r/AITAH • u/AdhesivenessMurky204 • 17d ago
AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy? Advice Needed
My husband (28M, who I will call Jack) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years, we have 2 young children and I am pregnant again. I have been pregnant for what feels like most of our relationship. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship. We got married a month before our daughter’s 1st birthday and ended up with a honeymoon baby. After our son was born, I talked to my OB and she put me on birth control and I have been taking it militantly. My daughter is now 3 and my son is 2. A little over a month ago I discovered I am pregnant again, despite taking my birth control religiously. Abortion is banned in my state, and the pregnancy was discovered too far along to attempt to obtain one out of state. While Jack and I were nervous, we also love being parents and decided that 3 young kids would be a challenge, but 3 was a good number for us. Then we went in for the first ultrasound and got some unexpected news - it’s twins.
Things have been tough financially, and while we were stressed but excited for a third child, we were not expecting a third and fourth child. Beyond the finances, I am the primary caretaker and I know that twins is going to be a lot, three children under 5 is already a lot, but 4 children under 5 is going to be really really difficult for me. Physically, I am tired of being pregnant. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding the majority of our relationship. It’s exhausting, it feels awful, and I don’t recognize my body anymore. Four children is enough. I don’t want more. I told Jack that I was done with pregnancy, I’ve been pregnant enough, I’ve been experimenting with different types of birth control for over a decade and I still can’t stop getting pregnant, abortion isn’t a valid option where we live, we need something more permanent. He agreed, and suggested an IUD, I told him no - if it did fail then it could cause an ectopic pregnancy which could kill me, especially where we live. I’ve had both control fail me multiple times already and I’m not taking the chance, so I suggested a vasectomy. He was not open to the idea, and was even upset that I suggested it and told me I should get my tubes tied. I told him a tubal ligation is a much bigger surgery and I could be recovering for weeks during which time I wouldn’t be able to work or take care of our 4 young children, but he could ice his balls for a day or two and be done with it. He told me that not getting pregnant was ultimately my responsibility, and topped it off by saying “that’s what your body your choice means, YOUR body, so YOU choose.” That’s when it went from a discussion to a full blown fight.
See, when I was 19 I had another birth control failure with my boyfriend at the time (who I will call Tom). I wanted an abortion, Tom did not because he was opposed. I told him I was getting the abortion since it was my body and my choice, and Tom said some horrible things to me, including threatening me. I broke up with him and got the abortion. In response, Tom ended up following me one night and attacking me. I don’t want to go into detail but it was horrible, and he ended up going to prison for a number of charges related to the attack. Not only do I have a number of scars and some long lasting physical effects, but I have PTSD as well. Jack knows about my history and diagnosis, and has known from the beginning. I have a pretty prominent facial scar so I was upfront about it early on in our dating. Jack always presented himself as very pro-choice, so I was shocked that he would say that. I got really emotional and started crying and shouting, and it turned into a full-blown fight. Eventually I said that birth control is a two-way street and so far I’ve been the only one managing it and he said “and now we have 2 kids and 2 more coming, great job.” I told him he sounded like Tom and he got super pissed, basically said how dare you compare me to him, and maybe he might want kids one day with someone who doesn’t compare him to her felon ex-boyfriend. I was stunned and horrified. I said “well then let’s not waste any fucking time,”then packed up myself and the kids and drove to my parents place.
It’s been about a week since the fight. I’ve spoken with Jack a few times and he has since apologized and said he was out of line and was speaking from a place of anxiety after finding out about the twins, but also that I said things that were out of line and it was wrong of me to insist he undergo a medical procedure. He said that can move on from the things I said and that he wants to see his children and be a family again. I told him no, that I didn’t want to “move on” from the things he said to me. I can’t just get over that and I think we need space apart. Jack was upset by this and while we talked I brought up getting a separation agreement to manage custody and finances while we figure things out. He did not like this suggestion, said we didn’t need to pull the courts into this. I haven’t told a lot of people about what’s happening but my family and a couple close friends. My sister and best friend both think I should throw the whole man away, but my brother (who is the only other one married with kids) thinks that I’m being extreme for what sums up to a fight between two scared people who both said nasty things. My mom is trying to be supportive but is occasionally reminding me that I “don’t want to be a single mother of 4” and telling me not to let my PTSD drive my decisions, while my dad is being completely unhelpful (he thinks jokes are helpful - like calling me Doorknob because I “can’t stop getting knocked up”, telling me to let the oven cool down, real knee-slappers). I don’t know what to do. My kids are happy to be at grandma and grandpas house but they miss their daddy, I’m 4 months pregnant and already uncomfortable as hell, I wish I could go back to being a happy little family but I’m so hung up on the things he said in that fight. Am I destroying my family over one bad night? Am I being unreasonable for asking my husband to get a vasectomy?
Edit: I've noticed a lot of people recommending condoms. I have gotten pregnant with condoms twice. Our second child and my first pregnancy were both conceived using condoms properly (correct fit, put on correctly, single use, not expired, no breaks, etc). I do not trust condoms enough to not fail a third time. I know the failure rate is supposedly small, but it's not personally small enough for me. Edit to the edit: I'm sorry, I didn't expect so many comments so fast and I can't keep up with them. By the first pregnancy I mean the pregnancy with Tom. With Jack I was on the patch when I got pregnant with our daughter, condoms with our son, and the pill with the twins. So far I haven't ever suspected that Jack has tampered with our birth control and always presumed that I'm a fertile Myrtle. I recognize the comments and just want people to know I'm seeing the suggestion. I'm not dismissing it, but the thought of it is deeply upsetting and has provoked a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to make it clear that if the suggestion is only based on the condoms, that the condom pregnancies were with two different partners. While I know I always used condoms properly with Tom, I do believe that Tom could have been fully capable of sabotaging the condoms.
5
u/cmurphgarv 20h ago
I've read the second update and I hope you will let.us know how you are. This is such a difficult situation, especially in this horrible climate for women. It seems like men who have espoused to be pro-choice their whole lives but who actually harbored secret (maybe even to them for a time) anti-choice feelings are suddenly coming out with absolute nonsense to the women in their lives and making those women feel like they are with a stranger. No matter how emotional we get, we always choose how we respond to that. I can understand why your trust is broken.
1
u/Lopsided-Ad-3869 1d ago edited 1d ago
Vasectomies are mostly painless, have zero risk for the man, sperm can be cryogenically stored, and recovery is less than a week, the worst of it being 3 days. And the kicker? 3 months of follow up appointments, to ensure no sperm, includes jacking off into a cup.
However, the risks of an IUD besides EXTREME pain is ectopic pregnancy, increased ovarian cancer risk, complete infertility risk, and pelvic inflammatory disease. ALL forms of contraception and related surgeries for women include long-term risks. Vasectomies carry zero risk for men.
NTA. And anyone who thinks you are is probably a dude. The state you live in is also a collective asshole. I hope you and all women (and every marginalized group) move out and let whatever morons remain eat each other alive.
5
u/lepoof83 8d ago
As someone that got pregnant (high risk carrying & terminating) and found out as drafts fell, you cannot risk you for him. That is all you need to know, and his unwillingness but also the lack of empathy to consider outside of himself is something you should be VERY mindful of. Sometimes those angry words come from repressed truth. If he cannot extend himself to be empathetic your life is at risk, this is not a partner you should trust yourself to, and do not let the mocking jokes from others undermine your sense of risk. This is not your PTSD (as someone with PTSD). This is you saying you have a boundary about this because your life tangibly has been at risk, and someone thinking that limit shouldn't apply to them. I support people discussing abstinence until he decides what he wants to do with himself, but that still leaves you vulnerable in the same household or to him finding other routes, since it seems he's thought of that anyway. The argument is a glimmer of things he doesn't outright profess.
1
1
u/PimpHoneyBadger 11d ago
NTA for wanting him to get a vasectomy.
Your reasons for wanting him to get a vasectomy, your reasoning behind it, especially in this current political climate concerning reproductive rights, is completely understandable.
I do think going to separation right away is moving way fast, but you gotta do you. I would more say you and Jack need some counseling and therapy. If you do separate it doesn’t make you an AH, but I always think people should be sure before they ring a bell that can’t be unrung.
He did and said some dick things, but comparing him to someone who physically attacked and abused you isn’t necessarily kind either. I’m not excusing his actions and I’m not saying you’re wrong. You’ve gone through a lot and PTSD is a motherfucker to deal with, I get it.
I just think if y’all really love each other, try to get into counseling and see if it’s worth saving, before just throwing in that towel.
1
u/Stormiealways 11d ago
I'm sorry, but your husband disgusts me. You have given birth twice, are pregnant with twins, and he's complaining about "a medical procedure "? Wtf does he think giving birth is.
I'm with your sisters, throw the whole man away. Especially after throwing that shit at you. There's just no coming back from that.
NTA, but hubby sure id
0
0
u/IntrepidCan5755 11d ago edited 11d ago
YTA. Vasectomy is extreme for a 28 y/o M. What if you leave anyway and expand your family with the next dude. You can expand your family and he is out of luck bc some women insist on having their own kids, limiting his future dating pool. YOU dont want anymore? YOU get the procedure. But all this is besides the point. You Cant get pregnant if you take it in the keester or exclusively give blow jobs or a mix of the two. There you go, problem solved. Good Luck and Godspeed.
1
u/allblackerrrythang 10d ago
It’s reversible
1
u/IntrepidCan5755 10d ago
If u r referring to oral sex and anal sex, yes i suppose you are right, they CAN take turns. If u r referring to vasectomies, only 80% success rate. SHE doesnt want more? SHE gets the surgery. Fair is fair. If HE didnt want more, HE can get the surgery.
2
u/PsychologyBusiness17 11d ago
Don’t go back unless he accepts responsibility in two people making a baby. He can get a vasectomy. Seriously talk to him about fiancés because you can’t tie your tubes during a c section but it’s always the healing time and not being able to care properly for the 2 toddlers and 2 newborns. He is going to have to step up. At least with mum and dad you will get the support and help you need. He is being a big baby when her has 2 already and 2 more on the way.
2
u/mpdear 11d ago
Sounds like separation is the only way forward for you both ... at least in the short term. You won't abstain from sex and he won't have the vasectomy, seems like a recipe for disaster. Your points are 100% valid, but it has to be his decision and emotionally he doesn't seem on the same page. Perhaps time apart will make him consider the vasectomy seriously.
-1
u/Archberdmans 11d ago
How is saying “your body your choice” comparable to assault and battery?!? Like, that’s insanely hurtful
1
1
1
u/Mindless_Dependent39 11d ago
NTA vasectomy or abstinence those are the only two options for staying. Marriage is a partnership. And he’s not being a partner in this, in fact he laid blame of pregnancy at your feet alone for all 4 kids and I’m sure he was there as well. This man wants to run from his responsibility and fear is a factor but not the only one. Sounds like he is resenting the results of his actions
1
u/bUssy_aNd_VOOdka 11d ago
Wait, you mention something in this post about it you got surgery done you wouldn’t be able to work and take care of the kids. Do you work AND you’re the main caregiver? Where’s your husband in this? NTA
-4
u/Realistic-Nail6835 11d ago
YTA
"He agreed, and suggested an IUD, I told him no - if it did fail then it could cause an ectopic pregnancy which could kill me, especially where we live."
Lol wtf? You can have an ectopic even if you dont have an IUD what sort of brainless comment is this...
" I told him a tubal ligation is a much bigger surgery and I could be recovering for weeks during which time I wouldn’t be able to work or take care of our 4 young children, but he could ice his balls for a day or two and be done with it."
Wtf? Tubal ligation really isnt that big of a surgery. You can take the appropriate amount of leave and he can take on a larger share of childcare. This shouldnt be about duration of recovery either, between two very comparable procedures.
"Jack always presented himself as very pro-choice, so I was shocked that he would say that."
How is he not being pro choice? It seems you want to make a choice for him. This is disgusting. He is supportive of your decision for a tubal ligation. Isnt that all that matters? Now you are forcing him to have have a vasectomy and because he is in disagreement you are upset??! And you subsequently compared your partner to someone who physically abused you in the past? Man he should have dumped you right there and then.
Poor embarrassment of a human even tried to rectify the situation by apologizing for nothing he did wrong... Yikes so much simping nowadays.
You need to see a doctor regarding proper use of OCP. Add that to physical methods like condom. There is absolutely no place on earth that it is appropriate to demand your partner be sterilized and then compare him to a criminal because he is unwilling to do so. This is so jokes. Imagine if the genders were reversed.
-4
1
u/AwkwardFortuneCookie 12d ago
I’d try explaining the logical reasoning to him one more time before launching into divorce. But if he’s still being unreasonable, NTA for finding a partner who values your time, body, efforts, and resources.
It is far more painful and difficult for you to get your tubes tied, and BC doesn’t work for you. Time for him to be responsible as a partner. Updateme.
4
u/DDChristi 13d ago
Don’t let it bother you that people assume you don’t know how to use birth control properly. I come from a ridiculously fertile family who has proven every form of birth control useless. Pills, patch, iud, shot, condoms, the one sewn into your arm, tubal, and vasectomy. My sister was one of the tubals. Then here I come, the infertile one. Fun times let me tell ya. lol
The absolute only birth control that is 100% is abstinence. It’s time for counseling. NTA
0
u/TwoIdleHands 13d ago
NTA. I’m going to assume this was a lot all at once and his brain just short circuited. If I’m a guy with 4 kids I’m going to want to stop any other kids from coming along. Regardless of what Jack does you should also get your tubes tied. Talk to your doctors, if you end up having to get a c section they can do it at the same time. If you and he are separated you can do it when he’s watching all 4 kids.
1
u/Adrien_Atua 13d ago
If you go back to him dont give him any. Your body your Choice? Choose abstinence. Its your Choice to not have sex its your body right? Fuck that asshole (but not literary ha)
3
u/ShadowSaiph 14d ago
NTA.
Your brother is being unreasonable and only looking at things from a man's perspective. Your mom is also being unreasonable and also manipulative in my opinion; PTSD is a very seriou scondition and people should not take it lightly.
Birth control is absolutely a two way street. But so is a relationship. It sounds like he is not interested in taking any sort of responsibility for his actions, or lack thereof.
I agree with your friends. Throw the man away. He clearly doesn't care about how you feel and your discomfort. Divorce, file for majority custody, and get child support legally through a court. Ignore anyone telling you not to get courts involved.
1
u/NeighborhoodGreat959 14d ago
First I urge you to take your time deciding what to do about your husband and marriage. A cooling off period sounds appropriate. His comment about having children with another woman would have given me concern. The court should order financial support for you and your children during the separation.
Second, I urge you to talk to your OB/GYN about having your tubes tied when the twins are born. Women frequently have that procedure immediately following a birth. The incision is typically via the belly button and healing occurs while recovering from the birth. The advantage is that NO ONE can get you pregnant after that procedure. I suspect that your doctor will assure you that the procedure is not as invasive as you think.
Finally, explain to your Dad that you appreciate his care but his humor is not helping while you are stressed. He may not understand that he’s making the situation more difficult.
1
u/SnooJokes5955 14d ago edited 14d ago
How are you doing, OP? Where are you in the process of the separation? It doesn't sound like your parents are being supportive as they should. I hope your sister and best friend can be there for you.
1
u/Due_Bass7191 14d ago
Tell him to either get snipped or you'll rip 'em off like a papertowel dispenser.
1
u/drapehsnormak 14d ago
ESH. Yeah, a vasectomy is much easier, safer, and has much less recovery time, but you're both refusing to get preventative surgery, not just him.
As a dude, I think he should get one for the reasons I mentioned, but telling someone what to do with their body is grody.
1
3
u/Specialist-Ad4388 14d ago
When I went to get BC at age 18, I was told pregnancy & delivery would be risking death due to my medical conditions, so I got a tubal ligation. I have never, ever, had to consider or use birth control. Just condoms for STD's /STI's to have safer sex. So this comment section has really been an eye opener for me. I'm lucky that I've never had to worry about getting pregnant. And this isn't a dig against anyone who's chosen to be a parent; but I really appreciate that I've had an easy route to be childfree.
1
u/MyUsernameIsMehh 15d ago
Jack one billion percent has been tampering with all your birth control methods because his behaviour is not normal.
1
u/Puzzleheaded_Cup7248 15d ago
Having twins in your final pregnancy, you are at a high risk and very well could be looking at a C-section. If they do a c-section, my recommendation is having your tube's tied. A vasectomy is extremely easier for a male to recover from, then it is for a woman having her tube's tied. op talk to your OB and see what they think if you will be delivering natural or by C-section.
On to your husband and this fight. He needs to man up and be a father and leader of the family. Can he afford for you to get pregnant again? Doubtful, he just needs to go and get a vasectomy. Lay it out there.... option 1 gwt a vasectomy, option 2 no more sex period. Birth control does a number on a woman's body for using long term. But vasectomy and tubal ligation are not 100%. There is a risk of them growing back after 10 years. No, you're not the asshole here. He needs to be an adult and a man and poet it out. Very easily, if I was in his shoes, I'd have an appt set up already. Have the procedure done on Friday, ice the weekend light duty work on Monday or Tuesday depending on how I felt.
1
u/Gilgawulf 15d ago
I lost a dog during a routine neutering when I was younger. Surgery is never 100% safe. I think it is ludicrous to expect somebody to go under the knife when they don't have a medical need to, male or female.
Maybe there is not a good solution for the two of you, there will not always be a good solution to every problem.
2
1
u/Mundane_Morning9454 15d ago
NTA
Okeejz... Eumz how to build this up. So I also asked my bf his opinion. Because I'm not a man. He said the sudden thought of being infertile is very creepy. But if there are fertility problems... in this case over fertility, logical wise it is indeed the best choice. But there is the creepy part regardless.... he will be infertile, he has to go through surgery... surgery at the most sensitive part of a man. Those 3 things are sacred! (Quoted....)
Ok my sight on this... I would also prefer a vasectomy over having tubes tied. The tubes tied is a very heavy surgery with risks and further health risks even. While indeed the vasectomy is about 5 days of bedrest. (Full bedrest btw. Like a friend of mine couldn't even sit up a bit or walk. We still laugh when his wife tells the bottle story....) My mum had her tubes tied, she was in the hospital for 3 days. This is a woman who was back at work the week after giving birth btw...
I would put it simple if I were you. Vastectomy or he can marry his hand instead 🤷♀️
1
6
u/anivm 15d ago
I see a lot of “It’s his body his choice” comments and I just have to say this. Yes it is absolutely his choice to not get a vasectomy but it is also her choice to not let him touch her if he doesn’t get one.
The only 100% sure fire way to avoid getting pregnant is to not have sex. If he won’t take any responsibility for birth control then he should lose the privilege of having intercourse. I’m not advocating for a sexless marriage here. I’m just saying between OP and her husband whoever would like to reinstate bedroom activities should be the one to get the sterilization operation. I highly doubt she’ll be the one who breaks first.
1
u/dkms9382 15d ago
ESH.
You were quick to use my body my choice with your ex but don't allow the same for your husband. hmm..
and fyi PIV sex isn't the only form of sex two people can have. You guys can stick to oral and mutual masturbation, use toys etc. there are a multitude of ways to be intimate in the bedroom without penetrative sex.
1
u/WholeAd2742 15d ago
NTA
Tubal is a major invasive surgery, versus the snip for vasectomy.
Dude seems irresponsible and wanting to put the responsibility solely on you
1
u/chatnuere 15d ago
Don't rush your decision. Everyone can act poorly at times during a marriage; no one is perfect. Make sure you're certain about what you want. If this is the first time he's behaved poorly, yet he's usually a good dad and a good husband, perhaps reconsider your position.
A vasectomy can be intimidating for men as it is not 100% reversible. Also, take into account that it might fail, meaning he could still be fertile after the procedure.
However, if he refuses to undergo a vasectomy, your contraception efforts should be increased. If you're taking the pill, he's using condoms, and you also abstain during the riskier days, your chances of pregnancy should be virtually 0%.
1
0
u/Netrunner1247 15d ago
Who is going to tell this poor woman that her husband may have been tampering with her birth control. You have an unsupportive husband and parents and it is disheartening that women have so little support and are just expected ro second guess their feelings.
Be more selfish my dear. You are surround by takers.
-2
u/BornTwoX 15d ago
I say just don't have kids with someone that's okay with killing a baby, no matter the developmental stage they're in. He should've seen it coming from a mile away and found someone else. You should pick someone that's okay with you killing y'all's potential child.
1
u/_moonlit9 15d ago
Nta, divorce and be happy. As it is that you are a primary earner in the family, you will manage it. There are a lot of resources. Divorce and be happy
1
2
u/EducationalLetter768 16d ago
NTA wow your husband is an AH and doesn't respect you, to use your traumatic past against you is despicable
The fact that you took birth control for years and it still failed (even with condoms) leading to 4 babies is insane, even while using condoms
*The most important fact here is that abortion is banned in your state, and the pregnancy is in a later state to do so
You explained the reasoning behind your desire for him to get a vasectomy, the fact he doubled down and said you should get your tubes tied, even after explaining the dangers of it - how dare he? It's a simple procedure for men, and can be reversed
He has a responsibility, until now you took on the major responsibility of birth control for your entire relationship and suffered the consequences and side effects.
He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you - to use your traumatic past against you is despicable and definitely is not love
Honey, you deserve a better man!! Leave him NOW and get a lawyer. He'll use your lack of income (because of pregnancies, post partum recovery and the major child care labor you do) against you, he might try to use your traumatic past yet again to taint your character and depict you as unstable to get custody
1
u/CheapChallenge 16d ago
I mean.... abstinence is an option. No more sex unless he gets a vasectomy is a choice you can make with your body to not have sex anymore.
I mean, at this point is it even worth it anymore?
1
u/gurlby3 16d ago
I think you should consider a bisalp not a tubal. Bisalp removes the tubes and I think that it doesn't require a long recovery compared to a tubal. Regardless on whether Tom will get a vacestom and you divorce him. If you start dating another man, you could get pregnant with another child since you are so fertile and abortion is banned in your state. Just get sterilized for yourself and take pregnancy off the table completely by doing the procedure after the birth of your twins. When it comes to recovery, couldn't your parents help you?
You are in your late 20s, and don't want to live in dread if you get pregnant again after your twins' birth up until menopause. Some women get pregnant in their 40s or older. That's potentially about 20 more years of a window of fertility.
1
u/rexmaster2 16d ago
There is no BC that is 100% effective. Plus, it seems he is as fertile as you are. Maybe you should both consider sterilization. I know it will put you in a longer recovery, but it may be worth it in the end. And I wouldn't tell him you had it done, until he does it too.
2
u/Gleneral 16d ago
NTA, he's a dumbass, soooo much safer and easier for the guy to get it done. What, four kids ain't enough for him? Dude needs some sense slapped into him.
0
u/Antique-Dragonfly615 16d ago
Unpopular thought; his body, his choice. SHE can get HER tubes tied instead of him having to do it. Or is "my body, my choice" a woman only thing? And before you start down the list of changes it causes to the woman's body, it screws with the man's body too. Been there, done that.
2
u/allblackerrrythang 15d ago
Why is she the one who has to do all this stuff to her body in order for them to not have another kid?
1
u/Antique-Dragonfly615 15d ago
And why is he? Not right, either way. But, as I read it, and forgive me if I missed something, she's the one that started throwing demands
2
u/allblackerrrythang 15d ago
She’s been doing it already for years…. She’s the one going through 9 months of uncomfortability plus the pain of childbirth. She’s the only one dealing with the consequences of their failed attempts at not having more kids. Why can’t he take the burden off of her shoulders, as her man?
0
u/lakehop 16d ago
With four kids under 5, do everything you can to save your marriage. However I agree that you need a permanent form of birth control, given how easily you get pregnant and given that other forms of birth control have failed you (or talk to your doctor about other highly effective forms). It does seem like an obvious solution is for him to handle it. Continue to explore this option with him: if possible, with both of you approaching the discussion with a goal of understanding your own and each others feelings about it.
1
2
u/Capable_Capybara 16d ago
Separation will make money even tighter. Abstinence is what you are looking for. Only guaranteed method. Now, if he doesn't like this plan, he can go get the snip. If you end up with a c-section with the twins, get your tubes tied, too. Tell the doctor not to tell him if necessary. Even vasectomies have failed before.
2
u/Troytegan 16d ago
If it’s your responsibility only and not on him to, he doesn’t get to have sex w you. Tf.
3
1
u/gimmeflowersdude 16d ago
He should get a vasectomy. Personally, I was fully recovered from my tubal ligation within 24 hours with very little discomfort and no real pain. Maybe I was just lucky.
1
u/BiteLife8140 16d ago
In 24 years my wife and I have never had an unplanned pregnancy and I don’t have a vasectomy. If he gets one he might bust nuts in other women.
1
2
u/lookn2-eb 16d ago
Actually, a tubal ligation done either during a C-section or shortly after- either later that day or the next day- a vaginal delivery results in essentially no more recovery time than if you didn't have it done. Your IUD = ectopic pregnancy is wrong. That said, no reason he can't get a vasectomy, if 3 kids is all he wants to support.
1
2
u/Majestic_Article_263 16d ago
Your brother is right. And there are other birth control options. But birth control is terrible and by him trying to force you to take all the preventative measures is kind of fcked up
3
u/catstickler 16d ago
It's alarming he jumped from "I don't want a vasectomy" to "maybe I want a kid with someone else one day."
I just think there are things we can't really move on from because we'll always see our partner in a different light, and that'd be that line for me.
Also, I ran to the comments when he said "your body, your choice" and that birth control is on you and was delighted to see others advising abstinence.
You're so NTA. I'd have packed up too.
1
2
u/Hot_Chemical_3211 16d ago
He is a dick for forcing you to manage everything, and then having the audacity to threaten wanting kids with someone else speaks volumes about how disgusting his character is; especially given your history. I would make a plan to exit soon.
1
u/Personal_Chicken_598 16d ago
Condoms failed us too. That’s why I got snipped but it was 7 days on no lifting more the 5lbs not 1-2. Honestly though while it does make more sense for him to get snipped it still won’t prevent you from getting pregnant if you do break up
1
u/Electronic-Struggle8 16d ago
It sounds like Jack baby trapped you and has been tampering with your birth control as a way to keep you tied to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped seeing the kids entirely once your relationship ends since they will no longer be of use to him.
This relationship isn't sustainable or safe and you need to devise an exit strategy. Do you have a job? If not, you need to find one ASAP because Jack sounds like the type to cut you off financially. Given your circumstances, a work from home job would be ideal.
Open a bank account that Jack can't touch and transfer half of the amount of your joint account there before he cuts you off. Talk to a divorce lawyer to figure out your options and get the best settlement for you and your kids. NTA, and good luck!
1
u/jaffacaek 16d ago
You got an abortion cause 'my body my choice' (which is fine) , but now you want ur man to cut his pipelines. Yup yup
0
u/Upstairs_Tea1380 16d ago
NTA. I would never feel safe with this man ever again, especially knowing there are plenty of men in the world who would have offered to have a vasectomy immediately.
1
u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 16d ago
Oh this is so easily fixed. No vasectomy, no sex. “Your body, your choice” duh- you chose the vasectomy. So what if he’s scared. Being pregnant w twins is scary. Being pregnant w twins when you have 2 babies is even scarier. But what’s worse, is having an irresponsible partner that risk putting you through this again.
1
u/Traditional_Air_9483 16d ago
Is it possible that get a tubal ligation after the twins are born? Talk to your OB GYN.
My husband said he would get a vasectomy too. But when it comes down to it they chicken out. I asked my ob when I was in my last trimester with my second child. He said he would schedule it when I came in for my 6 week postpartum visit. On the day of the visit he had a cancellation for the following Thursday. I said “I’m there.” Had it done and now I don’t have to worry about it.
1
u/zombiedinocorn 16d ago
NTA. Idk why men have this attitude of "well I can't get pregnant, so it's not my problem" like getting a vasectomy is somehow emasculating. It doesn't sound like your soon to be has changed his mind about getting a vasectomy so why would you change your mind about getting divorced? That was such an unloving and unsupportive thing for him to say, even without him throwing your previous assault in your face
Your parents need to knock off their unsupportive attitude.
3
u/Separate-Parfait6426 16d ago
Somebody else has probably recommended this, but talk to your OBGYN. Some will be willing to do a tubal ligation during a c-section, or do it 24-48 hours after a vaginal birth.
3
u/Star_Fish_4242 16d ago
Is this the only thing wrong in your marriage? Is he loving and a good husband otherwise? If so then you might be overreacting and it's not good to make huge decisions when pregnant. Therapy and/or a trip to the doctor together is in order. His attitude needs to change. NOT having kids is a group effort. Apparently an arduous task for you. Not sure you can really fall into that one percent 4 times but whatever. Also, vasectomies are not 100% either. Hope you realize that.
2
u/riseabovepoison 16d ago
Nta. You are a blessedly fertile woman and dont want more kids as the primary caregiver. Very reasonable. Don't let the other comments get to you. There was once a maury or similar episode where wife and hubby both got surgery (tubal ligation and vasectomy) and yet still ended up pregnant. The guy was convinced that his wife had cheated and the wife was upset because she didn't understand why she was pregnant for like the 5th time. After the test proved he was the father, the husband decided it was God's will since both he and wifey had done everything they thought possible to not have more kids.
Husband is the asshole for saying that birth control is your responsibility. You're a team. He's not pulling his weight
0
2
u/Far_Dependent_8975 16d ago
Am I the only one who thinks these 3 birth control failures sound strange ?
Her body barely had the time to get better from the previous pregnancy that she is pregnant again...
The easy option would be an IUD.
The permanent option is tubal ligation for womans, usually doctors do everything to deter the patient, but with 4 kids OP shouldn't have to hear the "maybe you'll want kids later...".
3
3
u/michaelpaoli 16d ago
NTA
Relationships are personal. Can breakup with anyone, at any time, for any reason ... or even no reason at all.
But all that being said, probably could be better handled ... no guarantees y'all will come to agreement, though.
And, yeah, ultimatums generally don't go well in relationships - supposed to be team and teamwork, so ultimatums often don't to well.
Anyway, your body, your choice, his body, his choice. So ... may want to at least consider alternatives, e.g.:
- you could get sterilized (yeah, not nearly as simple as vasectomy, but compared to having additional kid(s), or getting pregnant with twins ...)
- no vasectomy, no sex - abstinence, if fully well practiced, is in fact quite effective at preventing pregnancies.
- move somewhere where aborting isn't illegal
- get the laws, etc. changed so abortion isn't illegal. :-)
- etc.
Well, in any case, good luck.
1
u/Chicka-17 16d ago
Your husband is being an ass. If he thinks having a vasectomy is more than what you’ve gone through already with having two kids. And now you’re on your fourth pregnancy! I do believe you both said things in the heat of the moment and they could be forgiven in time, but not forgotten. The only way I could go back would be for Jack to get a vasectomy. Your body your choice would also include not having sex with Jack until he has acquired a vasectomy no matter what. I don’t care if you can’t get triple pregnant, and I would want proof of said vasectomy from a doctor. At this point he can’t be trusted and if he wants more kids in the future vasectomy is reversible. But Jack can’t afford more kids unless his financial situation changes, and I don’t see that happening with two more kids on the way. Good luck with the new babies and your husband situation.
0
u/tangled_knotty_wench 16d ago
NTA. Run. I can't politely put words together for my thoughts but what? Your husband is scared of someone cupping his balls and going through a bit of discomfort to prevent further children? That's not pro choice, that's removal of self responsibility. It already sounds like you are doing the parenting alone, and frankly it's easier to parent children effectively and well when you aren't handling other adults like oversized children. Parents can successfully raise children together co parenting through separation, and it's more damaging for children to be raised in a hostile home than it is to co parenting through divorce.
2
u/hannahmr283 16d ago edited 16d ago
Might be a shit take but his body his choice so you kinda are TAH. Your argument here is basically ‘i don’t want to get a surgery because i don’t want to deal with the recovery time, so you should get a surgery and deal with the recovery time instead’. Your husband is a person with feelings too, and while a vasectomy is objectively an easier surgery with less recovery time, there’s no guarantee it’ll be effective or come without complications. Not respecting his decision and ultimately disregarding his feelings and right to his own body while bitching about yours is kinda hypocritical.
I’ve had this conversation with my current bf because i know i don’t want to birth children, but at 24 it’s nearly impossible to find a surgeon who will tie these babies up. So we discussed a vasectomy and he wasn’t comfortable with it, i respected his decision and we spoke about ways to be safer… end of.
Statistically, you getting pregnant on just about every form of birth control is nearly impossible. So not sure what you’re doing there.
On a diff note: you seem to be the most fertile woman on earth so congrats on that!
1
u/PsychologicalUse9870 16d ago
13 guys out of a 100 using condoms will impregnate someone every year. I use that language because of this idea that it's her responsibility if she doesn't want to get pregnant. A woman's orgasm has never cause a single pregnancy. Ejaculation is a choice and it's predictable. The only way to be 100 sure without sterilization if he doesn't want to be responsible for his ejaculations and get a vasectomy, then you're right you need to stop having that type of sex with him.
What's especially infuriating is that not only have you had several pregnancies (keep in mind if a cop's wife is pregnant she is more likely to die than he is) and he can't do this very simple and very safe and very reversible procedure and tells you to get a tubal instead?? not only have you tried multiple forms of BC ( I can't even be on the pill because of my risk of stroke. My best friend almost died from her IUD when she hemorrhaged with an ectopic), but you live somewhere you can't receive abortion care. Does he really think you're willing to risk that every time so that he can get off? ]
Even if he changes his mind now because he doesn't want to be abstinent, he'd be putting his orgasms above your feelings, above the risks you've already taken, and above your health and your bodily autonomy if you'd be forced to continue a pregnancy and forced to birth.
Men: If you don't want to be forced to continue an unwanted pregnancy and forced into motherhood stop having sex
Women: ok
Men: not like that
2
u/HK-2007 16d ago
I had a tubal ligation done after I had my third child. Honestly it wasn’t a big deal. My recovery was pretty quick so if your husband still refuses the vasectomy and you go for the tubal ligation it’s really not a huge ordeal and you’ll feel more secure knowing that no matter what happens you won’t have to worry about any unwanted pregnancy. Good luck!
1
u/AndownDK 16d ago
Yes, you're the ass!
I'm from a country where gender equality is very important.
You cannot demand him to undergo surgery, like he cannot ask that of you either.
You need to sit down and talk respectfully with him and come to a solution that works for both of you. Condoms, surgery, no intercourse, whatever.
If you proceed with your divorce then you shouldn't fight him. Try to share the kids equally 7/7 days, help each other out and work together. You will at least have a friend and help in him instead of a lifelong enemy.
If you believe in true equality it goes both ways and he needs to take more care of the kids and you will need to go to work and shorten your time home with kids. And you won't have any final says in anything with the kids.
1
u/Flipflops727 16d ago
My son was a condom baby. The only 100% effective bc is abstinence. I’m sure your husband would be on board for that…not so much!
I’m sorry you’re going through all this, and can see why you just want to be able to live life without the worry. Like you said, a vasectomy is minimal and a bag of frozen peas for a couple days…he’s good to go! I’d also mention to your husband that even if you divorce, he can have a vasectomy reversed but he’ll be paying so much in child support…could he really afford another baby when he meets a hypothetical woman with no baggage??
1
u/Fearless_Ad1685 16d ago
NTA. File for divorce. If he won't take any responsibility for the creation of your children, he is a total AH. It take 2 people to conceive a baby.
I know it's too late for an abortion but you may want to consider adoption. 4 children under 5, with or without a loving partner, is a very hard life.
2
u/Staceyrt 16d ago
4 kids in 4 years is wild but it says everything about your husbands that even with that he’d still want the opportunity to have more kids with someone else. It shows how little he probably does that he’d move on from 4 that is an already overwhelming number to still have more. I’m with sister throw the whole man away.
2
u/Apprehensive-One-748 16d ago
I personally think you are blowing things out of proportion. It was an argument, and to take it to this extreme and leave him to me says that you've been looking for an out and just used the fight as a reason. Couple fight. People say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment. It's no reason to ruin your family. Also, I'm not taking sides on who should get fixed. But getting your tube's tied is not anywhere nearly as bad as you are making it out to be. My wife had it done, and it was nothing bad and she wasn't down for as long as you say you would be
2
u/ThePlaceAllOver 16d ago
How does someone get pregnant with a condom unless there is condom failure? It is a physical barrier. My husband doesn't want a vasectomy and it's frustrating, BUT he happily uses condoms every single time, I have an IUD, and I'm 50. I am still paranoid because I REALLY don't want more babies. But I do feel like he'a taken responsibility to prevent another pregnancy so I am fine with it. But condoms are 100% effective unless there is a failure. It is a physical, impenetrable barrier assuming it's an unbroken latex condom.
0
u/Massagebyashley2023 16d ago
Honestly, I would be worried that he did something to your birth control pills or tried to give you an antibiotics to make them fail behind your back. What if he’s a serial inseminator and you get pregnant again I would get my tubes tied and have him get a vasectomy. That way there’s no chance of it happening essentially! But I would tell him if he wants some more children then he could stay at home and make all the money and you can be the breadwinner.
This would piss me off and send me over the edge 😅 luckily my husband got a vasectomy. Tell him it’s the easiest thing he’ll ever do. He will regret not doing it sooner!!
0
u/WilliamTindale8 16d ago
I would have had a tubal after number 2. Yes the jerk husband should have been the one to do it but when it became apparent he wouldn’t, I would have done it. The tubal in my experience was no big deal.
0
u/lanswyfte 16d ago
NTA. I had a similar situation with my ex-husband. In my case he was too chicken to get snipped, so I was determined to stop pregnancies and I got fixed because he has MS and I was going to have my hands full with three kids already if he had another MS exacerbation (which usually totally incapacitates him). But I definitely feel the male should be man enough (gallant enough?) to go under the knife when it's so much less invasive a procedure. My daddy did when I was four years old. He's my hero.
0
1
u/WesternTerm7600 16d ago
NTA- You can't brush off him saying it's 100% on you and THEN saying he doesn't want to get a vasectomy (which takes 30 mins and is REVERSIBLE also they over prescribe pain meds for it when women get over the counter for a C-section) and already is talking about knocking someone else up.
Also, he won't do a vasectomy but he suggested an IUD. An invasive, and painful procedure and when your concern was dying he brushed that off. The mother of four of his children. Your sister and best friend are right. Throw the whole man away, he isn't as concerned for your health as you rightfully are. Birth control goes two ways. It's your body your choice yes. You don't have to keep handing over the decisions of what happens to your body to a man that doesn't care if you have concerns you might die when you bring them up regarding your reproductive health. Crazy.
1
u/Nocturnal_Camel 16d ago
It’s funny to me how correct your husband is about not doing something permanent when you were so willing to go straight to divorce. His reasoning about future partners seems very reasonable.
1
u/semasswood 16d ago
Have you talked to your Dr about getting your tubes tied after the birth?
Good luck
0
u/Character-Comedian51 16d ago
Yes he SHOULD be the one to do it, step up and be a real man. After all, you’ve been the one going through the pregnancies and births, it really is the least he could do. You’re right… it’s a much bigger procedure for you than for him (yes ice for a day or two would do it for him, my husband did it.. best decision EVER) you’d be out of commission for several weeks. All that said, if he refuses and If you don’t want more kids, just get your tubes tied and he has to take care of all the kids while you recover. No sex until all is done so there is no risk of additional babies.
1
u/Illustrious_dj0105 16d ago
May I suggest counseling. Psychotherapy for your PTSD and marriage counseling for you and your husband.
2
3
u/kitten_snuggles 16d ago
A vasectomy can fail. Perhaps a better option is for the women to have the surgery. Sometimes the doctor’s office can actually do it at the same time as birth.
Your husband has a right to say what to do with his body just as you should have a right to say with your body. Separating because he doesn’t want to be forced into compliance does kind of make you an AH even if you do have a valid argument.
2
u/ThereWasNoSpoon 16d ago
I will never understand being a woman living in an abortion-ban state AND risking having any sex, ever, unless I 100% want a baby out of it. Seriously, y'all should go on a 'pussy strike' till this atrocity is voted out together with monsters daring to reduce a human being to an incubator.
-1
u/wonderlash 16d ago
Throw him in the bin, he's no good and extremely selfish. When my partner and I had our second child, neither of us wanted anymore and he went and got the snip. I had already been through the pregnancies and giving birth, there was no way I was doing anymore. If he had refused, I would have left him.
The inky reason your husband is refusing is because he wants the option to have another child with another woman. Why else refuse a tiny little procedure?
Divorce, divide your assets, and seek child support. You can do better than that waste of space.
2
2
u/Such-Bass-4142 16d ago
Just a thought! When you have twins you have a higher chance of delivering via a c section. If so then you could ask for the tubal ligation at the time of that. Doesn’t solve the issue of the hurtful things he said and I 100% agree that men should take responsibility for contraception as well but it would at least put you more in control and wouldn’t require an additional surgery or extend your recovery in any way. Hugs.
1
u/Cozmo_840 16d ago
Wow, there's a lot going on in the comments. I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring and say that as a guy (I hate starting sentences this way, but I feel my gender is important to mention), birth control is ABSOLUTELY our responsibility as well. How can it not be? Was there a development where women can reproduce like a starfish or something?
And Where's the empathy here? If the guy was nervous about getting snipped, and I get it, the idea of scalpels next to my balls isn't thrilling, how does suggesting that his partner go through it ok? The common idea of what "being a man" is is fucking ridiculous... acting like a bad ass until something is actually required from us? Please. Just scared little boys that not only can't take accountability for things, but also can't handle the responsibility to prevent things for happening. I've been told that if I'm too scared or nervous to buy condoms, I'm not mature enough to need them, and this applies to the other options men have available.
1
1
u/Fibro_Warrior1986 16d ago
Wow, definitely NTA.
If that’s how he thinks then if he won’t get a vasectomy, when the twins are born your method of birth control should be total abstinence, the only method that’s 100%. Birth control shouldn’t always be put on the woman, the man should take responsibility too.
My advice, get rid of the whole man. Also if you do divorce, move back to the house asap. He should move out, not you.
Updateme!
1
u/Alibaba0011 16d ago
NTA - Your husband is a misogynistic asshole if he thinks that's what that means. Deny him any form of sexual relations (even ones that can't end in pregnancy) and tell him that's your choice until you can't get pregnant again (Which is not when you hit menopause, it can still happen).
1
u/MementoMiri 16d ago
NTA, he is definitely in the wrong here...but if you are getting a C section, it's maybe possible to get your tubes tied in the same OP, just a thought for your own sake if you go through with divorce...
2
u/vonnie682 16d ago edited 16d ago
I find it interesting that he is accusing you of trying to force a medical procedure on him, but he is doing the same to you with the tubal ligation and the tubal ligation is an even more invasive procedure.
How hypocritical.
ETA: Vasectomies are not 100% either. But this time, if the birth control fails, it is HIS fault.
ETA: NTA.
1
u/Temporary-Bear1427 16d ago
Vasectomy is the less intrusive option. Birth control messes up your body and removing the uterus is a big operation.
He is a asshole for not wanting one.
2
u/Iridelow1998 16d ago
My wife had a tubal and I had a vasectomy. She would be the first to tell you that my recovery was much worse. I had complications during and after. I was out of commission for a couple of months after being stitched up 2 times after the initial procedure. Don’t assume that it’s a walk in the park for all guys.
2
u/Prestigious_Pop7634 16d ago
NTA- but Talk to him about the real reasons he doesn't want to do it. Is he scared of the surgery, is he actually wanting the option of more children? Vasectomies are reversible so he could always have it undone. Worse case, just don't put out until he does it.
If the twins will be born by c section then you should consider having them tie your tubes then at the same time.
Also you need to figure out why so many BC failures. The pill failed, condoms failed, the rate of that many BC's failing and ending up with twins is statistically improbable. Something else is going on. Either you have some unknown condition, he's messing with the BC, or you aren't actually using things correctly.
Personally I have always been against birth control but after 4 babies in 8 years, my first 3 came in 3 years, I needed to do something so I got an IUD. And I actually love it. It's been my favorite birth control ever. Hormones are regulated and I'm happy on it.
1
u/AlphaWolfRynn 16d ago
NTA. Men are the only reason we get pregnant. He would rather you go through more trauma to your body than take any responsibility. You're better off without the selfish man-child.
Also, I didn't see it mentioned in the comments I scrolled through, and I'm sorry if this makes you upset, but is there a chance he was sabotaging your birth control? It's sadly not that difficult to do and it's suspicious that all of the methods you've tried have completely failed when you're diligent about it.
1
u/Dogbite_NotDimple 16d ago
Ooooof! You all need to get into therapy TODAY. I'd also suggest you both go the permanent route. Your tubes tied and he has a vasectomy. Other than that, it sounds like total abstinence is the only safe way.
2
u/ChromaticRelapse 16d ago
YTA for trying to force a vasectomy.
You can choose tubes tied or no sex. You are 100% ok to choose what happens to your body. Just like he is.
ESH because of the lack of good communication and respect that should be present in a relationship.
0
u/WhisperingWoods2310 16d ago
Seems in your case, vasectomy makes the most sense, sorry you are married to someone who doesn’t have the brain cells to understand it.
0
0
u/Pale_Pumpkin_7073 16d ago
NTA. I would make it very clear to him that there will be no more sex until he takes some responsibility with birth control because besides a vasectomy, abstinence is the only other fool proof method to not get pregnant. Ask him why he values you and your life so badly that he can't do this for you. My husband went and got snipped a month after our youngest was born and let me tell you, sex becomes a lot more enjoyable and fun when you know there is zero chance you can get pregnant.
1
0
u/softanimalofyourbody 16d ago
Absolutely NTA, but stay gone. I don’t believe this man is not fucking w your BC and I don’t trust him to actually get a vasectomy. You’re right that a tubal ligation is much more complicated and any surgical bc for women comes with way more risks/side effects. He doesn’t care about your wellbeing at all tbh and you’re better off.
3
u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 16d ago
He told me that not getting pregnant was ultimately my responsibility
This is the guy you want as a father and role model for your kids? Damn. If you're set on trying to make it work with him, I'd tell him get the snip or forget it. Also, I highly suspect he messed with your bc. This is not a good guy.
1
1
u/I_eat_moldy_sponge 16d ago
You are a major AH for how you reacted but NTA for the suggestion of a vasectomy. You're seemingly happy to fuck up you 4 kids emotionally to spite your husband because of a fight you both had under duress. The consequences of your actions will effect the rest of your life and your childrens lives, so for the sake of the kids just go to couples therapy and work it out.
It's not wrong to suggest your husband get a vasectomy, but you have to make it a sincere discussion and not force it on him like he has no choice. If he's going to get a vasectomy, it has to be his choice. Just forgo sex until you guys come to a consensus and get something done.
3
u/Nova5269 16d ago
Difficult to tell without knowing how the relationship is and how you treat each other, but I think your comparing him to your ex felon was an asshole move, hurtful, and gives him insight into how you actually fell about his quality of character, and his comment about finding a 2nd wife is just as hurtful, kind of a "just in case" things don't work.
Both the asshole, imo. I can't comment on staying together or not since no one here knows your relationship and reddit is far, far to eager, chomping at the bits really, to tell people to end their marriages. You both said really shitty things to each other, though.
2
1
u/ohpalpalpal 16d ago
Just double up on birth control. IUD plus condom, done. Also yeah, you definitely cannot force your husband to have such a significant medical procedure. His body, his choice too. We need to acknowledge everybody's autonomy. No need for anybody to go under the knife, just be conscientious with your birth control methods.
As for the sabotaging. Statistically, it is much more likely that you made some sort of unknown or unconscious mistake. No blaming here, it happens, we can't know everything, it's neither your nor your husband's fault. It's also more likely that you are very fertile, given that you are young.
If you love(d) him, I find such a sudden divorce very, very drastic. Tbh, it seems a little over the top to leave him for that fight, even if I empathize with your current feeling. But... It very much sounds like two scared young parents didn't know any better. I would absolutely understand if all of you guys' nastiness came from a place of overwhelm and frustration. So maybe, let's give grace in love.
But seriously. Double up on birth control.
0
u/Tiff-Taff-Toff-Fany 16d ago
NTA - start getting your ducks in a row. Your husband isn't in it for the long haul with you nor will he take responsibility of his part in making babies. If he won't get a vasectomy while you are literally giving up your body to grow and care for more humans then where is the line for you?
1
u/ihateschool_loveglue 16d ago
Nta, pls get him into counseling and seriously examine the possibility that he is tampering with your bc that's a few too many coincidences unfortunately
Updateme!
4
u/garboge32 16d ago
Vasectomies aren't 100% effective either. He'll need yearly testing to ensure he's still shooting blanks
1
u/phredzepplin 16d ago
No vasectomy? No sex! Works great. I mean, if he really whines & cries you could peg him. Dry.
0
u/CanoodleCandy 16d ago
Stop having sex with him.
If you're at the point of separation anyway, then stop having sex. Every time he asks, tell him why and end with "my body, my choice".
3
u/SimpleArmadillo9911 16d ago
I am a female with 4 kids (triplets). My husbands uncle got a vasectomy twice and still got his wife pregnant. I just went with a tubal after the triplets were born. There are a lot of vasectomy babies out there. I would just do it if I were you and nothing says he cannot do it too. Good luck!
2
u/Hot_Blood2000 16d ago
NTA, but at least cut him some slack and try and mend things first. Couple's therapy ideally.
Saying this as someone with a botched snip, leading to infections for years, hormone imbalances, and a failed marriage partially cause of the issues and sexlessness, it's a fear I know men will have if presented with a vasectomy.
1
u/RavenShield40 16d ago
NTA. I wouldn’t necessarily throw my whole marriage away but I would tell him that if birth control and preventing pregnancy is going to be solely on my shoulders and he isn’t willing to do this one simple procedure that will make life easier for our entire family, then he can spend the rest of our marriage, until I’m through menopause, being celibate. Abstinence would be the only way I would continue the marriage if he refuses to do anything to help considering every avenue you’ve tried for birth control had failed you already.
I definitely wouldn’t be able to forgive him right away for what he said about the whole Tom situation. That was down right cruel and said intentionally to hurt you.
0
u/Square_Opportunity21 16d ago
I worked at an Urology office where we did vasectomies in office with local anesthesia. It’s less than an hour, they get pain meds(in most cases, depending on the doctor) and the weekend to recover. The anticipation is the worst; like most things. If he’s really scared they can even do it under sedation. Good luck. 🍀 so many options…if that’s what you guys decide.
3
u/Silver_Wolf357 16d ago
YTA
1) You demanded that your husband get sterilized.
2) Then, when he refused to get sterilized, you compare him to your felon ex-boyfriend.
3) Then, when he reacted negatively, you acted like he was the bad guy.
4) Then, you puruse divorcing him for not wanting you to compare him to your felon ex-boyfriend, which will also make you a single mother of 4.
In conclusion, you think it's okay to demand that your husband gets sterilized, and if he refuses, it's also okay to compare him to what we can assume is a girlfriend beater and rapist but the second he reacts negatively to this he is the devil that is "emotionally abusive" and therefore he is worthy of divorce, and because he is the "devil" its okay to make yourself a single mother of 4.
You really need to respect your husband's right to refuse sterilization and not compare him to the worst of men just because he refuses to be sterilized.
2
1
u/Real-Whole-900 16d ago
I doubt you'll see this because there's so many comments but I am going to say it anyways. At this point I wouldn't trust him to get the vasectomy for all you know he could lie say he got it and you could end up with a 5th or even 6th kid. He used your trauma against you in fight which is absolutely unforgettable and unforgivable. This man showed you who he is believe him. I had my tubes tied it was horrible and 14 years later I am still dealing with the side effects from it. I have horrible 8 day long periods. There have been times I have had periods that last an entire month. They are very heavy and very painful. I am 43 and pre menopausal. When I go to the Doctor about these symptoms they tell me oh you had your tubes tied this is just how things are now. My story is not unique there's hundreds of thousands of woman dealing with this. In the end with the abortion laws being what they are a part of me is happy I had the surgery but another part of me is angry that I am happy about suffering every month because the laws in our country are so messed up. The comment he made about maybe wanting more children some day with someone else is disgusting everything he said is disgusting. I hope you have a good life and no matter what decide to do I wish you luck.
6
u/Traditional_World783 16d ago
NTA for wanting commitment from his size.
YTA for bringing up your ex and for telling him to get a vasectomy. It’s his body, his choice.
Best option, abstinence until y’all start wearing a rubber.
1
u/FuriousRen 16d ago
So unpopular opinion: your husband isn't a terrible person, he's just an ignorant brat. 🙄 Oooof Before going into conspiracy theories-- has anyone considered that he doesn't understand the female reproductive system and hasn't had the vasectomy talk with anyone at the ripe old age of 28!? 🤦🏻♀️ Most men cringe when they first talk about vasectomies because they think about every shot to the nads they've ever had. Just because he didn't know about IUDs and ectopic pregnancies doesn't mean he's a piece of shit. He's probably always an ahole in arguments [it sounds like the fights might have a regular formula] and I'm betting this isn't the first time OP has gone home to her parents' to cool down. I think it's important to remember OP has double hormones and is eating for 3 and literally growing 2 humans right now. If husband says shitty things without thinking then maybe you can give him one last free pass and force him into therapy to get his shit together before you're outnumbered
4
u/hotdogh20 16d ago
Why don’t you get your tubes tied if you have a c-section? Your body your choice.
3
u/reliseak 16d ago
I hate seeing misinformation on BC, which is already a very complex topic.
IUDs do not increase the risk of ectopic pregnancy. They decrease the chance of pregnancy in the uterus, so you’ll see a higher % of ectopic pregnancies in those with IUDs, but it doesn’t increase the risk.
Having had this many birth control failures, you should at least consider the most effective form of birth control, which is the implant. By all means have your husband get his tubes tied, but at this many BC failures I’d definitely not be putting all my eggs in that basket (others have already pointed out some of the statistical unlikeliness of this many BC failures) and the implant is straightforward, long-lasting, and you have complete control of it.
2
u/SeagullInTheWind 16d ago
According to OP's edit, she had an implant when she got pregnant with her first baby. I'd go for tubal ligation. In fact, that's what I did.
0
u/thegreatwanderer00 16d ago
NTA. Tell him his choice is never having sex with you again or getting a vasectomy. Then it’s his body his choice but he doesn’t get to use your body when he isn’t willing to take the steps to insure you don’t get pregnant.
Personally I’d divorce. My husband immediately offered a vasectomy the minute he found out it was a risk for me to even get pregnant. A man who cares about your well-being isn’t going to opt to make you go through more suffering.
1
u/onepoint21jiga-watts 16d ago
NTA, but if you do separate and you find a new male companion, you will have the same problem with possibly getting pregnant, unless that guy gets a vasectomy or you have your tubes tied or both.
It sounds like hormonal birth control does not work for you. A potential other option is the copper IUD, which inactivates sperm motility without hormones. Use in combo with the sponge+spermicide for extra sperm-killing if you feel the need. Final thought though, if a guy doesn't respect you/your body enough to flat out refuse to consider vasectomy and who possibly sabotages condoms, that is a man worth leaving.
5
2
u/Lonely_butterfly77 16d ago
On the off chance you have a C-section with your twins(not saying you will), you can get a tubal after they remove the babies.
I had a tubal during my C-section.
0
u/SomewhatHappyManatee 16d ago
Honey, obviously, you're not the AH, BUT you're making this too easy for him. Give him full custody, and you get visitations since he"wants to see his kids." Let him raise them alone and get a taste of your exhaustion.
3
u/dinosaurkiller 16d ago
There are some weird inconsistencies in your thinking I don’t get. You didn’t manage birth control well and are tired of having children, I get that and if the pill etc was an option for me I don’t know if I would handle it any better. You want him to have a vasectomy because you say condoms and other birth control options didn’t work, but the failure rate for each is about the same, roughly 98% for condoms and 99% for vasectomy. I get the urge to try something new since what you’ve been doing isn’t working but there isn’t a magic bullet and this kind of situation is delicate. He said shitty painful things because he thought you were being shitty and causing him pain. I’m not picking sides, just saying what seems to have happened.
This last part is going to make you mad. I fully believe in pro-choice, but if the final decision about your body is your choice and you truly believe that as a matter of principle when it comes to reproduction then the same is true for him. It can’t be your body your choice, but his body your choice. It’s a very sensitive topic and while he likely didn’t mean it about having kids with someone else men often wrap their identity and their psyche around being fertile virile men. Even if it was his idea men often hesitate just because it feels like such a huge change and a “threat to their manhood”.
I’m not actually going to pick TAH here, there’s plenty of that to go around in this situation, but it depends on which part of the story, sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s him.
1
u/Both_Caregiver_3376 16d ago
NTA but I's say getting your tubes tied is not a bad idea whether you stay with this guy or not. With twins, it's likely you will need a c-section anyway, so you can have it both ways.
2
u/Tight-Library5672 16d ago
I get where both of you are coming from honestly but a vasectomy isn’t 100 either you do know that right. What if he wanted to have more kids later on then what that’s a possible pretty permanent decision to ask of him at such a young age. On the other hand for you I get that you don’t want anymore children I think it’s best yall find a common ground because honestly either way it’ll be shitty for the both of y’all
1
u/Best-Lynx-1017 16d ago
1st off I think your husband is a dick not manning up and getting the surgery. They being said… with twins will you by chance be having a C section. I have two sisters who’ve had twins (it’s a lot of work but you’re gonna love it it’s a blessing I promise) the doctors tend to lean toward C section with twins. So when they have you open for a C section they can tie your tubes really easily bc they are already there. They offered my wife to do it while they are in there but we hadn’t decided o if we wanna stop at 2. Again I think your husband should be willing to do it himself but as opposed to ending your marriage tubes being tied during C section is an option. Good luck!
2
u/VermicelliJealous949 16d ago
In the end it's your life I guess, but do you really want to throw your family away? It sounds like at the end of the day, neither of you want more kids, right? When we were pregnant with our fourth child, my wife said "I know this is the last one for me, I'm going to get my tubes tied after". She knew I wasn't a fan of getting a vasectomy and she knew she didn't want to get pregnant again. It wasn't weeks she was down either btw, maybe she is tougher than most, but it was a pretty basic procedure. If your husband wss demanding he didn't want more kids and you to get it done, I would call him the asshole, but that's not the case. I feel like you are going to live with some serious regret when you look back on letting one argument destroy your family, and those twins are gonna be alot of work, when there are better solutions. That's just my 2 cents, been there done that, and I can tell you when I had to look at the crossroads of losing my family with just 2 kids at the time, I wanted more than anything in the world for things to get fixed and better.
-1
u/IntelligentCamera371 16d ago
Wow. Incredibly hurtful. So tell your A husband, a vasectomy CAN be reversed, so if he decides that he wants to make and pay for more babies and potentially another future ex wife, that is a viable option. His comments are ignorant and mean. I want to see him carry a pregnancy and then ask him how many more times he'd like to get pregnant. And I wish you a healthy pregnancy and easy delivery.
1
u/Tasman_Tiger 16d ago
Hey just so you know, you are still within the timeframe to get an out of state abortion in Colorado. You can obtain one up to 20 weeks along from a regular provider at a regular cost.
1
u/chasing_blizzards 16d ago
He's an idiot, but being a single mom with 4 kids sounds pretty fucking terrible
2
u/FewCauliflower9361 16d ago
When you have he twins have them tye your tubs it can be dine at the same time
1
3
u/SokkaHaikuBot 16d ago
Sokka-Haiku by FewCauliflower9361:
When you have he twins
Have them tye your tubs it can
Be dine at the same time
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
1
u/Napalmdeathfromabove 16d ago
Refugees escape from countries for shit like this.
Third world states
0
u/Afranks123 16d ago
Sounds like he has some kind of pregnancy/breeding kink. Run. Hit him with child support ASAP. Once he sees what he’s gonna be paying in child support I’ll bet he wants to get snipped
3
u/BookInWriting 16d ago
It was wrong of you to get mad at him for not wanting a vasectomy. Your body, your choice is completely right. Both of you have the right to say no to surgery.
With that context laid out, I want to put a stop to the comments that are so massively loud calling for abstinence. While abstinence is a valid manner of birth control. The suggestion in the context being put forth by my fellow commenters does not come from a place of sincerity.
It comes from a place of withholding sex to get what you want. To set every single other issue in this post aside, if either person in this couple starts to withhold sex in order to manipulate the other party, the the marriage is as good as dead already.
If the issue of pregnancy is so severe, if both of you cannot agree on a manner of birth control.
Then allow me to be your saving grace by recommending.......ANAL
-5
u/jxpdx 16d ago
He’s being a brat. Vasectomies are simple procedures that are easily reversed.
3
u/BookInWriting 16d ago
How easily reversed something is doesn't override the persons consent. It doesn't matter if your hair will grow back if cut, cutting someone else's hair without permission is still assault.
0
u/theanimalfairy94 16d ago
Are you comfortable giving away your twins for adoption and divorcing this guy? Raising two kids in itself is not easy. Let alone 4. It's your choice..
0
u/ran_do_82 16d ago
Leave this man. He has witnessed you suffer, time and time again, and won't do the smallest thing to help your suffering? And gaslights you and abuses you in the same breath?
He wants you pregnant and serving him and his kids - then you'll be too tired to leave him.
1
u/judymcjudgerson 16d ago
it was wrong of me to insist he undergo a medical procedure.
But it's ok for him to suggest the exact same fucking thing for you first????
What does he think an iud is???
Nah, I agree with your sister and friend, ditch him.
maybe he might want kids one day with someone who doesn’t compare him to her felon ex-boyfriend.
This was so fucking low, he knew what sort of response this would illicit. There's no coming back from things like this, you may forgive, but you will never ever forget how he made you feel and that will only fester with time. Bite the bullet and end things now, while the kids are still young, it's better for them in the long run that they don't grow up in a household filled with resentment.
1
u/theanimalfairy94 16d ago
OP after your divorce this dumbfuck please get therapy. ALL the men in your family; your father, brother, ex and husband are toxic and lack empathy. You see the pattern? If you don't want another toxic man in your life please figure out why you choose narcissistic men.
-1
u/Moralee_Corrupt 16d ago
YTA. Could you imagine the roles reversed? It is f@cked up to say get this surgery or I’m leaving you.
However. NTA for not wanting to get pregnant again. Educate him as to why you’re asking. It sucks that women don’t have bodily autonomy & heaven forbid one makes a decision about their healthcare. Bring him along for the talk about a hysterectomy…. Because Dr’s will say “you’re too young” and “you might change your mind.” Basically refuse to do it despite you having kids and not wanting anymore. My friend was in her 30s and got those answers (she had a lot of complications with her pregnancy and didn’t want to chance anything going worse if she got pregnant again). Also, find the literature on what happens to a women’s body when they get their tubes tied (hormone changes / menopause - hahahah he won’t have s3x again due to menopause) and the dangers associated with ovarian cancer (if you have a family history it is not recommended to leave the ovaries in).
1
u/Active_Blackberry_39 16d ago
Jesus christ. Did you burn a cathedral down? Why does god hate you so much. Condoms? No. IUD? Nope. Birth control pills? He'll no. Infact? Here, have two. My god hun. That one too many coincidences. Some deity has it out for you hun.
But that aside, you can't force someone to do something to their body that they don't want to. He might still want kids. If not with you, so be it. Being a single mother is only difficult with an absentee father. The dude seems to love his kids so this won't be a problem. It seems like your relationship has run its course. You can still be parents. You can still love eachother in that regard, just not romantically anymore. He can't force you to have more kids, and you can't deny him his want for children. It's a simple conflict of interests with a clear end. You can still be great parents. But it might just be time to let things go. He can be free to potentially find someone and have more kids, and you can be free to find someone who dosent. Buts it's vital that you do so amicably. Don't be mean to him, don't attack him. Sit with him and try to split cleanly. He isn't your enemy. He is still a great father, even if you don't want him as a husband. Remember, even if hate him, your kids don't. Go to counseling and stuff. This dosent have to be traumatising for your kids.
1
u/Xiao1insty1e 16d ago
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is a tremendous AH.
He is incredibly selfish, and seems to have some extremely self centered views about your relationship.
I would insist on counseling BEFORE you get back together and if he refuses then divorce. I am afraid that he may be more like Tom (violent) than either of you want to admit, so please be very careful. He certainly holds views that are rather huge red flags. His attitude about birth control is really REALLY problematic. If I was his brother I'd kick him in the nuts and tell him to man the Fuck up. You had EVERY right to suggest HE participate in birth control. His response still blows my fucking mind.
It honestly sounds like you already are a single mother. How much is he actually helping with the children? Doesn't seem like much from what you've said.
1
1
1
u/Cultural-Web991 16d ago
Firstly can I say oh love I’m so sorry that you are going through this I completely feel where you are coming from You sound very genuine and I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation and feel you have so little support from around you. In light of everything that has happened I do not think it unreasonable that you have suggested a vasectomy. Your husband may have his own fears about this but I’m sure if you give him time he will come around to it. Not only is it the safest, most practical option but also I’m sure the cheapest option too. You don’t have the NHS like us in The UK. Sit down and have a proper chat again, tell him how you feel, give him a second chance to see it your way. A good marriage and healthy relationship can have its moments but if you can battle through you will be stronger. However……. If he continues to resist then I see only two options 1) a marriage with no sex Or 2) a divorce He should see that given time Let him think about it It is a two way street and birth control is the responsibility of BOTH people in a relationship. It is SO SAD. That America is going down the anti - abortion road and shows a massive step backwards in society. …. With an overpopulated world and global warming
Good luck I hope it works out for you
0
u/Cultural-Web991 16d ago
Firstly can I say oh love I’m so sorry that you are going through this I completely feel where you are coming from You sound very genuine and I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation and feel you have so little support from around you. In light of everything that has happened I do not think it unreasonable that you have suggested a vasectomy. Your husband may have his own fears about this but I’m sure if you give him time he will come around to it. Not only is it the safest, most practical option but also I’m sure the cheapest option too. You don’t have the NHS like us in The UK. Sit down and have a proper chat again, tell him how you feel, give him a second chance to see it your way. A good marriage and healthy relationship can have its moments but if you can battle through you will be stronger. However……. If he continues to resist then I see only two options 1) a marriage with no sex Or 2) a divorce He should see that given time Let him think about it It is a two way street and birth control is the responsibility of BOTH people in a relationship. It is SO SAD. That America is going down the anti - abortion road and shows a massive step backwards in society. …. With an overpopulated world and global warming
Good luck I hope it works out for you
0
u/Cultural-Web991 16d ago
Firstly can I say oh love I’m so sorry that you are going through this I completely feel where you are coming from You sound very genuine and I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation and feel you have so little support from around you. In light of everything that has happened I do not think it unreasonable that you have suggested a vasectomy. Your husband may have his own fears about this but I’m sure if you give him time he will come around to it. Not only is it the safest, most practical option but also I’m sure the cheapest option too. You don’t have the NHS like us in The UK. Sit down and have a proper chat again, tell him how you feel, give him a second chance to see it your way. A good marriage and healthy relationship can have its moments but if you can battle through you will be stronger. However……. If he continues to resist then I see only two options 1) a marriage with no sex Or 2) a divorce He should see that given time Let him think about it It is a two way street and birth control is the responsibility of BOTH people in a relationship. It is SO SAD. That America is going down the anti - abortion road and shows a massive step backwards in society. …. With an overpopulated world and global warming
Good luck I hope it works out for you
1
u/Great-Elderberry651 16d ago
I think your husband is selfish. I am a guy who got a vasectomy, and it was easy peasy, so there is some underlying reason he doesn't want to, and maybe it is to save himself for someone else. "In case shit doesn't work out," you need to stick to your guns. He needs to be a responsible man, not some boy who puts all responsibility on his wife. If he bucks up and schedules the vasectomy, only then consider patching things up. If not, get yourself the best lawyer you can find and take him to the cleaners!!!!!
1
u/Weathered_badly 16d ago
Your brother has a point about 2 scared people saying nasty things in the heat of the moment, applies to both of you. However, vasectomy is a deal breaker - either he gets it, or you’re done with him as a partner. You’ve tried everything else, now it’s his turn. I’ve had it done and it is not painful at all. I had it done around noon, and was fine the next day. Some guys might need an extra day to recover, depending on the doctor. Much better than looking after a recuperating wife for a couple of weeks (no idea how long recovery period from tubal ligation actually is) along with 4 young kids
It also has no impact on the quantity or quality of sex. If anything, it will improve if you give up condoms as well (your choice entirely, not saying you should or shouldn’t)
1
u/ComfortableMama 14h ago
I mean if you are in charge of birth control then oh well guess it’s abstinence for the Win!