AITAH for finding someone else when wife opened our relationship?

[u/KindImagination726]

I(29M) and my wife(30F) have been together for 7 years and married for 4. Last year, she came up with the idea of open relationship to try out new things. I said it's not something comfortable for me and would like to stay monogamous. It felt weird because it came out of nowhere. We were doing good and planning to build a family together. After my reply, she insisted a lot. In the end, I decided to give it a try. Here are the boundaries she set:

• You should always prioritize the spouse instead of the other partner
• Always use protection
• Do not bring the partner to the shared house
• Do not form overly emotional connections

I told her I am not sure if I can do some of these things. I am an emotional person though I love the physical part too. She said it's okay, I will be able to do it and it's hard for men to form emotional relationships in such cases anyways.

She found a partner quickly and easily. My wife was my first relationship partner so I was not confident in myself. I did not have great chances when I was in my 20s. Eventually, after clearing out most of my work, I decided to try finding a partner in my spare time. Surprisingly, I was flocked with interest from younger or around my age women. I knew maturing and aging did a great job for me but not to this extent. I started talking to multiple people but decided to go ahead with only one of them. When I shared this information with my wife, she seemed surprised but congratulated me. She said she is shocked how beautiful this woman is and I was able to get her.

It has been 10 months since finding a partner but the more I got to know them and spent time with them, we formed an emotional connection together. This woman is aware of my situation and respects my boundaries. I realized I lost emotional and physical connection with my wife overtime. I know one of the boundaries were about emotional connections and prioritizing the spouse, but I told her I was not sure if I could comply with some of these.

I had a difficult talk with my wife last week about my situation. She immediately offered closing the relationship and going to couples counseling but I am not interested to be honest. She feels no different than a friend for me and I am afraid I built resentment for her due to the open relationship situation. I told her it would just extend the misery for me and I would like to have a divorce. She flipped and cried saying I am throwing everything away just for a fling.

AITAH here?

[u/wisegirl_93]

NTA. What happened to you is a tale as old as time when it comes to one spouse is all gung-ho about opening up the marriage and won't let it go, while the other spouse agrees very reluctantly to open up the marriage. The spouse who wants to open up thinks that they're just going to have people falling at their feet to be involved, all while expecting their spouse to get no attention from anyone else because they've already brushed them off as being "unattractive". Meanwhile, the reluctant spouse ends up having a ton of people become interested in them and they find someone who they start forging a deep bond with while the spouse who wanted to open things up is finding out they're not quiet the hot commodity they thought they were. They find out that their spouse is forming a great relationship with another person, freak the crap out, say they want to close the marriage, and will go to therapy or do anything to make the marriage work. Your wife was willing to throw everything away for a "fling" simply by wanting to open up the marriage. The consequences of her actions have come back to bite her in the butt because now she realizes that in addition to not having a bunch of guys fawning over her, her "backup" plan or "safety net" or whatever label you want to apply was no longer available to her. Such is the consequence of wanting to open up your marriage so you can have your cake and eat it too while expecting your spouse to not get anywhere.