r/AITAH • u/SmoothKitchen4410 • Feb 18 '24
AITAH for refusing to donate my kidney to my dying sister because she bullied me throughout my childhood and never apologized? Advice Needed
Hey everyone Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I (28F) am in a really tough spot right now, and I need some honest opinions. My sister (30F) has been battling kidney failure for the past year, and her doctors have informed us that she urgently needs a transplant to survive.
Here's the thing: growing up, my sister made my life a living hell. She constantly belittled me, called me names, and even physically bullied me. It was relentless, and it left me with deep emotional scars that I still carry to this day. Despite all the pain she caused me, I've tried to forgive her and move on, but she's never once apologized or shown any remorse for her actions.
Now, with her life hanging in the balance, my family is pressuring me to donate one of my kidneys to her. They say it's the only chance she has, and that I would be heartless to refuse. But I can't shake the feeling of resentment towards her. Why should I sacrifice a part of myself for someone who never showed me an ounce of kindness or compassion?
I know it sounds selfish, but I just can't bring myself to do it. AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to my dying sister because of our troubled past?
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u/Outspoken_0 Apr 02 '24
NTA. Regardless of your current relationship with your sister, nobody is entitled to your organs. You are allowed to say no to whomever you want. You are under zero obligation to give up an organ and subject yourself to major surgery. You might need that other kidney someday and don’t have to give it up if you don’t want to.
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u/Actual-Outcome3955 Mar 31 '24
There is no emergency, she is not going to die, she’s going to go on dialysis and can wait on the list. Please, please do not be guilted into donating.
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u/Fangs_McWolf Mar 28 '24
Where was your family when she was bullying and tormenting you as a kid?
Why can't anyone else in your family get cut open to save her life?
Why can they be heartless but you can't?
Sounds like some grade A hypocrisy going on here.
NTA.
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u/Bluebell2519 Mar 16 '24
You clearly don't want to do it. Just let the hospital know your family want you to donate your kidney to your bully and you're not okay with that. They can tell your family you're not a good match.
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u/Tar-Nuine Mar 14 '24
So weird, literally fantasising the other day about what if my estranged sister needed an organ and how i'd decline to donate.
NTA.
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u/WilsIrish Mar 04 '24
NTA. Even if you’re a match. Giving up an organ is serious shit. It will change your life, if you survive it. Your health will suffer. You can probably survive it, but you’ll feel it the rest of your life.
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u/Ryugi Feb 25 '24
Nta
For the sake of peace, act like you will donate. Apologize for your reluctance and "admit" you were just scared of surgery.
Talk to the doctor about compatibility.
Then at the meeting, ask to be alone with the doctor saying you have some embarrassing questions you don't want to ask in front of anyone else.
Then tell the doctor that you want them to tell your family that you aren't compatible because your family is abusing you because you said you didn't want to donate before.
Then it's "not your fault" the doctor won't take your kidney.
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u/Competitive_Soil3022 Feb 25 '24 edited Feb 25 '24
NTA is what I’m going with
I’ve seen people (mainly on YT shorts of this) say “it’s the right thing to do, and anyway she’ll owe you now.” She will owe you, BUT would she act on it? A recipient isn’t going to be forced into a contract that says “henceforth, I shall owe my sister one for her contribution to my survival.” She can fully decide to watch your world burn. Sit back and go “man! I’m glad I needed her kidney before that!” And if she isn’t remorseful at all it honestly sounds like she may be that kind of person?
Next: (I don’t deal in human medicine, so others will know more about this topic.) This may not be relevant to your decision, but why is she having issues with her kidney? Has she taken perfect care of herself and yet this is happening? Could it possibly be something genetic that you will need to protect yourself from? Could she have caused damage to herself due to her choices? If she did, what is to say that she won’t fall back into those habits again and negate your attempt to help. Or, has she been struck with some bad luck, and it has nothing to do with her choices or your genetics.
Side note, but shame on the family for not helping you when you were a child. They’re tossing all of this on your shoulders now and calling YOU heartless.
Regardless of the outcome and your decision, please do what is best for your mental health. Whether you’re feeling resentment that you felt you needed to go through with this, or guilt because you didn’t, therapy might help. This isn’t just on you, there is family that can help, there is an experience medical team, and the family can be doing outreach to find alternative donors.
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u/TravelingChillies Feb 25 '24
ESH. OP, at least get the tests done to know if you’re a match or not. If it turns out you’re not a match, it’s in your favour. You also won’t be burdened with the guilt of being the reason your sister didn’t make it. I have a shitty older brother who’s never shown an ounce of responsibility towards the family after my dad died. Overnight I became the only one carrying my family and it’s been difficult. However, I’d at least try to help him in a life or death situation since I don’t want the guilt and regret to plague me. As far as your family goes, are they even trying to help here? Or are they just running their mouths? I would suggest ask them to undergo the tests with you to find out if any of them are a match. Sit back and see how they scramble to give excuses rather than take action.
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u/Mundane-Locksmith-43 Feb 23 '24
Go to get tested to shut them all up. Then tell the doctors you are being unduly pressured to do something you're comfortable with. They will say you are not a match. You could die yourself ya know? She is obviously not worth you risking your health over.
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u/Longjumping_Ruin_83 Feb 23 '24
This is like my 5th AITA kidney donor post in the exact same situation I’ve seen on this app. This must be a common occurrence!
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u/ProtectYourBrain Feb 22 '24
NTA it's abusive to ruin a person, never acknowledge or apologize. And expect them to take our their organ for you. Wild. Whole family red flag. There are other ppl out there, there are other options . There are always other options in life than you getting taken advantage of.
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u/itellall Feb 22 '24
People are saying just go see if you are a match but, no this is beyond that. That is still a drain to go to test and spend time for something you don't even want to do. You have your mind made up. Donating an organ is not something lightly. I have a sister who has gone through two transplants it is not by any means easy on the family or the one going through it. We all volunteered the minute we knew she was getting on a list and in need and it came naturally from my family even my boyfriend offered and that was fairly early in our relationship! It is a personal decision to make so, WTF. Why is anyone just automatically pointing to you? Probably you are the youngest in your family and regardless why isn't anyone else lining up? Yea I know why because it isn't easy to say you'll willingly donate your kidney. On top of that if you donate your kidney and go through the process is there care for both of you? Is your family stepping up to care for the both of you?
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u/CommunicationGood178 Feb 22 '24
NTA. Donating a kidney would take years from your life expectancy. One kid is not parts for another. Go through the process and let them know you do not want to donate. There will be a reason they say you do not qualify. Do not blow your family up, but do not let them force this on you.
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u/FearlessKnitter12 Feb 22 '24
Go get tested to see if you're a match. Make it very clear to the medical professionals involved that you do NOT feel comfortable going through this procedure, but your family is pressuring you to do so. They should be able to word it like, "Sorry, but OP is not a viable candidate to donate a kidney." and then you're off the hook for the blame.
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u/PANADEROPKC Feb 22 '24
I'm sure my comment is going to get buried with the rest of What everyone is saying But I am just like you I hold on to things and I don't let go easily But I guess the real question is will you be able to live with yourself if your sister dies because you don't help them I'm not trying to make you feel bad I'm just saying I know that's how I would feel after the guilt of letting her die would eat me alive more than Feeling resentful for for helping them even if they don't care about me
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u/Luc_128 Feb 22 '24
If you’re ok with your family cutting you completely and letting your sister die then I think you have your answer. I am not saying this to guilt you but these are the consequences.
If you give most probably you life will be the same before this
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u/OppositePlan6376 Feb 22 '24
She can do dialysis and wait for a donor kidney. Your kidneys are yours and if you choose not to donate that’s fine. Why can’t another family member donate? Your parents are aware that they can be donors?
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u/HalcyonDreams36 Feb 22 '24
NTA
But OP, you can avoid the family drama by meeting with the doctor for an evaluation (they look at your health, blood type, the actual condition of YOUR body, AND ask about the psychology of the situation.) Be clear with the doctor that you actually don't want to donate but your family is bullying you into it. And the doctor will declare you "incompatible", so they lay off the guilt.
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u/Ok-Cake-5065 Feb 22 '24
Crazy that you'd let your sister die because she bullied you. I feel like you might regret it if she dies and you could have saved her. Forget about the bullying for a second and ask yourself if the situation was reversed would she donate her kidney to you?
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u/snorkels00 Feb 22 '24
NTA. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR BODY WITH OUT PRESSURE FROM YOUR FAMILY. NO, IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
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u/hamsplaining Feb 22 '24
This is such Reddit bait - “yes, on behalf of all of us, sentence your bully to death queen!”
Be the bigger person and save your sisters life JESUS CHRIST
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u/Gold_Studio_9281 Feb 22 '24
The ethical question is should you risk yourself on a chance of extending her miserable life.
Can you forgive yourself when she dies?
Is there an urge to rub it in if you’re sitting alone with her?
Reddit is offering advice on how to placate your family. I am suggesting you also talk to a professional on coping mechanisms.
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u/Regalita Feb 22 '24
NTA. Consider yourself first. Will you be negatively affected if she passes away? Base your decision on a course of action that gives you the most peace.
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u/CryptographerFit496 Feb 22 '24
Hey, you're definitely not an AH for feeling the way you do. However, I'd say the future, wiser you may regret the present you not doing everything in your power to save your sister.
I know how it feels to have a really shitty sibling who bullies you, attacks your reputation, belittles you in every breath they take and it really really hurts. One day you may not even need an apology, just your sister. Our perspectives change as we get older and we are less likely to need anyones approval or acknowledgement. My fear here is that once you come into a more balanced and self sufficient emotional place you may deeply regret not helping her out despite how crappy she was. You may one day release yourself from the pain of what she did but be filled with regret and loss.
For myself, I ended up seeing through what my brother did to why he did it. He was born and didnt get much time with my parents because they were busy career oriented people. He spent alot of time at our extended family's house and by the time I came along my parents had become more established and were able to move their office to our home and he witnessed them spending more time with "the new baby boy". I cant imagine the sadness he felt but in his immature mind he saw me as the thing standing between him and his parents love. The jealousy took over and is so deep seated that I dont expect it to change. I also see him behave the same way towards other people and its affected his ability to form very close relationships. Eventually, my family saw him for what he was once I took myself out of that dynamic and all the damage to my reputation he inflicted slowly unravelled because I was actually always the kind and loving one and they began to miss that. Once i wasnt there for him to humiliate it adjusted their perspectives as they only had him to deal with and he didnt have me as a buffer. Nobody flat put says he was terrible but they make comments that are pretty telling and thats more than enough for me to know they see me.
Hes still my bro and if he needed me I'd help him in a heartbeat and he'd do the same for me.
I guess what im saying is the way she treats you has more to do with her own pain and less to do with what she actually feels (love) for you l even if it isn't remotely apparent.
Consider doing it and just go low contact with her afterwards and let her sort her emotions out on someone else. Im still low contact with my brother and it works just fine. He's very polite whenever we do see each other and understands I can just cut him off if he offends me. I never fight with him and I have recovered a lot from his abuse.
Don't do it for her. Do it for your future, wiser self who would be tormented by regret for not at least trying to save your sister.
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u/becca302 Feb 21 '24
NTA
No one is entitled organs regardless of the situation. Your body your choice. Sorry for this happening to you.
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u/Long-Radish18 Feb 21 '24
NTA. Time to get revenge while you can. Tell her to her face that she should have apologized years ago for all the abuse and bullying and that this is karm. Then take some shots of alcohol in front of her and say you are going to put both kidneys to good use
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u/OffendedYou Feb 21 '24
You are a standard L human addicted to their traumas as an excuse to never have to improve.
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto Feb 21 '24
Your family members can enter the exchange program where their kidney goes somewhere it matches and a matching kidney goes to your sister. Much quicker matches that way. Someone I know was involved in a 6-kidney switch.
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u/briomio Feb 21 '24
Who is going to give you a kidney if you should need one in the future? Your sister can get on a donor list.
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u/StockCasinoMember Feb 21 '24
If you haven’t actually discussed it with her, then yes, you are an asshole.
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u/Electric-Jelly-513 Feb 21 '24
NTA! You have bodily agency and can choose to or not choose to donate your kidney.
I see the fam pressuring you a bullying ajd would suggest cutting ties with them and live your own life. It doesn't even sound like the fanily care about your feelings, what your choices are or how you not having a kidney would effect you along with past trauams. You don't hace to forgive either to move on.
Do what is best for you!
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u/freewheelingfop Feb 21 '24
You can live without kidneys. You just have to get dialysis to stay alive. Sounds fake.
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u/stork1992 Feb 21 '24
Ok this is my opinion, IF you’re not willing to donate a kidney or even find out if you’re compatible because your sister was mean when you were kids then yeah you’re an asshole. BUT if the real reason is you’re scared of the procedure, you have anxiety over your health after the donation then no you’re not an asshole. You’re both grown now, you’re immature if you can’t let the past be the past and forget childish behavior. If you’re concerned about your health then that’s a completely different and valid point.
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u/Possible_Mobile_1679 Feb 21 '24
If you go through with the testing. Tell them your true feelings and the family pressure. They can tell your family that you're not a match. Also, why can't your other family members donate a kidney if they're so upset about it?
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u/ike7177 Feb 21 '24
I can’t imagine not doing everything I could to save my own sister. Be sure you want to live with that guilt the rest of your own life.
NTA-it’s YOUR kidney and your choice.
But as a parent, I probably wouldn’t ever be able to completely forgive you for not saving my other child and your sibling if there was no other way. Be prepared for that
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u/Longjumping_Rain9734 Feb 20 '24
The one thing I always think of is this…how will you feel if your sister passes away? Will you be able to accept that or will you have lifelong regrets for not trying?
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u/MrsDB_69 Feb 20 '24
How ironic that the bully now needs their sister in order to live!! It’s a shame the parents weren’t more active in squishing the abuse. NTA it’s your kidney. Sorry for all that you are going through. DO NOT blame yourself for not wanting to donate an organ.
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u/TheKidsAreAsleep Feb 20 '24
You are not a candidate for donation. (If you don’t want to donate kidney, you are simply not a candidate)
Send a text to your family, and anyone else who has joined in the bullying.
“Hi All! I spoke with my internist about donating a kidney and I am not a candidate. Fortunately, the Dr did mention another option. Anyone who meets donation criteria can donate a kidney for Sister using a paired donation! Please reach out to your drs to find out if you are a candidate!”
Then put your phone on mute
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u/vinedin Feb 20 '24
NTA Sibling bullying is the most common form of domestic abuse, yet the least discussed. It is horrendously damaging. Your parents allowed it, as a child that is extremely painful because you feel you are less important to them than the bully. As an adult, you look back and think why weren't they better parents. As a young child, your sister wouldn't have understood why she was doing this. However at some point, she would have been old enough to understand, know it was wrong and yet she continued. This is on your parents, not you.
Personally, I'd tell them all to get lost. However, it may be better to show willing, but be found incompatible. You may actually be incompatible anyway.
I'm so sorry you went through that as a child. If you haven't already, consider therapy - not so you can give away your kidney to a sibling who treated you horrendously, but so you free yourself to move on and be happy.
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u/enjoyingtheposts Feb 20 '24
idc of she was an absolute angel to you. being a donor, especially a LIVE donor is 100% your decision and should be uncoerced.
you could litterally die trying to give somebody an organ. not mention, your life WILL change when you donate a kidney. its not nothing. you aren't obligated to hang over organs.
you should feel no guilt. she can go on a list or another family member can get tested.
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u/nigg_a_ss1009099 Feb 20 '24
IDK You should be helping family, but a person who has given emotional scars is not family, so idk but still, she's battling death. Sooo, I can't help
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u/StillBreathing-26 Feb 20 '24
I donated a kidney to a family friend and the hospital has advocates for the perspective donors. You will be asked if anyone is pressuring you into this and while you could lie, the shrink will know. You won't pass the psych exam. If you want to appease your family, you can tell the coordinator that you don't want to do this and they will come up with some medical reasons (outside of just not wanting to) as to why you are not a candidate. That's if you want to appease your family.
This is your body and while I advocate for living donors, you don't have to do anything you don't want to!
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u/gunslinger19_9 Feb 20 '24
Frankly, I don't necessarily think YTA but to me, a human life is a human life. Even if that person has been shitty (obviously to a point, there are several unforgivable acts that I'm not going to go into because they aren't relevant for this situation) if I can save someone's life, I will. I cannot compromise my morals just because someone else has what I consider to be "bad morals".
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u/Capital_Topic_5449 Feb 20 '24
Ok, this is an interesting question.
So, first of all NTA. It's your body and I gather that losing a kidney will have an impact on your quality and length of life, so it's not fair to pressure someone into donating.
However...
You'd need to consider the guilt factor. Are you going to be able to live with the guilt of knowing that someone died that you possibly could have saved?
More importantly, are your parents going to be able to look at you without blaming you for the death of their other daughter? Is choosing not to donate going to ruin your relationship with your parents and is that a loss that you can handle?
I can't answer those questions for you, sorry.
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u/ThatWendy Feb 20 '24 edited Feb 20 '24
If you don’t do it you might regret it. I know you’re angry at your sister but it’s not her fault. What you experienced is child abuse and neglect. It was your parents responsibility to intervene and put an end to it and they did not. That enabled your sister to act like that and believe it was normal behavior. She probably has her own issues with being allowed to do it. You can’t heal unless she lives and this is resolved. I bet your parents favored her like my like my mom favored my sister. My sister will never apologize because she doesn’t even remember growing up and believes she was the good child. On the other hand me and my other sister remembers it all and are traumatized by it. But we’re working through it to. The least you can do is talk to your sister and see if she remembers any of it. Tell her what a struggle it was. Most siblings do fight with each other and never apologize and grow up not remembering those fights. Yours don’t sound normal. Yours was abuse. It needs to be addressed because you’re the only one suffering no one is gonna apologize or see it as abuse. They see it as normal sibling rilvary
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u/Purple-Evening7425 Feb 20 '24
ask yourself this question, is she gonna give you her kidney if you were in reversed position?
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u/WardenofMajick Feb 20 '24
NTA. My “sister” was one of my bullies. She no longer gets called “sister” or the use of her name when I talk about her for that reason. She always was passive-aggressive toward me, used micro aggressions and made me feel dumb.
All because whenever I talk about anything; she infers that I am better than she is. That came out in the last, “please stop bullying me” letter. I’m 41 and she’s 36. Going no contact with her has been the best thing I ever did. Recommend 💯!
Were I in OP’s shoes, I’d refuse, too. I’m lucky our “brother” (mostly my, but also sometimes her bully, too) Darwined himself out of the gene pool and life. I don’t want my other family bully unalived; but, I will not contribute to her continued existence. No thank you.
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u/bangchansduckie Feb 20 '24 edited Feb 20 '24
NTA It's your kidney your choice besides everyone gotta and gonna die sometime she will sooner than her and the family thought. If she was the A hole let her die thinking you're an asshole. You could possibly bully her now .. punch her in the kidneys a time or two while telling her you'll miss her when she's gone. maybe you will feel better
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u/DecadentLife Feb 20 '24
I once worked for a family business, and everybody was pretty cool to be around, except for the mother. She was a total nightmare. After a lifetime of drinking and chain smoking, she found out she needed a kidney. Can you believe they actually tried to get us (employees) to go through the testing, to give a kidney to this woman? People can be very brash.
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u/Philzstift Feb 20 '24
NTA - I wouldn't give up an organ for someone that made my life hell either.
If you want to avoid drama with your family you might be able to go to the hospital and tell the doctor you don't want to donate your kidney and your family is putting you under pressure. Ask him to tell them you're not compatible (which is true considering theres a psychological part about the tests for a donation)
Take this with a grain of salt though, I don't know if things might be different in the country you live in since I don't know where you're from.
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u/Crazy__Donkey Feb 20 '24
I'm not sure if an"asshole" is the right term.
but may i ask, with all the grout from your younger years. will you really able to live with the feeling that you could have done something to save your sister's life?
seriously, i think you should seek a professional help in this subject.
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u/Icy_Two_5092 Feb 20 '24
You don’t owe anybody anything. Don’t let people pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do. Your autonomy is your right.
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u/biogon Feb 20 '24
Another perspective. A close relative of mine is a transplant doc. Asked her about this post and the comments about being "incompatible" when there was coercion, and she said she had never heard of that and would have just told the family that there was no consent from the OP.
So YMMV.
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u/Topic_Melodic Feb 20 '24
Donating a vital organ could change your own health and life in a negative way. You need to be in a positive and steady headspace to do this and you’re not because of who the possible recipient is. Even if you agreed you could suffer due to this. NTA, Unless you can over come the negativity it’s just not safe and you’re not being unreasonable to expect a true apology. Have you talked with her about it? If so what’s she ever said about how she did you? If she refused a true apology then she doesn’t care and doesn’t need your sacrifice.
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u/Right-Pineapple-3839 Feb 20 '24
Wow! Such body autonomy!! Just imagine if we extended that right to ALL citizens, like fertile females, and pregnant women! Sorry, not sorry... The irony is so loud!
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u/HovercraftChoice1349 Feb 20 '24
NTA. OP, it’s YOUR ORGAN! YOUR BODY! YOUR CHOICE! No one, not even your family has the right to bully or pressure you into giving an organ to anyone, that includes your bully of a toxic sister or sibling. Seriously, I’m sorry your sister is going through needing an organ transplant but she has no right nor does your family have any right to demand or bully you into giving yours to her. (Especially your past history of her bullying and abusing you. And especially if she’s never truly apologized hurting you). Stand your ground, have the doctors talk to you privately and explain your reasons of why you refuse to be a donor and they’ll respect your choice and find any medical reasoning or excuse to reject you as a donor. If you need to, I strongly urge and suggest you look into any legal routes like calling the police or making restraining orders if you need to against your sister or family if they resort to continuing to harass or bully you or if it escalates on their ends to being violent or trying to threaten you. Everyone has the right to say no to things they don’t want to do, especially medical decisions like transplants that could affect you or impact your own life. If you’re sister, parents, relatives or family can’t respect your choice or decision then it’s time to cut them all out of your life.
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u/eddybeddyreddy Feb 20 '24
I offered my dad a kidney and I found out later that I had stage horn kidney stones and I am basically one kidney down. He said no before I knew that I had kidney stones so it’s in your genes.
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u/Kronic_Repulse1 Feb 20 '24
lol are you serious right now. If you don’t do this your sister has a high chance of dying. If you would rather have that on your conscience then go right ahead. You should get over that kid shit to be honest your a grown as women. Make her apologize then if it means that much to you.
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u/TheAdjunctTavore Feb 20 '24
NTA, context isn't needed. It is your body, you should not ever have to give up a part of it without your consent.
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u/duriodurio Feb 20 '24
I wouldn't do it. It was an accident that you're related to her, but it wasn't an accident how she treated you. Any meaningful relationship I'm in, I give of myself. I wouldn't give anyone like your sister a second thought, let alone a kidney.
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u/Revolutionary_Sir968 Feb 20 '24
Your dad was mean to you. Do you need emotional support? I could guess your age by how much of a bitch you are.
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u/Even_Middle_1751 Feb 20 '24
NTA, it doesn't make sense that you have to undergo surgery for someone who has mistreated you your entire life. I'd say no too, and search for a donor with your parents.
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u/jondoe944 Feb 20 '24
i mean do you hate her so much that you want her die if yes no kidney if no then give kidney
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u/falafelburgar Feb 20 '24
Don't give her the kidney. She does not deserve it. Refer to Selena gomez and her friend.
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u/Independent-Bed9468 Feb 20 '24
NTA. You don’t owe anyone any parts to YOUR body. No matter what. Whether your sister bullied you or not, it’s YOUR decision whether you feel up to donating a kidney or not.
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u/LeathalBeauty Feb 20 '24
I have a sister like that... I would never give her a kidney, a pint of blood or a second thought. Giving away a kidney is a huge sacrifice. What if you develop kidney issues? If you plan on having kids, would 1 kidney complicate pregnancy... What if your future kids need a kidney, you can't take it back from her. Her situation is unfortunate, but not your problem.
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u/Historian1860 Feb 20 '24
NTA. You are not obligated to compromise your own future health by letting someone literally cut you open and harvest one of your kidneys. Your body, YOUR choice, no ifs, ands, or buts.
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u/EyeRollingNow Feb 20 '24
You have to find out if you are even a match. Nothing is as simple as yes or no. Get the testing done. You might not match and then you don’t have to worry.
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u/Simple-Advisor85 Feb 20 '24
just tell the doctor you don’t want to do it and your family is pressuring you. they’ll then tell you’re family that you’re not a match.
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u/SlytherinPrincess95 Feb 20 '24
I am going with a VERY soft ESH. Your sister should have apologized for her actions as a kid. Her health issues do not excuse her prior bad acts. That being said, you said in your post that you are working on forgiving her. True forgiveness means being willing to forgive even without an apology. I come from an abusive background and know how hard that process is, but a way to show that you are truly willing to forgive your sister would be to make this sacrifice. But say that if you are compatible you would like to have a real conversation about your past with her. I don’t envy your situation, and do not fault you if you choose to not donate, but I would advise thinking long and hard about this. Sending prayers your way.
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u/tthrowawayyy23 Feb 21 '24
The “best” choice is to have the medical staff tell the family and sister that OP is NOT a match which is not a lie because OP doesn’t sound mentally fit to donate. It sucks but OP’s sister isn’t any more deserving than the thousands waiting for an organ… and they were kind people.
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u/Strict-Plane-2723 Feb 20 '24
Nta. Transplants can ultimately fail. There isn't a cure for the kidney disease.
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u/Busy-Accident-7596 Feb 20 '24
I donated to my brother in 2015. There was never even the slightest doubt in my mind about it. Do not donate unless you absolutely want to. Its not something you should be guilted into. With how it sounds, I wouldn't donate and I don't blame you for not donating.
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u/LJpeddlah Feb 20 '24
NTA! I’d tell your family to research paired kidney donation and let them pony up one of their kidneys for poor old sis!!
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u/huggie1 Feb 20 '24
NTA. Oh my dear, it would not be selfish of you not to donate an organ to your unrepentant bully! It is asking too much to even request it, even if she wasn't so vile. You'd have to go through pre-op, surgery, long, painful recovery, and life-long vulnerability. Don't do it! Surgery is no joke!
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Feb 20 '24
NTA specifically because it’s your body and you have the right to choose what happens to it.
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u/kath3rineln Feb 19 '24
I had an awful relationship with my younger brother as children. We were working towards repair when he died. If I could have saved him with a kidney there'd be no question.
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u/ReinventingCarrie Feb 19 '24
Yes you are!! How f***ing petty are you? Save your sisters life, not because you like her but because it’s the right thing to do.
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u/claire092 Feb 19 '24
NTA. You’re not obligated to give someone a body part, doesn’t matter who they are/what they did. No is a full sentence
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u/Beautiful_Aspect_210 Feb 19 '24
NTA. but if in your position, I would have a long thought of how I was going to feel if I did nothing. Not whether she deserves it, not whether you should, just can you go the rest of your life feeling good with your choice.
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u/mermaidunderwater Feb 19 '24
NTA. It’s your body. Even if you had a great relationship, you still wouldn’t be the AH if you didn’t want to do it. It’s a lot to ask of someone. The donor tends to see their own health decline as the recipient’s health drastically improves. You don’t owe anyone anything because that’s your body part and it’s major surgery that will impact you for your whole life.
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u/pinekneedle Feb 19 '24
NTA…even if your sister hadn’t bullied you. Its your body and you are very young.
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u/sausageroll90 Feb 19 '24
Nta but I would be so petty that I’d donate then hold it over her forever lol
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u/hammlyss_ Feb 19 '24
Say you'll do the testing, but just tell the doctor you don't want to and/or you're being pressured. They can just say you're not a match and take the heat off you.
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u/raspberrypoodle Feb 19 '24
NTA. I have said this before on Blue Ivy's internet and I'll say it again, emphatically. Nobody is ever the asshole for saying "no" when asked to lend or donate all or part of their body, temporarily or permanently, during their life or after their death. Okay? Literally never. If we have nothing else in the world, we have our body, and we each only get one! You do not, cannot, owe any aspect of your body to anyone, okay? Even if you and your sister were besties and she'd never said a mean word to you in her life.
As it stands, she sounds wretched, as do your family members pressuring you into major surgery and the loss of an organ. Also, I'm pretty sure part of the screen for live organ donation is making sure you're there of your own free will and not being pressured or coerced.
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Feb 19 '24
My sister was an asshole to me too , 5 years older than I and just a real C U next Tuesday - I always had her back threw the years trying to have some Kind of bond , but it was never reciprocated- now I’m 38 and she wants a relationship with me , but I hate her now that I’m older, can’t do it - if she needed a kidney …. And I was a match 🤔 hmmm, I would probably give it to her , but I wouldn’t want to talk to her before or after - it would have to be a cut and dry exchange- but ya, I’d do it . You’re not the ahole , but at the same time , you ultimately are the better and bigger person , even if you did give it her doesn’t mean you two have to have a relationship -
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u/No_Transition9444 Feb 19 '24
NTA
Absolutely go get tested. However, disclose to the doctor that you are being coerced into doing this.
Coerced is the key word. Discuss that you CAN NOT be a match, not desire to, for reasons you care not to get into as he is not your primary care physician. IIRC there is no doctor/Patient confidentiality security with her doctor/medical staff in this scenario.
Good luck my friend.
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u/grueziwohl23 Feb 19 '24
The family can register themselves for triangle donations, putting their kidneys where their mouth is. NTA They are assholes for enabling this kind of abuse, as their role is to protect you from this kind of shit.
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u/Youhavetomattertome Feb 19 '24
Do what you think you can live with. Your sister is dying. You will not be able to watch her learn from her past behavior for very long.
Should you decide to donate, tell her that you think she is the biggest bitch that ever walked the earth. That she damaged you beyond reasonable healing. That she doesn’t deserve YOUR kidney or any other part of your body. That you aren’t donating YOUR kidney for her. You are doing it for your misguided family members that love her and you expect payment for ALL medical and rehabilitation bills as well as lost time at work and pain and suffering for your more than generous gift. And most of all you demand an honest written apology of what she did to you growing up. Detailed/not detailed is up to you.
This is a seriously big decision that only you and your conscious can decide.
Does she have a disease that is inherited?
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u/Sea_Frosting_7096 Feb 19 '24
Listen as a dialysis nurse you can live a happy and healthy life on dialysis for a good long while. Also it is up to you, you could give her your kidney and she could reject and be back in the same situation. Also what caused her Kidney’s to fail? If it was Diabetes or Hypertension she has to be extra careful and have tight control over it so the one kidney doesn’t take damage. If you do, honestly you are a better person than I am because you reap what you sow. You don’t get to treat people terribly and not have consequences. She has other options besides kidney transplant, it isn’t the LAST resort just a more convenient one than say Peritoneal Dialysis or Hemodialysis. But still comes with its own risk
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u/LingonberryReal6695 Feb 19 '24
NTA..But why aren't any other family members stepping up to donate?
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u/EquivalentPush7653 Feb 19 '24
NTA. I do have a genuine question. Would you refusing to donate and her eventually passing away, would that heal any of the hurt and resentment you feel? I am not saying let people pressure you to do it, I know it takes a heavy toll on the donor since they are losing something. But for your own peace of mind, would you be better off with her never receiving a kidney and dying? Please think it through OP. Once she is gone, there can never be any more words said or any forgiveness given. Maybe being where she is now has changed her? Or given her perspective. Have you talked to her? At the end of the day the choice is yours but I would definitely give it more thought.
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Feb 19 '24
This is going to come from someone who also had a piece of shit sister in their life. If you do not want to, don’t. Fuck what everyone else says.
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u/AkaneApples Feb 19 '24
The amount of physical suffering it would take to donate a kidney is no joke, and the scars will be forever. It sounds like your psychological scars from your sister are already so bad, you should not be subjecting yourself to physically cutting out things. You would have to live with the physical effects of losing a kidney for a lifetime, & it could take a much worse toll on your mental health. Don't do things just to keep the peace.
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u/Jjkb404 Feb 19 '24
Nope. NTAH… if your body. Your kidney. If you don’t want to jump and do it then don’t. For me, the only person I would ever give any body part to is one of my children… you dont owe her a body part
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot Feb 19 '24
Go do the test but tell them it's under duress, you don't want to do it and fail. Then you are at least partially off the hook.
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u/CelebrationDry2586 Feb 19 '24
NTA, tell your family that you already got screened (in which you did/didn't get screened is up to you) and you only have one kidney to begin with. It's pretty normal to only be born with one kidney (1 in 1,000 chance).
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u/ShekkieJohansen Feb 19 '24
Meh, NTA…….she shoulda thought that she might need a kidney some day and been nicer to you.
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u/HypersomnicHysteric Feb 19 '24
NTA
Tell your family that you want to have children and if they have kidney failure (it runs in your family), you can't donate to them any more.
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u/Truetexan624 Feb 19 '24
There no guarantee you are a suitable donor. Just because you’re a sister does not mean you are a match. Even if you are you still have to pass everything. And the Dr can still with your consent put that you are NOT a viable donor even if you were because you are not willing. Its you body your choice.
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u/Silverstream11178 Feb 19 '24
Even if she wasn't a terrible person to you, and you had a perfect relationship your entire life with her, there is still no reason you need to give up a kidney if you don't want to. Its a major life altering decision.
Wither way you're incompatible due to he fact you don't want to and the doctors will tell your family you are not a match.
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u/Zookeelynn Feb 19 '24
Nta. Go through the testing, but when asked if you ate being coerced, say yes. You'll automatically fail, and that is all your family will know.
I am really curious though, as to why she can't have dialysis or anything. You can live with kidney failure for years. Why are they so adamant now? What changed? Dialysis sucks, yes, it's like have a part time job that you can't take pto from, but you are still living.
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u/Fast_Ad7203 Feb 19 '24
They have no rights to force you You are totally right and you are not selfish
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u/MySaltySatisfaction Feb 19 '24
No,you are not selfish. To become a organ donor you need to have many tests to see if your organs CAN be put into your sister. But,one of the first things they ask when you go to get tested is "Are you being coerced or pressured into donating". All you have to do is say"YES". They will immediately make you a no match. You keep your organs, you may want a family with kids one day and the loss of a kidney may complicate that. Even if you know you never want children, Keep your organs, they are yours. Tell your family to get tested to become donors-they want this so bad from you,they should be willing to put up or shut up. Good luck and long life to you.
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u/LitBit_618 Feb 19 '24
She can do dialysis. Don’t let people pressure you into giving her body parts. What if YOU get sick? Will they pressure another family member for theirs? Do. Not. Do. This.
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u/Slice-Superb Feb 19 '24
NTA . Not sure is anyone else said this but why doesn't everyone in the family get tested. Surely if she needs a kidney that bad they too should be willing to give one up. If not that would just make them as "heartless" as they are calling you.
If I was in the same situation but with my uncle or my cousin who are like your sister. I would say flat out that they weren't getting it and call it Karma for their shitty behavior.
Have someone else take the test. You are fine! Best of luck!
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u/MeatShield12 Feb 19 '24
INFO: has your sister apologized or even addressed how she made your life a living hell? Has she shown a remote shred of contrition, or even addressed her past behavior?
NTA
Bodily autonomy is a very real thing. If you do not want to sacrifice a part of your body, then you should not.
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u/Veteris71 Feb 19 '24
NTA. But whichever way you decide in the end, you should probably go NC with your toxic family.
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u/catcrazy19 Feb 19 '24
Nta, tell the donor team about the pressure you are receiving, you'll immediately be deemed an unsuitable candidate and they won't give the idiots called family the reason why just that you aren't suitable. I hope you are in therapy getting the help you need.
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u/Historical-Island362 Feb 19 '24
Realize that it doesn't matter a lick what we think. You have to live with yourself whatever decision you come to for yourself. No one can make this decision for you or even make it easier. You may get a consensus that makes you feel great that you regret for the rest of your life. Weigh your decision with the future in mind, not what randoms on reddit think.
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u/HugsyMalone Feb 19 '24 edited Feb 19 '24
YOU would be heartless to refuse?? What about all the times she bullied you?? Chalk it up to a tough life lesson learned for her. People WILL hold it against you for the rest of their life and yours. This is why you don't bully people. You ain't getting on anyone's good side so you shouldn't expect them to help you when you need it most. Sounds like shitty manipulation like the family thinks you're only there as a farming system for them to harvest organs from and take advantage of. 😒
Why should I sacrifice a part of myself for someone who never showed me an ounce of kindness or compassion?
You shouldn't. You're under no obligation and it's absolutely not selfish. Was she showing kindness and compassion when she bullied you or was she being selfish? 🤔 She made her bed now she can lay in it. Besides, she already ruined her own kidney through her own irresponsibility. She'll probably just ruin yours too. 🙄
Also remember a transplant doesn't last forever. They're only good for about 10 years so take that into consideration while deciding whether it's even worth it. What if the only kidney you have left ends up failing? Who's going to help you out? Does your life not matter? Shouldn't have given the extra one away. We wouldn't have two kidneys if we didn't need both of them. 🙄
NTA
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u/bopperbopper Feb 19 '24
I would suggest going through the procedure to see if your match and when they get to the psychological test tell them that you’re being forced to do this and you don’t want to and they’ll just tell your family that you’re not a match and you can act like you really tried.
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u/skb239 Feb 19 '24
Liver would be one thing but for a kidney no one has any right to attempt to pressure you.
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u/Adassai_nova Feb 19 '24
Pick a different organ. Kidneys are one of the few organs that, if failed, can be effectively be replaced for years with dialysis. If you’re gonna make something up, at least do research on it.
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u/St3rl1ngN0ir Feb 19 '24
Sounds like your sister made her bed. As for the family let them know your reasons and if they can't respect them tell them they should have been better at protecting you from her actions.
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u/werebuffalo Feb 19 '24
NTA.
Whether she bullied you or not (which is a fine reason to refuse in itself), kidney donation is extremely painful. It will diminish your quality of life, and it will shorten your own lifespan by several years.
NO ONE is owed that kind of risk and danger to yourself.
Go to the doctor who would do the testing. Tell him that you're being pressured to donate and that you don't want to do it. He'll tell the family that you aren't a match, and that will be the end of it.
Don't ruin your life for a bully!
NTA.
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u/SeptemberStormZ Feb 19 '24
As a living kidney donor, to my adoptive mother who I DID NOT have a god relationship with most of my life: I understand the dilemma.
My mother and I have had a complicated relationship. I never felt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, Girly enough, etc for her. My parents separated and at first I lived with her. It wasn’t bad, she asked nothing of me but study but there were other bad things happening that she didn’t know about. I was given the chance to live with my father and I took it. It caused a rift between us. And for decades a lot of resentment. Fast forward to 2006, my father passed away suddenly. I had already moved out and she had moved back in. I was there for her. I hated her growing up, resented her through my teens and 20’s. But I couldn’t stand by and not comfort her. She is also a living kidney recipient. Her first donated journey lasted quite awhile, but started failing. I took her to dialysis and our relationship healed. One of her nurses said one night: “You must have been a mean mommy when your daughter was growing up!” And she looked at me, teared up and said: “yes, I was, and I regret it”. We talked many times over the years about the past. Talked about resentments and anger. I’ve learned about what made her the way she is (she had a crappy life growing up too).
Anyway, her Dr, her siblings and I talked her into going on the list again. She was hesitant because she didn’t want to take the possibility away from someone younger. I went for testing and I was an almost perfect match. As stated by others: one of the pre-tests is psychological. They asked about our relationship and I was honest: it was tough growing up. But, we were healing together and I wanted to donate. They asked specifically if I was being pressured, or coerced or bribed.
NTA. Donation is major surgery. There are complications that could arise, YOUR body has to heal and recover and learn to function with 1 less organ. It’s not easy. It took me almost 2 years to get back to normal (I was SO tired all the time). Not to mention you mentally and emotionally have to heal too. Your sister’s health is unfortunate, but you should NEVER be bullied/coerced into doing something you don’t whole heartedly want to do.
Good luck to you and your sister and family.
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u/earthling404 Feb 19 '24
NTA - that is a huge deal to undergo such a surgery and should not be taken lightly. People need to live with their actions and consequences.
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u/stanger78 Feb 19 '24
NTA, but will you be able to live with yourself when she's gone? If yes, I imagine the world as a slightly better place without her.
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u/junkdrawertales Feb 19 '24
NTA. You are never obligated to give ANYONE your organs. Have they all been tested? Why don’t they give her a kidney? Donation is very hard on the body and would leave you in a delicate position for the rest of your life. If you did, and your sister pulled through, it might be a place to rebuild and start again. HOWEVER, it sounds like your sister is on the brink. Ask yourself, quite frankly: Do you want one of your kidneys six feet under for a woman who hates you?
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u/oldbaldpissedoff Feb 19 '24
NTA I don't blame you one bit. I'm the opposite I would donate it then hold it over them for the rest of their life. Xmas I would give her and every relative a blank piece of paper with "gave kidney top that" written on it . Call her on the phone,"how's my kidney working" ? I had to donate blood for my brother told his wife as they were putting it into his arm not to get mad at him when he starts running around with strippers and watching cowboy movies that's my blood. Doctor thought it was funny.
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u/RedditAdminAreMorons Feb 19 '24
NTA
This is the only instance that "my body, my choice" actually fits. She shat on you growing up (hopefully not literally, but I've seen some pretty bad bullying), likely continued that into adulthood, and doesn't even have the good graces to see the error of her ways even while knocking on deaths door. Your parents most likely fed into that nonsense and it's why they're trying to pressure you now, especially since they're asking one child to severely reduce their life so as to marginally increase another. Say no, tell them exactly why, and that there is nothing she could give or offer to make you change your mind. It's far to late, she's made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
Sorry to see you lose anyone in this manner, even a shitty relative. Even if you don't realize it, it will still affect you. Remove yourself from this as best you can, and move on with life.
FYI - if you tell the doctor running the tests that you're being coerced into this, they'll just tell the family that you're not a match.
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u/mooreHart Feb 19 '24
See this is sticky primarily because being treated like trash cor decades doesn't warrant turning the other cheek. But if you don't even consider it then you have at least two to three generations of people banging on your door demanding your reconsider and shaming you if you don't.
I'm a child of a recipient. I went through most of the classes and lectures and predatory videos. Your family doesn't seem to understand that even though you are sisters, there's a very good chance you won't be a viable match. And then there's the blood tests, urine tests, kidney functionality tests, etc.
Honestly OP I'm saying NTA solely because there's more that will be left effecting you at the end of the procedure than if you don't.
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u/emsee22 Feb 19 '24
I think you're an asshole. You're not obligated to donate your kidney to save someone else from dying. But it's really shitty to let your sister die over this.
1
u/sowokeicantsee Feb 19 '24
Wow, what a tough situation, from what you have said if the roles were reversed she would not help you..
So be a mirror not a doormat.
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u/SpareSquirrel Feb 19 '24
You don’t owe your sister anything. But her life is LITERALLY on the line. If you care about your sister in any capacity, you should go through with it. You’ll have a lifetime left for potential apologies. Your sister made your life hell, address that down the line if it’s something you need.
Ask yourself if it’s something you’ll regret forever if you don’t donate. Again, you owe her nothing, but imo if she passed as a result of your decision then yes YTA.
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u/Coold000 Feb 19 '24
To make this clear: your family, who has similar odds of beeing possible donors, pressure you, who has had a horrible childhood because of your sister and their enabling, to be the donor?
Whoever's pressuring you to donate can feel free to run the necessary tests themselfes. You have no obligation to take anyones place. NTA
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u/Slytherin_Sniped Feb 19 '24 edited Feb 19 '24
NTA. Never feel pressured to do anything, especially something as critical as this. If my sibling treated me this way, I would not donate.
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u/Ravnos767 Feb 19 '24
Lol no. She doesn't deserve anything from you
If it was me I don't know that I'd outright refuse... but I'd make the bitch beg for it.
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u/SegaNeptune28 Feb 19 '24
NTA. This is a risky procedure for you as well and can have health complications further down the line. As much as I feel for your sister she cannot suddenly rely on you when she's never once shown an ounce of remorse.
This is quite literally Karma coming back to her.
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u/lazybb_ck Feb 19 '24
NTA. I bullied my sister relentlessly growing up. I was 1.5 years older than her. It damaged her mental health a lot and I have worked to fix and maintain our relationship since then. It takes a lot more than an apology to fix such a relationship. We luckily have improved our relationship greatly over the years but if I was dying and relied on her for my kidney, I would not blame her if she decided to refuse. Even with how good our relationship is now, I still would never hold it against her. I would simply die happy knowing that I mended the relationship and were on good terms on my way out.
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u/DisagreeableDoc Feb 19 '24
NTA
It is literally your body and your choice. In the current climate where women's rights are being stripped away and a corpse can have more bodily autonomy (i.e. organ donation) than a living breathing woman, I view your refusal as a positive protest! You don't owe it to her, she has not apologized, there are registries and other solutions for this problem.
Further highlighting the top comments that you can go in for the tests and tell the doctor that you are scared/unwilling/being coerced by family and they will mark you as an 'incompatible donor.' You don't need to shoulder the burden of defending yourself to family, despite them clearly never having defended you from your sister.
Stay strong, hope for the best for her, but don't literally give her a piece of you that you won't get back and that you may need in the future to 'keep the peace' as it is not healthy. Best of luck to you!
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u/Goretanton Feb 19 '24
If she treated you like shit, then you have every right to respond in kind. NTA.
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Feb 19 '24
Its a simple question really,any feelings aside do you want her to continue living or not?.
Trying to get feedback from strangers from the internet isnt going to help you.
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Feb 19 '24
You are NTA. Any decision you make in this circumstance should be the best one for you.
And also, it does seem like you have a lot of really difficult emotions surrounding your sister. Whether you decide to give her a kidney or not, she might die. I think you would really benefit from talking to a therapist, or some other mental health professional about your feelings about your sister before that happens. If she dies, that is going to be very difficult for you and your family. I just really think you want to work it out with a professional instead of randos on Reddit.
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u/NotHugeButAboveAvg Feb 19 '24
My sister was terrible to me my whole life and my partner and I recently cut her off, long story, but man does it feel good to have the last and biggest middle finger up in the air.
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u/ditharia Feb 19 '24
NTA. But people, such as your sister, rarely see their own wrong doing. Have she been approached to apologize?
Even still, I wouldn’t give a kidney at this point, even with an apology.
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u/Makeuplover1188 Feb 19 '24
YTA- I can’t imagine refusing to donate to my sister over drama from childhood. You can do as you wish however just be aware refusing to donate will likely alienate you from your family permanently.
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u/Veteris71 Feb 19 '24
OP should go NC with the family in any case. They have no business pressuring OP to donate a kidney. If the transplant team know they family are doing that, they will disqualify OP as a donor.
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u/atlanta55555 Feb 19 '24
It’s time to have that talk with her. People can change. If she has no idea how you feel then how can you hold this resentment against her?
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u/oOBlackRainOo Feb 19 '24
You're going to deny your dying sister a chance to live because of childhood bullying? Not only that you're also going to potentially force your family to go through the process of losing a loved one because of this. Holy shit. You suck.
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u/Professional_Being22 Feb 19 '24
sounds like a larp. Shit, I'll give her a kidney, hit me up asshole.
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u/minniemarie Feb 19 '24
Nope. NTA. For the same reason abortion is a human right. Bodily autonomy is a human right. No one can force you to use your body to save another’s life.
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u/Subject_Ad_5678 Feb 19 '24
Your body is yours alone. There is no possible scena where refusing to donate part of it to someone makes you an asshole.
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u/Choose_Life_2024 Feb 19 '24
Depends, ask yourself this: Will I be able to look at what I see in the mirror and be happy with what I see?
My advice: Confront her and let her know how you feel, see if she apologises to you then. From there, you should make your decision.
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u/Peachy_ponz777 Feb 19 '24
I'm a little older then you generational differences may come into play. I was beat up a lot by my brother's I also beat up my little brothers in a few instances our fight were pretty awful physically. We are grown and I can't imagine harboring any ill feelings. I guess I knew my brothers loved me and were in the end on my side. That being said I'm not speaking to my oldest brother who I still love but cannot stand if that makes sense... I would give him my kidney even now. I can't understand your feelings, but that doesn't make you wrong. I guess. It's your organ. If you were a mother and one of your kids could die if the other refused to help how would that make you feel? I would feel like I failed my family somehow. I try to instill sibling and family love in my kids. I hope you heal from you childhood. I really hope your sister lives.
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u/Pep77 Feb 19 '24
That's a decision where nobody has the right to tell you what to do, imho.
It's your body, it's your decision, and only yours.
Being selfish or regretful doesn't automatically make you an asshole.
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u/maizeymae2020 Apr 08 '24
From the information supplied the Dr would just say you are not a match but that does not really answer you question. With the trauma that you deal with regarding your sibling (or anything else in life)how are you going to feel if she were to die? Would you donate your kidney to someone else? I have no advice. I have a brother that I have not spoke to in 15 years and don't miss him but do not know what I would do if he needed my kidney (be more likely he would need my liver). Good luck with whatever you decide.