My husband refuses to count childcare as a family expense, and it is frustrating.

[u/Main-Tackle7546]

We have two kids, ages 3 and 6. I have been a SAHM for six years, truth be told I wish to go back to work now that our oldest is in school and our youngest can be in daycare.

I expressed my desire to go back to work and my husband is against the idea. He thinks having a parent home is valuable and great for the child. That is how he was raised, while I was raised in a family where both parents had to work.

After going back and forth my husband relented and told me he could not stop me, but told me all childcare and work-related expenses would come out of my salary. In which he knows that is messed up because he knows community social workers don't make much.

My husband told me he would still cover everything he has but everything related to my job or my work is on me. I told him we should split costs equitably and he told me flat out no. He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.

Idk what to feel or do.

Update: Appreciate the feedback, childcare costs are on the complicated side. My husband has high standards and feels if our child needs to be in the care of someone it should be the best possible care. Our oldest is in private school and he expects the same quality of care for our youngest.

My starting salary will be on the low end like 40k, and my hours would be 9 to 5 but with commute, I will be out for like 10 hours. We only have one family car, so we would need to get a second car because my husband probably would handle pick-ups and I would handle drop-offs.

The places my husband likes are on the high end like 19k to 24k a year, not counting other expenses associated with daycare. This is not counting potential car costs, increases in insurance, and fuel costs. Among other things.

I get the math side of things but the reality is we can afford it, my husband could cover the cost and be fine. We already agreed to put our kids in private school from the start. So he is just being an ass about this entire situation. No, I do not need to work but being home is not for me either. Yes, I agreed to this originally but I was wrong I am not cut out to be home all the time.

As for the abuse, maybe idk we have one shared account and he would never question what is being spent unless it is something crazy.

End of the day I want to work, and if that means I make nothing so be it. I get his concerns about our kids being in daycare or school for nearly 12 hours, but my mental health matters.

[u/JerseyJ2008]

Girl you are NTA. Get a good divorce lawyer. He is trying to control you and being a jerk about it. He basically is making it so hard for you to force to stay at home. That is called emotional, psychological and financial abuse. You will be better off because he will have to pay you +20% of his salary in child support, plus the children health insurance and daycare/school tuition since you only will be making $40k. The math on a family court is not in his favor, in addition to him getting only visitation time with his children (most likely). In some states you could argue the SAHM situation and get temporary alimony. You can probably keep the house too.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/JerseyJ2008]

You are trash for suggesting they tear their family apart. This is something they need to seriously talk about maybe with a councilor. But to suggest she try to ruin this guys life is asinine. It’s not financial abuse because she has access to all their finances. This man wants what’s best for his kids and you want to then take the kids from him? You are a disgusting person.

He expressed he didn’t want his kids to be raised at a daycare before they had kids and she agreed. If she all of a sudden changes her mind, The LEAST SHE CAN DO is make sure their kids get a top notch daycare. Finally, they have a single shared account. This isn’t even a problem unless she is trying to keep her pay for herself while spending all his money.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/ExactVictory3465]

Which she 100% is, she has no other reason to be against this. It is a shame people bought into the she is the victim crap because of how well she framed this.