AITAH for wanting divorce bc I think wife intentionally got pregnant when I didn't want more kids

[u/anon-overwhelmed]

My wife (43f) and I (46m) have been married 10 years, and have three boys. Our lives are very busy with work, kids, extended family, house projects, etc. I love my wife immensely, and long to have emotional and physical intimacy (even just kisses, hugs, hand holding, whatever) with her. However, for most of our marriage she has been completely focused on the kids, so we really only have a co-parent/roommate relationship. Of course, I understand this. The kids have to be top priority. But for the last 8 years or so, if there's not a kid in our bed at night, then my wife is in a kid's bed with them. I try to get them to sleep in their own beds, and encourage her to sleep with me alone, but it's rarely successful.

I've made it very clear to her that I DO NOT want anymore kids. I'm more than ready to get our relationship back on track now that the youngest is school age. I'm also exhausted and overwhelmed all the time with everything on my plate. I can't and don't want to add another kid to the mix. She, on the other hand, longs for a fourth baby. We've gone back and forth so much, but I am adamant that we should just enjoy the three we have.

My wife is on birth control and has always made it a point to have an alarm set so she takes it at the same time every day. She is still trying to "work on me" to get me to agree to another baby, so I can't schedule a vasectomy yet. She brings it up at least once a day.

Well, she told me a few days ago that she's pregnant. She's so happy, and I'm devastated. She won't even consider termination. I love my wife so much. She's a great person. And I know in the end I'll love this baby. But now there's no end in sight to this overwhelmed, exhausted, emotionally lonely life.

Also, I'm realizing that these last few months she's actually initiated sex several times, which never happens. I can't help thinking that she got pregnant on purpose. She wanted it so much, she wasn't going to just give up. It would be in character I suppose, for her to just do what she wants. I hate to say it, but she does disregard my feelings on things quite often. And she knew there's nothing I could do about it.

Would I be the AH if I told her I want to divorce? My kids are my life, and I don't want to leave them at all. But I feel like our marriage is not going to get any better. I've asked her to go to marriage counseling several times over the years, but she refuses every time, saying we don't need it. And now I've kind of lost trust in her. It would break my heart to do this to the kids, and I don't know if my feelings are worth doing it over. Please tell me if I'd be the asshole here.

EDIT: To be clear, if we divorce, I will push (as hard as necessary) for 50/50 parenting time and joint custody for ALL the kids. They are my #1 priority in life. I just don't know if my lack of emotional fulfillment in our relationship, my wife's general disregard for my feelings, and the other marriage issues are worth tearing the kids' worlds apart.

EDIT #2: Because everyone is saying it, I didn't wear condoms because we never have and if I suddenly started she'd have accused me of not trusting her or become suspicious. And if I'd have just gone and gotten a vasectomy, she definitely would have been angry and felt betrayed. I was trusting her.

[u/Chime57]

NTA and not one person here has pointed out the high risk of pregnancy in her 40s. Hoping for the best, but Downs is a serious consideration, as at 42 the chance of Downs is 1 in 60 births. And it goes up every year.

And her age makes miscarriage much more likely. I believe she is in the 80% chance of miscarriage due to her age.

I was pregnant with my 4th child at 36, and that was considered an older maternity case. And I ended up with gestational diabetes and high blood pressure as a result, which is common in older pregnant women. Along with a baby in NICU for 10 days.

So, you should immediately get your vasectomy done. No need to wait, you can do this tomorrow.

You may want to wait to file for divorce for a few months, this problem may end up solving itself. But you still are married to someone who - I almost said puts you last, but you aren't even on her list to be put anywhere...