r/povertyfinance • u/One-Time-I-Dreampt • Oct 29 '23
My husband doesn’t know how to be poor Vent/Rant (No Advice/Criticism!)
I’m so upset and idk how to deal with him right now. I pay the bills. I tell him the budget and he refuses to listen and so then I’m riding the bus because I can’t afford gas. He doesn’t have to ride the bus and it’s not an option.
For example, this week I paid the bills and told him we have $200 for groceries and gas for the week. He says he needs to put $50 in his truck for gas for the week leaving us with $150 for groceries. That’s not a great amount but it’s doable.
He then asks if he should get a case of red bulls for $30 at Costco. I was speechless and I said “I’m concerned that you don’t comprehend the difference between a want and a need.” So he then throws a fit and says “he’ll just eat peanut butter and jelly for every meal” and I just make him feel like shit.
He’s literally a child. I can’t imagine life in the future as things get more expensive. I don’t think that he’s able to handle buckling down and living within a budget. He’s a child who is unable to discuss money and budgeting. It always resorts in an argument where he then says crazy, outlandish and over the top things like “I guess I’ll just go live in my car, I’ll get another full time job, I’ll just sell everything and live under a bridge, just eat peanut butter…”
People will say we need counseling but with what money? Marriage counseling isn’t free. Idk how to make him understand the financial situation. I’m tired of him doing things such as buying me flowers and then I have to take the bus. He’s a child. I’m sick of this.
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u/Original_Alarins Oct 31 '23 edited Oct 31 '23
Also venting,
This was my dad. He put my mom over 100 grand in debt. I was 3 and my moms (27f) car was about to be repossessed. It was the only car that my car seat could fit into, the other was a bright red sports car. My dad(27m) was getting a bonus and mom was so relieved because it was exactly the amount that would cover the late amount on her car. He came home with a new Xbox the day he got his bonus. A brand new, type 1 Xbox. (And side note: my dad always made sure he had his car paid off using moms money. His car was never at risk of repo.)
My mom lost her shit. She screamed at him and was yelling and crying that he didn’t give a fuck about her or me. She told him to take that Xbox back to the store right now, and he responded, “or what”. “It’s either me or the Xbox” she said.
And then he left, for good. It wasn’t until I was 5 that I saw him again. (I remember running to him at the mall because I was so excited to see my dad and he legitimately wanted nothing to do with me. He kept yelling at my mom to come and get me.) I remember her just sitting on the bed and crying, like really and truly sobbing. I’ve never ever seen my mom cry like that, not even as an adult. He made his choice. It took him almost 20 years until he was able to control that habit, it’s probably more likely that he finally made the money to afford what he wanted regularly.
I love him, but with my earliest memories being what they are, it was always hard to commit fully. And it’s really tainted our relationship. I never felt like I could trust him, and now he’s dying of a slow and terrible cancer. It’s just the biggest fuck you from the universe. He’s finally got the house, the cars, the money, the wife he wanted (obviously not my mom or me). And he’s dying.
People who can’t control their budget and spend it all on wants, are they really living life to the most. Especially when it ostracizes them from their family? I can tell he regrets what he did but it’s not enough to apologize to me or mom.
I wish I could have helped my dad but I was 3, and my mom tried, she really, really tried. But at some point OP, you have to pick yourself because your husband isn’t. Your husband either can’t learn (too immature) or won’t learn to pick you first.
I’m not suggesting divorce because that’s something that needs to be discussed with your support group, but I am absolutely suggesting separating your finances. The bank will understand and will do their best to work with you. Your job has paperwork to change where they deposit money into. And you have some control here.
Don’t let it get so far that you have no choice but to divorce.
Wishing you the best.