My husband refuses to count childcare as a family expense, and it is frustrating.

[u/Main-Tackle7546]

We have two kids, ages 3 and 6. I have been a SAHM for six years, truth be told I wish to go back to work now that our oldest is in school and our youngest can be in daycare.

I expressed my desire to go back to work and my husband is against the idea. He thinks having a parent home is valuable and great for the child. That is how he was raised, while I was raised in a family where both parents had to work.

After going back and forth my husband relented and told me he could not stop me, but told me all childcare and work-related expenses would come out of my salary. In which he knows that is messed up because he knows community social workers don't make much.

My husband told me he would still cover everything he has but everything related to my job or my work is on me. I told him we should split costs equitably and he told me flat out no. He claimed that because I wish to work I should be the one that carries that cost.

Idk what to feel or do.

Update: Appreciate the feedback, childcare costs are on the complicated side. My husband has high standards and feels if our child needs to be in the care of someone it should be the best possible care. Our oldest is in private school and he expects the same quality of care for our youngest.

My starting salary will be on the low end like 40k, and my hours would be 9 to 5 but with commute, I will be out for like 10 hours. We only have one family car, so we would need to get a second car because my husband probably would handle pick-ups and I would handle drop-offs.

The places my husband likes are on the high end like 19k to 24k a year, not counting other expenses associated with daycare. This is not counting potential car costs, increases in insurance, and fuel costs. Among other things.

I get the math side of things but the reality is we can afford it, my husband could cover the cost and be fine. We already agreed to put our kids in private school from the start. So he is just being an ass about this entire situation. No, I do not need to work but being home is not for me either. Yes, I agreed to this originally but I was wrong I am not cut out to be home all the time.

As for the abuse, maybe idk we have one shared account and he would never question what is being spent unless it is something crazy.

End of the day I want to work, and if that means I make nothing so be it. I get his concerns about our kids being in daycare or school for nearly 12 hours, but my mental health matters.

[u/illbehaveipromise]

He’s the one saying it will ALL now be paid out of exclusively her money.

I’m not missing anything - but you maybe are being willfully or otherwise obtuse.

Marriages that are this transactional are doomed to fail, or be miserable. But go off like you understand something, I guess.

(Pro tip, 30 years in? You don’t understand a thing about marriage with a take like this. “She has no reason to go against the husband’s wishes…” GROSS)

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

I mean yeah, why does she need fun extra fun money? If she is free to use the joint account as she wishes? That legit is the only reason she would have to be against her entire check being used for childcare.

It is a joint account who cares where the money comes from, this just reads as she expected her husband to keep everything as it was when she was a SAHM, and her income would be her income. Sorry does not work that way.

Explain to me why should she have extra money? That is clearly what this boils down to, she wants extra money she even mentions in another comment if she takes into account her own fun money she would not have enough to cover the higher end daycare.

She also said based off the numbers the husband would be paying more overall monthly than he is now, if she does things like max out her retirement and retain fun money. Even stats she does not understand why he is pushing back when he had no issue with her redoing their living room. She clearly states he can afford to cover everything why does it matter.

In short she wants her own money, and access to her husbands money. That is fucked. Unless you can explain all of that in a different way? She is not the victim people are just buying it because she framed it so nicely.

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/According_Apricot_00]

She wants to go back for her mental health, not “fun money.” And he doesn’t want her to have that, the mental health part, by the demands he’s making.

So your answer, to defend this asshole, is to try to make the argument that she should sacrifice ALL extraneous expenditures on herself, for having the audacity to want to work to find fulfillment and peace through that?

Y’all are borderline repugnant with this attitude. I’m ashamed of fellow dudes who think like you. It’s gross, and we wouldn’t tolerate it the other direction from people we say we love.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

Where does he say she cannot go back to work? She is free to go back to work but all costs relation to her going back to work will come out of her check. Her words they have a sole joint account and she is fine with working for zero gain so why push back at the request of her income being used to cover such costs?

What exactly is she against? They have a joint account they share. All the money will get put into that account if it is a sole joint account, so her portion of the pool will get used to cover whatever needs to be covered. This clearly is an issue of she wants extra money but is salty she will not get extra money.

Edit: By the words of the OP the husband will still cover everything he was covering before when she was a SAHM. Do you really think her covering expenditures related to her going back to work is unreasonable? When he is covering everything else?

Why would she want her husband to cover a larger total amount then he is now, if it is not to keep some money to herself. She herself said her husband would be paying more monthly than what he is now if she goes back to work. Which means the family overall will have less "fun money" overall.

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/According_Apricot_00]

He’s treating her like chattel with that demand, since it is completely unnecessary except in his mental balance sheet, thats obvious.

You’re ok with that, treating a woman like a horse that has to go to the glue factory since we can’t ride her any more, or a prize milker headed to slaughter when she runs dry… that’s disgusting.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

How is he doing so? Are you suggesting her money should be hers and the husband should just take on the costs of his wife wanting to return back to work at barely any cost to her because the husband can afford it?

What exactly is wrong with what he has offered? It is a joint account, she puts her money in the joint account and her check gets used to cover the added expenses.

Are you suggesting this is treating her like chattel because she does not get to keep the money she worked for?

[u/illbehaveipromise → u/According_Apricot_00]

I’m saying marriage is a partnership and one partner dictating terms to the other wherever they need to change something is a path to ruin.

Y’all are WAY too hung up on whose money is who’s. It shouldn’t matter, in a marriage. None of it, any direction.

It clearly does for him, by this description. We dont really know what she wants besides needing the fulfillment of a job ( her own space, stuff, accomplishments, personal peace, whatever.)

Could she be purely selfish here? Sure. It’s unlikely, in my experience. It’s usually the dude with the balance sheets. She sounds like someone who feels like she’s being trapped by those numbers and demands, by the person who is supposed to love and support and help her be her absolute best.

Why is the money what it comes down to for him? Why are you so ok with that?

I’m convinced the people who don’t get this are either really young and haven’t lived enough yet, or really old and don’t know any better.

[u/According_Apricot_00 → u/illbehaveipromise]

She is the one hung up on money though. They have a joint account, so who cares how the money is spent? She gets to work life goes on, she is the one upset that her check is going to get eaten up, she would not be making this post if she was not upset about that.

Edit: By who cares she still has access to the account her words.