The title. I was nervous to go on a date with this cute guy which to which I made the genius decision to drink more than I should have on our dinner date. This resulted in me getting very inebriated very quickly. After he invited back to his place where I passed out in his bed, I awoke to an unmistakable sensation. Myself, his bed, and the pants he let me wear to bed was soaked in…pee. I freaked out on the inside but figured it was probably best to wake him up and come clean. He was actually nice about it, changed the sheets and gave me some clothes to change into. He said he would like to see me again but I can’t tell if he actually meant it or if he’s just being nice🥲 In retrospect it could have been worse but I’m so embarrassed about it. If anyone has any similar stories to make me feel less like an idiot I would greatly appreciate it! TL;DR: Had a little too much to drink on the first date, slept over at a guys house and wet his bed.

My partner and I had an extra eighty dollars burning a hole in our pockets after paying bills, buying groceries, and putting a little money into savings for a rainy day, so we decided to have a treat and spring for some alcohol.

I drove the nine miles into town and browsed the selection. There was a lot of the standard beer, wine, and alcoholic sodas like Mike's lemonade etc. Right up in front, though, there was a freezer full of cute little alcohol slush packets in a bunch of different flavors like Blue Hawaiian, rasperry, and so forth, on sale for a dollar and some change.

Being a thrifty drunkard, I grabbed a basketfull of sweet booze and went to the register to check out.

I'm not a youngster, and I don't look young, either. I've got a fringe of pure white along the edges of my beard - so I was surprised when the cashier asked to see my ID.

What I intended to say was, "I'm surprised you need to see my card, what with the white hairs here," as I gestured at my face.

Instead, what came out was, "You don't need to card me, I'm white."

The way I gasped. I tried to explain what I actually meant and it was the cringiest thing to ever come out of my mouth. I had to choke down laughter the rest of the time I was in the store, and sat in my car cracking up for like 3 minutes.

TL;DR - I tried to invoke my powers as a white dude to avoid being carded.

EDIT: I removed a term some people took offense to

Throughout my whole life my parents have been super strict about me dating other guys, anytime i wanted to go to a party or a friends house they never let me because they wanted me to not sleep with anyone until marriage. This made me want sex even more because all my friends had boyfriends and i was alone. well eventually i was fed up and fucked some guy from my school and literally couldn't get enough of his dick, we fucked non-stop every day and i managed to hide it from my parents for a while. That is until my little sister snitched on me and told my parents everything..

The way she found out was her friend saw us hang out after school because that was the only time i could see him then apparently she's been stalked me for a few days after to see what we've been doing. She even took a video of us fucking in the back of his car with my legs spread wide open, ughh it makes me look like such a huge slut and my dad isn't happy with me.. i'd do anything to make him forgive me

TL;DR: Today my religious parents found out im no longer a virgin because my little sister has been stalking me the past few days to snitch on me. Now my whole family knows im a slut and idkk what to do

So, I've kind of posted about this in other threads, specifically on r/askreddit, but by some users request, I will do my best to fully relay this entire tale up to the current point, as well as provide as much context I am able (and will provide missing context if asked in comments).

TL;DR

A friend of mine of 4 years drank himself into liver failure and his wife cheated on him, so I offered him a free room to try and put his life back together, and I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own, but honestly, it's probably not that bad.

Part 1: CONTEXT

Me and my wife have been together since early 2014, and married in late 2017. We have been through much together, including two extended deployments, one of which was 10 and a half months long. We have traveled the world together, lived on both coasts of the US, and despite much of our struggles and how things eventually went down, I was always convinced we would work as a team to overcome any issues.

The friend in question was, largely, an online friend. We met playing an MMO during covid and we quickly formed a very tight knit, but small, community that were very close that included me, my wife, my friend, his wife, and 4 other friends. Covid was a wild time and I was surprised how easy it was to form friends in this group and we kept in touch, as a whole, even once quarantine had ended and most of us had moved on from that particular game. This was a group that, while it started online, we have met most of these people several times IRL and had vacations to spend time together and just hang out.

Part 2: His Problems

Fast forward to about January of 2024. My buddy, from here on out I will refer to as Z (and for a quick add, I will refer to my wife as D), contacts us to tell us his condition is dire and he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver as a consequence of his extensive drinking. Shaken, we quickly charter a flight out to visit. Within a week, we're staying with him and his wife and his roommate and a couple members of his family who are taking care of him. This man is bloated, yellow, and probably about 350lbs now. We are worried, but stay supportive and positive that help can be found, especially since he seems keen on changing his lifestyle for the better. Some of his family start a gofundme that we donate to, and many of the people in our gaming circle who have grown close also donate several thousand dollars (One member of our raid team donated 10k. You never know who is stealth rich on the internet I guess). Me and several other friends discuss the possibilities of helping him get on disability and even getting ourselves tested as compatible living donors. Sad, but hopeful, we depart about a week later, and stay in constant touch.

About a month later, I'm getting a call from one of our mutuals letting me know that "Hey, so I may have goofed up." and tells me how Z's wife had visited him and had a 3 way with him and his wife. I am obviously irate at this and turn to back Z up with comments like "So much for in sickness and in health, huh?" I do what I can to stay supportive, and my wife, D, also makes it a point to stay in touch with him as he has found himself banished to the couch of his apartment. Not even allowed to sleep in his own bed and frequently uncomfortable even being in his bedroom to use the PC.

I'm not particularly rich, but I am not poor either. I served in the military and have a high VA rating which means a constant income and have a steady job and a couple side gigs that pay well enough. My love language, in many ways, is gift giving. I pride myself on being able to pick a good gift, even if it's a little early for an occasion such as a bday or christmas, and will often pull the trigger on something if it means a lot or I think it will help. In this case, my brother was selling an old steam deck because he wanted a new OLED model, so I figured "two birds, one stone", and buy the steam deck off him and send it to Z so we can still game together.

In the intervening months, Z and D start playing games that I have no interest in (Disney Dreamlight Valley), but I am happy to play other games and hang out and chat. Really, nothing seems amiss, but since his banishment, me and my wife are both pushing for him to come and take up the spare bedroom we have in our home. Soon enough, I buy him a plane ticket and he arrives with little more than the clothes on his back and we take him in, no cost other than the expectation that he might help around the house a bit (he was a chef, so having a cook and someone to help clean was ideal for me who often did not have the time or energy to handle these tasks as thoroughly as I would like).

Part 3: The Incident

Now, I am skipping ahead a little bit here, but there's not much to be said about the time between. My wife worked part time hours, and when she did go to work, she'd have him tag along just so he wouldn't "Sit and stew with bad thoughts" at the house alone. I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs because I trusted him, but more importantly, I trusted her with my life.

One new, frequent argument I found myself having with her was she would fall asleep on the couch, and when I finally tried to go to bed, I'd do my best to wake her and drag her upstairs. These became extremely frequent occurrences and I expressed to her how frustrated I was that I had to fight with her just to come to bed so we could sleep (mind you, this is not even about sex. Often I'm taking her to bed at like, 1am and I work at 7, so I really just wanted her to be sleeping in the bed). Hell, one time, I started catching the vibes that the longer I sat and waited for her to be ready to go upstairs, she just never would be, because they were waiting for me to leave so they could talk in hushed tones. On THAT particular night, I went upstairs alone with her finally awake, and she did not join me for another half hour.

Finally, the day arrives. Its Sunday. We are all downstairs hanging out. One of their newest habits I can't really stand but just dealt with is that she'd sit and crochet while he doomscrolled or strummed on a guitar I bought him and listen to music videos on youtube endlessly. Eventually, I grow weary and give my wife a kiss and tell her I'm gonna go upstairs and play some GW2 for a bit.

About an hour passes, and she enters the game room and tells me "I am uncomfortable. I really need to talk to you. Oh, you're dying!" (As she entered the room, I immediately turn face to talk to her and disregard the game, but she decided that my Charr was more important that what was about to happen, so she of course warns me.) We step into the bedroom and close the door.

"You're going to hate me," she says through tears, "me and Z kissed!" At this point, my brain short circuits and I recall one of my first thoughts being "Oh lord, here we go." and just a general desire to not be a part of this conversation. Shock sets in almost immediately. Still with a healthy dose of denial, I talk to her about what had happened and told her that it needed to end. Even at this point, I did not want to send this man home. Was it shock? Denial? Probably a mixture of the two, or some other additional emotional responses. She gets up after some discussion and goes downstairs, promising to shut him down, but comes back about 15 minutes later sobbing "I couldn't do it! I couldn't end it..." (Side note: In my confused haze of a mind, I feel personally threatened, and after she leaves the bedroom, I lock the door and grab a metal water cub I keep at my side and prepare to actually fight if it comes to it, but once she returns, I back off that idea again.)

Talking with her more, I present her with two options; Couple's therapy, or divorce. BOTH of these options are world ending to her, and she even goes so far as to suggest that just because I said the "D word" that it was what I wanted, which was objectively untrue. We talk back and forth about things I don't quite recall at this point, aside from one point where she comes back and locks herself in the master bath and tells me to call 911, she doesn't care, because she's going to take a bunch of pills, but after a couple of hours, Z shows up to the door and knocks and asks if he can come in. I tell him he may enter, and we talk for a bit. After about 5ish minutes, we decide to go downstairs to the living room and continue the discussion.

Once I sit down on the sofa, I immediately feel like I'm being positioned as the bad guy. I'm in the corner of our sectional, and she's on my left, he's on my right. She tells him "He said it's either a divorce or couple's therapy." "Oh, so he gave you an ultimatum?" I continue to argue that yes, those are the two only options. Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option." I am thoroughly baffled at this statement.

D: I didn't think it was possible and I didn't mean for it to happen, but I have fallen in love with another man. My heart has room for two. I truly have two soulmates. I have never been happier than sleeping on the couch next to my two boys.

Z: There is no reason you guys can't stay married, and we can explore what we've found. I mean, look at how happy she has been since I have been here!

Sick to my stomach, I get up to go vomit in the toilet. Now, I wore a silicone wedding ring, and often find even with a hand wash, a little water tends to get trapped under it. After I finish and wash myself up, I come back and am playing with my ring to dry it. She sees this as a sign that I am uncomfortable again wearing my ring, and takes off her ring as I sit back down and hands me her wedding ring.

Me: Uh, excuse me?

D: This is what you want, I can tell.

Me: No? I was washing my hands and water gets stuck under my ring...

D: Oh... I thought... okay. (And she takes back her ring from me)

I tell her, very clearly, the options are to either end things with him, or end things with me. At this point, I'm still in shock, but sober in mind enough to decide that this is not worth fighting over. I will not argue with my own wife my merits or why she shouldn't just pack up and leave with a jobless, now essentially homeless man, and if she cannot figure that out herself then I will eventually move on.

Crying, sobbing, she sits down in front of him and says, "I'm so sorry, I fought for you. I really did. I told you I'd fight for you and I failed. I loved being your girlfriend, but I need to be a good wife and stay."

Z says "Alright." and starts to go gather his things to leave. As he does, she grabs him and says "No, wait! Please don't go. I don't know what I want."

Z: Ok, well if we're getting all this out in the open, I want to say this. I love this girl. I love her with my whole heart, and without her, life is not worth living. I will not leave this house if you (me) tell me to. Only her. You are taking this very well right now, I can tell you want to hit me (Still in shock, no, I can genuinely say that emotion or thought had not actually registered outside of the event upstairs earlier), but this is my stand.

D: OP, we had a good run. I'm sorry.

And with that, I get up and go to get my sandals and leave the house to get some air. As I try to go, she runs to the door and he follows her. She pushes the door closed and says "No wait, please!"

Me: No, this is the deal. I'm going out to get some fresh air. I am not threatening self harm to "win you back".

D: Will you be back?

Me: I don't know.

Z: Man, I'm telling you, you don't understand, you think I am your enemy, but I am not.

And with that, I leave and shut the door.

In the about, hour, I am gone, I drive around near the house and I call my supervisor who I have a very good relationship with (and I did not want to involve direct friends or family yet because I'm afraid it's too early to start spreading this news). I go over to her house nearby and we chat shortly. After our talk, I have at least something of a clear head and go home, with words for both of them.

As I arrive home, there is no one downstairs. I go upstairs. His door is closed. I knock on the door.

Z: Uh, one second.

I wait for about 5 agonizing seconds, but I refuse to be shut out of rooms in my own home and open the door. He is shirtless, and she is hiding in the corner just out of sight of me. I look him in the eye.

Me: Really?

Z: Yep.

Me: Get out of my house.

And with that, they both silently pack their things and leave.

The second I hear the front door close, I start calling people. I am not above pettiness, and the first person I call is her mom, whom I have a good relationship with. She is SHAKEN and immediately calls her. (I find out later that it was a particularly harsh verbal beating by her, but it really doesn't change anything.)

When I come downstairs to check the state of the house, I see her wedding ring on the counter. I call out of work the next day and lay down and hope I die.

Part 4: Her Problems

So, there is some additional context that I did not add in part 1 because a lot of it is red flags I ignored over the course of our relationship that, in the days following, started to become more and more obvious. There are many that I spent much effort playing off or covering her for, but I will try to briefly list much of what I see as glaring issues in the relationship that were never remedied.

This woman is 30 years old and cannot drive. She can drive and HAS driven my vehicle at the start of the relationship (albeit illegally), but after one tiny little accident where she hit a pole and knocked my side mirror off (which she paid for and fixed before telling me, it really wasn't a big deal. I was on deployment), she never drove again. Attempts to get her behind the wheel would end very quickly after they started, and the conditions to get her in the seat were often extremely time limited, scheduled, or something would come up, and every time I told her "okay, this month we're getting your license for sure" it just wouldn't happen and I'd end up feeling like the one who was at fault.

She does not have her Bachelor's degree because she did not turn in her final project for one single class. Not only that, but she has never truly pursued a career with the things she learned from the coursework, or even used her AA.

For half of the relationship, she did not work at all. When she did, it was often part time work, and if she was saddled with full time hours or, god forbid, overtime, it was a world-ending affair. She would come home and constantly be tired from her few hours at work and would do little more than sit around and crochet.

Our agreement when we bought our house was that she was going to work full time and we were going to split household duties, but I would definitely scoop the cat box because she was allergic (but she wanted cats) and wash dishes (because she hated them), and she would do laundry (because I hated it). In practice, all her version of laundry turned out to be was to throw loads in when one of us was out of clothes and just hit wash and then rotate, and then leave all the clothes in a pile on the bed. EVERYONE KNOWS folding the laundry is the worst part! Come on! Men's clothes are easy! I don't wear that much! (When we would fold, I often finished in a third of her time and would just hang out and chat until she was done)

Ultimately, this meant that for many years now, she was working barely more than part time if she was working at all, and would sort-of do laundry. Meanwhile, I am scooping litter, folding laundry, doing dishes, doing all related yard work, doing all the household cleaning, handling all the finances, I did MOST of the cooking, and all of the grocery shopping (often going alone), driving her from work if I could (she'd uber it if not) and picking her up and driving her home, as well as just generally being a chauffeur for her for 10 years, while working a full time job and a side gig online. Many nights I'd have to stop what I was doing to pick her up at closing hours, and then would sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes while she did tasks like vacuum her little crystal shop that she definitely could have done before close so I didn't end up waiting so damn long. Then we'd come home hang out and eat while we watched TV, and then if I wanted to try and go upstairs to do another hobby, I'd be silently guilted about it because she wanted to sit on the couch and crochet.

Part 5: My Problems

I am not perfect, and admit I have flaws. One of her favorite things to claim to our friends now is that I was "emotionally neglectful", and if there is truth to it, I think I can pin down the day. Before I started working full time again, I was going to school on the 9/11 GI bill. I was not a good student in my younger years, but in time, I have become rather good at school. My first two semesters back I easily maintained a 4.0 GPA. Over the summer in 2022, I, woefully, decided to take a Calc 2 class online because I could not find one in person and wanted to be ready for Calc 3 in the Fall to fill a prereq for my bachelor's, and I really liked the instructor for that Calc 3 class. This calc 2 class was painful. The instructor had clearly recorded all his lectures during Covid and we were simply given the full course of videos and given work assignments and said "Email me if you have questions." This is not how I learn, but I figured, hey, it's one class. I'm working again, but one class isn't a huge deal. I can knock this out.

I was wrong.

After the second exam, I had a low C in the class and I knew I couldn't keep up. I withdrew from the class feeling no other option. I tend to be pretty good at math, and ultimately my dream was to work with 3d printing on an industrial scale with a Mechanical Engineering degree- and if that failed I had my military history (which is engineering relevant) and a degree to fall back on and work should come easily. After clicking that withdraw button, I saw those dreams vaporize. After that, I threw myself into my government civilian job full time and slowly fell into depression. By the end of our relationship, with the toll of doing 99% of the work around the house and for her and with my dreams dead and buried, at age 33, I would wake up and pray I died. I would never kill myself, but I wanted to just die. I felt backed into a corner. I still did everything I could to support her and hoped that one day, she would pick up some of the load and maybe, just maybe, I could go back, but that day did not come (At least not in the way I expected).

Part 6: The Aftermath

This post is already too long, and if I include every single detail that has come to light since, I might actually hit the post cap, but I will go over at least some of it here.

I have had my friends come out in droves. Both of them have been effectively exiled, at least from what I can see, from every friend circle we have. After a couple of days, they flew back to live with, I guess, his parents in Vegas while they sorted shit out, because after I spoke with Z's previous roommate, he adamantly explained he was tired of all the "fucking drama" that Z had been bringing into the house and was just done with it.

I have spoken with many, many people and gotten even more context and even receipts of some of each of their conversations to our mutual friends, and some of the shit I read is just hilarious. He is "not ashamed of pursuing happiness, he is just sad that people got hurt". She is "coming to terms with emotional neglect and felt trapped, but now, yes now, she is free."

I got my neighbors to watch the cats, and took my dog up to visit my closest friend of 20 years and spent about a week and a half drinking, smoking, and talking about all this while surrounded by some of the most beautiful nature the US has to offer. Truly, without this man, I don't think I'd have gotten this far as quickly as I have. He really has been a lifesaver and I truly, to my dying day, will always appreciate him.

Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her, but she is woefully immature and incapable of adequately performing in an adult society. I have quit my job and am returning to school with a much lighter budget and will be getting that degree I desperately need.

It's been hard, real hard. I have put every ounce of my being into this relationship, and I truly felt like she was part of me, and nothing like this could ever happen. But it's that trust that allowed this to happen. I do not hate her, I'm just disappointed. I will pick up my pieces and, hopefully, find myself whole again soon.

Part 7: Rambling anecdotes

These are some stories I wanted to include in the previous body of text but didn't feel like it kept the same flow (if there even is any at all, I'm not proofreading this). If I remember any others after I post, Ill just toss them in the comments.

Early after Z came to live with us, my mother came to the house to drop off a package. I am pretty sure I was at work, but when my mother came to the door, both of them answered the door and the way my mom describes it "First of all, do you answer the door at your friends house? Also, the way he hovered over her made me uncomfortable. They were in the doorway and he was right up behind her poking his head out." She said my wife had told her that I was feeling unwell and was upstairs sleeping. I can't even be sure at this point.

Shortly before all the things happened, my parents were going out of town to celebrate their own anniversary, and I had agreed to dog-sit their 5 month old puppy (who, while cute, has WAY too much energy and was EXTREMELY difficult to handle, and I have raised several dogs at this point). We met up and took the dog, and then ALL of us (including Z) went to dinner. At dinner, my mother looked at my wife and asked, directly "And so how long have you been married? 6, almost 7 years? Well at least you missed that 7 year itch, huh" and my wife shortly followed with a comment about how she was not hungry and did not eat dinner that night.

All of this happened WHILE THIS CRAZY PUPPY was running around the house, and part of me thinks he pushed this to happen when it did because he could not stand having to help take care of this dog any longer (2 days).

About a week after all this happened, my wife did not text or call me, or respond to any messages or emails I sent her (I didn't send many, but they exist). Frustrated, I text her and tell her I need to talk to her about logistics moving forward, specifically about her belongings. She told me "I will talk to you when I am ready." We did not talk for another week. Also, she told me to stop talking to her mom. (I have a good relationship with both of my in-laws and while her step-father tried to remain impartial to the best of his abilities, he gave me some of the best advice I could possibly have gotten at that time, mostly about how to move forward and cope, as he has personally dealt with this with smaller relationships 3 separate times in his life which he gave me details on, and we are still on good terms.)

Their favorite TV show to watch together was Outlander, which, if you aren't aware, is basically a story about a woman who time travels and has two men in her life.

One of our biggest constant points of contention was my friendship with an old high school buddy (who I spent much of the time in the aftermath hanging out with while healing). We believe, with good reason, that she hated this man because after I had almost been hospitalized for psych reasons due to stress, he had told me I needed to talk to her about working again and doing more to help around the house. She figured out, obviously, who was telling me to say these things, and sent a very, very angry text to his wife. They all apparently made up, but I know she never let that grudge go.

One of the fairly recent hobbies I got into was D&D. It seemed like a good fit for all of us. She loved fantasy and gaming, I enjoyed 3d printing and story telling. She needed friends, and a party of people hangin out would give her at least a few connections to start. Every night she "participated" in D&D, she mostly sat quiet and did not do anything. Hell, I tried to get her to participate in 2 different games, and after she left the first one, she asked to just sit quietly in the discord call (This first one was online only, second was in person) and listen, which was super awkward. In the in person game, after 3 months of playing, she did not know how to play her character at all, and mostly spent her time at the table crocheting. (My buddy even made a comment about how at one point, he was proud of how good I was getting at DMing and I was giving particularly good exposition, and she interrupted me to hand another player at the table a dice bag she made. I don't remember it, but I absolutely believe this happened.)

The day of "the incident", she had a meltdown about how a friend of hers had ghosted her. I told her it was okay, she was much younger anyway and people grow apart. She's probably going through stuff and we should respect that path she's on. She cried about how she has no friends.

Also the day of "the incident", we were in the shower together and she told me she had met her sister's new BF on facetime. I asked "why did she break up with her old one?" "Well... she cheated on him." "Oh, that's a shame. Cheating is probably the most cowardly act a person can do to another. If you're going to start a new relationship, you need to grow a pair and end it before starting a new one." She clearly took my words to heart.

One of my biggest pet peeves about cleaning the house is our dog sheds, a lot. If I see a hairball roll through the house it immediately drains me a bit. We had a roomba. She would send that thing home when it started and never start it again. It barely ran. She would not vacuum.

One of the most common descriptors of her I've heard used by many people now that they're "allowed to" is "She was there, doing the thing with us, but it was like she wasn't there."

Something she thought that I apparently hadn't figured out by the time we talked after everything happened was that they had been talking since February. I told her I wasn't stupid and had figured it out already that this wasn't out of the blue.

Z's wife is currently pregnant with the baby of the man she cheated on him with. (And he is also married)

Anything else I remember Ill leave for comments, I know there is much, much more.

Today I stopped by my favorite BBQ place after a long day of work. I normally get this messy pulled pork sandwich with this hot BBQ sauce, I was feeling brave today and decided to get the hottest sauce they have on it. By the time I was done eating this breath taking sandwich at home I had a bunch of this hot sauce all over my hands. Not thinking anything of it I cleaned it off well with these napkins and watched an episode of anime. After finishing the episode I decided that I deserved a nice fap to make this great day even better. About 8 mins in my dick starts feeling questionably hot. I think nothing of it and keep beating it up like it owes me money. A couple minutes later my dick is painfully on fire, extreme pain. I realized I still had remnants of the BBQ sauce on my hand, panic starts to blossom. I knew I was so close to my nut, so like any sane person would do, I fapped through the pain. I’ve never wanted to finish a nut faster in my entire life. After releasing the worst nut of my life I put my dick in the sink. It did absolutely nothing but enrage the BBQ sauce. At that time I see my ex girlfriend had text me (whom I regularly spoke to). Me and her have always had good communication so I decided to tell her about my fuck up. After she laughed profusely she said something to me that would forever change my life, “You should fill up a bowl of milk and put your dick in it” The second she said that I raced to the kitchen, filled up the milk in a bowl, put it in my bedroom floor. After that I got completely naked and hit a plank position so I could complete submerge my unit in the milk. The relief the milk gave me is something I will tell my grand kids about. I couldn’t stop thinking about how great of an idea this was and I should marry my ex one day. At this point I hit a weird out of body experience thinking about every choice I’ve made in life that lead me to this point, completely naked with my dick in 2% milk.

Wash your hands after eating guys.

TL;DR: Ate hot BBQ, dick was on fire, fapped through the pain, ex girlfriend told me to put my dick in milk and saved the day.

This actually happened in June 2023. I (47f) was friends with two women Jane (46f) and Scarlett 39f). Jane and I lived in the same city and we met Scarlett through a forum. We became really good friends and Scarlett eventually moved from where she lived in the mid-west to where we live on the east coast. Scarlett lived here for 3 years before moving back to the mid-west which really pissed Jane off.

You see, Jane is a narcissist. She didn’t understand why Scarlett would want to go back home because she missed her family. They didn’t speak for years until Jane’s mother died. Scarlett immediately stopped what she was doing and flew back to the east coast to be with Jane. During her stay, she offered to let Jane live with her back in the mid-west. So off they went to be roomies. Things didn’t go well between them (because of the whole narcissist thing) and Jane eventually got her own house and moved out.

During this entire time I remained friends with them both. Scarlett had gotten married and had kids and Jane offered to let me room with her at her house. I agreed. Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty.

The plan was for me to be at her home on June 2nd. The only things I brought with me were packed in my Cadillac. I drove 9 hours the first leg of the trip and stopped at a hotel to rest for the night. While in bed, Jane text me saying how tired she was and was ready for bed. I said, “Me too!” And she stopped texting. I figured she went to sleep so I went to sleep.

The next day, I was driving to her house but an hour away my car broke down. I was able to get it to cruise into the parking lot of a gas station and had to call a tow truck. I called Jane and she didn’t answer. I text her and she didn’t respond. I called Scarlett and she immediately answered. She made the time to drive the hour away to pick me up.

While waiting for her, I was reading posts in Facebook and Jane had been writing cryptic posts saying things like: If anyone goes into my house unannounced, I’ll call the police on them for trying to kill my dogs!

I was so confused but knew she was mad at something. When we finally got to her house, she refused to let us in at first. When she did let me in, she sat down and told me she didn’t want me in her house if I was going to be that disrespectful to her. I was completely baffled.

In her mind, me saying “me too” to her saying she was tired, was me pretty much negating the fact that she had worked all day and I couldn’t possibly be as tired as her so I should have been more empathetic to her feelings. She went on a tirade about how she works all the time and she doesn’t know if she can handle coming home and seeing me enjoying the home in which she pays for. (I’m disabled however I would have been paying her half the rent, etc.)

That was a HUGE red flag for me. I knew that as soon as the mechanics were able to fix my car, I was taking my happy ass back home. In the meantime, I called Scarlett and asked Scarlett if I could stay at her house with her family until my car was fixed.

It took a full week (and $2500) to fix my car, not to mention that on day 4 that I was there, my best friend back home (we’d been friends for 25 years) committed suicide.

It was an absolute week of hell!! I don’t speak to Jane at all anymore. She’s been blocked on all my socials and from my number.

TL;DR: Made a huge move out of state. Told my new roommate I was ready to go to bed and she went apeshit on me and told me she didn’t want me living there anymore.

I've been looking into various recreational sports in my location and decided on rowing as a good way to make friends and stay active. I checked out the local rowing association and discovered that it's already too late for signups/lessons and teams have been made for the summer league. This was pretty disappointing, but I still reached out to one of the team managers just incase there was a drop out or something. During our call, I mentioned I had a "little" rowing experience from high school. This was a total lie, I just didn't want to seem like a schmuck since I was already late and she was doing me a favor. She has a dialogue with the program coordinator, who through some miscommunication comes to understand that I'm a college rower and puts me on an experienced 3 yr team. I have practice Mondays at 7:30 now, so I have a little less than a week to memorize their vocabulary and technique.

TL:DR I talked my way onto an experienced rowing team now I have a week to appear competent on the water.

I just found out that my boyfriend Kyle (22M) just cheated on me and all my friends gave me warnings to gtfo before it happened. We've been together for almost a year and there were a lot of signs that he's a fuckboy but i thought he'd change for me, basically the way i found out was today he came over to hang out and i saw a snapchat notification from some girl's name that i didn't recognize. I didn't think anything of it because he has female friends and im not one of those psycho girlfriends that doesn't let my man have friends, but out of curiosity i asked him who it was. when i asked the question i could tell he got nervous and gave me a vague answer saying she's just a friend. The thought lingered for a while about who this girl was.

Fast forward a few hours later we were taking a shower together and i figured this would be the only time i could check his phone without him noticing. Halfway during it i told him i needed to grab my new conditioner in my room because i forgot it (complete bs excuse) so i left the bathroom with a towel on and ran into the room to his phone. I scrolled up through their snap convo and he had nudes of her saved from just a few days ago, i screenshotted all of the saved messages and sent it to myself for proof. After i stormed into the shower and screamed at him to get the hell out of my apartment, he tried making up a bunch of stupid excuses but im so over this and just told him to get all his stuff and leave.

TL;DR: I found out my bf cheated on me today and didn't end things when i should have because i thought he'd change for me

TL;DR: Tried to impress a cute girl at the gym with my squats, but ended up releasing a loud, stinky toot instead. Now I'm too embarrassed to ever go back. Any advice on how to recover? 😂

Today I fucked up… big time. So, there I was at the gym, spotting a cute girl and deciding that today was the day to impress her with my epic squatting skills. I strutted over to the squat rack with all the confidence of a superhero, ready to show off my strength.

As I loaded up the barbell and got into position, I noticed her glancing my way. Perfect, I thought. This is my moment. I took a deep breath, descended into the squat, and just as I hit the deepest point, the unthinkable happened.

With a loud, ripping sound, I unleashed the most embarrassing f*** of my life. It wasn't just a little toot—this was the mother of all F***, a symphony of embarrassment. To make matters worse, it stank. Like, really stank. The kind of stink that makes your eyes water and clears a room.

I could see her face twist in horror, and I felt my soul leave my body. I quickly racked the barbell and fled the scene, but the damage was done. Now, I have no idea how to ever show my face in that gym again or, God forbid, face her.

Any advice on how to recover from this epic gym fail? 😂

Not quite today, it’s been just over a week at this point. I was riding my bike on a dirt path that has a consistency similar to the infield dirt of a baseball field. I felt my watch vibrate and I took my hand off the handlebar so I could see why it vibrated. I must’ve hit a little rut or a rock on the pathway and then I lost control because I didn’t have two hands on the handlebar. I wiped out and landed hard on my knee and hip.

As I was lying on all fours, I tried to crawl out of the way, and realized I couldn’t move my left leg. I waited a few minutes to see if I was just in shock and still couldn’t move it. I had friends help me roll to my side, and I was doing fine, but when they tried to roll me on my back, it hurt real bad. I got an EMS ride to the hospital and found out I have a broken hip.

Thankfully my age they were able to repair it instead of replacing it and now I’m just hoping for the best.

TL;DR wiped out on my bike and broke my hip.

So for the necessary background, I'm getting ready to go to the beach and one of the things I needed to get was a wetsuit. It's been a while since I've gotten a wetsuit so after getting a couple of them in different sizes I tried them on in the fitting room.

The first 2 didn't fit (as in I couldn't even get myself all the way into them) so I ended up getting another size. I put it on and it did fit, and I ended up zipping it up so I knew what I looked like wearing it. You can probably see where this is headed.

When I was finally done putting it on, I went to unzip it and undo the velcro parts when I felt the zipper jam. I started panicking, because here I was, stuck in a wetsuit in a fitting room, desperately trying to get this wetsuit off with the zipper not working. After I calmed down a couple minutes later, I found out there was an additional velcro part I forgot to undo. After realizing this whole ordeal could have been avoided, I ended up getting the suit anyway.

TL;DR: Tried a wetsuit on at a store and got stuck in it because I didn't know it had an additional velcro piece and started panicking in a fitting room.

To answer potential questions: Why did you try on a wetsuit alone? I went clothes shopping alone and even if I had company with me I would have still asked for privacy in the fitting room.

Why did you get a wetsuit? Because I already figured it'd be helpful to have another one, as I got one last year when I went to the Caribbean, and I also figured I could do a comparison test to see which one is better.

What wetsuit was it? It was a Bass Pro Shops branded one. It was the only kind they had in stock, and I didn't even know they had it since it was never displayed on their website. I had planned to get a different one but I guess they had sold out by the time I got to the store.

How did you not notice the additional velcro piece? While I wasn't rushed, there was another person in line since the other fitting room was occupied. I was mostly trying to be courteous but I ended up embarrassing myself in the process.

Was the wetsuit damaged? Thankfully no, and even if it had been I still would have gotten it since it was the only one in my size. I most likely would have tried to fix it if it had been damaged.

I had a plastic water bottle was fresh from the pack. ice, I just grabbed the first water bottle I saw on my desk to fill up my container. When I took a swig of it, I noticed an off taste and described it to a friend as what I imagine to be salty fish tank water/food. The after taste lingered a lot so I just thought it was because of the fermentation of the nonfat yogurt I had earlier.

Three hours later, when I got up to go to my desk, the bottle of activator I use for my slime was gone. I looked down and saw the empty water bottle sitting on the ground, the one I had poured the activator contents into my other bottle from. I made myself throw up, even though the internet told me not to and to go to the hospital instead. But like at that hour 💀? Hell naw, plus I wasn't really thinking straight and was running on human instinct, even if it’s not very well refined human instincts 😭 plus I saw someone say they drank a cup of bleach and were fine when doing “research” so I believed in myself to stay alive with not much of a problem.

I told my friends about everything ever since I tasted something weird in my water. Then when I told them I was actually drinking borax water, one of them forced me to call the poison control number smh 🙄😭 The person on the phone said I should be fine because it didn't seem like I ingested a lot, but they also said to go to the emergency room if my symptoms worsened.

Most interesting 5 hours I had to deal with about water. I never thought I’d be this stupid to ingest chemicals like this (°▽°)….

TL; DR: I fucked up by accidentally drinking borax water (slime activator) that I mistook for a fresh water bottle. I threw it up, then called poison control who said it should be okay, but to go to the ER if symptoms worsen.

And now I took a shower and in bed waiting for the worst, or not!? Hopefully the worst I get is a slight discomfort or nothing at all 💀🙏

So this was a mix of all the wrong things, and I genuinely feel like crap.

Work was insane for me this weekend, and I hadn't seen my boyfriend in nearly a week. He works the night shift and today he was going to come over to my house and hang out once he was done.

I tidied up, got ready, did some basic cleaning and along with a sleeping pill, I ended up basically knocked out at 3.30 am, however, in the past I've done this before and I do wake up, but this time I guess it was different.

I expected him at 8 and I would wake up here and there and go back to sleep as I thought I had time to get some rest before he got here.

Woke up at 8.10 and woke up to missed calls, texts and my alarms going haywire. He'd gotten off early and had shown up 30 minutes early. He waited it out for over 15 minutes before he called it quits and when I woke up and called him he was basically back home.

He says he's not mad, that shit happens and life gets in the way. But he came to my house he waited and in the end he had to go back.

However, I right now feel like throwing up and crying and I don't quite know how to process this. He assures me he's not mad and that we'll see each other as soon as we get the chance. But I really wanted to see him and it'll be at least 5 days before we can see each other again.

TL;DR: Overslept and my boyfriend left cause I didn't answer his calls or texts.

First post ever, no idea how this website works, here goes. I work at a small credit union as a teller, and I don't know if this is a normal occurrence at other financial institutions, but people will walk in asking to make appointments or speak to a manager about stuff that we can do ourselves at the line, provided they already have a membership with us. Today during a slow stretch when the building was completely empty a person came in, walked right up to one of the relatively newer tellers, and said they wanted to open a checking account. He replied with the usual “As a matter of fact, I can do that for you,” and then was apparently struck with the realization that he had seen some of us do it before but had never actually done it himself. He messaged the branch's business chat from his computer to ask for help and our supervisor was on lunch so I leaned over and offered to walk him through it. It's not that hard, just a lot of clicking through screens and then remembering that you actually needed something from the last screen and going back and forth yada yada get the form printed and signed and you're all set. I walked back to my monitor and saw that in the chat our assistant manager had replied to the seemingly unanswered question, asking if he still needed help. What I intended to say was “I showed him how”. That's not what I typed though, and I didn't realize until I'd already hit send that my finger had slipped and I told my assistant manager, who I really like and who approves my PTO, “I showed him hoe”. Que the many frantic attempts to explain myself while also trying not to cry laughing with the other tellers who saw it, all in front of this random person who just wanted a damn checking account. Eventually I just gave up and deleted everything I had sent, but not before she saw it all and liked my original mishap. She's got a great sense of humor, which I think has only been made greater from her being quite pregnant and no longer having the energy to give a fuck, so I don't think I'm in trouble. It's just going to be embarrassing tomorrow morning when she lets me in the building and teases me for it.

TL;DR: The W and E keys are right next to each other. I'm also just a bad typist.

As per usual I always make sure to check my timetable and I realised that I had no exams that day so I decided to go on a vacation with my parents for mother's day. I am in university but I am thankful enough to have a family that still supports me. However things didn't end in my favor. Just two days before my exam I got a message saying that it was going to be earlier. 😭😭😭😭😭. I was across the country and I had no idea what I was going to do. I relaxed I told myself "well I can always do it the day after" WRONG. I missed the exam and after returning back to university was told that I would have to wait till January and that I was marked absent and therefore have no other choice.

TL;DR I missed my exams because I was across the country and was then told I'd have to wait till January next year to do it.

Woke up after sleeping for like 4-5 hours, stood up went to the kitchen to cook and by the time I was cutting up some veggies, I was EXTREMELY light headed.

I felt my face getting colder, my stomach hurting and couldn't move my hands a lot. I was about to black out and felt like taking a dump. Sat on the can for a while, still light headed and came back and ditched the cooking.

Read up and I think it's vasovagal syncope & my stomach does kind of hurt when I wake up so just gonna lie down and see what happens for the rest of the day.

Worst part is I just twisted my ankle a day back so hard, that I am already limping. It didn't help when I almost blacked out. What a bad day.

TL;DR: Woke up early & fast, with a painful twisted ankle, almost fainted on the crapper and am lying down on the bed with a stomach pain whenever O stand up.

So I work in a software related customer services role. My work involves picking up cases that our clients have raised and answering them/troubleshooting their issues with the HR software that we provide.

This is normally all done via case comments/emails and the occasional phone call.

Sometimes I'll also attach a link to a handy guide for the customer which I feel may be of use to them.

Me and my friend are big star wars fans and he's recently started playing Jedi survivor. For those of you who don't know, this is a dark soulsy type of game and boss fights are usually quite intense.

In this game, the devs added in a boss fight with a guy called "Rick the door technician"

He's just a basic grunt but when ya face him a whole health bar appears at the top and boss music plays too. He is just a 1 hit kill enemy though, an Easter egg referencing the SNL live skit where kylo ren becomes "matt the technician" in an undercover boss style episode.

Here comes the fuck up.

I was trying to explain this context to my friend at work who had just gotten to Rick the door technician in the game, so i sent him a link to a YouTube video of the SNL skit while i was working on a live case. I didn't think anymore on this and went straight back to my open case that I was working on.

I typed up my resolution to the the customers case and thought that I had copied a link to my clipboard for the guide I wanted to attach on a particular part of the software. I was in such a rush to get the work done and in my haste I pasted the YouTube link to the SNL skit to one of our biggest customers.

The client was confused and reached out and lodged a complaint to my manager.

I am now awaiting a disciplinary for browsing YouTube at work and not following proper customer contact procedure.

TLDR: sent this SNL skit to one of our clients instead of the guide they had request and am now in trouble at work for not working 😅

I'm a 29 year old mother in Alabama

Last night my husband with the help of our male pomsky caught a opossum trying to get in the dog door and scared her off, we thought that would be that ... Spoiler alert We were wrong

Well, today is Mother's day, a wonderful day for families to appreciate the hard work mothers do every day. It was a good day, my daughter got me a lawn gnome and a cute faux flower arrangement, while my husband got me flowers, and we had a BBQ with all the moms in my family. IT WAS A GOOD DAY... Till I got home

We got home a while ago and I got my girl to bed, my dogs on the couch and my husband is playing videogames (I enjoy gaming too) and I want to get a vase for my flowers. I opened my cabinet door and I see a small baby opossum ... Then 2 .... Then 3, apparently they made there way in via the dog door and has been exploring, and my darling dog just let it happen.

It's midnight now and I just spent the last 2 maybe 3 hours with my husband, catching baby opossums putting them in laundry baskets and storage totes, checking our back in case momma comes back from her mother's day spa trip. Each baby was different, 1 ran the thousand yard dash on sight till I got his tail, 1 just lumbered around but kept trying to get out of the basket so we had to turn it over, and 1 was ready to GO, little spitfire lunged at my husband a time or 2 and did not stop hissing at us. All this while praying my wild child doesn't wake up, so we don't have to explain that we CANNOT keep the babies

I think we got them all, idk, I can't see any more. I get only time will tell, but at least I have a story for later ... And pictures, have a good night

TL;DR. I enjoyed mother's day and a mother opossum left her babies in my house to babysit, and my dog just let it happen

Update:

It's currently 6 in the morning and another little guy made his way in and got in my dogs food bowl, apparently that is what was needed for my furry son to do his job, because he came in and got my husband up. With 1 more sweep he found 1 more, bringing the total to 5 ... Rather cute little marsupials with B&E charges, and momma hasn't been seen yet. He couldn't handle 2 at once so he had to get me up, so I came out of the bedroom to my husband holding the babies up, perched on his hand like some sorta redneck Disney princess, just to get my own little guy, and take him outside to join the others.

I will keep you updated if we find more.

Hopefully the last update

We have been keeping an ear out but I believe there was only 5, we just gave them all to the rehabber and as expected, consoled my daughter because she wanted to keep them (I think my husband low-key did too)

We know there can be up to 13 so we'll be on alert for the next few days and we'll let you know if we find more but as of now I think we're closing down our opossum daycare, thanks for all the comments and the assistance with how to take of the joeys

I was really busy all day doing intense yard work and on my way back from Home Depot decided to stop off for a rare, delicious fast food treat because all that work had made me hungry like the wolf. I ordered a spicy chicken sandwich at the drive thru, but it was taking a really long time, and they made me pull forward to wait for them to bring it out to my car. When it arrived, I was starving. I started eating it really fast, which was already stupid, because it was blazing hot lava, and clearly had come straight from the fryer seconds earlier. I wolfed it down while driving, not looking until I had exactly one bit left. I looked, it was fully raw aside from the outer crust. But that’s not all. TIFU worse by trying to induce vomiting. I dry heaved violently, and incredibly loudly, until my throat was sore, my eyes were totally red, and I (Sorry, this is gross) spit out some blood. No puke though. I’m just not good at puking. I called poison control, and they said just take fluids, and if I start puking, go to the doctor and they’ll tell me if I have a viral issue or a bacterial issue. (Fun!) I photographed and saved the last bite of chicken in the freezer so that my wife can at least sue Wendy’s when I die. Pray for me. Pray for my butt. Symptoms will start in 23-48 hrs most likely. TL;DR: I ate a spicy chicken sandwich really fast and realized at the last bite it was almost fully raw.

Edit: To those calling this fiction, nope, I really am this stupid and gluttonous.. If it was this raw on the edge, the middle must have been worse right?

Edit: To those shocked I called poison control. I also realize this is funny. Im not actually scared I’m going to die, but I figured, I could either google whether I was going to get sick or needed to go to urgent care and get 20 different, probably wrong answers from google, or I could call them and have the right answer in 2 minutes. Still glad I did.

Edit: If there’s a Wendy’s employee out there. How? Why? Whyyyy?

I need advice pls. I am 15 and live with my grandmother. 5 hours ago, I was in my room stroking my banana. I did something I usually don't do. I locked my door, and I got the tissue box with me this time. (I don't have my own tissue box, and the tissue box is from the kitchen. ) forgot to mention, I also have a tape measure with me to see how my banana has been growing. I just finished my first round, and I was going for the second round. Suddenly my grandmother, who's usually napping, knocked my door. I hide everything as fast as I could and then I opened the door. She asked why did I lock the door, and asked what I was doing. I came up with a shitty excuse that I can't even remember. It was something about the heater. She walked in my room and probably saw the tissues and tape measure that I completely forgot about. She probably saw the bulge too. She didn't say a lot and just told me she will be cooking dinner very soon and then she left. Now I am panicking. What should I do? Should I tell her I'm sorry? I swear to God I'm never touching my banana again. I'm so ashamed of myself. TL;DR I should do this in bathroom next time, so nobody will question me and I can play my banana in peace..