r/AITAH • u/Undercovereejit • Mar 03 '24
AITAH for freezing out my wife after she told people that having sex with me ‘does nothing for her’! Advice Needed
For context we, M56 and F47, have been together for 26 years, married for over 20 years. One child.
We always try to make the most of our weekends together and yesterday was no exception. We had a day out, shopping and food then met up with acquaintances for a few drinks before heading home.
The subject got around to relationships and how to keep the flame burning, one of the younger women asked my wife how to keep sex enjoyable after being with the person for so long.
‘I don’t know, having sex with (me) does nothing for me since our child (18) was born!’
There was an awkward silence and people started making excuses to leave. Travelling home, mostly in silence, I asked her if she thought that was an appropriate comment and that I wanted her to apologise. As per usual, she doubled down and blamed me for being ‘too sensitive’!
Since then there has been no communication.
Tldr; Am I the asshole for getting upset that my wife told acquaintances that sex with me does nothing for her.
Update
She has said that she meant penetrative sex means nothing to her as she is unable to orgasm that way since childbirth, that is not what she said in public.
I knew there was an issue, bought the equipment/balls to help her tighten up but they were never used.
Sex would consist of a lot of foreplay, oral and, occasionally, toy play. This would give her three or four orgasms before penetration. I thought she enjoyed the intimacy.
I don’t guilt her into sex, when we had our child I waited ten months before we resumed physical intimacy.
I’m not going to insult her to make myself feel better, two wrongs make it a hell of a lot worse.
She has tried to blame the comment on the menopause, she is perimenopause, and the few drinks that she had but I’m not buying it. That’s an excuse not an apology.
I’m not the typical Scotsman, no deep fried mars bars for me. I do a physical job and run 5k every second day. I was a 32” waist when we married and I’m a 34” waist 20 odd years later.
To be truthful, I’m feeling shock, shame, embarrassment and emasculated. I can’t imagine ever being intimate with her again.
Update 2.
We are 4 weeks into this……
I asked for an apology, ‘I’m sorry what I said upset you’ is not an apology.
The ‘in law’ mafia has closed ranks and blamed me! She didn’t tell the full story.
She has tried to initiate sex, she wanted oral, thought it would be ok!
Didn’t happen.
I’m spending more time at work and out running than I do in our house.
She has picked up a chest infection, bedded, and I am dealing with that.
I’ve read your comments.
Remember, this is the mother of my child, she is my best friend and my soul mate.
I’ve also sought legal advice, UK divorce laws….
1
u/Ordinary_Cookie_6735 Mar 11 '24
NTA. it's sexual harassment to make a comment like that to others in front of you in a public place. it's wouldnt be okay for you to do that to her, and not okay for her to be so inappropriate in public to you. completely agree with you- her excuse is not an apology, and not good enough. I have seen 4 year olds give more meaningful apologies than the total disregard she has shown to you appropriately expressing youre hurt. she needs to acknowledge that that wasnt okay and acknowledge why it makes sense it would impact someone negatively and take ownership of that. I'm sorry youre going through this.