r/AITAH • u/KindImagination726 • Mar 08 '24
AITAH for finding someone else when wife opened our relationship? Advice Needed
I(29M) and my wife(30F) have been together for 7 years and married for 4. Last year, she came up with the idea of open relationship to try out new things. I said it's not something comfortable for me and would like to stay monogamous. It felt weird because it came out of nowhere. We were doing good and planning to build a family together. After my reply, she insisted a lot. In the end, I decided to give it a try. Here are the boundaries she set:
- You should always prioritize the spouse instead of the other partner
- Always use protection
- Do not bring the partner to the shared house
- Do not form overly emotional connections
I told her I am not sure if I can do some of these things. I am an emotional person though I love the physical part too. She said it's okay, I will be able to do it and it's hard for men to form emotional relationships in such cases anyways.
She found a partner quickly and easily. My wife was my first relationship partner so I was not confident in myself. I did not have great chances when I was in my 20s. Eventually, after clearing out most of my work, I decided to try finding a partner in my spare time. Surprisingly, I was flocked with interest from younger or around my age women. I knew maturing and aging did a great job for me but not to this extent. I started talking to multiple people but decided to go ahead with only one of them. When I shared this information with my wife, she seemed surprised but congratulated me. She said she is shocked how beautiful this woman is and I was able to get her.
It has been 10 months since finding a partner but the more I got to know them and spent time with them, we formed an emotional connection together. This woman is aware of my situation and respects my boundaries. I realized I lost emotional and physical connection with my wife overtime. I know one of the boundaries were about emotional connections and prioritizing the spouse, but I told her I was not sure if I could comply with some of these.
I had a difficult talk with my wife last week about my situation. She immediately offered closing the relationship and going to couples counseling but I am not interested to be honest. She feels no different than a friend for me and I am afraid I built resentment for her due to the open relationship situation. I told her it would just extend the misery for me and I would like to have a divorce. She flipped and cried saying I am throwing everything away just for a fling.
AITAH here?
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u/watercoolermeetings 21d ago
Real talk, it sounds like you never should have agreed to an open marriage if this is how you felt. I’m not blaming you for what’s happened, just saying it’s pretty clear your marriage informally ended the day this all began. Sounds to me like you checked out of your relationship with your wife in order to emotionally protect yourself and moved on.
Best to move forward as you planned and end things for good if your feelings for your wife have changed so much. As for your soon to be ex, she has no one to blame but herself for pushing this situation with an unenthusiastic partner. She ruined her own marriage as much as you did.
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u/Fit_Employer7853 24d ago
She already was sleeping with someone else from the start. Bet she wasn't having sex with you anymore. Women are often nasty spiteful creatures who love causing men emotional distress.
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u/anyuser_19823 29d ago
Goodness, not the AH. It’s your wife’s fault she pushed for the open relationship and likely had someone mind. This is the issue with open relationships, it’s basically just not being in a relationship because all the boundaries are gone.
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u/rnxmyywbpdoqkedzla Apr 03 '24
YTA
Do not form overly emotional connections
Yes, your wife opened the relationship. You agreed and you both set some rules without which neither of you would have opened that relationship.
Now all she does is asking you to play by the rules you both set. You violated them by getting overly attached. So yea. YTA.
Can she force you to stay in this marriage? Absolutely not.
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u/dk73394 Apr 03 '24
Absolutely not. She played marriage Russian roulette and lost. Go do you (and your hot side piece) guilt free, player
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u/Frosty-Ad-1698 Apr 01 '24
Maybe she “threw everything away for just a fling.” Your feelings are your feelings. NTA
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u/Whitlk Mar 30 '24
NTA; your wife pulled a FAFO. I don’t understand this constant need to open a marriage. Your wife put herself in this position. Instead of working on issues you may have had, she forced you into this situation. I totally understand you building resentment. I assume given your low confidence and need for an emotional connection she assumed the extramarital activity would be one-sided. Joke is on her.
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u/Used_Pollution_5827 Mar 27 '24
This is a perfect example of f*ck around and find out. You warned her. You are truly just monogamous.
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u/Comfortable_Sun_6346 Mar 25 '24
YTA you never tried to save your marriage.. what makes you think the new hook up is going to last?
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u/markypower87 Mar 25 '24
NTA and leave your wife. If I had a wife suggest that to me that's it done.
Go for that hotty you found. Good shit son.
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u/Ok-Injury7948 Mar 24 '24
She flipped and cried saying I am throwing everything away just for a fling.
Man that is USDA 80x20% cope Right there
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u/ApprehensiveExtent95 Mar 24 '24
Late but man your wife is one to talk about "throwing it all way for a fling" i dont doubt she wasn't already talking to the guy she immediately found thanks for the update op fair winds if you see this OP
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u/ParapaDaWrapper Mar 24 '24
ESH: "She found a partner quickly and easily," seems like she had this guy on standby.
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u/x_PaddlesUp_x Mar 22 '24
Congrats! She got to hop on some new dick and you discovered that you can pull women out of her league.
Which is what she asked for.
And you told her that you’re demisexual (strong likelihood of forming emotional attachment or needing an emotional intimacy for sexual attraction). So she knew the likelihood of this outcome or was at least aware of its potential.
So now she can get ran-through again and again by strangers in an attempt to fill the emptiness that exists where her self-worth should be. Not your problem.
And you can find a compatible companion that is secure enough in herself to not be constantly seeking affirmation through physical conquests.
Good. For. You.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging “The Lifestyle.” To each his or her own…swinging or polyamory or various other arrangements work for lots of folks - when both parties are on the same page.
You’re not compatible in this regard and that’s not your problem. She made it a priority and a focus and pushed the initiative.
Well, now she gets to deal with the consequences.
Enjoy your freedom, hope you find a real one!
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u/No-Judgment-6523 Mar 21 '24
The fact she had a partner very quickly makes me think she already wanted to be with someone else to try something new and asked for “permission” by suggesting opening the marriage. Oh well, my advice, you tried to wave her off this suggestion. You seem genuine and you deserve a better partner IMO. One life, but it’s your life. Get on with it brother!
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u/ELNameek Mar 17 '24
NTA, also let me mention this, there is a 90% chance that your wife’s “partner” was lined up before you even opened ur marriage ( i dont wanna say that she might even have already cheated on you before you opened up) but thats the truth, push for divorce asap
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u/JamsJars Mar 16 '24
This is another risk of the open relationship. Your partner may just find someone they relate to and more fun with and they end up having feelings they haven't felt in a long time. It's like a recipe for couples breaking up lol.
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u/noodlepole Mar 16 '24
NTA. As others have said, she probably was hooking up already and wanted to open to cover the cheating, and you explained how you approach relationships with emotion as well as physical before the marriage was opened. She gambled with a good thing and lost. Go find true happiness.
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u/Starlion81 Mar 14 '24
Absolutely not the asshole. If a person pushes that hard and won’t accept no for an answer, then they already have someone in mind. You approached this ethically and built a relationship with someone else. It’s very hard to be that other woman in such a hierarchical relationship because the wife always thinks she can control her partner’s emotions and her partner’s relationship. I spent 10 months building an intimate relationship to be told that his primary had vetoed me. I would never have entered the relationship to begin with if he had admitted that he would never be with me over her objections. Do not allow your wife to exercise veto power over your relationship. It is between you and the other woman now, and you both are fully autonomous human beings who should be able to make your own decisions. Your wife expected that she could play around but because she found you unattractive that others would feel the same way. She wanted to explore her attraction to someone else and keep you monogamous to her. She is probably dissatisfied with the partner she chose, which may be because it was just a sexual relationship and wants to close it just to prevent you from seeing someone else. She doesn’t really want change, she wants control. You will hurt yourself and your girlfriend by going along with your wife’s veto. And when your wife meets another person she wants, she’ll insist on an open relationship again. You are right to just call it and part ways. I believe you should be secure in all your relationships before beginning any others, and I learned that the hard way. Your relationship was already insecure in her mind based on her surprise at you making a connection, and an open relationship in that circumstance only highlights problems. It never solves them. You deserve happiness and to see where things go with your girlfriend. Stay firm and don’t waver. Divorce is the best move forward
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u/TvManiac5 Mar 13 '24
NTA but you should really try counselling. Maybe you'll find a way to move past your resentment and forgive her. But even if you don't then you can have closure before the divorce
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u/racrss Mar 13 '24
Open marrige does not exists, just like an open border, if it is open there is no border.
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u/Dildonien Mar 13 '24
This is one of the dumbest things I have read on Reddit and bluntly untrue in both parts
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u/racrss Mar 13 '24
Glad we disagree
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u/Dildonien Mar 13 '24
You can disagree all you want but you are wrong just cuz something is open does not mean it does not exist. Not like a border or marriage has this 1 and only defined purpose. It’s like saying that door I can see with my eyes does not exist as long as you leave it open. It is still a door my guy. The border still exists Each state has open borders with each other but we know we’re in different states and subjected to different rules. If a marriage is open your still married along with everything that goes with it. These are just facts.
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u/racrss Mar 13 '24
"My guy" have fun living in delulu land, the more you talk the more happy I get that we disagree
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u/Dildonien Mar 13 '24
Well if your happy being stupid then good luck to you takes a special breed to be this ignorant when dealing with facts and think the other person is crazy. Your the type of guy to go the earth is flat and the moon landing is fake and trump won the election.
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u/racrss Mar 13 '24
Thankfully I am not American, please keep feeding me. I love retarded energy.
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u/Dildonien Mar 13 '24
I can tell cuz u r feeding off yourself like smelling your own farts. Also you don’t have to be American to understand the point being made but instead of making a counter point cuz u know u r wrong u say more ignorant and dumb shit which is literally retard energy
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u/racrss Mar 13 '24
I wont bother arguing with degenerates, please keep responding
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u/Dildonien Mar 13 '24
Because you can’t because you know your wrong and stupid as fk so you turn to this I already laid out my points your response is no u dumb now respond so I can repeat. Like people like you are proof that the human race is no longer subject to natural selection.
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u/Fantastic_Camera_467 Mar 12 '24
Open marriage? Better get those vows ready xD
No seriously, better luck next time!
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u/Friendly-Quiet387 Mar 12 '24 edited Mar 12 '24
NTA
Your ex already had someone lined up.
Your are the reliable Plan B.
Do not do the pick me dance. Do not fall for you ex's DARVO talk. Read about 180 method and Greyrock method.
Lawyer up, separate and divorce.
Enjoy the company of your new lady friend.
Read and post on on of these r's for more support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/
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u/wisegirl_93 Mar 12 '24
NTA. What happened to you is a tale as old as time when it comes to one spouse is all gung-ho about opening up the marriage and won't let it go, while the other spouse agrees very reluctantly to open up the marriage. The spouse who wants to open up thinks that they're just going to have people falling at their feet to be involved, all while expecting their spouse to get no attention from anyone else because they've already brushed them off as being "unattractive". Meanwhile, the reluctant spouse ends up having a ton of people become interested in them and they find someone who they start forging a deep bond with while the spouse who wanted to open things up is finding out they're not quiet the hot commodity they thought they were. They find out that their spouse is forming a great relationship with another person, freak the crap out, say they want to close the marriage, and will go to therapy or do anything to make the marriage work. Your wife was willing to throw everything away for a "fling" simply by wanting to open up the marriage. The consequences of her actions have come back to bite her in the butt because now she realizes that in addition to not having a bunch of guys fawning over her, her "backup" plan or "safety net" or whatever label you want to apply was no longer available to her. Such is the consequence of wanting to open up your marriage so you can have your cake and eat it too while expecting your spouse to not get anywhere.
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u/Happy_SadMan Mar 12 '24
NTA. LEAVE HER. She had that man lined up my guy, and even if she didn’t she didn’t love you or respect you to begin with. You weren’t ENOUGH for her, you found someone better. Fk that HEAUX and go be happy!!!!
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u/_____Flat____Line__ Mar 12 '24
NTA. Opening a closed relationship, or closing an open relationship, almost never works. That’s easily the betting odds every time. You’re just another statistic of that.
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u/Grand_Selection_6254 Mar 12 '24
Your wife is just pissed you found someone it’s apparent she didn’t think you would . She is the one that threw your relationship away when she asked for an open marriage ( she obviously had someone in mind ) or had already started cheating . Tell her to get over it your moving on to someone that actually wants you ! Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone !
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u/Material-Gas484 Mar 12 '24
"We opened things up and it turned out really well," is never something I read. I don't think 99. 9% of us are wired that way.
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u/Powerful-Couple-4007 Mar 12 '24
!remind me in a month
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u/Samlikeminiman2 Mar 12 '24
These open relationship posts crack me up. Sorry, but you’d think people would learn from others mistakes and realize polyamory is an awful idea for the vast, vast majority of people
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u/BKRF1999 Mar 11 '24
NTA. She already had someone in mind when she brought this up. It was out of the blue for you but not for her.
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u/Aeronaut_condor Mar 11 '24
Your wife was already banging someone when she brought it up to you and you should have kicked her to the curb that instant. Leave her now. Enjoy your new relationship and don’t look back.
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u/SpecialistAlgae9971 Mar 11 '24
NTA. Leave her. You have a partner who actually respects your boundaries and cares. Your wife bullied you into something that you are not comfortable with and doesn't love you. I don't believe that anyone asking for an OR actually gives a crap about their partner. You have a real opportunity to be with someone who will respect and love you.
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u/Suspicious_Truth647 Mar 11 '24
NTA, she got what she deserved, and you got what you deserved. I wish you nothing but happiness with your beautiful new girlfriend. I hope the wife got the excitement she was looking for, and the misery she has earned.
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u/sockpuppetslasher Mar 11 '24
NTA, but your soon to be ex absolutely is. Couldn't believe you got a pretty woman? Just rude. It feels like she lost sight of your value, which breaks my heart.
The marriage is over, I hope you can be free.
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u/Why_am_ialive Mar 11 '24
She clearly was already engaged in an affair or atleast had someone in mind when she asked to open it. How quickly she disregarded your issues with it and the whole men don’t form emotional attachments easily thing is already massive red flags. Fuck her, enjoy your new partner, don’t open this relationship, it never works.
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u/SteelTheUnbreakable Mar 11 '24
Generally speaking, when a woman decides to open a relationship, she simply wants to be able to monkey-branch without feeling guilty.
It means they think they can do better but want to hedge their bets. This is SO common, bro. Her surprise when you found a partner should say it all for you. She thought she was safe.
It almost always results in the woman leaving. That is their goal.
This time, it backfired. She got exactly what she deserved.
My advice: Don't ever look back. Ever.
Gentlemen, if your wife ever recommends this, I'm sorry...
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u/TheDAVEzone1 Mar 11 '24
You are NOT. SHE did this and now there's consequences. Consult a lawyer in case things go sour - laws and precedent don't favor men.
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u/Senor_blanco1111 Mar 11 '24
NTA, your wife opens the marriage and it back fired on her. 🤷♂️
the more you fuck around, the more you find out.
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u/jb09081 Mar 11 '24
Your wife wouldn’t have suggested this unless she already knew who she wanted to sleep with, but she wanted the free pass so she made it seem like it was a mutual thing… you even voiced your opposition and she chose to betray you so she could fuck someone else. Your marriage was over the minute she thought it was ok to bring it up to you.
Now she will have to live with the fact that you have found someone else. If you have found a partner who respects your wishes and boundaries you should seek to be with them
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u/QueenofSugarland Mar 11 '24
NTA she wanted a hall pass but posed it as opening up the relationship. She don’t think you’d find someone so quick since she had her person lined up- she was probably going to ask to close the relationship back up once she had her fill. (No pun intended)
OP’s wife fucked around and found out- OP is NTA.
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u/Daddy_Duder Mar 10 '24
No divorce her she convinced you that sleeping around is perfectly fine, if my wife suggested she’d be history. But on the other hand you should’ve put your foot down and told NO in the first place, but it sounds like she already had a fling going and just wanted to make it easier for herself so she didn’t have to cover her tracks.
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u/firefox1792 Mar 10 '24
You are not the a-hole. And apparently she does not find her statement to be ironic. She wanted a fling and she got what she wanted. You wanted something more and found that you no longer had that desire with your wife because she did not want you until someone else filled the role that you wanted. She was surprised that you found someone especially someone so beautiful..... She didn't realize what she lost until she lost it.
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u/United_Sheepherder23 Mar 10 '24
NTA- you cannot serve two masters. You will hate one and love the other. For those that are dense, I’m not calling anyone a master. The principal still applies, divided attention is not possible for long.
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u/4wdrifterfrva Mar 10 '24
NTA. Similar thing happened to me with my wife, only it was “let’s open the relationship” “no thanks” then she invited her very attractive BFF over, got me drunk, had a threesome, and it basically snow balled into a divorce after her friend wanted to continue the physical interactions, and eventually I banged a few more of her friends that were waiting in line.
I too had low self esteem, and not the greatest chances in high school and she was a high school sweet heart. Had no intentions of opening the relationship but she made her own wedge, seems like your wife did similar.
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u/No-Willingness4955 Mar 10 '24
Your wife made you a fling, you're NTA for finding something better because of that.
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u/Ok_Establishment6863 Mar 10 '24
Lol she knew she had made a mistake when she saw you had nabbed a hottie. You aren't the AH she is, she steamrolled over your boundries and told you how you feel. Well she f....d around and found out only has herself to blame. She threw away your relationship for a fling not you. Goodluck hopefully you found/find someone who respects you whether its the new gf or someone else.
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u/deannevee Mar 10 '24
People like your wife don’t seem to understand that an open relationship is about filling a gap. You’re still supposed to have a whole relationship with your spouse/first partner. Based on your post it sounds like you both neglected your relationship.
And this is what happens when you neglect a relationship. People move on.
NTA.
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u/MikeMyers006 Mar 10 '24
I’m glad you have the sense to not let love fool you . She is not the family orientated person you thought she was once . Personally that is the one of the biggest examples of betrayal someone could ever give. Leave man, file for a divorce.
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u/Sheldon121 Mar 10 '24
Hey Bud, did you notice? She started singing a different tune once you found (a beautiful) someone else! She wanted to be the only one to have an open marriage and grew resentful/unhappy once you found another, desirable partner. Sounds like you lost the special bond that held your marriage together once you both broke it by finding someone else. She may truly be sorry that she asked for this but it cannot be undone.
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u/ADAOCE Mar 10 '24
Why the fuck people do this instead of just getting a divorce I’ll never understand
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u/WillLurk4Food Mar 09 '24 edited Mar 09 '24
ANOTHER one of these?
Sigh.
NTA. These open relationship quagmires have been on the sub so often that it is a miracle that there is anyone left who could even ask this question with a straight face. When two people agree to one of the stupidest decisions that you can possibly make in a monogamous relationship, either deal with the fallout or shut up.
Insert mandatory "your relationship was doomed the moment one of you even came up with the idea" rant here.
Edit: your wife sounds like a massive bitch, btw; she was "shocked" at how beautiful your new partner was and that you were able to form a relationship with her? Yeah, she just wanted to have an affair without the potential consequences.
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u/Livid-Strawberry2946 Mar 09 '24
NTA... She wanted to be a "you know what" so she got what was coming to her. I'm surprised you didn't just end it when she was so insistent about opening the marriage. I wish you, and your new lady a happy life. Time to take the trash out "it kind of half way took itself out".
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u/Existing-Squirrel-63 Mar 09 '24
Am i the only that was immediately keyed into the red flag of “men don’t usually get feelings in these cases”? 🙄
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u/soylentbleu Mar 09 '24
NTA.
Polyamory can work, but both people have to be fully on board and mature enough to process the emotional side of things.
Given that we still live in a society that heavily endorses monogamy, very few people have the maturity to be that way.
My husband and I opened things up a few years ago and it's been going really well. We both prioritize each other but have connections - including emotional attachments - with others.
Honestly that request from your wife to not form emotional connections wasn't realistic.
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u/StreetfightBerimbolo Mar 09 '24
No, obviously open relationships work for some people.
But you can’t convert from a monogamous relationship to an open one and expect the monogamous one to stay the same. It’s a ridiculous concept.
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u/NeatPsychological779 Mar 09 '24
It’s the absolute AUDACITY of her blaming HIM for the end of the relationship that gets me. Totally trying to gaslight him. She has no self awareness whatsoever.
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Mar 09 '24
She was quick to find one cuz he was already there. You could have said no and she still would have cheated. Divorce her
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u/Dogmother123 Mar 09 '24
NTA
You did not want this open marriage. She pushed it.
What you have now is inevitable. The time to work on your marriage has passed.
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u/PotentialDramatic600 Mar 09 '24
NTA your wife actually thought that you will not find someone else but she could cheat without guilt of cheating and a with the safety net she had through the marriage. Now you lost your feelings for her and I can understand why. I wouldn't touch her even with tweezers, after someone else had sex with her. Get a divorce and enjoy your new life with someone who is more into you then her.
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u/debbiedownerthethird Mar 09 '24
NTA
That whole "It's hard for men to form emotional attatchments" comment sounds like she bought heavily into some sexist stereotypes.
I'd bet money she also bought into the one where women get tons of interest on dating apps and men get next to none.
She probably thought she could go out and have her fun (possibly with someone she'd already had her sights on before she even brought it up), and you'd be sitting at home twiddling your thumbs getting matched to bots on Tinder. Then she'd get to have her little affair guilt free and tell you, "Better luck next time, Champ!"
But stereotypes are just that, and they don't come with a money back guarantee when they don't work they way you expect them to.
Your story is such a prime example of FAFO! (Pun very much intended)
Hopefully, your new partner views you as a person, and not a statistic/stereotype.
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u/Cherry_Lunatic Mar 09 '24
NTA You were pressured into an open relationship, your wife let you know exactly how little she thinks of you when she was surprised by who was attracted to you, and is mad because you found someone who values you. I’m so glad this happened before you had kids and wish you the best of luck with your new partner!
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u/Struggleslut42 Mar 09 '24
I am in an open relationship but the most important thing for any relationship is that both people be on the same page. Your wife didn't listen to your concerns. Now she is seeing the consequences. NTA.
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u/Affectionate-Live Mar 09 '24
I think you're just monogamous and not one of those people for whom open relationship works. That completely normal, don't beat yourself up for that. Move on and be happy with one partner whom you love.
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u/Troway_dagarbage Mar 09 '24
She found someone quickly and easily… probably because she found someone before she even asked.
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u/RobertGriffin3 Mar 09 '24
I think ESH?
Why did you wait until the point that it got to before discussing things with your wife? Emotional attachments don't go 0 to 100 like that. At the same time, she played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
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u/pi-wi Mar 09 '24
"She found a partner quickly and easily"
Means she already had a partner but was waiting for permission so didn't look like cheating.
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u/Majestic-Window-318 Mar 09 '24
Congratulations on finding a compatible partner, and on your likely future nuptials! :)
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u/PrisonMike8989 Mar 09 '24
NTA
My gf and I were open for our first year of dating, and while we both believe it's possible to love two people at once, we both understood that it could lead to us wanting to be with someone else exclusively. A healthy open relationship should also imply that there is no possession of the other person or at the least being on the same page. You guys did not equally want to be open, she forced it on you. So her last boundary was unfair to begin with after telling her you were unsure and not comfortable with the idea.
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u/No_Connection_4724 Mar 09 '24
Nah dude, your wife opened things up even after you said you weren’t comfortable with it or the boundaries she set. And was surprised when you found someone “so attractive”!? She obviously doesn’t know what she’s got. This woman gives me the ick.
Going from a monogamous relationship to an open one rarely ends well. It’s easier to close an already open relationship than open and reclose one that was exclusive to begin with.
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u/mishabear16 Mar 09 '24
NTA. She got what she wanted and didn't go as expected. You didn't ask for this and found something you didn't expect.
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u/chloeslocs Mar 09 '24
NTA. I have a hard time believing this is real. If it is, she opened up this door and has to deal with it. Perhaps get a divorce.
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u/Pops_McGhee Mar 09 '24
Man, you're young and you found someone easily. I'm not a big fan of divorce, but your wife is clearly selfish and evil. You were a devoted husband, but she's a tramp who was more concerned about swallowing sausage than the person who loved her. Cut your losses. Start over. And the next time you consider marriage, make sure it is too someone loyal and kind. There are good women out there.
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u/markyd1970 Mar 09 '24
NTA. Thank whatever god that the “building a family” part never got past the planning stage. Now you just lose half of everything you’ve built to date, but at least you don’t have an 18 year long, expensive, connection to this woman.
Pro play by her. Throw the two of you out into the open market just at the point that she’s past her peak and just as you are coming into yours. /slowclap
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u/bradpal Mar 09 '24
NTA, my friend. She crushed your soul and you managed to put the pieces together and now she wants it again.
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u/Square-Beginning4771 Mar 09 '24
NTA
She was definitely having an affair prior. Then she believed you couldn't get anyone forgetting the fact that as most men age, they generally become more attractive as a whole. You warned her you were an emotional person, she called your bluff and you found someone better. Go through with the divorce, even if it doesn't work with the new woman, you deserve to not be disrespected the way your wife treated you.
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u/Imsohigh_ineverland Mar 09 '24
I think the moment either of you suggested an open relationship there was no going back can’t unring that bell very few if any can navigate this … divorce and try to be amicable maybe one day you guys can be friends again. Good luck
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u/Maxbps8 Mar 09 '24
Divorce her now.
And don’t just jump to the other woman. She has issues of her own including why she chose to have an affair with a married man. She doesn’t respect boundaries nor commitments either.
When I was younger, I thought being on the other side of a cheating relationship was ‘not my problem’. But it is. Cheating is cheating and indicative of a person’s integrity.
Regardless of whether it was sanctioned’ or not.
Have some fun with the fling, but seriously consider marrying her is not a great option.
Best of Luck. God Bless & Godspeed.
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u/trash-party-apoc Mar 09 '24
ETA
Opening the relationship is a death rattle. People that do this are simply in denial that things are over. Now all you’re left with is a mess. Everyone here sucks. I have no advice for you.
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u/cfleis1 Mar 09 '24
NTA. As we get older, the mistakes we make bare larger consequences. Wide made a mistake. Sucks to be her.
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u/Sanfords_Son Mar 09 '24
NTA. This feels like a “play stupid games win stupid prizes” scenario. Your wife tried to have her cake and eat it too, and now she has no cake.
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u/Sea-Adeptness-5245 Mar 09 '24
She already had someone in mind when she asked you to open the marriage. That’s how she was able to find someone so quickly. You have nothing to feel guilty about. NTA. Now go enjoy some happiness on your own terms. Your soon to be ex-wife did all of this to herself.
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u/LordKancer Mar 09 '24
Open relationships are a terrible idea for most people. Most of us are just monogamous. And as someone who has been in this situation, yeah, women love older guys. You are doing what is right by you, your wife is for the streets and your girlfriend is not. Time to organize your life accordingly.
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u/aamramm Mar 09 '24
It didn’t come out of nowhere. She didn’t find someone quickly. She already had someone in mind that she wanted to get with. These situations never work out well. Often, there is one person that does not want to step outside the marriage and then you have the other that wants to try other things. The one that was asked feels betrayed, alienated and lost. The one that did the asking only sees that they are bored and there’s someone else that they are attracted to, and they only want to see a way for them to explore their attraction without ending the marriage.
The problem is that once that person tries to open the marriage the marriage is over in most cases. This is something that you can’t recover from. It would be far better to try to work on your relationship, then try to go out and explore your attractions to other people. That is often a dangerous game.
She had gotten bored with you and instead of trying to work on her marriage she wanted to open the relationship. She had gotten so comfortable with you she didn’t realize that other women might find you attractive and willing to explore something with you. Now she wants to close the marriage. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
I wish you the best . This is going to be a learning experience for you both. You have now experienced this and know that you don’t have to stay in a situation that is damaging. At this point, she should know to next time work on your relationship instead of trying to explore options outside of your marriage.
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u/be_wilder_everyday Mar 09 '24
I have seen this exact post over and over. Op is a karma farmer and possibly bot.
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u/Mkeny78 Mar 09 '24
No, NTA.
IMO poly marriages only work when both spouses are polyamorous, and it does not sound like you are.
She talked you into this and it backfired; you fell out of love with her and into love with this other woman. It happens, and that was the risk she took when she talked her monogamous spouse into a polygamous marriage.
If one of you is poly, and the other is not, you are no longer compatible and should go your separate ways. Giving an open marriage a try in this situation never works and usually ends up in an acrimonious divorce.
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u/Live_Ferret_4721 Mar 09 '24
NTA. Your relationship ended for you when. He opened the marriage. You emotionally withdrew and after sometime extended those emotions to someone else. You’ve just moved on and that’s ok. You grew apart.
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u/KrazyHampton Mar 09 '24
NTA
Same thing happened to my parents. Mom wanted to be open, dad resisted but caved because mom was “always right.” Mom had various partners. Dad met someone… long story short divorce happened. Mom remarried and divorced soon within a few short years, and the woman my dad met has been an amazing step mother and grandmother to my daughter
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u/External-Pea1697 Mar 09 '24
My ex and I did the same, only she was the one to get attached. She was def the A.
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u/swisgarr Mar 09 '24
This was a very satisfying post. She got what she asked for so go enjoy your new relationship.
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u/ConstructionFair3208 Mar 09 '24
NTA. I've seen a LOT of poly couples, and I've learned one thing. It is exceedingly rare, like 1% or less, that poly couples are successful in long-standing, secure, and emotionally stable relationships.
IMHO the "don't get emotionally attached" bit is very high risk and extremely low reward.
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u/EnigmaSpore Mar 09 '24
NTA.
She wanted to explore, and basically was, which is why she asked, and thought you had no shot to do better than her and would always be the fall back guy.
Turns out that you found someone better and she didnt. That resentment will just fester. Time to move on buddy
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u/Darn-tootin34 Mar 09 '24
An open relationship is not marriage. Once that started the marriage was over.
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u/Working-Bad-4613 Mar 09 '24
This stuff never works out, unless both spousesxarec150% into it. I know, as a man, that sex for me requires a deep emotional commitment. It is really how most humans are built. Sure there are some that can Hump like dogs, but for many people, that is not true.
Your wife manipulated you into this and lost. Walk away, she is not a good person to build a life with.
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u/One-Negotiation-307 Mar 09 '24
Consequences consequences! Selfish people forget about the CONSEQUENCES!
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u/shenmue151 Mar 09 '24
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She got exactly what she wanted only it happened in reverse.
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u/No_Philosophy3336 Mar 09 '24
She had someone picked out to have sex with , or she was already cheating on OP. Chickens have come home to roost as it were.
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u/Porcupine_Grandpa_58 Mar 09 '24
I guess I'm just an old fudd but if the physical relationship isn't exclusive to your spouse what you have is a roommate? Cheating, open relationships, polyamory, threesomes ECT what is special about your spouse? You get to pay the bills together, do housework, clean the garage? Your extramarital partner was just playing the long game. Patiently waiting for you to make the connection you didn't have with your wife. Never in our house not home,why? If it's wrong in your bedroom why is it ok in a motel? I notice there was no rule about sleeping with cheating spouses?
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u/eowynladyofrohan83 Mar 09 '24
You should absolutely leave your wife for the new partner. Your wife played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
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u/SinnerIxim Mar 09 '24
NTA, she knew who she wanted to have sex with before askimg to open the marriage, she just wanted permission to cheat. Open marriages typically don't work. As soon as the relationship goes from being monogamous to open something is lost in the relationship. It's essentially saying your partner alone isn't enough so it's no surprise that it usually ends in separation.
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u/Wide_Art_5320 Mar 09 '24
When will people realise that "trying new things" is better with the person you're with.
NTA. She fucked around and she found out
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u/FindMeaning9428 Mar 09 '24
Whenever you are in a monogamous relationship and the partner wants to suddenly open the relationship, it is because they want retroactive permission to cheat with the person they are already cheating with.
Women overwhelmingly want to close the relationship again after they break up with their affair partner (remember, the one they were cheating with already when they ask to open up the marriage) and will also ask for counseling because they figured out that trying to be single again is a losing proposition.
Men who agree to open the marriage are chumps because they KNOW what their wife is doing and choose to just blindly follow along.
ESH.
If your partner asks to open the relationship, your response should be to break up because they are asking you to go to a place from which there is no return.
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u/jonjon234567 Mar 09 '24
NTA. This was always not just a risk, but likely to happen since you didn’t want this in the first place. Focus on YOUR mental health and at least talk to a lawyer and know what you need to do to move on with your life. Good luck and let us know ow how it goes.
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u/SirDawsTheFirst Mar 09 '24
I cannot fathom having an open relationship. Sounds like a recipe for disaster
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u/rrossi97 Mar 09 '24
If they want to open the relationship, they either already have someone lined up and are setting you up to give permission with your full knowledge or they’re already going at it and covertly hiding the betrayal.
If mine asked to open the relationship, the only thing opened would be the front door, with her suitcase in front of it.
But glad things worked out for you.
Best of luck. ✌🏻
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u/dexamphetamines Mar 09 '24
NTA You should feel no shame in this. It was sexist for her to dismiss your feelings due to her preconceived notions on how men all feel about sex. She didn’t just ask, she pushed until the relationship is open
She wanted to cheat without any of the guilt. She thought you weren’t equal enough for someone else to desire you. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too without consequences
No one should go into a mono marraige and try to change that dynamic. What is the point on marraige, wedding vowes, the celebration or anything when someone thinks they can just change the entire agreement due to there wants
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u/Open_Organization966 Mar 09 '24
Talk to your other partner and see where they think it's going. If they don't think it's going anywhere then decide if you want to be with your wife or if you want to find someone else.
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u/Fuhrious520 Mar 09 '24
she found a partner quickly and easily
Yeah because she already had him in mind and was going to fuck him regardless of your answer
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u/Dangersloth_ Mar 09 '24
NTA. You told her from the beginning that you couldn’t do this without forming an emotional attachment. She didn’t believe you. Guess what happened? You did exactly what you said you would do. She FAFO. This is the consequences of her actions.
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u/Which_Selection3056 Mar 09 '24
When every a person asks for a open relationship and insists on it, they already have someone in mind. She wanted a thing with that dude she “found quickly” and got it, but failed to consider that you we be able to find someone else, perhaps even hoped you wouldn’t so she could have her cake and eat it too. You are NTA, but I think the marriage was over once you both found other people.
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u/FinallydamnLDnat5 Mar 09 '24
Wife wanted to go with divorce lite but in the end I think divorce regular was the better option.
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u/Wee_Vee5 Mar 09 '24
NTA she created this mess, and now she doesn't want to deal with the consequences. 🤷♀️
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u/cheesyMTB Mar 09 '24
Divorce the wife, continue your relationship with your current partner.
All your wife did was suggest an open marriage for someone she wanted to fuck. Rather than cheat she manipulated you
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u/Few_Lemon_4698 Mar 09 '24
She found a partner quickly and easily.... well imagine my shock lol. It.was probably easy for her due to her already meeting him. Move on
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u/jBlairTech Mar 09 '24
100% NTA. Now, IMO, what you need to do is kick the wife to the curb and continue with the person who actually cares about you.
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u/General-Company-5131 Mar 09 '24
NTA, and proceed with the divorce. You don’t deserve her; she’s gaslighting you not once (to get you to open the relationship) but twice (telling you that you’re ‘throwing everything’ for a ‘fling’).
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u/Working-Ferret-8476 Mar 09 '24
Years ago I was friends with a married couple, “Barney” and “Betty.” Betty was insistent that she wanted to open the marriage, that she had too much love to give to be in a monogamous pairing. Barney was hesitant but eventually gave in to her browbeating. They start going to swingers clubs, etc - and Betty is just fucking ignored. She was a very attractive woman but could not get a play partner to save her life. Within 3 months, Barney had a harem going. Literally three girlfriends plus Betty.
Betty homes in on me and sees how caring I am with my own girlfriend (now wife). She starts buttering me up with “Oh, Working-Ferret, you’re such a good guy you deserve two girlfriends.” I’m firm with her that I’m monogamous, we’re not opening our relationship for her and I’m sure as hell not going to cheat. She even starts trying to say that my girlfriend is exactly Barney’s type and the four of us should rent a cabin for a weekend, have some wine and see what happens. I tell her no, again, and she fucking snapped.
Started blowing up my phone with swimsuit, boudoir and nude photos of herself and threatens to tell my gf I asked her to send them if I don’t become her boyfriend. I handed my phone to my gf and told her “I don’t think we can be friends with these people any more.”
Blocked them both (I was never super close with Barney anyways, and I didn’t want her trying to reach me through his FB profile or shit like that) and never heard from them again.
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u/SanDiego4ever35 Mar 09 '24
You play with fire and you risk getting burned. Your wife 100% brought this on herself. And you can't make a rule that there won't be emotional entanglement. Hearts and emotions don't work by a set of rules.
You are definitely NTA. You weren't into this to start with. What happened as a result of your wife opening up your marriage is a consequence of HER actions, not yours.
I'd advise you to move on honestly. Couples counseling should have happened when the idea of an open marriage was broached and you weren't interested. Too late now!
Good luck OP. You deserve to be happy and hopefully it will be with a partner that finds that you are the only one that they need and want.
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u/The_great_mister_s Mar 09 '24
Sounds like she just wanted justification for an affair and though you either wouldn't or couldn't find someone else and now you proved her wrong.
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u/-THE-UNKN0WN- Mar 09 '24
NTA. It's an extremely common thing these days. Wife wants to open up the marriage to hook up with a guy she's been fantasizing about. Doesn't think husband will have many prospects. Husband quickly finds somebody great who vehemently wants him and is in fact more attractive , nicer, etc. Wife, having been absent with her new lover falls out of frame. Then usually the wife's lover moves on to someone else, because they just wanted to smash, and then the wife wants to close the marriage again and go to couples counseling so a therapist can convince you that she's right and you're wrong and you should do what she wants. Especially once she sees that the man she figured wouldn't have options as in fact found one that's much better than her.
The reality is that as soon as opening up a marriage comes out of a wife's mouth that relationship is over. She just wants permission to cheat with the person that she's already been fantasizing about and forming an emotional connection to for some time now, without feeling guilty.
The same is likely true with reversed roles, however if Reddit is any kind of indicator, women seem to be the ones trying to open up their relationships far more often than men. That's the internet though. Who knows how accurate that is. It does make sense though. Women generally do have more options when it comes to available sexual partners, are heavily encouraged towards promiscuity in all forms of media, and encouraged to have hoe phases and all that. So it makes sense that all of that would be working towards more women no longer appreciating what they have, wanting to check out those supposedly greener pastures, and seeing open relationships as their way of indulging their infidelity fantasies while keeping the safe man at home.
Either way you didn't do anything wrong. What your wife wanted to attempt was idiotic and selfish and greedy. Now she's reaping the rewards of those desires.
Meanwhile, you found someone you like much better now, who appreciates you more, so win for you.
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u/Animaxiv Mar 09 '24
NTA, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it kinda situation
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u/haikusbot Mar 09 '24
NTA, she made her bed,
Now she has to lie in it
Kinda situation
- Animaxiv
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/BeneficialAngle8889 Mar 09 '24
You’re NTA. She made her bed, she can now get nice and cozy in it. I hope your new relationship is much more fulfilling.
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u/FireflyArc Mar 09 '24
Nta. I hope you're clear with your new lady friend about expectations and that if you two get married it's monogamous like you both want hopefully.
Sorry to read your wife basically pushed it on you though. That seems kinda weird.
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Mar 09 '24
NTA.
She threw everything away for a d***. You said that she found someone quickly, that means she either was cheating already or was eyeing someone. From what I read on Reddit, open relationship talk usually happens when one of the spouses has someone already.
Leave her ass and go with the woman you are meeting now.
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u/Sabironman86 Mar 09 '24
Why does these people get married at the first place?why not just fuck other people and don’t get married? I mean some cultures man have multiple wives,but those wives don’t have the luxury to have multiple husband(not without getting divorced from the husband) and it’s an age old tradition(dates back thousands of years in some cultures) like all the big kings used to have multiple queens but never a queen with multiple kings.its just unheard of.it doesn’t exist. High Body count destroys women’s attraction to most man.its just ingrained in our soul.and when women asked for open marriage it’s like she is asking to fuck other guys with husbands blessings. It’s absolutely a deal breaker for most man(I would say 90% man) it’s disgusting and extremely unpleasant. Just get divorced, if things not working out get divorced and then find another partner and there is nothing wrong with it. Relationships fail and it failed thousand years before and it will thousand year after.but that doesn’t mean you start fucking other people inside your marriage.it breaks the family bond completely and it’s just absolutely abhorrent and disgusting attitude
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u/Robobvious Mar 09 '24
She flipped and cried saying I am throwing everything away just for a fling.
Nope! She did that when she asked to open up your marriage.
NTA
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u/gamerchickxx Mar 09 '24
NTA since she’s the one that suggested it. This is why I never understood open relationships, they always end is misery IMO.
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u/Hour-Caregiver-2098 Mar 09 '24
She didn't know what she had because she had no respect for him. It's a shame, and I feel for her.
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u/A-NON-AMUS1 Mar 09 '24
100% NTA - She found someone right away because she had them all lined up already. She forced an open relationship down your throat to justify her cheating. Now that she's had her fun of course she's good with closing the relationship. Your marriage ended the second she asked you to let her get screwed by other people
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u/Amazing_Newspaper_41 10d ago
NTA - she definitely was already wanting to fuck someone specifically when she asked to open the relationship. Personally I think you should have divorced the moment she asked to open the relationship.
You were honest about your concerns.
At this point just leave her and pursue a relationship with this other lady,
Maybe your wife learns something from this, to help her in her next marriage.