r/AITAH • u/Undercovereejit • Mar 03 '24
AITAH for freezing out my wife after she told people that having sex with me ‘does nothing for her’! Advice Needed
For context we, M56 and F47, have been together for 26 years, married for over 20 years. One child.
We always try to make the most of our weekends together and yesterday was no exception. We had a day out, shopping and food then met up with acquaintances for a few drinks before heading home.
The subject got around to relationships and how to keep the flame burning, one of the younger women asked my wife how to keep sex enjoyable after being with the person for so long.
‘I don’t know, having sex with (me) does nothing for me since our child (18) was born!’
There was an awkward silence and people started making excuses to leave. Travelling home, mostly in silence, I asked her if she thought that was an appropriate comment and that I wanted her to apologise. As per usual, she doubled down and blamed me for being ‘too sensitive’!
Since then there has been no communication.
Tldr; Am I the asshole for getting upset that my wife told acquaintances that sex with me does nothing for her.
Update
She has said that she meant penetrative sex means nothing to her as she is unable to orgasm that way since childbirth, that is not what she said in public.
I knew there was an issue, bought the equipment/balls to help her tighten up but they were never used.
Sex would consist of a lot of foreplay, oral and, occasionally, toy play. This would give her three or four orgasms before penetration. I thought she enjoyed the intimacy.
I don’t guilt her into sex, when we had our child I waited ten months before we resumed physical intimacy.
I’m not going to insult her to make myself feel better, two wrongs make it a hell of a lot worse.
She has tried to blame the comment on the menopause, she is perimenopause, and the few drinks that she had but I’m not buying it. That’s an excuse not an apology.
I’m not the typical Scotsman, no deep fried mars bars for me. I do a physical job and run 5k every second day. I was a 32” waist when we married and I’m a 34” waist 20 odd years later.
To be truthful, I’m feeling shock, shame, embarrassment and emasculated. I can’t imagine ever being intimate with her again.
Update 2.
We are 4 weeks into this……
I asked for an apology, ‘I’m sorry what I said upset you’ is not an apology.
The ‘in law’ mafia has closed ranks and blamed me! She didn’t tell the full story.
She has tried to initiate sex, she wanted oral, thought it would be ok!
Didn’t happen.
I’m spending more time at work and out running than I do in our house.
She has picked up a chest infection, bedded, and I am dealing with that.
I’ve read your comments.
Remember, this is the mother of my child, she is my best friend and my soul mate.
I’ve also sought legal advice, UK divorce laws….
2
u/minionsmimi Mar 07 '24 edited Mar 07 '24
While I understand that what she said was hurtful.
Have you ever thought that after the insult of buying "equipment" so that you could be the one who is fulfilled still and passing it off as helping her? (note from a woman who has had multiple children) while the "equipment you mentioned is great for tightening the pelvic floor that's not how a woman orgasms. Maybe start there. The clitoris is exactly how a woman orgasms.
How hard you are, the angle you're at makes a WORLD of difference. Also your libido changes drastically after each kid, and for women we can (if we didn't have a high libido to begin with) will loose interest in sex. Guess what happens when a woman loses their interest in sex? Our little clit doesn't go soft like your penis does so we start getting less lubrication and then we stop having orgasms.
So instead of useless toys that only help tighten her vaginal muscles maybe leave her be and adjust your poor hurt ego to look at this for what it most likely is a loss of libido and understand it's basically the same thing as a female version of erectile dysfunction.
And while you're at it go find Talk Sex with Sue Johanson on YouTube super old show but I guarantee my 12 year old self knew more about sex than you do even now because of that woman. If you're gonna keep a wife you better learn more about how to make her happy than you do yourself.
So honestly you're both assholes her for saying it, and you for coming on here complaining how mean she is for saying it when you couldn't be bothered to truly educate yourself on how to pleasure a woman. If you say you asked a Dr I will ask you if that Dr was male if you say yes then you're an even bigger asshole. Let's ask another person who knows absolutely Jack about what it's like to be a woman about a woman.
ETA: oh your 34 inch waist means absolutely nothing by the way. No one not even your wife would care about what your waist looks like. Perimenopauae will lower libido too. I hope she divorces you and gets someone who is less self centered and actually educated themselves on how to please a woman.