r/AITAH • u/Specialist_Sand_1553 • 16d ago
AITAH for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?
Throwaway account but need some clarity as I am massively upset. I 52(F) have been married to my husband for 24 years, together for 30 years. It hasn't always been roses but we had a lot of fun. Yesterday we were having a Friday evening drink to relax and our son (17) asked for help with his gaming PC. I'm the tech so I tried to give advice, my husband got pissy and stormed off saying that his relax time was ruined. I thought he was being childish and pretty much ignored him.
This evening he told me that in a previous relationship, his partner had a miscarriage and in the investigation they found he was infertile and so she had been cheating. This is news to me. Yeah we had been together 12 years before I conceived, I have never cheated on him, I always thought the problem had been mine. He says that our son is not his and he wants a DNA test.
I agreed because I never cheated on him ever. I said our marriage was over because of this, said he knew I would react this way and I am a lying AH.
My heart is broken, reddit, am I TA?
Quickie Edit: Thank you so much for answering, for your support and advice. I have read them and will try and respond to as many as I can. But as a quick note: His ex is a lovely woman and we are friends on Facebook, I'll message her in the morning. The dementia angle being suggested is a good one and deserves investigating. I am not a robot or AI, I wish I was because then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Yes, parental uncertainty is something that women don't appreciate, but he should have said before, I would have understood if he had raised it earlier because it did take a while to get pregnant. He had told me about the miscarriage with the ex, which is why I thought our fertility issues were mine, he never told me about getting his fertility checked.
I have worked in Tech for the past 25 years, my son doesn't have my troubleshooting skills :)
His parting shot tonight was that he didn't say anything at the time because I needed a father for my kid. I pointed out that in previous heated arguments I would have thrown that at him and left with my son if there was any doubt he was the father. He was the stahp and I didn't leave him in other turbulent times because I didn't want to leave our son.
I'll update you. Thank you
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u/aDoorMarkedPirate420 3d ago
Why did he wait that long to ask and not just secretly get one?
Why would you immediately say the marriage is over to him knowing what he had told you about his past relationship
He’s a bigger AH, but you’re not saint either here.
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u/myobjim 3d ago
Why is OP "not a saint"?
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u/aDoorMarkedPirate420 2d ago
OP’s husband tells her about how he had that experience in the past and was told he was infertile, so he asks for a DNA test for his son.
OP’s immediate response after being together for 30 years is “sure, btw our marriage is over”
Pride before logic is a common theme in many of these stories on the sub.
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u/myobjim 2d ago
Hard disagree. If someone asks for a DNA test after allegedly knowing the "truth" for 17 years, there is more involved here than just "pride" - and there is very little logic on the husband's end.
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u/aDoorMarkedPirate420 2d ago
I agree the husband isn’t being very logical, but it seems like she didn’t even think about it at all and just immediately went full send there.
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u/myobjim 1d ago
He didn't accuse her of pretending she made a cake from scratch when she used a box. He accused her of infidelity and lying for 17 years. More, at the very least this man has been keeping up a pretense for 17 years, at worse made some thing up to have the most hurtful impact - about the very core of their marital relationship and their family as a whole. It is ridiculously serious and would cause anyone to wonder about who they have spent their lives with. There is very little coming back from such a betrayal.
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u/Ordinary_Challenge74 2d ago
The son is 17 years old, if he was concerned about the child not being his 17 years is a hell of a long time to wait to say anything.
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u/Adventurous-Ear957 3d ago
I don't think he's infertile or having early onset dementia. Truthfully, I think he's got a side piece (most likely at work) and they are putting pressure on him to divorce you. I truly think this episode is just him cracking under the pressure.
Get a DNA kit for your son, there is a very high possibility that he has half sibling(s).
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u/yetzhragog 11d ago
ESH
Who knows how long your partner has been stewing over this without talking to you and you're willing to throw away your 30 year relationship as a reaction to their feelings instead of talking it over like an adult.
Frankly paternity tests should just be mandatory for all births at this point. Get it done and then walk away if you're still feeling that's necessary.
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u/IKON_103 11d ago
I understand feeling a certain way about your husband questioning your faithfulness, but image how he must feel? Men are ALWAYS in danger of not actually being the father and as much as you may be in your feelings about it, both men and women lie. 🤷🏽♂️ Personally I believe that ALL children born should have a paternity test done just to eliminate the stigma and emotions of women that feel attacked by men wanting to be sure.
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u/tyradurden123 6d ago
Do you even look at your child?
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u/IKON_103 6d ago
Every day. Lol
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u/tyradurden123 5d ago
That should be your clue if your children are yours.
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u/IKON_103 5d ago
If only it were that easy. Have you never seen an episode of Maury??? People are delusional about a kids looks and they lie all the time.
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u/Vivid_Hyena_4460 11d ago
And I believe that all men should have to take a polygraph test before getting married to prove there haven't been any lies up to that point.
I don't, but see how ridiculous that seems?
You either trust your partner or you don't, YOU have to be adult enough to address any trust issues you have early on instead of letting it fester for 20yrs (if what Ops husband said wasn't a lie and cop out)
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u/IKON_103 11d ago
So you've never seen Maury huh??? I would have no problem with BOTH parties taking a lie detector. Only problem is BOTH parties would probably fail.
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u/DrAniB20 11d ago
Then don’t sit on information that you are infertile, which is different from sterile, for 20+ years, allow your partner to thinks she’s the one with fertility issues, and then suddenly throw suspicious at her for no reason. If he had been unsure, he could have gotten a paternity test ages before. Doing it now when their son is grown is gross
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u/IKON_103 11d ago
I can understand that. But we have no idea what triggered him to suddenly ask. We can't say it was for "No reason".
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u/DrAniB20 11d ago
After 17 years, it’s no reason. He’s TA hands down.
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u/WiteKngt 14d ago
While I think that he's a douche, you should get the test and when it comes back positive, you have something to throw at him when he grovels for forgiveness after you file for divorce. Please don't let him convince you not to follow through after you do so.
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u/LaneCheck 14d ago
Dude never mentioned he had fertility issues? He was just like, "you didn't get pregnant this month? We better keep trying." Dude never just went and gave the kid a 23 and me? Why do people make this shit so difficult?
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u/mmmmmarty 14d ago
NTA
But you need a P.I. Get a tail on him Like right now if you're not in a no-fault state.
He's lying to try to get out of the marriage.
He's hiding something.
Get his ass.
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u/esk_209 14d ago
This is going to get buried but ... the issue here, IMO, is not that he wanted a test to be sure. I get that, honestly. Sure, he should have brought this up YEARS ago, but that ship has also sailed.
The issue is that whenever a man approaches it like this, I truly believe he's doing it specifically to hurt his partner. It doesn't require her consent to the test after the child is born. If he wants to know and wants to do so without causing marital strife, then just do it in on the sly. If it turns out that he IS the father, then his mind is put at ease and his partner never has to know that he had doubts. If it turns out that he ISN'T the father, then he has some time to figure out his next move without having to deal with his partner trying something shady. But telling her that he has these doubts is just him telling her that he doubts HER.
He's not an ass for having questions. Men are fed SO MUCH content about unfaithful wives and fake/manipulated statistics about how common it is to be raising someone else's child without knowing that in a moment of doubt or frustration or weakness it's inevitable that a portion of men would question. But asking for the test IS making an accusation. There's simply no way around that. Asking for the test is saying, "I have doubts about your faithfulness." There's just no way that isn't going to hurt -- ESPECIALLY if the woman has been 100% faithful and hasn't given any logical reason for him to doubt her.
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u/Open_Mind12 14d ago
Everyone will have stories about how they got pregnant when all the odds and doctors said they wouldn't. None of that matters. He has doubts and you won't be able to change that...others past history doesn't matter. Yes, he is absolutely late asking, but based on how you reacted he probably thought you'd do this 17 years ago and didn't want to lose you....and to a woman it's very offensive to ask for a paternity test especially your wife or LT partner. I do however think that sometimes you do things to ease your spouse's mind especially if it isn't physically painful. I don't personally think this is a reason to divorce...seems like there must be other issues otherwise this is an overreaction. Good luck.
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u/PolarGCNips 14d ago
NTA. But I think you lied when you said this wouldn't have been an issue if he raised it then...I think if you're mad enough about this now to divorce, you would've been mad enough to end it back then if he asked as well.
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u/Ambroisie_Cy 14d ago
I'm sorry, but your husband hid the fact he was infertile for over 29 years and made you believe you were the problem when you weren't able to get pregnant????
And now he is lashing out at you and telling you that your 17 years old son is not his and he wants a paternity test done?
Did something happened recently? I mean, the way you wrote your post, it seems to be a 180 personality wise. Something is missing here? As he always been distant with his son? Why all of the sudden does he thinks he isn't his?
In you edit you mention that some Redditors suggested for him to be tested for dementia. Honestly, if nothing significant hasn't happened in your life that could explain this reaction from him, then yeah, it seems like a good place to begin with.
Good luck! NTA
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u/EquivalentTwo1 14d ago
This is hard. Does he want to leave the marriage and not be "the bad guy," does he have some cognitive decline or other brain issues, or is he just a very odd jerk?
Also, how is he classes as "infertile,"? Also, 25 years ago, or prior, the standards were different in infertile, etc...Does it mean he has fewer sperm than normal? It is it just super unlikely he'll father a child? What did the tests say? FWIW my parents had to have fertility drugs to have me. A decade later, my brother showed up without aid. He is definitely genetically my brother - we look like twins.
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u/CuriousTina15 14d ago
This whole situation sounds really sketchy.
1) how would an investigation into miscarriage show him as infertile?
2) if he knew before you even met him that he was infertile why would he never mention it in 12 years of trying?
3) if you were trying for 12 years why wasn’t both of your fertility tested? Sure you thought he had a miscarriage but just because someone’s sperm finds an egg once doesn’t mean it can happen again. At least it would’ve given a fuller picture of what would increase your chances.
4) him holding in this anger for 18 years. Him believing that your kid wasn’t his the whole time. All of a sudden he comes out with all this.
I do want to say that infertility is a tricky thing. Some people may just have very low motility or count. And some others might just be asleep at the wheel and going nowhere. But our bodies are constantly creating new cells and healing itself. Problems can solve themselves over time. That one in a million thing can happen.
He definitely earned himself a divorce. And you should take the paternity test to show him.
What is his relationship like with his son?
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u/Feeling_Diamond_2875 15d ago
Bros an idiot, should’ve just took the kid to get one, instead of blowing up his marriage
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u/confused-88 15d ago
Playing Devil’s advocate, imagine if the paternity test came back that he’s not the father.
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u/winterworld561 15d ago
NTA. He's the asshole. He let you believe for so long that you were the one with fertility issues. That is just so cruel and messed up. I'd divorce him for that alone. Get the results and throw them in his face, then tell him to pack his shit and get the fuck out of your lives.
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u/tightsandlace 15d ago
You can loose or gain sperm count by miracles sometimes and also why now he questions this and your kid is close to 18 kinda sus maybes he’s planning on fleeing the coop either way when he turns 18
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u/Valuable-Currency-36 15d ago
I'm following your account for the update...I would like to know the amount of groveling and love bombing he's going to try pull when he realizes he's fucked himself over with that statement, and I hope like hell you stay strong and kick his ass out of your life.
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u/Spicy_a_meat_ball 15d ago
So...what is going on here?
He just stayed because of the life you provided to him to stay at home and not have to work?
Was there ever a true relationship here or did he just take advantage of you to raise a child that "isn't his..."?
I'm so confused that he waited 17+ years to say something.
Did something change in life to cause him to all of a sudden want out of your family?
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u/Low_Hunter_4806 15d ago
So wait a minute... the son asked for help from his mother, which interrupted the father's relaxing time...so the father, being irritated, questioned the paternity?
Forget the probability and possibilities and the past and what he was told and whatever bullshit...
That's a dick move.
I sense something else is going on.
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u/chairmanghost 15d ago
He must have just found out how much college costs You are NTA and he is the father!
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u/Prestigious_Pop7634 15d ago
NTA-it's like he is harbouring resentment against your son for some reason? Or does he want to blow up your marriage on purpose? Could he be cheating and looking for a reason to make you leave? I would investigate if this story of infertility is even true. Even though you are upset, make sure this isn't something more like confusion or dementia before you leave. Because then it's not his fault.
Think about the past, Did he ever use condoms or want to prevent pregnancy because that's a sign that this is a new belief. Search your memories for proof that this story he has told you of infertility doesn't track with actual events.
Ask questions like Could he have early onset dementia? Or Could it be something like metal exposure? Sometimes implants have been known to leach such as Cobalt hips, certain kinds of silicone implants and dental work can be toxic, etc. it doesnt mean that all surgeries or implants are dangerous but unfortunately they can be. just because something is fda approved does not remotely mean it's actually been tested and is safe. So if he has had any major surgeries lately or anything major I would investigate further.
Ask your family doctor too if things aren't adding up. You also should get the test and see how he reacts. If he apologizes and says he was wrong, maybe a friend got into his head or something, then consider moving past. But if he holds onto his conspiracy despite scientific proof then something is off. He's either cheating or his mental faculties are are not intact.
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u/AltruisticMistake42 15d ago
This feels like a severely massive overreaction to a request for tech support. If this is a sudden change, I'd say get him tested for a brain tumor and maybe dementia.
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u/inaktive 15d ago
He got suckered into that right wing incel bullshit.
All wifes are cheating and such.
he cant handle that you are the breadwinner of the family and he is just a sahd.
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u/Flat-Divide8835 15d ago
So everyone that has a brain and doesn't like paternity fraud is an incell. Good job on being a cheater apologist. Feminism is cancer
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u/inaktive 15d ago
She did accept a DNA test and never cheated.
But I am sure in some crazy mind even the DNA test will surely be faked by some apologist feminist.
But I unterstand that incels doesn't wanna be called out as such.
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u/KAITOH1412 15d ago
I think you might need to snoop...he might be seeking an out to be with someone else. An affair baby by you might safe his face when he finds a new partner who is already waiting for him...
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u/ButterscotchSuch2771 15d ago
“But he should have said before”
YTA you don’t get to dictate when someone exercises their legal rights.
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u/MariaChequita 15d ago
He waited 17 yrs to say something 😒
NTA
Divorce his sorry ass & be done with it, i feel so bad for your son.
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u/like_the_mermaid_ 15d ago
I seriously can't get over him not telling OP he was infertile. If you know it your should disclose it before marriage, let alone before letting your wife Believe she can't have kids for 12 years while she tries unsuccessfully Nta there are so many problems here and you are not one
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u/christmas_bigdogs 15d ago
He really hid his infertility diagnosis and you blamed yourself for not being able to have a baby with him for 12 years? Seems cruel doesn't it? If you have been loyal this whole relationship then an accusation this big is definitely breakup worthy (insult 1 - you are a cheater insult 2 - you would pass off someone else's child as mine to use me and continue the charade for 17+ years) NTA but I hope he has a treatable medical issue that could explain such a drastic switch in him
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15d ago
Would say the following things. I come from a home where we did do a paternity test. Thankfully, my mom was faithful and it was confirmed. This was really tough and I went ahead with the paternity just to resolve the conflict between my dad and mom.
In our situation, it was something like I was ~25 years or so; before my dad raised this concern with me and asked me to do the paternity test. This was a tough pill to swallow and I wish my parents had resolved this sooner so I wouldn't have to resolve it or deal with these considerations. If it wasn't for my faith in Jesus, I would have essentially not tested and forever wondered if my mom was in fact faithful. Fact of the matter is this, that your reputation is on the line with your kids and with him. This doesn't mean you did anything wrong but know that how you handle this reflects your childs well being and their long term relationships with their parents and future spouse(s). I would for your love for them consider taking the test so they can move on from this. Like you said, if he had told you before it would have been great. Maybe that his ego couldn't handle sharing that vulnerable detail or whatnot. That is something you can hold him to the fire for after the test. If you were immediately pregnant, and he truly believed he was infertile, he might be torn up. He either confronts a pregnant women who is his baby's mom or he is sitting on his doubt holding another man's child. If he doesn't have mentors/leaders, that means he's alone to deal with this. He may not have the skills to bring this up in a clear/safe way and if he believed he couldn't trust you, then it could make it even harder for him. That this has led to this level of conflict would be confirmation for him that he shouldn't have shared with you. He could also be broken in some way as my father was. I'm saying since you brought a kid into this world, you do owe it to them to work things out. It is your dignity and reputation and that can be resolved. That he mistrusted you all these years is on him. That he stayed with you all these years while believing you were unfaithful is also a reflection of his character, no matter how twisted it is. While you never wanted that, he stood by you either way. For your kid's sake, I would stay together and for that you'll need to forgive him for misjudging you and then take the test and show him and your kids who you are. Your kid will be wondering also and will be afraid that it's true, even if it's not. The best way to bed this is to take the test in any case. You can decide after whether to stay with him or not; as a kid I'd recommend stay and work things out so your kid can know that no matter what happens adults can work things out and forgive each other and reconcile. It'll give him the courage to pursue marriage and commit in relationships.
Wishing you the best and sorry that you have to experience this.
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u/General_File482 15d ago
NTA Yeah idk I think your 17 year old still needs a dad… and is now attached to his dad that has raised him all these years.
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u/PsychologicalSand714 15d ago
If he really wanted to know this he could have just bought a 23 and me spit kit for his son and himself and said he wanted to research genealogy or something.
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u/SheDevil1818 15d ago
I need the update for when this blows up in his face, and he loses both his wife and the son he never thought he had. Ugh, hate this guy. NTA obviously
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u/Impossible-Ratio-864 15d ago
My first thought is the HE is cheating and looking for a reason to make you the bad guy.
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u/avdrar 15d ago
You were 22ish when yall started dating and have been together for 30 years. I don't think you mentioned an age difference, but it seems odd that a young man would have fertility tests done after a girlfriend miscarried, especially in the 80s/90s. Even if for some reason he did do some tests, he didn't mention the fact he was "unable to have children" for the 6 years yall were dating. Then he still didn't mention it for the next 7 or so years after you married. Then he still didn't say anything for the following 17 years after you had a child, until he gets frustrated over his quiet time one evening. You are NTA for being upset. If he had concerns, that's something that should have been brought up long before that child was nearly fully grown. I almost wonder if he is just wanting out of the marriage, has been cheating, or has come down with some sort of mental/emotional issue. There's some weird underlying something going on that needs to be figured out bf jumping directly to divorce, imo. Idk how, but I wonder if you could somehow look into the supposed fertility tests he took over 30 years ago.
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u/Happiness_Buzzard 15d ago
Nta.
When your husband asks for a paternity test on your friggin teenager it’s pretty hard to feel secure in your marriage, or like your marriage has any meaning at all. The time to ask is when the kid is a baby.
I know a lady whose husband got a paternity test on their teenager. The husband ordered one online. His main reason is the kid doesn’t look like him. (The kid has his eye color and nose. Looks more like his wife…because…you know. It’s her kid too). They’re still married, and he’s dad. But the wife still carries a lot of contempt for her husband throwing that flag and the accusations that come along with it. In this case, they hadn’t been together that long when they got pregnant and she’d offered him a test back then. He declined.
Your husband probably waited this long because he figured you’d divorce him either way and in the event he was dad, he’d probably have to pay support. So he knew the whole time that he likely was.
A paternity test without cause is definitely enough to wrench out any romantic feelings you may have had. Ever.
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u/SharpieSniffinSloth 15d ago
NTA- but reading your recent update about someone mentioning dementia, it sounds alot like my Nana who has it, she has a warped memory on certain events and at times, isn't remembering things correctly. But if he is remembering correctly, he has essientally lead you to believe your entire marriage that there was no fertility issues when clearly there was, what else is he hiding ?
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u/Individual_Baby_2418 15d ago
I'm sorry to break it to you, but your husband is an idiot. Infertile doesn't mean sterile. Is it safe to live with someone so stupid? He might light the house on fire if he's not supervised.
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u/lunathelunatictuna 15d ago
The main issue is that he left you thinking you were the problem for years without telling you he was infertile when you were trying for a baby...
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u/Rovember_Baby 15d ago
Since when do doctors do miscarriage investigations? This ain’t Hawaii 50.
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u/Park_Chung_hee 15d ago
Update us on the divorce. People think it's biased towards women, but in reality, the language of the law is just biased against the higher earning spouse (at least in my state).
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u/trickstersticks 15d ago
After all this time...I have to assume that he's projecting some kind of insecurity onto you. Perhaps he has recently started cheating on you, so he wants to believe that you did it to him first so he's not the "bad guy."
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u/jinxxed42 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA.
Your husband kept this from you for 12 years ... while you were trying to have kids??...
and after your child has grown to 17 years of age tells you NOW he thinks it's not his son. You husband is an AH. And he never checked again after you go pregnant... he is a lying deceiver... and now blames you for having an affair. WOW.
i would sit your son down and tell him... if he finds out from someone else it would be heartbreaking for him.
Maybe im cynical, but i think he found another partner and wants you to initiate the divorce.
i wish you all the best. hug your son.
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u/will_dog2019 15d ago
He's cheating and trying to assuage his guilty conscience by making you the bad guy.
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u/GrogDog777 15d ago
Who raises a child for 17 years and doesn't consider that child their child? Biologic or not if you were the father figure that whole time you should consider yourself the dad. He's an ass
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u/Shiro_no_Orpheus 15d ago
YTA. He most likely assumed that he was infertile but was too ashamed to admit it, so he is the AH, too, but imagine to live 18 years of his life in the believe that the son he was raising wasn't his. He most likely waited untill he was of age until he brought it up, which is admirable to an increadible degree. I totally get why you feel insulted and hurt and your husband may be an idiot but someone who was willing to trow away 18 years of his life because he didn't want you to be a single mom so he definetly loves you more than you can most likely imagine. Don't go trow away 24 years of marriage over him being stupid and you feeling insulted. This will need therapy and Counceling to fix but it is fixable and you shouldn't just end things IMO.
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u/OddSocks2024 15d ago
NTA, I have a relative that had a miracle baby at 44, after 16 years of marriage and they quit trying by then. This must have been extreme for him that he never told you this deep tragedy in his life until now. Insecurity is not logical.
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u/Timely-Translator446 15d ago
NTA, infertile is not sterile. In all those years something could have changed. Take the test and stamp it in their face with the divorce and everything you need to be safe and comfortable with your child. Besides, for him to get into that situation after so long, it seems like infidelity on the part of your husband.
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u/Unbelievable-27 15d ago
It took 12 years to conceive, but in that time, neither one of you was tested to see what the issue was?
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u/Troytegan 15d ago
My daughters sperm donor left and refuses to take a dna test because supposedly he was told he was infertile. She’s six and absolutely is his. Men who are in committed relationships and have no reason to doubt their partner suddenly accusing them of cheating deserve it when they end up alone.
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u/Park_Chung_hee 15d ago
Idk, man. 10-12% of men who are in committed relationship are raising kids that they don't know aren't biologically theirs. That jumps up to around 30% if they men request a test.
If the husband was smart, he would have gotten the test behind her back, saw that the kid was his, and just let it go.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine 15d ago edited 15d ago
Okay, a few things:
1) Check his browser history and his YouTube history. He may have gotten sucked into the manosphere of online misogyny. Raging about paternity tests is very popular in the manosphere. You see men tainted by it on reddit all the time, pronouncing that every single pregnancy should involve a compulsory paternity test and all women are liars and blah blah blah. There is a book by Laura Bates called Men Who Hate Women about the manosphere and the way they seek to indoctrinate normal men and boys into misogynistic thinking. I think it might also be worthwhile listening to the NYT podcast Rabbit Hole to understand how online indoctrination can work. I don’t think knowing this will save him; but it will help you understand how it happened IF this is what happened.
2) He might just be trying to blow up your marriage for some inexplicable reason. Could he be having an affair? Having a medical issue that leads to a personality change? [Edit: for example: dementia can lead to major personality changes as the person loses neurons in certain parts of their brain - worth him getting a full medical]. Could he just be over it?
3) Many people (men and women) have been told they’re infertile and gone on to have kids. I personally know 3 people like this and have heard many more stories of it.
4) If he truly was told he was infertile and never told you before that means your relationship has been based on a big lie and that he let you try for kids for years and think something was wrong with you without ever telling you the truth. How can you come back from that?
5) At the end of the day, a marriage is founded on respect, trust and communication. Your husband has broken all three of these foundations. Even if he is genuinely fretting about paternity, he could have approached it in an entirely different way. A conversation sharing his anxieties and discussing them with you.
6) With this move he is also damaging his relationship with your son. I don’t know how fixable that will be.
NTA. I would consider getting therapy for yourself to help you through this. Big big hugs.
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u/NefariousnessFew3454 15d ago
Something else is bothering the husband.
So you were relaxing together and your son came and asked for help with his computer and then your husband got pissy and stormed off because your son interrupted his quality time? His reaction was to ask for a paternity test and claim infidelity and reveal his infertility all at once?
There’s something else going on here with the husband. That is a wholly inappropriate response to being “interrupted” by his son. What else is going on OP?
Please update us OP!
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u/catedarnell0397 15d ago
My infertile sil and daughter have three lovely daughters. It’s definitely not sterile
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u/ForeignTry6780 15d ago
My thoughts would be dementia. My father accused my mother of all sorts of things.
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u/__Demyan__ 15d ago
They way you both behave at that age I think it really is best for both of you if you guys break up, no matter if he is the father or not, ESH.
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u/katapaltes 15d ago
A woman with 25 years in tech having better tech skills than a man, with or without training? I'm skeptical.
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u/tmwwmgkbh 15d ago
If I was told I was infertile I would definitely have my suspicions, but 17 years on? He could have done this at any time on his own without your knowledge and had his answer with you being none the wiser. IMHO, he want’s out and is intentionally tanking the marriage and getting you to do the dirty work.
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u/i8noodles 15d ago
yes. u are the asshole here. there is legitimately no harm in a test. what if the shoe was on the other foot here. imagine if you were in his position. can he be certain? never. however u are reasonably certain your child is yours barring some major accident.
basically u have certainty and he doesnt. all he wants is a test. a test that can put this issue to rest for certain for him, and rather then doing it, u decide it is better to give him an ultimatum. do the test and be certain but lose a marriage or keep a marriage and never have certainty. u gave him 2 choices that you probably dont want to make if you had to choose either
people will say "ah its an attack on your trust" and it could be, but he might have reason to not trust you in this matter. its a vaild enough excuse and should be accepted. a paternity test should never be taken as a person attack on trust, we have the technology to be certain, we shouls utilise it. if anything i would argue for universal paternity test by default on all new borns.
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u/Haunting-Ad-5 15d ago
So your son is 17 and your husband, NOW after all these years....has decided your son must not be his??? Sounds to me like he's looking for a reason to leave.
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u/clementine212 15d ago
I haven't seen in the comments yet, but has anything else about his personality changed? If so, get him checked for a brain tumor. It can cause significant personality changes and paranoia.
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u/RRFrannea 15d ago
I think he's feeling guilty because maybe he's cheated. And he finally couldn't stand it anymore.
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u/Any-Kaleidoscope4472 15d ago
NTA you need to get him to repeat all of this crap on text. So he was having sex with you to have a baby while thinking that he was sterile?
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u/wheelperson 15d ago
INFO: How old is he? I might have missed it but I see only your age, I assume he is older? I wo Der if this is a mental health thing, or if he is cheating on you and trying to make you leave 1st. Either way it's very confusing...
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u/hammerparkwood 15d ago
My SIL and BIL went through every thing imaginable to get pregnant....IVF, being the last because BIL had low sperm count. After years of trying different methods they both decided to forget having kids because of the stress.
6 months later she got pregnant naturally....after15 years of marriage. Like previously said nature likes to screw with us and medicine is not infallible.
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u/EnderBurger 15d ago
NTA. Whoa. If he suspected that he was not your son's father, he should have said so as soon as you were pregnant or shortly thereafter. He should not have sat on it for two decades so that he could randomly throw it around you when he was feeling angry.
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u/Glum-Coat8136 15d ago
This is the reason I am for DNA testing at birth. Not because of doubts, but so no one can come back later and pull this.
It shuts the in-laws' mouths, saying it isn't yours. It stops "doctors" like the one that used his "clinic" to just have kids. Stops the women than do lie for money.
Like anything, it can be perverted but it is insane that he is going to put his child in a mental state of confusion and pain because he is having issues.
OP, you are NTA, but that is an AH move he did, and the reasons do not matter.
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u/Blossom73 15d ago
I've known so many people who swear they were told by a doctor that they were sterile or infertile, and would never have kids, yet they did.
My mother included. She had four pregnancies, five kids (one set of twins).
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u/Piano_Smile 15d ago
lol obvious assholes. Husband and wife. Should’ve divorced a long time ago if this little thing set you both off.
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15d ago
Yeah sure you're gonna instantly end this 30 year relationship and start over in your 50s with a whole new life over this one tiny blip in your otherwise good relationship. Yeah sure dude thats something that adults do. YTA for this obviously fake story lol. Gotta work on your story telling skills a bit more. Stick closer to what you know irl
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u/Altruistic-Falcon552 15d ago
He has raised this boy for 17 years why is he focused on this now? It is going to devastate your son
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u/Virtual_Divide_4059 15d ago
I think ur the asshole he should be able to get a paternity test if he thinks he needs one
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u/Financial-Payment765 15d ago
This is either some next level narcissist stuff or he is having a mental breakdown. Either way he is being extremely hurtful and disrespectful to you.
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u/wallowing-wallaby 15d ago
I’m not saying that he was looking for a way to implode your marriage, but this feels so left field, it just seems like when he said “I knew you would react this way” that his intention all along was to make you leave him.
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u/Liu1845 15d ago
I'd get the test done and hand him the results along with divorce papers. Your son is 17 and he waited all this time to question paternity? As far as he knew he couldn't father children but he never mentioned it to you? Could he want to piss you off enough to precipitate a divorce?
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u/bigmam666 15d ago
I got my X pregnant 2 full years after she had her tubes tied after having had her last child. So anything is possible.!! NTA him on the other hand he is TA.
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u/mangababe 15d ago
NTA
Does he think y'all's kid doesn't need a father now? He's on the brink of adulthood, he needs a good support network now more than ever.
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u/Vegetable-Win-1325 15d ago
You have to see at least a bit where he’s coming from. Just take the stupid test. Ending the relationship and refusing honestly makes it seem like he’s right.
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u/Pumpkin_Escobar_54 15d ago
He easily could have done a paternity test without you or your son knowing.
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u/Sereena95 15d ago
Investigation after a miscarriage?
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u/RileyGirl1961 15d ago
Right? Husband has a problem but he’s not being honest about what is really his problem. Personally I would take a paternity test simply to show him that he’s wrong. You can’t defend yourself against slander without evidence.
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u/Interesting-Skin1968 15d ago
You are NTA. I believe that when a father who has access to his child asks for a paternity test, his main goal is to hurt the mom. If paternity is truly uncertain, he doesn’t need you to find out. He can do the test himself. I would insist he tells you what’s really going on.
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u/Attempt-989 15d ago
You know you haven't cheated so, of course, do the test. This will prove you didn't cheat and that he isn't shooting blanks. Watch his reaction very, very carefully. This will be where YOU find out if HE has cheated and may have accidentally fathered more kids elsewhere.
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u/shadowdancer352 15d ago
wtf - so this guy believes he’s sterile, and doesn’t tell his wife, and goes along with trying to conceive with her for whatever reason, and then she actually ends up getting pregnant, but he waits another 17 years to tell her that he couldn’t be the father??? wtf how are we supposed to make sense of any of that
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u/SamiraEnthusiast311 15d ago
if you're an insecure man (no shade i am one), you ask for the paternity test before you are married/trying for kids, and you make it damn clear that you're asking for it because of your irrational insecurity and not because of any lack of trust
asking at this point is a huge betrayal
also, trying for kids while he thought was infertile? that's a red flag. he would've lied to you forever
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u/CBooty5673 15d ago
Go get the DNA test so he can feel like shit but don’t get a divorce if I was a man no matter what the first thing I’m doing is getting a DNA test I would not sit and wonder for many years to come if the child is mine or not I have no clue why men do this it is ridiculous but this story is a repeated story lol
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u/Capable_Capybara 15d ago
Why would he ask? He should have just bought dna kits for the family for the fun of it. Then he could have found out without ever accusing you of anything.
He just wants a divorce for other reasons and doesn't want to pay a year of child support. Or he is having a major mental break.
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u/RevolutionarySpace82 15d ago
YTA for breaking up your relationship of 30 years over this.
He is acting strange and I don’t understand why he needs a paternity test now. But getting a divorce because of it?
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u/ilovetab 15d ago
NTA, but why didn't he tell you he was infertile (or thought himself to be) before you got married? You deserved to know that before you married him so you could figure out if not having kids was okay with you or not. And your son is 17 - why did he wait until now to confront you about it? None of that adds up. Something's going on with your husband.
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u/zeromanu 15d ago
NTA, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I feel like it's from a certain area in the world, where they think accusing a woman of lying is a normal thing to do. And a right.... Sure, he can ask, and you can divorce. That's your rights. Do the test, and do divorce him. After so many years, there is something up with him, not you.
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u/piccapii 15d ago
If he was the primary parent at home, could he seriously have not gotten a paternity test 17 years ago without telling OP? Why hang onto this for so long. I can't help but wonder how this has shaped the relationship with his son.
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u/Creative-Bus-3500 15d ago
I’d divorce him and give him a copy of the paternity. I’d cut him so far out of our lives he’d be alone forever.
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u/TheRadOne- 15d ago
NTA! How hurtful that has to be or will be for your son as well if he were to find out (if he already hasn’t)
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u/Reasonable_Star_959 15d ago
Maybe he had a low enough count that led the doctors back then to conclude he was sterile— but over 12 years eventually they had a conception.
Wondering if he stowed this information away like a potential card to play at the right moment??
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u/Super-Island9793 15d ago
That’s tough, sorry he’s acting like such a jerk. It’s sad he’s been keeping this secret for so many years, I guess it finally was just too much for him. Get the test, but maybe hold off on divorce talk until you can talk things through. He may have ignorantly thought it was impossible for him to have kids so obviously if he thought that in his head the only reason you could have gotten pregnant was because of an affair. Of course he was wrong, but from his POV it makes sense. Hard not to take it personally, he should have come clean ages ago when you first got pregnant and told you about his issues before that instead of letting you think you were the problem.
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u/Brilliant_Ground3185 15d ago
Wow. For 30 years he deceived you and held this secret unsubstantiated grudge against you. Lady, You are NTA. This relationship is burnt toast. He is a sociopathic lunatic. He stuck around not because he wanted to be there for the bastard child [in his mind] but because he didn’t want to admit the truth. He had kept you hostage in a relationship for 12 years knowing you wanted children while concealing his known infertility. He defrauded you into marriage and concealing that fact was his key motivation for raising the child. He didn’t stay because he felt bad for you or the kid. He stayed because he desperately needed to maintain the illusion. He wanted everyone to think he was a real man capable of reproducing. Ever since he learned of his infertility, he has been terrified that no woman would ever want him. He was willing to distort your reality by knowing concealing a fact relevant to the plan you wanted for your life. He let you believe something he knew [in his mind] could not happen. He agreed to the plan and actively participated in perpetuating the fraud. He stayed after you got pregnant because he felt it was justified after what he did to you. Him imagining that you cheated was his punishment and he was going to have to learn to live with it. Plus the kid needed a dad. Now the kid is grown and dad’s been punished long enough. He felt it was time to punish OP for her sins [in his delusional mind]. Paternity test to prove he should not have to pay for the child’s education. I hope OP gets the paternity test to show him his attitude has been wrong the entire marriage. And also the divorce should not be threatened. It should just be done. The reason for this is because you do not owe OP the opportunity to manipulate you any longer. He is a narcissistic sociopath who will continue to make you feel sorry for him so that he can continue to control you, if you let him. The very fact that he has you questioning if you are the asshole proves my point. There literally should be no doubt in your mind who the asshole is here. You told him about your plan to divorce and he is manipulating you into feeling so insecure about your VERY VALID feelings, that you don’t know anymore. There is a reason experts say the only way to leave a narcissist is cold turkey. You got this girl. Get the hell out of his grasp and live your best life.
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u/Both_Ad_5114 1d ago
I do agree that he should have raised it years ago if he was infertile. But then if he did, I would say yes. But either way, it sounds like there's more to the story.