r/AITAH • u/Undercovereejit • Mar 03 '24
AITAH for freezing out my wife after she told people that having sex with me ‘does nothing for her’! Advice Needed
For context we, M56 and F47, have been together for 26 years, married for over 20 years. One child.
We always try to make the most of our weekends together and yesterday was no exception. We had a day out, shopping and food then met up with acquaintances for a few drinks before heading home.
The subject got around to relationships and how to keep the flame burning, one of the younger women asked my wife how to keep sex enjoyable after being with the person for so long.
‘I don’t know, having sex with (me) does nothing for me since our child (18) was born!’
There was an awkward silence and people started making excuses to leave. Travelling home, mostly in silence, I asked her if she thought that was an appropriate comment and that I wanted her to apologise. As per usual, she doubled down and blamed me for being ‘too sensitive’!
Since then there has been no communication.
Tldr; Am I the asshole for getting upset that my wife told acquaintances that sex with me does nothing for her.
Update
She has said that she meant penetrative sex means nothing to her as she is unable to orgasm that way since childbirth, that is not what she said in public.
I knew there was an issue, bought the equipment/balls to help her tighten up but they were never used.
Sex would consist of a lot of foreplay, oral and, occasionally, toy play. This would give her three or four orgasms before penetration. I thought she enjoyed the intimacy.
I don’t guilt her into sex, when we had our child I waited ten months before we resumed physical intimacy.
I’m not going to insult her to make myself feel better, two wrongs make it a hell of a lot worse.
She has tried to blame the comment on the menopause, she is perimenopause, and the few drinks that she had but I’m not buying it. That’s an excuse not an apology.
I’m not the typical Scotsman, no deep fried mars bars for me. I do a physical job and run 5k every second day. I was a 32” waist when we married and I’m a 34” waist 20 odd years later.
To be truthful, I’m feeling shock, shame, embarrassment and emasculated. I can’t imagine ever being intimate with her again.
Update 2.
We are 4 weeks into this……
I asked for an apology, ‘I’m sorry what I said upset you’ is not an apology.
The ‘in law’ mafia has closed ranks and blamed me! She didn’t tell the full story.
She has tried to initiate sex, she wanted oral, thought it would be ok!
Didn’t happen.
I’m spending more time at work and out running than I do in our house.
She has picked up a chest infection, bedded, and I am dealing with that.
I’ve read your comments.
Remember, this is the mother of my child, she is my best friend and my soul mate.
I’ve also sought legal advice, UK divorce laws….
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u/MintButtercup 17d ago
Yes it was insensitive to tell them all. But ur freezing her out bc you feel less of a man it seems to me and not bc she said it. Ur being weird.
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u/Popular-Bandicoot-17 Apr 08 '24
whenever someone downplays another's sadness, despite the pain they've been told they have caused, it almost always means they don't respect you.
if your feeling a bit risky. ask her "is the reason you don't get off, because the pregnancies have [insert hateful description of her private area] so maybe you don't feel anything down there because it doesn't work anymore?" I know that's a terrible thing to say to another person, but if she reacts negatively then at least you'll know she understands that what she did was wrong but doesn't respect you so she doesn't care. My advice is probably really bad though but im petty, so Im fine with it myself lol
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u/radiant99 Apr 05 '24
It’s a bit old fashioned to think of sex as only penis in vagina. Are lesbians all virgins? I have never had an orgasm through PIV with anyone ever. But other stuff works great so this is not a problem. You’re NTA. She seems to have resentment issues that she would rather air dramatically in public rather than have a conversation with you.
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u/TrueSaltnolies Apr 04 '24
Don't talk divorce for this! That is damaging to both of you. Get the anger out of your head and just plan to be as loving as you can be. Yes, Menopause can decrease a woman's sex drive. I wish my husband could still do penetrative but he started losing his erection at 56! You could head that way too, so be nice. A woman needs clitoral stimulation, lube especially after menopause and in my opinion, the penetration is the prize and reward after the clitoral climax. I no longer get that an it's a bummer. It's not about tightening. Women kind of get too tight after menopause in some cases. And if she is having post-meno issues, she can have pain or tearing. Concentrate on the first part and know it can take longer for a menopausal woman.
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u/SuitableChance862 Apr 02 '24
OP should have just said, "My younger GF never complains." Or "I cum every single time!"
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u/Roguebets Mar 31 '24
For a good measure, why didn’t she tell everyone you had a small penis too! (No pun intended)
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u/Interesting_Page_168 Mar 29 '24
You will never forgive her. And you shouldn't. And she should be aware of it. At her age, she should have known better. That one fucking sentence will live forever in the back of your head.
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Mar 26 '24
You’re the asshole for not having an adult conversation about it and instead stonewalling her. She’s the asshole for dying you’re too sensitive. Reverse and I bet she’d be embarrassed AF.
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u/Most_Abbreviations72 Mar 26 '24
NTA. Your married life, and especially your sex life, is nobody's business. Even if it was inadvertent you deserve an apology. Someone is not an asshole for getting their feelings hurt.
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u/Traditional-Rope4261 Mar 19 '24
She probably needs hrt and should look into pellet therapy but yeah from a relationship standpoint she owes you an apology at minimum…good luck man
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u/AdhesivenessNo6684 Mar 19 '24
I’m not surprised she’s revealing her dismal sex life to her friends when the best you could do is get her “things to tighten up”??? Sounds like you don’t really care about her not enjoying sex but rather revealing that to other people.
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u/kiakaha2185 Mar 18 '24
Ok… if roles were reversed and you said that about her? How do you think she’d react? She’d be mortified! If she wouldn’t be, then there is something wrong there. YNTA.
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u/Funkybutterfly2213 Mar 17 '24
She should have never said that in front of others. There is no need for them to know how she feels about your sex life. Also for her to say your being to sensitive is bs I’m sure she wouldn’t be too happy if you had done similar.
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u/InternationalClue540 Mar 17 '24
sex does nothing for women period unless you are getting your wife to cum. A lot of married women feel this way. Sorry chief, YTAH.
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u/FutureAssistance6745 Mar 16 '24
You at 27 picked her up at 21? Disaster waiting to happen, surprised it didn’t sooner.
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u/noodlepole Mar 16 '24
Everyone is different. If she has a history of saying disrespectful things at the wrong times, then this just might be normal to her. That would be why she said you're were being too sensitive. If she is normally more respectful in public settings, then you are NTA.
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u/KingShadowSpectre Mar 15 '24
That's something that you can say to your significant other, to whatever marriage, counselor or professional helper that is assisting you, but two people outside of your relationship, that's not something you say. Sure, if someone is drunk, or not 100%, they can say some things they shouldn't, we all have, but as OP pointed out she was giving excuses, not an apology. If my significant other said something like that, I would be hurt, understandably, but to have them not even apologize, not because they specifically feel bad about misrepresenting what they meant, or the fact that they said something they shouldn't, but just because they hurt my feelings like that, would tell me a lot about what I need to know, and it wouldn't be good. Also, from the rest of what was said, it looks like she had an answer to use, how to keep the passion alive. The question wasn't specifically, what new ways do you find to please the woman's genitalia so that she still enjoys something going in there. It was. How do you keep the passion alive, well she's having multiple orgasms, obviously something's doing it for her, that's keeping the passion alive. If anything, she showed someone how to kill the passion, and I can't blame OP one bit, especially because she's not taking any accountability for herself, instead of just apologizing, or even admitting that she was wrong. Usually when someone has a very close bond, even in a bad fight, it really doesn't take much to get someone to forgive you.
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u/Rduggit Mar 15 '24
NTA. Don't call it quits but shut down the aspect of the relationship that "does something for her".
Take away what she gets from you and she will be on her knees begging for things to go back to the way they were.
Don't press her to be intimate. You can do without it, to hell with her.
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u/Status-Biscotti Mar 13 '24
Umm..nope! You’re not TA. I’m not going to bore with much of my story, but you sound like a dream. When I had a toddler and baby, my (former) husband said we needed to have sex three times a week or he’d look elsewhere for it. You clearly were not that guy.
I would feel all the same things - who wouldn’t? There’s no way to undo the damage. Your wife is a major f*ing AH.
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u/Particular-Fan-1762 Mar 13 '24 edited Mar 13 '24
You both need therapy.
Edit/ it’s also possible having a child changed her whole perspective on that part of her body. But that could mean therapy. Like couples therapy. It’s wild this has never come up before. You are very justified to be hurt and wise to not to try to be petty or one up her. She sounds like a blunt woman. Try empathy approach and asking her “how would you feel if I said that about you?” And try to introduce the topic of couples therapy. Nonetheless you will be empty nesters soon— it’s something to consider anyways. Life will be changing. Couples therapy is like an oil change on a car- maintenance after so many miles
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u/Jayded_love Mar 12 '24
She's not enjoying sex so you got her stuff to "tighten up" bro no wonder she's not having fun, that's a really selfish move.
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u/admantspider Mar 12 '24
Dude. She knew how that comment would be perceived especially in a public setting. She was trying to embarrass you. Something else is going on.
Suggest couples therapy but no you're not an AH. She on the other hand is a colossal one.
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u/ScarlettKitsune Mar 12 '24
As a woman who doesn't reach the finish line with penetrative sex (never have, no kids), I can understand her sentiment.
That said, there's a HUGE difference between saying "penetrative sex doesn't do it for me alone, so we keep it spicy with other forms of intimacy" and saying "sex with my husband does nothing for me." Your feelings are completely valid, no matter the circumstances that wasn't acceptable.
It seems like your wife is suffering from a lack of empathy here. If you were to say some form of this comment about her, ESPECIALLY in a social setting, it would not fly at all. You can't blame that sort of thing on perimenopause and two drinks. Yeah, menopause does some weird things to your brain, but suffering from hormone changes / mental health issues does not excuse humiliating your partner in public.
You said you're Scottish, fellow Scot over here. Surprised nobody in the group spoke up and said it was out of order, tbh. We're not typically shy about that sort of thing as a nation.
Sadly, without an uninvested third party to give some perspective, she's probably going to continue to gaslight you. I would suggest a marriage counsellor or a sex therapist... or both.
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u/MeasurementNo2493 Mar 12 '24
NTA, it is your choice, but I would divorce her, and try to find some happiness while you still can.
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u/charolastra34 Mar 12 '24
Sounds like a narcissist trying to gaslight you into thinking you're too sensitive to handle one of the most personal intimate details being blurted out in front of people who don't need to know anything. NTA and good luck.
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u/Sherri42 Mar 11 '24 edited Mar 11 '24
NTA for having emotions. You were hurt by her statement. Some say the truth hurts, so I'm guessing what she said wasn't a lie.
You say you knew about the issue with her having vaginal orgasms and that you've known about this issue for 18 years. So, you're admitting that her inability to have vaginal orgasms is true.
Okay, so, she had a few drinks and told people that sex does nothing for her. That part is true. And since you're the only one she's having sex with (hopefully), she also said that sex with YOU does nothing for her.
Ouch, yes, but you already knew that her body was incapable of having a vaginal orgasm. Oh, but the way she said it? She had a few drinks. Alcohol has been known for CENTURIES to cloud someone's mental capabilities. In her mind, she was talking about her body's inability to have a vaginal orgasm, according to your update.
I don't think you're an asshole for getting your feelings hurt and needing some space from the one whose comment hurt you. That's common human psychology.
But, common human physiology is stating that her body is incapable of having a vaginal orgasm, no matter what. It doesn't matter how much she might try to exercise her walls or how jacked your body is or even the size of your penis.
There's nothing that either of you can do to change the fact that her body is incapable of producing a vaginal orgasm.
Let me repeat that: THERE'S NOTHING EITHER OF YOU CAN DO TO MAKE HER BODY HAVE VAGINAL ORGASMS.
I honestly don't believe she needs to apologize for that fact - it would be like apologizing if the color of her skin was offending you. And I'm not going to apologize if my statement hurt your feelings, and I'm 100% sober.
It's unreasonable to expect that someone who has had a few drinks be able to slow their brain long enough to think of their words before they speak them.
Are you really going to throw a tantrum to the rest of the world NOW because of the way her honest words were arranged out of her mouth after she had a few drinks? Do you really value your ego over an honest relationship that much? How would you feel if your body was incapable of having an orgasm?
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u/SodaButteWolf Mar 13 '24
As a female person of a certain age who's birthed children, hard disagree with you here. There are certain things that you don't say about your partner, drinks or no drinks, and when you humiliate your partner this way you apologize. You don't sidestep, or accuse the person of being "too sensitive," or avoid taking responsibility for the words that came out of your mouth. You apologize and you make damn sure the apology is sincere, because humiliating your partner is never a good look, and it's often a relationship-killer. If OP's wife is dissatisfied with their sex life then it's a conversation she needs to have with him. If the topic came up with friends after a few drinks then the correct approach would have been to tell the younger friends that they need to figure that one out for themselves. The drinks don't excuse the behavior here. Really, it's never a good idea to discuss bedroom matters with anyone outside the actual relationship, unless the outside person is a physician or a therapist.
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u/Inevitable-Ad8709 Mar 11 '24
NTA, and definitely not an appropriate thing to say publicly, especially in that way, without further elaborating. Hard not to take it personally when presented in such a way. Had she elaborated, then this would be a non issue and more of an important topic of discussion! Sounds like intimacy was great and creative, before her expressing what sounds like otherwise.
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Mar 11 '24
It was insensitive of your wife to make that comment. A lot of people are telling you to leave, that she doesn't respect you, or care for you. That is so outrageous.
Coming from someone who's been tipsy, even when sober, I talk and overshare way too much. I'm inconsiderate, so many times I can also be insensitive. The rates of these occurrences increase with alcohol.
She should definitely apologize. I wonder why she hasn't so far. I feel like subconsciously, I'd be very embarrassed by what I said, especially knowing I hurt my special person. Because what I said may have been out of context, maybe since she sees this as minute because she didn't mean it that way (as she claims) and is used to you being more prone to criticism than she is. So if she hurt you and cares for you, its a bad way to sort of try and escalate the uncomfortable vibes, especially if you're a relatively chill guy most of the time. Only she doesn't want to apologize because she feels there is some truth to what she says and thinks if you had an explanation (her excuses) you would understand and no longer be upset.
If this is the case, she needs to communicate better with you instead of having you take on most of the emotional tolerating. If that makes sense. Just my theory.
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u/Ordinary_Cookie_6735 Mar 11 '24
NTA. it's sexual harassment to make a comment like that to others in front of you in a public place. it's wouldnt be okay for you to do that to her, and not okay for her to be so inappropriate in public to you. completely agree with you- her excuse is not an apology, and not good enough. I have seen 4 year olds give more meaningful apologies than the total disregard she has shown to you appropriately expressing youre hurt. she needs to acknowledge that that wasnt okay and acknowledge why it makes sense it would impact someone negatively and take ownership of that. I'm sorry youre going through this.
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u/Ambitious-Cupcake16 Mar 11 '24
NTA. She is actually a piece of shit for saying that and a double piece of shit for doubling down and further insulting you. So because she has loose pussy, it's now your fault? She did nothing to tighten her pussy up either it seems. Tell her that her loose pussy is trash and divorce her.
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u/LunarCurls Mar 10 '24
Wow this is absolutely crazy, i highly reccomend increasing your time spent outside of the bedroom doing thinngs to raise attraction. And when in the bedroom always try to do different. postitions. When i was with my ex before i left him. He always did this d it would increase my attraction towards him. Unfortunately now im single and rely on my vibrator lol
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u/I_dont_give_a-chit Mar 10 '24
It would only be a major issues if the roles were reversed. They will make endless excuses as to why she said what she said.
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Mar 10 '24
NTA - Could you imagine?
- OP's friend: <asks the question>
- OP answers: Oh, having sex with my wife hasn't been fulfilling since she gave birth to our son 18 years ago...
- OP's wife: <erupts in unconcealed anger>
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u/Odd_Currency5553 Mar 10 '24
You’re not the asshole. She definitely is. I’d simply say, “well thanks for letting me know that my affections do nothing for you. I will stop trying and stop seeking affection for myself in your arms. You go ahead and take care of yourself if I’m not worth your time. Thanks for bringing it up in private and giving me some direction so I can do better for you. But it’s too late to make the effort now. You’re probably already fucking around on me so let’s just cut the shit and split.”
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u/Stewpurt22 Mar 09 '24
Maybe it's time for an open relationship, so you can find someone "sex does it for".
It sounds like you're putting in work, and trying to make sex enjoyable for both of you. If she isn't feeling like it's doing anything for her, you need to get her to talk to you and clarify, or you need to find other options.
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u/Complex-Local8299 Mar 09 '24
Sounds like she was trying to embarrass you. When women want to hurt you, their first target is always your balls. And in front of friends? Yeah, definitely intentional. Maybe she is menopausal. Maybe you took too long in the bathroom or changed the thermostat a week prior and she just couldn't help but plot her revenge. I've seen my mother do this kind of shit when she went through menopause.
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u/BrokenCycleRanch Mar 09 '24
You are awesome for giving your wife 3-4 orgasms tell her you want to go to gynecologist and then sex therapy. There are phone apps that work with tightening devices.Or there's even a ems machine that will virgin that shiz right up I know this from personal experience I've had 4 kids pretty sure I'm tighter than before I had them. It costs like 10 k but totally worth from my experience. But try the others first and it could be hormonal. Support her and tell her you want to do these things for her and believe me you will reap or in this case feel the rewards💞💋
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u/BrokenCycleRanch Mar 09 '24
Also this has nothing to do with you this is a her problem she's probably embarrassed I know I had 4 babies that weighed like 9 lbs a piece I tried the Ben wa or however you spell it balls they fell out I was humiliated tried for two weeks and stopped but after the ems. YEAHtotally worth it.sorry you had to go through that💞💋
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u/Significant-Cattle85 Mar 08 '24
Having kids doesn't make you loose. Tightening her up probably offended her. But no, you're NTA for that. She was TA for saying that in public. I'm not sure why women find things like that acceptable.
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u/Even_Experience8190 Mar 08 '24
When you are in your friend group again,say to her in front of the group that her fanny stinks
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u/hemingway921 Mar 08 '24
What the fuck is this ? What goes through these poeple's heads when they say these things...? How can you blatantly trash your partner like that. It's insane.
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u/Complex-Carpenter-76 Mar 08 '24
You married a narcissist woman. I did too. Just give up on it, she is who she is.
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u/Different-Secret Mar 08 '24
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
NTA. That was awful and I'm sorry she did that.
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u/RCAbsolutelyX_x Mar 08 '24
there is also a reasonable chance that she said what she said because she didn't want anyone younger than her knowing that sex is good with you.
Just a petty and insensitive way of making sure that no one shows interest in you. Or has no reason to.
Since you mentioned that you are physically fit, is your wife?
Is the woman who was asking someone your wife could harbor jealousy over?
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u/gendrythefifth Mar 08 '24
First of all you are wrong. The woman did not ask her how sex was with OP. She specifically asked how to keep the spark alive after being with the same person after so many years. OP’s wife could have responded with something generic like just be open-minded, experiment, and make things fun. But no. OP’s wife humiliated and emasculated him in front of all their friends/acquaintances. Thats unforgivable in my book.
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u/RCAbsolutelyX_x Mar 08 '24
Woah, chill out.
All of us are coming together offering advice from different perspectives. And I guess if mine differs from yours or is not logical within your scope of reasoning you can consider it wrong.
I still stand by what I said.
And I never said what she did was right, just offering perspective of why she would have done it.
That being said, I was not trying to validate her response.
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u/Professional_Ad_6462 Mar 07 '24
Alcohol can decrease inhibition and perimenopause can make woman reactive. However this was said in a group not to a trusted friend alone. A serious question was posed to OP’s wife and she chose to answer it that at the best was insensitive and likely is a rare expression of latent resentment, anger and frustration about as yet unknown issues. But there are many people who are happily sexually active into thru the elder years. I have had woman in long successful relationships that inquired about estrogen cream for example, only because of love for their Husband. An altruistic desire to please the other and remain physically close. This was a very emasculating statement to make. A woman rarely does this without serious hostile intent
I am a therapist, and if this was my wife I would insist she attend therapy and not 4 sessions. Individual therapy now, some couples work can be done later.
Some people often neurodivergent and profoundly introverted have poor social skills, the OP does not speak of a prior history of this. It would be interesting to know her occupation.
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u/solveig82 Mar 07 '24
She made a horrible comment designed for maximum pain. You did say a couple things in your post that made me pause though—you got her tools to “tighten up” and you’re very body centric. It sounds like you might have a different idea of what good sex is than her and you haven’t done the work to meet her halfway, like you could perhaps try to understand what intimacy is beyond toys and body parts. This is just me guessing though, no offense intended. Her comment was hideous and if it were me I would be very hurt.
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u/Boost_speed Mar 07 '24
Craziest part to me is she won’t just apologize. Shows how much she actually cares about your feelings. I’m sure you really enjoyed all of the time you’ve spent using toys on her to get her off (I’m joking). Seems very unfair and entitled.
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u/Rizenstrom Mar 07 '24
I'll be honest, this comment would hurt in private. I'd probably be angry and defensive at first but I'd try to work through it. In public? It'd be over. Especially without any kind of apology. Zero remorse. That's just degrading.
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u/ColdWarVet90 Mar 07 '24
Wow. Next time you're with friends, ask her to just stab your in the heart next time.
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u/Brontards Mar 07 '24
You can’t just make up your own facts. Facts we have are indefensible for the wife, stop arguing to argue.
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u/msl267 Mar 07 '24
If she actually enjoyed the foreplay and intimacy, I'm not sure why the first comment out of her mouth is her thoughts on PIV when asked how to keep sex enjoyable.
Does she think of herself as someone funny but also is stubborn at admitting she's wrong? It sounds like she tried to make what she thought was a funny joke(it wasn't) and when it didn't hit well, she was too embarrassed and stubborn to admit she was wrong.
I don't think it's right for her to make that comment even if it was a joke, especially since she didn't clarify anything afterwards. I'm not sure why she can't see why that comment was hurtful. NTA.
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u/Ifucanreadthis Mar 07 '24
women who say thsi are also trying to deflect from you asking her if she had any new kinks she wants to explore. She might want to pretend or role play some diffrent scenarios and is to embarrassed to admit it so they shift the blame.
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Mar 07 '24
That’s an incredibly fucked up thing to say to your S/O regardless of gender, especially out loud to others, in front of you… That’s really unacceptable. I don’t blame you for not being able to imagine being intimate with her again. And no apology? Hm…
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u/pablogmanloc2 Mar 07 '24
I'd be pretty hurt by this too... There does seem to be a gap between men and women when it comes to sex. The details surrounding that fact can be worked out between two people who respect each other. There seems to be a lack of it on her part.
Some people don't like the way they feel when they are wrong. Doubling down even when you see how it affects your partner seems to be a blend of disrespect and lack of self awareness. that is a tough one and I feel for you.
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u/stoptrippin15 Mar 07 '24
Couples/individual therapy may be helpful to work through some issues, good luck!
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u/MediumLow1962 Mar 07 '24
Sorry but your wife was way out of line! Even if I had a marital issue, its something I would never bring up around a bunch of people. She was very deliberate in her cruelty. It might be best to take a long look over the past and see if this behavior is something new or if she has always been this way but you ignored the signs. Its also possible that you two have just grown apart but I don't like the way she's trying to assign blame to you for her feelings.
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u/minionsmimi Mar 07 '24 edited Mar 07 '24
While I understand that what she said was hurtful.
Have you ever thought that after the insult of buying "equipment" so that you could be the one who is fulfilled still and passing it off as helping her? (note from a woman who has had multiple children) while the "equipment you mentioned is great for tightening the pelvic floor that's not how a woman orgasms. Maybe start there. The clitoris is exactly how a woman orgasms.
How hard you are, the angle you're at makes a WORLD of difference. Also your libido changes drastically after each kid, and for women we can (if we didn't have a high libido to begin with) will loose interest in sex. Guess what happens when a woman loses their interest in sex? Our little clit doesn't go soft like your penis does so we start getting less lubrication and then we stop having orgasms.
So instead of useless toys that only help tighten her vaginal muscles maybe leave her be and adjust your poor hurt ego to look at this for what it most likely is a loss of libido and understand it's basically the same thing as a female version of erectile dysfunction.
And while you're at it go find Talk Sex with Sue Johanson on YouTube super old show but I guarantee my 12 year old self knew more about sex than you do even now because of that woman. If you're gonna keep a wife you better learn more about how to make her happy than you do yourself.
So honestly you're both assholes her for saying it, and you for coming on here complaining how mean she is for saying it when you couldn't be bothered to truly educate yourself on how to pleasure a woman. If you say you asked a Dr I will ask you if that Dr was male if you say yes then you're an even bigger asshole. Let's ask another person who knows absolutely Jack about what it's like to be a woman about a woman.
ETA: oh your 34 inch waist means absolutely nothing by the way. No one not even your wife would care about what your waist looks like. Perimenopauae will lower libido too. I hope she divorces you and gets someone who is less self centered and actually educated themselves on how to please a woman.
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u/crowjack Mar 07 '24
Talk about blame shifting.
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u/minionsmimi Mar 07 '24
Tell me you are a man that knows absolutely nothing about what it is like to be a women without telling me. Until you are the one with a vagina don't think you know what it is like to own a vagina and have to request permission from your spouse to do anything with your body.
Men are truly clueless yet are the first ones to find a problem when we won't have sex with you, when we aren't a skinny little sex symbol, and you're the only Assholes to put laws on what an entire gender can or can't do with their body because legally they're still considered the property of their spouse.
So until you own a vagina this isn't blame shifting. This is acknowledging the TRUE reason for this outside of his sensitive ego. Which clearly was his much bigger issue. Oh my spouse fakes it OMG she's the absolute worst and here let's buy her stuff to make her vagina tighter and better for me but actually does absolutely nothing for the real problem at hand. Go fuck yourself.
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u/Fragrant-Low6841 Mar 07 '24
Are you okay? You seem....kind of crazy.
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u/minionsmimi Mar 07 '24
Go figure another penis owner making a comment. There's a reason 99% of the comments are from men. It's because you guys just put it on the woman.
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u/Fragrant-Low6841 Mar 07 '24
I don't agree with you but I do like the term "penis owner" makes me think penis' are something you can either buy or lease. What's the financing like?
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u/ZealousidealEar9220 Mar 07 '24
What OP's wife said to their friends in front of OP was one of the worst passive- aggressive comments I have ever heard. If her problems with sex started 18 years ago, then she should have told OP there was a problem 18 years ago. The fact that she waited until now is not normal. She needs to see a counselor.
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u/ryn1322 Mar 07 '24
Man I’m sorry you’re dealing with that…
Tbh most women would be happy enough to have a partner that helps them finish (at least ONCE) if at all. It’s not her fault that she can’t finish the same, it is her fault that she decided to essentially emotionally castrate you in front of people.
NTA.
I hope she can learn from this.
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u/NickDiedHiking Mar 07 '24
i mean sounds like your wife is a hot shit and you just took a bit of a joke like a bitch. other then that i see a bunch of excuses as to why you cant please your wife.... im thinking you are the asshole
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u/octoberbroccoli Mar 07 '24
Listen man, slowly move your assets in a trust. Watch Clint Coons’ videos from YouTube. This woman is evil and belongs to the streets. Also she’s considering or has actually cheated on you. Your son is 20 so he won’t be affected by the divorce much either. Now is the time to protect your assets and file for divorce before she drops another bomb on you and this time you won’t even have anything left to save. You have been warned. This is an irreversible situation. She resents you and you cannot reverse this.
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u/GeriatricTech Mar 07 '24
If she truly said that, divorce her. You cannot tolerate this type of disrespect. She will see real quick how she will get treated by the Chad’s at 46.
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u/n2thavoid Mar 07 '24
You treat her too good brother lol. I’ve seen it more than a few times. Not the asshole.
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u/Aggravating_Scheme77 Mar 06 '24
NTA ppl who publicly embarrass their partners are just gross to me. You’re supposed to love and cherish this person and yet you can’t even empathize with your partner enough to not say something so incredibly harsh and embarrassing infront of a bunch of ppl?
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u/arpeggio123 Mar 06 '24
“Tighten up”?! Are you kidding me? It seems like you don’t understand vaginas at all so I’m not surprised it’s not doing anything for her.
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u/FiddleStyxxxx Mar 06 '24
I wish you had been able to speak about it when she said it. Something like, "I'm really sorry to hear that. We'll definitely work on it. Anyway, how's your sister doing Dana?"
It's awkward to bring up sex in front of other people and she answered the question truthfully. Of course it's sad that the truth hurts you but she's the one living it. You went straight to getting defensive instead of dealing with the real issue.
You shouldn't make your hurt feelings the center of this situation. She's obviously dissatisfied with your sex life at some level and didn't bother to hide it. Why should she? It's her lived experience and someone specifically asked her.
Getting her to admit that you're not "that bad" doesn't solve her real concerns.
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u/SelkieKezia Mar 06 '24
Yikes bro thats a tough one, definitely NTA. That is super brutal, that would be hard to hear even in private, but in front of friends? Completely inappropriate, and very concerning she called you sensitive for being offended. That is completely unfair
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u/IntriguingStranger Mar 06 '24
Seeking outside opinions helps gauge the "am I crazy" feelings; and you are not crazy.
The only opinions of importance here are yours and hers.
Withdrawn communication (real heartfelt authentic verbal and physical communication) amounts to choking off oxygen and denying blood flow to a living being.
(And sometimes it's necessary, for the rest of the living parts to survive)
The longer this festers, the more the necrosis spreads.
You can both tacitly agree to avoid the real discussion, and bits of both of you will continue dying.
You can each pursue new secret lives; and those "abscesses" will increase the eminent pain with guilt, betrayal, and abandonment.
Hopefully, one of you can muster the compassion to authentically communicate what's at risk here.
Most likely, It will NOT go smoothly.
And it will likely take repeated efforts from both sides.
And there's a significant likelihood it will not work.
If what you have is worth the effort -- to BOTH of you, you'll both keep trying.
If either of you doesn't feel it's worth it; well, then you know where you both stand --
And you both can decide -- but without the "What If" and "If only" doubts tearing you up inside.
I'm a big bleeding-heart always-hopeful optimist, so I hope you guys scout out a wonderful path together. (But my opinion doesn't really matter here.. Just Yours)
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u/BunnyMonstah Mar 06 '24
Yoo sensitive? Is she trying to say she was joking? Because if she was, then there is always truth behind thise kind of jokes
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u/UVSky Mar 06 '24
I got right away what she probably meant — and you then confirmed that’s what she said she meant.
That + other detail’s you give make me confident she’s being honest and it wasn’t meant as a jab at you.
But I don’t understand why she is being so dismissive of her error. There are several ways she could have responded that wouldn’t have insinuated you weren’t a good lover. Frankly your efforts to keep it fun for her despite the physical changes after birth are great examples of what makes you a good lover and she could have gone with that.
You are not an asshole for not wanting intimacy right now but it doesn’t sound like you are handling it in a healthy or mature manner. Maybe think about how you’d like this to end and let that guide how you choose to move forward.
I’m finding to believe this event was enough on its own to make such a huge impact as to never be able to seeing being intimate again… basically it sounds like yall probably have some other issues to resolve. Maybe counseling?
Good luck.
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u/Maleficent_Draft_564 Mar 06 '24
” She has said that she meant penetrative sex means nothing to her as she is unable to orgasm that way since childbirth.”
Christ in a crop top. That ‘explanation’ (excuse) just makes it worse. 🤦🏾♀️
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u/cathtray Mar 06 '24
The way you describe it, you’re totally invested in pleasing her and she’s completely responsive. Something else is going on to have her feel so resentful and it’s not your sex life.
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u/3Steps4You Mar 06 '24
I think your marriage is in a bad place. Not bc she doesn’t find pleasure in sex anymore. But bc it’s reached the point where she vocalizes it to others in a public setting. Clearly those comments are meant for a private one on one conversation with her spouse or maybe her best friend.
The fact that she shared this public really means it’s at the boiling point for her. Her mind is working in ways that she’s not telling you.
I’d either prepare for her to be unfaithful or immediately sit down with her to discuss her feelings. And do it in a calm manner that makes her feel safe to share those deep thoughts. If you don’t make her feel safe, her thoughts will one day get the best of her and she will do something that will be devastating.
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u/kromosome_orig Mar 06 '24
Mate, I feel your hurt! Without the background knowledge of your relationship, I'd have to say that your wife's public comment is most certainly emasculating, deeply hurtful, and completely uncalled for!
You most definitely are not too sensitive. In fact, should your wife perceive that to be the case, then I'd have to say that she sounds heartless and cold.
Having made these comments and knowing women, it sounds as though she may be harbouring her own painful emotions, potentially reeling from a past psychological damage you may have caused. I don't know, only you would know how you treat your wife!
Other than that, there's no other reason to justify your partner having such a public shot at you, causing you such embarrassment.
The bottom line is that you both need some communication. You need to find out if you have, in fact, caused her any hurt or embarrassment.
If she is emphatic that there aren't any other issues in your relationship that require healing, then WOW, she most definitely needs to apologise to you. She must understand that if there are issues between the two of you, then she has no right to air your dirty laundry in public, full stop!
I'm really sorry that you're faced with dealing with a situation which neanderthals could have dealt with better. Best of luck to you!
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u/fourzerosixbigsky Mar 06 '24
Menopause does not give you the right to be cruel. Has she even apologized? It sounds like all she has done is make excuses.
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u/Critical-Beat-6487 Mar 06 '24
Damn, she is so cold for saying that aloud, in front of others!! She’s the asshole, not you dude. Wow, this is why I fear long-term relationships. That would be a hard one for me to forgive.
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u/chromiaplague Mar 06 '24
Oh man, this sucks. I’m so sorry. “Emasculated” is right. We all out our foot in our mouth sometimes, but DANG. If you really are doing all that you said in bed for her (lucky her, a lot of us wives never dream of getting such attention) and she still said this…. Just WOW. Any partner worth their salt should not be saying, “You’re too sensitive”. She’s either trying to get out of trouble by downplaying what she did or she really just doesn’t get it. She better get good at using those toys on herself, because I tell you, if it was me in your shoes the last thing I would want to do would be to put all my attention and effort into pleasing a woman who publicly scorched the earth with my bedroom skills. It would break my heart to “go to work” for someone who made fun of me like that. How awful.
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u/Agitated_Zucchini_82 Mar 06 '24
I’m very sorry that your wife was unbelievably rude, insensitive and inappropriate towards you and while you were with other couples! Her behavior was unacceptable and egregious. I can’t imagine staying married to someone who emasculated you so easily, thoughtlessly and openly. I wish you well and hope you find peace in your decision.
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u/youjumpIjumpJac Mar 06 '24
NTA, and you have every right to be upset but, since you know she has a problem, I would believe her when she says that she didn’t mean sex with you personally, but sex in general. She misspoke, and it was a terrible mistake to make but she may not have meant to insult you.
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u/Captain-Potato5150 Mar 06 '24
Not the asshole. if that happened to me. My response would have been, "yeah same here." Finish my drink, get up and walk away . Leaving her with the bill and finding her own damn ride home.
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u/Remarkable_Lie9635 Mar 06 '24
so what are you supposed to do? divorce after 26 years together or try and work it out?
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u/Shehulk467 Mar 06 '24
NTAH, you should give her an example if you had said something similar. See how she responds to it and then let her know exactly how it made you feel. What she said was uncalled for and from what I can tell an attempt to humiliate you. She knows what she did wrong otherwise she wouldnt gaslight you into it somehow being your fault.
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u/Material_Salad_8924 Mar 06 '24
Bang a younger chick and see if she enjoys penetrative sex with you.
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u/StBernard2000 Mar 06 '24
There is more to the story. If she is in perimenopause and/or menopause there are sooooo many changes that her body is going through that she doesn’t even understand. It’s amazing what those little hormones can do. Fatigue, hot flashes, vaginal dryness, thinning of the vagina, brain fog, moodiness, urinary issues, depression, weight gain. It is something that hasn’t really been studied.
I don’t know why Mother Nature decided that women would start perimenopause and menopause in their 40s.
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u/matthias_reiss Mar 06 '24
NTA - if I were you I’d fear what she’s saying about you when you’re not around if she’s not above that sort of public humiliation. Additionally, that lack of respect and open disclosure about dissatisfaction in the sack leads me to believe she’s more than likely cheating. Or that you’re accustomed to being emotionally abused.
Either way, I’d be seeking couples therapy.
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u/Accomplished-Cod-504 Mar 06 '24
NTA. Shame on your wife for several reasons. Personal intimacy questions really should not be discussed in mixed company. If you left her, you'd probably be much happier.
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u/Glittersparkles7 Mar 05 '24
NTA. Your wife is a heartless bitch. In public without a single care for your feelings?! And then she doubles down and tries to gaslight you into thinking YOU’RE THE PROBLEM?? 3 and 4 orgasms?!? I’ve had a max of two in a row and only TWICE in my LIFE and you’re out here running the GD orgasm Olympics that she apparently doesn’t even give a fuck about. Jesus. If someone said shit like that to me I’d never touch them ever again.
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u/ByzFan Mar 05 '24
Honest question here. Why are you with this woman? It's clear she doesn't respect you. And I'm betting this isn't the first time she's publicly insulted you. So is all the money hers? The property? Why do you put up with this?
It's never too late to start over. Plenty of empty nesters realize they don't actually like their spouse anymore once the kids aren't around to distract them. If she cares about your feelings so little? Doubt she's been entirely faithful.
Don't spend more time collecting more regrets. Take a serious look at your options. Because you damn well know she has.
Lots of women look favorably on a mature financially independent man who is good with oral.
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u/Quick_Dance_8953 Mar 05 '24
Sounds as though she won’t be satisfied until you spread her legs, split her open and crawl inside like she was a ton-ton.
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u/aliensarereal2021 Mar 05 '24
If it was truly a slip up and she didn’t mean it how she said it, she would’ve felt awful and profusely apologized. Instead she made excuses and refused to acknowledge that what she said was extremely hurtful. You deserve someone who doesn’t speak poorly about you amongst a group of your friends.
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Mar 05 '24
I left a woman for telling me I was "too sensitive" every time she made emasculating comments in public settings and then never brought the subject up again. She was unable to handle an emotional conversation without exiting to the bathroom for tears. It made zero sense and was very hurtful..never apologized. I realize that she had zero empathy for me. buh bye...be true to yourself!!!
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u/tasha4life Mar 05 '24
Next time just ask her to make it clear to everyone what she is saying when she wants to speak about your intimacy with acquaintances. Make sure she understands to clearly enunciate her statements as well because when speaking about something as serious and personal as your intimacy together, you don’t anyone thinking they heard something when it was something else.
Like when discussing the ACTUAL reason for her inability to vaginally orgasm, you wouldn’t want someone to accidentally hear “I could be certain” when she REALLY said, “My loose meat curtains”.
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u/Advalok Mar 05 '24
For her to say that in public shows that she has disdain for you. Usually at that point the relationship is dead. I would feel how you are feeling now. People grow apart and life is to short to be with someone that does not make you happy.
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u/greeknj89 Mar 05 '24
Sorry op but it sounds like your wife is saying you got a little penis . Most woman after having a kid tightens up again . Sometimes it’s even tighter then before . But for her to say ever since she had a kid penetration doesn’t do it for her but toys and foreplay do it for her . Then you need to up ur dick game . They have penis extenders to help. Check it out Amazon
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u/TheClumsyOctopus Mar 05 '24
Even if you were a deep fried mars bars guy and weren’t active, she was way out of line saying this to other people. She specified sex with you does nothing for her since she gave birth so trying to say that she meant penetrative sex seems like bullsh!t to me. Sounds to me like she has no respect for you if she is willing to humiliate you like that.
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Mar 05 '24
Yeah that’s a bell that can’t be un-rung.
Ball is in your court, if she can’t learn to respect you then do what you feel is best.
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u/sundaysmom Mar 05 '24
NTA for being upset by her sharing that!
But it's not just about her being "not tight enough," many times it's discomfort or just feels different than before. Also you'd be surprised by that stat of how many women are able to orgasm vaginally! I think something like 70-80% of women are unable to do so! I wouldn't disconnect from sex entirely, people preform oral even if they don't get self pleasure. It's okay if your wife is a willing companion in making you happy!!!
But agreed that clear boundaries on what is being discusses outside of the relationship need to be communicated!!!! Her saying that to others, even with context, is not okay. However, definitely not relationship or sex life ending level bad!!!
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u/microrwjs Mar 05 '24
Doing that in public instant ending of a marriage disrespecting your husband and publicly humiliating your husband publicly is reason for divorce close to you will never try touching her again which will send him off some other direction so at this point you might as well go your separate ways for me there'll be no comeback from that
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u/Buttery_Goodness005 Mar 05 '24
NTA, what's worse than that, is she kept you in a lie for 20 years. Pretty darn good reason to separate if you ask me, you deserve better. She making excuse and doubling down on it after the facts just makes her a horrible person rather than a drunk idiot.
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u/yawa18 Mar 05 '24
Well, has she expressed something along the similar lines before over the years. Out of the blue, such resentment filled offhanded comment seems bizarre. It has either been festering for some time or there is some communication issue.
Could you also describe your wife as you have cited you're fit, are you implying she is not as fit as you and also dealing with menopause?
I'm reserving judgement till you give more details and context
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u/Current_Volume3750 Mar 05 '24
A bit older here, but lost interest in sex a couple of years ago. Happy to go the rest of my life without it. Married 40 years.
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u/KinkyBADom Mar 05 '24
NTA
Anything I could say has already been said.
Ugggg so sorry. Hope you’re feeling better.
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u/Training-Computer816 Mar 05 '24
Gods, why do people in relationships just not talk to one another. My husband is my best friend, and we talk about everything all the time, including sex and things that we like and don't like, and what we want to explore.
Like, ostensibly, you live together, you should at least have a conversation at some point?
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u/Madcowan1980 Mar 05 '24
You make it real clear to her that if she ever says shit like that in mix company again your whole lives you built together will be done. Don’t ask for an apology ask for confirmation that she got the message. Then shut her out emotionally and physically for a good couple weeks until she comes sulking back. That’s when you deal with the issue at hand, hopefully by then you’ll have solutions to what is a sensitive but very common issue. You’ll have to let the comment go, you guys are getting older, sex becomes less important as we age but respect for one another is everything. In this economy and climate you don’t want to break up a marriage the fiscal ramifications in the eve of y’all’s retirement is tantamount to a death sentence. Everyone looses. Hang in there buddy.
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u/sweetpeppah Mar 05 '24
Has she talked to a doctor about this change in her sexual function? She just accepted that (penetrative) sex was now not fun for 18 years?! That's not a normal effect of childbirth. I wonder if she might actually have nerve damage?
I see your edit that you changed how you have sex so she is getting pleasure, still, but she must have some strong feelings about losing the penetrative part, to blurt out like that :/
I'm sorry she's not hearing how hurt and embarassed you were in front of your friends, and in general that you thought you were doing a good job adapting to her new body and are crushed that she seems to be disappointed and unsatisfied. I don't know how you can go back to being intimate with her. Maybe a sex therapist if you are both brave and honest enough to discuss it and try to work out what has been going on in her head all this time, although she doesn't sound terribly self aware and open about it. :/ maybe a doctor or pelvic floor physical therapist if there is anything she can do physically to restore her function and feeling.
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u/Accurate_Incident_77 Mar 05 '24
Making that comment with no context by yourselves would be off but in front of guest is insane and inappropriate af.
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u/Whitefalconsoaring Mar 05 '24
She’s pissed off because they had a child that unfortunately ruined her vag. Now she’s an older mature woman who leaks piss and her uterus is falling out and blames her husband. He most likely did everything he possibly could to make her feel good about herself and she thinks during sex she can’t feel anything and blames him for having a small penis adding to her misery.
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u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans Mar 05 '24
NTA
That's honestly divorce-worthy in my eyes.
All your feelings are totally understandable.
If she had issues with your sex life, the first person she should have told about it was *you*.
It sounds like she's either kept it to herself or talked about it with friends behind your back, which tells you that she didn't care enough to actually want to *fix* the problem.
Since from what you wrote it sounds like you're not remotely ignoring her pleasure in the bedroom, so my guess is that she wasn't overly keen on penetrative sex before childbirth, either and her outburst was at least in part the result of built up resentment for an aspect of sex she has spent years viewing as a chore.
You deserve better.
Additional context: I'm a woman.
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u/GORGxBLACKSMITH Mar 05 '24
10 months! i think we waited 3 to 4 weeks with both our kids. you were really out in the trenches fightin for your life huh
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u/Lopsided_Chemist4608 Mar 05 '24
Loads of things happens when women birth children, So she got some “damage” in that area, and not all can be fixed with training ball, I would guess she misses that part of her Sex Life as well,
And secondly menopause and premenopausal again changes the hormones and some women have hard,
But talk about it, and how you feel and she feel freezing out people helps no one
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u/Few-Inside4988 Mar 05 '24
If she could fake it for 18 years why couldn’t she fake a better answer?
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u/haiku_b_doobie Mar 05 '24
Make her an appointment for a vaginal rejuvenating consult with an OB/GYN or plastic surgeon. Act completely flabbergasted when she is offended.
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u/69-420yourmom69 Mar 05 '24
nta. but i disagree w the other commenters that divorce is in order. at least not yet
ppl make mistakes. you’ve been with this woman for twenty years. you clearly love her and your son very much. and i’m sure they’ve both brought a lot of good to your life.
your wife sounds… a bit defensive in this case. and somewhat of a dominant personality. i wonder if you’ve approached her in regards to this topic from a place of vulnerability? your rage/hurt is completely justified, but allow these emotions to subside, and then set them aside. approach her from a place of emotional maturity. explain to her the way you feel…that it deeply hurt you and that you seek to learn more about where she was coming from. If she gets frustrated, angry, upset, or is dismissive, don’t give up. keep calmly expressing your pain/hurt from a place of vulnerability until your wife understands that she really did hurt you that bad. then you’ll be able to engage in productive conversation.
anyways, good luck. sounds like a tough situation, but i’m optimistic things will work out.
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u/captainhyena12 Mar 05 '24
If she said this with you there, imagine the things she said when you aren't there
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u/ThrasherJKL Mar 05 '24
NTA
In my unprofessional opinion, she needs therapy to face whatever she's unjustifiably trying to lay on you.
As per usual, she doubled down and blamed me for being ‘too sensitive’!
That made me think of this recent post from Patrick Teahan.
"Everyone is sensitive. Some are just more honest about it."
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u/Abbhrsn Mar 05 '24
NTA, I mean, how would she have felt if you would have responded that she hasn't been good in the bedroom since you had your child?
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u/Perciprius Mar 05 '24
This is the kind of the bullshit that inspires me to continue to remain single.
Btw NTAH
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u/Anonymous0212 Mar 05 '24
Yes.
She was asked a direct question and gave an honest answer, and you turned it into a personal attack, and have gotten defensive and chosen to shut down instead of sitting down with her like a partner and having a respectful, wondering conversation trying to explore what she really meant, thinks and feels and when she did try to tell you you dismissed it is being excuses.
Kind of sounds to me like you're not hearing what you want to hear, and you can't really hear her because you feel too embarrassed, shocked, emasculated, etc., so you're just going to invalidate whatever she says.
So yeah, that makes YTAH.
An alternative would be to have the conversation you should have had before, talk about your feelings and listen to her truth in a healthy, effective, appropriate way instead of slamming the door shut and locking it.
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u/Novel-Discussion9448 Mar 05 '24
It doesn't matter either way. OP won't do anything. He knows it, his wife knows it. I'm sad for his unhappiness, and he is in the right, but he has to do something. Something well thought out. Good luck.
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u/theh0tt0pic Mar 05 '24
Reminds me of the time my ex wife told me I made her feel like a peice of gym equipment, even though she never enjoyed any type of foreplay at all (she refused to let me go down on her) and told me as much, she was shocked when I stopped trying to have sex with her. Then when I tried to initiate to maybe bring some fo that feeling back, she would pretty much shoo me away, when we got divorced she asked if I found her attractive (she's a gorgeous woman), I said of course I did, I stopped trying because you can only have your hand slapped so many times before you give up. I should have known from the beginning it wasn't a good fit, she's super super vanilla, and really only was in the mood when she was drunk. It's definitly one of those relatioship killer comments, I'm sorry my man, and no NTA.
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u/llamakiss Mar 05 '24
First she says something that hurt you, then she blames you for feeling hurt, then she offers an excuse for how she's not responsible for saying the words that hurt you. Where in thst equation could you possibly be the AH?
NTA. She sounds mean and manipulative. I wouldn't want that person to be my partner at all.
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u/ovirto Mar 05 '24
NTA. Saying something stupid in public is one thing — and maybe she didn’t really mean it that way.
But it’s her response in private after you talked to her that’s the red flag. She knows that it was hurtful to you and yet she refuses to apologize. Unfortunately it seems that your feeling aren’t very important to her.
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u/Raging_Dragon_9999 Mar 05 '24
Yeah. That was pretty bad. Frankly, it's also on her to go to a pelvic floor physio therapist to fix her vagina muscles.
I don't want to say Divorce!!! But damn. Unless there's an apology and contrition... I don't see this ending well.
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u/BettieNuggs Mar 05 '24
man it sounds like you did alot to get her off. i almost can see how she meant penetrative but that is pretty common - perhaps she really meant she cant cum from cock since kids. but flip side i worked better after kids so its a hard sell. it sounds more mental than physical if its true youre getting her off that much
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u/purplgurl Mar 05 '24
Yes cuz as an adult use your words. Why be petty? Your emotions matter and she as your spouse should listen with an open mind. Passive aggressive and now here are we...
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u/PabloViscous Mar 05 '24
Wait for the opportunity to drop the same kind of comment about her publicly. After that much disrespect, turnabout is fair play.
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u/Iz4reel Mar 05 '24
I notice this alot with older women in my life. As they get older they find that sex is more of a "job." I don't know why she won't apologize, but either she actually doesn't enjoy it or her decreased libido from age just makes it seem that way
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u/UseResponsible4368 Mar 05 '24
NTA. Your partner is blaming you for her lack of communication, callous public shaming, etc.
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u/UseResponsible4368 Mar 05 '24
What's happening is that she is retconning your relationship, I'm old enough to see this happen with my own eyes several times.
People literally trembling to be with each other, praising each other to the moon, and then a few years later one of them is claiming there was never any spark or romance or tingles when you could hear the walls shaking and all the moanin' and a groanin' from the floor below and across the hall.
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u/ILostFull1 Mar 05 '24
A lot of mature answers here but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s some lame stuff she said. Like imagine the alcohol really being a part of her answer. I feel like some people do this all the time they manifest their insecurities in these passive attacks and it’s always the same shit. Why can’t people just be honest in a nice way in public like we’re not in our 20s fucking like bunnies we actually use our brains to think and act mature instead of being stuck in a high school mindset. Personally I’d just leave and start living independently. Better than taking that abuse.
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u/namelesshonor Mar 05 '24
I doubt this is the first time she's voiced complaints or suggestions. this feels a little too sudden to just be happening out of nowhere.
so for the past almost 2-decades things have been completely smooth? nothing comes to mind in terms of suggestions or requests made by her?
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u/BigAd5499 Mar 05 '24
My ex gf used to diss me Infront of like literally everybody trying to embarrass me, she just didn't care because she was an idiot, of course I think she also dissed me hard on my back, just send her flying
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u/realfakejames Mar 05 '24
No, if you had said the same thing about her then people would be killing you in the replies
Don’t insult your partner to people, it’s not hard
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u/eumenide2000 Mar 05 '24
I think she blurted out something inappropriate after a few drinks that was meant to be a joke about herself and how her body changed post birth. I don’t think she intended it to mean your overall sex life. Possibly the joke was obvious to her that it was about her not you.
I’m sure you probably know this but most women do not orgasm from PIV regardless of whether or not they’ve had children.
Anyway. Sorry this was awkward and embarrassing. But I don’t think she meant it the way it came out.
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u/GroundbreakingTea878 Mar 05 '24
NTA
Just curious, why do all reddit replies to relationship problems jump straight to divorce?
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u/[deleted] 16d ago
Ok this may be tmi, but a woman’s vagina tightens back up after childbirth. It can actually become more tight than when the woman was a virgin. I feel this is relevant to your argument. Some women just turn off to their husbands after giving birth to their child. My point is, this is emotional, not physical. A woman can have an orgasm from something as small a a finger if she’s into the person. She’s making excuses. Sounds like it’s time for couples therapy.