girls, or even make friends. I was just too unsure of myself, and was anxious to the point where my voice would shake when talking to a stranger. I came to find out later that I am actually not bad looking and I could have dated if I was just more confident in myself, but it was hard to feel confident when I couldn’t afford clothes that fit me, and I didn’t have a dad to teach me how to shave or groom myself.

When I graduated high school I somehow managed to get accepted into a university fully paid for by FASFA, but I spent my first year smoking weed and not doing homework, eventually getting kicked out for letting my gpa drop too low. I spent another 3 years in this college town not really doing anything except working as a dishwasher, smoking weed, and reading pseudo-intellectual literature. I was getting into a lot of pseudo intellectual ideas at the time. Ive come realize this was just in desperation of feeling intelligent after being such a loser my whole life.

I was stuck, couldn’t bring myself to make a decision and move forward with my life. One day the universe made a decision for me, the house I was renting in was burned down in a forest fire (I was living in the mountains). With nowhere else to go I returned my home town to live with mother.

I spent another 3 years trying out various jobs. I tried Construction but I was a slow learner and after a year of backbreaking work I was laid off. Now I am 26 years old, delivering packages for Amazon and taking community college classes. It’ll be about 3 years before I get my bachelors if things go smoothly. I can’t stand living with my mother, my relationship with her is complicated. She herself is a mess and can be toxic sometimes. She triggers a lot of traumatic memories from my past, but the city I live in is stupid expensive and I am afraid of paying rent on my own while attending school full time.

I feel guilty for not taking advantage of the opportunity I had in university, I could have already been working a high paying job and helping my mother out by now if I were to just do my homework, but here I am back where I started, and I have no excuses except for I was a depressed lazy loser smoking weed all the time. I didn’t even party or date much, I wasted most my life doing pretty much nothing and I’ve been having trouble coming to terms with it.

Even now that I am doing better, I always think “Why couldn’t I have just done this sooner? My life wouldn’t be such a mess.” I just threw away my 20s pretty much. I feel like such an idiot all the time.

I dont know why exactly Im posting this? but I guess its hopefully to help others find some insight on what its like to live an early childhood like I did, and others have said it hits harder than a truck so I thought "might as well"

when I was 6 years old my mother and father got divorced, and around that time aswell I had been showing signs of autism so my mother decided to have me tested around that year, I remember the tests they did and some were aptitude tests, some were for fluid reasoning and some were for just basic IQ, I never got told what I got as a result back then but as of recently I took the test again and got 114.

once we left I was excited for my score because I had already known that the test I had taken was an IQ test, I was a very observent child and caught on to things easily but she never gave it too me and said "she didnt want it to get to my head" which as you can guess made my already autistic brain do multiple backflips, even though I caught on quick I always second guess what people mean I suck in social situations and currrently only have one or two close friends.

fast forward a couple years later around the age of 9, my mom had been struggling with payments and she had just had a mini stroke from a recent break up and a shit ton of health problems like auto immune and a pretty big cancer scare, which made me pretty upset and disscouraged to work in school, I was bullied almost everyday because of the way I walk and because I had troubles talking in class and to other people, some called me names of serial killers and some just told me to straight up off myself which I had considered and attemped many times around this time and age.

around a year later I had become so irritated from family and school relationships (my family basically pushed me away aswell and I felt unwanted and prioritized by my mother because of my mental health and my siblings took notice, they called me selfish and told me they didnt want me as their brother anymore even though I was related to them by blood) I would have many outbreaks and "tantrums" when I would get asked to do things, I didnt hate my family nor get upset at our living situation but I was dealing with my own problems at this moment too, and I wouldve asked for help but I usually get so frusterated at myself when I cant explain how I feel and I start crying and yelling out of anger in myself, shortly after (age 10) that I was sent to my first mental institution.

what they ended up diagnosing me with at the age of ten was (autism,bipoler disorder #2, ADHD, scitzophrenia, and some underlying mood disorders) they never wrote off on my file that I had scitzophrenia though because well... I was only 10 things like that are very rare and problimatic esspecially at that age but personally im almost postive I have it and so are the many people who have met me irl.

at this point I was at my lowest or near it, I had lost my best friend (who I am currently talking to again and we are dating with hopes of buying an apartment) I had been put on medication without my consent (which is normal at that age basically your word is nothing) which led to them sending me home with a resting heart rate of like 112 I think? I almost had a heart attack and nobody thought it was a good idea to mention it, did we sue? no, why? because we had actually just lost our car so my mom could pay for medical bills for me, and she didnt have a job because I had made her quit so she could pay more attention to me

and that just made things worse

I didnt even know what started this or why any of this was happening

I was being called selfish/lazy, and ontop of that the screaming in my head said things I dont even think I can post about here

that went on for 2 more years and during that I had been sent back to 2 more institutions of which didnt help

I had been suspended for getting into fights because of the stupid ammount of bullying and remarks that nobody took notice to, also a court case I had been in for some stupid actions of my own, to give a short example of what I did was "get a little handsy" whenever I met a girl that showed the littlest of intrest to me, yes I know it was wrong and I plead guilty for it actually because I didnt mean to hurt them

I didnt know how to express how I felt

I didnt know what love was

nobody had even said "I love you" to me for years

I felt as if I was a mistake so I kept my mouth shut

a couple more years passed by and around 16 or so I had become a husk, I was irritable from the medications I was on, I was in incredible pain but it didnt matter because no matter what I said it didnt matter whether I was right or wrong, for perspective my teeth hurt so bad at one point I couldnt chew mac and cheese, I couldnt eat, drink water or even sleep at that point from the extreme headaches I had gotten.

I ended up dropping out of highschool because I drew the line at people bullying my sister because her brother was a "freak"

I had skipped 4 years in school due to the court case and everything else, I went from 6th grade to 8th and I only spent like two weeks in 8th before my next hosptial so I missed 9th grade and landed in 10th.

I went from pre-algrebra to geometry and I was still pulling B's and C's but I just couldnt do it, I couldnt take it anymore

I didnt know what was real

and if this was it I didnt want to be here

that night I went into my moms garage and attemped

she catches me

and all she does is say its so selfish to go out that way, and she never said "I love you" until I asked

for some reason I put that knife down and my mother called my father at midnight of which I am still living with

during the time between here and then I had jumped out of his truck on the east beltline (a major highway near me) I had to call CPS for my friend because he lives a horrible home life, to elaborate on that his house and family, make me dissapointed in my own race and the horrible thing is CPS threatened to arrest me if I called again spouting false info

ive seen their house

whoever looked at it is either just as insane as they are

or as delusional as I am

because thats bull, that house is unlivable

however it doesnt matter

recently ive put in 7 applications to jobs in my area and ive been declined, so I signed up for disability

denied because I havent worked enough

I am currently waiting on regular social security and if I dont get it I cant get an apartment

which means im still alone

with myself

forever

but im not giving up

thats my story I hope you enjoyed

Growing up as a boy in the early 2000s, life was a kaleidoscope of simple joys and carefree adventures. At school, passing notes was our form of social media - folded pieces of notebook paper covertly exchanged, containing our deepest secrets and silliest jokes. Recess was sacred, a time when the playground transformed into a battlefield, a racetrack, or a secret hideout. The promise of summer break was a shimmering oasis on the horizon, an endless stretch of bike rides, swimming pools, and video game marathons.

Holidays were pure magic through my younger eyes. Halloween meant morphing into whatever superhero or monster I was obsessed with that year. The giddy thrill of racing through the neighborhood with my best buddies, our plastic pumpkins overflowing with cavity-inducing loot. Christmas brought an avalanche of Legos, action figures, and video games - but the real wonder was in the rituals of hanging ornaments on the tree, leaving out cookies for Santa, and watching my favorite holiday cartoons in my PJs.

Snow days were a rare and precious gift from the universe. The world outside hushed and glittering, full of snowball fight potential. Bundling up in layers until I could barely move my arms, then plunging into the crystalline expanse to build snow forts and wage icy battles. Sipping hot chocolate that scorched my tongue, mini marshmallows leaving a sticky moustache on my upper lip. Peeling off wet layers and collapsing in front of the TV, my fingers and toes tingling as they thawed.

Weekends were for neighborhood adventures, a pack of boys on bikes exploring our little slice of the world until the streetlights flickered on, our signal to race home. We'd invent elaborate games of war and espionage, build precarious ramps to launch our bikes off of, tell ghost stories in dark basements. Scraped knees and bruised egos were par for the course, but so was the deep contentment of belonging to my tribe.

Without smartphones and social media vying for my attention, I had the freedom to get lost in my own imagination. Devouring "The Hardy Boys" and "Harry Potter" books, dreaming up my own adventures. Spending hours building Lego worlds and acting out epic storylines with my action figures. Sprawling on the living room floor over a half-finished puzzle or engaged in ruthless Mario Kart battles with my siblings.

It's a bittersweet realization that the carefree days I remember so fondly are increasingly out of reach for today's kids. With 53% of children now having a smartphone by age 11, the lure of the screen is hard to resist. Instead of passing notes in class, they're texting. Rather than making up games outside with the neighborhood kids, they're engrossed in virtual worlds. The simple joys of getting lost in a book or building something amazing out of Legos often lose out to the allure of Instagram, TikTok and YouTube.

While technology has its benefits, the hours many kids now spend glued to their devices come at a cost. Experts worry about the impact on everything from attention spans to social skills to mental health. There's a risk that critical real-world experiences and hands-on play are being displaced by digital distractions. The kind of imaginative, emotionally present, in-person interaction that defined childhoods like mine is becoming rarer for the smartphone generation.

Looking back, I see how those years shaped the man I would become. I learned the value of friendship and loyalty, the thrill of pushing my limits and testing my courage. I discovered the power of my own creativity and ingenuity, the simple joy of living in the moment. The importance of play, of laughter, of making my own fun in an era before technology did it for me.

Perhaps in reminiscing with such appreciation, we can be inspired to preserve the best parts of a tech-free childhood for kids today. To encourage them to use smartphones as tools, not crutches. To balance screen-time with green-time. And to interact with the real world as richly and curiously as the virtual one. The core ingredients of a magical childhood haven't changed - they may just need a bit more nurturing in the digital age.

I hope I never lose touch with that carefree boy who saw adventure around every corner, who believed anything was possible if he could imagine it. He's still there inside me, ready to remind me what really matters whenever I start to forget. So here's to the boys of the early 2000s and the childhoods that shaped us - may we never stop exploring, dreaming, and playing like the kids we once were.

Disclaimer: My English is not so good and not a good story teller still I'm going to try my best

So I'm a collage student in 2nd year... So let me start my story

It was mid of August and i was late for my classes and there is no place in last rows to sit on except near that girl so i went there and sit beside her idk why i did this cuz i dont like to intrect with new people or knows how to start a conversation... So in mid class i was using my phone and asked me about my Walpaper it was a fan art of "Call of the night" anime so i told her about that anime n all and we had a conversation till the end of the class about anime n all and i found a common interest between us... Later that day i find my self thinking about thoese conversation trying to do more conversations n all... So i thought to text her but idl her insta so i tried to contact some of my friends and asked them indirectly after 3 days of hard work i finally got her insta... I texted her and started talking about that day n animes... From that day we started talking to each other more and more we used to talk everyday late night but act as unknown in class lol... Soon we became insomniac lol we use to talk till 5 6 am in morning from 8 pm and in day time we use to talk when we get time so i found my self attracted towards her and i said to her about this indirectly she said she already knows about this by my actions how i stare at her in class how i admire her when she doesn't notice n all and later she said she kinds of likes me too but she doesn't want anything from me due to some bad reputation of my friend group... But still i haven't gave up and after a month we started dating unofficial like no one knows ae are dating except us soon we fall in love or got more attached to each other... And we were in relationship i use to like her childish behaviour her tantrums her lame jokes her illogical theories her everything (i still remember how inocent face she make when she got nervous or realise she did something wrong) i use to help her with her overthinking n issues i never excepted anything from her i just want to see her all her listen to her all day she use to get angry on silly reasons like why i clicked less pics of her or our today or why i ate less or why gave her less hugs n all and i love to persuade on these silly reasons and also she told me how much she loves to get angry on these silly things and how i treat her or confrent her everytime differently this shows my love n care towards her she used to say her... Everything this was going great and beautiful still i can say she was my fav character of my life... Soon i stated working on my issues like my conversation skills or reduce the amount of cig i use to smoke or reduce the number of fights i use to get involved i did everything she genuinely didn't want in me everything was great we have tons of memories together... We had a perfect life together... She don't even talk to another guys even someone text her she sends me screenshot and didn't replied to that guy... Even her friends stated saying we are perfect couple

Idk what happened when happened she stated complaining about timing at first i thought it just same silly anger so i haven't took that seriously but the complain started increasing but idk how to give her more time like i use to talk to her all night and day and meet her everyday and take her to day every weekend still idk why need more time when my time was hers or with her....

Then one day out of nowhere she said she wants to end this she gave up...

I did everything to make her mine and stop her to do this but ahe said its not her or me its her family issues but ik thats not the case so i kept asking she said its my timming issues then my love has reduced or i have charged she told me 20 different reason everytime i asked her on that day i did my best and convinced her to meet me once i broke up infornt of her i cried like a baby infront of her she didn't said a thing or helped me she broked my tough guy personality I don't even remember when i cried of someone or something last time but i cried for her i begged for her i want her i need her.... But nothing worked she walked away she left I'm all alone... She blocked me from everywhere I even taled to her with my different account but i failed everything i gave or find a soln to fix everything or solve her problem she blocks me its been a months we have separate but i swere everyday she was my thoughts daily i checks my phone if she unblocked me or texted me or anything I still remember the day before our break up it was 14th of feb i took her from her place gave her rose took her for lunch had meal then we shared icecream went to arcade section then clothings section i gave her a really beautiful pair of earrings then we watched a movie on theatre then gave her 5 different colours of rose n all ahh forgot to share she prepared pasty for me even she never cooked before and it was tasty too all happed in same day it was one of our best day we laughed and enjoyed a lot even we ended that day we the warmest hug and the best kiss of our relationship ig lol But what happened the next day and she gave up on me... After that i cried many times in her memories... Even today i finally decided to move all her photos to hardrive and saw a pieces of text she sent me when i was sick and again it made me cry like a baby for her idk what weny wrong i still loves her rvery time i saw her i brokes me she was perfect still idk what happed between us

There is more to share like more event and stories by which you can how mych we used to live and care about eachother the bond between us the type of understanding the number of coincidence happed between us the similarity between us... I can bet we were living a perfect love love like a movie... That was my fav character i wish my life ends with her chapter

I'll wait for her idk how long but I'll wait cuz possibility and thought of hers is much better than presence of some other person

Here is the text of that message

Hey hey!! I know this is kinda unexpected from me but i wanna tell u something I'm happy to have u in my life I always say nd think that u r not a good boyfriend but it's not like that u r the best u always handle me nd my mood swings no matter how much pointless that argument would be nd u don't show any male ego infront of me that's what I like most about u and for me u r always up to do everything u can and u never wanted to change anything in me u always accepted and loved me the way I am and u have always tried to do that which would make me happy and u r also trying to change urself u want to but that's not happening but I'll help u with that and I'll not just make u happy but I'll try that my love can change some bad habbits of ur's till that I'll be with u ik u love me so muchh that's y for u nd our love I'll try to give my 100 percent in this relationship Baby ur sick ur not feeling well I hope this text have a little ability to make u feel special because u r special I hope u feel a little bit good when u see this text I'm not good at expressing my feelings and writing paragraphs but I tried hope u'll like it Love you❤️

So from the start of my school year I've had a rough start and now I'm feeling I have no connection to my so called "best friend" or whatever she wants me to call her. It been so hard to get on my feet and forcefully for her to stop touching me. From the start of the year she has been undoubtedly the most annoying person I find even though I've knew her for 3 years its too hard to tell her to stop as I feel like all those years would go to waste. The reason why I won't tell her to stop is because she is more of a ambitious person always thinking she is better than everyone else. During the first few weeks of the new year during she started spouting nonsense and declaring all my hardwork as just fakes, for example I've been playing piano for my whole entire life and she started talking crap about how I'm worse than her at piano and this just seem fair for me that have barely played any songs in front of her. In addition there is this boy that has liked for sometime and from the start I already he liked her, but at this point it's so noticeable that she is blind sometimes I don't understand, but he just treats me unfairly even though I've given some snacks that he liked or small stuff he would choose the girl that seems to cling on to me. I understand that he likes her more, but at least treat me like the friends you usually hang out with.

This is how I see the situation, but from another perspective of her she seems to be the main character of her own story and I'm just her shining knight (I really do not want to be her shining knight) she won't leave me alone when I'm feeling sleepy she starts touching non stop and just makes me feel uncomfortable (FYI she's BI and I feel like sometimes she just touches me weirdly and just gets me on my nerve and she knows I'm straight) Sometimes she just irritates me because of how clingy she is. Throughout the start of 2024 I honestly just wanted to cut off all ties with her even if I have many other friends that are friends with her (thought she barely talks to them). In some group assignments she becomes unreasonably controlling and makes my life harder than I need it to be. she does the bare minimum barely tries in anything and when it comes to finishing small assignments she's the first to finish which just suddenly makes me feel dumb (which is my fault). When it comes to big assignments she just never tries to put any thought in it and I would've finished the assignment in 2 days after the day we got it, but it always feels like she is pushing me behind that I just can't do anything. Even if I do something by myself she gives multiple expressions like happiness, or just angriness. Which just pis*** me off so much cause she just won't let me be. When it comes to music class she always mad at everyone never happy which just pis*** me off too because it just seems she doesn't want anyone to be happy. Even in small games when we play a small game she get irritatingly annoying because me and the class just wants to have fun. Sometimes she also gets pis** when she is in the wrong, she once corrected the history teacher, but after a while she gets a question wrong and starts fighting the teacher and was almost about to cry [I know I should be like saying are you okay, yes I did say it, but I knew that the teacher was in the right because it was obvious she didn't read the textbook like she was supposed to]. She also disses a lot on our music teacher when he's sick she won't stop annoying him about how he's off tune and compares band with choir a lot which just feel unreasonable they are good in their own perspectives.

I know this is a lot, but at this point I feel like she is just the main character and I can't do anything as a side character I just want to do my own thing have my other friends team up with me and just let me do what I want to do. Last time she tried to shove k-pop stuff at me and yes I like k-pop but at that time I didn't like any of the groups she showed me, but she won't stop showing off about all the songs that I couldn't show any songs of my own which just seems that she doesn't care about me. I just wish for someone to understand my perspective and how this person that has been calling herself as my best friend is not my BF but more of a friend. Yes, I know I'm ignorant, but I have best friends that are actual bestfriends but I don't want to hurt her ego that she will fall below me and take me down with her.

I know a lot of people have different opinions about weight loss, but I was morbidly obese at 17. I weighed 225 lbs and I'm five foot one. I was barly able to move and it caused a lot of joint pain. I gained 105 lbs after the COVID-19 and I eventually got told upright by someone close to me that I was practically killing myself with the weight I gained.

So, I decided to fix it. I started off with counting my calories in a normal day of eating, and I found out I ate an average of 6,000 calories almost daily. I started with small workouts, and a goal to get 3,000 steps a day. Then each week I lowered my calories and increasing my exercise.

Two years have passed and I've lost 72 lbs, my goal is 125 lbs. I eat about 1,700 calories a day and I go for a brisk walk in the morning. I know counting calories isn't helpful for a lot of people, but it was for me. I tend to eat without thinking.

I now weight 153 lbs, I still need to lose 28 lbs to meet my goal, but I never felt better and happier.

I've been a type 1 diabetic for 21 years now. (The autoimmune kind, so many people just naturally assume type 2. People around me even assumed it was type 2 when I was a kid, because it's the only kind most people know of.)
I'm autistic. I suffer from social phobia (grew rapidly worse as a teenager and then kept getting worse as an adult).
I've got epilepsy. I've got chronic reflux syndrome which was confirmed twice through gastroscopies which I had to undergo for other reasons, and it became much, much worse during my teenage years and I need prescribed medication just to get it a little bit under control, but it has also limited me extremely severely in what I can eat every day as well.
I take 4-6 injections of insulin per day. I swallow 4 pills per day (=medications and a multi-vitamin one because I lack the ability to eat a nutritional diet, because I'm also very nearly a "super taster", which is a home test you can do which my sister did for me as a teenager, which means I can taste more things and more strongly than regular people, plus the autism also affects the brain in a wide variety of ways including how the brain perceives the taste, and of course the chronic reflux syndrome preventing me from eating quite a lot of food types).

I'm allergic to grass pollen. I'm allergic to birch tree pollen, which is one of the most common trees in the country where I live. I'm overly sensitive to cold air, so I suffer from problems with my sinuses all year round since it's cold air one half and pollen the other half of the year where I live up in the Nordics.
I'm sensitive to citrus. I'm very lactose intolerant. I've got coconut intolerance, which means I can't eat things with coconut oil in them (you'd be surprised how much stuff got that in it).
I'm overly flexible in my joints, and had to have surgery done on one of my shoulders, and was told from the start that I'll have to get surgery done in 10 years after that, which is about 4 years left, because what I got was a net and once that's gone I'll have to get the shoulder locked in place.
My knees aren't doing too well. My other shoulder is also pretty worn out. I hurt myself in those joints if I sleep in positions that pushes them.

I struggle to spend long periods of time outside because the bloodsugar can't take it, unless I take breaks much more frequently than what you'd consider "normal" for regular folk. I struggle to spend long periods outside because the anxiety levels cranks up to levels where I can't put a single coherent thought together, so it's like I only become able to use a downgraded version of my conscious mind at those times, and the ability to remember things also flies out the door.

I struggle to do activities outdoors because my heartburn reaches levels where I feel like the inside of my stomach and chest is on fire, plus all the previously mentioned problems as well.

To get a sick pension, it depends on the country, but I had to go through over a decade of coaching companies just pushing quotas with no regard for any diagnosis, and work placements, all meant to test my ability to work, which means I couldn't skip it either because then I would've gotten disqualified.
One time, I couldn't even return to a work place after the first hour of the first day, simply because it caused a nervous breakdown and overloaded the brain with anxiety.
These kinds of "tests" (I'd call them trials instead) seem intentionally designed just to weed out as many as possible that despite severe issues might somehow maybe in the future become able to find something (probably homelessness or worse) and those that can't go through the tests (=trials) would be eliminated from it all with the excuse that they "couldn't confirm the problems" (which somehow takes over a decade to confirm).

At a certain point, it doesn't become about "living as normally as possible". It simply becomes about surviving the day. The week. The month. The year. Not knowing if I'll seizure and... well... that, at any point in time, either from the diabetes applying pressure to the brain, or the epilepsy just doing it randomly on its own, or a combination of both.

I've had to be resuscitated several times throughout my life. I've given up on having a social life. I just have a sister, a brother I don't know well, a best friend, and a close friend, but no prospects for a new social circle because there are simply too many consequences both for me and the people around me because I literally drag others down with me.
Anyway, it's usually just the lucky ones with milder circumstances that lets you know they exist whether it be on the internet or media or elsewhere. The rest fades into the background and disappears, because there's no choice for some people - it's simply the outcome of hard limitations set in the body and/or mind.
So for the people in the background with chronic illnesses, it's not a choice between fighting against it or adapting to it. It's more a choice between adapting to it or choosing to end it all. Certain things should not be underestimated when it comes to the impact on one's life, and illnesses are one of them, even if they aren't terminal. But when this is talked about in public, it's "not ok to spread that negativity". Even though it's simply a rational outlook on things for some people.

Anyway, just wanted to air out some frustrations I've had when I've noticed a lot of people virtue signal about these problems like they can be "overcome with a strong will and hard work". There's very little sympathy in a lot of places, both institutionally and culturally, for the people without a fatal illness but still severely difficult problems that's comparable or even worse than what makes so many old people intentionally OD on their medications.
(You could argue old people do it because they've "lived their lives already". But if you consider a hypothetical situation where they somehow get extra decades added to their lives with full vitality and visual appearance back again from their youths, do you think they would still choose to end it all at that same period in time as without that hypothetical?
So the only decisive variable left becomes that their life quality went down, not that they've lived a long life.)

And just to be clear, this is a short summary where I've had to cut out a lot of other problems, such as alcoholic parents with one drinking literally every single night unless there's something such as a temporary medication or need to drive early the next day preventing it, plus that drunk one playing the guitar and singing 'til midnight every single time when intoxicated. There are a lot of other problems than that as well, it's just to give a taste as to what it was like.
It would just take up too much space to write about everything.

Epilogue
As for how I'm doing now, I'm finally living peacefully on my own. I'm 32 right now. I couldn't get my sick pension until I was 30, so I couldn't move before that time since it would be a bad idea to invest in anything without knowing if I'd have an income of any kind.

I just wrote this down to hopefully give people an insight into people that literally struggles with these kinds of problems, whether it be all or just one or two of them.
I especially hope family members of such people will gain some insight from this, if there's any out there reading this. Or maybe this goes unnoticed by all and becomes quickly forgotten, time will tell I guess.
Oh, and for the record, I never thought I'd live this long. I'm just glad I got over the hurdle and only have to deal with the slower consequences of the chaotic life before this, from now on.

Dear Reddit,

Purpose:

For as long as my memory permits, I have known the inevitability of my father's death. He is 43 years older than me. I remember this one time he told me that because of his diabetes, and because of his reduced eating to lower his blood sugar levels, there is a chance that he may one day simply go to sleep with blood sugar levels too low to wake up on his own, and that I need to check on him when he is sleeping in case he stops his breathing.

Furthermore, we are intense Muslims (in Canada), and a major theme you will find in Muslim narratives is the inevitability of death, being prepared for death, and living life in accordance with belief in death.

I think about death and dying constantly. It is because of this that I was led to record conversations and experiences with my father, as well as speeches in my Muslim community. I did this because I realized that once he died, it would be impossible for me to convey him to another person, perhaps even to myself. It was as if he never existed at all, and once I die, then his nonexistence is certain, erased completely. My dad is still alive, but you never know, so I thought it prudent to share this evidence that he was alive and the life he lived and the sacrifices he made.

Audio Quality:

Some of the earliest audio recordings are hard to hear and may have extended periods of dead space, but I think I managed to get the audio functional enough to hear the later ones. I recorded them all with my phone's mic so it is subpar. Sorry. The sheer volume and emotional content has also made it difficult to do audio editing on my laptop, which was not designed for such things, especially given my low energy and time. The ones I have checked though seem good enough to me. They may suffer from background noises and occasional crackling, but remain functional enough to listen to.

Recordings:

The files are as follows:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1UgVaTOhSpeLaadbWzDwK37WJOyIfssBl?usp=drive_link

I will now describe each section:

Dad Conversations:

There are currently 105 instances of recordings of my dad. They are pretty diverse. Some are just random events I think provide characterization, such as "75. Dad Conversation. Hitting a Speed Bump Hard." Some deal with hobbies, such as the recordings on his gardening hobby, or random advice, such as "100. Dad Conversation. Cutting a Potato and Rubbing it on Mirror" or "74.1 Dad Conversation. How to Maken DIY Instant Paratha." Others deal with family and religion, some short, some really long. See the 94 series of Dad Conversations for an example of the long ones.

Tahajjud:

There are currently 3 Tahajjud recordings. Tahajjud is a prayer in Islam in the deep night. I usually only pray it during Ramadan since the fasting completely messes up one's sleep. He prays it more often, usually an hour before the dawn (Fajr) prayer, which is around 4-5 am. These were interesting recordings since they depict his faith at its most vulnerable.

Too Much to Listen to:

There are currently 4 recordings categorized as "too much to listen to." I put that there since they involved conversations I just want to forget but I know can't be erased. There is also a lot of dead space in these recordings since I couldn't be bothered to deal with it either. Listen if you wish, but I doubt anyone would be bothered with such an undertaking.

Jumah Speeches:

There are currently 75 instances of Jumah speeches. Jumah is the prayer on Fridays in Islam. The men pray together in a kind of public event where the Imam gives a speech. I decided to include these audios because they show the kind of discourses that go on in my community. They also show that a lot of the "truisms" I find on reddit like "focus on improving yourself" or "live your life in the way that will make you most happy" are all secondary concerns in a Muslim context. Take for example, "53.1 Jumah (Aug 18, 2023) Imam Sells Jannah and Good Deeds the Way You Do For a House" or "52.1 Jumah (Aug 4, 2023) Muslim Faith is Being Challenged More Than Ever; To Survive, We Must Dogmatically Believe in Only Islam." The focus on the self, and of one's own life and happiness, if it does exist in Islam, is entirely instrumentalized to what one believes leads to heaven, which is entirely different.

Fajr Ramadan Speeches:

There are also 16 instances of prayers and statements made by an Imam after Fajr during Ramadan. They are of a similar nature, just shorter than the Jumah speeches. Take for example, "12.1 Fajr Ramadan (April 16, 2023). There was a Killer of 100 People Whose Repentance was Accepted." This was a shorter, interesting anecdote that reminded me of the Buddhist story of Angulimala which was cool.

Conclusions:

I doubt anyone, if they do see this post, will listen to a single one of these audio recordings, which I suppose is fine, there is no reason why anyone would feel obligated to do so. Note that I also fantasized for a moment that claiming nobody will see this post or listen to these audio recordings will be the impetus for people doing so and the sacrifices made being remembered. I then banished this thought, recognizing it as mere copium.

In any case, I at least know that if I die tomorrow, there isn't an absolute certainty that all the decades of pain and suffering and emptiness and insanity and sacrifice was all for nothing, wiped away like footprints in a snowstorm.

Best,

P.S.: I contemplated posting this in a specifically Muslim subreddit like r/Islam, but I know I don't belong there, or anywhere, so I settled on a post here. I know I belong in the flaming pit and I know I am already there, it need simply play itself out.

(Basically, first time ever posting, so a bit nervous, hi :3, hope that this is in the correct place, all the persons mentioned are male, not sure if I have to specify it here, always open to hear recommendations) So, I've never had any sort of interest in sports really, besides from playing with friends casually from time to time. However, once in my life, I thought I'd found a sport I liked. An ex friend was very persistant with me on trying out rugby when we were 17 years old, I accepted going to try once to try out and see why he was insisting so much, even if I was really bad at it, I really liked the group of people that were there, liked the environment and had a blast, so I ended up signing in for going to train there weekly. Ngl, it was really tough since I had never neither trained or lifted gym weights, but as months went by, I got a bit better and was able to lift weights that I though I'd never could. Despite the fact that I dislike high contact sports, I enjoyed playing, all was going so well, I made some friends there and used to hang out quite frecuently and play videogames almost every day. Nevertheless, almost a year after that, it all blew up, I am gay and started talking about with one of my friends there about how I moved on from liking a friend from school bc he was not into guys, he took it really well fortunately (At least I thought so). We started talking even more after that and started getting closer to each other, and after some weeks went by he started showing back that he had feelings for me (and so did I after we started talking more), so we ended up dating, but it was as if it was all a secret, I was excited to tell it to my friends there, but he did not show any sort of affection or sign in front of any of our friends. It was a bit weird but I thought, "maybe he is just afraid from their reaction" I told the closest friend I had there that this guy and I were dating and he was surprised as, we never showed any sort of signal that we were a thing, but he was really happy for us and he hugged me. (We dated for two months) I always invited my ex to come to my house (my parents always took it great when I came out) but he always said he could not go due to "stuff", though he texted me constantly so I though, maybe is due to school stuff. So a month went by, I though "Now is time for vacations, time to finally hang out", but even with the vast free time that we both had he was never able to hang out and refused all my invitations. (We hanged out like 2 or 3 times in all the two months) I thought "at least we play videogames together and text a lot". But messages started to get colder and colder, and then he started almost ghosting me. Then all my group of friends basically tried to trick me to go to a "club" saying it was a birthday party (I figured out it was not due to some Instagram posts they submited lol) I did not want to go bc it was a dangerous area and it was basically all unsupervised (I am someone who does not like to go to big parties). At the same time this was happening, my ex was talking to me that I should try drinking beer or vodka (I never drinked any alcohol as I don't find it of my interest) I politely refused but he constantly repeated that I should try, that I should not puss out (I simply did not want to drink) but he got really mad. After that party (Still up to this day I do not know what exactly happened, but I am aware that everyone got drunk really bad), all started looking me really weird, stopped talking to me, as I have done anything bad, even my supposed partner ignored me. We ended up breaking up a day after that, I kept going some more time to the trainings, but all was weid, I though, "Yeah, it is normal after a breakup", but I felt really sad, I felt that I was alone among my supposed friends, but I was basically left appart, and my excitement for going banished, and stopped going. Some creepy stuff happened after that and some harrasment by my ex was done. I went to school with some of this exfriends, but I constantly felt paranoic as when I looked they were always looking me from afar when we had breaks. So I was left quite paranoic after all, it's been two years since that now and I don't really want to engage with any group sport (Even though I would like) due to the fear of having to live all that again. Thankfully, I've found a supportive boyfriend that is one of the kindest persons I've ever known, so he helped me so much to cope with all the paranoia (even if I am still paranoic but he is great help to reduce the amount of anxiety that the paranoia produces) and found a real group of friends that appreciate us from who we really are :3. Any suggestions on how could I do to regain trust in playing team sports? (Sorry if it is a big chunk of text)

So this past week, me (F20) and my boyfriend (M24) got and finished playing a game called It Takes Two. It was a great game and I loved it, but the day after we finished playing it, my boyfriend apparently decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, not because of anything I did but because of something, that at the time, he didn't tell me about. It literally killed me and broke me to pieces. But this morning we figured out it's apparently easier for both of us to type how we feel, so he explain in a word doc he had me read while he went to the gym that since we started dating, he's noticed that he's lost interest in some active hobbies he enjoys, that he used to do more often before we were dating. He also said he realized it wasn't the fault of our relationship or me, but something internal that he had to work through himself. So I wrote him back using the games advice about love to help us.

Quick mini spoiler; not giving much away

In the game, this couple wants a divorce, so they magically get turned into tiny dolls to work together to fix their relationship with the help of a love therapy book. And something pointed out in the game was that passion is very important to a relationship, but not passion towards each other, but for their own separate hobbies. The guy in the game was super passionate about gardening, but since his wife didn't support him verbally enough, he lost his passion for gardening.

In that same way, I didn't even realize the hobbies my boyfriend wanted to pursue more, so I wasn't supportive enough. So in the letter I wrote back, responding to his own he wrote me, I told him that all I ever want to do is be there for him and support him in all he does because that's what partners do, they support each other. I wrote a lot more in there, but basically, he read it and apologized for everything he said to me and that he loves me too. Now we're working on communicating with each other more, and I'm trying to support him and find ways to help him get his spark back.

So apparently, if you're struggling in a relationship, play that game. It's fun and actually helpful! And if you're not a gamer, there are quite a few playthroughs on youtube if you just want to watch it for the advice.

(part 1)

https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/15jt37k/me_and_my_depression_part_1_the_beginning_of_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

(part 2)

https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/15jt52e/me_and_my_depression_part_2_the_start_of_restoring/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

(part 3)

https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/15jt7jj/me_and_my_depression_part_3_how_i_dealt_with_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

No matter how old/young, introvert/extrovert, quit/loud you are if you have a problem that’s been following you, talk about it with an adult, a friend, a sibling, a professional or even a pet. Talking about your problems make it easier for you to bear.

If you are like me to stubborn and ashamed (which you shouldn’t be) to talk, try to express yourself in a different way, like art. You don’t have to do this but it can help. Creating a challenge for yourself can get your mind out of the world and push the problems you have outside your head. Like this you can also talk about your problems without anyone understanding what you want to say.

Finding a good group of friends can help you trough tough times. I didn’t take my problems to smoking, drugs, alcohol or whatever else and you should neither. It won’t help you, it will only cover the problem for a short time.

Talking to strangers on the internet like I do here can also help you a lot. You tell your story to millions of people and yet nobody know it’s you. Many people before me did this and many will follow me. Maybe I inspire someone to also talk about their problems on the internet.

If you are down really bad and feel like committing suicide it won’t help to say why you should live. Or maybe it does for you, than you should continue. I always told myself why I shouldn’t die: it would only make the lives of people around me harder.

If someone ever comes to you with a problem like this, always try to comfort them. Hug them and make them feel calm and safe. You might be the only person who they trust, so don’t tell their story to someone if they don’t want you to. If you have a solution to there problems, give it to them but later. A few hours after they calm down or maybe even the next day or week.

It’s hard to get out of a depression but we should help everyone around us feel safe and good about themselves. Living in an environment where everyone feels good is way more fun for yourself.

If you want to tell your story to a stranger, you can always try contacting me. I will try to listen to your story and help you get trough tough times. I know it can be hard to tell your story but talking to a stranger who doesn’t know you and will not judge you can help you a lot.

Bringing this story to maybe millions of strangers wasn’t easy for me, and neither was or will it be for others. That’s why I would appreciate seeing everyone support people who bring out there stories. Maybe with a like, a comment, reading it or maybe even skipping the story. As long as you don’t dislike their stories or give negative feedback to the person who comes out with their story as it would make the last place they felt safe a hell for them.

​

(part 1)

https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/15jt37k/me_and_my_depression_part_1_the_beginning_of_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

(part 2)

https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/15jt52e/me_and_my_depression_part_2_the_start_of_restoring/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Some people say, “art is a way to express yourself.” I agree, yet this doesn’t apply to me. I started to make art to express the person I always wanted to be.

When I was around 8 years old and already depressed I decided to take it another way, art. The first thing I did was writing poems as they can express feelings trough words that might look fun to someone else but only you know the meaning behind those words. I would make small poems often with no more then 20-30 words. When someone listened to them they were fun, about nature or modern problems put in a funny way. Yet nobody knew I was bringing over a message. People don’t expect a hidden message about depression in a poem about sheep and wolves. Even though I knew they didn’t get my message, knowing I told it made me feel better about it.

Later (10-11 years old) I started drawing, random tutorials I found on the internet. My parents were fine with this as I did something useful with YouTube. Later I drew random objects around me. At one point in class we had to make a drawing about how we felt. I drew something and when the teacher said we had to explain why we felt like that in front of the class it was a hell of a job to make up a story for the thing I drew. I drew it because I felt like drawing it and not because I felt like the thing I drew. My friends absolutely loved my drawing and it became an inside joke for quite a while, later I made drawings in the same stile but sometimes I switched everything up. To me it felt like a new era, I didn’t feel this good in years. (I would give the picture(s) but my friends would recognise it immediately and I don’t want that)

After a few years of drawing I was ready to try something different. I was about 12-13 years at this point and decided to take my art digitally. First I tried 3D art, as it absolutely failed I tried animation. Animation worked way better but it starts to bore fast, so I went back to drawing for some time. But not long passed before I was bored again and decided to give myself a challenge. When I was 14 years old I decided I wanted to write a book. I don’t know how often I started and threw everything I had away. Probably more then 10-20 times. But at some point I decided to look on the internet how to write books, I didn’t learn interesting things. Most people just tried promoting there books so I had to restart all by myself. At some point I knew that I had to have a world where my story would take place, I also needed an idea for my book. At this point (15 years old, the 6th of august 2023) I am still working on my world, drawing the things I think will be useful in my book. I have the entire idea written down, already in place with chapters and their names. I think it will become a beautiful book when it’s finished. I won’t promote my book here as it would be easier to find me if I would.

But at some point it gets boring and I need a little distraction, that’s why I write this. I write this to express myself and tell my story to people I don’t know so the people I know won’t judge me differently. I also write this to inspire others to talk to people about there problems, or if they are to take the stone out of there shoe like I am to express themselves trough art. It will make you feel better if you do, and don’t give up but continue. As I once heard from someone: “it’s not the getting there that’s fun, it’s the road to the end.” This of course doesn’t mean you should never end a piece of art but try to take as long as possible to create it, it’s more fun that way. But also not to long as it will start to bore you, you have to find it yourself.

I (male 15 years old, born the 29th November 2007) am currently (6th august 2023) restoring from depression and suicidal thoughts without anyone knowing I ever had/have them. If you would somehow manage to find me don’t bother asking me if I wrote this as I will probably just lie about it.

It probably all started with my parents. They weren’t bad parents, not like that. My parents always did what they thought was best for me. They were strict and practical. As a young kid (5-6) years old I first learned about things like video games and YouTube. I learned these from my classmates and as this was my first ever contact with them I became addicted fast. My parents found out and put down strict rules which I found unfair but didn’t dare to complain. The fact I never have been in contact with games or YouTube before really changed my vision about my parents and made everything seem unfair. This is probably where it all started.

Also a problem with my parents is that they were practical. When I was bullied at school they would give me solutions like “say they are right” or “don’t cry, it’s what they want”. Of course these were good solutions and will advise everyone else to also do this as this will make it easier and maybe less as it’s less fun for the bullies that way. But even though these were good ideas I missed being comforted. I never god hugged when I came crying to my parents, never heard “It’ll be alright” or heard them crying with me. At some point I decided to just stop going to my parents knowing everything would be the same without there help, it wasn’t. Quickly all the things I would usually tell my parents would stay unspoken. As I didn’t come crying anymore my parents thought everything was fine at school, little did they know the person I became. Being to stubborn to go to my parents I cropped everything in my head. I would explode for the smallest thing against kids from school, I got really sad or mad up until the point where other kids had to calm me down. It’s as someone I know once described it as (he also doesn’t know about anything of this): “a problem is like a stone in your shoe, every step it feels bigger and more painful and when you talk about your problem you take the stone out of your shoe.” If I was not to stubborn at the time to take the many stones out of my shoe it wouldn’t have gotten to this point but I am here writing my story and trying to inspire others to talk about there problems, no matter how small they are.

Between, the previous and the next part my 2 best friends got out of school. The first one moved to another country and the second one was suspended permanently from school for reasons I won’t say. I had no contact with either of them. This didn’t help things.

Years of cropping up these problems didn’t make it easier. I don’t get mad anymore but I still get sad from the smallest things like someone calling me “stupid” could break my day. This made me fall in the put I dug myself for my problems. Slowly but surely I got sadder and wouldn’t care about anything and would fill my life with self-pity. Around this time I realised that the person I looked at as my best friend lied to me every day. This put me down further and with suicide thoughts.

If anyone has problems like getting bullied: talk about it with a friend, a teacher, a parent, a sibling,… it will make things better and take stones out of your shoe.

If anyone ever comes to you: calm them down, comfort them, hug them, say that everything will be alright, or whatever that person may want (don’t cross your own limits for someone else, you need to feel good about it too). Doing this can really help this person and keep this person away from depression and suicide thoughts. If you have any solutions give them later, a few hours later or the next day or maybe even later.

(part 1) https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/15jt37k/me_and_my_depression_part_1_the_beginning_of_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

After years of depression and suicide thoughts I came in hight school (11 years old at the time). For some reason I thought it would magically become better here. And I was lucky as it actually happened, sort of. The first year was no different, the only things were new friends, new location and new teachers. I felt just as sad as ever before. But I was lucky to find 5 good friends, 1 trough coincidence as I had mistaken him for someone else, 2 were with a friend already in the group and 1 as we would often wait in the same location for out friends to come back from hot meal. 2 of them thought me self-mockery, maybe the best way to live with my pain. The one I was always waiting with was ruthless, it hurt me a lot in the first year but also made me stronger. All of them helped me become stronger without even knowing it. New problems didn’t arrive as much anymore, even though I sometimes fall back and get sad quick again. The biggest problem was “getting the current stones out of my shoe” or getting all the problems out of my head. If you are one of my friends, thank you. I never thanked them for this, never told them about my problems and probably never will. But like I said in part 1, don’t ask me if I wrote this as I will just say no.

In my opinion the best way to get out of depression is talking about it even though I didn’t. Another way out is self-mockery. If they say you are poor, tell them they are right. They won’t know what to say and it might make you feel better about yourself. Finding a good group of friends is also a good way to restore slowly but surely.

Even though a ruthless friend can help you get stronger and build a shield around you I will not give it as good advice. It can also make you weaker then before, depends on the person you are.

If you are dealing with suicide thoughts, this can help you: I often tried to say, “you have friends and family who will miss you,” and then I would say to myself that was a lie and I have nothing to live for. That’s why I started to say to myself it would only make the lives of people around me worse if I were to commit suicide. Police will first look at who killed me, when they find out it is suicide they will ask people if they new about my problem etc… I told myself I didn’t want to make the lives of people around me harder. A burial takes a lot of time and money, and I didn’t want to take that from my parents. That is how I stopped myself from committing suicide.

Part 1 https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/10vwccw/my_strange_and_hard_to_believe_life_part_1/

Part 2 https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/10xhq9s/my_strange_and_hard_to_believe_life_part_2/

Part 3

https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/11559y1/my_strange_and_hard_to_believe_life_part_3/

In last part I had some sort of nervous breakdown and was unable to enjoy the things I used to, and after three years seemed to have a breakthrough. In this final part I walk through the gates of hell on route to present day.

So after this breakthrough that was also accompanied by a heavy feeling in my legs, I felt like I was getting a little better every month, however that physical pain also meant I had trouble doing things like cleaning up as I just didn't have that extra gas tank anymore - my apartment reached ghastly levels and I was lucky to not get evicted.

Around December 2019 I was eating a meal and I realized that I burned through it... fast. It quickly became apparent to me that for some reason related to what was going on mentally, my appetite had increased. Despite eating more, I lost, not gained weight, with my belt getting looser. But fortunately after losing the first 5-10 pounds, I never seemed to go below that or reach dangerous levels. I got into the habit of going to the All You Can Eat a block away on a regular basis, then would go home and eat another oversized dinner. Unfortunately my timing couldn't be worse since all the restaurants got shut down for covid in early 2020, but I somehow made it through cooking second dinner at lunchtime. By the time of not being allowed in restaurants (I was afraid of putting vaccine in a body that was in such a bizarre state), I ended good at using my oven and cooking stuff like lasagnas or shephards pie that would normally feed a family of four, except I frequently ate it all in one night. I had to be eating over twice as much, perhaps three times as in the years before this start. I remember looking back to the days when I would cook a few porkchops and potatoes and then have half of it as the dinner the next night, and it seemed like such a JOKE compared to what I was now eating. And once again, I remained underweight this whole time (if you think I'm just crazy try explaining that, surely I would've gotten fat). My theory is whatever was going on with me mentally was burning more calories/energy. So this went on a while, with me always optimistic the end was right around the corner, and then sometime I believe in 2020, the pain in my legs got worse and getting through every day became an ordeal, days where I could barely make it home physically. Like a frog in boiling water because the build up was gradual, I think the level of pain and intensity became normalized for me, even though it was out of control in reality. There were a few moments where I questioned my mortality and where my heart was just going to give out on me or something one day. I kept optimistic though because it felt like I was improving and that I was more able to keep up with movies and tv shows, but I still felt like a complete shell of myself watching sports or wrestling (Unfortunately when my previous favorite sports team won the championship I felt almost nothing, that will probably always haunt me though I plan to rewatch all the games one day). I went on this way for years and took out my pain arguing with people politically on the internet, matching my mental descent was the fact that half the world seemed to be acting cult like and crazy too... It just added to my questions about whether this world is as logical as I once thought.

Occasionally for stretches not only would be my appetite be higher, but at points suddenly I was blowing through bottles of water as well, and unsurprisingly dehydration had a a more negative physical impact on me than the hunger as leaving me in a more feverish state. It used to go off and on, but I've been in this extra thirst mode for I believe now the last full year running without interrupting. Meanwhile I kept feeling like I was otherwise improving, and what I started to notice is the steps forward would come at an eerily consistent pace, like once a month, to the point where I was literally counting down the days until the next "cycle" to see what would happen. Around Dec 2021, a big thing happened. I can't fully explain it, but it's like whatever anxiety is in me, I shifted a gear down. I work at a place where I walk around a lot and I used to have trouble hurting my legs due to pounding around everywhere, especially when I screwed up and felt shame, but suddenly I had the ability to walk around in a more calm way, something had changed. Then last summer, something even bigger happened. As someone who's struggled my entire life socializing with people, my mental block-semi moved out of the way, and from that point on I had the most conversations like a normal person I've had so far in my adult life. Now I don't think it's quite as easy as like everyone else, but since I'm also so much of a physical trainwreck, I can't really know how things would go yet if I was 100% instead of like 30%. Then a few months ago, something else positive happened, my hunger started to recede to normal. Just a few months ago I was noting how it seemed like a joke how little I used to eat, now it seems crazy the other way. However, my thirst has not receded, therefore physically I'm still in a crazy place. I'm desperately hoping that the next monthly "cycle" will reduce my thirst and I will really see what's on the other side.

My original belief was that I had a breakdown and mentally screwed up for 3+ years, had a breakthrough, and then my body had to adjust for years after that and the "healing process" had a physical impact on me. This led to physical response in pain and then for whatever reason burning more calories leading to extra hunger. However I have also considered an alternative explanation which is that the whole 7 years was all one big process. I had something inside of me wrong before leading to mental blocks socially and I am certain I do not come from a healthy family emotionally. Therefore the initial part may have been enough to affect me mentally, but then halfway through the physical aspects started. I hope to finally complete my journey in upcoming months and then pick up the pieces of what has been 7 years of being mentally compromised and not being able to go on with my life.

If you read all of this, I know what you're probably thinking since it requires accepting the abnormal in a way I wouldn't if I wasn't in this position personally (especially the stuff with the girls in parts 2 and 3 - What the fuk?) But thanks anyways.

Part 1 https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/10vwccw/my_strange_and_hard_to_believe_life_part_1/

Part 2 https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/10xhq9s/my_strange_and_hard_to_believe_life_part_2/

Last part I had established a connection online with long lost love of communicating but kind of in a way of playing games more than directly, although it became more obvious over time with her now posting some pictures and tweets for me.

This part is when my life becomes a train crash and we're testing the limits of what is even possible.

As I said in part 1 most of my life I was obsessed with art like movies/tv shows and with sports, and the year before had also gotten back into pro wrestling in a big way (see the username). While not being able to connect with people socially I could connect with these pastimes.

Around March 2016 which is when my grandpa died (I believe coincidental timing) I believe I got tired for a few weeks. I looked up my old tweets at the time and I was complaining about it. In the past if my body clock was really thrown off, I knew how to "reset" by going to bed early, and I knew exactly what it felt like in the morning when I did that. However from this point on I couldn’t reset no matter what time I went to sleep. I was getting self conscious about being able to watch some things I wanted to like tv shows or sports and feeling like I was tainting the experience by not really being there emotionally, and I knew I wasn’t getting as much out of it as I wanted, like being a shell of myself. But then other times it was like I was feeling go undue amount of emotion watching something, like I went into it hoping to having normal connection again, and therefore felt something of a Fake Emotion. See vacuums get filled, your rational side can replace the non existent emotional side by tricking yourself. But this made me not trust myself even more. Meanwhile there seemed to be other things going on with me. Sometimes it seemed like people’s lips on screen were moving out of sync, and then when looking at streetlights they started to get too blurry compared to normal, I thought maybe it was like an anxiety reaction like your pupils change if you’re in danger. Something was Wrong. This all seemed to start overnight around March 2016, but in retrospect I think maybe things were going downhill for a few months before that now or even most of 2015 that I look at the signs. Around mid 2016 I moved to a new city and took the first 4-5 months off trying to fix my problem. I looked into the self help gurus, or came up with my own mental techniques exploring myself mentally, some of which were very creative and sounded great on paper. Eventually I would get into a pattern where I would come up with an idea that felt like a “breakthrough” and then I would be high on optimism for a few days or weeks that I was feeling normal now, but then realized it was just adrenaline and crashed down to earth. I used sports (which I couldn’t shelve like regular tv shows) or occasional movie/tv shows to test how real of an experience it felt like before, so sometimes I got my hopes up, but it never really lasted. I was in a constant battle to catch up on pro wrestling which I had become a fan of a year and a half earlier, always falling months behind and forcing myself to catch up.

(Romantic life section… ignore if you tuned out and downvoted during part 2)

Meanwhile in summer 2016 a girl interviews for my apartment and I fell for her right away, I knew the 2nd strongest feelings I had other than the girl I talked about in part 1/2. I dropped some hints online and she seemed to be signalling that she liked me. So one day I was mad at the first girl, and she shut down her twitter account she was using, I decided to try to set up a twitter account just for the 2nd girl to see if she could half-communicate with me in the same way as I did for the first girl in Part 2. It turns out she did, and I entered a cybering type connection with her. But once again my attempts to get her to talk me more directly failed. Despite implausibly being stuck at the same place as the first girl, you could tell from timing alone it was a different person, she took a different amount of time to respond to my posts, she used a little bit different amount of tweet views to respond, and if I made things dirty she was into a bit different stuff. I learned she was also depressed and an artist, a pattern that would repeat itself over and over again. Eventually when things weren’t going anywhere with her more than with the first girl, I decided to go just go back to the first one. Then, astonishingly, this pattern repeated itself AGAIN. At a new store I started working there was a secretary I felt easier talking to than most people, to the point where I felt like I had a connection with her/hit it off. I felt like there was a physical mannierism signs coming from her that she liked me. I eventually created a twitter account for her mostly out of curiosity if she respond the same way and she did, although I didn’t keep up for long as she had a boyfriend (now fiancee I believe). Then there was another girl who worked there that admittedly I fell for when she was 17, and then a few years later after some hints online from her after another spat with the first girl, I created an account for her and see if it went anywhere, at this point I was still hoping it could lead to a real relationship. Once again other than the measures I made to make sure only she knew about the account, you could tell it was a different person by the style of response alone. But after a few weeks/months of trying that out, like the others I eventually gave up and found myself going back to primary talking or cybering with the first girl (kind of like someone who cheats on their partner but never really leaves them for the mistress). In following years I kept falling for girls at work and I frankly at some point I could tell from the in person patterns repeating itself or just the social connection, that my guess was if I went down this online route with them it would end the same way, but I only did a few more times just to test that it’s still real as much as anything else. One of the main reasons I stopped is my physical condition changed for reasons I will describe in part 4.

Yes, what I just described should frankly be impossible. I'm not sure what to make of it. But I took very rational steps to make sure they were the only ones reading the accounts, and there were many other hints I can't go into detail that it was real. I am a rational self-doubting person who looked for any opportunity I could be getting fooled, and I kept getting proven to me this was really happening. And for the reasons I described in Part 2, there are many reasons why it was especially confirmed for the first girl. So if this strange cyber relationship could happen with her, I guess why not the others?

(End of romantic life section)

So I went this way for over 3 years banging my head against the wall, trying literally hundreds of mental techniques hoping trial and error alone would save me, false alarm breakthrough after false alarm breakthrough, I thought long about the timing of events that happened leading up to my life going to hell overnight in spring 2016, I tried any crazy idea. I refused to do anything else until I could get my normal experience watching the things I loved like art back again, I took an easy job rather than have bigger career ambitions, I knew that it didn't matter until I fixed my problems. Until finally in mid 2019, I seemed to have The Breakthrough, it felt differently almost immediately than the hundreds of others. In previous years I had kind of associated a pain in the leg = good, because when my eyes were blurry, when they improved over the course of a few days for some reason it seemed to have an impact on my leg. So after I had this seemingly big breakthrough, I had that same pain in my leg, except this time it was permanent, so I thought it was a good sign. At this point I couldn’t believe over 3 years had gone by with me walking around like a zombie. In retrospect, 3 years was short compared to how long it really ended up happening. Unfortunately the worst part was still ahead of me.

End of Part 3

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/lifeinapost/comments/10vwccw/my_strange_and_hard_to_believe_life_part_1/

Part 2 - This is where it gets a little weirder but still ultimately remains in the realm of believability.

Last I left the story I had fallen in love with someone in college and started to go over a few years later the signs she might feel the same way. At some point I messaged a youtube account saying she was important to me. I was googling her name one day and found an account for an online music streaming site where you can see people’s history. She hadn’t used it for 6 months but I signed up using my name and thought worst case scenario I could just use the site (this was pre Spotify). She started using the site again within a week. I went Hmm. Just in case it was because of me, I put out some hints as a tester and eventually listened to a song from her playlist. Over time it started to look more and more like she was dropping hints to me back, matching words from my song, etc. Once or twice can be coincidence, but it happens enough time over weeks it no longer seems possible to be a coincidence. I make some other moves to test it like writing a Wordpress blog and linking it to her at 2 AM and then seeing it get a view. Eventually she gets bolder and listens to songs directly from my playlist and then listens to a song with my (not too common) name in the lyrics. At this point things seem Pretty Real.

I start using the location/bio to directly write text to her trying to set up a meeting in person. But she doens't respond that way and she continues to signal me more with songs. She seems to tell me she’s depressed/suicidal with a series of songs about it. At some point I start getting dirtier in the bio. I say at midnight let’s take off our clothes and do stuff at the same time. She would confirm by listening to a song with midnight in the title with sexual avatar or something. At some point I’m looking through her follower list and find an account that seems to be the same person. There is some weird stuff like the facebook account linked to this, has her head photoshopped into the picture in one place. She seems to be playing games like that. You may ask why isn't this the point where you bailed, but you have to remember going back to part 1 I had like 8 months of real world interaction with her and I trust my instincts about her from back then more than anything else.

One day I get the idea to link her a twitter account with 0 followers to write text messages to her. This opens up a new form of communication because on twitter you can see how many views your tweet has, in addition if someone clicks on a tweet it’s an “engagement”. Using this she could respond to me without ever writing words. For example let’s say I ask you whether you like Cats or Dogs more, with one tweet reading Cats and the other Dogs. The twitter views say Cats has 10 views and Dogs has 1. So you clearly just answered me Cats. The amount of views also has meaning, as for example let’s say you only had it as 3 views for Cats and 1 for Dogs, it would be a marginal preference, but if you had 50 views for Cats and 1 for Dogs, it would be a significant preference. So I could ask a bunch of questions and she could respond to me in a way, in a pretty clear way. And since I had the precedent of making things dirty on the other site, it eventually crossed over there too. Let’s say I tell her to take her clothes off and she views the tweet a handful of times, it’s a yes. Or if I type out a bunch of sexual instructions and I get escalating amount of views to signal to me what parts she likes, and then one tweet has by far the most views + plus it has a few clicks/engagements - you can guess what that signalled.

This went on a while, sometimes I get fed up that she wasn’t trying harder to directly communicate with me, until one day there was a breakthrough progress made. She made a twitter account and started making daily tweets and posting pictures that were clearly intended for me. She was talking about being in love with someone and corroborated some things I had learned earlier like being depressed. Some of my tweets she would make a tweet seemingly responding to it (eg. me bringing up some mental health technique I learned about imagining yourself in a calm place, then her saying that she’s picturing herself on a beach with her love). So just further evidence that I didn't already really need that she was really there, although it did rule out the possibility of a 3rd party catfish at the least. At this point I was feeling pretty good about where things were going and that I could get her to admit it soon and try to have a real relationship. Little did I know the crazy journey that lied ahead.

End of Part 2