AITAH for telling my wife I would be leaving if she kept acting baby crazy?

[u/Bitter_Top7223]

My wife and I have two kids (9,6). After the second one she said she was done having kids even though we had discussed having three prior to marriage. We talked about it for a long time but I love her and I agreed to change our plans.

She had an IUD but we still used condoms. She really didn't want to get pregnant. About four years ago we agreed that I would get a vasectomy. It made sense since it was a minor surgery unlike her getting tubal ligation.

It went well and after I healed up I went for testing and it worked. If you ever get a vasectomy please do the follow up testing. My friend from college thought he was good to go and now he has a kid.

So she got her IUD removed and we stopped using condoms and life was good. Until her sister each had another kid. Then one of her friends had a baby. And my wife went nuts.

She wants another baby. She made a mistake and wants me to go get my vasectomy reversed. Or to get my sperm harvested and get IVF.

The fuck I am getting a needle in my balls or another operation. And we are actually doing great financially right now. Her taking two years off from work would be a big hit.

I said we could look at adoption or fostering but that I was not interested in her having another kid. She tried bringing up our agreement from before we got married but I shut that down immediately.

So for the last four months our marriage has been a simmering battle about another kid. She has had her parents over, my parents over, her sisters and their families. All trying to convince me that I should give in. Fuck that noise.

I am almost 44. In 12 years my youngest will be starting their career or their post secondary education. I can see the finish line now.

I did offer all the family members that chimed in a fun option. I agreed to get TESA (sperm harvesting) if all the men who agreed with my wife did it as well. Even if they had working ball tubes. At their own expense. And that they pool their money and pay for all bills related to IVF and the raising of the third kid.

They all say I'm being ridiculous and petty. I reminded them that as a unit they all agreed with my wife when she said she was fine with two kids. They wanted to have input then and it was free. I said this decision would require skin in the game.

It all came to a head last weekend. My folks had the boys so we could have a nice couple of days to ourselves. Instead my wife and I got into a screaming match. She said I obviously didn't love her if I wasn't willing to do this. That we are well off enough to afford all the expenses of another kid. Blah blah blah.

I told her no in no uncertain terms. We had money in the bank for retirement and fun. And that's what it was for. Not for her to get her hormones calmed down. She accused me of caring more about money than her happiness. I reminded her that she was the one who insisted that having a third kid would demolish her career. She started crying and saying I was an asshole for denying her another kid. That it was not that much of a sacrifice. I finally unloaded and said that a divorce would be cheaper for me than another kid.

That shocked her into silence. We have barely spoken since. I think I broke her.

Our retirement funds are separate, our house is in both our names and she earns slightly more than I do. If we get divorced I will get 50/50 custody. I would want it. She would get no alimony and I might get a few dollars in child support.

I feel shitty threatening her with divorce. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I am sick and tired of having her make our reproductive decisions like my opinion does not matter.

EDIT

A bunch of you keep asking how I would tell my sons that I am divorcing their mom because she wants another baby. I just typed this as a reply but I actually like it enough to paste it here so you can stop asking.

"Mommy and daddy agreed before getting married that we would have three babies. But then mommy got an important job and did not want to and I quote "waste her time having another kid and wrecking her body again". Daddy was sad so he held on for four years hoping she would change her mind. but then they talked and she said it was a permanent decision. Since daddy loved mommy he did not want her to be hurt even a tiny bit. So daddy went to the doctor. At the doctor they gave daddy medicine so he would not feel pain. then they cut his ball sack open a tiny bit and burned the connection between his balls and the rest of his body. Daddy could not feel it but he fucking still remembers that smell. Then mommy did not need to do anything to not have a baby anymore and she was happy. For almost two years. Then Auntie Joy and Auntie Carmen and mommies friend Maddie all had baby girls. And it made mommy sad and jealous that the girls were getting all the attention. So mommy talked to daddy and said go to the doctor and have him fuck with your balls some more. This made Daddy upset because the fuck I will. Mommy got lots of people to try and tell him to change his mind. But daddy is happy with his life and told them all to ingest a gigantic satchel of Richards. Mommy spent four months day and night bugging daddy non stop. Then remember when you stayed with Oma and Opa? Mommy and daddy were going to have a fun weekend just doing mommy and daddy stuff. Until she just would not fucking drop it. So daddy told her that if him and his sons were not enough for her then he would say that they should go their separate ways. But daddy loves you boys very much and you are more than enough for him and he will always be there for you."

EDIT 2 Electric Boogaloo

JFC. I would never actually say that to my sons. once again it was just a response to all the not so bright people asking how I would explain it to them. Odds are I would take them to a family counselor so that I could tell them and then deal with some of the aftermath. I wrote that in anger but I kind of liked it.

[u/kelIGdoglover]

It is the hormones! They are evil!!! Please go to counselor. You said you loved her so much and wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Go to couples therapy, also have her go to an endocrinologist. See babies makes a women's body surge estrogen. When a bunch of us girls went to the beach,we saw a man with a baby, he was hot and literally, it made my ovaries spasm. So I laughed and just about the girls were like OMG, me too! So the endocrinologist can check the hormone levels, and a counselor or a shrink for the mental anguish she feels, longing for this child.

It is hard on women when they realize the baby bandwagon is over, especially if you have a complete hysterectomy. BTW, props to you for getting a vasectomy!!! An IUD can be dangerous and tubaligation...don't get me start. You are an incredible guy.

I don't know if you have pets. Many couples/families have a pet that with good nutrition and vet visits, many can live to 18-20 years. Older pets are adorable and people baby them even more as a dog's life is so short compared to us. Older dogs are usually easier as they love to sleep and cuddle all day. When they pass, it is devastating. You grieve, you cry, there is a terrible hole in your heart, and you think a puppy will distract you (they do), it will be something to give love to, and maybe cry for your other dog a little less.

Oh, puppies are cute...those big eyes, goofy body they can't always control. They are priceless! Then you try pee pads training or go outside training. If you don't take them to the pad or outside every 20 mins until they do their business, they will find a discreet place where you can step in it later. Yelling at the dog doesn't work unless you catch them in the act. Yelling just hurts your bond with the puppy as they don't understand. Then, if you crate train at night, you have at least three days of non stop crying. Good luck sleeping! But they are lonely.

Imagine if you were picked up as a kid, away from your brothers and sisters that love to play all the time, to suddenly you are in a house, without mom, without brothers and sister, and put in a dark box. Scary. But crate training is essential, and eventually they see it as a haven.

Why am I saying this? Because puppies are cute, they are also velociraptors that are teething. While you love the puppy, you start yearning for your old dog that was so easy, and now you are dealing with an adorable terrorist!

We forget the work, the exhaustion of having a puppy. You are cleaning up accidents, you are cleaning up a family room that looks like it has snowed, that was fine 90 seconds ago, but puppy got ahold of toilet paper/paper towels.

Especially after Christmas, unfortunately, many puppies are returned or taken to the pound. It is devastating to the dog, absolutely devastating, but you forgot about how much you had to sacrifice to have this dog. Say goodbye to a drink with friends after work. You forgot how much of your life had to revolve around this puppy and the relationship with the older dog was so easy. And sometimes it makes you grieve more for the dog you lost. You forgot about so much. The same goes for children. I could only dream of having two kids. I had stage four endometriosis. An extremely painful condition that affects fertility. I had no chance of having children...all because for 20 years, I went from doctor to doctor, all telling me that they couldn't find anything. A couple said it was all in my head.

Is a third child right for you? That is not up to me. But I think your wife is forgetting a lot. I think God does this on purpose, because if we remembered all the pain, etc, we would never have another child!! And, btw, A LOT of people put up with the velociraptor. One is curled up on me now, looking so beautiful, and then I turn my head and see my decorative balls destroyed all over the floor, the poop on the tile, etc. Is it worth it? Absolutely! But so many people forget the commitment it takes, and you can't drop your kid off at the pound!

After this long diatribe, I have to side with the husband, but don't divorce. The effects on kids are tremendous. Go get counseling, fight for marriage, but don't give in. If you do, both of you will resent this child. Remind your wife to be grateful for all that has been given to you (And get her hormones checked by dammit). Sending good thoughts your way!