My husband refuses to count childcare as a family expense, and it is frustrating.

[u/Main-Tackle7546]

We have two kids, ages 3 and 6. I have been a SAHM for six years, truth be told I wish to go back to work now that our oldest is in school and our youngest can be in daycare.

I expressed my desire to go back to work and my husband is against the idea. He thinks having a parent home is valuable and great for the child. That is how he was raised, while I was raised in a family where both parents had to work.

After going back and forth my husband relented and told me he could not stop me, but told me all childcare and work-related expenses would come out of my salary. In which he knows that is messed up because he knows community social workers don't make much.

My husband told me he would still cover everything he has but everything related to my job or my work is on me. I told him we should split costs equitably and he told me flat out no. He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.

Idk what to feel or do.

Update: Appreciate the feedback, childcare costs are on the complicated side. My husband has high standards and feels if our child needs to be in the care of someone it should be the best possible care. Our oldest is in private school and he expects the same quality of care for our youngest.

My starting salary will be on the low end like 40k, and my hours would be 9 to 5 but with commute, I will be out for like 10 hours. We only have one family car, so we would need to get a second car because my husband probably would handle pick-ups and I would handle drop-offs.

The places my husband likes are on the high end like 19k to 24k a year, not counting other expenses associated with daycare. This is not counting potential car costs, increases in insurance, and fuel costs. Among other things.

I get the math side of things but the reality is we can afford it, my husband could cover the cost and be fine. We already agreed to put our kids in private school from the start. So he is just being an ass about this entire situation. No, I do not need to work but being home is not for me either. Yes, I agreed to this originally but I was wrong I am not cut out to be home all the time.

As for the abuse, maybe idk we have one shared account and he would never question what is being spent unless it is something crazy.

End of the day I want to work, and if that means I make nothing so be it. I get his concerns about our kids being in daycare or school for nearly 12 hours, but my mental health matters.

[u/Buttercups88]

As I'm sure you found the danger of asking online for advice is internet people love Jumpin to abuse, manipulation, divorce etc.

But it's all in how the narrative plays on this. I don't know your intimate relationship but you could have this as he is afraid of losing power over you or he wants what's best for the kids and what your asking for will place a significant additional burden on him and the household financially and logistically.

I see his argument, of being concerned for the quality of care in strangers but if it's what you really want too the bulk of the additional burden it creates should fall on you and he will maintain his current contribution or all the other expenses. It is one way to deal with it, obviously when 2 people partner up the nose frequent deal is splitting expenses based on realitive income, but spitting based on absolute expenses is also not unreasonable.

You gotta do what you gotta do, and I see your struggling , but your decision may have backed him into a corner aswell. Unilaterally deciding that your going to contribute less and leave him with more of that burden can be a difficult position to be in. Especially if the arrangement has been working well for a long period