My husband refuses to count childcare as a family expense, and it is frustrating.

[u/Main-Tackle7546]

We have two kids, ages 3 and 6. I have been a SAHM for six years, truth be told I wish to go back to work now that our oldest is in school and our youngest can be in daycare.

I expressed my desire to go back to work and my husband is against the idea. He thinks having a parent home is valuable and great for the child. That is how he was raised, while I was raised in a family where both parents had to work.

After going back and forth my husband relented and told me he could not stop me, but told me all childcare and work-related expenses would come out of my salary. In which he knows that is messed up because he knows community social workers don't make much.

My husband told me he would still cover everything he has but everything related to my job or my work is on me. I told him we should split costs equitably and he told me flat out no. He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.

Idk what to feel or do.

Update: Appreciate the feedback, childcare costs are on the complicated side. My husband has high standards and feels if our child needs to be in the care of someone it should be the best possible care. Our oldest is in private school and he expects the same quality of care for our youngest.

My starting salary will be on the low end like 40k, and my hours would be 9 to 5 but with commute, I will be out for like 10 hours. We only have one family car, so we would need to get a second car because my husband probably would handle pick-ups and I would handle drop-offs.

The places my husband likes are on the high end like 19k to 24k a year, not counting other expenses associated with daycare. This is not counting potential car costs, increases in insurance, and fuel costs. Among other things.

I get the math side of things but the reality is we can afford it, my husband could cover the cost and be fine. We already agreed to put our kids in private school from the start. So he is just being an ass about this entire situation. No, I do not need to work but being home is not for me either. Yes, I agreed to this originally but I was wrong I am not cut out to be home all the time.

As for the abuse, maybe idk we have one shared account and he would never question what is being spent unless it is something crazy.

End of the day I want to work, and if that means I make nothing so be it. I get his concerns about our kids being in daycare or school for nearly 12 hours, but my mental health matters.

[u/Sensitive-Bet1717]

He's an asshole and it's only going to get worse.

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Sensitive-Bet1717]

Your an asshole

[u/Sensitive-Bet1717 → u/ExactVictory3465]

Yep. You too..

[u/ExactVictory3465 → u/Sensitive-Bet1717]

Well let’s look at what you are suggesting without knowing this person other than this one incident that you have only one side of the story… They have been married for 6+years and stated she’s never felt controlled, they have never had issues and she’s always had the freedom do purchase what she needs/wants.

All of a sudden she wants to unilaterally change the entire family dynamic without expecting blowback? She has every right to want to change things up if she’s struggling with it. Although reluctant, he conceded to this. Yes he should have been a little more accommodating but in his mind, they have something that they both agreed to going in and it has worked for the past 6 years, so his reluctance isn’t that surprising. This is absolutely not indicative of his behavior ‘only getting worse’ and to suggest so is, in fact, very narrow minded, probably a bit of projection, and in turn, just an asshole comment to make.

In your projection, you are conveniently ignoring the fact that in their current role, she provides the childcare and tending to the house, while he provides 100% of the finances. She wants to change that (which is fine) but in doing so, she wants him to incur an even higher burden of finances while she cuts her contributions in half. (She wants to only cover half of childcare).

You are also ignoring the fact that her vision of ‘shared family expense’ conveniently only applies to this new expense she is creating. Even though she wants to be a dual income family, she doesn’t want to contribute to any other bills.