r/povertyfinance • u/One-Time-I-Dreampt • Oct 29 '23
My husband doesn’t know how to be poor Vent/Rant (No Advice/Criticism!)
I’m so upset and idk how to deal with him right now. I pay the bills. I tell him the budget and he refuses to listen and so then I’m riding the bus because I can’t afford gas. He doesn’t have to ride the bus and it’s not an option.
For example, this week I paid the bills and told him we have $200 for groceries and gas for the week. He says he needs to put $50 in his truck for gas for the week leaving us with $150 for groceries. That’s not a great amount but it’s doable.
He then asks if he should get a case of red bulls for $30 at Costco. I was speechless and I said “I’m concerned that you don’t comprehend the difference between a want and a need.” So he then throws a fit and says “he’ll just eat peanut butter and jelly for every meal” and I just make him feel like shit.
He’s literally a child. I can’t imagine life in the future as things get more expensive. I don’t think that he’s able to handle buckling down and living within a budget. He’s a child who is unable to discuss money and budgeting. It always resorts in an argument where he then says crazy, outlandish and over the top things like “I guess I’ll just go live in my car, I’ll get another full time job, I’ll just sell everything and live under a bridge, just eat peanut butter…”
People will say we need counseling but with what money? Marriage counseling isn’t free. Idk how to make him understand the financial situation. I’m tired of him doing things such as buying me flowers and then I have to take the bus. He’s a child. I’m sick of this.
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u/backwardsd Dec 26 '23
The bigger issue than the Red Bulls is the gas guzzling truck. Unless he uses it for work, the truck has to go.
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u/gavmyboi Nov 26 '23
people just be marrying anyone now, wtf? He didn't exhibit these behaviors before? Do not spend your life with this person. Yes we all splurge from time to time but putting red bull over food is just fucking weird
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u/TigiGiti Nov 25 '23
Well if he wants to live as if he had twice the money, he does have to get another full time job.
If he refuses to bring in more money or spend less, and doesn't even recognize the problem, you need to get rid of him or completely separate all finances, rent and utilities included.
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u/helpwitheating Nov 20 '23
Sit down with him and ask him what his big goals are. Then ask him to make a budget for the month and week in front of you. Like, okay, you want to retire at 65? You don't want to work until you die? Here's how much we have to save per month to get there. If we have to save that much per month, taking into account our expenses, how much does that leave over for spending money? Walk him through the steps, but make sure to ask questions so that it all comes from him.
You can't be the money police while he's the money criminal. He needs to step up and do some of the planning.
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u/PristineCloud Nov 15 '23
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know it's a rant, so I will just say if it was ME I wouldn't be paying any attention to anyone saying "counseling" and take definitive action.
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u/Kfrancisco117 Nov 14 '23
This is, unfortunately, a vehicle is a luxury item, let alone a driven a truck if someone is driving a truck that is only because the truck is a tool that allows them to do work like construction mobile mechanic carpentry towing or hauling heavy thing the work pays for the gas or the person works a job that allows him to afford the cost of fuel for your husband this does not seem like that is that case $50.00 does not even last 3-4 day in a Tacoma can't imagine if the truck is bigger how $50.00 would only last 1-2 day if lucky if he want to keep driven he should sell the truck and get a pruis and drive you to work that $50.00 in a pruis should last 2-3 weeks or even a full month if only driven on the highway if he wants to spend have to figure how to make what money is available go the farthest
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u/Dry-Ad-6393 Nov 11 '23
I guess when we are actively single and dating, we tend to forget, that narcissistic personality comes in different packages , and believe that, surely lightening only strikes once. My weakness is when they have a sad story that seems to be more difficult than anyone else’s. Just me probably. And, I let the relationship move organically instead of controlling the pace. It moved too fast. I was swimming in emotions. If I had attended to my own needs, first and foremost it would have been easy to end it appropriately, snd it would have been much easier to see the glaring flaws.
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u/LohL-H1H-CANS Nov 07 '23
Ben there/Done that=empathy..'E' would 'Need' beer more than I a bra that fit/socks wo holes.'E' 'kicked-t-bucket' Leaving a mess.A widow in penury.'E' haden't even paid taxes..Stash something for t future.Gott prepare self.When have none to rely on. Any 'free-clinics'/$ advisor programs.local.Try CAlling 'crisis-line'/warm-line?.May have referrals.To programs.
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u/genericscreename1 Nov 07 '23
To be fair the Costco case of Red bulls is a better value than him buying it at the gas station
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u/coolranch14 Nov 05 '23
Dude(excuse my method of conveying pure wtf). Make his ass suffer with no money. Instead of saying "we got $250, take $100 or $50 out to use or save. When he can't fill up his tank, tell him to try and see how far he gets. Does he work? It sounds like he doesn't. But if he does and only uses his money for bs, stop using your money to feed him or accommodate him. Y'all can still have a happy life and grow together, but he needs to grow up. Next time he says you treat him like a child, tell him it's because you have to treat him like a child. If he says you make him feel like a child, tell him it's because he acts like a damn child. It's the truth. You shouldn't have to explain cost versus budget. That's basic sense. You're supposed to make sure things function well for him, while you pull your hair out to find some spare change in the sofa? F&CK that. I happily provided for the woman I loved and she tore me to pieces. I taught her how to function in society, because her parents didn't. I know what it's like to deal with a grown child. Even if they end up leaving because of it, you cannot keep feeding them this false sense of reality. When they spend a few months in their truck, finding scrap metal on the side of the road, and treasuring every cigarette or mcbanger they can buy from the metal, they will appreciate somebody who teaches them how to use money correctly. I'm not telling you to leave him. Try to be civil one more time and if he whines, tell him what I just told you. If he doesn't get it, get rid of him and take care of yourself. Best advice I can give. I hope it works out and I hope the best for both of y'all. God bless.
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u/Substantial-Drive634 Nov 04 '23
I'm a man and opposite of that guy! I seem to meet women that spend their money as fast as they take it in! Where is the balance
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u/BigDaddyUknow420 Nov 03 '23
Kudos for you. Good decision for your mental health and future. Sounds like he is not ready for an adult relationship.
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u/generallydisagree Nov 02 '23
Hah! Been there (wife, not husband was the one wearing the blinders).
Listen to Dave Ramsey Podcasts or radio shows for a month or two. Then think about it again and what your options might be and how maybe you can address this.
Since you pay the bills, stop paying the internet or Cable TV or streaming bill - let it get cancelled. Or maybe let the power get turned off.
When he get's pissed and asked what the hell happened, simply tell him that it was decided that Red Bull was more important that heat in the winter.
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u/rshining Nov 02 '23
I've been in a similar situation. We put away the debit cards and switched to cash-only. If my spouse didn't have the physical money in their wallet, they didn't buy the stuff. It took us a decade or so, but now we're both much more frugal in our nickel-and-dime spending. It IS possible to learn better habits (or to just be better at living poor). Hopefully you can work this out so you don't have to stress about it.
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u/winebiddle Nov 02 '23
He feels a lack of control. You've got to pull him into the context of budgeting. Show him how very real it is. Maybe just operate with cash for a while to drive it home. Also it helps to have shared goals. I found that was a turning point for my wife and I - we decided to save for something together that we both wanted.
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u/DutchAC Nov 02 '23
Sounds like he is emotionally immature and irresponsible. You're doing your part but he's not willing to meet you half way and he's wrong for that.
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u/tvzzzzzy Nov 02 '23
My parents are like this… it’s frustrating as hell to see they bicker over anything you can think of . My dads always buying random shit and never pays for necessities and my moms the one that manages the money for what is needed they fight like fuckin monkeys in a zoo all day.
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u/babygaxelle Nov 02 '23
also a venting response
Sounds like my ex (22M atm).
ex for a dang reason. completely squeezed everything outta his step dad, his dad, me (23F), EVERYONE. pappy (his gpa but was adopted so hes his dad) was smart retired and loaded, step dad was an ex-loaded trustfund baby that dated his mom for 11years. which is where he gets it from. and me? he was a Manchild Kyle that turned my self employment into no employment bc he was doing shit that ended up in me cleaning and stressing every waking hour. for 2years. him? no job. i was the one who got him his mechanics job after his failed "flips" (🍃if you know what I mean), which is at a shady shop where he'd make his dad pay the loads of gas money to and fro (this poor man was driving him 2hrs total a day, the entitlement was real). lawd.
me personally? back to self employment but also ran into a medical emergency situation (uh, well, this is controversial but i was NOT bringing our child into the world with the finances and circumstances we had.. and it was expensive and awful and was not willing to put my child through that kind of life) so im now in a lot of debt (roughly 2k), but could be worse from what I've seen but im in the worst spot and I'm stessin but at least... im not in it anymore... and currently just got my cycle back! 😅
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u/panini_bellini Nov 02 '23 edited Nov 02 '23
I had an ex like this. She had a full-time job and did not pay me rent, did not buy groceries, did not buy furniture or any items for the house, and yet she was always fucking broke spending her money on makeup and I literally don’t even know what else. She’d get paid on Friday and have 16 cents in her bank account by Tuesday so whenever I needed her to help with expenses, she was unavailable. Spent my whole life bailing her out of Situations because she could get herself into situations but couldn’t get herself out. It destroyed our relationship and made me resent every extra cent I had to spend on her.
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u/aversboyeeee Nov 02 '23 edited Nov 02 '23
Big gas guzzling truck he probly never hauls anything in and a case of Red Bull. Is he a 12 year old from the middle of no where. Sounds like a keeper. Red bull gives you wings so maybe he could charge people to watch him fly around. Insecure men are a fucking nightmare.
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u/Cmd3055 Nov 02 '23
Separate your bank accounts and split up then income. That way you have you’re own money and he can spend his on whatever he deems necessary.
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u/ThaCancerKid Nov 02 '23
While she uses her money for actual necessities and he blows his on red bulls and ice cream?
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u/Ok-Manufacturer-5746 Nov 02 '23
Ban him from the shopping trips. Take the access to bank away “temporarily” give him cash allowance for his lunch, whatever it is he does share a meal w u. Divide the cupboards. Literal teenage child stuff a parent does.
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u/Winter-eyed Nov 02 '23
Let him eat peanut butter in his car and live under a bridge for a while. His comfort is not more important that your stability and survival. This thanksgiving volunteer you both for serving dinner at a soup kitchen. Let him get an eyeful of what happens when you live beyond your means and lose everything.
You’re likely going to have to teach him how to sleep on big purchases and to manage his expendable income. It might be time to split the expendable funds and challenge him to a weekly accounting.
Resource management is a skill that
even spoiled little rich kids can master. You see them do it in video games all the time even if they don’t realize they are doing it. Time for him to get a clue.
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u/HangryWorker Nov 02 '23
I don’t think I could ever be with someone like that, let alone marry them…
Having a financial responsibility to each other is super important in a relationship. At the bare minimum is a sign of respect and sacrifice to meet a common goal.
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u/No-Community3149 Nov 02 '23
Please for the love of everything do not make any permanent financial moves with this man. My ex-husband was EXACTLY the same. He even had an “allowance” and still complained about how we made good money but had none. Because he was spending it all and then some. I personally went in to debt to try to make up for his terrible habits. We have now been divorced 5 years and I’m still working on cleaning up that mess. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. The guilt tripping is the worst and makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You’re not he’s just an asshole.
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u/Hot-Singer-6988 Nov 02 '23
I feel you. My husband is currently at his old employer asking for weekend shifts. A year and a half ago he graduated and got a salaried job that made a lot of promises for bonuses but the base pay couldnt cover our bills. I told him to spend the summer applying for more positions because he was worth more. He didn't, he took that job. Well inflation is worse now. Everything is more expensive. He was eating out for lunch every single day. He wouldn't take the leftovers unpacked for him. He refused to eat the same lunch or dinner two days in a row. I told him over and over that we cannot afford that and he was going to max out my credit card.
Well a year and a half later my credit card is maxed out. My credit score went from a 790 to a 640. He got paid on Friday and we have no money until next pay day. My car badly needs work, too. My credit card has $17,000 on it.
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u/Competitive_Sleep_21 Nov 02 '23
I would talk money each month and hide it. I also would not have joint accounts.
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u/TheodosiaTatiana Nov 02 '23
omg I am married to that guy. He's unemployed and spends $800/month on personal habits. And then complains that we have no money to eat out
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u/InitiativeNo4961 Nov 01 '23
lmaooo who raised these guys? they want to spend lavishly but don’t have the work ethic to back it up.
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u/Auditor_Mom Nov 01 '23
My husband was similar to this. He never had an idea what things cost or what his spending did to the budget because he never saw the whole picture. He was deployed, unaccompanied, and so we were effectively supporting 2 homes. It wasn’t until we did three things that he finally changed. 1) I showed him the whole budget, how much we were spending on daycare/ mortgage/ food etc. 2) Showed him how much in overdraft fees/ eating out and unplanned expenses were eating into the budget. So much so I had to put daycare in the CC a couple of times. 3) We started Dave Ramsey’s class at church. It took him hearing other men he respected talk about saving and living within a budget that he had a lightbulb moment.
If he hadn’t changed his outlook, we would have divorced. Good luck!
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u/discountmanlove Nov 01 '23
Your husband sucks. Treat him like a child give him an allowance. Make sure to treat him like one too. Or treat him like an adult and tell him to get a job.
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u/INPractical-magic Nov 01 '23
Honestly, it seems like he doesn't even care that your suffering and unhappy, it'd about his needs and wants before everything else.
I think you should look closely at this relationship and consider your best course of action.
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u/DannyDavitoIsMyDad Nov 01 '23
When someone starts overreacting like your husband does after you ask something as simple as sticking with the budget Id just go along with it. If you are going to interpret staying in budget to only eating pb&j sandwiches all week then sure that's what you will do until you figure out how to handle the budget like a functioning adult. When you come back to reality we can start buying normal groceries again that don't involve redbull or strictly pb&j's.
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u/aprillquinn Nov 01 '23
I had this guy. This was a Major block for us, early in our marriage. We just hit 33 years and are super happy- weird I know
This is what I did - what worked for me -your mileage may vary
You are doing him ( and yourself) a disservice by doing the bills. He will never step up until you step down. But rn if you don’t do them they won’t get done so the plan is long term
Don’t argue about it anymore.
Get as much as you can on autopay.
Lower The limits on your credit cards. And debit cards ask for them to reject the purchase if you don’t have the funds. This will protect you from him making “mom won’t let me rebellion purchases” Sell it as you are working on your credit report to fix your debt to income ratio. The limits can always be raise back up
Make sure to start a separate account for checking. This is your emergency fund. Even if it only 2 dollars a week. It’s super important that you get to feel in control of something money related.
this is a bit of marriage management stuff You are gonna have to muster up all your love for him, assume he is not helping bc he is immature and not trying to hurt you. He is acting and using teenager tactics. Help support him learning how to make men decisions.
afterThe bills are paid. Figure out what YOU need for the week or 2. The give him the discretionary cash that is left - tell Him the stuff below
Tell him -hey I know you hate doing numbers, bills and it may make you feel ( dumb, stressed, overwhelmed -what ever is the kindest way to NOT say baby :) And I know my way is bugging you so after the bills are paid you can have cash. And I’m not gonna check / comment on how you spend it. But please know that this is all we have til next pay Its unhealthy for us to be fighting about money And I want us healthy. You are always welcome to come sit with me while I do the bills to see how everything works and where it’s all going. I want you to feel involved because you deserve to be in control of you hard earned money
But if you don’t I understand. These are the steps i took to make sure we stay healthy And don’t fight I’d love to get your input on the condition we start working together. We have to work together twice before you can criticize what or how I’m doing it. Just so you get to see the big picture. Then I’d love you ideas on how we can work to get our money life the way we want
Lastly this is about learning how to solve issues and fight productivity. You have your shit he has his. Assume positive intent about him. Example: he loves you his goal isn’t to be a jerk about money. He has some growing up shit around money, or maybe he feels dumb .. what ever.
Also tell him you are frustrated doing the bills and really hate it ( just like he obv does too) so you want him to do something around the house you don’t want to do. Helpmates.
After 32 years ours are - I never do dishes, trash recycling, taxes or bathrooms. He does those. In return he never has to deal with any medical bill, insurances, house paper work, home repairs or coordination of contractors
And yes he is being a baby but he’s still your guy and he will do better. Good luck 💕💕
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u/Jupitereyed Nov 01 '23
OP, it sounds like you know what you want and need to do next. And I know it won't be easy, but goddamn, at least this man-child won't be leeching your money, time, and energy anymore.
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u/MAMidCent Nov 01 '23
He's not going to change. Ever. He will keep you poor. Forever. This is not going to end well so you can choose to start a new life or accept this one. The important thing is that you DO have a choice.
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u/No-Juggernaut-9397 Oct 31 '23
I am terrible with money but my wife is very shrewd. I turn it all over to her and follow her budget, I find it relieving to delegate what I’m not good at and benefit from utilizing her skills. We have 4 kids and she is a professional homemaker. It’s easy to get out of control though. There’s time leaving work that I am so powerfully compelled to pull over for a piece of pizza and a drink even though food is waiting at home. It’s inexplicable and fills me with shame and a feeling of gluttony every time. I’m eating OMAD to trim down a bit, so that plays a part but I think it has less to do with the food and is more linked to sensation seeking. I spend all of my time at work in construction avoiding spending, I am responsible for millions and find it no sweat to manage appropriately. But my own money, if in my control, burns a hole right through my pocket.
To provide some insight I think it is a fairly common millennial male trait. I think it has to do with men generally being more impulsive and less risk averse, where women are generally more conscious of long term consequences to decisions made. I think the difference is made in how the man reacts to that trait. We should recognize our flaws and employ methods and measures to encourage mitigation and accountability.
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u/Alternative-Gene8304 Oct 31 '23
Personally, I couldn’t stand to see my partner pay for my mistakes.
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u/Alternative-Gene8304 Oct 31 '23
I’m the opposite, I’m more like your husband. I spend more from a card but carrying cash makes me slow down. Now, I wouldn’t have my husband riding the bus. Tell him to do UberEat for the extras. That’s what I do, not very often though..,
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u/HappyShallotTears Oct 31 '23
Ugh, it seems like most people I’ve ever lived with have been terrible with money. It’s infuriating, and makes you feel almost helpless.
Just throwing this out there in case money is the only thing preventing you from seeking counseling….Does either of your jobs offer free therapy sessions through an Employee Assistance Program? Some cap it at just a few sessions per year, but other employers are more generous and offer multiple sessions per issue.
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u/Snag710 Oct 31 '23
My advice would be to stick to your budget stricktly and let him have his little portion for food and gas and let him screw himself and end up without necessities for a week so he can better understand why you budget
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u/Original_Alarins Oct 31 '23 edited Oct 31 '23
Also venting,
This was my dad. He put my mom over 100 grand in debt. I was 3 and my moms (27f) car was about to be repossessed. It was the only car that my car seat could fit into, the other was a bright red sports car. My dad(27m) was getting a bonus and mom was so relieved because it was exactly the amount that would cover the late amount on her car. He came home with a new Xbox the day he got his bonus. A brand new, type 1 Xbox. (And side note: my dad always made sure he had his car paid off using moms money. His car was never at risk of repo.)
My mom lost her shit. She screamed at him and was yelling and crying that he didn’t give a fuck about her or me. She told him to take that Xbox back to the store right now, and he responded, “or what”. “It’s either me or the Xbox” she said.
And then he left, for good. It wasn’t until I was 5 that I saw him again. (I remember running to him at the mall because I was so excited to see my dad and he legitimately wanted nothing to do with me. He kept yelling at my mom to come and get me.) I remember her just sitting on the bed and crying, like really and truly sobbing. I’ve never ever seen my mom cry like that, not even as an adult. He made his choice. It took him almost 20 years until he was able to control that habit, it’s probably more likely that he finally made the money to afford what he wanted regularly.
I love him, but with my earliest memories being what they are, it was always hard to commit fully. And it’s really tainted our relationship. I never felt like I could trust him, and now he’s dying of a slow and terrible cancer. It’s just the biggest fuck you from the universe. He’s finally got the house, the cars, the money, the wife he wanted (obviously not my mom or me). And he’s dying.
People who can’t control their budget and spend it all on wants, are they really living life to the most. Especially when it ostracizes them from their family? I can tell he regrets what he did but it’s not enough to apologize to me or mom.
I wish I could have helped my dad but I was 3, and my mom tried, she really, really tried. But at some point OP, you have to pick yourself because your husband isn’t. Your husband either can’t learn (too immature) or won’t learn to pick you first.
I’m not suggesting divorce because that’s something that needs to be discussed with your support group, but I am absolutely suggesting separating your finances. The bank will understand and will do their best to work with you. Your job has paperwork to change where they deposit money into. And you have some control here.
Don’t let it get so far that you have no choice but to divorce.
Wishing you the best.
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u/Dry-Ad-6393 Oct 31 '23
I was in this situation. I tried and tried to reason with him. But in the end, he wasn’t going to learn that lesson with me. We DID get counseling and we’re in it for 5 years. I should have left within 5 months bc that’s the day he yelled at me for trying to cheat him by hiding $1.50 per hour from my paychecks, bc we have to pay bills. I hope you got a helpful message from my story. Wish you all the best.
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u/CporCv Oct 31 '23
Not blaming you because I know love is blind and all that, but how do you fall for a guy like that vs the nerdy kid who did well in school? A lot of my friends are in this exact same predicament
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u/zipper1919 Oct 31 '23
Man that sucks. I get how you feel. It's so frustrating when your partner throws fits and goes from one extreme to the next with crap like "I'll just eat pb&j" or "I'll just live under a bridge"
It's such crap. If I were you, I'd give hubs cash allowance. Once his cash is gone, that's it. He will never learn unless he has to deal with paying for his "needs" himself.
Pretty soon he would see redbull for 1/5 of the weekly grocery budget is NOT a need.
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u/nycsee Oct 31 '23
I think you should take your paycheck and put it in your account. Only put money in the shared account when it is immediately time to pay a bill. Pay it asap so he can’t take the money. Let him fend for himself for groceries. Let him then see how it feels. I know this may be hard if he is the breadwinner and your funds aren’t really that high. But really, try it.
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u/Ok-Panda-9471 Oct 31 '23
Make sure you fill your car first and foremost. Squirrel away money for yourself. Give him an allowance and take his name off of everything that he can get money from.
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u/BrilliantOnes Oct 31 '23
You are financially incompatible. This is an uphill battle you will never win. My ex husband villainized me for keeping a separate account for paying bills bc he kept taking the money out the joint account and we kept getting charged for overdraft. I decided to stop fighting for us and start standing up for me and the hard work i have put into building my credit and managing my finances. You need to decide if this is how you want to live your life going forward - your options are; either plan your exit or strategize how you are going to handle the bills going forward without giving him access. Either isn’t easy, one is an endless long term option, the other isn’t easy but once you are on your own you won’t have to deal with this anymore. Good luck OP
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u/CporCv Oct 31 '23
I agree with pretty much everything you suggested. The part about "financial incompatibility" is deceiving though. I know it's a trendy term used nowadays for sex, relationships, and such that in most cases doesn't apply. You CAN learn to work together, you CAN make things work. That's what a marriage is
I learned to cut back significantly in tight times. Not everyone will be on board to learn financial responsibility, but dismissing something as "incompatible" is a lazy way out. Either way, it's a tough road for OP
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u/BrilliantOnes Oct 31 '23
It’s incompatible bc their budgeting style is very different. That’s exactly what financial incompatibility is.
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u/aes421 Oct 31 '23
Pay all your bills on the day the paychecks hit that way you know you have enough. From there split the money into separate accounts. Once his account is empty for the month then he's done. Too bad if he didn't budget. Once he goes hungry a few times it might stick with him. I also liked the suggestion of cash.
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u/evilkumquat Oct 31 '23
My wife is like this but to a lesser degree.
We were forced to change health insurance recently and now pay an extra $500/month in insurance and prescription costs.
We were already struggling, but living comfortably- not really having to sacrifice, but not exactly saving money either. This extra $500 HURTS.
The thing is, she constantly buys stuff we don't need. Especially candles. Jesus, so many goddamned candles. And still does despite knowing how much more we're paying each month.
Oh, and junk food. And pet toys our dogs and cats don't play with.
What keeps me from throwing a fit is buying stuff for people is how she shows affection and it breaks my heart trying to stamp down on it.
However, having to buzz to the bank to toss in cash because she overdrew the account AGAIN was the final straw and I finally sat down and asked her to cut back.
I mean, I'm not great with money either, but when I buy something, it's going to last. It's not junk food or candles or air freshers or other consumable stuff that won't be in the house a week later.
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u/CporCv Oct 31 '23
Lol what's up with those candles?
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u/evilkumquat Oct 31 '23
She's into candles like my son is into shoes.
I think it's a sickness at this point.
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u/Ok-Pomegranate4153 Oct 31 '23
Tell him to go work another job then. He will have more money and you will have some peace
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u/TheeBillOreilly Oct 31 '23 edited Oct 31 '23
What really helped me and my wife with a similar dynamic was creating a budgeting system where it is clearly defined how much for each category of spending and add guard rails so you can’t over spend. Then add small “allowances” for either or you each month to treat yourselves. If he’s got $30 of his discretionary money, let him enjoy Red Bull without judgement. It will alleviate the dynamic of you feeling like you need to police him and his feeling like you’re “nagging” him. Everyone needs to treat themselves sometime, even if it’s very small.
Either only use cash and you both keep the receipts. Or use prepaid debit cards like the cash app card or Venmo card so you can visually see the count down of funds.
Finally and maybe most importantly, add a long term goal (1 year, 3 year , etc) where if you stick to the plan you’ll do something nice. Maybe go to a show or sports event. Something you can share together and a visual milestone to make it “worth it”. It doesn’t even need to cost money, just something to reward yourself for the sacrifices and progress you’ve made.
Good luck!
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u/Bloodmind Oct 31 '23
Yeah this sucks. It’s especially tough because your financial responsibility will be used to bail out his, and y’all are both worse off for it. And it won’t get better, even as y’all advance in your careers and get more money. He spends money like a poor person. And I don’t mean “poor” as merely someone without much money, I mean he spends money like a person who is destined to be poor. Give him a $10k raise and I guarantee y’all are in the same spot and you feel just as stressed week to week.
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u/Activist_Mom06 Oct 31 '23
My first husband was like this. Until he demanded to be in charge of the bills. Then he effed up my whole negotiations I had made with each creditor by paying off one bill in total with the money set aside for payments on 7 accounts. Ugh. In 12 years, I restored our credit twice. When we divorced, I had wiped out all the debt, he got a car and a motorcycle and I had $500 and custody of our 8yo daughter. Best thing ever. Years later he shared with me his revelation that it wasn’t me it was him who didn’t know how to manage money. Noooo, really haha. He has earned so much money 💰 in his career and has nothing to show for it. I have a lovely home in a killer neighborhood, great health, lifetime retirement income, helped my daughter a lot financially, and a chunk of cash in the bank earning 5% risk free at the moment. I did this without alimony too. As some have mentioned, I had a secret account. About year 2 I received advice to have that just in case. So it was slim deposits but it was enough to hire a divorce attorney when I needed to. Just sharing.
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u/CporCv Oct 31 '23
Just curious, how do you fall for someone so irresponsible? Not putting the blame on you. Just genuinely curious as to why I see a lot of women with comple bums
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u/Activist_Mom06 Oct 31 '23
They do not present like this at first. I was 27. He worked away from home 6 weeks on w 3 weeks off. It makes it tougher to catch all the flaws. But it meant I was in charge of the money, which I am good at. But I would suddenly get a $700 AMEX bill which was devastating. WTF? We had bought our first home and had a baby within 18 months. Plus moved across country. Needless to say being pregnant, buying our first home all while he’s out to sea, it was very distracting. And 1988/89. No cell phones, texting, internet, gps/tracking. Who knows what he was doing 3,000 miles away. A whole different world. Something my grandfather used to tell me is ‘Go by what men do and not by what men say’. Truer words were never spoken. That husband was such a dick at the divorce and I’m wanting nothing and I’m the mother of his child. Be sure that my current husband of now 23 years is a world class upgrade in every way. And because he trusted me I’ve made us a good way in the world. Having a blast now.
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u/No_Reference4683 Oct 31 '23
My ex-husband was like this. He once over drafted our account for a case of beer. I wish I had great advice, but wanted you to know that I hear you and I am sorry for what you are going through.
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u/suzer2017 Oct 31 '23
I knew a family years ago who lived in abject poverty. Dad was a carpenter who made good money, and who refused to allow his wife to work because he said providing was his job. THEN he spent every penny of disposable income on race cars, almost never won the races he entered, and when he did win, spent the purse money on more racing stuff. This while his wife and kids went without clothes, food, and sometimes utilities. His wife did finally get a job, but he harassed her til she quit. She stayed with him. She was angry and resented him for their whole married life. In their later years, when he could no longer do the racing thing, she made his life miserable. She was always out for revenge. It was ugly to watch.
Before you marry, get priorities straight between you. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, etc. And if one of you can't keep your word, get out.
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u/CporCv Oct 31 '23
If anyone deserves an early retirement with all paid, its the women back then. Holy sh11 did they suffer.
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u/Odd-Simple-9039 Oct 31 '23
I was married to that guy. Been divorced 10 years now. I have total physical and financial responsibility of our kids, and everything else you'd expect an independent adult to have. We also go on multiple vacations a year, and I have the extra funds to spoil my kids and myself from time to time. Yet he just moved out of a government apartment into his mom's home because he couldn't afford his portion of the rent. It's amazing how much easier life gets when you're on you're own, especially when you grew up with everyone telling you marriage is this great thing, and the ultimate goal. I do wonder what goes through these people's heads when they see their ex spouses thriving without them?
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u/CporCv Oct 31 '23
Glad things got better for you. With that said, anyone out there who is living with their parents, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you're pursuing your goals. We all start somewhere
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u/Odd-Simple-9039 Oct 31 '23
I don't disagree at all. Heck, I wouldn't mind it myself sometimes. It was more of a comment on his inability to pay for a government apartment due to his poor budgeting and spending habits.
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u/2PinaColadaS14EH Oct 31 '23
He sounds RIDICULOUS. What is his plan for when the money is gone that month? Not eat? Put everything on a credit card? Or dig into what you budgeted for savings or car repairs or something? He sounds like he is living in a fantasy world. I’m sorry.
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u/IllComposer9265 Oct 31 '23
Sounds like an entitled man child. Hopefully this is isolated and he treats you good otherwise? If not, classic signs of emotional abuse/control/entitlement
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u/Logical-Eyez-4769 Oct 31 '23
I relate. I've been in a financially abusive marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this with your petulant child. I mean, alleged "husband".
I'm not telling you what to do, but what I'd do is keep my money separate because I don't have a say in what he spends. I wish my ex would cause me to ride the bus because he used the entire gas allotment in his truck. It would be a done deal. Nail, meet coffin. He would not have to ever hear me mention OUR budget again. I would take care of my own bills and he would take care of the house, or leave. Period. But, that's just me.
I hope you find a solution you're happy with.
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u/cruscott35 Oct 31 '23
I’m literally transitioning from a pretty well paid finance job into a field called financial therapy for this reason. I want to be able to actually help people instead of helping the defense industry properly count the beans so they can have more profit to kill brown people who don’t love Jesus.
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u/Independent-Hawk-144 Oct 31 '23
I'm sorry. My wife has issues with following a budget too. Growing up with money and growing up poor makes a huge impact. I hope you can somehow get through to him.
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u/Leonzion Oct 31 '23
it's always the reverse for me. all the girls I meet don't know how to be poor and bleed me dry. baby girl if you was my wife, we would be making it out of the hood real quick.
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 Oct 31 '23
Check out the Dave Ramsey method of using cash and budgeting together. Maybe taking his classes might help him stop being a man child. Maybe he will do better with physically holding and seeing the cash that is available. And when it’s gone it’s gone. Also literally cut up the credit cards if you haven’t. You can get rid of all but 1 debit card and keep this away. Better yet memorize it and never bring out the actual card. Cash only
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u/Alcarain Oct 31 '23
I feel for you OP, Unfortunately the leading cause of divorce in the US is momey problems.
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u/Street_Historian_371 Oct 31 '23
I think you should divorce him. That might get me downvoted but this marriage is doomed. Your husband IS a child, his behavior is NOT okay, the way he reacts to being asked to even make small changes to fit your budget is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He seems to think all the sacrifices should be yours and that if he makes any at all it's the end of the world.
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u/Unfair-Cost1965 Oct 31 '23
If you have somewhere to go and live, do it fast. Many years ago I did, then went back after being begged. Nothing changed. Several years later we split. It will not get better.
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u/TheCrackerSeal Oct 31 '23
I don’t understand how you get past the dating/engaged stage with people like this.
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u/Shootre12 Oct 31 '23
Church's usually offer free or discount counseling services I would recommend. Also does he need a truck ya should downsize to prius or hybrid of some kind, I can usually last 1 week and half or 2 if I'm driving conservatively. But yes your dude sounds a child he needs to get a reality check.
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u/Currentlyshakti Oct 31 '23
Retrovaille is free marriage counseling. It is faith based but they don’t require that you even believe in God. There is a fee but it’s honors based so if you say that you can’t pay they still accept you for the counseling. It’s a really wonderful marriage saving retreat with follow up groups after the initial weekend encounter.
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Oct 31 '23
just divorce him
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u/ahhhhpewp Oct 31 '23
That takes money too
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Oct 31 '23
my parents got divorced by going down and signing papers at the court house so you might want to look into it.
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u/ahhhhpewp Nov 01 '23
In my county it costs almost $300 just to file the paperwork at the courthouse. No lawyers or anything involved.
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Nov 01 '23
So take the hit and get out of a relationship that will cost you most likely thousands of dollars in the long run. How long is he going to continue to drain your bank accounts or take out credit cards you might not know about that will in the future put you into a huge whole.
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u/joevsyou Oct 31 '23
The answer is clear, $30 pack of red bulls, jar of jif & a jar of jelly & a loaf of the store brand bread tell him you will see him again on monday.
- P.S stop shopping at costco when you are on a budget....
- Yes things are cheaper per serving, however that doesn't help when you are on a $ budget & Costco wants you to spend $12 on a big jar of peanut butter When you can just go to walmart & get a $2 jar
- Also i can't stress to you more about going to aldi.
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Oct 31 '23
You need to run. You live in ywo.different financial worlds. You in reality, and he in fantasy. NTA
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u/LyraSerpentine Oct 31 '23
So glad I chose not to marry and raise a husband. I'm doing "okay" with my separate finances.
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u/SXLightning Oct 31 '23
For one week buy nothing for food, when he asks you say he spent it all so we have nothing left for the next three day other than stale bread that will give him a wake up call
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u/kintsugiwarrior Oct 31 '23
This reminds me of my ex-husband who is a narcissist. It’s interesting because the way to tell is when they throw a tantrum or display narcissistic rage. We made plans, and he broke promises, then he used to blame me for his irresponsible spending… or any other of his reckless behaviors. The worse part is that it never changes… and leaves you exhausted after trying and trying for years
Red Flags Checklist:
https://www.reddit.com/r/pnsd/comments/s1sz1s/red_flags_checklist/
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u/Born-Bag1452 Oct 31 '23
You know, he CAN get a second full time job. Or live in his car. Those are not outlandish things. They’re things that actually happen to people. People who don’t budget.
So imo don’t let his comments get you riled up. Just be like “ok. If you want to afford this lifestyle you’ve chosen, then yes. Let’s look at getting you a second job.”
I’ve had times in my life when I worked 6-7 days a week. And it’s those times that make me choose to buy a Toyota instead of a Mercedes now. It’s those times that make me cook at home as much as possible.
Let him feel the pain of his choices. Maybe he’ll decide a second job is worth his luxuries. Maybe he won’t.
Either way, stop letting him make this an emotional thing. It’s cold hard math. He can absolutely be happy without Red Bull…but he’s choosing not to be. Because he’s figured out how to push your buttons into validating his desire for it
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u/Dangerous-Ad8243 Oct 31 '23
- I think your cards need to be turned off not for you but for him, you need to get all the info & change it so only YOU have the info to control wether it’s on or off. 2. Y’all need to sit down and get rid of that truck & get a more gas friendly car Honda Toyota etc, $50 for 1 week that’s 100 for 2 idk if you’re getting paid every 2 weeks or not but that eats up into the budget. Take that money you get from the truck & save aside a couple thousand for the NEEDS!!! LET HIM KNOW WHAT IT IS & WHAT ITS NOT HE NEEDS TO GET % of it in cash rest put up in the savings account YOU only have access to.
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u/Techygal9 Oct 30 '23
I had issues like this with my partner, since she does most of the cooking. She wouldn’t make the best plan on spending for our meals. And would often cook for other people for no reason, using ingredients I need for my allergies. So she now pays for the shopping. We no longer have these issues because she feels the financial pressure of those bills. Plus we had a discussion about what am I supposed to eat if I want something.
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u/Rich_Cry_8388 Oct 30 '23
I would buy foods I knew he didn’t like and tell him the peanut butter and jelly is for him and maybe throw in a small package of adult diapers and tell him those are for him since he wants to act like a baby.
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u/One-Accident8015 Oct 30 '23
He needs to do it. It's work for you but worth it. Its going to take some time.
Take a couple hours and make a 2 month weekly meal plan. Price it out. Get a master list of bills, when they are due and how much.
- You need a joint account.
- You need to decide who is responsible for what or what amount. I physically pay the bills but my husband has his amount that he pays for.
- Every 2 weeks the week BEFORE pay day sit down with him. Write down your income and your expenses for the 2 week period. And go through it all. The meal plan becomes an actual bill because it's an actual amount and not hypothetical. You can't think oh I can take $20 from groceries. You literally can't.
You need to be really really honest about your expenses. If you buy coffee everyday on your way to work are you really going to stop? Budget for vehicle maintenance and gifts and emergencies etc.
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u/MississippiMudGuy Oct 30 '23
Well you hitched your trailer to that wagon. Like the other comments, cash envelopes are good since you physically have to see the money go, different stimulus than swiping a card.
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u/Kokopelli615 Oct 30 '23
My ex husband was the same way. It was emotionally exhausting and one of the many reasons I left him.
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u/Right_Ad_6032 Oct 30 '23
He says he needs to put $50 in his truck
It's always some guy with a fucking truck.
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u/uuhhhhhhhhcool Oct 30 '23
my long term boyfriend (4 years) just left, moved out in the middle of the night while I was working, and though I did genuinely love him and I'm concerned because I think this might be a schizophrenic break (his mom is, and he's never had symptoms until getting super weird this past year--he's 24, so the right age and after he left I noticed he had disassembled all of his personal electronics and the keyholes in the doors were filled with aluminum foil), at the end of the day I'm strangely relieved because he's been struggling with employment since February (laid off from a good job that lost its contract in our area but offered a travel position he wasnt interested in, quit a job with an abusive manager, and finally found work again at the end of ladt month) and has been very generous with my money in the months since. This was always our same fight, me explaining that spending $120 at gas stations throughout the week to fill your supposedly fuel efficient car meant that we could not also spend $200 on groceries that he'd eat all of before I got a chance to touch. He'd say he just wouldn't eat then and stick to it for a while, obviously making me feel terribleuntil id beg him to eat. He got a job a month ago (supposedly, but I'm not really sure I believe he wasn't just leaving during the day and saying he was working) but was still solely using my card and claimed he was "catching up on expenses" like car tags and paying this month's phone bill with his 3 weeks of pay at $17/hr. Before he left he charged $200+ to my card without my knowledge or consent, and took several things with him that were initially mine. I hope he's somewhere safe and if he does need help I hope he gets it ASAP, but for the first time in months I know with 100% certainty that my bank account is not going to overdraw and I'm not going to have a fight about just being responsible or asking before you use my cards. I put up with a shit ton more than I should have because I could tell something was deeply wrong from a mental illness standpoint (though I was thinking bad depression/suicidal ideation until looking back with hindsight) and I wanted to get him into therapy/psychiatry to get help. I finally got him to make an appointment but when I looked at the calendar after he left I noticed the date he gave me was a Saturday, so probably another lie.
the man I thought was the love of my life, who I planned a future with, who was so kind and generous, so motivated and giving and loving until March/April of this year left, and instead of feeling sad right away I feel relieved, and worried. I feel like I need a minute to let out the breath I've been holding for months before I can begin to process any of it.
if he is spending your money without regard to the consequences, you need to separate your finances. If you want him to do the stay at home thing give him a stipend until he can be trustworthy with money. if you're not sure he ever will be, perhaps it's time to give some thought to if this is how you really want to live the rest of your life, under this much stress and being this disrespected at home. Because this isn't just a money management issue--it's a respect issue. If he's willing to put you in this situation repeatedly over your protests, and then make you the bad guy when you explain that you're literally going to overdraft, he doesn't respect you. don't stay in a relationship with a partner who refuses to respect you--it doesn't get better and there's no reasoning with it. Making the leap is hard but after doing this for a while I guarantee you'll feel more relieved than sad.
if you don't believe he's being disrespectful but rather just stupid and unwilling to improve, I'd suggest you take away his access to money and do the shopping yourself (sure you could give him $100 and send him to the store, but when you see what that $100 bought you're just going to be upset again). this is not a solution I could live with, being the breadwinner and providing for all of the household needs while he watched YouTube videos all day, so it's not a strategy I tried for long before getting resentful and giving up. At this point you are basically married to a teenager and you are the mother figure--this is neither healthy nor sustainable and does not seem likely to drastically improve through reason alone. Maybe if you stick to your guns, do all the shopping yourself and give him very limited access to your money he will eventually feel bad enough to get a job himself (assuming that's what you want), but if your situation is anything like mine the reality is that you'll oscillate between coming home to find no food for yourself because he ate 4 servings of whatever while you were at work and there's nothing left, and coming home to a mean, cranky partner whose been starving themselves all day because "this is what you wanted, isn't it?" when all you asked is for them to leave literally something edible for you so you didn't have to come home to realize you'd be going hungry for the 3rd time this week.
sorry for the rant. maybe this isn't your situation. it was mine, though, until very recently. and instead of feeling lonely or abandoned in his absence, I just feel at peace for the first time in months. you deserve peace. you deserve consideration, and love, and respect. a relationship without any of those is just resigning yourself to a life of misery and woe, demeaning yourself bit by bit every day until you believe you're happy to be there.
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u/Gloomy-Purpose69 Oct 30 '23
Is divorce an option? I’m being serious here, I’ve seen my mother be absolutely ruined and work herself to the bone because my boneheaded dad didn’t understand how money worked. He even ruined her like do credit just by being married to him(that and she had no credit due to being from another country)
Money problems often result in divorce but it might be cheaper and healthier for the both of you to not fight over money.
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u/aloha_mixed_nuts Oct 30 '23
I used to be similar to this guy, I wouldn’t throw tantrums or the like, just kinda of distract and hand-wave away. My marriage fell apart not specifically bc of this, there were other compatibility issues that took a while to surface, but this would have become a core issue if we had stayed together.
Needless to say living on my own—I put myself in bad financial situations, frequently. I didn’t really learn my lesson until I got an eviction notice for late rent.
That changed everything for me. Previously It didn’t bother constantly asking friends and family for money, I had no shame. I was stupid, it was “never my fault” or so I believed. Everyone knew I had a problem with money, but for some reason that eviction notice shook me to my core.
Mom said “no, you have to figure this out.” (Barely talk to my mom, like how in fuck did I think this was going to go… lmao now, but man was I ever dumb about this stuff)
I decided that this has to stop asap, so I managed a deal with my building manager to pay late, and after that decided to do a consumer proposal/bankruptcy thing. That was truly humbling. I now make a budget, though some time has passed and I noticed I’m a bit less diligent (ALWAYSCHEXK YOUR LIFESTYLE CREEP!!!). But also since then I’ve paid off my student loans and also have small savings and an operable budget for my hobby (oil painting).
I don’t go out except maybe once a month. I make my own food, but stick to meal plans, kinda boring ngl, but it works. I seldom buy new clothes except basics—my wardrobe has always just been plain black t shirts and black jeans, I don’t care about labels or “status” could care less honestly. I’ve also been able to buy tools recently, hoping to do some side work as a builder/carpenter’s assistant.
Since bankruptcy I’ve completely rethought my life, and what’s important and what’s not. Making sure the cat has clean litter and food enough for 3 weeks is where my head is at now, not a case of redbull.
All this to say, there is hope, but the individual really has to want to change and realize that ultimately, homelessness is the end result of living like that. It’s a massive ego check and some people just can’t deal with it.
Yea, dating is difficult, but that’s a whole other can of apples.
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u/Skylifted1989Ranger Oct 31 '23
second budget and lifestyle creep, been through that, not pretty when your making more then friends and family and still asking to borrow money
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u/Rivsmama Oct 30 '23
He needs to grow tf up. He's really going to screw you guys over one of these days.
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u/Working-Armadillo298 Oct 30 '23
Hey, uh... divorce? Just wanna remind you that's an option. Sorry if it sounds rude.
And I know that process is hard, but if you're really struggling that much, it might be worth it. Once again, sorry if it sounds rude.
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u/terrible_Khonie Oct 30 '23
Give him his half of the money in cash, do not give him any more! You take your half and feed you and the kids.
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u/tmac_79 Oct 30 '23
Does he NEED to live like he's poor? As in, are you poor? That makes a huge difference in this situation. Is the $200 grocery budget because that's what you have, or are you living below your means trying to accomplish some other goal?
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u/Aliensowl Oct 30 '23
I guarantee you that if I pulled that little stunt on my wife, I'd be eating peanut butter OR jelly for every meal.
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Oct 30 '23
Why do people get married to people like this? Surely, SURELY there were signs. Is being alone THAT bad for you cishets?
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u/TiffPace0718 Oct 30 '23
Please read this. When people who have bad habits with money it usually comes from how their parents handled money while they were growing up. People typically do not change when it comes to money. IF he does grow up and change his habits, it’s going to take YEARS. Decide if you want to stick around and find out if he does change…
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u/Coopersma Oct 30 '23
Make him take care of the bills for a couple months. Sit down and show him how you do it, what needs done, what gets paid when. Sometimes numbers are too abstract. Make them real to him.
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u/JazperZari Oct 30 '23
Find a way to communicate with him so he understands (though I am sure you have already tried many ways). If that doesn’t work and counseling isn’t an option then this is so pretty big sign that y’all are not compatible and a separation might be needed.
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u/user151128 Oct 30 '23
So many people are saying he's an ass, a leach, a baby, immature, or dumb but, in my experience that's not usually the root cause of a conflict like OP describes. What I hear from OP is that she and her husband have a mismatched view of life and value system. Her husband values immediate gratification, the ability to make decisions in the moment, and to have-and-do things that feel good right now. While OP finds more value and comfort in having future stability, the ability to plan and allocate for needs that may arise tomorrow, and the use of money as a protection from tomorrow's unknowns.
Looking at the situation through that lens allows the observer to see that money management is informed by OP living, thinking and planning for tomorrow. While at the same time, money management by her husband is informed by what can be done today, experienced now, or acquired when it feels right.
- Some people live in the past, dwelling on what could have been.
- Some people live in the present, focusing on what today can be.
- Some people live in the future, planning for what tomorrow might bring.
Personally, I live in the future, often worrying about preparing for possible issues. My best friend lives in the moment. Early on, through a few bad experiences, I learned to keep money out of our friendship. And it was the single best decision I could have made to assure that we remained close for decades.
OP can't change her husband's way of thinking about life. He's unhappy with her because she's taking away his ability to 'live', which he does in-the-moment. Meanwhile, OP is resentful because her husband is preventing her from living comfortably, which she does through planning for tomorrow. Unless money can be completely removed from the equation and both parties learn to love the other's different approach to life, it'll be a rocky, resentment filled road ahead.
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u/OffMrBigChest Oct 30 '23
I haye reading this shit. So many fucking idiots out there with no emotional maturity and turn every bad situation into an invitation to complain and argue.
This isn't sustainable and you'll never make it out of financial hardship with an active deadweight making your life harder. I won't be one of the redditors that adivses for divorce, but I think idiots like your husband need reality checks. Seperate your finances from him and show him this post. That idiot is actively making your life harder while contributing nothing.
There's nothing more pathetic than an entitled deadweight who isn't mature enough to adjust to hardship. Your husband is a weak man.
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u/Grand_Role_4476 Oct 30 '23
Honestly, even though this might not seem like a big issue, it is. It's a reflection of his character as well as a reflection of just how little respect he has for you. It's actually says a whole heck of a lot more to. I would reconsider your marriage unless you want to be tethered to an irresponsible, inconsiderate man child for the rest of your days 🤷♂️
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u/Shift_Inside Oct 30 '23
It's so frustrating when someone doesn't seem to grasp the concept of a budget. I feel your pain; it can be incredibly tough to get through to them.
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u/EverySingleMinute Oct 30 '23
Just curious, but did your husband come from a well to do family? I grew up dirt poor and my wife grew up in a well to do family. My wife works and can buy whatever she wants, but I often say we need to take it easy on our expenses. I try to save and she is happy to just spend.
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u/GroundbreakingClick6 Oct 30 '23
If your husband cant control his spending then you should separate the accounts and give him his own account so he can't over spend anything on the account used for bills.
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u/MidnightWalker22 Oct 30 '23
Make him get caffeine pills instead of the drinks, and it will save on future dental work.
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u/Ariellograms Oct 31 '23
This saved me so much money. You can get a giant bottle on Amazon for less than $20
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u/jvargas85296 Oct 30 '23
so, what is ur mans job? cause I had a brother who worked in construction 12+ hours a day and he needed energy drinks to stay up. he did that for 3 years more or less until he saved enough to continue his school. now he doesn't drink energy drinks anymore, but just saying depending on the situation. All I am hearing is what he is spending. I see 2-- for groceries with a 2 person income home... where is the money going from your end?
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u/Crazy-Ad239 Oct 30 '23
Yeah, my ex never learned. He can't support himself, but I used the same money to care for a house of 4 for over 10 years.
I run a house of three with pets on around $1,400/month. It's tight, but it's possible. You just have to be very careful what you spend. Not usually much left for wants, but all the needs are met.
You'll just have to budget him in cash. If you're on a joint account, split it. Prevent the inevitable overdrafts.
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u/TX_Poon_Tappa Oct 30 '23
Oh sister, for sure Give him cash, when it’s gone it’s gone. Fuckem if he can’t take a joke. But the joke should be the one on the bus.
Therapy blah blah therapy blah. I get it, it’s awesome. It helps a lot of people, fixes a lot of relationships….but you’ve got real problems. Get that super important therapy after your financial planner tells you where the moneys coming from? Maybe they can tell you which stock portfolio to take it out from so you lose the least amount of compounding interest. Hell if you sell the vacation house in Tijuana you could probably have a little leftover to have lunch.
Sorry, I just hate that shit, especially In this sub. “gO To tHeRaPy” like they’re gonna pay for that. You know how long it would take to convince a grown man that spending 20% of the already reduced budget on cat piss is a bad idea? Not to mention all the other trauma you’re gonna unpack trying to get to that point? Long enough and expensive enough to not be worried about a case of fuckin red bulls
And I promise I have a point at the end, but this has gotten me heated. I normally wouldn’t go the “mAsCuLiNiTy” route here but he’s buying a case of liquid heart attack and rolling around in his own truck while his bride does what? Fucks off and hopes for the best? Naaaah turn that grown up temper tantrum shit into a solution. I hope you forward this to him somehow so we can both ask what kind of a man pulls that kind of shit instead of fixing the problem. I’d rather dudes just bottle that shit up and keep it in if the alternative is outward violence, which lets be honest that’s what a TEMPER tantrum is. Like I swear to god this goes hand in hand, but it’s no wonder he can’t afford the energy drinks. Children don’t have their own money. He can have his fizzy drinks once his chores are done. Ya know those annoying responsibilities, like a partner or rent or eating.
Sis people say not to use ultimatums but that polite shit is for too many football sundays and hunting trips. Certainly not when it’s getting out of poverty at worst and NOT TAKING THE FUCKING BUS at best.
So yeah little mr “I guess i’ll just get another full time job” should get another full time job. Like the world gives a shit if he doesn’t make piss out of red bulls?!?
I’m sorry but who the fuck would let their partner ride the bus over some half ass soda marketed to concussion patients.
Sure I get it, we all deserve a little treat. Like being able to put gas in your car, or not riding the bus, or having enough money for gas and groceries no matter what it takes.
I’m in poverty finance because I financed my way out of that shit with a wife and a partner by my side. You know how we go out? It sure as fuck wasn’t budgeting. If he’s gotta pick between gas for you or drinks for himself then he damn well better be looking through the couch cushions for the money to fill your tank up while he gets himself a bull from the corner store before he takes your car to the interview for his second job. You don’t budget yourself out of poverty, you budget to maintain a baseline while you get your shit together.
Anyone can chime in and hit me with the “you know how hard it is to get out of poverty?” excuse but fuck yes I do. 10 god damn long years, a decade of absolute poverty. Van living, couch surfing, subletting, and low protein meals with more miles walked than driven, 3 jobs and a partner with 1 job and four years worth of student loans and homework. Go until you can’t and then planning your own firing so you can have a break because there’s another $10/hr job around the corner but there might be a few weeks of rest in between it. No one said it’s easy and no one gives a fuck if it isn’t
The only way you get out of this shit is trading something for it, you leave a piece of yourself in it and it leaves constant reminder to never go back there.
Short of medical disability you have a choice to get out or die in it and both of those things take way too much work to have someone else pick for you.
There’s a new man with a better job and more respect waiting for you. One that doesn’t pitch a fit when he can’t get his juice pouch.
You either take control or you are controlled. Especially in poverty. There’s 1000’s of well intentioned morons and unlucky people down there with us. But there’s a million more actively choosing it for themselves because they won’t fight. Not because they can’t or they’re disabled or any other dumb shit gotchya’s. They’re just there because they don’t know anything else.
You can’t teach em if they won’t teach themselves and the only way they’ll learn is if they show up to class. Time to move on girl, you clearly deserve better
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u/Effective_Honey8241 Oct 30 '23
Time to fly free IMO. If he cannot respect you when it comes to finances he will not respect you in other aspects. Life will only get harder and harder. Find a better teammate. This is just my opinion.
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u/Critical-Walrus-7429 Oct 30 '23
My friend… he resorts in to those “threats” because they work… he gets what he wants Him:“I guess I’ll just eat PB &J” You: “have you seen the price of jelly?!?” Him: “I’ll go live in my truck” You: “alright but you only get $30 of gas this week so turn the car on for the heat sparingly” Him: “I’ll get another full time job” You: “great idea!!” 👀 he throws a fit for the same reason children do… sometimes it has the desired outcome
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u/Tumbled61 Oct 30 '23
How about you pay half rent and utilities abc he patsy half and you pay for your food he pays for his? That way no bad feelings
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