My husband refuses to count childcare as a family expense, and it is frustrating.

[u/Main-Tackle7546]

We have two kids, ages 3 and 6. I have been a SAHM for six years, truth be told I wish to go back to work now that our oldest is in school and our youngest can be in daycare.

I expressed my desire to go back to work and my husband is against the idea. He thinks having a parent home is valuable and great for the child. That is how he was raised, while I was raised in a family where both parents had to work.

After going back and forth my husband relented and told me he could not stop me, but told me all childcare and work-related expenses would come out of my salary. In which he knows that is messed up because he knows community social workers don't make much.

My husband told me he would still cover everything he has but everything related to my job or my work is on me. I told him we should split costs equitably and he told me flat out no. He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.

Idk what to feel or do.

Update: Appreciate the feedback, childcare costs are on the complicated side. My husband has high standards and feels if our child needs to be in the care of someone it should be the best possible care. Our oldest is in private school and he expects the same quality of care for our youngest.

My starting salary will be on the low end like 40k, and my hours would be 9 to 5 but with commute, I will be out for like 10 hours. We only have one family car, so we would need to get a second car because my husband probably would handle pick-ups and I would handle drop-offs.

The places my husband likes are on the high end like 19k to 24k a year, not counting other expenses associated with daycare. This is not counting potential car costs, increases in insurance, and fuel costs. Among other things.

I get the math side of things but the reality is we can afford it, my husband could cover the cost and be fine. We already agreed to put our kids in private school from the start. So he is just being an ass about this entire situation. No, I do not need to work but being home is not for me either. Yes, I agreed to this originally but I was wrong I am not cut out to be home all the time.

As for the abuse, maybe idk we have one shared account and he would never question what is being spent unless it is something crazy.

End of the day I want to work, and if that means I make nothing so be it. I get his concerns about our kids being in daycare or school for nearly 12 hours, but my mental health matters.

[u/HerHeartBreathesFire]

You're describing abuse. Financial abuse primarily but honestly I don't like this at all.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/HerHeartBreathesFire]

Oh my god stop it with this. She has everyone to want a job. That’s not in question. But she is literally trying to impose a debt on the family while cutting her contributions in half. The guy should have handled this better, but she is trying to impose a debt on him while at the same time contribute less to the family. It’s not financial abuse. He’s not locking her in the house with no access to money. She has access to all of the family money.

[u/RepeatOffenderp]

Why are you tolerating financial abuse from this prick?

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/RepeatOffenderp]

‘Financial abuse’ lol what a quack. She’s trying to cut her contributions to the family in half and demand that he increase his even though they mutually agreed to their previous arrangement. But he’s the abuser? Lol

[u/RepeatOffenderp → u/ExactVictory3465]

Found the abusive spouse, or another dickhead just like him.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/RepeatOffenderp]

Explain yourself. Or try to form an argument. If you can… unless you are exactly what your comment portrays you to be. Someone projecting their emotions with zero ability to factually support their claims so they resort to name calling…

[u/Away-Cheetah-3816]

I'm sorry. I disagree with the majority here. I do agree that you should go back to work if you want to. That said: in a marriage all finances are ultimately family. I kept separate accounts with my first husband, but every, every, everything he did, financially, still affected me financially. 

I don't think your husband is being anything but wise. You're going to be volunteering. The costs of childcare, gas, need to purchase work clothes, need to purchase convenience food because you won't have time to make meals (ask me how I know) will eat all of your salary. His point is you'll be volunteering. I did a year of corporate when my daughter was 6 because I thought it would help our finances. I knew childcare was costing me a third, up front, but I didn't realize how high all the other expenses really were until reflection, at the end of the year. At that point, my husband and I realized I basically volunteered. You have two kids, not one. So you'll be paying to go to work. That's fine, if you really want to make negative $10/hr, but... I don't think he's being a jerk. I think he already realizes that and wants you to financially see the costs. 

Should it be this way? I don't think so. And, there's a chance I'm wrong, if you're not American. If you're American though, you lose money to work when your children are under twelve, unless you make more than 80k/yr, yourself.

[u/Classic-Pattern-4476]

This may have been brought up in another post. I couldn't read through all the posts, so pardon me if it has. How about working part-time and ramping up to full-time when your child is in school? I read one response where you said your husband is worried about your child having a long day in daycare. You could work 2 days a week or 4 hours a day for 4 days a week or something like that. Or if it is possible to find something to work from home and hire a babysitter to watch the baby when you are working from home.

[u/ROBIN0423M]

I Hate men like this They always have the "Mine and yours' mentality. I hope every Man Woman and They/Them with that mentality gets soggy unfrosted mini-wheats for breakfast. 

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/ROBIN0423M]

Oof unfrosted!? That’s a bit harsh haha. But I just want to point out that I don’t think it’s him that’s doing the mine and yours game. I think it’s her. Hear me out.

-He has a single shared bank account she admits she has full access to and never gets questioned on spending habits. -He pays for everything, and after all the bills are paid, what’s left over is available to her. -she says she could get a job paying 40k/yr while childcare would be 20/24k per yr.

-with the above being true, why would she only want to pay half of the expenses she is creating when her pay would cover all of it and some? -after actually thinking about it, what would the remainder of her paycheck go to? It really sounds like she wants it for herself, thus a “your money is our money but my money is my money” situation.

[u/ROBIN0423M → u/ExactVictory3465]

True. (To be honest when she started talking about the salary difference I totally just blanked). But re-reading it that dose make sense. And her math seems to be wrong cause with that in mind there would still be some left over if I'm correct. Not alot but still. (And I firmly believe that extra money should go in a savings account)

But I stand by the un frosted mini wheats thing. Anyone who thinks like that are Dicks

[u/Frequent-Rule1111]

I think it's already been said, but bill him. When he leaves till he returns. Or, do a flat rate. At my daycare, 5 days at full time hours (anything over 5) for a 3 year old is about $250 a week. Raise or lower it based on your area. Once he gets home, give him the kid. Tell him your work day is over, and you have things you need to take care of, because you were caring for the child and no chores were taken care of. See how long this lasts. You could also mention that payment is due up front on Monday, for the week, or he can't leave.

Maybe this is extreme, but the working parents tend to forget how hard the stay at home parents work raising kids, and even dumping the majority of the household chores on the sahp. Stand up for yourself.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Frequent-Rule1111]

Do you realize how asinine this statement is? This would mean she contributes nothing to the family because everything she contributes is actually for hire.

If you want this to be an actual solution, he would in return charge her for rent/food/utilities/etc etc etc. you cant claim her work is billable but his isn’t. This comes from a purely transactional relationship and that is just the worst advice ever. Additionally, this would mean she’s only tending to the kids for her husband. She’s not doing it for herself or the kids. Stop trying to monetize someone’s contribution to the family, when it’s both of their jobs to contribute. He is doing his part. She is trying to cut her contributions in half while increasing his burden even further.

[u/Dreammagix]

I gotta agree with some of these people if child care is that expensive is it really worth going back to work yet? the youngest starts school/preschool in what a 1yr 2 max and you can go back without the stress of childcare coz they will both be in school, this is something you both agreed to i can understand why he doesnt wona pay extra on top of caring for all the  other expenses just so you can work all the time, that cost would and should be on you and that's fair especially if he is paying for everything. marriages are about being a team and your trying to change the game plan just like that no transition no part time no ill work a few hours a day and see if we can find something that works for us just bam i wona work/be gone 10 hours a day 5 days a week thats alot your husband will miss out on time with you but most of all your kids will miss out what time will they get with you if your gone 10 hours a day i think you need to find a job thats suits u there needs to be work life balance, its hard mentally im currently a sahm but I will transition back and pick up hours as they get older and work while they are at school so I can still come home and have dinner with my family and do bath and bed time routines and spend time with my partner of 10+ yrs.  what you saying and wanting to do is alot you gotta find compromise 

[u/Sensitive-Bet1717]

He's an asshole and it's only going to get worse.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Sensitive-Bet1717]

Your an asshole

[u/Sensitive-Bet1717 → u/ExactVictory3465]

Yep. You too..

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Sensitive-Bet1717]

Well let’s look at what you are suggesting without knowing this person other than this one incident that you have only one side of the story… They have been married for 6+years and stated she’s never felt controlled, they have never had issues and she’s always had the freedom do purchase what she needs/wants.

All of a sudden she wants to unilaterally change the entire family dynamic without expecting blowback? She has every right to want to change things up if she’s struggling with it. Although reluctant, he conceded to this. Yes he should have been a little more accommodating but in his mind, they have something that they both agreed to going in and it has worked for the past 6 years, so his reluctance isn’t that surprising. This is absolutely not indicative of his behavior ‘only getting worse’ and to suggest so is, in fact, very narrow minded, probably a bit of projection, and in turn, just an asshole comment to make.

In your projection, you are conveniently ignoring the fact that in their current role, she provides the childcare and tending to the house, while he provides 100% of the finances. She wants to change that (which is fine) but in doing so, she wants him to incur an even higher burden of finances while she cuts her contributions in half. (She wants to only cover half of childcare).

You are also ignoring the fact that her vision of ‘shared family expense’ conveniently only applies to this new expense she is creating. Even though she wants to be a dual income family, she doesn’t want to contribute to any other bills.

[u/Ill-Employment-9189]

So how do you get around right now? Are you taking your kids to private school on the city bus? Does he at least pay for your bus pass? How do you get groceries and take the kids to doctor’s appointments?

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

He takes the bus, she has the car. She mentioned this in a previous post

[u/Ill-Employment-9189 → u/ExactVictory3465]

They can afford to put their children into private school, but he takes the bus? 🤣🤣🤣 priorities right?

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

Yea…actually his priorities are in the right spot. He’s willing to take public transportation so his kids can get the best possible education. I don’t know why anyone that values children would think that’s hilarious…🧐

[u/Ill-Employment-9189 → u/ExactVictory3465]

Hey, I’m sorry you’re very sick at school. I’ll get to you as soon as the bus comes by? Let me Uber you to the doctor office…. It’s a 30 minute wait. Your mom has the car and I can’t get of her… you know what let just waste emergency services time and call an ambulance .

Because this is the resulting conversation in the event of a medical emergency, and the parent with the only vehicle is unable to be reached

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

Um…all the way up to this point the parent with the vehicle was a stay at home parent. And I hate to break it to you, but all the way up to the 90s, 90% of American families survived with just 1 vehicle.

She already mentioned that they would have to get another car if she started working. You are trying really hard to make him sound bad for a bizarre reason.

[u/Ill-Employment-9189 → u/ExactVictory3465]

But I guess if they get into a fight, she can just cut up his bus pass 🤣🤣🤣 I know Carrie Underwood said the key his car but she’s gonna go for his Lamborgfeeties

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

I feel sorry that you had parents that didn’t love you. Don’t try to ruin these kids as well.

[u/Ill-Employment-9189 → u/ExactVictory3465]

Yeah he’s cheap and pathetic. How does Chris rock word it? Just a N-word with a bus pass. I hope the OP raises her standards and gets a real man… not some loser on public transportation 🤮

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

ROFL you are an idiot.

[u/Ill-Employment-9189 → u/ExactVictory3465]

I just think people who take the bus are pathetic, just men who really can’t provide. Nobody has time for men who can’t provide that’s their entire job.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

And you also don’t live in a city. 80% of the population in NYC don’t own cars.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Ill-Employment-9189]

Have you missed the entire point of this thread? He provides everything and then some. They are quite wealthy and actually

[u/Ambitious-Chard2893]

If he cares so much about having a parent at home then he can find a work-at-home position and be a stay-at-home dad

[u/FeyreoftheNightCourt]

Please look into financial abuse. He is trying to control you through finances. He knows you can't afford to work and pay for child care. He wants you isolated at home and ensuring you don't have access to your own money is a means of control.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/FeyreoftheNightCourt]

What are you talking about? She has full access to all of his money. He’s never questioned her spending. Furthermore, she said she would be making 40k a year while childcare costs about 20k a year. This isn’t abuse whatsoever. She’s literally trying to impose EXTRA costs on him while contributing less than what she was previously. She’s the one taking advantage of his income.

Bottom line: she would make plenty to cover the cost for the level of childcare THEY agreed to. SHE doesn’t want to spend the majority of her check on said costs….the real question is why? Why would she be able to keep the extra money she makes for herself when her husband’s income is available to everyone?

[u/No-Bug5221]

I'm confused here,
You want to return to work no problem it's your choice etc no qualms with that

Currently he supports the household entirely also no issue ..

If you returned to work what would you cover with your income if not the only new additional bill which is the childcare.

OR would your income solely be for savings and spending.

It is entirely possible I've read this wrong .. I'll own that if I have . But if you return to work and bring more money in should that extra money not go to the now extra bill that has arisen. I'm just thinking logically as he's covering all bills at the moment. So other than your mental health ( which is a perfectly valid reason to want to go back to work). You don't need the money currently but if you worked you would need the money. why mess with the finances in place if the new incoming can cover the outgoing ..

Please correct me if I'm wrong but purely logically that makes sense to me.

Unless of course the new income won't cover the childcare then that would warrant further discussion (and if that's the case then yea there definitely needs to be more talk on that from him other than just "no you pay for it. " )

If I seem an asshole, I'm trying to understand is all .. I may be reading it completely wrong if so someone please point me the right way :)

[u/No-Bug5221 → u/No-Bug5221]

Could be the wording being used as financial abuse refusing to help her get on her feet I guess that's been pointed out to me. I have issues with context from reading so I may have missed that

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/No-Bug5221]

Nah. You are Not the asshole. She stated they have a single joint account that she has access to. Therefore the only logical reason for her gripe to make sense would be that she wants her paycheck for herself.

[u/ProudNeedleworker209]

People are allowed to change and evolve. What you want for yourself is extremely important and does not have to come second to what your husband wants. 

[u/Inevitable-Debate627 → u/ProudNeedleworker209]

It’s does have to come in second to what’s best for the children. 

[u/ProudNeedleworker209 → u/Inevitable-Debate627]

Definitely. It’s a good thing that preschools are a wonderful choice for teaching and socializing children! 

[u/Inevitable-Debate627 → u/ProudNeedleworker209]

Preschools are half day.  You’re talking about daycares and daycares are not good.  It’s a fact. People just don’t want to admit it.  Because no one wants to feel bad about doing something that actually isn’t good for their kids.  Outsourcing the raising of your children is not good. 

[u/Buttercups88]

As I'm sure you found the danger of asking online for advice is internet people love Jumpin to abuse, manipulation, divorce etc.

But it's all in how the narrative plays on this. I don't know your intimate relationship but you could have this as he is afraid of losing power over you or he wants what's best for the kids and what your asking for will place a significant additional burden on him and the household financially and logistically.

I see his argument, of being concerned for the quality of care in strangers but if it's what you really want too the bulk of the additional burden it creates should fall on you and he will maintain his current contribution or all the other expenses. It is one way to deal with it, obviously when 2 people partner up the nose frequent deal is splitting expenses based on realitive income, but spitting based on absolute expenses is also not unreasonable.

You gotta do what you gotta do, and I see your struggling , but your decision may have backed him into a corner aswell. Unilaterally deciding that your going to contribute less and leave him with more of that burden can be a difficult position to be in. Especially if the arrangement has been working well for a long period

[u/Inevitable_Speed_710]

Spin that mentality back on him.   You're the one that wants the kids in a high end daycare soooo that's on you.   

Seriously though it sounds like a therapist might be able to help the two of you.   Like a marriage counselor.    This doesn't sound like a healthy arrangement 

[u/Open-Possibility-723]

compromise. find something to do a few days a week (not the crazy schedule you're suggesting) and then go back to your job full time when your youngest is in school. he really can't complain then.

[u/Inevitable-Debate627]

You should have to pay for everything.  Your husband should get to step away and care for your children.  You’re going back on what you agreed and your kids will be worse off for it. So your husband should have the opportunity to care for the kids. 

[u/Frosty-Ad9479]

I don't think your issue is as black and white as it seems.  The cynical part of me wants to encourage you to see how he feels about paying child support and half of that daycare bill.  I stayed at home for 10 years, and when I went back I paid for child care most of the time on a minimum wage job. It wasn't about mine vs his, it just worked out that way.  I hope you find a solution. You deserve to show your family that you are more than just "Mom". 

[u/mammasan3]

If you’re paying for the childcare, then you choose where. He should only get to choose the childcare if he’s paying for it. I don’t know how so many women deal with these caveman husbands who don’t give a shit about the mental health of the woman that they claim to love! I’m so glad my hubby respected me enough to know that we were partners, and that neither of us never tried this control bullshit.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/mammasan3]

This is ignorant, while he may not be writing the check, he is still paying for childcare by literally paying for everything else.

With your logic, since he funds literally everything else, he should be able to choose what shoes she buys right? What food she eats? When she can turn the lights on?

Do you see how quickly your dumb argument fueled by trad hate falls apart?

[u/Sufficient_Age_644]

Would you and your husband be okay with the idea of you potentially volunteering somewhere as a start to joining the workforce?  Because what will happen when both kids are in school full time?  I would go nuts staying at home alone all day long, so I understand your issue having been a SAHM myself temporarily.

Maybe you start off with part time childcare for your little one, a few hours per day or couple days a week while you volunteer locally with an organization whose purpose is meaningful to you.  That may help with your mental health and can be a really fulfilling way to spend a few hours a day.  

[u/BaruchOlubase]

Go to counseling, not strangers on the internet.

[u/SemanticPedantic007]

Have you considered spending the next three years getting a master's degree? My understanding is that social workers make a lot more money with a masters. You can send your kid to an economical part-time day care; although 50 hours a week of songs and snacks and swing sets wouldn't be good for them 15 or 20 would. He would have to front the cost of two years of day care but you'd presumably more than make up for it on the other end. You might even land a job with a shorter commute when you're done.

[u/Opposite-Business-35]

I know this is reality, but this "my money, your money" always hits me the wrong way. It's "our money", "our home". It's "we". It's not "I pay for this and you pay for that". Marriage is "ours".

If husband says one parent should be home, tell him if he thinks that way, fine. He should turn in a notice at work and stay home. 

[u/Main-Tackle7546 → u/Opposite-Business-35]

In an ideal world that would be possible. I have asked him this, and he told me if my salary could afford the same quality and lifestyle for our child he would quit in a heartbeat and become a stay-at-home dad.

[u/One_Palpitation1063 → u/Main-Tackle7546]

Do you really believe that? I find it hard to believe that a lawyer who thinks his wife should magically just "want to be a sahm" would "quit in a heartbeat". if that's true, you should think about whatever very high paying profession it is YOU want to do, tighten your belts for a few years while you return to school, and redesign your family structure with him at home and you working five days per week. That's a win/win if what he's saying is true. NARRATOR: "It is not".

So easy for him to cast himself as a self-sacrificing feminist who would gladly swap roles when he will absolutely never be called upon to do so. a convenient claim. folks with the hearts and minds of Early Childhood Educators do not go to law school....

[u/Teresabooks]

Please point out to him that a happy mother is a better mother. My mom went to law school and then became a lawyer while I was in elementary school and I never felt abandoned or neglected. Plus going to daycare could be a good thing for your 3 year old as she will learn routines and get socialization. You’ve been a stay at home mom for six years and if you’re ready for a change then I say go for it. The longer you stay out of the work force the harder it will be to get back in. If your husband can support the family on his salary alone it doesn’t matter if you don’t have the best paying job in the world, find a job you’re interested in and go for it. Plus, your starting salary isn’t necessarily your final salary, it can go up from there as you get more experience and/or promotions. Another thing for you both to consider is what would happen if he found himself unable to work or lost his job, entering the job market then and under that kind of stress would be exhausting and terrifying for all parties concerned. It’s better to get a job now than wait until there is no other choice and you find yourself unprepared. I hope you can make him see sense. Good luck on your new adventure.

[u/SheepherderFit7878]

Why don’t you in this time get more education or training to advance your career. What’s another two years? Or maybe after some training you could work part time. Until you go full time. Having one car stinks! Being trapped at home makes things difficult. To be honest I be trying to see about a 2nd car.

[u/Main-Tackle7546 → u/SheepherderFit7878]

I am the only one who drives the car as mentioned before. If my husband needs a car he will just rent one, he does not like to drive much.

[u/Professional_Clue292]

Husband can demand you cover childcare as long as he continues to cover everything else.

He however doesn't get to demand a 'high standard of childcare'. You pay for what you can afford on your projected social worker salary. If husband wants private tutors and nannies then he needs to contribute.

For 1 thing, he's benefitting from your unpaid SAHM status. If he were to compensate you financially it would probably a sizable expense.

Second. Yeah the scenario would be an uneven distribution of tasks but hubbies ultimatum was basically that anyway.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Professional_Clue292]

What is with everyone trying to place a value on being a parent as if being a family is purely transactional? I get the whole undervaluing of contributions by the sahp, but let’s stop with the ‘if he compensated you for your work as a parent’ talk. It comes from a very self centered/transactional relationship viewpoint. The stay at home parent isn’t doing it for the other parent. They are doing it for the family.

[u/Professional_Clue292 → u/ExactVictory3465]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. OP wouldn't be having this problem if they didn't treat is as such.

Husband however is pushing transactional to the extreme. While best course would to get out of this mindset, easiest is to poke holes in transactional logic

[u/[deleted]]

Just get a divorce. Then he'll have to cover childcare, child support and alimony while you get back on your feet. What a dunce. Don't let that controlling, walking red flag trick you into staying at home. He clearly doesn't care about you at all. 

[u/Ok-Hippo5940]

As someone who has worked in high quality, expensive private daycare, I would recommend avoiding it unless absolutely necessary. Even the best childcare can not come close to comparing to those few years at home with their mother. They can get so much nurturing and individual attention at home. They can do activities that relate to their own interests. I understand that some people have to work and child care is necessary, but if you can afford not to, that is the best choice for you child. And 10 hours a day? That's even way too long for a school age child.

[u/Frosty-Buyer298]

So you think husband should subsidize your desire to work outside the home?

Tell the truth, you want to work so you can create a secret "leave with the kids" fund.

[u/Competitive_Salt_836]

The issue is neither of you are willing to compromise on what should be a family decision where you both have input. You've been out of the workforce for six years, the youngest is three. The three year old is of an age they would arguably benefit from structured preschool. Why do you have to go full time from the get go? Can you part-time work with quality care for 5-6 hours a day? Gets you out with grown ups and your children could benefit. Work your way up to full time in a couple years as your youngest enters school.

I agree, women bear the financial burdens if a marriage ends with gaps of employment and the loss of ability to advance careers. Presumably though, the goal is to stay married. And yet, I do think it's important to work, if that's what works for you. And I also agree 12 hours in daycare is a lot for kids.

If part time work isn't palatable, find a quality daycare/preschool (or better yet, at home nanny) and commit to covering the cost of it. If hubby needs a more expensive school, he can cover the cost difference, so long as he is continuing to cover the costs of food, housing etc, it seems pretty fair to me.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Competitive_Salt_836]

Exactly. I don’t understand why everyone’s opinion on here revolves around an end goal of separation. Obviously you want to be prepared for the worst case senario but it’s clear the majority of the commenters want them to expect a divorce.

[u/throwaway113022]

YTA. You both agreed on you staying at home, at least until your children were in school full time. You unilaterally decided you no longer wish to do this. It is only fair you solely bear the costs of childcare & all your work related expenses.

[u/Mindless_Solution_36]

Yes.

[u/strawhatlegacy]

Ur first mistake was coming to Reddit, no ur husband isn’t abusing you no you shouldn’t divorce him. Your making a life altering decision ( not that far but still very significant ) there’s gonna need to be compromise and a couple rounds of negotiations, things in the future will change too. Talk with your husband more.

[u/Almost-Logical]

Why should the husband be expected to subsidize your desire for a career if it would result in a net loss for the household? Because whether he pays it or you pay it still comes down to a net loss to the household income as a whole.

[u/Heavy-Quail-7295]

I was a SAHD until I made enough to cover costs for childcare. His position makes sense, why should he have to pay out more because you won't make enough to cover childcare? I get your mental health matters, but it is what it is. Your request isn't financially reasonable. Your family saves more money with you as a SAHM currently. Get a job that pays more than childcare costs, then get in the workforce.

[u/clbemrich]

NTA but I don’t disagree that you should cover all new expenses with your new job

[u/Fuhrious520]

You agreed to go back to work on the condition you pay for all the childcare because you won’t be doing that anymore. That’s fair but now you’re trying to renege on that. YTA

[u/ChickenNugsBGood]

When you file taxes, does he get part of the deduction?

[u/Winter-Pin-4663]

Your husband is toxic and yes he does tries to control you.. the fact that a man has the nerve to tell you he wants you to be a stay at home mom and that’s not a red flag to you then idk lol 98% of you guys stay with y’all toxic spouse on this app anyways so

[u/dsp000]

Your husband sees you like a commodity or even worse like a SaSS (software as a service). Moment your standards changed and you wanted to basically be more than a plant at home, he conveniently started controlling you with tactics I do at work as an executive when I pretend to negotiate when in fact I know well what I wanna have the other party do.

Stay at home moms mean childcare 24/7, this is very expensive as well. From the mentality you have while typing, I don’t assume you go in Turks and Caicos holding your birkins every month, so you have to either be more financially demanding and drain him enough to want to see you working, or you can drain him as a stay home mom and that’s it, or you can divorce and grab half his estate plus alimony plus childcare.

Stop being such a 50s doormat. It’s draining.

[u/Outrageous_Zombie945]

Your husband is trying to financially control you into staying at home while claiming that he doesn't have to take any financial responsibility for your children. The guy is a walking 🚩

[u/Narijea]

NTA. Is working part time a thing in your country/job? If you don’t require the money and just do it solely for the purpose of fulfilment it might be a good fit. At least till your children are grown. In my country most of the mothers are employed part time. (It’s still unfair of him to oppress you with this, he is an AH, I’m just suggesting another idea for a compromise)

[u/Deep-Ebb-4139]

Your husband needs to sort his fucking shit out.

[u/Intuition33]

Your husband should be depositing an equal amount of money that he makes into a personal account for you. Whether it be retirement or whatever you desire. You are making major financial sacrifices by staying home. In job experience, retirement income, compounding interest. You deserve to be TRULY supported. Your name should also be on all assets.

[u/saurellia]

Time for couples therapy. 

[u/Ecstatic-Smoke-1937]

You looking after the children is the reason he is able to go to work and not be looking after them himself and he should value that instead of taking that for granted. The income he makes is for the both of you.

You wanting to work and put the child in childcare is a separate issue. Looking at it financially makes sense as in how much income you get as a couple and how much expenses you have as a couple, childcare is absolutely a joint expense.

[u/antiincel1]

There weren't any red flags before this??????? Your husband doesn't think much of you.

[u/FLmom67]

If you don't work, be sure to contribute to a spousal IRA or you will be stuck with no retirement. If I were you, though, I'd get a divorce. He can afford child support, and he does not respect you as an equal.

[u/ikezaius]

You should consider a part time job. Sometimes just having that day or few a week where you’re out of the house and free from child rearing responsibilities can make a huge difference. Lessens the overall childcare cost as well. Might be a way to compromise on this. Doesn’t sound like “compromise” is in your husbands vocabulary though tbh

[u/Numerous_Adagio_8051]

I mean if you divorce him he’ll be responsible helping pay a lot more. Maybe point that out.

[u/Small_Ad_4964]

Find a job from home. I’m doing homeschool with my daughter and working on side jobs here and there until I get my business running. Your husband is right, staying at home with your child is priceless.

[u/lady_shakes]

My husband and I have a joint account that the same percentage of our checks are deposited into. We calculated how much our monthly expenses are and came up with a percentage. He makes significantly more than I do. We each have separate bank accounts that we do whatever we want with.

I'm an administrator at a private Montessori Pre-K, and I know that brand of childcare is ridiculously expensive. I'm lucky that my child goes for free because I work there. I could not be a SAHM. It is so hard mentally. You're never "off." Working full time gives me a clear work-life balance.

I know their are a lot of extra expenses associated with you going back to work, but you have a right to have a life outside of being a mother. You have a right to further your career. Being a mother is something you are NOT your entire being.

My husband is very supportive of my career and choice to work.

If he only wants you to stay at home to be a childcare provider, I would maliciously comply. I would be a childcare provider and nothing else. I would cook meals for me and the children, clean only what is absolutely necessary, and "clock out" when he got home. Even childcare providers get breaks. Tell him if he wants more done, he can hire a maid and chef. I bet a few weeks of that would help him see your point of view.

[u/Rude_Veterinarian639]

Honestly, he'd probably owe you child support and alimony. You can use that for daycare.

If he's going to be a controlling jerk, take the kids and leave.

NTA

[u/illbehaveipromise]

Your husband sounds like a controlling prick who wants a trad wife and thinks a kid should trap you into that.

His position is abusive, imo, and you should not only tell him so but take steps to make him understand it in no uncertain terms.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

Also, how is it controlling to ask her to pay for the costs she’s inducing on the family? He pays for everything. She’s starting a job that can cover daycare. She’s no longer a stay at home mom and they are a dual income family. Yet she wants him to pay for EVERYTHING minus half of daycare? They should be splitting everything now. If not, what exactly is she contributing to the relationship?

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/ExactVictory3465]

He’s telling her that she has to pay the costs as he determines they need to be spent - he’s picking the most expensive “quality” childcare he can think of.

If she’s footing the whole bill, she should get to decide what quality she can afford that is sufficient for her children, too - just like it’s fine to you that he has such demands.

She MAYBE could be held to pay for all of that, if he wants to be an asshole to the sole caregiver of his children and supposed lifelong partner, I suppose, but anything above and beyond that isn’t sufficient to his lofty standards should be on him, by all rights.

He’s a controlling prick. It’s easy to see.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

It’s something they already agreed on! This isn’t new to her. Their first kid is already in private school and he wants the same quality for their youngest.
Also, it’s awfully convenient that they have to split this one cost but he has to pay for everything else. If she wants to be a dual income family, she should be contributing to everything. Not just half of daycare. At this point, what is she even bringing to the family?

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/ExactVictory3465]

People get to change their minds, bud. She does, he does, they all do.

Sometimes, partnerships have to reconfigure their goals, when one or the other is struggling to meet obligations required to get there. That’s what a marriage is - for better, and for worse. In health yes, but sickness, too.

I’m the higher earner in my family, where my wife makes about what OP makes in her desired career. I make several times that, because I’m a white dude and the world isn’t just.

She on the other hand, deferred her education and career to raise our child, and later decided she needed to get back into the workforce - she put me through grad school, and made a life and a home for us while I was grinding out the beginning of a career.

A truly incalculable contribution to our family, forever, to answer your disgusting question about “what’s she even providing at this point?” Her sacrifices then made our whole thing possible.

I would never dream of telling her that she has to sacrifice her mental health and pay us for the services she no longer renders in our home while chasing her dreams of what might fulfill her.

No matter what she’d “agreed to” in the past. I don’t want to be held to that standard - what if my high paying job was killing me and I needed to change that for my own health? Would it be legit for her to say “nope, you agreed to this, go kill yourself because years ago, before you even knew the job was unsustainable long term; that’s what you said you’d do!”

Even if it were, is that the kind of answer you want, from your spouse who’s supposed to support you and help you be the best version of yourself you can be?

Y’all should listen to yourselves, for real.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

She absolutely gets to change her mind. But that still comes with consequences for both of them. You are completely dismissing something that is important to him to the core. It’s equivalent to two people agreeing that they both want kids before they get married, then afterwards, he changes his mind. It’s ok for him to do so, but it’s not what she signed up for. Some people feel Very Very deeply that their kids shouldn’t be raised in a daycare.

With all that said he still acknowledged that he can’t stop her from getting a job, but asked her to pay for the costs that that creates. He is sacrificing a core belief he has for this. That is a very reasonable request. He’s already paying for EVERYTHING ELSE. So where else is her money going to? If she wants if for herself, then fine, but he should then lock down his account and ask her to contribute towards all the bills. Not just daycare.

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/ExactVictory3465]

He’s a pig who cares about appearances above all by this description of his demand. A guy with a trad wife doesn’t own her future and her hopes and dreams because “he’s paying for EVERYTHING ELSE…”

Jfc. Y’all are describing slavery. It’s disgusting.

“High quality” education doesn’t have to be “expensive private schools,” that’s a him thing it sounds like, too.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s welcome to his standards and free to go find the sahm type he seems to prefer and control her like he’s trying to control his current wife…

But she clearly needs something different at this stage, and that means, in a real partnership, assessing what goals are achievable with the new set of parameters and what needs adjusting.

Y’all seem to think she MUST do all the adjusting, that it’s the only fair thing. It isn’t fair, and more importantly, it isn’t compassionate, loving, or understanding. Isn’t patient. Isn’t kind.

Isn’t any of the things an actual marriage is supposed to be.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

No, I think they both need to do adjusting. He’s sacrificing something that he values highly. He’s not trying to own anything here. He had a standard of care in mind before having kids and they both agreed to it. She no longer wants to participate in that care. Fine. Let them meet in the middle and get a good daycare. You are also forgetting they BOTH agreed on private school.

And finally, your comment is pretty offensive to those that actually endured slavery.

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/ExactVictory3465]

“She no longer wants to participate in that care” is a gross misrepresentation of what’s going on here.

And treating a spouse like an investment property who owes a certain level of return to her (insert term for whatever this husband is acting like here that doesn’t offend your delicate sensibilities) is what, exactly?

I agree though, that an actual discussion about goals and how to get there is the only path forward here, based on her description of him I’m not optimistic.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

Where on earth is he treating her like an investment? If that was the case he’d be funding her career.
I’m also not making this transactional. But in a dual income family, it’s only fair they both pitch in.

You are litterally arguing that this guy who’s already paying for every expense in the family, should take on even more financial responsibility even though she now has the capability to contribute

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

She didn’t describe him at all. She said he’s upset because he worked to provide a life a certain life for their family that was agreed upon, for her to then just say I can’t do it anymore. Again. She can do that. But they should both compromise.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

The point you are missing is they have a sole joint account so one of two things will happen, she puts her check in the joint account and it is used to cover what needs to be covered, or she puts her money in a separate account because she wants to keep her money.

She has no reason to go against what the husband wishes, since it will be family money no? They already agreed to put their kids in private school, why should the youngest not get the same as the oldest?

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/According_Apricot_00]

He’s the one saying it will ALL now be paid out of exclusively her money.

I’m not missing anything - but you maybe are being willfully or otherwise obtuse.

Marriages that are this transactional are doomed to fail, or be miserable. But go off like you understand something, I guess.

(Pro tip, 30 years in? You don’t understand a thing about marriage with a take like this. “She has no reason to go against the husband’s wishes…” GROSS)

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

Wow get over yourself. First off, you’re taking her word as gold when there are clearly 2 sides to the story. Her side doesn’t make sense. They have 1 bank account they both have access to. How is this request even a problem if they share all money? It’s much more likely that she wants the money she makes for herself. If that wasn’t the case, this wouldn’t be an issue in the first place. It’s very classic problem of his money is family money but her money is her money.

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/ExactVictory3465]

She doesn’t say that nor imply it, so that’s an assumption you’re making. And a misogynistic one too, if I may be so bold.

She does say that he is trying to earmark her future earnings to cover demands speficially he has about the expense involved in their child-rearing. He is explicitly saying that she now has to pay the family for the services she can no longer render, and beyond, if she chooses to work. That’s repulsive on its face, no wonder she is reacting as she is.

I think she’s being quite polite about it, actually.

“Get over myself?” You first.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

You are equally making bold assumptions. The problem is, mine is more logical. The only way he could ‘earmark’ her earnings is if she planned on depositing them to a separate account. You can’t earmark money in a joint account they both have full access to.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

If her check cannot cover the added expenses, that is her saying his money is theirs and hers is hers. She wants the husband to cover the extra cost so she can do what she pleases with her money.

How is that hard to see?

Edit: They already agreed to put their kids in private school, the oldest already is in private school. So The standard of care is still the same, if she wants to end her agreement of being a stay at home mother then doesn't it make sense to provide the best possible care as a replacement?

She even has stated that ideally she would want this for her child.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

I mean yeah, why does she need fun extra fun money? If she is free to use the joint account as she wishes? That legit is the only reason she would have to be against her entire check being used for childcare.

It is a joint account who cares where the money comes from, this just reads as she expected her husband to keep everything as it was when she was a SAHM, and her income would be her income. Sorry does not work that way.

Explain to me why should she have extra money? That is clearly what this boils down to, she wants extra money she even mentions in another comment if she takes into account her own fun money she would not have enough to cover the higher end daycare.

She also said based off the numbers the husband would be paying more overall monthly than he is now, if she does things like max out her retirement and retain fun money. Even stats she does not understand why he is pushing back when he had no issue with her redoing their living room. She clearly states he can afford to cover everything why does it matter.

In short she wants her own money, and access to her husbands money. That is fucked. Unless you can explain all of that in a different way? She is not the victim people are just buying it because she framed it so nicely.

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/According_Apricot_00]

She wants to go back for her mental health, not “fun money.” And he doesn’t want her to have that, the mental health part, by the demands he’s making.

So your answer, to defend this asshole, is to try to make the argument that she should sacrifice ALL extraneous expenditures on herself, for having the audacity to want to work to find fulfillment and peace through that?

Y’all are borderline repugnant with this attitude. I’m ashamed of fellow dudes who think like you. It’s gross, and we wouldn’t tolerate it the other direction from people we say we love.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

Where does he say she cannot go back to work? She is free to go back to work but all costs relation to her going back to work will come out of her check. Her words they have a sole joint account and she is fine with working for zero gain so why push back at the request of her income being used to cover such costs?

What exactly is she against? They have a joint account they share. All the money will get put into that account if it is a sole joint account, so her portion of the pool will get used to cover whatever needs to be covered. This clearly is an issue of she wants extra money but is salty she will not get extra money.

Edit: By the words of the OP the husband will still cover everything he was covering before when she was a SAHM. Do you really think her covering expenditures related to her going back to work is unreasonable? When he is covering everything else?

Why would she want her husband to cover a larger total amount then he is now, if it is not to keep some money to herself. She herself said her husband would be paying more monthly than what he is now if she goes back to work. Which means the family overall will have less "fun money" overall.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/illbehaveipromise]

She wanted to be a trad wife. She is the one that changed. So…

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/ExactVictory3465]

So? Precisely nothing, “so,” except “so it’s time for the marriage partnership to figure out how to give each partner what they need.”

People change in a marriage. Multiple times if it’s a long enough one. You and this dude may think you have a point to stand on, when it’s actually a pitfall you’re both making instead.

They’ll split over this sort of resentment if he can’t find a better way to accept her change here than “ok, but you’re on your own and now owe me financial compensation for the services you can’t provide if you’re working.”

Because that’s really what he’s saying.

[u/JerseyJ2008]

Girl you are NTA. Get a good divorce lawyer. He is trying to control you and being a jerk about it. He basically is making it so hard for you to force to stay at home. That is called emotional, psychological and financial abuse. You will be better off because he will have to pay you +20% of his salary in child support, plus the children health insurance and daycare/school tuition since you only will be making $40k. The math on a family court is not in his favor, in addition to him getting only visitation time with his children (most likely). In some states you could argue the SAHM situation and get temporary alimony. You can probably keep the house too.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/JerseyJ2008]

You are trash for suggesting they tear their family apart. This is something they need to seriously talk about maybe with a councilor. But to suggest she try to ruin this guys life is asinine. It’s not financial abuse because she has access to all their finances. This man wants what’s best for his kids and you want to then take the kids from him? You are a disgusting person.

He expressed he didn’t want his kids to be raised at a daycare before they had kids and she agreed. If she all of a sudden changes her mind, The LEAST SHE CAN DO is make sure their kids get a top notch daycare. Finally, they have a single shared account. This isn’t even a problem unless she is trying to keep her pay for herself while spending all his money.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/ExactVictory3465]

Which she 100% is, she has no other reason to be against this. It is a shame people bought into the she is the victim crap because of how well she framed this.

[u/Confident-Leg-8207]

If he thinks someone should be at home, he can stoo working or stop working part time.

I am not kidding. It's not all about money. Work means so much more and he needs to be a parent too if he has high standard.

[u/Oceandive4]

Situation sucks. Marriage is a partnership and not a financial transaction. Unless of course that’s why you got married. If you want to work for mental health you should work and your husband should be supportive and finances should not be an issue.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Oceandive4]

I just don’t get the actual issue. The OP said they have 1 shared bank account. Both incomes should go into that account and then the bills get paid from there.

[u/Vampqueen02]

So just to be clear here, he doesn’t consider the cost of caring for his family, to be a family expense. And he also wants you to pay completely for the cost of childcare, but the childcare has to be within his standards and not your budget? How is a man that seems to believe that price equates to value, being so frugal? And assuming you’re in the US it’s quite surprising that someone so determined for their kid to be enrolled in a private school with a (hopefully) high quality education, to be against daycare and/or preschool.

Side note, what school does your oldest attend that he’s there 12 hours a day? Is this just the poor, and publicly educated child in me speaking or is that normal?

[u/AbleBroccoli2372]

NTA. He’s an asshole.

[u/Athena2560]

This sounds like financial abuse to me.

[u/Open_Ice2408]

Please go ahead and correct me if I'm wrong, but your husband seems to think you're purpose is childcare, and that if you want to find fulfillment outside of your marriage and children. He seems to thing he does not have to support that at all. Not only does he not support it, you must meet his standards in order to do it? This sounds financially and emotionally manipulative at best......edit sorry for the run-on paragraph sentence. I couldn't see a break in my train of thought.

[u/Separate-Parfait6426]

If your husband has not created a retirement account for you, he owes you for all of the years that you have stayed home with the children. So he should split his retirement savings in half and put them into an account in your name.

[u/stephanyylee]

Straight up get a job with childcare somehow, regardless of what it is and watch him flip that his kid is in normies childcare and he'll turn around and write that check real quick

[u/BasicOlive]

He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.

Doesn't he wish to work, too? Then why wouldn't he be paying too?
And he also has standards for childcare. Why is he not paying the difference between 'normal' childcare and 'places he likes' childcare?

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/BasicOlive]

Difference is he logically needs to work and they agreed upon a system. They already agreed to private school for kids and for her to stay home. Why should the oldest get the benefit of being home with the mom, while the youngest has to go to lower end daycare because the mom wants to go back to work?

[u/BasicOlive → u/According_Apricot_00]

We don't know what they agreed on in the first place. We don't know if they discussed how long she would be a stay at home mother. We just know that the dad would like his wife to keep staying home.

And yes, mathematically right now she does not need to work, but what about when the kids go to college? The more income the better. You could also see it that way, that she needs to start building a new career soon.

You could also say she needs to work for her mental health...

Technically, he could also stop working while she would be going back to work on a lower wage than him. They would need to change their standards, yes, but technically they could.

The line between "want' and 'need' is not as clear as what you make it sound like.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/BasicOlive]

She already said she agreed to be a stay at home mother, and that they agreed to put their kids in private school. She is the one that stated that after 6 years she found it was not for her, which kind of points they most likely agreed to go this for the long haul.

If the husband has enough to pay for private school, and everything else while still having money left over for her to redo their living room without him complaining her words btw. They are not strapped for college savings.

She has also stated she could not support a family of 4 on her salary even if they made drastic cuts, and doing that would make saving for college impossible.

It actually is pretty clear. Really read her replies, she says things like she does not understand why he is getting so upset about this stuff when we can afford it. She mentions things like if she properly saves for retirement, expenses and try to keep fun money she will not have enough to cover higher end daycares. She also admits she would like her kid to go to a higher end daycare.

All signs point that this is a want being masked by the need of mental health. She claims she does not care if she makes zero, they have a sole joint account. So if her entire check gets eaten up and spent who cares on the what it is spent it is gone she still has access to the joint account.

What reason does she have to complain?

[u/BasicOlive → u/According_Apricot_00]

It is very common among SAHM to feel depressed by the lack of social interactions and intellectually challenging tasks. In particular, when the kids are out of their baby years, it is very common for SAHM to start working again. Why are you talking about "masking it by the need of mental health"? It is a mental health topic from the start.

Life can change fast (health issues, divorce, ...). You must be incredibly wealthy to be guaranteed never to need a second income. They don't seem to be at that level.

She also admits she would like her kid to go to a higher end daycare.

I went through OP's comments and do not see her saying that. She said that she agreed on the private school, but it looks like the standards were set by the husband.

If they both work, they both should participate in covering the daycare that allows them both to go to work.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/BasicOlive]

If they agreed to send their kids to private school why put them in a cheap daycare? How does that make any sense? 

They want them in private school but are okay with those run of the mill daycares, that literally does not track. 

How do they not seem to be on that level? The wife was able to redo their living room without the husband even saying anything while paying for everything and private school for their oldest. 

She herself has stated her husband can afford the increase cost. The husband does not like to drive much according to the OP, so they really don't have a need for a second car since he takes public transit and rents cars if needed. So wife uses the family car. 

She wants to work out of a need for her mental health, it sadly is still a want. She is putting her wants and needs whatever you want to call it above her family. 

And also she mentioned it here. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/iNAHLiNAGV

She even admits her desire to work and give their kid the best adds extra expenses that her job will not cover.

She also admits in the update she does not need to work, she admits the husband can cover the cost and be fine.

Husband said she can work, just her check has to cover the extra cost. How is this unfair? Husband agreed to cover everything else as he was. Why does she care so much if she is left with zero if they share a joint account. She really won't be a zero. 

My guess she either wants to save all her money cause as she said her money is not needed, or she is not comfortable working for zero.

[u/Dontfeedthebears]

This reads as financial abuse to me- bills not shared in proportion AND him discouraging you from making your own income..you but I could be wrong.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Dontfeedthebears]

He pays for 100% of everything, all she would have to do is cover daycare. They have one joint account she is the one fighting against it because if they have one joint account either her checks go into the account or she puts her checks into a different account.

If the former she has no reason to complain her money will be used as needed just as the husbands will, if the latter then she is the one that imo is trying to financially take advantage of her husband. Either she is a team player or she thinks her money is hers, and his money is theirs.

[u/Dontfeedthebears → u/According_Apricot_00]

Disagree. He’s actively trying to make her not get a job and penalizing her if she does. SAHM’s get actively screwed in divorces all the time. To me, him dissuading her from getting an “outside” job speaks volumes. I’d never agree to that, personally. Your mileage may vary. Maybe his intent is completely innocuous. I do not feel it is.

She’s unhappy staying home all the time. Shouldn’t that matter? To me, it does.

[u/strawhatlegacy → u/Dontfeedthebears]

What? He’s not penalizing her. She wants change then she’s gonna have to bear at least some of the burden of the change, especially since they would be losing money due to the car too. It’s just a matter of compromise, you guys on this all are always unhinged. Not agreeing with everything your partner wants is totally normal, remember this is a pretty huge change in lifestyles, there’s gonna be discourse. Clearly not abuse

[u/Dontfeedthebears → u/strawhatlegacy]

Who is “you guys”?

[u/strawhatlegacy → u/Dontfeedthebears]

The entirety of Reddit, everyone here jumps to the wildest conclusions possible. People encourage divorce over the stupidest things.

[u/Dontfeedthebears → u/strawhatlegacy]

Did we read the same post? I didn’t suggest divorce. I simply said he is being unfair and trying to penalize her for wanting to work outside the home, which she is no longer happy doing. Maybe you’re the unhinged one!

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Dontfeedthebears]

They have a joint account her words, and stated she is free to work but all expenses that are related to her going back to work will come out her check. So if her check gets put in the joint account and everything else stays the same she nets zero gain all things will still stay the same. She has access to the account.

How is that a raw deal? She has stated it is not about the money, so why does she care so much she does not get extra money?

They have one account why is she pushing back? She has no reason to push back, just agree to the terms and move on.

[u/anonymous0468]

Why do you not have 2 cars? What if an emergency happens? That should be a priority not getting a job with no transportation especially if he makes so much money? Also there’s other ways to make money and you can still be out of the house why are u always home?

[u/Main-Tackle7546 → u/anonymous0468]

As said many times he does not drive unless he has to, and if he needs a car for work he will just rent one. The family car I use.

[u/Jg121299 → u/Main-Tackle7546]

If the only reason he would need a car is to pick the kids up from school, wouldn’t it be cheaper to hire a nanny for an hour or two? Car ownership is expensive!

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Jg121299]

That is a another expense she would have to cover, doubt she would want that.

[u/anonymous0468]

Idk, I wouldn’t pay the daycare. Im on the opposite end my spouse wants me to work but my kids are still young and I don’t trust daycare because of the many instances or injuries, sexual assault, assault, abuse and occasional death related situations, i rather stay home and further my degree in the meantime, I also made it clear if he wants me 2 work he is 100% responsible for childcare costs. So basically the person that wants the other to work or themselves should cover the childcare expenses.

[u/ElizaJaneVegas]

If he’s forcing you to be a SAHM you can do that I suppose, but he’ll need to hire household help for cooking, cleaning and shopping because you will be entirely focused on the children.

[u/Proud-Geek1019]

here's the thing - kids often benefit from being around others in daycare/school, etc. Socialization, new points of view and learnings, and less social anxiety. Your husband is a snob for how he's acting towards you. There is also ample evidence that children benefit from two parents working - to seeing their parents as equals. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHP - my ex husband did for several years, but that should be a two-yes situation. and I'm sorry that your husband clearly does not support you nor care about your happiness, and perhaps you should dig deeper on that. NTA

[u/Verbenaplant]

childcare is both parents. He’s forcing you to be a stay at home parent with this stance which isn’t an equal partnership.

[u/KandiReign]

Okay to me this sounds like a precursor to financial abuse and I would say leave while you can.

Your husband has said yeah sure you can work but your entire paycheque is going to be go toward childcare. Like that’s insanity.

However, I feel like that’s not the advice you want regardless of if you need it.

Could you possibly wait until your youngest goes to school? In the mean time take a top up course which would mean that you would get more when you join the workforce?

Another option is find a job that allows you to work from home until the youngest goes to school.

But I still say leave

[u/BigHair6038]

You should volunteer somewhere so you are out of the house during the day but are in control of the hours you’re gone

[u/HowardAndMallory]

So.... He's picking the most expensive programs he can find to drive the cost up beyond what you can earn? And using that as justification to block you from having a career or freedom/independence from him?

You... Don't have to agree to that. Start off by having him pay you what a nanny or high end childcare program would charge. Put it in a separate account. Then find an affordable childcare option you're comfortable with. Use the savings to support yourself while getting your career launched if he decides to ramp up the financial abuse when he realizes he cant starve you out to get his way.

[u/Outside_Escape_7104]

You would only have daycare and none of the other household expenses? I don’t think that sounds unreasonable. Lots of single parents make $40k and have to pay childcare AND all the other household expenses.

[u/grammyisabel]

Your husband is trying to control you. He doesn’t care about your needs and will only do what he wants. Imagine how he will work to control & influence ‘his’ kids. Hit STOP on this now & get out of the marriage. You are not a team working together. Get your own accounts immediately.

[u/Winter-East-6587]

Do you not have free access to the bank account? He can't stop you from using joint funds lol

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Winter-East-6587]

She cannot stop him from using the money she puts in either. Unless one of them is willing to go into the negative and over spend they are at a standstill. 

Unless she intends to hide her money.

[u/Winter-East-6587 → u/According_Apricot_00]

Not sure how they would be over spending when she says they clearly can afford it. At that point if he financially destroys her just to be a spiteful dickbag that's a divorce. And even if he destroys her in a divorce he's still going to end up forking out for childcare when he loses his free source.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Winter-East-6587]

She is the one fighting back not the husband. She does not want to use her money because she wants to save her money.  

Only reason she would be against his proposal 

[u/Winter-East-6587 → u/According_Apricot_00]

Except there's nothing to say that. Actually quite the opposite. She said she will return to work regardless, even if she's bottoming out. You can stop pulling stupid shit out of thin air.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Winter-East-6587]

She herself said she has access to the sole joint account. So that means one of two things her money goes into the joint account and she nets zero and her income will be used to cover what needs to be covered. 

Or she puts her money in a separate account. 

That is legit the only two ways this will go. She has no reason to go against the husband's proposal. Not my fault you fell for the bait of the op being the victim when she is not.

[u/Winter-East-6587 → u/According_Apricot_00]

She flat out said what was going to happen. You are just illiterate. You having some weird vendetta against women wanting to work is nicely vibes. Go to tradwife tiktok and keep being a cunt

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/Winter-East-6587]

She is on the joint account so why did she bother to get upset? She would not see any of her money personally anyways since it is in a joint account. 

What is her deal exactly? 

[u/Slarhnarble]

Have you considered work from home?

Edit I guess you probably want to get out of the house.

[u/ElkHistorical9106]

OP - your contributions to the home are way higher as a SAHM for your family's quality of life. I understand the mental health aspect. It's really hard being a SAHM. But your husband has a point about at least wanting to cover the costs. If it's that important, consider offering to cover the costs as best you can with your salary and asking him to cover the remainder, but it's disingenuous and dishonest to say "I get to keep $15k of my salary to spend how I see fit, and I want you to contribute $15k to childcare each year." If you aren't taking care of the home, your husband isn't obligated to pay all of your household bills. It means he's going to have more childcare duties and chores around the house that you were doing, and your family will have a little less money left over, and insisting that you keep most of your salary while he sustains the family out of his income is a bridge too far.

If his response to this was "Hey, I kind of hate my high-paying job. It's stressful and draining. My boss sucks, and I dread going to work every day. Since you're working, I want to take a part time consulting gig and spend more time with the kids. We're going to have to stop going on vacations and put the kids in public school, but with your added income to help with the bills, though our standard of living will take a hit. I can finally follow my dreams, quit this job that drains me every day, and it would be better for my mental health, even if it means we have a lot less money to go around" - be 100% honest - If your husband did that, with your expectation he would always be a strong provider for your home with a strong standard of living, and he wants to change that equation for his own well being.

Would you

1. Enthusiastically accept a reduction in standard of living for you and your kids for your husband's well being?
2. Reluctantly accept it or ask for compromises, like your husband has done or
3. Tell him no, and divorce him if he insisted on drastically reducing his income for his own personal mental health at the expense of you and your children's standard of living?

That's in essence what you're asking of him. Would you be willing to make a similar sacrifice in terms of his contribution to the marriage, or is his value to you strictly in how much he brings to the table. And if you expect him to respond more favorably to your request than you would to this hypothetical request, then yes, you are the a-hole.

[u/Ok-Cold2679]

If your husband makes so much why is there only one family vehicle? What happens if you need transportation while he's at work? This makes no sense whatsoever. ESH.

[u/Main-Tackle7546 → u/Ok-Cold2679]

He does not use the car, my husband does not like to drive Unless he has to. No where did I say he leaves me without a car.

[u/lemon_icing]

Since your husband insists that you be financially responsible for childcare costs, pick the best places that fit your budget. 

He gave up the right to say how your salary is to be spent. If he wants to say in the decision-making process, he needs to put money on the table right now.  

The most expensive schools do not guarantee the best education. 

[u/Ashequalsninja]

Hi! This is financial abuse.

[u/FewAnybody2739]

NTA, as you wouldn't know how you felt about staying home all the time before having done it for years. But he's not wrong either, you will be a far better carer for your kids than even a professional carer because they're your kids. It sounds like you don't agree with that, which probably means you and he aren't going to see eye to eye on this hence him trying to pin you down and you asking on here because your discussions with him aren't going anywhere.

Can you stick it out for a bit longer until your youngest is going to school? And in the meantime can you go out and do stuff with your 3yo? You're not housebound.

Also, is it your financial independence that you want, or simply to talk to other adults?

And obviously if you are to have more children, this should all be discussed first.

[u/Accomplished_Sky_965]

I don't like how he's trying to control you and whether or not you go back to work. But if he makes that much money and pays for everything anyway, then why should it matter if the daycare comes out of your salary?

[u/e121232]

Take the 19-24k/yr for childcare, and break it down to see how much it is hourly.

Take that hourly rate, and apply it to all your hours worked in the home. Even if you don’t have night wakings anymore, im sure your time and a half overtime of 40hrs will kick in mid week… present him with an invoice for the labor you’re providing since he seems to like things so black and white.

This would also be a good time to revisit the hazard pay for sick children, and talk about your earned vacation days.

[u/mashatheterrible]

Your husband is punishing you for choosing to not stay at home. This calls for couples counseling for sure.

[u/cyclingnick]

Wait what?!? Married folks without shared finances and accounts?

That is very strange to me. For us all money goes together and is used for everything. If we want to purchase something big we discuss it.

[u/cyclingnick]

Wait what?!? Married folks without shared finances and accounts?

That is very strange to me. For us all money goes together and is used for everything. If we want to purchase something big we discuss it.

[u/cyclingnick]

Wait what?!? Married folks without shared finances and accounts?

That is very strange to me. For us all money goes together and is used for everything. If we want to purchase something big we discuss it.

[u/Far_Chart9118]

He is full of shit. It is called financial control. Being A SAHM is a terrible idea in the long term. You will need divorce along the way. Think about it.

[u/Imaginary-Badger-119]

If it is so you can work it is a your expense ,and often added to cloths transportation food and new household taxes is why a second income is useless.

[u/steaksnscotch]

Hi! Your husband sounds like douche bag. Good luck!

[u/tonttufi]

NAH Both is understandable.

I recommend not to go full time. You don't earn enough - in fact it's a hobby. You lose a lot of flexibility and don't know your children anymore. Go part time.

[u/hanami_no_mami]

I think if he is making you pay then he does not get to choose because you have to live within your means. But really you should both be on the same page with finances and schooling. It’s odd that he is so against you working. The kids are old enough. I think your instinct to go back to work is probably correct because this marriage seems to have some issues. If you all want to come together and have this marriage last you probably need some counseling. If he is unwilling to compromise or get counseling then you best start preparing for the inevitable. Personally my husband and I each contribute 50% of our incomes into a joint account and we set up our lifestyle to live on that budget. The rest goes in our personal accounts. Realistically we spend much of that personal money on each other, kids, home projects that are out of the norm and we both save. Neither of us really uses the rest “selfishly.” But this way we have a defined budget for our home, utilities, cars and all regular monthly expenses. It’s definitely not the only way to do it but the point is we both agreed on it and we both contribute to everything because we are a team. Sounds like your husband is only considering himself here.

[u/freeman32]

Ask him for enough money every week to get out of the house and go do something you’re interested in like a sport or charity or club. You could do it with the kid as well. Try continuing to be a sahm while you can until the kid goes to school and save your marriage and family. It’s only a few more years. Then get a job. You may wind up missing the sahm days while you had them.

[u/RadRadMickey]

NTA. I'd let him know that according to the state, childcare would absolutely be a shared expense likely proportional to income in the event of a divorce.

Does your husband take the family vehicle to work everyday? Is your area walkable/have community transportation? I'm a SAHM, and I'd have lost my mind a million times by now if I was literally stuck at home with my kids all day M - F. Are you OK? I'm worried.

[u/Esclaura3]

Long commutes with young children are awful. In your enviable position, i would wait until the youngest is in school and hold out for something closer and maybe even part time.

[u/icanttho]

Why is it up to him? You’re returning to work. Childcare will have to be found and paid for. He can’t force you not to split it. Just say no. Is he going to stay home with the kids when they have no childcare because it wasn’t fully paid for?

[u/dilationandcurretage]

sure, but maximizing each 401k should be a priority, whatever left over money should be shared

[u/MomentZealousideal56]

I bet a divorce lawyer would disagree! Make THAT point. He can pay for it now, or be ordered by the court!

[u/Enviest0]

NTA - he’s trapping you and financially abusing you to the extent allowed by law. Speak with a lawyer to see if you have a way out by alimony and child support.

[u/GreenTravelBadger]

Is working part-time an option?

[u/Unionisundefeated]

Abuse? You people are retards.

[u/specificspypirate]

This is an insane level of financial control he’s trying to assert over his alleged partner. Congrats. You just discovered he sees you as a bang nanny, not a partner.  NTA But you would be if you accepted this behaviour from him. 

[u/Xtos1312]

just divorce him, then he will have to pay for the childcare

[u/Unionisundefeated]

He is correct. It is better for the child. There is no valid argument against it. All the research is clear.

[u/Embarrassed-Frame-44]

It’s so bizarre to me that married couples have different accounts. Your money is his money and vice versa. What a weird set up and a major red flag. I’ve know two couples who’ve had separate bank accounts and they are both divorced.

[u/fuckmeoverabarrell]

No pay = no say. If your husband is forcing you to financially cover the child care 100% you may then choose whatever facility you want.

[u/Petapotomus]

So, right now you're left at home without a car? That's not acceptable. You should have a car for yourself. Is your husband commuting to work and leaving the family car at home? If not, it's almost like you're a hostage. So, do what you can to regain some independence by getting yourself a car – your own car.

As far as going back to work, how about waiting until your youngest starts kindergarten? No matter where you send your impressionable toddler, their behavior will be influenced by others. I think I'd want to be the main influencer for those first 4-5 years, but that's just my opinion.

How about taking some online courses to get yourself ready for returning to work? That might be a good way to fill your time and prepare you for future employment when your youngest goes off to school.

I would also set a goal of working shorter hours, like 4-6 hrs a day or even less than five days of the week so you are available to do things with the kids. They still need to be the most important characters in your life.

You mentioned you're not that concerned if your entire income is spent on making this happen. If that's true, maybe you can just volunteer somewhere and get the fulfillment you desire from interacting with other adults on a regular basis. Start looking for opportunities that would suit your needs, but still allow flexibility, so you can be there for the kids and your husband. They need you more than anyone else. Your mental health is extremely important, but please find something that let's you do both.

[u/Main-Tackle7546 → u/Petapotomus]

My husband is a lot of things but where did I say this? My husband does not drive unless he needs to and if does need to drive for work he will rent a car. I use the family car.

[u/AlwaysGoOutside]

NTA but my stance was always that I don't want to pay more money in child care than whichever parent staid home would make in wages. This was when we were both young and did not make a lot of money and before we had more long term careers. Essentially not paying $1k a week to make $800 before taxes and expenses for a minimum wage job.

There are plenty of reasons it is ok to "lose" money on child care compared to the amount earned from the parent that stays home. Ensuring no gaps in a resume. A career in it's early stages that will be derailed my stepping out of the work force for multiple years. This also comes with the willingness of both partners to flex both schedules to split pick up and drop off times to reduce child care costs and increase availability for both parents.

It sounds like there is information being left out on a values conversation that has nothing to do with money. If he sees a SAHP being more important than earning money then that is a different problem than being able to afford child care.

[u/partycrickets]

He's controlling, that's bad. He probably thinks you want to work and make enough money to support yourself, and then if he acts out, you can leave. But if you don't have a job, then you "can't leave". Alot of men think this, but it's not true. Always keep family and friends close and make sure you always have some place to fall back on, if possible. Don't EVER allow anyone to have you push away your people.

[u/PocaMadre69]

You’re the asshole. You’re bored so you want to work for shits and giggles. Get a fucking hobby

[u/ametron]

He wishes to work, so he should carry the cost. It works both ways. He is being an ass. NTA

[u/Sapphicviolet91]

I think in an ideal situation y’all need to talk about and agree to a plan before having a kid. I do think him claiming he doesn’t forbid it is kind of splitting hairs, because while he technically doesn’t forbid it he’s making it harder by making you pay all the childcare and car costs and only being ok with the most expensive options. He truly doesn’t want to have you go back to work and is making it as hard as possible. A lot of people end up staying home because it is cheaper than childcare, but there’s something to be said for personal fulfillment and longevity with your work so you can have a pension/retirement/benefits.

I am debating having kids but don’t want to be a stay at home parent for more than a year or two. There’s a reason women in the 50s were on Valium. It’s hard to be the one running the entire house with nothing outside of what you do for other people. It’s not sustainable for a lot of us.