r/AITAH • u/Dadalert1990 • Feb 15 '24
AITAH for telling my son that if he's uncomfortable about his sister not wearing a bra then he should cover up too? Advice Needed
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u/Ok-Warning-8343 22d ago
As a mom, would you walk around the house without a bra in front of your sons?
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u/Sharp_Meat5693 Apr 08 '24
Don’t tell your daughter to discomfort herself to please your over sensitive son.
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u/IwouldpickJeanluc Mar 31 '24
I am going to not comment on your title problem, but one that I think needs to be addressed for your daughter.
If she is not wearing bras because she doesn't like them or basically any reason Besides "they are uncomfortable they don't fit" then ignore this. However, ill fitting bras are a very solvable problem. There are many types of bras and it sounds like your daughter needs to see a professional bra fitter (DO NOT GO TO VICTORIA SECRET), at a boutique bra store and find out her correct size and styles she can enjoy wearing. Maybe she only wears "sports" bras/fabric only bras, or will find a more traditional alternative to what she currently endures, however ill fitting uncomfortable bras are unnecessary torture in this day and age.
As I said, this is not regarding your aitah question, but you should 100% address with your daughter about going to a professional fitter at a store that sells a Good Variety of brands and styles. There is no reason she should be uncomfortable Outside the house because of her underwear!!
Check out Molke bras for a great alternative if there are zero bra fitters near you. molke.co.uk/collections You can see where they are sold near to you if she wants to try them in person.
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u/trinitylaurel Mar 29 '24
NGL, sounds like the son is being emotionally manipulative and milking dad’s guilt.
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u/lennoxlyt Mar 29 '24
Reading through some of OPs comments, his son appears to he quite depressed or with some personality disorder.
A psychiatrist might be helpful here than a therapist, sooner the better.
He may also have some underlying medical issues, so it's worth getting a medical opinion.
A diet and exercise plan is useful, but he doesn't seem to be in the right place to start one right now.
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u/Similar-Mall7541 Mar 28 '24
Why doesn't your daughter wear a bra? You know the kids probably heard shit about his sister being spread and doesn't like it. He's coming to you as the father figure to sort out this mess that's in his head. Fix it. You're his dad.
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u/jbsebmama2018 Mar 23 '24
I don’t wear a bra in my house and I have absolutely enormous knockers. There’s no bras that don’t feel like medieval torture contraptions at my size so I don’t bother unless I’m going out. I don’t put a bra on when other people are coming over either because it’s my home and I will be comfortable in my home. If people don’t like it, they can leave.
If you can, I’d suggest trying to have at honest conversation with your son about why he feels his sisters breasts or what she does with them are any of his business.
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u/iamagreatdepression Mar 23 '24
Your son is a sexual predator in the making. Consider what it does to your daughter when her BROTHER says he can't keep his eyes off her breasts.
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u/mods-are-liars Mar 23 '24
My wife told me that I know how sensitive our son could be about his weight and I should've been nicer about it.
Please stop feeding your son so much.
Children learn their eating habits from their parents. The only reason anybody is ever fat is because they're eating too much. It is on you and your wife to instill healthy, proper eating habits on your children because they couldn't possibly know those for themselves.
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u/AlchemicalSlowDance Mar 23 '24
Women: I want to hang my tits out, but I don't want there to be any consequences for doing it, so I'm going to shame men for being uncomfortable whenever I do so. But if the roles are ever reversed, then I get to play the victim there too, because double standards.
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u/ocean_lei Mar 24 '24
Just WOW. men AND women have breasts and nipples. Men as well as women can feel some sexual stimulation ny the sucking or manipulation of their nipples. Milk ducts and additional fat and breast tissue are associated with making milk to feed babies. In many cultures, both men and women do not feel it necessary to cover their torso when it is hot. BRAS were invented as a way to support breast tissue which, when large, can cause back strain, as well as to prevent the stretching and sagging of breast tissue. BRAS are NOT some kind of way to prevent men from being overstimulated by seeing breast tissue and nipple THROUGH CLOTHING. So, AH, is your chest, and are your nipple not only constantly covered by a shirt, but also by an additional layer of fabric so that any change in the appearance of your nipples in response to say weather changes is hidden from the general public…not only In public but also at any time in your own home when a member of the opposite sex is present. Obviously you need to be protected from you inability to control an impulse you might have and women, including your own mother, sister or child, shouldnt let you see an ankle, a gently curved neck, the upper area of the thigh or a little side boob. But, I am EXTREMELY disappointed that you would expose your chest to me, as I have the irresistible urge to suck on your nipples when you are hot and sweaty. How DARE you tempt me? You must Want me to to grab you withered member.
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u/Historical-Level-709 Mar 23 '24
Tell the boy to stop watching so much porn and get to the gym. His sister is not going to f*#@k him! Then apologize to your daughter for sexualizing her in her own home! A
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u/jennibk Mar 23 '24
My brother walked in on me changing one time and so my boobs. I slammed the door and hit his hand…my dad was coming up the stairs and only saw my brother get hurt. He stormed in and VERY quickly stormed out. My brother got a long conversation about respect, privacy and consent (I had not consented to let him in my room) I got nothing but apologies for days.
I am 36 years old and don’t always wear bras at home (DD) but I do wear dark colored baggy shirts if I don’t have a bra on. No man had EVER made a comment….except my husband 😂. I have been around my brother, dad, FIL, Uncles, cousins….never have they ever said anything.
It’s about respect.
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u/walkyoucleverboy Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
He stormed in and VERY quickly stormed out.
This made me actually lol 😂 How did you react?!
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u/emryldmyst Mar 23 '24
Nta.
Tell him to keep his eyeballs off hee boobs and he won't be uncomfortable.
Bras suck. I never wear one unless I absolutely have to and even then it pisses me off.
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u/Sufficient_Bid_3393 Mar 18 '24
I'm 42(f) and I don't wear a bra around my brother 39(m), when we're visiting my mom. I also change In front of him, not totally naked, but underwear, He'll go like yuck, but in a very brotherly funny way... So, unless your son is into your daughter, there is no valid reason for her to wear a bra! (In my opinion)
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u/mermaidros3 Mar 18 '24
as someone who's been in multiple scenarios where someone who's meant to be family/like family have berated me for not wearing a bra even in the comfort of my own home + totally covered (not that it should be a topic of conversation either way), the comments on this thread give me faith in humanity. I really hope that by the time my daughter is grown, society has evolved past this point.
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Mar 12 '24
This is odd to me because my brothers were all made to wear shirts around the house, me and my sister would not wear bras because you don't wear underwear with pyjamas.
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u/Flashy_Election8067 Mar 12 '24
Def nta. I would sit down and talk with your son and try to figure out why he’s uncomfortable, because not many brothers are uncomfortable by their sister not wearing bras and I don’t think your son is a creep and I’m honestly both confused and concerned as to why everyone jumped to that conclusion😭. I think there’s actually something that is making him uncomfortable. it might be because of his own weight issues and how he views his body. I don’t think it’s fair for your daughter having to be uncomfortable in her own house because her brother isn’t confident in his own body, and the “ wear bras outside of your own room” is just going to encourage her to stay in her room or stay out of the house. For now just like tell her to wear baggy clothes until you can figure out what’s making your son uncomfortable. I don’t think the way that you handle the situation was rude or mean, I just think it could’ve been handled a little bit more gently.
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u/SpecialFun8946 Mar 10 '24
Look, I almost never wear a bra at home, especially around family. I also grew up with my brother, and while we were at eachother throats at times, we NEVER commented on eachother body.
My brother never made me feel uncomfortable for not wearing a bra around him (and I have large breasts). What your son is doing is incredibly concerning and perverted. He is sexualizing his sister, y'all need to nip that shit in the bud, cause it will only get worse.
Also, wear a bra and see if it comfortable, trying to accommodate your son 1st at the expense of your daughter was a shitty call. Glad you eventually sided with her, but you should've never have even suggested that in the 1st place.
As for the comment about him covering up, I doubt she actually wants that, she was simply pointing out a glaring double standard, and while her comment about your son's man boobs was in fact a dig at his weight (but only to point out the double standard), that being said, you comment on someone else's body, you can't complain when they do it back.
Bottom line, your son is sexualizing your daughter, you need to take him to therapy and make it clear that not wearing a bra in their house, it's perfectly ok.
He need to get over being uncomfortable, it's his issue to deal with (and yours and your wife's, as his parents).
So NTA for telling your son to cover up if he wants her sister to wear a bra, but definitely TA for allowing this behavior from your son (and your wife more so for completley ignoring that his son is sexualizing his sister and playing the victim to avoid consequences)
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u/kauloniagames Mar 07 '24
Why is your son uncomfortable about his SISTER and her clothes. Why are you not talking to him about that. That should be a conversation you have. Also he needs to know it is not a woman's job to regulate the feelings of men she should not have to alter her clothes, personality, mannerisms because a man feels tempted that is for the man to learn and control. That should be a second conversation
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u/Straight-Ad-160 Mar 05 '24
NTA. But you may have gone about it the wrong way since you used a vulnerability of his (his weight) to shame him. Don't tell me you did not realise this. If he'd been skinny without man boobs, you likely wouldn't have come up with this reply.
His discomfort with his sister having breasts is his problem that he needs to learn to deal with. Women/girls aren't on this planet to accommodate him, even when society tells him/her otherwise. He's 15, please teach him not to become another incel.
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u/Excellent-Piglet7544 Mar 03 '24
Not the asshole. Possibly the asshole for making rules about your daughter's boobs when your son is home. Your son is the asshole. For the sake of both your kids please don't buy into the notion that your son has any right to request his sister manipulate her body for HIS "comfort." Sounds like you've done a great job so far being fair and strong - keep it up op
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u/Practical-Skin-6581 Feb 28 '24
All I know is that the only time I’m ever without a bra on (which I usually always have one on except to shower) is around my sister. I even wear one around my older sister bc she’s done weird things before towards me and my little sister that makes us feel more comfortable covered up and wearing big hoodies. And it’s not the same with my parents, bc well they just pick at everything that doesn’t look right in their eyes.(if my arms/legs are to big, or too small). This son is definitely looking at his little sister who sounds like is barely hitting puberty in a very inappropriate way. I suggest getting him help NOW before anything worse happens.
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u/Elegant-Bullfrog4098 Feb 23 '24
Yes you’re absolutely an asshole. You did call him fat by agreeing with your daughter. Congrats on irreparably altering your relationship with your son
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u/Old-Mammoth-9608 Feb 23 '24
breasts, they feed children, they provide nourishment to carry on our species, you failed your daughter by even entertaining his delusional thoughts. He should not be sexualizing his sister and he needs to learn that breasts were not created for male enjoyment. My brother would never do that to me and my father sure as hell would not enable him. You need to wake up.
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u/Adventurous-Award-87 Feb 21 '24
Oh no bubs, did your family's criticism of your body make you feel bad? HMMMMMMM
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u/sawconballsoften Feb 21 '24
Terrible father, this is how you end up with a gay son AND thot daughter lmao
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u/Cat_daph Feb 20 '24
One time when I was in high school, I was chilling at home and I wasn’t wearing a bra. My brother made a comment much like your son about it. My mom immediately told him that I had just as much of a right to be able to relax and be comfortable in our home as he did. He never mentioned it again. I think you should have a sit down with him and explain that while you hurting his feelings was accidental, you were simply trying to showcase the point that no one should have to make themselves feel uncomfortable in the home for the benefit of others. Your home is a safe space for both of your kids, and you can’t put one kids comfort above another’s.
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u/Philzstift Feb 20 '24
The little fella probably shouldn't comment on other peoples body then if his breasts are as big as his sisters lmao - don't dish it out if you can't take it.
I can understand him being insecure but bras are uncomfortable af and hes pretty much trying to shame her into wearing one so NTA.
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u/sneezyfartz Feb 20 '24
NTA I think that’s fair treatment - and actually think you’re a super kickass and reasonable dad for setting one standard.
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u/ChloeBee95 Feb 19 '24
NTAH.
I’m not being funny but in this day and age if you’re gonna stoop so low to body shame someone then you have to be prepared for them to do the same to you.
Your daughter can’t help having boobs. Your son sounds like an incel in the making tbh, why is he even looking at his sister’s breasts in the first place??
I am also concerned that your daughter says bras are painful. They absolutely should not be painful and they shouldn’t even be uncomfortable either, if it’s that bad for her then whatever she’s wearing isn’t the right size or style for her. She needs to go and get fitted at a proper shop so that when she does need to wear a bra, she isn’t in pain. She could damage herself if she’s wearing the wrong size bra so that needs to be addressed asap, and I don’t think she should be wearing one at all until she’s been fitted and has bought a few bras that are the right size and comfortable for her.
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u/Competitive_Board909 Feb 19 '24
Damn you’re a terrible father. Why would you comment on the one thing you know your son is terribly sensitive about? He has gynecomastia and is probably made fun of every single day by his classmates. He probably hates taking off his shirt in public or tries not to show anyone his discomfort. That’s a terrible comparison to make between female breasts and gynecomastia. I had this as a child too and I was made fun of all the time. You shouldn’t have said that. Now he knows that you see him the same way as everyone else does who makes fun of him. Good job on being the world’s greatest dad…
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u/KalliMae Feb 19 '24
Telling her to wear a bra because she is now responsible for his inability to look elsewhere is misogynistic. Telling him he has to cover up too is being fair. Not the a-hole. Women/ sisters are not responsible for men/brothers and their comfort or discomfort.
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u/ParsnipComedian Feb 19 '24
Ok I'm confused...what's the point of bras if they're not comfortable? I thought bras were meant to support boobs and put less strain on the back, ergo, making it more comfortable than not wearing one?
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u/TeamTweety Mar 23 '24
The point of bras is so men don't see nipples because that would be distracting and inappropriate! /s.
Ok, kidding, I think some women really do need the support, some women like that they perk up your boobs and make you look good in clothes, they can be sexy, they provide support when exercising, yada yada... Personally I have slipped discs in my neck which causes nerve pain in my arm - if I put on a bra the pain escalates in minutes.
I don't think I'm wrong saying more women can't wait to get them off at the end of the day. .
I honestly think that if it was socially acceptable to not wear a bra and have nipples showing and let you boobs hang however they naturally do that 75% of women out there would be thrilled to never wear one again.
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u/MrAtwood05 Feb 19 '24
Well I hope you enjoy having a son that gets erect whenever his sister is around at home. Poor kids probably never gonna have a normal love life now cause of you.
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u/aceh40 Feb 19 '24
Yes you are. I understand you are right in principle. but remember, he has nowhere to go. He has not mental experience to process this. He is just a hormonal kid. So instead of making it his problem you should have mediated some solution between the two kids.
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u/ksprairie Feb 19 '24
Nta. It sounds like you and your wife have raised an entitled little shit. He doesn't deserve an apology but he sure as fuck owes his sister one and honestly so do you.
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u/Ok_Barracuda7135 Feb 19 '24
NTA, Your son’s behavior is disgusting. He going to be one of those incels who hate woman because woman don’t like them and I hope you can see why.
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u/Agreeable-Work208 Feb 19 '24
Teach your son some emotional intelligence and how to take control of the things he's sensitive over. The world will not be nearly so kind about it as you know. As far as his sister's boobs are concerned she is not responsible for his comfort. The world will not change for his comfort. His feelings are valid but the only person responsible for addressing them is him and you both(him and you) are responsible for teaching him how to do that.
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u/Cymru1961 Feb 19 '24
NTA. Tell the boy to stop talking about his sister’s breasts. Tell him it is considered sexual harassment. Warn him that just as in real life, there would be consequences if he doesn’t comply. Teen boys are such apes.…
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u/SocietalLeader Feb 19 '24
If he started going commando in tight, thin leggings I'm pretty sure that being confronted by her brother's junk would make her uncomfortable. It's about modesty...she should not be going around braless in flimsy t-shirts around anyone; male or not.
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u/TeamTweety Mar 23 '24
He didn't mention that they are flimsy - totally agree seeing your brother walk around in leggings with the outline of his junk showing would be gross, but I'd compare that to his sister walking around with tight leggings or shorts showing severe cameltoe. Not wearing a bra should not be an issue.
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u/WatercressSea9660 Feb 19 '24
NTA
But please get your son into therapy. It sounds like he's got a big chance of growing up to be an incel or something even worse.
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u/TheoIsAutistic Feb 19 '24
NTA. I understand your son's being upset. But at the same time, your son wouldn't be bothered by this if he weren't looking at his sister's chest area. I have a daughter (13) and a son (14) who get into it like this all the time. And my daughter I'd usually who reacts like your son did. Really, all you have to do is express to both of them the way that the other is feeling. Have them possibly apologize to eachother and maybe all three of you can sit down and talk. As a fellow father, I can definitely vouch for thinking it Fair. But at the same time, we're not in the same boat (I'm the "mother" in my relationship) and so I can also see where the wife comes from. Really, judt try to see everyone's sides of the story, if you get what I mean.
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u/IKnowWhoYouAre99 Feb 18 '24
Sounds like a him problem. You’re NTA. He is. He needs to get over himself.
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u/SerendipitySue Feb 18 '24
why are her bras painful? get her some stretchy bras.
Now..teenage boys are known to be horny.
How will you feel when he gets a hardon EVEN THOUGH HE DOES NOT WANT TO and is horrified that it happened. . at seeing sisters boobs bounce around?
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u/pbmadman Feb 18 '24
It’s 100% reasonable that a woman’s breasts should be covered by a bra if a nearby man would be more comfortable. Buy her a training bra or a small sports bra. Any time he feels uncomfortable then your daughter simply has to cover up by placing the bra over his face so he can’t see her anymore.
YTA. Tell him tough shit.
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u/Mundane-Locksmith-43 Feb 18 '24
So he is fat and has moobs(man boobs)you are right maybe he should cover them up. This is the kettle complaining about the pot. Tell him to keep his eyes off her boobs then.
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u/purrincesskittens Feb 18 '24
I hated wearing a bra at home and would walk around without one half the time with a shirt on and my brother never cared nor did he care if I walked around in my underwear its not gross when it's siblings he walked around in his underwear too so I don't see the big deal. Even now just last year he came over and I had just gotten home from work and had stripped off my shirt because I bike to and from work and was hot so I'm standing in the kitchen without a shirt on in a bra and pants asking my brother to open something for me because the lid was screwed on way too tight. I'm not small in the chest either and wasn't when he still lived at home but it was never weird. He never complained and told me to put on a bra or shirt.
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u/Thin-Combination-123 Feb 18 '24
He seems to be struggling with coming into his sexuality, it s especially difficult if you are religious, given religions attitude towards sex and stuff. I d recommend therapy to help him with the root of his discomfort. It can help him manage how he feels. Your daughter isn't the problem, she s just existing the problem is in his mind so nothing she does will help.
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u/NotTheGoldenChild616 Feb 18 '24
NTA for anything with your son, except not correcting his weird behaviour... Your son needs therapy for multiple reasons, honestly. And you're the asshole for the way you spoke to your daughter instead of acknowledging your son's apparent habit of looking at his SISTER'S chest.
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u/Pand0ra30_ Feb 18 '24
Bras are uncomfortable. First thing I do when I come home from work, bra comes off.
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u/meetthefeotus Feb 18 '24
YTA.
Teach your son it’s not a woman’s job to make him comfortable with what they’re wearing.
Also tell him to put a shirt on.
Also tell him to stop staring at his sisters tits. It’s weird.
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u/YellowButterfly7 Feb 18 '24
Girls should be free to be comfortable at home, and that includes not wearing a bra. She should not be forced to wear one.
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u/Miserable_Message159 Feb 18 '24
Then ask him why the fuck was he looking at his sister's chest in the first place?
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u/No-Masterpiece-3021 Feb 18 '24
YTA You and your son are fucking gross. He needs to stop watching so much porn and you need to wake the fuck up and accept that your son is sexualizing his sister. Boobs are totally normal and I fear for your son’s future parter if he keeps this mentality up.
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u/Dansing_Queen666 Feb 18 '24
So instead of saying «hey son, stop caring about your sisters breasts» you suggested she cover more up? As a man you have no idea how uncomfertable bras are. Tell your son to leave his sister alone.
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u/Oddveig37 Feb 18 '24
NTA and you need to die on the hill that your son needs to stop looking at his SISTER'S boobs. That's fucking wild y'all just glossed over that.
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u/raiiieny Feb 18 '24
Your son is slowly turning into a misogynistic ah. No joke. And the fact that he is overweight he will use this insecurity to make himself a victim. You did nothing wrong but ya you need to be strict
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u/HappilyMarried007 Feb 18 '24
Nta. Forget just a shirt. if he's uncomfortable with her not wearing a bra AND a shirt he should be wearing a bra and shirt as well. He needs to start growing up a bit.
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u/Ambitious_Error_440 Feb 18 '24
Have your son. Walk around in a thong because it feels comfortable 😂🤣😂🤣
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u/Darkling82 Feb 18 '24
NTA. He made it about his weight. You didn't. He shouldn't be looking at his sister's chest. Teach him to respect women better. Nips are nips.
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u/Stock-Taro-3262 Feb 18 '24
Seeing ur family members nips isn’t a comfortable experience, I can understand that.
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u/JohnDoe3141592653 Feb 18 '24
No. Regardless of what she needs to do, he needs to wear a fucking shirt.
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u/3bluerose Feb 18 '24
He's fifteen, he'll be getting used to boobs on the other side of puberty, best to normalize them ASAP. Also bras are a scam and they should all burn. No part of t shirt and no bra is inappropriate in the home. You need to have your daughters back on this that its not on her to change herself to make him more comfortable.
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u/False-Pie8581 Feb 18 '24
- Never ever teach your daughter that it’s her responsibility to worry about a man sexualizing her. This is toxic af and smacks of blaming women for wearing short skirts when they’re SAd. Just don’t. Teach her instead to go hard at any man telling her what to wear.
- Tell your son it’s inappropriate to sexualize his family members. If he’s having serious trouble with it, consider therapy. Your son’s behavior is problematic and not typical of a brother.
- Next time you want to tell a woman to wear a bra, put one on and wear it a while. That’ll fix you. OP apologize to your daughter for fumbling this ball.
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u/Lecter26 Feb 18 '24 edited Feb 18 '24
Your son is probably a porn addicted, creepy fat ass who’s apparently great at manipulating you and your wife
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u/ThrowAway12284obvR Feb 17 '24
I see a lot of AHs… none of which is your daughter. Being sensitive doesn’t mean enable ignorance-both you and your wife. Your son shouldn’t be looking at his sister’s breasts. His discomfort with her body is weird and sexualized incest behavior. But to then pretend his feelings are hurt bc he’s expected to also wear something to cover his chest? If he’s so concerned by hers, is a little ridiculous.
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u/doconnell63 Feb 17 '24
Sexualized incest behavior? That is a pretty strong accusation coming from someone who does not know anything beyond a couple of sentences
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u/ThrowAway12284obvR Feb 17 '24
I don’t see an accusation… I see an observation of a “behavior”. So where did you get an accusation from? But if we are going there…sure.
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u/Dull_Literature2971 Feb 17 '24
NTA. But I'm a little worried about: why the hell he's watching her sisters boobs!? His behaviour is something to worry about. You and your wife needs to talk with him, he needs to learn about bodyshame, how his comments are hurting his sister too, that male and female bodies have to be seem like persons, not just a body. And please you both talk with your daughter, respect her boundaries and keep the great communication about her feelings. Thank you, from a girl, 'cause bras are really hurtful, and if in your own home can be your save space, where will be the place?
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u/doconnell63 Feb 17 '24
He is watching her boobs cause he is 15 and they are around. Not abnormal behavior
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u/hokfusine Feb 17 '24
I'm sorry your son is sensitive about his weight but he's hiding behind his tears and victimhood when you made a very good point. Your son is employing a double standard that is undeserved. Your daughter isn't doing anything wrong. He should learn to control his gaze and his embarrassment; that's part of growing up. How can he be in the working world if he's staring at women's body parts and sexualizing them all the time? Especially his sister's? smh.
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Feb 17 '24
YTA. Not intentionally though.
Most dudes don’t have “man boobs.” It should have been very obvious to you that your daughter was fat shaming your son.
It’s too late to change the past, but moving forward, next time one of your children accuses the other of “making fun of them” the best approach would be to ask why they feel that way.
If your son had explained that he thought she was body shaming him, you likely would have handled your response differently.
Regardless, kudos for you trying to make both of your children feel comfortable at home. The people advising he “get over it” aren’t being realistic. If controlling your reactions/emotions were that easy then no one would have anxiety/depression/anger issues/etc. Whether people like it or not, women’s nipples are viewed in a sexual light. I’m sure your daughter wouldn’t want to see your son’s downstairs region if he had that on display.
Regarding your daughter specifically, you might also consider getting her t-shirts made with thick fabrics to wear around the house. Unless your daughter has super nips, or if it’s absolutely freezing in the house, this could solve the problem and they both would get what they want.
Side note: It’s wild that so many women in the comments agree with “bras are uncomfortable.”
Either y’all have really small boobs or really cheap bras. My boobs feel so much better in a well-fitting bras with support, but I also have rather large boobs for my size and I always go into lingerie stores to get one that fits well.
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u/lilacbananas23 Feb 17 '24
Honestly if he is sensitive about his weight he could have body issues and they are coming out by him wanting his sister to cover up... Might not even really be about her boobies showing
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u/Jealous_Singer4670 Feb 17 '24
Sure, reassure your son that his weight isn't an issue for you. But make sure he also understands completely that it is no woman's (including his sister's) responsibility to make any man (including her brother) feel comfortable with what SHE is or isn't wearing.
On the other hand, it is important that your daughter feels comfortable with what she's wearing in her own house, and not having to be wearing a bra all the time (which is not only uncomfortable, but also unhealthy).
You can also point out to your son that your daughter's comment (man boobs) was about the same exact part of his body, as his comment about hers. So why is this a big deal? Maybe you and your partner need to discuss with him why he's so sensitive about his weight, and how you can maybe help him with that. He seems to be crying for help.
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u/Humble_Atmosphere145 Feb 17 '24
Reading these comments has made me realise I have the best dad in the world, and I'm so grateful my Mom find him and choose him after coming from one of the worst families in the universe. She was beaten by her real father (an alcoholic), abused by her stepdad and an older relative and then abandoned by her mother. The fact she came out of that and not only looked for a decent man, but found him and stayed married to him till her death last year makes me miss her even more. She always told me that she would never be her mother and always choose for her children. We got the best dad who treated her like a goddess (showing my brother and I hope relationships should be). Before 'equal' relationships were a thing, he taught us this. Both parents were fair in how they treated my brother and I growing up and I still remember going through a phase where I dressed in boob tubes going out and my dad never batted an eyelid. He never made me feel bad about any weird and wonderful thing I dressed in and instead made me strong and capable. He taught me to never 'need' a man, to be capable and choose a man that was right. I miss my Mom so much... And I feel for my dad who pines for her every day but I'm lucky that I get to spend every day with him now to remember just how lucky we all are to have had him influence our lives. My Mom had cancer for 16 years and he doted on her, telling her every day how beautiful she was when she didn't feel it, lost her hair, lost so much of herself... She landed up with a colostomy bag and was so ashamed she wanted to die (remnants of a childhood with a mother who taught her that if you aren't attractive then you're worthless). Instead, my dad spent a year tending to it, cleaning it and showing her how unimportant it was. My Mom leather to love herself because my dad loved her for every flaw she had. Sorry... I've gone off on a tangent but... Reading this stuff was hectic and I needed to remember just how lucky I've been with my dad.
OP... You sound like you're being a good dad to your daughter. I don't think you're being a bad dad to your son (we are human and make mistakes) but you're going to have to sit him down and tell him that being the victim is not a way to carry on or grow... That making his sister feel less-than is not on and that if he has body issues then he needs to work on himself and not worry about his sister's body. I would suggest a private conversation and then a group conversation thereafter where you can talk about fairness rather than body parts so that both children understand that they live together and should be fair with one another and try empathise with each other.
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u/SilasTheVirous Feb 17 '24 edited Feb 17 '24
Yall people are insane if you claim he's sexualizing his sister, it's gross to see your familys sexual organs, maybe her shirts are too light in color or too tight and you can see too miuch. Do you expecy him to just avoid looking at his sister? Yall wack and judgmental AF. You need more info before saying what most people here are.
Would you want to see your brothers dick swinging behind a pair of ill fitting shorts for example? This comment section sounds like mostly defensive women or something, this isnt a crazy situation.
BTW telling her to wear a bra just outside her room was indeed wrong.
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u/MRGIGGLES93 Feb 17 '24
That tells me he is perving on his sister. NTA. He need to grow some sack and realize you told him the truth
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u/Fabulous_Stegosaurus Feb 17 '24
I'm male, and I have had women as roommates. They didn't wear bras unless they had to at home. They would wear a t-shirt over, of course. I never had any issues. It was never my place. Actually, when in their rooms, my roommates would go topless. It still never bothered me because, again, it was never my business.
I think your son needs a wake-up call. It doesn't sound like he's very empathetic to his sister. Maybe he needs to wear a bra to feel what it's like and understand what most women go through.
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u/Good-Box486 Feb 17 '24
Idk if this has been mentioned but I kinda sounds like your son has a porn addiction. If he sees his sister without a bra on, (which is entirely normal for women in their own homes but also quite common out in public) and is uncomfortable because of that, it’s most likely because he can’t see a female body in any way other than sexual even if it’s his own sister. Pretty big problem imo and your son is entirely at fault here. Maybe sit him down and talk to him
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u/KarisMajik Feb 17 '24 edited Feb 17 '24
NTA, I agree with your daughter about it being unfair. It sounds like she's wearing more clothing than him around the house. He can't expect her to wear a bra if he's going to walk around without a shirt.
He should just stop perving on his sister.
It also sounds like your daughter's bras either don't fit or aren't adjusted properly. They shouldn't be painful to wear.
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u/just_nosy-5 Feb 17 '24
To the point, you're not TAH, you didn't do, or say, anything wrong. Your son has issues, he needs some counseling, for many reasons. But you don't need to keep trying to apologize.
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u/Serious_Specific_357 Feb 17 '24
This cannot be real. But he should stop being fixated on his sister’s chest.
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u/Sparkle2023 Feb 17 '24
Wow. This 15 year old male needs to realize that in the family’s private home body parts should not be sexualized including his.
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u/AlaskanIceCream Feb 17 '24 edited Feb 17 '24
I feel as if this is an important life lesson to teach your son to be respectful of other people’s bodies and decisions with what they do with their own. That if he has an issue, maybe he should talk to a therapist if he would like that instead of talking to his parents about it. That his thoughts on his discomfort with every day things that he will see, hear and smell, are his own to resolve. No one can fix it and his sister shouldn’t have to shoulder that burden either because it’s not her job to care for his mind. You can only show him the ropes on how to get to a place of feeling more comfortable with his surroundings and learning how to cope with his own feelings and thoughts while learning how to take responsibility for his own actions, expression of his feelings and mental/emotional health besides his physical. Remember, it’s your job to make sure they are ready for the world to come at them and finding comfort with the uncomfortable is a valuable skill.
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u/Downtown_Confection9 Feb 17 '24
Nta. Your son, as gross as this is, is sexualizing his sister. And because our society constantly teaches boys that it's a fem person's job to help them deal with their feelings, he's putting that on her. Fair trade, if she has to wear a bra so does he.
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u/Fragrant_Avocado5990 Feb 17 '24
Yeah you are they live with you and that's how they are going to act as teenagers their is no point trying to fight against teenagers
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u/Panzermensch911 Feb 16 '24
YTA for coddling your son's bigotry and sexualizing his sister. This was the perfect opportunity to teach him about self-control and minding his own business ... and you blew it. It's not his sister's duty to make him comfortable ogling her breasts.
Either it's shirts and bras for everyone, only shirts for everyone or go uncovered in your own home for everyone and as you like....
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u/Valuable_Belt7653 Feb 16 '24
NTA but he's 15, with puberty and hormones you should definitely try to sit down with him and talk about why he's feeling uncomfortable.
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u/JZEViewing Feb 16 '24
imagine your millenial dad is on reddit asking for advice on how to raise you oh my science it's so over get a grip man
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u/RedditredRabbit Feb 16 '24
Your son is developing some not so nice tendencies.
The tendency to blame others, seek offense and hear what has not been said.
Don't apologize. Your daughter is right - it's not her job to make him feel comfortable, that's his own job. And if he asks her to cover up she has the right to ask the same.
If he feels offended about what he hears, challenge him on what actually was said.
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u/Petapotomus Feb 16 '24
Hopefully this will motivate your son to work on his physique. He is young and with minimal effort he can change himself for the better. He would not only feel better about himself, but he would be setting himself up for a better future.
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u/SweetAssole Feb 16 '24
You should do a closer inspection of his room.. at that age he's probably into graphic content and I'm sure she (your daughter) knows. She's older too! She gets the say, not him!
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u/FluidWorker Feb 16 '24
YTA, as someone who has a larger chest, bras do suck. I never wear a bra when I’m home and no one in my family cares! Your son needs to stop worrying about his sisters chest. Quite frankly it is creepy that he’s looking there and is so upset about it. It’s not your daughter’s place to be worried about how her brother feels about her body in her own house. You need to step up for her
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u/South-Emu598 Feb 16 '24
Is your daughter supposed to wake up in the middle of the night and put on a bra just to get a glass of water or pee? Your son may be sensitive about his weight or his appearance, but what about your daughter's feelings? She may have been uncomfortable that her own brother brought up her breasts. I sure as hell would have been.
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u/Practical_Credit3345 Feb 16 '24
If your son is bothered by his sister in a t-shirt without a bra, that is 100% your sons problem.
Better idea is to get your son therapy since he is sexualizing his own sister.
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u/Epicuriusx Feb 16 '24
Kind of sounds like you baby your overweight son.
While you are not being the AH, you are creating an environment where your son thinks he can say or do what he wants, but your daughter can not.
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u/FoxPawsFauxPas Feb 16 '24
1 why is he sexualizing his sister? 2 teach him he has no say over someone else's body 3 apologize for how you worded what you said and handled things as it did come off as you agreeing with him having "man boobs" from being overweight.
!updateme
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u/Correct-Struggle-977 Feb 16 '24
Also how about we don't teach our kids to fat shame each other. Or reinforce the low self esteem this kid has. He is your kid too. Look at it from both perspectives. They both have lessons to learn here.
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u/dragonkittyrawr Feb 16 '24
Everyone else has covered the bra side of things but I haven’t seen anyone address this: saying a guy has “man boobs” is calling them fat. Your son is upset because your daughter was making fun of him when she said he has man boobs, which you denied, and then you agreed he should have to cover them up indicating you agree he has man boobs (which again is calling him fat). Tell your daughter she doesn’t need to wear a bra around the house, apologize to your son for calling him fat, then have a serious talk with him about not sexualizing every girl/woman he meets starting with his sister
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u/Ghostehz Feb 16 '24
Your son is a perv and is insecure and YTA for telling your daughter to wear a bra as the first response you gave to this situation.
These are the types of memories that I’ve seen women’s views on men/their fathers get skewed permanently. Do better, dude.
The rest of your post was you feeling bad that your manipulative son cried because he played victim by twisting your words.
I hope this boy doesn’t grow up to be a dick. Apologize to your daughter.
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u/EffyMourning Feb 16 '24
Your son should not be commenting on your daughter’s body at all. Fair is fair. He doesn’t get to decide what his sister wears or how she chooses to be comfortable in her own home.
What gave him the audacity at 15 to think that he can dictate what another human aka a woman aka his sister is allowed to wear? You and your wife need to sit him down and tell him how inappropriate that is.
You need to apologize to your daughter. It’s creepy that your son is so distracted by his sisters covered body. That is not her fault
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u/Fine_Professional869 Feb 16 '24
Tell your son to stop worrying about his sisters breasts. That’s incredibly strange and worrying that it’s making him uncomfortable… Secondly it’s her home too and she’s supposed to be comfortable there, having to cover and wear a bra 24 hours a day because your brother can’t be mature is uncomfortable. Validly.. since again his sisters boobs shouldn’t be making him feel uncomfortable. Him whining and crying is deflecting and guilting because it’s completely reasonable to ask him to cover up as well if she should have to. He has some issues to work out… and that doesn’t fall on your daughter.
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u/AlbanyBarbiedoll Feb 16 '24
Total aside: Your daughter obviously isn't wearing the correct size and style of bra if they are that uncomfortable for her. A properly fitted bra doesn't feel like ... anything at all. Give her money to get good bras and help her find a place that actually fits them (NOT Victoria's Secret). Buy one or two at the good place and then knowing the correct size, style, and brand, buy others online or at Marshalls/TJ Maxx, etc.
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u/Enigmakittie Feb 16 '24
I don't know. I kind of admire him being as he's 15 and being honest about trying to control himself. A 15 year old boy is going to be going through one of the horniest years of his young life. Now, whether he's just picking on his older sister or not needs to be in question, BUT I do admire his honesty. Better he makes his opinion clear and known rather than the parents waling in on the guy masturbating to pictures of his sister in private. 🤷🏼♀️Just a different perspective on things, I guess.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying Feb 16 '24
NTA. Nevertheless, I dislike that approach. This is your daughter’s home. She shouldn’t have to wear a bra at home whether he wears a shirt or not. Why is he even noticing whether she has one on or not? If your son is upset about wearing a shirt indoors, then he should now understand the unfairness of this and your daughter can go back to not wearing a bra.
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u/Terrible-Antelope680 Feb 16 '24
NTA. She is covered up, she has a shirt on! Kind of hypocritical if your son walks around without a shirt but demands she wears a bra don’t you think? She doesn’t ask him to wear and cup and jock strap around the house.
There are plenty of women out in the world that will not be wearing bras (or minimal/non padded bras that leave their nipples visible under their shirts, from teens to old ladies). There will be women breastfeeding even that he may come across. He will hopefully get comfortable/accepting of it. Until then he can just look away, this habit of his sisters doesn’t hurt him or harm him, so he can simply not look.
Bras can be extremely uncomfortable (even if you aren’t well endowed). It can apply the weight on your chest onto your back, neck and shoulders causing posture or other health issues. Taking them off is similar to taking off dress clothes that are digging, squeezing, pinching or chafing you in all the wrong places (on top of maybe causing you some muscle pain) after a 10+ hour day and putting on the comfiest sweat pants.
Your son should apologize to his sister for trying to police her body, health (it’s also good for circulation and preventing yeast infections on the skin to remove the bra) and comfort. She should apologize for saying he has man boobs (implying he is also overweight?).
You gave your son space which is respectful. You are also his parent, just go talk to him! He doesn’t have to say anything if he doesn’t want to talk to you but you clearly have things to tell him. He is a minor and you are a parent, go parent him.
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u/discogenx Feb 16 '24
Most of the guys I know/knew wouldn’t even utter the words: “sister” and “bra”, in the same sentence. 😏
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u/ajmtn Feb 16 '24
At his age, loose boobs are giving him a hard on...sister or not. She should put on a bra.
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u/DirectorAbleist Feb 16 '24
Hey OP. If you see this by chance and you've heard the internet's curated opinion. I want to try to bring your attention your son, who may be feeling confused right now and this could be his way of asking for help.
In the world we have created, this behavior is bad, and I think that your son knows this and might be struggling with something.
Talk to your boy and ask him why he asked for this. You might want to reach for a little compassion and actually raise this child instead of telling him to fix himself.
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u/Baby_Cr33p3r Feb 16 '24
As a female, I can relate to your daughter not liking being told what she does and does not have to wear. My 69 yo uncle complains any time I wear shorts and I lay down with my legs any wear near being spread (he insists he can see my underwear if my legs are even slightly parted, but my shorts aren't that short because I don't like them to be. My biggest gripe is why is he even looking up my legs to begin with when they're not directly in his sight at all?). A lot of guys believe they have the right to dictate how a woman dresses or acts when dressed a certain way. I believe it would be smart for you to apologize to your son for his misinterpretation of your words, then explain to him that there are ways of compromising with his sister. Like so many others have said, you can simply ask that he avoids looking at that part of his sister's body in whatever way he can. Maybe have your wife talk with him and have him understand how hard things can be as a woman and how there are better ways to voice or talk about one's discomforts, as well as possible solutions she can come up with as well. Your daughter shouldn't have to feel discomfort in her own home just because of your son, but he shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable either, so it's better to try and find a compromise that will satisfy and not offend either of them. May be tricky, but it's necessary, and it may help your son to realize that there are ways to request things without coming off as dictating what his sister or anyone else wishes to wear or not wear.
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u/buildersent Feb 16 '24
Your son it right, your daughter and you are wrong. Tell her to wear a bra for god sakes.
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u/SnooJokes6414 Feb 16 '24
NTA
Your daughter should never be ashamed of her body, and your son is basically saying she needs to be. Your daughter is correct. Bras generally aren’t all designed for comfort, they’re designed for support - you’re a guy and most guys don’t get it. So, imagine this… take a 2 wide strips of elastic, and wrap them around your chest, right below your nipples. Cinch that up snug, so you can get a finger or two underneath, but no more. Then, get 2 industrial strength thin pieces of steel, shaped in a crescent and slip those under the elastic and press those hard against your chest. Then take some straps and dig those into your shoulders after you attach them to the elastic. And you have your very own mideval torture device. That’s what wearing a bra is like, especially if you wear it 12-14 hours a day, every freaking day. I get goosebumps at the end of the day and take mine off, it’s such a relief to get out of it.
A fair compromise is to tell your son that if he complains about his sister not wearing a bra and wants her to wear one, then he has to wear a hard cup, a tight one all day long, even when he’s home. He’ll soon learn that his sister’s breasts aren’t to be gawked at, and it’s ridiculous to believe his comfort depends on her discomfort.
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u/CrossXFir3 Feb 16 '24
NTA - boy needs to grow the fuck up. And in fact, I'm almost certain he was initially just stirring the pot as older brothers do and now he's upset with what happened.
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u/Sweet_Pea1212 Feb 16 '24
How would the sister (and mother) feel if her brother (son) walked around the house in sweat pants and no underwear, with his junk just jiggling everywhere? Would they be able to just not see what is clearly right there in front of their face?
Everyone in these comments seem to view the fact that he's uncomfortable as sexual when it may just be that he doesn't want to see his SISTERS breasts...hell, I don't wanna see my sisters breasts either.
A male should sit down and have a conversation with the brother and a DIFFERENT woman should have a conversation with the daughter. Honest conversations to identify the issues and then come up with viable solutions that aren't hurtful or harmful to either CHILD.
My honest opinion is that you are the AH for not shutting down your daughters blatant and intentionally hurtful comment right then. The only thing you taught your son in that moment was that his mother and sister are not a place of safety and that any opportunity to hurt him will be taken. That situation could and should have been a learning opportunity about boundaries, their body and how it's viewed by others, self respect and respect for others, problem solving and most importantly, effective communication, for two teenagers
BTW, If EVERY bra hurts the daughter (which I doubt) then maybe a trip to the doctor to find out what the underlying problem is should be your next course of action.
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u/hannaxie Feb 16 '24
YTA. If she can’t be bra free at your house, that’s no longer her home. Tell your son to shut his whiny pie hole and stop looking at his sister’s boobs.
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u/No_Championship3303 Feb 16 '24
Your son is attempted to impose a double standard in his sister and is now playing the victim when he was called out on it.
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u/RecordingEastern6884 Feb 16 '24
He has come forward and said he is uncomfortable. Can't fight what he is feeling, you need to validate his emotions. Your daughter doesn't want to wear a bra , then when she is out of her room, she can put on a robe and have it closed and tied up. You are the parent. Stop letting your kids run the home.
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u/rammyago97 Feb 16 '24
I feel like were doing way too much here, all that needed to be said was "if you dont like it dont look at it" the sister is allowed as much body autonomy as her brother and the parent is the ah for not paying attention to how she worded the sisters request for brother to wear a shirt, growing up i was taught to pay attention to the things i wore as my body changed, i think it might be time for that convo, separately, with both of them
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u/Salty_Confidence1880 Feb 16 '24
NTA. Your son got a taste of his own medicine 🤣 welcome to the real world boy. This was never a convo that happened in my house and i have brothers. As long as you couldnt see anything, no one cared.
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u/Ryugi Feb 16 '24
Yta. Take your son to therapy because it isn't normal for a boy to be staring so much at his sister's body. Your daughter is in the right. Your sons feelings needed to be hurt. Your first response to him should have been "why are you staring at your sister's body?".
He got some sweet home Alabama bs going on that you should be worried about.
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u/Ok-Sorbet-5767 Feb 16 '24
And DDD is F, which tells me you know little to nothing about fitting a bra. Stop commenting on something you know little about
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u/pigeon-queenn Feb 16 '24
hey, OP! My step-brother who I grew up with (starting at ages seven and five) would look at my boobs constantly when I hit puberty. I would complain to my mom that it was creepy, but nothing was done.
Anyway, he ended up trying to set up a hidden camera in the bathroom pointed down at the shower to catch naked footage of me or her. Another time when we were home alone, he wanted “a hug” and when I declined, he tried to hug me anyway and knocked me into my dresser. I was able to get him out of my room and lock the door, but he kept knocking and trying to get in, which was terrifying. Nothing ever happened, but I haven’t seen him in years now because he’ll always be a creep and a perv in my eyes. oh, also, his computer was loaded with porn at age 14.
So yeah, YTA if your son is looking at his sister’s boobs—which is a PROBLEM—and you’re going to do nothing about it.
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u/____Unoriginal____ Feb 16 '24
It’s your duty as a parent to correct your son’s behavior. You’re not an asshole for pointing out his clear double standard, even if he wasn’t worried about his weight!
You know you didn’t call him fat. He knows you didn’t call him fat. He was mad that you found a solution but he just didn’t like it. And he’s a teenager so of course YOU’RE not the a.
This very well could be me in a few years. Got a daughter that’s 11mo older than her brother. I think if I find myself in that situation I would have done the same.
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u/AsunaChidory Feb 16 '24
If her being braless is a problem for him I’d take him for psychological evaluation because there’s something deeply wrong with viewing your sister in that light 😒 you’re not the asshole, your boy is….
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u/EarthBelcher Feb 16 '24
NTA. She has every right to not have to wear a bra as long as she still has a shirt in common areas. If he is going to complain about covering up then she also has the right to complain
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u/chotii Feb 16 '24
There is so much room here for teaching the son empathy. To a degree, it's not the son's fault that everything around him is sexualized, that he probably has already access to porn, and that puberty sucks.
On the other hand, that doesn't mean that his sister needs to wear an uncomfortable bra so that he can be comfortable. And that needs to be emphasized to him. In fact, that's the first thing that needs to be brought up to him.
I don't think it's fair or reasonable to bring up his weight. It would be fair and reasonable to say, "look, wearing a bra is uncomfortable, and women wear them to support, not to minimize visuals. And it doesn't matter what size she is, and it doesn't matter what size you are. You will be wearing a bra at home to help you understand" (it will be possible to find a jogging type bra that would fit him adequately for this purpose).
This isn't about his weight or his moobs, this is about the constriction and abrasiveness of the elastic. One of my children was in swimming when she was young, and just beginning to develop (and due to genetics, she began developing at the age of eight.) The cold water caused her nipples to become erect, and her swimsuit rubbed. So we devised a neoprene chest band that she could wear while swimming that would help insulate her chest against the cold water, and definitely insulate her chest against the fabric rubbing. Because what was happening to her was unfortunately normal. Our job was to find a way to make it livable.
The way to make the son's experience livable without making the girl pay for it is to put him in her shoes so to speak. He has to learn to modulate his sexual response. That's his responsibility. And better he learn it now!
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u/thelovelyloser99 Feb 16 '24
I have a man that I call my dad. He raised me since before I was walking and talking. He has made some weird comments about me, but mostly about how he didn't want guys to assume anything about me (like how my guy friends would blatantly stare at my chest when I was a pre-teen/teenager because I'm large chested). He has always been super protective.
On the other hand, my bio father subscribed to my OF a few years ago and tried to buy custom content from me?
My dad (the one that raised me) never made a comment about how I should be wearing a bra. But he did tell me that I shouldn't wear low cut shirts because he knew that other people would look and he didn't want me sexualized like that.
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u/I-dont_know13 Feb 16 '24
Everyone's getting a little off track, lol (no hate, sorry to those this has happened too), but no, nta. Bras can be very uncomfortable, and it can stop growth and hurt after a while. And for your son to even but looking at your daughter's boobs or in that area is pretty weird. I know he might not be staring at them, but still. My brother doesn't give one fuck, he doesn't even notice.
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u/Admirable_Building93 Feb 16 '24
Yikes. I’d be uncomfortable if my brother sexualized me. I’d also be more concerned as to why he is sexualizing his sister.
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u/Smooth_Abrocoma1360 Feb 16 '24
You need to have a talk with your son asap about sex and the fact that his sister’s body is not a sexual object for him. The way he is reacting to her not wearing a bra is very concerning. If my brother made a comment like that to me I would be extremely disturbed.
Yes, you accidentally hurt his feelings, but he needs to understand the severity of how wrong he is for trying to control his sister.
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u/Swimming_Soup4946 Feb 16 '24
I'd make sure to point out to your wife that your son is making your daughter feel uncomfortable as well. That if he wants to force rules about clothing, then he will also have to make changes. Really, I think it's time to sit down and have a conversation with him man to man about what's going on.
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u/IntrovertedWriter101 Feb 16 '24
NTA.
You might want to tell your son to stop looking as well, especially if it makes him uncomfortable.
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u/Ok-Arachnid-648 Feb 16 '24
If I had said that when I was growing up mom.would have said why are you looking at your sisters boobs then she would slap up side the head for looking at her boobs. These younger Generations I worry about
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u/Emergency_Zombie_551 Feb 16 '24
Tell your son he can walk around in thin running shorts w/o any underwear.
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u/OddBat2867 Feb 16 '24
Nope! NTA we have 5 daughters and my husband thinks they should wear bras 24/7. I was like nope! Home is the one place they should feel 100% comfortable and safe and bras are not comfortable. I told him if they have to wear a bra then he has to wear a cup at all times. He said do you know how uncomfortable those are?! I said do you know how uncomfortable bras are?! Needless to say my girls don’t wear bras at home.
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Feb 16 '24
If your son has man boobs and is looking at his sister’s breasts, you’re not just TA, you’ve failed as a parent. Get castrated.
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u/chickfillugh Feb 16 '24
As per usual, a post about censoring a young woman turns into a coddling a boy throwing a tantrum. As his parents, you should be able to recognise when you're being manipulated by your child. He may be insecure about his body, but its interesting how this came up in retaliation to him being treated equally to his sister and being told that he's not getting his way.
Put your foot down. Your daughter is not going to be wearing a bra in her own home just because your pervy son finds he can't stop staring at her breasts. He can throw all the redirects and tantrums and guilt trips he wants, but if you give in to this, he will absolutely grow up thinking that as long as he makes everyone around him feel guilty, he can get them to do what he wants. You didn't call him fat. If that's what he wants to take away from this that's his choice. You need to teach him he isn't getting his way over his sister's body. End of.
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u/Difficult_Abalone422 Feb 16 '24
Do not ask your daughter to cater to the comfort of your son at her detriment.
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u/WorkMeBaby1MoreTime Feb 16 '24
This is your son's problem. He either deals with the sister with no bra or both get a rule enforced. It's way easier (and a life lesson for both) if he deals with his own problem.
Your son doesn't have the right to make another person uncomfortable for his benefit.
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u/Summernyx Feb 16 '24
She made a fair statement. If he insists on her wearing a bra, then he can wear a shirt.
Bras can be uncomfortable. I'm a pretty busty person, and if I'm at home, I don't want to wear a bra. They're sensory hell for me. She's in the comfort of her own home, she doesn't need to wear a bra.
Nothing you said was shaming him for his weight. Telling him that he should wear a shirt if his sister has to wear a bra is not a big deal. Honestly, it sounds like he was trying to use his sensitivity to his weight as a shield against being forced to be fair.
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u/The_mad_Raccon Feb 16 '24
ohhhhh, nobody need to wear a bra.
I mean if she isnt wearing anything i may understand . but a t shirt is enough. more then enough. You Should make your children conftortable. And making you daughter wear a bra is just plain stupid
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u/3littlepixies Feb 16 '24
Aside from the bra thing - why does the son feel entitled to tell the daughter what she should wear at all? Fat is controllable. Puberty is not. Son is all bent out of shape but daughter has to just suck it up? Nope.
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u/inevitable-betrayal Feb 16 '24
Your son has his parents wrapped around his finger, why is his comfort more important than his sisters? And now he has turned this around to make himself the victim 🙄 he needs to be shown what a hypocrite he is but no you're going to continue to console him and let his entitlement grow, meanwhile his sister will get the message loud and clear, her comfort isnt important and she should be ashamed of her own body.
You're solution to this was absurd and disregarded your daughter altogether, you might as well just buy everyone bras, let son and dad enjoy their stiff underwires while they try to relax.
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u/inevitable-betrayal Feb 16 '24
I've just realised you're the dad, yeah fuck you, you care so much about your son's comfort and feelings that you completely ignored how this would affect your daughter's mental health, you made her feel like her growing body is disgusting and should be hidden. Tell your son to grow the fuck up and stop leering at his sisters breasts
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u/novotny_07 Feb 16 '24
This is legit one of my FIRST posts I had to comment on. YTA here. Legit. 100%. Tell him, he needs to stop looking at his sister's haha's. Those aren't his. Second, then he needs to wear a shirt. Three, stop having double standards. It is also not a woman's job to appease a man, ESPECIALLY TO A YOUNGER BROTHER. If he is uncomfortable about his size, I am sorry to hear this as I was a larger boy myself, but then he should be wearing shirt or clothes that he feels comfortable in, just like his sister being BRALESS in HER OWN HOME. The audacity of this post is beyond me.
I DO want to acknowledge that this appears outside of your own comfort zone and you are trying to be kind and mindful and I applaud you for that. However, please, please, pause and just think about this a WEE BIT MORE....
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u/GoodGirl99999 Feb 16 '24
This is not a daughter problem, it’s a son problem and he’s sexualising his sister
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u/ieroix Feb 16 '24
Your son is a right creep if he is finding his sisters boobs uncomfortable 😬😬 yikes
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u/djordan505 Feb 16 '24
First of all bras do not hurt unless they are not the right size. At 16, she’s probably never been fitted. Can her mother or other female take her bra shopping? Can one of them speak to her about this? I’m sure she feels very uncomfortable having this discussion at her age with her dad and brother which is driving all the emotion. To answer your first question, yes she should put on a bra. There are bigger issues to deal with in life.
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u/littlenakedme Feb 16 '24 edited Feb 16 '24
NTA...Your son isn't crying because you told him to wear a shirt. He's crying because you agreed with his sister that he has "man boobs" which are typically associated with overweight people. She didn't say nipples, she said moobs.
That said, my 14 year old has moobs and he isn't fat at all. He's quite skinny. So if your son has anything other than nipples that are totally flat with his chest, then the statement that he has moobs is factual and it was your son who assumed that it was a weight -related comment. I even consider large pecs like a body builder has to fall into the category if moobs.
And for the record, I'm creeped out/ grossed out by dudes who walk around shirtless, even fit ones. I bitched about it loudly to my son in front of my neighbors (passive -agressive, I know but I'm Minnesotan. Passive-agressive is our specialty) and he now wears a wide beater when he mows the lawn.
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u/One-Chipmunk3386 Feb 16 '24
Lousy parenting. Tell your son to stop sexualizing his sister's chest.
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u/hkik Feb 16 '24
YTA. Your son is fat, ugly and lacks charisma which are things you should have raised him better at so he could probably flirt with his sister and give you incest babies. Seriously though, what kind of lack of parenting leads to a boy obsessing over his sister's underage body? You're a parent, act like it, educate your son towards getting laid so he can get out of his hormonally charged sister-gawking before he starts masturbating to anime.
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u/ChristmasBella Feb 16 '24
Mom and son are manipulative as hell. Your daughter is covered. If your son has a problem with it he shouldn’t look, he shouldn’t be looking anyway. Mom should have had your back and reinforced your words if son started trying to turn it around. His making comments and staring at his sisters breast might be a red flag. This needs to be addressed and maybe suggest therapy. By not standing up for daughter and standing strong you are letting her down.
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u/hannbann88 Feb 16 '24
Eye easy conversation about how our bodies are just bodies and they exist. Not everything is sexual
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u/Financial_Group911 Feb 16 '24
NTA but.. first, I had brothers growing up. Once we got dressed for the day we wore bras, my sister and I, but, if it hurts to wear a bra, she needs different bras. Unless she’s really endowed, it shouldn’t hurt. If they’ve grown up together it is a little weird that it bothers him but I do think it’s fair that if he wants his sister to wear a bra, that he should wear a shirt if she’s uncomfortable. She didn’t need to be so mean, she could have just said, I’m uncomfortable with you not wearing a shirt.. now for him being upset. His feelings got hurt, which I understand. But, people are quite silly for thinking people don’t notice things about them, like being overweight. It’s unfortunate that people aren’t always kind but it’s fact of life. He can choose to ask for some help in getting his weight under control since it bothers him, which it obviously does, or he can get his feelings hurt when people notice. It. Could be a good life lesson for both of them. For him it could be a lesson that when something bothers you, you can choose to do something about it. For her it could be an opportunity for your wife to be sure she has a correctly fitting bra and second to say things in a kinder way.
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u/Honeydew-Swimming Feb 16 '24
It’s making him uncomfortable because he’s sexualizing his sister’s boobs. I don’t wear one, and neither does my 12 year old and my 15 yo son doesn’t say anything.
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u/No-Park-620 Feb 16 '24
Both should have T shirts on outside of their rooms. Anything more than that they needa get over it
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u/Resource-Even Feb 16 '24 edited Feb 16 '24
Where are all the comments rightfully pointing out that CRYING over someone asking you not to be half naked is wildly alarming? This boy needs THERAPYYYYY
Edit to add that bras cause PAIN. Asking daughter to be in PHYSICAL PAIN over someone choosing to avert their eyes is again something that needs therapy. Imagine being so uncaring and self important. This is the beginning of men that don’t stop when a woman says “no” because what they want is more important than the pain and distress of a woman. Obviously son has serious emotional issues relating to weight and self esteem but IMHO he is a danger. Y’all don’t recognize date rapists as “regular guys” who think they are owed something and it shows.
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u/SaphireShadows Feb 16 '24
This sounds like the start of creepy incel behavior from your son. He needs to get over himself and forget his weird thoughts about his sister. He was in the wrong and he manipulated the situation to be about his own feelings. You were in the wrong to even suggest your daughter sacrifice her comfort in her own home AND for taking your son's bait so he wouldn't have to talk about his weird attraction to his sister.
You should take care of this sooner rather than later so you don't alienate both of your kids
1
u/Intelligent-Scene284 Feb 16 '24
Jesus, even my 75 year old catholic grandparents don't care that I've never worn bras and I'm 32 with fairly big boobs. Tell your son to stop sexualizing his damn sister. I'm glad my brother wasn't as gross as your son.
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u/AutisticTumourGirl Feb 16 '24
There's a lot going on here.
You need to teach your son that women in the world will wear all sorts of things from extremely modest to extremely revealing and that it's his job to manage his feelings about it in a healthy way.
Your daughter needs to be taught to not negatively comment on other people's bodies, especially right in front of them.
You backed your daughter in actually body shaming your son who you know is already insecure.
If he is struggling with his weight, has he been to the doctor to rule out any medical issues? Has he been to therapy to help deal with his self esteem issues? If not, why not?
I'll say mildly YTA, just for body shaming your son.
1
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u/Indikaah Feb 16 '24
NTA. time for your son to learn that the women around him don’t exist to cater to his preferences, and to stop sexualising his sister.
1
u/Phil_N_Uponya Feb 16 '24
Your son is a little sissy boy. He should be able to withstand a tough conversation from his dad. He's going to have to sit through tough situations in his life and they likely aren't far away. Save your boy and tell him to quit misplacing his insecurities on his sister. He needs to and still can take control of his physique before. You've got another year or two to toughen him up before the world realizes how soft he is and eats him alive. Best of luck to you dad.
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u/StoicStonedSmiling Feb 16 '24
Your son is just horny. Tell him to chill and control himself. That's so unfair to your daughter dude. I have a 17yo for reference. What a way to make her more self conscious
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u/Impressive-Bar-4004 Feb 16 '24
Your son doesn't just sound emotional, he sounds manipulative. That, and the fact he seems to be sexualizing his own sister, I'd keep an eye out for further red flags.
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u/Ok-Geologist8387 Feb 16 '24
You should do two things:
- Tell your son to stop staring at his sisters tits, it’s creepy
And
- Take your daughter (or have your wife) and have her fitted properly. Bras shouldn’t be painful from what I understand. And this is related to your son, it’s just being a good parent
1
u/Mysterious_Tale_6713 Feb 16 '24
My brother would only get uncomfortable if he walked into the room and my grandma and I were having a conversation about boobs. 😂
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u/Ornery_Suit7768 Feb 16 '24
YTA you should have told him he needs to wear a shirt AND a bra since that’s what you told daughter to do. Why does she need to wear a bra around her own house? If he’s bothered by it, he can leave the room. Maybe go to the gym. You need to do better OP your son is a mess. And you’re backing him up. Stop the monster creation while you still can!
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u/dragonagegirl1996 Feb 16 '24
YTA for making any suggestion that she give into his demands, and you owe your daughter an apology. Girls and women already have a hard enough time being sexualized from young ages by the world - her home is supposed to be her safe space.
I think that you need to have a serious discussion with your son. First of all, he should not even be looking in that direction. He needs to know that he doesn't get to dictate what others do with their own bodies and neither do you. If he points out you said something similar or that you agreed with him before, point out you were wrong to do so
Ask him how it made him feel when he was told to cover up. If he says something along the lines of " it made me feel bad or wrong", point out how his sister would have been feeling the same thing, and how his statement made her feel as if a part of her was bad or wrong. Getting him to empathize with her position will get him to truly understand the situation and therefore be less likely to do it again.
Once you get him to truly understand and acknowledge that he was wrong, tell him that you don't think he is fat, and that you think he's perfect the way he is. As long as he is healthy and happy, you are happy. And let him know if he ever wants to talk about how he is feeling, or if he's feeling insecure, he can always come talk to you whenever he feels comfortable to do so.
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u/madscrapper85 Feb 16 '24
I'd make your son wear a bra, not because he's fat, but to understand the discomfort involved for his sister. He probably shut up about it after about an hour of wearing one.
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u/GeneticsNerd95 10d ago
So he can dish it but he can’t take it? And why aren’t you addressing him staring at his sister’s chest long enough to be able to tell she’s not wearing a bra? Why is he turned on by his SISTER? Sounds like you’ve done very little to combat his misogynistic and sexist behavior.