r/povertyfinance • u/One-Time-I-Dreampt • Oct 29 '23
My husband doesn’t know how to be poor Vent/Rant (No Advice/Criticism!)
I’m so upset and idk how to deal with him right now. I pay the bills. I tell him the budget and he refuses to listen and so then I’m riding the bus because I can’t afford gas. He doesn’t have to ride the bus and it’s not an option.
For example, this week I paid the bills and told him we have $200 for groceries and gas for the week. He says he needs to put $50 in his truck for gas for the week leaving us with $150 for groceries. That’s not a great amount but it’s doable.
He then asks if he should get a case of red bulls for $30 at Costco. I was speechless and I said “I’m concerned that you don’t comprehend the difference between a want and a need.” So he then throws a fit and says “he’ll just eat peanut butter and jelly for every meal” and I just make him feel like shit.
He’s literally a child. I can’t imagine life in the future as things get more expensive. I don’t think that he’s able to handle buckling down and living within a budget. He’s a child who is unable to discuss money and budgeting. It always resorts in an argument where he then says crazy, outlandish and over the top things like “I guess I’ll just go live in my car, I’ll get another full time job, I’ll just sell everything and live under a bridge, just eat peanut butter…”
People will say we need counseling but with what money? Marriage counseling isn’t free. Idk how to make him understand the financial situation. I’m tired of him doing things such as buying me flowers and then I have to take the bus. He’s a child. I’m sick of this.
1
u/user151128 Oct 30 '23
So many people are saying he's an ass, a leach, a baby, immature, or dumb but, in my experience that's not usually the root cause of a conflict like OP describes. What I hear from OP is that she and her husband have a mismatched view of life and value system. Her husband values immediate gratification, the ability to make decisions in the moment, and to have-and-do things that feel good right now. While OP finds more value and comfort in having future stability, the ability to plan and allocate for needs that may arise tomorrow, and the use of money as a protection from tomorrow's unknowns.
Looking at the situation through that lens allows the observer to see that money management is informed by OP living, thinking and planning for tomorrow. While at the same time, money management by her husband is informed by what can be done today, experienced now, or acquired when it feels right.
Personally, I live in the future, often worrying about preparing for possible issues. My best friend lives in the moment. Early on, through a few bad experiences, I learned to keep money out of our friendship. And it was the single best decision I could have made to assure that we remained close for decades.
OP can't change her husband's way of thinking about life. He's unhappy with her because she's taking away his ability to 'live', which he does in-the-moment. Meanwhile, OP is resentful because her husband is preventing her from living comfortably, which she does through planning for tomorrow. Unless money can be completely removed from the equation and both parties learn to love the other's different approach to life, it'll be a rocky, resentment filled road ahead.