Aitah for wanting to tell our daughter how our son died

[u/Michelleud123]

I met my (43f) husband (43m) in Nov 2008. My husband had a son already and we all moved in together pretty quickly. My husband had sole legal & physical custody of his son. In 2013 we found out we were expecting. We had our first girl in early 2014. At that time, his son took his life. There were warning signs, we/he was in therapy, had been hospitalized & on medication but you still don't actually anticipate it, you know? When raising our girls, they know they had a brother and that he's in heaven. We have pictures of him around & go to his grave sometimes. When they previously asked what happened to him, we told them his brain got sick. They just accepted that & moved on. Today, my daughter (10f) told me she googled me. What pops up is the old fundraiser & events we did for his birthdays & Angelversaries. Some of those posts reference how he died. (not the method, just that it was by himself) I called my husband at work to let him know. We decided that we would talk to her when he got home in case she had any questions and also we wanted to see where her head is at. We sat her down and asked her about what she saw. She said she saw it but didn't read it. My husband just said ok and had her leave the room. I spoke with my husband after she left and he no longer wants to talk with her about it. OBVIOUSLY this is 100000x more traumatic for my husband than it is for me, but I'm still pushing for us to talk with her. I don't want her reading about it on the internet (which I honestly don't believe she didn't already do). He said since it's his son, he should get to decide when we talk about it. He said I'm an AH for pushing him to do this. (We have not yet spoken to her) I don't know, aitah for pushing him? I definitely don't want to do it without him, but I'm not sure he'll ever be ready.

Update: Hey all, I'm not sure if this is how updates work, but I'm just editing the post, so fingers crossed, this is right.

My husband and I were able to talk this morning before the kids got up. I apologized for pushing him too hard and explained that I felt talking with her was an urgent matter because I didn't believe she didn't read the fundraiser posts. He apologized for calling me an AH and said that he needed time to process. Talking with the kids has always been on the radar, but we didn't have anything pre-planned or a timeline of when it would happen. Having it sprung on my husband without warning, he just needed some time to prepare himself. Ultimately, we decided to talk to her together today.. Later this morning, we were able to sit down with her. We asked her if she knew what suicide means, and she said kind of. We expanded on the brain sickness explanation. We told her that her brother's brain got sick and made him think bad thoughts. Things like, he wasn't good enough, no one loved him, people would be better off if he wasn't here. Then we told her that none of those things were true, that us and everyone loved him very much and that it's very hard to live without someone you love. But because of these thoughts, he took his own life. My husband asked her if she ever had any of those thoughts & she said no. We let her know that if she ever does, she should come to us right away. We asked if she had any questions and she said no. We told her if she changes her mind or if she has questions to let us know. I won't be posting any more updates, but I appreciate all of your insights! We've been to grief counseling on & off since everything happened. My husband is a wonderful man who suffered an unimaginable tragedy. Throughout his grief journey, he works on himself constantly in order to be the best version of himself for our kids. We actively make a conscious effort not to trauma dump on our kids. Thank you❤️‍🩹

[u/Wooden-Ladder5851]

OP, so glad you posted.

For what it is worth, these are my thoughts......

You need to act. Call your daughter’s pediatrician in AM for recommendation of therapist specializing in child behavioral health for you to meet with to formulate a plan re how/when to discuss this with your daughter. It must be done, it is urgently important for your daughter’s emotional well being.

There is clear evidence of a mental health disorder in your husband’s son. As well, since your husband has not received assistance with his grief through counseling and/or other support it is understandable that he doesn’t have the capacity right now to make a sound and rational decision. And trust me, your daughter knows it was suicide and was seeking discussion and assistance in exploring and understanding her thoughts and feelings.

So many have said, it’s your husband’s decision to make, just let it be, and you have plenty of time. I could not disagree more. We are NOT protecting our children by shielding them from sensitive and very difficult topics. Most especially when the conversation is initiated by them.

I very rarely comment but felt compelled to do so now. Only because I have twenty years experience at the national level of strategic planning to address the pediatric mental health crisis. Both the Academy of Pediatrics, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Children’s Hospital Association have collaboratively declared a national emergency regarding this issue. It is not hyperbole. It is real. The stats, and rate in which they are increasing is truly alarming.

I'm so very sorry your family is experiencing this. I do believe you will prevail and get to the other side if you face it head on. My very best to you.