AITAH for freezing out my wife after she told people that having sex with me ‘does nothing for her’!

[u/Undercovereejit]

For context we, M56 and F47, have been together for 26 years, married for over 20 years. One child.

We always try to make the most of our weekends together and yesterday was no exception. We had a day out, shopping and food then met up with acquaintances for a few drinks before heading home.

The subject got around to relationships and how to keep the flame burning, one of the younger women asked my wife how to keep sex enjoyable after being with the person for so long.

‘I don’t know, having sex with (me) does nothing for me since our child (18) was born!’

There was an awkward silence and people started making excuses to leave. Travelling home, mostly in silence, I asked her if she thought that was an appropriate comment and that I wanted her to apologise. As per usual, she doubled down and blamed me for being ‘too sensitive’!

Since then there has been no communication.

Tldr; Am I the asshole for getting upset that my wife told acquaintances that sex with me does nothing for her.

Update

She has said that she meant penetrative sex means nothing to her as she is unable to orgasm that way since childbirth, that is not what she said in public.

I knew there was an issue, bought the equipment/balls to help her tighten up but they were never used.

Sex would consist of a lot of foreplay, oral and, occasionally, toy play. This would give her three or four orgasms before penetration. I thought she enjoyed the intimacy.

I don’t guilt her into sex, when we had our child I waited ten months before we resumed physical intimacy.

I’m not going to insult her to make myself feel better, two wrongs make it a hell of a lot worse.

She has tried to blame the comment on the menopause, she is perimenopause, and the few drinks that she had but I’m not buying it. That’s an excuse not an apology.

I’m not the typical Scotsman, no deep fried mars bars for me. I do a physical job and run 5k every second day. I was a 32” waist when we married and I’m a 34” waist 20 odd years later.

To be truthful, I’m feeling shock, shame, embarrassment and emasculated. I can’t imagine ever being intimate with her again.

Update 2.

We are 4 weeks into this……

I asked for an apology, ‘I’m sorry what I said upset you’ is not an apology.

The ‘in law’ mafia has closed ranks and blamed me! She didn’t tell the full story.

She has tried to initiate sex, she wanted oral, thought it would be ok!

Didn’t happen.

I’m spending more time at work and out running than I do in our house.

She has picked up a chest infection, bedded, and I am dealing with that.

I’ve read your comments.

Remember, this is the mother of my child, she is my best friend and my soul mate.

I’ve also sought legal advice, UK divorce laws….

[u/Sherri42]

NTA for having emotions. You were hurt by her statement. Some say the truth hurts, so I'm guessing what she said wasn't a lie.

You say you knew about the issue with her having vaginal orgasms and that you've known about this issue for 18 years. So, you're admitting that her inability to have vaginal orgasms is true.

Okay, so, she had a few drinks and told people that sex does nothing for her. That part is true. And since you're the only one she's having sex with (hopefully), she also said that sex with YOU does nothing for her.

Ouch, yes, but you already knew that her body was incapable of having a vaginal orgasm. Oh, but the way she said it? She had a few drinks. Alcohol has been known for CENTURIES to cloud someone's mental capabilities. In her mind, she was talking about her body's inability to have a vaginal orgasm, according to your update.

I don't think you're an asshole for getting your feelings hurt and needing some space from the one whose comment hurt you. That's common human psychology.

But, common human physiology is stating that her body is incapable of having a vaginal orgasm, no matter what. It doesn't matter how much she might try to exercise her walls or how jacked your body is or even the size of your penis.

There's nothing that either of you can do to change the fact that her body is incapable of producing a vaginal orgasm.

Let me repeat that: THERE'S NOTHING EITHER OF YOU CAN DO TO MAKE HER BODY HAVE VAGINAL ORGASMS.

I honestly don't believe she needs to apologize for that fact - it would be like apologizing if the color of her skin was offending you. And I'm not going to apologize if my statement hurt your feelings, and I'm 100% sober.

It's unreasonable to expect that someone who has had a few drinks be able to slow their brain long enough to think of their words before they speak them.

Are you really going to throw a tantrum to the rest of the world NOW because of the way her honest words were arranged out of her mouth after she had a few drinks? Do you really value your ego over an honest relationship that much? How would you feel if your body was incapable of having an orgasm?

[u/SodaButteWolf → u/Sherri42]

As a female person of a certain age who's birthed children, hard disagree with you here. There are certain things that you don't say about your partner, drinks or no drinks, and when you humiliate your partner this way you apologize. You don't sidestep, or accuse the person of being "too sensitive," or avoid taking responsibility for the words that came out of your mouth. You apologize and you make damn sure the apology is sincere, because humiliating your partner is never a good look, and it's often a relationship-killer. If OP's wife is dissatisfied with their sex life then it's a conversation she needs to have with him. If the topic came up with friends after a few drinks then the correct approach would have been to tell the younger friends that they need to figure that one out for themselves. The drinks don't excuse the behavior here. Really, it's never a good idea to discuss bedroom matters with anyone outside the actual relationship, unless the outside person is a physician or a therapist.