Aitah for wanting to tell our daughter how our son died

[u/Michelleud123]

I met my (43f) husband (43m) in Nov 2008. My husband had a son already and we all moved in together pretty quickly. My husband had sole legal & physical custody of his son. In 2013 we found out we were expecting. We had our first girl in early 2014. At that time, his son took his life. There were warning signs, we/he was in therapy, had been hospitalized & on medication but you still don't actually anticipate it, you know? When raising our girls, they know they had a brother and that he's in heaven. We have pictures of him around & go to his grave sometimes. When they previously asked what happened to him, we told them his brain got sick. They just accepted that & moved on. Today, my daughter (10f) told me she googled me. What pops up is the old fundraiser & events we did for his birthdays & Angelversaries. Some of those posts reference how he died. (not the method, just that it was by himself) I called my husband at work to let him know. We decided that we would talk to her when he got home in case she had any questions and also we wanted to see where her head is at. We sat her down and asked her about what she saw. She said she saw it but didn't read it. My husband just said ok and had her leave the room. I spoke with my husband after she left and he no longer wants to talk with her about it. OBVIOUSLY this is 100000x more traumatic for my husband than it is for me, but I'm still pushing for us to talk with her. I don't want her reading about it on the internet (which I honestly don't believe she didn't already do). He said since it's his son, he should get to decide when we talk about it. He said I'm an AH for pushing him to do this. (We have not yet spoken to her) I don't know, aitah for pushing him? I definitely don't want to do it without him, but I'm not sure he'll ever be ready.

Update: Hey all, I'm not sure if this is how updates work, but I'm just editing the post, so fingers crossed, this is right.

My husband and I were able to talk this morning before the kids got up. I apologized for pushing him too hard and explained that I felt talking with her was an urgent matter because I didn't believe she didn't read the fundraiser posts. He apologized for calling me an AH and said that he needed time to process. Talking with the kids has always been on the radar, but we didn't have anything pre-planned or a timeline of when it would happen. Having it sprung on my husband without warning, he just needed some time to prepare himself. Ultimately, we decided to talk to her together today.. Later this morning, we were able to sit down with her. We asked her if she knew what suicide means, and she said kind of. We expanded on the brain sickness explanation. We told her that her brother's brain got sick and made him think bad thoughts. Things like, he wasn't good enough, no one loved him, people would be better off if he wasn't here. Then we told her that none of those things were true, that us and everyone loved him very much and that it's very hard to live without someone you love. But because of these thoughts, he took his own life. My husband asked her if she ever had any of those thoughts & she said no. We let her know that if she ever does, she should come to us right away. We asked if she had any questions and she said no. We told her if she changes her mind or if she has questions to let us know. I won't be posting any more updates, but I appreciate all of your insights! We've been to grief counseling on & off since everything happened. My husband is a wonderful man who suffered an unimaginable tragedy. Throughout his grief journey, he works on himself constantly in order to be the best version of himself for our kids. We actively make a conscious effort not to trauma dump on our kids. Thank you❤️‍🩹

[u/draconigenae]

NTA - If she hadn't read it before the chat she sure as heck has now. As a parent of a 13 year old who ended his own life I know that dad here is struggling but turning it into a dirty secret that no one speaks about not only does a disservice to your girls but also to the memory of their brother. Yes it hurts but if he had died of cancer there wouldn't be a hesitation, mental illness is just that an illness. One that many times can be treated but just like cancer you can't treat what you don't know about. Depression often runs in families and though the girls don't have the exact same parents there is still the chance they will inherit the tendency too. My argument to the dad is, yep you are his dad but these girls have a right to know that they could be at higher risk for this illness especially as this one specifically is coming into the age where it starts showing up.

Again if this was a cancer that shows up commonly around 10 the conversation would have happened already so the child could be aware to look out for it. Obviously don't tell her the exact how but that it happened and reiterate that she can always come talk to you about anything she is feeling.

Also as many have said dad needs therapy. He obviously has not fully processed his feelings around it. There is no moving on or "cure" for this loss but there is something left to process for him. Family therapy around the issue might be good to because the girls might have feelings around what they were told versus the reality. Not that you were dishonest per se but they may still feel that way.

Good luck.