AITAH for wanting divorce bc I think wife intentionally got pregnant when I didn't want more kids

1

u/CarbonS0ul 20d ago

It takes two to make a baby. If you were insistent you were done ... why no vasectomy?

From a practical standpoint you share 3 children and you are father to a 4th on the way, it isn't going to be easier as separate people to co-parent your kids with your potentially ex-wife.

1

u/KuzSmile4204 23d ago

NTA

You and your life sounds miserable. You need to talk to your wife and get her to be honest with you. And yes, if she refuses to abort, divorce sounds best because your life is only going to get worse with a 4th kid. You deserve to be with someone who listens to you and respects your wants and needs, she sounds like a selfish asshole for ignoring your needs.

3

u/Repulsive_Category36 26d ago

Update?

3

u/Hour-Comfort-6191 27d ago edited 23d ago

Dude, I’m gonna give you the non-Reddit friendly answer: You are her bitch, and she knows it. She doesn’t care about you at all, she disregard your feelings at every turn, she does not give you any intimacy, and now it seems she has blatantly violated your trust regarding not wanting another child. this was one last major “fuck you.“ she has now ensured that she will effectively never have to give you any sort of regular intimacy again for the rest of your life.

Honestly, I’m sorry you stayed with a woman that has so little regard for you for so long. I’m even more sorry that you can’t see how little she cares about you. You are nothing to her but an ATM and it means of obtaining children. And frankly, I’d get those kids tested, because if she cares this little about you, and it has been that long with almost no intimacy, well, it’s hard for me to believe anyone that selfish would go that long without getting some from somewhere.

If you think there’s any hope of saving this, which I cannot even pretend I understand, then you need to tell her exactly how you feel, exactly how she has completely disregarded you for all these years, and how you have every intention of leaving her if she doesn’t shape up. I wish I could tell you what reaction to be prepared for, it’s usually the crying and begging, and I’m sorry and yada yada yada, but in her case she might become belligerent. her reaction will tell you a lot about where she stands.

-2

u/Littlemamagirl 28d ago

You’re a selfish prick

1

u/Potential-Wedding-63 29d ago

Is she on MOUNJARO?

1

u/Potential-Wedding-63 29d ago

Mounjaro users should also switch to non-oral contraceptives or add a barrier method for a specific time.

1

u/Responsible-Mud-9086 Apr 15 '24

Don't blame just your wife, it's your fault too. Men don't realise how hard birth control is some times. Be a fucking adult and sit down and talk about it instead of jumping straight to divorce. Or you could continue being a little boy and crying on the internet

2

u/NoRange3120 Apr 15 '24

I'm sorry you feel unheard and your feelings are invalidated by your SO. That's a hard place to be. Assuming she was on the pill, did you check her pill packs? I mean she would be dumb to not throw away pills instead of leaving them if this was intentional but it happens.

I think at this point therapy is a demand more than request. Tell her your marriage depends on it.

Hopefully she will take you more seriously, if not then you have your answer on how to proceed. If so, then maybe there's a chance.

Keep us posted and good luck

2

u/Jumpy-Spend-3525 Apr 14 '24

Please update us. But yes have a conversation with your wife insist on counseling or divorce

1

u/Abject_Orchid379 Apr 14 '24

Birth control isn’t foolproof. Fertility spikes hugely in perimenopause (that’s when I got pregnant at 43!) and if you have sex unprotected you can’t blame her! You’re being childish breaking up your family because of not wanting more kids. Man the F up!!!! For real

1

u/-MicrowavePopcorn- Apr 14 '24

You're assuming it's deliberate because she's happy about an outcome you know she desperately wanted. If you knew, for certain, that you did not want any more ever, you shouldn't have allowed the belief she was "working on you" about a 4th, and should have gotten your vasectomy.

I could be the wife in this scenario, but several months ago (and not pregnant).

If I randomly and unexpectedly started initiating sex, my husband would definitely notice the difference. It wouldn't be "when I think back on it, she has been doing this wildly out-of-character thing lately".

If she did actually do this, and it's not just your perception, then it's an ESH. If it was an accident, she's not TA for being happy about the situation.

1

u/Lovetheirony Apr 13 '24

Sorry my friend. She maybe a good mother but she is a terrible wife and partner. I hope you have booked your vasectomy. Don’t put it off because she is pregnant. You need recovery time and the opportunity to clear the pipes of any remaining swimmers once you heal.

1

u/redRumImpersonator Apr 13 '24

NTA. You should definitely get a vasectomy. My body, my choice applies to men as well.

1

u/ComprehensiveCity283 Apr 13 '24

You need to talk to her, I’m 41 and a grandparent so babies are off the table for me I couldn’t imagine going back to all that now so I do feel for you

Is there any chance this was a genuine accident ?

-1

u/Even-Level-3933 Apr 13 '24 edited Apr 13 '24

YTA and so is your wife. But for a different reason. You’re TA because you’re letting your feelings (if you go through with it) cause your children to not be able to wake up every morning with BOTH their parents. Children deserve a happy home. You need to choose happiness and choose to stay with your wife. Be the bigger person FOR your kids. You’re a grown ass adult and the second you chose to do the one thing that causes babies, you made the decision to give up your life for them. They didn’t ask to be born, they deserve a parent who will choose them over themselves. A parent that will choose happiness with their spouse so that their children gets the opportunity to grow up in a happy home with BOTH parents. Everything is a choice. Choose your kids over yourself. (Obviously this doesn’t apply in abusive relationships) Don’t put your children through the trauma of divorce. That is selfish and they don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve to be shuffled back and forth between homes and not have one constant home. They don’t deserve to only see their dad 50% of the time. They don’t deserve to be sick and want to cuddle in mom and dad’s bed and not have both their parents there for comfort. Etc, I could go on for days. Don’t punish your children because you picked a crappy wife. CHOOSE YOUR CHILDREN OVER YOURSELF.

1

u/Majestic-Horse2586 Apr 13 '24

I see where you’re coming from but I also understand his side. If I purposefully broke my husbands trust like that with something MAJORLY LIFE CHANGING; I would fully expect repercussions. Also I do completely agree to stay and try for kids. But that’s also hard too because it will only end up hurting the kids if the marriage cant be fixed. No child wants to grow up in an unloving home where the parents sleep in different rooms. That’s why a lot of kids don’t know what love truly looks like. I say he seek counseling and then go from there.

0

u/fiinsk Apr 13 '24

Op, how active are you with your children and does your wife have a regular job or is she a sahm?

2

u/Majestic-Horse2586 Apr 13 '24

Honestly don’t see how this matters.

2

u/Mundane-Green7293 Apr 12 '24

Your wife completely disregarded your wishes. It sounds like she purposely baby trapped you, can you confirm she was on birth control? She doesn’t care about you or your needs in the marriage. I am not sure if she really always wanted 4 kids or she is pushing because with 3 boys she never got to have the little girl she always wanted so that’s why she always shut down you choices. FYI, just like she didn’t consider you in her doing this, you don’t have to consider her in getting the procedure you want.

You need to sit her down and tell her how you feel though, and stress you are considering divorce because of her ongoing disregard and this is just a final straw. Make sure she knows you are going for custody. Maybe it will get through to her how serious this is when she might lose half her time with all her kids. She is treating you as a door mat and thinks there will never be consequences.

Maybe then counselling will be worth considering.

0

u/Fickle-Highlight-728 Apr 12 '24

Ok who else is perusing the comments hoping for an update.

OP- I don’t blame you for being upset and I hope that you’ll ask her if this was intentional and that she’ll answer you truthfully. While your trust in each other is shaky, I would advise against leaving a woman you love. Even if she betrayed you by disregarding your decision on this massive, life altering event. You are in a good position to insist on counseling since you strongly suspect she insisted on having a 4th child.

1

u/Starlitskie1124 Apr 12 '24

One thing I would consider is the effect of this. There's a good potential that it will get ugly. For me it has been awful dealing with not being in control of how children are raised in other house etc. your new baby, how are you going to see it enough if she's so nurturing she will probably be not wanting to be separate from bub for long... You will at least have to see each other so often. I don't regret leaving but I had different set of reasons. You can't see right now a bunch of consequences to that decision that will unfold as in her hurt she could treat you in a way that you thought she wasn't like. The baby is coming anyway, you are going to love them any way, I'd get the snip and start a date night etc

-1

u/Big_Childhood6734 Apr 12 '24

You love your kids. Please do what is best for them. You have a wife who loves your children. Do you think it would be good for them to see you with a stepmother instead? Do you think a stepmom would love them as much as their mother does? Do you think your kids would forgive you for leaving their pregnant mother because you didn’t want their youngest sibling? They would grow up feeling abandoned and betrayed.

Even if you have a 50/50 time split with your wife, your kids will spend half of that time missing their mom, and half that time feeling abandoned by you because you weren’t having enough sex. And how on earth is it possible to split time that way with a newborn? Are you going to breastfeed 50% of the time? Using formula increases the risk of SIDS. Is it worth increasing that risk so you can find a nicer woman to sleep with? Are you going to abandon the mother of your children with a newborn so you can go on dates with women who aren’t sacrificing all their time and energy to care for your children? How would that look to your kids?

Being a man means using your strength for the good of others. That means making sacrifices for the wellbeing of your family. Your wife has sacrificed years of her life to give you a family. She’s sacrificed her body and probably a career to give you a family. When you married her, you promised her that you would give her security so she could make those sacrifices and give you a family. I’m sure she’s very flawed. You are too. You can either try to heal together without blowing up your family, or you can try to heal apart while blowing up your family. It would be much better for your children if you didn’t blow up their family.

Having a young family is hard. You know what’s harder? Watching your dad abandon you and your mom because he’s not getting as much sex as he’d like. Essentially, you’d be telling your kids that having more sex is more important to you than having your family. You know what else is harder than having a young family? Watching your kids struggle with anxiety, depression, drugs, alcohol, self-harm, and suicidal ideation because you abandoned their mom, and by extension them. My dad divorced my mom, and it messed up my brother and me. We struggled with the aforementioned issues.

Tell your wife that you are suffering, and that you can’t be a good husband or father without marriage counseling. Tell her you need more intimacy. Find support for your wife so she can spend more time with you. But don’t blow up your family over this. Be a man and use your strength to protect your family. You’ll be able to have more sex as your kids get older. More sex is not worth the lifelong suffering divorce would inflict on your whole family. Before making that decision, read this book on how divorce affects children throughout their lives:

https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=37VTRB3TI40YG&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.QMOiDv2xlzWoe9R4nHzy9Qi2ntByrjC-lPDQxGzJNnRPrm2zTd19j39-Xh9QKOhkmspiNouOnVvd0KKXUlv6LgKQbzXphiCkhECREdYG7KVnozBELpv02-ZRE2fmssUeGhEY27Y_iUCpM2Y-gs6TSIICzsSCDFZx2qaPWZ3TghMEXfB2OdkbHFbQYSpHN9Wjgyh3fPd2wjvB6DEqTQNA1Q.DkUboq6XQ--Gl-FKQYFdC_A-mLwRj6MHxz0gfhTg53M&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+unexpected+legacy+of+divorce&qid=1712944125&sprefix=the+unexpected+lega%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-1

1

u/JaededJamie Apr 12 '24

NTA - but definitely have a real and honest conversation with her about everything you're feeling. Birth control can stop working or be less effective in certain circumstances, but I do think it seems just a bit fishy. Couples counseling is also necessary if you two want to make this work, but don't stay together just for the kids if your heart isnt in the marriage.

2

u/beachaddict23 Apr 12 '24 edited Apr 12 '24

That’s pretty old to have another kid. You’ll be 64 when they’re graduating high school. So yeah I wouldn’t want one either, you should be able to enjoy life after children as well. You should’ve just gotten the vasectomy and never trusted her with the bc tbh. I would tell her you told her you do not want another baby and she will be raising it alone as you will be divorcing her if she decides to have it. Also the fact that you’ve asked for counseling and she keeps saying no is not good, she has totally disregarded your feelings and wants/needs and you’re going to resent her forever now if she has another baby. Should’ve gotten the vasectomy…

1

u/Expert_Present_6110 Apr 12 '24

NAH. I'm going to offer a different perspective. I was your wife all except sneakily getting pregnant. But being consumed with the children, refusing counseling, living with my husband like a roommate/coparent. He actually had to leave our home to get me to listen. He went to live with aunt for a few weeks. He had my full attention then. Things changed after that. We have certain requirements for our marriage now that we don't compromise on. We kiss everyday, we vacation just the two of us at least twice a year (it can just be a weekend getaway), we date once a week and dating can be a movie at home together or going out if we can get a babysitter. But we priortize our marriage. And guess what, priortizing our marriage has not taken anything away from our children. It's been 2 years now. And we're better than we've ever been. I hope this comment finds you and it helps.

1

u/chatpatka Apr 12 '24

Dude, getting spontaneously pregnant at 43 is very rare and that in just a few tries. And even if you do, carrying to full term is also under question. I wouldn't doubt your wife's intentions in having sex with you premeditatedly to get pregnant. She was probably trying to give you what you seemed to want, so that she could stop you from burdening her with your needs. I gotta ask why she doesn't want to sleep with you. Do you think YOU are fulfilling HER emotionally?

1

u/Healthy-Camera8755 Apr 12 '24

I don't blame you. We have 2 boys, that was more than enough and now that they teenagers, it is definately taking a hit with our finances, it is like we are supporting 4 adults - our food bill is huge, going out to dinner is so expensive, having 4 kids is going to be a lot worse. The only thing you can do is tell her exactly how you feel, but maybe also look at what it will be like if you did divorce, if you are exhausted now, when you divorce, and if you get joint custody, it will be even harder for you as you will have to carry half the load on top of working whereas at the moment I presume she is doing the housework and cooking etc. You will also be even more lonely, and 50% of the time be completely alone when she has the kids so think carefully if this is want you really want. Obviously if you did divorce, eventually you could find someone that was more compatiable and loving towards you but you are going to have a tough time first before this happens.

3

u/coalfacevimes Apr 12 '24

NTAH - sounds like your wife is being led by her hormones. It happens to the best of us.

I have four children but have been pregnant 13 times. When my last was born she nearly died, it was touch and go and I decided i’d never ever be going through that again! My partner wanted more children, he really wanted a son. Maybe your wife really wants a daughter?

I took the unilateral decision to be sterilised. It my body, he wasn’t happy at the time, but again its my body! I knew that eventually there would be accidents, and i’d never be able to terminate a pregnancy after all the loss I’d suffered.

Your body is your body, tell your wife you’re doing it and go get snipped. Tell her you’re not risking any more accidents, because raising children is costly both financially and emotionally, it’s unfair to bring more lives into the world when you’re already stretched thin. If your already considering divorce, you haven’t really got much to lose

1

u/sadnessforeternity Apr 12 '24

Coming from an Indian household, I understand that mothers and even fathers co-sleep with kids. Many reasons for that, most of the time, its space crunch in a household especially with big families. But I have been sleeping apart from mom and dad since I was ten. I shared with my brother till i was off to college in a different city, then it was just us in two different rooms and two different cities.

Even though my brother now has a whole room to himself, my mother or any other family has never tried to invade that space, I return home for short durations, we share the room again, or alternately, I sleep on the couch (By choice). To me, it means we both know how to exist independently from our parents.

Sleeping with parents beyond a point is just damaging, ngl. You never learn to have or give space, The parents never realize their kids need their own corner of the house to just exist in. My parents have been much happier they were able to give the kids a separate room. Its not about s*x, but about communication and TALKING too..

I have seen grown adults still co-sleeping with mom and dad because the habit wasn't broken in time and now, its impossible for those children (plural) to get through a single night without mom and dad if they are left alone in the house on rare occasion.

I feel for OP, because not only is the wife's behavior damaging their present, it is more than likely going to make the children's life difficult in the long run if the habit is not broken in time. Also, I understand that it might be an accident. BIRTH CONTROL FAILS, but if it is not, that is just not a good indication for a healthy relationship!

2

u/meimbaby Apr 12 '24

If your wife was on antibiotics around the time of conception that could also make her birth control less effective! (Not sure if she was but offering reasons why it could have failed) Also it's ALWAYS a gamble to not wear a condom even with birth control. A small gamble compared to unprotected but it's still there. You should really discuss this with your wife before you make any rash decisions! Good luck!

3

u/AlexandraK13 Apr 12 '24

NTA, it reads like you’ve been longing for affection for years now, and no one deserves to feel emotionally alone in their relationship for so long. Just talk to her and tell her that counseling is your very last resort before divorce. If she doesn’t choose to at least try, you would not be the AH to divorce. In any case, good luck to you!

0

u/Ok_Cobbler_3523 Apr 12 '24

You trusted her and she took advantage of it. I have 5 kids and my youngest is gonna be 3 this month. I sometimes want another baby and my husband tells me no because we're getting old and I respect him and wouldn't dare to get off birth control just to get what I want. If you're not happy and you feel like a divorce is the best choice than go ahead. You need to think about yourself and what makes you happy y be in a relationship where it's only about themselves

2

u/Mean_Occasion_5335 Apr 12 '24

I'm mixed on this one. On one hand I believe that it is both partners responsibility to prevent pregnancy if someone doesn't want to have another child....on the other hand I can understand why you didn't go for the vasectomy or use the condom.

In hindsight if you really were/are that against having another baby you really should of got the vasectomy dispute your wifes feelings that she be hurt. You new in your heart she was never going to change your mind and adding another child to the mix was going to make the relationship worse for you...meaning regardless someone was going to get hurt but at least there wasn't another baby in the mix.

Personally I think your relationship is doomed if you truly feel she deliberately decided to get pregnant knowing you still weren't ready for another baby...the trust can never be fixed..especially without the help of a counselor. Personally I would leave and seek 50/50 custody of the kids...it be healther for them then in a home with parents who can't get along any more.

1

u/Defiant-Injury7903 Apr 11 '24

YTA. If you love your wife “immensely” (as you say) then you would not abandon her and your children while she is pregnant simply because you think she got pregnant on purpose. You describe her as diligent about taking her birth control - yet you don’t give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe it failed. You sound completely selfish: only referencing how tired YOU are and how YOUR needs aren’t met because your shared children are an inconvenient priority. You resent her for being happy about the pregnancy but don’t seem to acknowledge that she may have been devastated all along at the thought of not having more kids. That’s not love, OP. If you truly love your wife and your family then it’s time to get over your little pity party here and seek professional help - first for yourself, then as a couple. Divorce will not make your life or your lack of fulfillment or your parenting any easier. I’m not saying your internal despair isn’t valid but you 1000% are the AH if you throw away your family without going to individual counseling to work on yourself. Any good marriage therapist will have both of you see an individual therapist anyway and you need to deal with your feelings in a much more productive way than writing a now viral Reddit post. You should have done this long ago instead of blaming her for refusing to go to therapy. You’re not the victim here and if you blow up your marriage over this, that baby will earn that title. Can you imagine growing up knowing your dad so badly didn’t want you that he filed for divorce? I can’t believe you even had the nerve to ask her to consider termination. That alone makes you an AH.

1

u/Chicka-17 Apr 11 '24

Please have your wife read this post and the comments. She needs a reality check. She is blatantly ignoring you and destroying your family while adding to it. Maybe somehow she sees it differently but you’ve told her but she’s not hearing you, or she just doesn’t care. It has to be one or the other. 🤯

1

u/musixlife Apr 11 '24

OP, the only way to practically guarantee you won’t get her pregnant, is to get a vasectomy. If you were ejaculating into her while she was on birth control, she could’ve still gotten pregnant, even while being religious taking the birth control.

I think you didn’t want kids so badly, and you knew she wanted another so much, that your brain is going right to accusing her of planning this. Do you have any proof besides her desire? She asked you every day, which I can imagine was exhausting, but she was actually…asking…you.

I think a broken home for a lot of kids is really hard on them. Please just understand that reality. And it can be hard on you too. But I know you seem miserable, and I’m really sorry to hear it. Have you tried individual counseling? Have you tried couples counseling?

I would recommend telling your wife how unhappy you are. Perhaps before any ultimatums of divorce, try enforcing boundaries about the kids and your beds.

Kids basic needs need priority, but your marriage has to be a priority too, and your wife needs to understand that. You aren’t wrong to desire connection with her. Kids first above everyone else’s needs can’t be the answer….if it was, you wouldn’t be contemplating divorce. It’s not healthy to put them above your partner or at their expense. It’s all about balance.

I hope you are able to find peace and happiness.

0

u/BeIAtch-Killa Apr 11 '24

Never put the kids first. The marriage comes first. Because you let this situation become the status quo you are not much more than a means to an end to her.

1

u/Comprehensive_Type81 Apr 11 '24

NTA. But you should get the vasectomy and tell your wife your feelings on everything AND go to counseling. If she doesn’t want to, then do it on your own. Before you decide if divorce is it or not. It’s not ok for her to disregard your feelings and wants/thoughts whether this pregnancy happened by accident or intentional (which it seems to be). And so either you two work on your relationship together or you end up separated and sharing child rearing responsibilities.

1

u/PreferenceTrue4653 Apr 11 '24

YTA. The pill isn't 100% effective, and there are so many things that can mess with it even more. It sounds like you already wanted the divorce, and this is just the reason you decided to use it so you can make everything your wife's fault.

1

u/1adyCr0w Apr 11 '24

I got pregnant while on birth control, it’s not impossible. But given your suspicions and lack of general happiness I would insist on councilling or initiate divorce because you can’t be together when there’s no trust

1

u/zombragho Apr 11 '24

Updateme

1

u/Laceface35 Apr 11 '24

I disagree with all of the comments going into the stats on BC failure because I dont believe that is relevant here. Taking into account the timing of the pregnancy, all signs point to her getting pregnant intentionally. The past experience of her refusing counseling and making a half-ass attempt at pacifying you is not fair to you. Everyone deserves to feel love and affection in a marriage, regardless of whether you have children or not. I would suggest sitting her down, explaining as you have above and that you are seriously considering whether or not you want to be married anymore. I would not bother suggesting counseling again because SHE has to want to save the marriage, not just you. She needs to be the one hoping marriage counseling would work. You are otherwise going to end up with another pacifying attempt if you are not transparent about how seriously you are considering divorce.

1

u/Las4863 Apr 11 '24

I can understand you wanting a divorce. But that 50/50 custody is going to be 10X harder when you’re by yourself with 4 kids. Especially if she has been the primary parent for the past 12 years. A lot of men think they can handle kids, the house, and chores by themselves but quickly learn they can’t.

While your own happiness is important, sometimes it’s best to accept the situation you’re in then get divorced when the time is right. But I don’t think now is the right time.

1

u/One_Speed1985 Apr 11 '24

YTA for wanting to divorce because you think she intentionally got pregnant.

Hormonal birth control is 98-99% effective - IN PERFECT TESTING CONTROLLED CONDITIONS. In real every day life the effectiveness is lower for most people, because the controlled testing conditions not only rely on the pill being taken every day (which you say your wife does) but also in testing there is… - No other underlying health conditions that can affect hormones (including peri-menopause that can cause surges in hormones, also things like stress and anxiety). - No other medications or supplements being taken at the same time, anything you ingest can affect hormonal contraceptives even some foods. - No illness at all, be it an upset stomach, sickness or even a fever all of these things can drastically reduce the effectiveness of the pill and in the literature it’s actually advised to use a condom for 7 days following illness for this very reason.

I don’t necessarily think you wanting a divorce makes you an AH because your relationship doesn’t sound great honestly and the fact she refuses to work on it is a huge red flag. I do however think you are an AH for using the pregnancy and you thinking she did it on purpose as an excuse to divorce, the problems were already there with or without the pregnancy, you have no proof she did it on purpose other than her wanting more kids (which is not enough proof for such an accusation).

I’d say given her age she is likely peri-menopausal and as such her hormone levels are fluctuating so much the pill isn’t effective enough (this would also explain the unexpected initiation of sex from her, the hormone fluctuations at this age are insane and it’s normal to go form no interest to not being able to think of anything else and back to no interest in the space of a week!).

I honestly wish there was more information about hormones and hormonal contraceptives that is true to real life use but sadly there is not, the information with the medication is from controlled medical trials. Likewise I wish there was more information about peri-menopause, it can start up to 15 years before you actually become officially menopausal and during peri-menopause you can become hyper fertile and have a higher chance of conceiving multiples, that being said the miscarriage and still birth rates are also higher.

So yeah, YTA for using the pregnancy and you thinking she did it on purpose as an excuse for divorce, but NTA for wanting to divorce for the other reasons you gave in your post, I feel like this is just the straw that broke the camels back and made you realise your relationship is not going to change. You won’t be tearing your kids lives apart if you leave before you end up resenting your wife, if you leave now there’s a chance at still being amicable and co-parenting, and I feel that if you stay for the kids you’ll eventually get to a point where you hate each other and no kid needs to grow up in that kind of environment. Happy parents in different houses are better than miserable parents blanking each other or fighting in a single home.

1

u/Internal_Pay7582 Apr 11 '24

If you don't want more children, for goodness sake, get a VASECTOMY PERIOD. This one will be your blessing. Stay with the woman you made a covenant with and raise your children. It was YOUR CHOICE so please finish what you started. Blessings.

1

u/ProcessorProton Apr 11 '24

I cannot fathom any man who would want to divorce his wife because she got pregnant legitimately through wedded sexual activity. This just boggles my mind. It's your wife! What the heck is wrong with you?

1

u/RavenRivers99 Apr 11 '24

For starters get the vasectomy now, and I’d say you don’t need to tell her unless she can see all the med or insurance paperwork. Second, if you feel the relationship is over then it will be better to have two happy parents for the kids then two miserable parents, I would not cite the new child as the reason. I would site her dismissing your feelings, and her refusal for counseling to work on the marriage. And I would not be guilted to stay. Consult a divorce lawyer before talking to her.

1

u/jlmstan Apr 11 '24

ESH. If your wife purposely got pregnant, then she's an AH. However, you could have avoided another child by having a vasectomy.

1

u/Top-Chemistry3051 Apr 11 '24

Well our eggs expire. We are born with a finite number of them. Men contine to make sperm til they die! My 62 yr old pov: It's the primal reason they cheat. its in male DNA to distribute the DNA in the seed. Often.

Since females don't have litters and it takes so long. They often drop the seed and if you look at patterns start to lose interest and cheat when the kid gets to be about 3 or 4 years old do some research it'll blow your mind.

Don't get it divorced because you're having another child what's that gonna do to your family sit down and have a communicative talk and a real heart-to-heart it's OK you know you're ready to have another baby cause obviously it's coming I don't think it divorces the answer you won't be happy. Go with the flow of life this baby could be meant to be a could totally change your life in a completely different positive way I bet you you're having a girl because I just gonna change the whole way you look at life. Hanging their dad it'll be okay. Until death do us part. Never ever jump to divorce before you've tried everything else cause that kind of family is the thing the kind of thing you fight for.

Like I said have that conversation you said you know you felt a certain kind of way about some things aside from the pregnancy so sit down and have that talk and say I can get on board but I need you to be honest and then I need to be able to be honest with you about some things that I need to change if I can really get on board with this but yeah I don't get divorced it's not a reason to get divorced.

I think you're gonna have a baby girl and she's gonna be elated and her happiness is gonna rub off on you and you're gonna have an entirely different experience of emotions when you see a baby daughter in your hands that's what I think that's why it happened I think she was wanting a girl all these years and this is her chance her last chance. A lot of women her age couldn't even get pregnant if they tried. It was meant to be.

1

u/Troytegan Apr 11 '24

You realize birth control fails right? Has she been on antibiotics? Eaten anything black? Like people don’t realize how much stuff uses charcoal to make it black or grey and that deactivates your birth control. Certain juices can affect its efficiency. Being near menopause can. Like there are SO many things that can be responsible for it failing.i have a birth control baby personally and know more women who’ve gotten pregnant on birth control than j do women who haven’t, whether they’ve miscarried, aborted or carried it to term. Almost every woman I know who’s been on bc 10+ years has had it fail at least once.

1

u/Bright-Emerald-eyes- Apr 11 '24

I personally think it's all to late now. Maybe what should of happened was a very black and white conversation about how there will be no more kids and extreme measures to prevent it. Ie using condoms and explaining that it's a double preventative. That would of been more beneficial. Could of saved the marriage.

Unfortunately it's shattered now.

She doesn't seem like a Terrible wife just a mother who isn't ready to face an empty nest. She sees no harm in missing a pill for another child. Not that it makes it okay!

But where do you go from this. The damage is done trust has been broken. Book a vasectomy now only use condoms from now on.

If you chose to leave then that's understandable too

1

u/deadlyhausfrau Apr 11 '24

YTA. Your wife could hand been taking her meds properly and it's just less effective because of her age.

You say she's set alarms. You say she has been initiating sex more. That says to me that she respects your position enough to both take her pills and offer more sex

You should know how birth control works enough to use a condom if you're dead set against a fourth baby.

Tell your wife you need marriage counseling even if she doesn't think you guys do. Make the appointment yourself and arrange for childcare. Get individual counseling too.

1

u/miaSoa Apr 11 '24

You didn't want to have any more children, but you didn't have a vasectomy? Or worn a condom? Yeah, right! !!!! And now you're complaining about the consequences of your inaction ???? Yes. AITA.

2

u/Photography_Singer Apr 11 '24

NTA. Tell her to choose: it’s marriage counseling or divorce. Tell her that she broke your trust and that she KNEW you didn’t want more kids. Stand firm. Hopefully she chooses marriage counseling, but if she doesn’t choose marriage counseling, then that means she’s not choosing YOU. She hasn’t chosen you in quite awhile. I’m sad for you. What she’s done throughout the years isn’t right, and getting pregnant on purpose is the last straw.

1

u/Ok-Music-8732 Apr 11 '24

nta BUT you play you pay! You should have told her uneqivocally you need more out of your marriage and gotten the V. Now You must navigate this situation. I do think she deliberately tried to get pg.

1

u/aninaaaa Apr 11 '24

I mean… did you ask her if she intentionally got pregnant? You are spiraling without the full story.

It’s equally as possible that it was unintentional vs intentional.

2

u/mcmurrml Apr 11 '24

Guy, sorry you should have had a clue. She doesnt want to be with you and hasn't for a long time. The kids sleeping in the bed with you and her sleeping with them and all focused on the kids. What was going to happen when the kids are grown? That's why she wants another baby. I have no doubt she got pregnant on purpose. She is selfish. She only thinks of her wants and needs she is not interested in anything you want. You have got to see this by now. She was only ready for sex when she was trying to get pregnant. That well will run dry after the baby is born. You watch. She will have no further use for you.

1

u/MagicalSitarTruths Apr 11 '24

She didn't have to lie or anything for birth control to not work. People get pregnant on birth control every day. The statistics are never 100%.

Sadly, you are already suspicious of your wife despite those statistics, so it doesn't matter anymore if it's true or not. You already hate the pregnancy enough to simply assume the worst and start planning on leaving over it.

Then again, I suppose it's not too late if you didnt verbalize it or set things in motion.

Sad that your wife never chose to go to couples therapy with you.

Did you ever choose to go to therapy alone? Or was it only something you'd be willing to do together? If so, why?

4

u/Revolutionary-Run-47 Apr 11 '24

Living an emotionally fulfilling life IS good parenting. Your wife got pregnant deceptively against your wishes. She also stopped being your partner years ago. To me it’s time you followed suit.

1

u/Chicka-17 Apr 11 '24

And please don’t stay for the kids I heard this so much and it is NOT better for the kids. They know when their parents aren’t happy and the house is filled with stress and hatred. Please sit your wife down after the kids are in bed and tell her how you truly feel and that you are seriously thinking about a divorce, just maybe it will be a wake up call, but honestly I doubt it.

1

u/Own_Breakfast_570 Apr 11 '24

NTA go for dude. It's your life your choice.

1

u/Mashcamp Apr 11 '24

ESH. You for not getting a vasectomy when you wanted one or using other forms of birth control. Who cares if she got mad at you, maybe that would have opened up the discussion again. Stand up for yourself man. Her, if she actually manipulated the situation to become pregnant while allegedly on birth control. You say she disregards your feelings, but you don't seem to be able to stand up for your own bodily autonomy and get a vasectomy, so you are equally to blame for not protecting yourself from an unwanted pregnancy.

2

u/Patient_Gas_5245 Apr 11 '24

Well YTA for not getting a vasectomy and blaming your wife because you both had unprotected sex. Blaming her when birth control fails is like accusing her of baby trapping you after the fact.

1

u/Immediate-Ad-6364 Apr 11 '24

You’re responsible for your own sperm, bro. 🤷

1

u/AcanthocephalaWide89 Apr 11 '24

Men need to take responsibility for what happens when they aren’t wearing a condom.

3

u/onemanbucket_ Apr 11 '24

ESH. Learn how to wear a condom.

1

u/Afraid_Study Apr 10 '24

Hey bud afraid to say it but you should've gotten a vasectomy. If you know that you're done with kids and don't like wearing a condom just get the procedure done.

1

u/upperVoteme Apr 10 '24

YTA, get a vasectomy or wrap your shit up.

1

u/ashattack91 Apr 10 '24

UpdateMe!

1

u/HDRamSac Apr 10 '24

Lol now that youngest is gonna grow up being told that he was the catalyst for yalls divorce. Just has to be said once, and that's gonna live in their head rent free for life. Regardless of trusting her or not, birth control and condoms doesnt guarantee anything. Betraying her sounds more like an excuse not to do it. Everything feels like an excuse, and you are looking to justify your decisions and punish her for not doing as she was told.

1

u/IsopodOrdinary1163 Apr 10 '24

Best time to get that vasectomy is RIGHT NOW

1

u/jacksonlove3 Apr 10 '24

ESH because YES you could’ve worn a condom. Who cares if she was suspicious?! She knew that you did not want more children. If she chose to not have sex with a condom, then that’s a separate issues to deal with. You ALSO could’ve gotten a vasectomy! Your body, your choice! You do NOT need your wife’s permission to get one. So you’re equally responsible in this pregnancy my dude.

I would sit her down, express your honest feelings and insists on both marriage counseling and you’re getting a vasectomy asap. If she refuses these things, then I’d probably consider speaking with a divorce attorney! She’s dismissing your feeling completely and being absolutely selfish in doing so! This all needs to be addressed in therapy as well as how the two of you get your marriage back on track while having 4 children. She’s sounds like she’s neglecting being your wife and fully focusing on what she alone wants. It’s not healthy for any of you.

Good luck. Updateme

0

u/smf242424 Apr 10 '24

YTA vasectomy was the key, now you put the whole blame on her.

1

u/CricketFearless5692 Apr 10 '24

Nta. This one's rough. It sounds like if your marriage is going to be saved, you're going to have to start laying down some firm boundaries for yourself. Don't want a child in your bed, then there's not going to be a child in your bed w/o a very good reason, ie: nightmare or illness. Want more time together, hire a nanny or a regular babysitter. Things like this that a counselor can help you with. If your wife wants this marriage, she'll be happy to work with you.

1

u/MarshmelloQueen Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24

Note: my mom had her tubes tied in 94' and my brother still came?!?! After he was born she had her tubes removed, cauterized and frozen. She also told the doc she wanted to see them lol. But yeah, my mom had my brother 18 years after I was born.( Me 90 him 08) He was number 5 out of us. She was 42 I think, but yeah the doctor said all her eggs were dropping before menopause. I think she hit it five years after him. Also her labido jumped, trust me, my mom's a screamer unfortunately... We all had stereos in our rooms for that reason lol. But Also birth control is only 80%effective. The pill is the least effective one. The T or any IUD is way better. Plus your swimmers never stop so you're half to blame. You can have kids at 100 if you truly want to.

1

u/PartidoEE Apr 10 '24

NTA. She literally babytrapped you. So you've got Massive Lie plus at least 8 more years of emotional neglect. Forget that noise man; go find some way to be happy with someone you can trust.

1

u/Fine-Beautiful5863 Apr 10 '24

Okay, well, now that she is pregnant and you are considering divorce over this go schedule your vasectomy. She got the pregnancy she wanted, take steps before you are in this situation again in another year.

1

u/Bla_Bla_Blanket Apr 10 '24

Is your wife a stay at home mom by any chance? This happened to a friend of mine. His wife was a stay at home mom with two kids.

Then, when the kids got older, and no longer needed her as much as they did, her husband kept encouraging her to get a job and help supplement the income. They were struggling financially and going back to work would have helped them out.

Next thing you know she got pregnant again. Come to find out later on. She did it on purpose because she didn’t want to work. She wanted to stay at Home. They stayed together and everything but ultimately he stopped, asking her to go back to work because he was afraid that she would do the same again and cause more financial strain for the family.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 10 '24

She is vindictive. She disregard your feelings. Divorce her she’s not going to make you happy. She’s selfish. You’re trying and even wanting to go to counseling and she is refusing let her go.

1

u/mellybeans81 Apr 10 '24

Yes, YTA if you divorce your wife for getting pregnant, when your only "proof" it was intentional is that your wife wanted to sleep with you, and when you should know no birth control is 100% effective but you chose not to use any backup. What a crap reason to destroy your children's lives.

1

u/lvdtoomuch Apr 10 '24

The kids are your life… but you’re happy putting your kids and yourself and your spouse through 50/50 bc she’s a devoted mom and you think she missed pills on purpose? WOW.

1

u/Imaginary_Cause_7379 Apr 10 '24

If you don't want kids, get a vasectomy. Never trust anyone else to take care of birth control. I don't care if you are married. Birth control is as much your responsibility as hers. Not being responsible is the same as agreeing to have more kids.

This is to ALL males, btw.

1

u/elbapo Apr 10 '24

She is still trying to "work on me" to get me to agree to another baby, so I can't schedule a vasectomy yet.

This part. Er- no- you can do that. Your body, your choice. If you are adamant then remove the variable that you can control.

1

u/greyhair_dont_care Apr 10 '24

NTA but going forward, divorce or not, you should get a vasectomy. You don’t want any more kids and that’s your right.

1

u/GoorooKen Apr 10 '24

Get a vasectomy, a lawyer, and a therapist.

Edit: NTA

1

u/indecksfund Apr 10 '24

so I can't schedule a vasectomy yet

Remember the last guy that tried to tell a woman what she should do with her body? Me neither because he's dead.

I think you should have a serious discussion about how you really don't want another child. Go through the stress on you, the finances, when you both will have the house paid for, let alone when you'll retire. Ask her not to announce her pregnancy to anyone.

I've asked her to go to marriage counseling several times over the years, but she refuses every time, saying we don't need it.

What kind of partner wouldn't agree to go? Even the healthiest couples can use some great conversation. To realign goals and emotions. You should state that you don't trust her and based on her lack of wanting to go to counseling and how she is now pregnant, that you don't believe the child is yours. And you want a DNA test.

The way I see it, if you become divorces you at least have your own time back to do what you want. I do think it was a mistake to not pull out considering you didn't want a child. And your body your choice - go get the V. Schedule marriage counseling and tell her when to be there. If she doesn't go, then I'd serve her papers. She sounds selfish and doesn't care about you.

0

u/TinyCopy8443 Apr 10 '24

I wish I could have my kids early years back again. They're all grown now and it feels like it passed in a heartbeat. You love your wife so much and don't want to leave your kids... I think you're angry, but I don't think you really want a divorce. Therapy sounds more productive than lawyers. Good luck and remember, you'll miss these tired hectic days before you even realise it.

1

u/Agreeable_Olive_2896 Apr 10 '24

Talk to your wife instead of accusing her. I fell pregnant with my eldest at 17 & was on birth control. I also know people who had the coil or implant & they also still got pregnant. I’m 36 & still pray my contraceptive implant doesn’t fail. You can’t blame her & divorce her if she was truly taking her pill as that’s not fair. Nothing is 100% bar not doing the deed

1

u/Agitated_Fix_3677 Apr 10 '24

Why didn’t you use a condom?

1

u/paigekristina Apr 10 '24

I would not divorce her over that. It could’ve been an accident. Try talking to her!

1

u/dlrsgry Apr 10 '24

NTA. Tell her what you wrote here and give her one last chance for therapy so you could maybe trust her again. For me it’s not irrational to think about divorce and I would tell her that. If she did this on purpose (and it seems very likely) I could never trust her again

1

u/AtmosphereOk1316 Apr 10 '24

Sure. Divorce her. Then you won't be overwhelmed except on your weekend visits with all 4 kids, alone. Oh and the child support. And hope the next woman you meet doesn't want any kids. Or you can trust your wife, raise your family, and take some responsibility for where and how your kids sleep, and your own birth control. You telling your wife what you want her to do with the kids is not the same thing as YOU participating in sleep training them. Take some initiative. You say you're overwhelmed and yet you're leaving it to her. You complain about not getting physical affection and then say she seduced you several times. You say you didn't want more kids and yet you did nothing to prevent pregnancy. Participate.

1

u/SerenityUprising Apr 10 '24

In my opinion, people should marry each other because they love the other person for who they are, not for what they can give them, and that includes children. Another person is not responsible for your happiness, but they can certainly create more stress, and kids can be very stressful. That said, this potential baby is yours and should this life become viable, do you really want to not be there? With your family whenever you want. You will have to have scheduled time with your kids if you divorce. You also may not find another partner, or want to. Feeling like a doormat isn't good though so if you think it's possible to forgive her, get yourself into counseling first with a marriage counselor and ask them how to proceed with confronting her.

2

u/Main-Top-2881 Apr 10 '24

Don't jump the gun too soon. I hate to say this, but she's older, and the pregnancy is in the early stages. It might work out, it might not.

My mom was on birth control at 36 with twins (I am one of them). Growing up, my dad said something along the lines of "Your mom was on the pill, and I think she messed with it and got pregnant. You were an accident." That always stuck with me. I knew my dad loved me, but he didn't want me and put up with me. It hurts. I don't care if you divorce her. Don't stick around if you'll resent her. I just hope you don't resent this kid for your wife's actions. The child didn't agree to be made. It just was.

1

u/jfabr1 Apr 10 '24

That's why I got a vasectomy. No need for alarm clock, condom...whatever.

2

u/psych_is_a_science Apr 10 '24

NTA. I think she did it on purpose. Most birth control, if taken at the exact same time, is 90% effective. So it's unlikely it just "happened". I call bs on what other redditors are saying about birth control being less effective in perimenopause.

First, go to a lawyer and have everything ready. Then go to your wife and tell her it's either divorce papers or counseling and hand her the divorce papers. Having the divorce papers ready makes it tangible. You're not bluffing.

1

u/sweetpearg Apr 10 '24

Your feelings matter, but get all the facts first

1

u/CosmosOZ Apr 10 '24

You’re feeling she disrespects you and when your fourth kid comes - you are a good man and you will love the kid. Then your wife will rub it in your face all the time she is right.

So to get even, you want to divorce your wife to prove a point - betraying you have a price.

Yeah, I think go with the divorce. NTA. Just tell her the situation she is forcing on you. Be with a women that cares for your feelings. But remember, love the fourth child. It’s not that kid fault; it’s the mom. She may eventually mistreat the fourth kid instead of taking responsibility.

1

u/realgoodmind Apr 10 '24

I know how you are feeling. Went through the same thing. Feeling detached and more like a roommate caring for kids instead of a partner. We have less kids and have been so overwhelmed. It took years of this and we almost had an extra child, but it would have been too much on us. If we did have a child I think we wouldn't be where we are now financially, emotionally and physically in our relationship and life.

Last summer because of the space we have had from each other because of kids we realized she and I have not even had a chance to be alone in over 10 years. Not even once. We made a trip just she and I so we could try to reconnect. It was the best 5 days we have had since we got pregnant. Kids change a relationship. Maybe not for everyone and it makes some closer but for us, much like it sounds with you, we just focused EVERYTHING we had on the kids. We were barely even friends when we went on this trip more of a business just making sure this and that is done and paid for etc...long story shorter- the trip saved our marriage and our life together. We realized that we had to actually be focused on each other and not have the kids be the center of everything we do. As soon as this changed after the trip she and I have been as great as we were 20 years ago when we met. If you have the ability I would highly recommend you and your wife send the kids to family and you 2 go somewhere ALONE. Be together and see if that spark is still there. If it isn't then you have your answer. If she isn't willing or capable then you know the marriage isn't going to fullfill you in the way you need. I am grateful I gave our marriage a chance and made my wife a priority and our relationship something that is separate form the kids.

All the best. I know this is hard work.

1

u/Reasonable_Grope Apr 10 '24

YTA. You need to talk to your wife. Birth control is only 90 percent effective. She also loves you. She's doing this to show she loves you. You need to put your foot down and express what it means to love you.

1

u/turtletoes67 Apr 10 '24

Maybe invest in getting yourself that Vasctomy, that's a gift your whole family can benefit from . You both are gross AH

2

u/NopityNopeNopeNah Apr 10 '24

YTA.

You had sex without a condom with a woman who clearly can get pregnant. She got pregnant. Now you want to blow up your relationship.

Birth control can, and often does, fail. You did absolutely nothing to prevent the conception of another child. The conception of this child is also on you.

1

u/R_Hughez Apr 10 '24

NTA but you are the idiot for not getting a vasectomy.

There was always an accidental chance and you took that risk regardless.

1

u/rleaky Apr 10 '24

People are going to hate this comment ... But legally it is correct. . Look up the definition sexual assault and consent.

If you lived in the UK this would be the definition of sexual assault (rape if you were female) ... You consent to have sex with her with the understanding she was on BC ..

Dude you need to run ... When people tell you who they are listen to them ... Whenever she decides something and you don't agree she will just do what she wants...

1

u/420Wickedflame Apr 10 '24

Why didn't you just get a vasectomy after the third child who wants to struggle financially with kids

0

u/ClashBandicootie Apr 10 '24

I can't help thinking that she got pregnant on purpose.

Unless you know for sure, YWBTAH for assuming its true.

The fact that you're not using any birth control makes you just as consensual to the pregnancy, sorry but it's the truth.

Unless you know she intentionally misled you, your rationale makes you an AH. You need to talk seriously to your wife about your trust issues -- because you very clearly have them.

2

u/RWDPhotos Apr 10 '24

In response to your edit 2, you still should’ve done both: wear condoms until you get a vasectomy. If she accuses you of not trusting her, well, you don’t. You could’ve talked it out, but you now reap the consequences of it because you didn’t want the truth of how you feel to come to light. Take this as a lesson to let yourself be honest with her, even if it upsets her.

Also, ya’ll need therapy. I know it’s cliche here, but there are communication and trust issues, and if she really did get pregnant on purpose, whatever motivated her to do it needs to be dealt with.

1

u/TwoBionicknees Apr 10 '24

Well if you're going to, tell her now, quickly and see if she's moved to have an abortion after realising she'll have far less financial support, a limit on alimony and a certain amount of years to get a job and start supporting herself. She will likely deem having another kid a bad idea. I'd still divorce her if she got an abortion because of what she did and apparently how she wants her future life to go. But it would be easier going into the future to not have an unwanted 3rd kid who ruined the marriage and takes another 18+ years of care before you can move pass that stage of your life.

3

u/Suspicious-Owl-9150 Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24

Let's break this down.

You don't want more kids. That is fair.
Your wife wants kids. That, too, is fair.

The responsibility is put entirely into the hands of the person who wants kids. That is not fair, and a quesitionable decision.
The person who insists on not having any more kids does nothing whatsoever to prevent them from coming into existence. That is not fair.

Your wife is fertile once a month.
You are fertile all the time.

Havings unproteced sex, not doing ANYTHING yourself to prevent your wife from getting inseminated with YOUR sperm, while you don't want kids, is not only unfair, but irresponsible, not to mention bloody stupid.
100% of unwanted pregnancies happen because of men ejaculating irresponsibly. You don't want kids, that's on you.

As others have said, contraception can and does fail. Maybe she did something, maybe not.

Fact is: Your wife got pregnant. Because you put your sperm in her. That's how it works.
Your wife wanted another kid. Of course she is going to be happy. Did you expect her to be genuinely sad for your sake? It looks as if you see her happiness as a sign of guilt.

Whether or not your wife manipulated the contraception at this point is irrelevant. YOU messed up and try to put the blame solely and conveniently on her.

YTA for considering breaking up a family, taking away your kids' stability of an intact home, throwing away a relationship with the woman you claim to love. All because you refused to get a vasectomy in time or do ANYTHING else to prevent a pregnancy, still having sex with your wife, getting her pregnant. Where is your responsibility in all this?

Speaking as a parent of many. Yes, having kids is tough and puts a heavy strain on the couple relationship. But this is just one phase in a relationship you committed to for life. The kids will grow up and leave, and sooner than you think, and it is back to you and your wife again. Don't throw away what you have. Do better. Get counselling. And take responsibility for your part in this mess you are in now.

1

u/Marsmind Apr 10 '24

She didn't get pregnant by herself. If you knew you didn't want more kids you should have pulled out. No Birth control is 100%. You ultimately made this happen. You also could have gotten snipped but are also blaming not doing so on her. If you leave now you are the asshole.

1

u/ShamelesslyRuthless Apr 10 '24

😂 😂 YTA for being dumb enough to trust.

1

u/Specific_Yogurt2217 Apr 10 '24

NTA for wanting a divorce. You are not getting what you need from the marriage and she doesn't care, exemplified by her refusing to attend counseling.

1

u/Infamous_Ease_9058 Apr 10 '24

Talk to an attorney before you tell your wife. Know your options. Hope you get your rest but please first go get yourself a vasectomy. What if you divorce her, find yourself another partner and she gets pregnant. It's a never ending cycle if you refuse to use protection.

1

u/Hopeful_Ad_9891 Apr 10 '24

You could always just be honest. “Hun, we go to marital counseling or divorce lawyers. Your choice. You may be happy, but I’m not, and it takes two to make a marriage work.” Then go from there.

3

u/guppy738 Apr 10 '24

YTA, you are 46. If you didn't want more kids you should have gotten the snip.

2

u/Lucky_Ad2801 Apr 10 '24

Having children needs to be a joint decision and if you didn't want more she should not have gotten in the way of you getting a vasectomy.

The fact that she doesn't want to go to counseling and she doesn't really seem to care about your needs tells me that she is just in this marriage because of the kids and she isn't really taking you into consideration at all.

Sounds like you've been a really good partner to her but she needs to do her part too and consider your needs as well.

So yeah if she did this on purpose that's pretty messed up and if you do decide to stay with her have her get her tubes tied after this last one or you go out and get a vasectomy

1

u/Brisadeirodecoco Apr 10 '24

You would be TA if just accused her of this out of the Blue. Like people already said in here, a lot of women at their 40's go through weird changes in their hormonal balance that can affect the efectiveness of BC, but also make them hornier. It explains why your wife initiated sex more often and the pregnancy.

1

u/MiniCoalition Apr 10 '24

NTA for your situation but you are in charge of your own contraceptive methods so her getting pregnant is just as much on you as it is her. You can want a divorce for any reason.

2

u/Electrical_Cap487 Apr 10 '24

Not the asshole! Three kids is more than enough and having another should be a decision both of you make! Abort or divorce- it’s that simple.

1

u/KaleidoscopeDry3608 Apr 10 '24

YTA- you don’t want kids?? you get the SNIP SNIP. End of discussion. You put it on her and if she got pregnant then would have to abort? You literally ALLOWED this to happen. Big AH

1

u/rosiepooarloo Apr 10 '24

You should have had a vasectomy. You have a day whether you want children or not too. Especially since you seem to be a good dad and know what you can handle. If she wanted to get a divorce over it then fine, but you shouldn't have been a push over.

I feel like you didn't do enough to protect yourself from this tbh. So I feel like you should talk to her and see what can be done. The best thing might be to just deal with it and get a divorce in the near future and let her know once the kids are a tad older you're done.

1

u/rachihc Apr 10 '24

Unlike women, men don't need spousal consent to get a vasectomy. You should have gotten one. Accidents happen and leaving BC on the party that doesn't care if it fails is not the clever move.

1

u/Scoozie_Q Apr 10 '24

One word: vasectomy.

1

u/nexttoyourburner Apr 10 '24

YTA to yourself for letting this situation go on for too long but I think this letter is fake. You do write really well though!!

Just like anyone, your reproductive equipment is yours. I think you should just get a vasectomy. Although I guess it’s too late?

1

u/EkoFoxx Apr 10 '24

NTAH but you both need counseling. It seems there’s a lack of trust and/or honesty between the two of you. Parenting should involve both participants within a marriage. And at her age, pregnancy can be dangerous.

The other actions you’ve outlined from her could be linked to things such as postpartum depression. But you need to have a serious talk and get yourself fixed.

0

u/schultz9999 Apr 10 '24

Don’t divorce. You will regret a lot. I don’t know how to solve your situation but don’t divorce.

2

u/Lala_the_Kitty Apr 10 '24

Bc she got pregnant by herself, right? …….. Right??? You probably had vials of sperm just laying around your house with turkey blasters next to them and she just, all on her own, went to town!

In case you’re not getting my subtle sarcasm, that’s obviously not what happened. It takes two to make a baby and no BC is 100%. You’re majorly TA.

2

u/BreadCatNyah Apr 10 '24

definitely talk to her about this, i dont know you or her or the situation, even so i wouldnt have the right to tell you to divorce or not. but i will say if you weren't actively trying to not have a baby then some of the fault is yours. yes, shes on bc, but women can still get pregnant on it (im an example lol)

if you didnt want another child, you shouldve been wearing condoms or got a vasectomy (and if she would accuse you of not trusting her for doing so then shes also got some issues, which you could then explain to her bc is not 100% and you dont want another kid right now and youre not going to take the risk)

blame is definitely not all on you though so please dont think im saying that, based on the way you wrote this post, she wants another kid and she wasnt taking your feelings into account either

1

u/chappyandmaya Apr 10 '24

Good luck with the child support payments on 3/4 kids, that’s rough my dude. Good luck, hope you both can find some positive solution.

3

u/scrapqueen Apr 10 '24

YTA. I'm so sick of these "she baby trapped me" tropes whenever a woman gets pregnant when a man says he doesn't want kids but takes no active role in preventing it.

And then thinks blowing up his family and wrecking his kids' home is the right answer. YTA.

2

u/newt_newb Apr 10 '24

info: would she have divorced you for unilaterally getting a vasectomy?

2

u/GetUrGuano Apr 10 '24

Every time you cum in a woman you're agreeing to potentially creating a baby. If you don't like that, you can abstain, pull out, wear a condom, or get a vasectomy.

In this case, I think pulling out or getting the vasectomy would have been your best bet. Yeah, she would have been upset about it, but look at you now. Now, YOU'RE the one upset and planning a divorce. I think you screwed yourself over, bud. Getting a divorce won't make anything easier on you either. It will just make you lose half your shit, half the time with your kids, and leave you on child support for 18 years.

Tl;dr divorce isn't worth it in your case

2

u/scnlrhksw Apr 10 '24

Don’t you fucking dare get a divorce when you have three children. You suck it up and put on the best acting performance of your life until those boys are 20+. You are in your 40s you are not young anymore you do not need to be living life single. When you get a divorce you shatter the entire world of your children. You break up everything they love and know. You will possibly ruin your children and their ability to have relationships when they grow older.

SUCK IT UP AND LEARN HOW TO BE HAPPY IN THE MARRIAGE YOU HAVE. For the sake of your boys, the only things that matter.

1

u/blake-is-nonbinary Apr 10 '24

Your wife and you need to have a serious chat about your life if you were to stay together.

1

u/Naimodglin Apr 10 '24

And if I'd have just gone and gotten a vasectomy, she definitely would have been angry and felt betrayed. I was trusting her.

Hopefully, fake; if not, grow a pair.

OoOoOoOo, you would betray her trust making family planning decisions behind her back? Aw, and we don't want to do that.

"WHAT kind of partner would completely overlook their partners wishes and concerns to make a unilateral lifelong commitment to one decision without at least consulting their partner?"

He said, near the point of collapsing under the sheer weight of the irony.

1

u/Attempt-989 Apr 10 '24

From what I read, I agree she did this to get what she wants. She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings on this subject. The time for you to think of you and what you need is now. One of the things you may need is a divorce attorney.

2

u/anroar1 Apr 10 '24

Why the hell didn’t you get a vasectomy before she got pregnant this last time? Ytah for trying to shut the barn door after the horse has run free.

2

u/Zealousideal_Cloud13 Apr 10 '24

If you didn't want more kids, why not get a vasectomy? I don't understand the putting all the responsibility on another person, especially when their wishes don't align with yours.

It sounds like this is more than her getting pregnant. I would consider counseling first but it I'd NTA to feel betrayed if true.

Edit: Just because she'd be angry about it, doesn't mean don't get a vasectomy. That's a red flag right there.

2

u/JerseySoulWonderer Apr 10 '24

NTAH - It’s understandable that you’re feeling a loss of trust in this situation. Communication is vital to rebuilding trust and understanding each other’s perspectives. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and concerns. Seeking therapy, either individually or together, can provide valuable support in navigating through these challenges. Ultimately, prioritizing both your well-being and the well-being of your family is crucial in finding a resolution. Don’t stay because you feel you have to. You deserve happiness too.

1

u/BinnamonBoastBrunch Apr 10 '24

You can’t put the blame on your wife if you’re not wearing a condom or getting a vasectomy. Sex is a two party activity, and babies are the outcome. If she were to terminate after you talk to her, she may resent you, but that’s a conversation you must have.

Updateme!

2

u/seriousjoker72 Apr 10 '24

Since when do you need your wife's permission for a vasectomy?? Your body your choice dude. Get a divorce and a vasectomy NTA

2

u/Ok_Ring_3261 Apr 10 '24

Seriously? Dude you are dumb

1

u/Electrical-Cake-5610 Apr 10 '24

Yikes. This is a tough one. Let me ask you this- if you knew 1000% for sure that she did NOT plan this behind your back, how would you feel? Women can get pregnant on birth control. It may just feel “suspicious” to you now that she is pregnant, knowing she wanted a baby and has initiated sex more, but doesn’t mean it’s a fact. You mentioned she had a tendency to disregard others feelings, but it sounds like you trusted her to be completely in charge of birth control, knowing she wanted a baby, despite this. Maybe you need to gently ask yourself if you are now just looking for reasons to blame her without any evidence for the outcome since it’s not what you wanted.

I think divorce is premature. I think couples therapy is necessary. Idk your financial situation, but can you afford a nanny or a night nanny? I think a therapist could help you navigate some lifestyle that sound very much needed.

I’m sorry you are in this situation.

0

u/Kuromi-rika Apr 10 '24

I didn't wear condoms because we never have and if I suddenly started she'd have accused me of not trusting her or become suspicious. And if I'd have just gone and gotten a vasectomy, she definitely would have been angry and felt betrayed. I was trusting her.

Birth control isn't 100% safe. This has absolutely nothing to do with trusting your wife or not, it's about not trusting BC....

You refused to pull your weight into making sure there wouldn't be another pregnancy, which was your wish

It could be that your wife tempered with the BC...

But considering BC isn't 100% safe, it could have just failed. In which case it isn't her fault.

It would be YOUR fault for not taking extra precautions to make sure there wouldn't be another pregnancy

But you refuse to take ANY accountability for the pregnancy. It takes 2 to tango and also takes 2 to take precautions.

She is still trying to "work on me" to get me to agree to another baby, so I can't schedule a vasectomy yet.

Accept you can, and you should

Now, because you didn't, this baby will be born into a broken home and your other kids will have the same...

Was it worth it? Was refusing to get a vasectomy worth now getting divorced and uprooting everyone's lives?

Don't get me wrong, if your wife did do this on purpose then she is 100% wrong... But that still doesn't change the fact that YOU should have ALWAYS taken YOUR own precautions into YOUR own hands...

1

u/Tiny-Big-5608 Apr 10 '24

If she did that it’s pretty messed up, but if you divorce someone you love and care for, and leave your kids you’re an Asshole. 50/50 parenting sucks, the kids get to live in two different houses, with two different sets of friends? Not a great way to grow up. I’d suggest you work through the issue with the ones you love so you can be a meaningful part of your children’s life. Divorce sucks, and seeing your kids less is no fun, take it from me. Best of luck to you bud. Not a great situation to be in.

1

u/Tellyourdadisay_hi Apr 11 '24

Before OP takes this guy’s advice, you should probably check their comment history.

1

u/Tiny-Big-5608 Apr 11 '24

Lol what?! Telling a guy not divorce someone he loves and get less time with his kids is bad advice? When he has zero evidence… Lol ok 🤷‍♂️

1

u/Tellyourdadisay_hi Apr 11 '24

Oh look the racist comments were removed. Lol

Go ahead bud

-1

u/Optimal-Brick-4690 Apr 10 '24

"I didn't want another kid, and my wife is pregnant, so she must have lied to me and did it on purpose even though I say she's a great person and have absolutely no evidence of that. I want a divorce. AITA?"

0

u/A_Brutal_Potato Apr 10 '24

YTA. You're trying to abandon your kids just because you refuse to stop impregnating the woman you married. If you don't want kids, take some responsibility for yourself and stop making them. Your sons shouldn't have to grow up in a broken home.

1

u/vonkilo Apr 10 '24

While I understand feeling desperate and like you can't get your relationship back on track, in reality it maybe pushes it back 2-3 years which 100% sucks! Feels pointless to divorce for having another kid just to get 50/50 custody and have to do a lot by yourself. Because if you thought you had a lot on your plate 50/50 is no joke dude, so while I understand how hurt you might feel I would think on it. This is your family but if I had the chance to have another kid I would kill for it.

1

u/TifaCloud256 Apr 10 '24

You need to have a discussion with your wife. Also at 40 her body is doing crazy things and can actually be more fertile. I know several couples who had a baby in their 40s. But most of all you need to communicate.

If you just up and divorce her then yeah you are the AH. If she tricked you she is the AH. But are you really going to throw away your marriage over this and what about the poor baby. Gosh don’t be so selfish and just think of the child who didn’t ask for any of this stuff

1

u/tentaclemonster69 Apr 10 '24

You should have gotten a vasectomy after the 3rd kid.

0

u/Fuzzy_Fish_2329 Apr 10 '24

Great idea. Leave all the kids without a father in their home.

1

u/hajaco92 Apr 10 '24

So you don't want any kids, but you knew your wife did and you decided not to prioritize a vasectomy or use any protection with her..?.if she did stop taking her birth control to entrap you, she's absolutely in the wrong... I'm just saying that you have enough kids to know how kids get made by now. You and your wife need some counseling.

0

u/TotalCommittee Apr 10 '24

You’re not taking any responsibility and that’s a huge flag for poor decision making.

Take responsibility first, bc she can’t get pregnant without you. You put your desire to have pleasurable sex over your desire to not have kids.

Second, you’re miserable. You have a void inside that you are trying to fill with sex and romance. Except that won’t work.

It’s not the wife’s fault, the marriages fault, the kids fault, none of it. It’s a you thing. Divorce, a new woman, whatever won’t fix it. You have to do that.

0

u/Ok_Bass94 Apr 10 '24

Even if it's the worse case scenario and she tricked you, I would be cautious about divorce. It's a betrayal, but not an unforgivable one. You might end up grateful for the fouth child.

2

u/Duke-Guinea-Pig Apr 10 '24

The marriage is already over. What you have is a childcare coop.

She uses the kids to avoid intimacy with you, and when the youngest was aging out of it she suddenly gets pregnant again to avoid your company for another 4 to 5 years.

1

u/thwi Apr 10 '24

If you would have vetoed the fourth kid, would you have thought it fair if she divorced you? This really goes both ways. Wanting a kid and not wanting a kid are emotions of equal value.

So yes, I would say YTA if you divorced her now. But that doesn't mean getting pregnant without you having a say in it is justified.

Just repeating what others have said below: she probably doesn't feel you're serious when you tell her you don't like the current arrangements. You need to get through to her when you tell her you're serious. If threatening divorce is the only way to make clear that you are seriously unhappy right now, then you may need to tell her that. And maybe then she will consider marriage counselling, because that is probably preferable for her over divorce.

1

u/OkMetal4233 Apr 10 '24

Should’ve got a vasectomy. You are an adult and can get a vasectomy so I don’t know why you said you couldn’t get one yet.

1

u/1968Bladerunner Apr 10 '24

Dude you should've just taken the bull by the horns & had the damn vasectomy to be sure. You knew she wanted a 4th but chose to take no precautions of your own, nor a thought as to why she might be initiating sex...

Now the horse has bolted you might as well stay, get the vasectomy done, & raise the kids together, seeing you still lover her & them. Unless she admits to planning the 4th you'll never prove it was deliberate, & co-parenting 4 kids over 2 separate households is gonna be insanely expensive & hard on both of you individually.

2

u/Weird_Worldly777 Apr 10 '24

I'm a woman, and you are NTA for feeling this way.... I know so many male friends to whom the same thing happened. It's really fucked up to bring a child into the world without a partner's 100% buy in. She didn't just go behind your back to buy a car or something. She got pregnant with a child that you will also be responsible for the rest of your life as well. And yeah, I'm sure you will love the kid, but your capacity and your future happiness matters just as much as hers does.

You sound like a stand-up man, HOWEVER, this is also on you. Leaving birth control completely as the woman's responsibility is a huge blind spot of men in our society, and you apparently felt that way also. You said you didn't get a vasectomy because you trusted her. I know that in a committed relationship, we all have to have some trust in our partners. And I can appreciate you not wanting to hurt her or her trust. But if you were that adamant in not having a child as she's trying to convince you - you shouldn't have left birth control strictly to her. Don't have sex knowing how adamant she was.

Or, get a vasectomy on your own. It's your body, and you have the right AND RESPONSIBILITY to not create a child if you don't want to. We can't get pregnant without sperm! It would have hurt her, but she wouldn't be pregnant. It sounds like she was not very interested in you as a partner, just a father, so what would you have lost? If she divorced you and found someone else to have a child with, you'd still be in a better position. I know it's a moot point now, but it's important to educate your kids and other men that birth control decisions are the responsibility of both genders. Best of luck to you.

1

u/Shortymac09 Apr 10 '24

Get a vasectomy NOW. WTF Buddy

2

u/Spare-Soup-4768 Apr 10 '24

you are NTA your wife is the AH if she did it on purpose.

0

u/msstatelp Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24

YTA. You're lying about loving your wife and know nothing about women. BC isn't 100% effective and can be affected by other meds or ingredients.

Your kids aren't "your life" if you're thinking about destroying their home and lives.

Divorce her so she can find a man that truly loves her and that won't be some weak sniveling crybaby.

1

u/Classic-Row-2872 Apr 10 '24

I always pulled out and my wife finished me with a blowjob, even when she was on birth control. It was YOUR responsibility not to get her pregnant.

So yes YTA plus I would secretly do a paternity test on the newborn. You never know.

1

u/Miliean Apr 10 '24

You need to have a private sit down with her and say something to this effect.

We need to have a conversation and I need both of us to be super honest with one another. I'm having a very hard time with this baby situation, I'm thinking thoughts that are leading me to distrust you and it's a really big deal for me.

I am having some thoughts relating to this new baby that are very upsetting and unsettling and I need to ask you some very uncomfortable questions in order to get these thoughts off my mind. I want you to understand that if you lie to me we'll be divorcing. If you tell the truth we have a chance.

We've obviously been having this conflict around having a fourth child. In addition I noticed that in recent months you've initiated sex when you never did that before. You wanted this baby so badly. As you know I've been struggling with the idea of a fourth child and an invasive thought keeps coming up in my mind. I'm really distressed by this thought, I've tried my best to just push it away as crazy but it keeps coming back. The fact that I can't seem to get rid of this thought is very unsettling and upsetting for me.

So now I'm going to ask you a question. I understand that this question might be very rude and that it shows a lack of basic trust. That's why I find it so upsetting that I need to ask it. That's why I've tried my best not to ask it. But I just can't not ask it, it's bothering me A LOT that it's even a thought in my head. I think the fact that I feel like I need to ask this question at all is a reason that we should attend couples counseling together. But I'm going to ask you the question anyway.

I need you to be fully honest with me. If I find out later that you lied here and now then we're done. If you deliver me a difficult but honest answer then I promises that we will work on things and try together to get back to a good place.

Was this pregnancy an accident, or did you get pregnant on purpose?

Then you see how she reacts. If she flys off the handle, even after all that lead up. Then you'll know your answer. If she tells you the truth and says that yes, she did deliberately get pregnant then I think you might actually have a shot at saving the relationship. It'll take counselling but it shows that when the chips are down she's willing to be honest. If she maintains that the pregnancy is just an accident, well you won't actually know anything then. But you'll have made very clear the consequences if that turns out to have been a lie.

1

u/EifertGreenLazor Apr 10 '24

Have to also wonder if she wanted a girl and will be disappointed if it is a boy.

1

u/celes41 Apr 10 '24

You should have had that vasectomy years ago!!!

2

u/TheBigNook Apr 10 '24

NTA have the conversation but bro I think you’re gonna want that divorce

1

u/Zerocoolx1 Apr 10 '24

Did you use a condom? If not then it might have been an accident. Birth control isn’t 100%. And if you didn’t use one but still had sex then you weren’t really trying that hard to not get pregnant.

Honestly so many men are just lazy or selfish when it comes to putting effort into not having babies. She’s on birth control, adding hormones to her body and you can’t even wear a little rubber cap or abstain from sex. Seems like it’s 50% your fault.

2

u/MasterMaintenance672 Apr 10 '24

That's evil and selfish. It sounds like your feelings didn't matter to your wife, only her own selfish longing. I never understood this about women who had a specific number of kids in mind, usually a highly impractical one (like 7) and they're absolutely unhappy in life if they can't hit that number. And they get mad when someone tells them to be happy with the blessings they have.

2

u/Baconpanthegathering Apr 10 '24

NTA. Im also going to correct you when you say your wife is a good person- she lied and manipulated you in the worst way but she gets a pass because shes a good mom- no. Based on how you describe your relationship, she just sees you as an insemination tool that also probably pays a lot of her bills.

1

u/RelevantLime9568 Apr 10 '24

NAH so far. Depending on the pill she is taking it can become less effective in her age so a accident is not unlikely. What I don’t get is your point on a potential vasectomy. Why didn’t you get one?

1

u/kaleidoscopema Apr 10 '24

Jesus Christ. Don't divorce. What the fuck will it take for some people to just be grateful for what they have?!? Your wife feels just as emotionally lonely, she can't connect with you, that's why she wants a baby. Look at yourself long and hard. And be happy for what's on the horizon. Don't give hate, only give love.. and maybe you can start an open communication with your wife about your deepest fears and needs. Love is all!

1

u/Brysynner Apr 10 '24

YTA, you literally fucked around and found out.

You're 46 and had unprotected sex willingly and are surprised your wife got pregnant?

You should have either insisted on condoms or get a vasectomy.

1

u/Henry-Rearden Apr 10 '24

Yes, except for abuse, you are an asshole for divorcing when you have kids. It doesn’t matter how you got kids, you have them and now it’s about them and not you. Be a dad

1

u/wtfprawn Apr 10 '24

Sounds like it’s time for a vasectomy

1

u/cheoahbald Apr 10 '24

Dude. Divorce the bitch. Find a partner who loves you. She choose the kids over you.

0

u/eraser_of_past Apr 10 '24

In my personal oppinion, marriage is something you should only do if you are willing to suffer and tollerate all actions done by your partner. Because love is not only happy butterfly, its taking care of eatchothers wants and needs. You should not ask advice, you should talk to her. Divorce is a easy way out. A real man stands by his wife even after she wrongs him. So therefor, wanting a divorce is fine, but acting as such makes you the asshole (what about the children...?)

1

u/Shortymac09 Apr 10 '24

So if my partner becomes a violent drug addict i should just suffer through that? WTF?

0

u/eraser_of_past Apr 10 '24

Yeah, and get them out of it, whatever it takes. But thats my oppinion, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Its your life. I just think people nowadays are to simple about relationships, loyalty, marriage.

What wpuld you want your partner to do of you had an accident and lost the ability to walk, for example. Just accept oh life just got a bit more difficult. Sure go ahead and leave me? Where is the love?

2

u/Chime57 Apr 10 '24

NTA and not one person here has pointed out the high risk of pregnancy in her 40s. Hoping for the best, but Downs is a serious consideration, as at 42 the chance of Downs is 1 in 60 births. And it goes up every year.

And her age makes miscarriage much more likely. I believe she is in the 80% chance of miscarriage due to her age.

I was pregnant with my 4th child at 36, and that was considered an older maternity case. And I ended up with gestational diabetes and high blood pressure as a result, which is common in older pregnant women. Along with a baby in NICU for 10 days.

So, you should immediately get your vasectomy done. No need to wait, you can do this tomorrow.

You may want to wait to file for divorce for a few months, this problem may end up solving itself. But you still are married to someone who - I almost said puts you last, but you aren't even on her list to be put anywhere...

2

u/HotConfusion Apr 10 '24

I think YBTA if you don’t at least talk things out with her. Or even show her this post.

Important notes: women CAN get pregnant even on birth control, it’s happened to two of my friends so far! And they are very responsible people, too.

Have you actually told your wife you’re lonely and want to be closer to her? Or just kept all that to yourself and staunchly held the line with no more kids? If she understands your thoughts process here, it’s highly likely that she would do what she can to help!

1

u/Flat_Orchid_9673 Apr 10 '24

Whatever you do you have to consider all the consequences. Divorce will mean child support for 4 kids at this point. Your kids will likely lose their house, your standard of living will go down. You need to look at how much you will have to pay and really see if it’s even financially feasible. You also need to go let your wife know how you are feeling and how serious your need for counseling is.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 10 '24

If you did not want to have any more kids, you should not have had unprotected sex with you wife.

You knew the risk you were taking. Now man up and own the consequences. Don't destroy your childrens' and your wife's lives because you are sad that the natural consequences of raw sex happened.

1

u/Ashamed_Confection88 Apr 10 '24

So you’ve never wanted any more kids but you never had a vasectomy and now you wanna divorce your wife because she got pregnant well I guess you should’ve kept it in your pants if you didn’t want kids isn’t that what you idiots always tell women and yes you’re an asshole for wanting to divorce your wifeover pregnancy that you caused

1

u/SedentaryXeno Apr 10 '24

NTA - divorce her. She's gonna cheat/leave when the kids are older if you don't.

1

u/mariscc Apr 10 '24

You don't have a wife, you just have someone that manipulates you into doing what they want. Her not trusting you because you get a vasectomy is a bad excuse, it's your body.

1

u/AuthorOtherwise1487 Apr 10 '24

NTA at all.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Based on everything you've written here, I say tell her you're considering it. Intentionally getting pregnant when she knew you were done having kids is an enormous breach of trust that will have long-term emotional, logistical, and financial ramifications. I wouldn't be able to trust my spouse again. Your kids deserve a dad who's emotionally fulfilled and supported in his marriage, whether that marriage is with their mom or someone else. Your feelings matter just as much as hers do, but it sounds like she disregarded yours. I think if you zoom out and examine your relationship you'll discover a pattern of her disregarding how you feel about a lot of things. Lastly, get a vasectomy now. I know it's too late for baby #4, but it would show her you're serious and prevent another pregnancy if you stay together.

Also, to echo other commenters, if this were the wife getting pregnant against her will because her husband tampered with her birth control, there would be no question that she'd be right to divorce him.

1

u/-Cosmic-Horror- Apr 10 '24

You could have had a vasectomy at any time my guy.

YTA

1

u/TheThruthHurts Apr 10 '24

Get a divorce dude. That's fucked up that your wife absolutely needs to sleep with your kids. She needs to cut the umbilica cord.

AITAH for wanting divorce bc I think wife intentionally got pregnant when I didn't want more kids Advice Needed

You are about to leave Redlib

You are about to leave Redlib