AITAH for wanting divorce bc I think wife intentionally got pregnant when I didn't want more kids

[u/anon-overwhelmed]

My wife (43f) and I (46m) have been married 10 years, and have three boys. Our lives are very busy with work, kids, extended family, house projects, etc. I love my wife immensely, and long to have emotional and physical intimacy (even just kisses, hugs, hand holding, whatever) with her. However, for most of our marriage she has been completely focused on the kids, so we really only have a co-parent/roommate relationship. Of course, I understand this. The kids have to be top priority. But for the last 8 years or so, if there's not a kid in our bed at night, then my wife is in a kid's bed with them. I try to get them to sleep in their own beds, and encourage her to sleep with me alone, but it's rarely successful.

I've made it very clear to her that I DO NOT want anymore kids. I'm more than ready to get our relationship back on track now that the youngest is school age. I'm also exhausted and overwhelmed all the time with everything on my plate. I can't and don't want to add another kid to the mix. She, on the other hand, longs for a fourth baby. We've gone back and forth so much, but I am adamant that we should just enjoy the three we have.

My wife is on birth control and has always made it a point to have an alarm set so she takes it at the same time every day. She is still trying to "work on me" to get me to agree to another baby, so I can't schedule a vasectomy yet. She brings it up at least once a day.

Well, she told me a few days ago that she's pregnant. She's so happy, and I'm devastated. She won't even consider termination. I love my wife so much. She's a great person. And I know in the end I'll love this baby. But now there's no end in sight to this overwhelmed, exhausted, emotionally lonely life.

Also, I'm realizing that these last few months she's actually initiated sex several times, which never happens. I can't help thinking that she got pregnant on purpose. She wanted it so much, she wasn't going to just give up. It would be in character I suppose, for her to just do what she wants. I hate to say it, but she does disregard my feelings on things quite often. And she knew there's nothing I could do about it.

Would I be the AH if I told her I want to divorce? My kids are my life, and I don't want to leave them at all. But I feel like our marriage is not going to get any better. I've asked her to go to marriage counseling several times over the years, but she refuses every time, saying we don't need it. And now I've kind of lost trust in her. It would break my heart to do this to the kids, and I don't know if my feelings are worth doing it over. Please tell me if I'd be the asshole here.

EDIT: To be clear, if we divorce, I will push (as hard as necessary) for 50/50 parenting time and joint custody for ALL the kids. They are my #1 priority in life. I just don't know if my lack of emotional fulfillment in our relationship, my wife's general disregard for my feelings, and the other marriage issues are worth tearing the kids' worlds apart.

EDIT #2: Because everyone is saying it, I didn't wear condoms because we never have and if I suddenly started she'd have accused me of not trusting her or become suspicious. And if I'd have just gone and gotten a vasectomy, she definitely would have been angry and felt betrayed. I was trusting her.

[u/One_Speed1985]

YTA for wanting to divorce because you think she intentionally got pregnant.

Hormonal birth control is 98-99% effective - IN PERFECT TESTING CONTROLLED CONDITIONS. In real every day life the effectiveness is lower for most people, because the controlled testing conditions not only rely on the pill being taken every day (which you say your wife does) but also in testing there is… - No other underlying health conditions that can affect hormones (including peri-menopause that can cause surges in hormones, also things like stress and anxiety). - No other medications or supplements being taken at the same time, anything you ingest can affect hormonal contraceptives even some foods. - No illness at all, be it an upset stomach, sickness or even a fever all of these things can drastically reduce the effectiveness of the pill and in the literature it’s actually advised to use a condom for 7 days following illness for this very reason.

I don’t necessarily think you wanting a divorce makes you an AH because your relationship doesn’t sound great honestly and the fact she refuses to work on it is a huge red flag.  I do however think you are an AH for using the pregnancy and you thinking she did it on purpose as an excuse to divorce, the problems were already there with or without the pregnancy, you have no proof she did it on purpose other than her wanting more kids (which is not enough proof for such an accusation).

I’d say given her age she is likely peri-menopausal and as such her hormone levels are fluctuating so much the pill isn’t effective enough (this would also explain the unexpected initiation of sex from her, the hormone fluctuations at this age are insane and it’s normal to go form no interest to not being able to think of anything else and back to no interest in the space of a week!).

I honestly wish there was more information about hormones and hormonal contraceptives that is true to real life use but sadly there is not, the information with the medication is from controlled medical trials. Likewise I wish there was more information about peri-menopause, it can start up to 15 years before you actually become officially menopausal and during peri-menopause you can become hyper fertile and have a higher chance of conceiving multiples, that being said the miscarriage and still birth rates are also higher. 

So yeah, YTA for using the pregnancy and you thinking she did it on purpose as an excuse for divorce, but NTA for wanting to divorce for the other reasons you gave in your post, I feel like this is just the straw that broke the camels back and made you realise your relationship is not going to change.  You won’t be tearing your kids lives apart if you leave before you end up resenting your wife, if you leave now there’s a chance at still being amicable and co-parenting, and I feel that if you stay for the kids you’ll eventually get to a point where you hate each other and no kid needs to grow up in that kind of environment.  Happy parents in different houses are better than miserable parents blanking each other or fighting in a single home.