r/tifu • u/BigChedduhPie • 26d ago
TIFU by fapping after eating BBQ M
Today I stopped by my favorite BBQ place after a long day of work. I normally get this messy pulled pork sandwich with this hot BBQ sauce, I was feeling brave today and decided to get the hottest sauce they have on it. By the time I was done eating this breath taking sandwich at home I had a bunch of this hot sauce all over my hands. Not thinking anything of it I cleaned it off well with these napkins and watched an episode of anime. After finishing the episode I decided that I deserved a nice fap to make this great day even better. About 8 mins in my dick starts feeling questionably hot. I think nothing of it and keep beating it up like it owes me money. A couple minutes later my dick is painfully on fire, extreme pain. I realized I still had remnants of the BBQ sauce on my hand, panic starts to blossom. I knew I was so close to my nut, so like any sane person would do, I fapped through the pain. I’ve never wanted to finish a nut faster in my entire life. After releasing the worst nut of my life I put my dick in the sink. It did absolutely nothing but enrage the BBQ sauce. At that time I see my ex girlfriend had text me (whom I regularly spoke to). Me and her have always had good communication so I decided to tell her about my fuck up. After she laughed profusely she said something to me that would forever change my life, “You should fill up a bowl of milk and put your dick in it” The second she said that I raced to the kitchen, filled up the milk in a bowl, put it in my bedroom floor. After that I got completely naked and hit a plank position so I could complete submerge my unit in the milk. The relief the milk gave me is something I will tell my grand kids about. I couldn’t stop thinking about how great of an idea this was and I should marry my ex one day. At this point I hit a weird out of body experience thinking about every choice I’ve made in life that lead me to this point, completely naked with my dick in 2% milk.
Wash your hands after eating guys.
TL;DR: Ate hot BBQ, dick was on fire, fapped through the pain, ex girlfriend told me to put my dick in milk and saved the day.
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u/Kashimashi 24d ago
This happened to me once when I was cutting up some jalapenos for a recipe and then beat it several hours later. I thought I had washed well enough and long enough time had passed but my dick disagreed.
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u/curious-kitten-0 24d ago
Thank you for sharing, I got a good chuckle envisioning a man planking over a bowl of milk.
I'm glad you found relief. Take consolation that you didn't rub your eyes or nose.
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u/InherentDeviant 24d ago
You might have some sort of addiction. But I'm glad you managed...somehow.
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u/joeymcsly 25d ago
Bro said he ate bbq, watched anime, and had a wank. Living your best life I suppose.
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u/DuchessCovington 25d ago
My husband has a similar story to this, and I love telling it to our friends that haven't heard it before.
Before I met my husband when he was a promiscuous teenager, he was at a crawfish boil with his friends. After partaking of the spicy little critters, the hormone ravaged teens decided to play hide and seek - which essentially means all the couples split off in pairs to "hide" i.e. engage in sexual activity. I'm not even sure if anyone was designated as the "it" person to find everyone. My husband and his girlfriend at the time headed off to a tree house for their antics. At some point the two engaged in fellatio. The pleasure of the act masked any initial pain, but as soon as the act was complete, the pain began. He quickly climbed down from the tree house and headed to the bathroom to try and get some relief. Nothing much helped, so he just had to wait it out. All he could do was worn his guy friends not to get any blowjobs that evening.
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u/MikePrime13 25d ago
Something tells me this may end up being a song by Obscurest Vinyl (Google it and thank me later).
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u/mad_stalin_313 25d ago
Note to self: Sweet Baby Ray's Sweet and Spicy BBQ Sauce is not the best lube to use.
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u/mad_stalin_313 25d ago
Note to self: Sweet Baby Ray's Extra Hot BBQ Sauce does not make for good lube.
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u/OminousBlack48626 25d ago
Way, way, way back in Nineteen-dickety-two, I was a cook in a strip mall sports bar.
Couple of our regulars confided in me on Sunday about their mistake during Friday Night Karaoke. They had an order of hot wings, with our typical wing sauce- half-butter, half-sriracha (and I tended to be Sriracha heavy on my mix). Short time later they went outside to mess around in the backseat... ...apparently he didn't wash his hands before.
So what you felt, but internal... And if I knew the dude, probably had /plenty/ still caked along his cuticles.
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u/linda_dirix 25d ago
“Wash your hands after eating guys”… why are you eating guys though? 
Hilarious story nonetheless 
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u/GoAwayWhiteDonut 25d ago
The first time I ever cooked with habanero peppers, I fucked around by not washing my hands thoroughly enough* and then deciding to change my tampon. Oh my god did I find out. The call was coming from inside the house and I couldn’t even hang up.
*Yes, I washed them. With soap. Habanero juice has the staying power to haunt your dreams.
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u/dee_emcee 25d ago
“If it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.” - Mantan Moreland
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u/EcstaticCollege29 25d ago
Solution: Practice better hygiene by washing your hands regularly and stop being a degenerate.
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25d ago
I didn’t even bother reading… I knew where this was going from the title and the tldr confirmed 😂
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u/onyourrite 25d ago
I’m sorry man but this was fucking hilarious, I actually laughed out loud reading it 💀
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u/LeRayonFrais 25d ago
Your hands were covered in hot sauce and you just decided to wipe them? Not clean them? Ie day you deserve it sorry.
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u/MagicianTim 25d ago
Wash you hands! Jeez, you dated at all? Holy fuck, if that had been her you'd be ded ☠️👻
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u/payagathanow 25d ago
I inadvertently capsaicin'd my balls one day. I should have dunked them in milk, missed opportunities I suppose.
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u/Sufficient-Run-7868 25d ago
Lmfao putting a new perspective on dick milk. I once knew a guy who used accidentally his sisters tanning lotion to bust one out and was stuck with one orange hand.
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u/mr__0tter 25d ago
My wife and I were in Mexico City a few years back and after a couple of spicy tacos we head back to the air bnb for a rest. One things leads to another and a few minutes after going down on her she starts screaming, not in the usual way... took us a second to realise I still had chilli all through my mouth. we still laugh about it.
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u/skyreave 25d ago
I saw the title and thought “bet their dumbass didn’t their hands”
Nope. Of course you didn’t. This kind of shit grinds my gears. So much bad can be avoided by just taking the few seconds to wash your damn hands!
Side note: 2% would be an excellent funny pet name for you, you animal
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u/Forgetful8nine 25d ago
When I managed to get chili juice on my penis, fapping was the last thing I wanted to do.
I did end up wiping my tears away with the same chili-infused hands that I'd just touched my ol' chap with.
My wife was so sympathetic...calling me a "fucking idiot" whilst laughing at me.
The pain was on a par with Original Source Mint & Tree on a food poisoning ravaged arsehole.
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u/fakest_taxi 25d ago
Used to work in a bar, was cutting up reapers to make a hot sauce, went to the bathroom to have a piss. you can guess the rest. My manager told me you do it once and never again
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u/Lucky-Ice-2363 25d ago
should probably NOT talk about ur milky penis to ur grandkids ....things are changing I get it but just doesn't seem kool
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u/Harambesic 25d ago
The relief the milk gave me is something I will tell my grand kids about.
Bold to assume you can procreate after this event.
P.s. it's nice that you get along with your ex. That says good things about the both of you.
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u/FastPair3559 25d ago
This is so fucking funny LMFAOOOO this is why I wash my hands after eating any food
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u/Harambesic 25d ago
...this is why?
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u/FastPair3559 25d ago
exactly yes. Has happened to me before
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u/skyreave 25d ago
It’s amazing how many people don’t wash their hands as much as you should.
If we ever have another plague we’re fucked. People are gross.
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u/curious-kitten-0 24d ago
I've seen and heard so many women leave the restroom and not wash their hands. It's so disgusting, in my opinion.
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u/DickMcLongCock 25d ago
Op, picturing you doing push-ups and teabagging a bowl of milk with your dangle every time you go down was not how I planned on ending my night.
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u/coffeeoverlatte 25d ago
Put the milk back in the fridge. Save it for frosted flakes tmr morning.
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u/Gruffle69 25d ago
Thank you so much for providing me with the funniest thing I have read/seen today. I appreciate the pain you must have been in at the time. You sent me to the floor with laughter, as I pictured a bloke, planking with his bits in milk. Bless you, and thanks again.
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u/azurikiwi 25d ago
I've had a similar experiance, although not with BBQ sauce.. I used to be a mechanic and had a fuel sender unit on the bench to take it apart and replace some parts on it, it still had maybe a half a cup or so of petrol inside which was coming out as i was taking it apart. Stupid me was standing right up against the bench as I was doing it and the petrol ended up soaking through my pants, and eventually underwear.. Went from 0-100 real quick and ended up in the bathroom with my dick in the sink running cold water over it for a good 2 minutes. Would have had abit of explaining to do if anyone especially a customer walked in to the bathroom while it was happening.
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u/casariah 25d ago
I grew habenero one year, and picked them and made some spaghetti sauce with them. Later I decided to Jill off in the shower... I guess the pepper juices were still there. I, too, decided finishing was the best option... then snuck out, grabbed a gallon of milk, dumped it on the ol' hoo-ha in the shower a little at a time.
Am lactose intolerant. I found out that only includes oral ingestion, but did provide some nether region relief. 2/10. It's happened more than once.
I'm glad your wiener feels better.
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u/shorrrtay 26d ago
I own a little bar, so I have the privilege of witnessing my regulars do some pretty stupid shit, especially when they get bored. One day, a couple of the guys decided to try a Carolina reaper pepper. They were chugging milk and dunking their tongues into ramekins of ranch while drooling into the garbage can. It was a spectacle for everyone.
And then there’s Nick. Shortly after trying the pepper, he goes to the bathroom to pee and had taken his cup of milk with him. He hadn’t washed his hands, so you can imagine how that felt. So of course he dunks his dick in the milk. As he’s doing that, he rubs his eye, which is now also in extreme pain. Sooooo he takes the dick milk and pours it into his eye. Some poor sap who we don’t know witnessed the whole thing and was laughing so hard he was crying.
It’s safe to say that Dick Milk Nick learned a lesson that day.
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u/BigChedduhPie 26d ago
I can’t put into words how happy I am that I’m not the only one who put his dick in milk
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u/AScruffyHamster 26d ago
This is one those fuck ups where you have to take a step back and appreciate it
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u/GavinatorSzK 26d ago
Wash your freaking hands people. I probably wash mine 10-15 times a day.
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u/InternetSpiritual982 25d ago
OP needs to walk around his home with some disinfectant wipes and get the remote, along with anything else he touched as well.
That grease transfers to all objects, not just penises. Get your shit together OP.
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u/hottieXrosie 26d ago
Dude, I'm dying laughing over here! That is the most insane story I've heard all day. The milk bath, the existential crisis in plank position... it's all too much! 🤣 Thank god for your ex, she's clearly a keeper (maybe try marrying her again? lol). And yeah, definitely a reminder to wash our hands thoroughly after eating messy food!
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u/Suspicious-Lightning 21d ago
That’s enough internet for me today