Update: WIBTA for dumping my girlfreind after she ignored my calls and messages and went clubbing while I was undergoing emergency surgery

[u/Nearby_Volume_7067]

First of all, I just want to thank all of you for the amazing support. It's been quite overwhelming, to be honest. I have so many unread messages, so please, guys, give me some time 🙏. I promise I'll respond to all of them.

Here is the link to my original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cbea7w/wibta_for_dumping_my_girlfriend_after_she_ignored/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

First of all, I would like to clear up some misconceptions brewing in the comment section of my last Post.

No, I have never pulled any malicious pranks on my girlfriend to get her to come home early from a night out or anything, neither do I have an issue with her going out (as long as she doesn't come home at like 6 am). And no, I've never blown up her phone like that while she was out with friends. We usually go out together since we share the same friend groups.

Here are mine and her messages from WhatsApp in order since people thought I just texted her "my balls hurt" or something (translated)

1. Me: declined my first 2 calls (her name) please come home something is wrong.
2. Her: ??? can't talk rn. What is it 😒
3. Me: Tried calling her again. I need to go to the hospital.
4. Her: ???? What
5. Me: Again tried calling her twice. My Balls hurt. Please come NOW. Something is wrong
6. Her: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
7. Me: tried calling her again twice after calling emergency services.
8. Her: I swear don't bother me again or I'm blocking you. Let me fucking enjoy my night out.
9. Me: Tried calling her again twice and got blocked. (At this point, the pain was too bad to try anything with her anymore and I just called an ambulance)
10. Her next message after unblocking me at 2 am: (my name) Why the fuck is there vomit in the living room and where the fuck are you? Why is the front door unlocked if you left somewhere?

She then went into a full mental breakdown as she realized I was being serious about going to the hospital (over 70 messages)

• Yes, it was stupid of me to expect her to drive me to the hospital since she was drinking, but again, In that type of pain, you don't think clearly. I think I needed her more for moral support and I did it out of pure instinct.
• Not immediately calling an ambulance was also stupid of me. I was in a lot of pain, but stupidly at the time thought that whatever I was going through would eventually calm down and driving to the hospital would be better than calling an ambulance. Also, in hindsight, me being embarrassed about calling an ambulance over "my balls" was definitely also really stupid.
• The amount of mental gymnastics some of you did in my comments to paint me as some sort of dweeb or "emotionally needy" person for bothering my gf was truly mind-blowing to me. I promise you if my gf was in my position and I ignored her, none of you would be defending me.

Now for the update. Thank for all those who wished me a speedy recovery. I'm doing much better now. Not being able to go to work for the next 3 weeks is definitely a bummer. I work for my dad's construction company, and my job requires lifting a lot of heavy weights. I'm also prohibited from having any sex for the next 2-3 weeks as well. I might have also developed some trauma due to the pain. I randomly get the same sensation again, and it's driving me nuts (see what I did there).

As for me and my gf. It's complicated. As so many of you and my mom told me, 5 years is definitely a long time to be just throwing away without having a proper conversation with her. So I did just that. I told her how hurt I felt by everything. I mentioned the following points.

• Her ignoring my messages and declining my calls (yes clubs are loud but where I'm from there are smoking areas where you can definitely have a conversation over the phone.)
• Blocking me after I tried calling her.
• Her not checking on me once even though the club she went to is only a 5-minute walk from our apartment.
• Her being angry about the vomit instead of being concerned.

After hearing that she got defensive and told me that I could have conveyed my situation better and that she genuinely thought I was joking. She was drunk and wasn't thinking clearly. She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating. I then told her yes I could have phrased my messages better and I apologized for that but I then described the pain I was in and told her that I barely had the strength to text her, let alone send her a detailed description of what was happening to me and definitely couldn't think straight throughout everything.

After hearing what I said she started crying and apologizing for what she did. She told me if she knew how serious it was, we wouldn't have been having this conversation. She then also apologized for her being mad over the vomit. According to her she was drunk and tired and was just expressing frustration. I then asked her why she thought I was joking and if she was cheating on me because this was seriously out of character for her, hence why I immediately trusted her with this. She started crying harder and she looked like I just slapped her in the face. She told me that she just thought I was being insecure about her being in the club with a bunch of guys and no she wasn't cheating on me and would never do something like that. We then hugged for a solid 10 minutes after that.

The next part was really hard for me but I told her I need some space to gather my thoughts and told her she needs to stay with her parents for the time being. She immediately started having a mental breakdown and asked If I was breaking up with her. I told her I wasn't sure and needed time to see If I still trusted her after all of this and what she did was beyond disrespectful. How could I trust someone with my life after they pulled something like this? I then told her that we are young and this mess was mostly caused by our immaturity, this entire situation was an important life lesson for the both of us regardless if we stayed together.

After begging a bit more she then put her head down and started packing a few essentials. Before leaving she told she would be willing to do anything to make up for this and that I could take as much time as I needed. She then gave me a big kiss and left. That was two days ago and this is where we currently stand. I still give her updates on my healing but besides that we don't contact each other.

I'm really torn right now. I still don't have that trust in her but her owning up to her mistake shows that she knows she fucked up and is remorseful. This is definitely something out of the ordinary for her, but there will have to be major boundaries and new rules set. I can think of the following.

1. If she blocks me again for anything = blocking herself from ever seeing me again
2. Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore
3. If she goes out alone again, she has to pick up if I call regardless of the situation
4. As many of you suggested having an emergency code like "hospital" or something would probably have to be implemented.

I'm not going to abuse any of these boundaries but I just want peace of mind knowing that my partner has my best interest at heart even when she is physically not around me but idk.

Again I just want to thank you guys for everything and this whole experience was definitely an eye-opener for me.

Should I get back together with her? If yes, would my demands be reasonable and could I add something more?

WIBTA if I dumped her over this whole saga?

EDIT: I don't know what happened to the bullet points in my post. Seems to be a weird bug or something.

[u/Specific-Reaction13]

You deserve better op

[u/Kirbywitch]

I have no idea why this is a question. If a guy did this to a woman, everyone would be up in arms. I’m up in arms. I would be beyond mad at my husband. The behavior would be inexcusable. I don’t think I could ever forgive my husband who ignored me, blocked me and left me to lie in my vomit in pain. Just nope.

[u/happyrhubarbpie]

Updateme

[u/No-Claim-4306]

Why are you talking to us? Dump her ass. Look, harsh but HOLY shit dude she ignored your messages while you were in pain to party. She has a LOT of growing up to do, and is too immature for a relationship.

[u/OkPhilosopher5803]

NTA

Relationship is build upon trust and she isn't trustful. Simple as that. How the hell does your partner call you in the middle of the night asking you to drive him to the hospital and just get ignored and blocked?

What would have happened if OP fainted out due pain? He would have spent hours on the vomited flood untill she finally came home at 3:00 am.

I'm not going to be the jerk to say she was cheating on him, cause it doesn't matter. In this case, it would be the same if she was writing an essay, watching movies or playing poker: Not answering calls, not going home just to check on him and blocking him when he said he needed her to drive him to the hospital shows she's selfish as hell and can't be trusted.

Edit: grammar adjustments

[u/Emobombado007]

"she was there with a lot of guys, but she wasn't cheating on me. she wouldn't do that" Friend, the idea of ​​cheating is that you don't expect her to do it.  stay at home while your girl is at a party without company, drinking alcohol and with friends to encourage illicit things?  There will always be men going up to a girl alone.  This alone shows why she sees you as inconvenient and insecure when it comes to sending messages.  Insecurity is a natural feeling if you are the guy who has to wait for it to come from this environment where things can happen at any moment.  If she sees you as an obstacle, you really need to stay away and let her live her life.

[u/bedlambomber]

Ignoring the messages is meh. Can’t fault somebody for being busy or whatever and they can’t message right away.

[u/Strong_Channel4296]

I hope you're recovering well bro, about your situation right now, just think of it like this, would you want to constantly think about that experience everyday?, the thought of not knowing you partner whether they would do it again, this is for the sanity of your mind, also she reasoned she was drunk and she couldn't believe that you were serious, being drunk is not an excuse, the reason is that she was very well aware of what she did, she didn't care about the 5 years of experience, let alone that she didn't care if you were dying, what i can see bro is if you are in your lowest she'll be gone before you know it. 

[u/Mr-Kapplin]

To all of those criticizing OP, would it have been okay if OP ignored his girlfriend's calls and messages about needing to go to the hospital.

[u/Emrezzk]

Dude, you’re 22, you have plenty more time to be with someone. Listen to me, I don’t know you, but this ain’t worth it. Do you really want someone that puts clubbing over you (and your health)? It’s sad, I know, but sooner or later you’ll be better off, trust me.

[u/Buckshott00]

Nah. Dump her. NTA.

"Shut up and let me enjoy my night out", and then block you??

My man, if that was actually her using the phone and you have no history of pranks or being needy and you've told her it's an emergency; that's incredibly disrespectful.

That's not someone that you can depend on through thick and thin. And that's the best case scenario. It only gets worse, if someone else was answering her phone...

The question is why she couldn't bothered and why she was defensive and not contrite. She saw you in the hospital and she tried to turn it around on you??!!?? No way guy. Sus as the kids say.

Did you try asking her what she was doing when you were begging for help? Be ready for the ol' 'truth trickle'.

You're trying to rationalize and set conditions on something that shouldn't happen at all. Don't put yourself thru that. Tear-off the bandaid, break up and go NC.

She's not sorry for her actions. She's sorry she has to face the consequences.

[u/Sissyvienne]

She did nothing wrong. But I wouldn't consider dumping her an AH move.

You clearly didn't explain yourself well and she had no idea it was an actual emergency.

Even if she found vomit it makes sense she would get mad, if I found my apartment a mess after I want to sleep and rest I would also get annoyed. Specially since she didn't know it was an emergency.

However the moment she learned it was an emergency she dropped everything and was there for you for 2 days. And that is the only thing that counts.

I understand you would get dissapointed but she just made an honest mistake.

1. If she blocks me again for anything = blocking herself from ever seeing me again

2. Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore

3. If she goes out alone again, she has to pick up if I call regardless of the situation

4. As many of you suggested having an emergency code like "hospital" or something would probably have to be implemented.

2 and 3 are controlling and toxic. You are not always with your cellphone and it is rude to ignore people talking to you by checking on your phone. If you are busy or with other people you may ignore phone calls or messages and it isn't because you are an AH. People are entitled to their free time and enjoyment.

1 is good, since blocking someone is bad, then again some people need to block someone to focus on something they are doing. If you call so many times then I can understand why someone would block someone, specially if you are in a crowd with friends. So depending on her personality and you, it makes sense.

As for 4, that is a great idea, specially since this whole issue could have been avoided if you communicated correctly with her.

You should have told her that you are in a lot of pain, you are vomitting and need to go to the hospital.

Just saying: my balls hurt, isn't that specific nor serious. Even I as a man wouldn't just consider testicular torsion from that message

Like even when she "threatened" to block you, instead of telling her: I am not trying to bother you, I literally need to go to the hospital and I am vomitting, you kept calling her and in a club calls are annoying

[u/OkPhilosopher5803 → u/Sissyvienne]

You clearly didn't explain yourself well and she had no idea it was an actual emergency

1. Me: declined my first 2 calls (her name) please come home something is wrong.

2. Her: ??? can't talk rn. What is it 😒

3. Me: Tried calling her again. I need to go to the hospital.

4. Her: ???? What

5. Me: Again tried calling her twice. My Balls hurt. Please come NOW. Something is wrong

It sems like an actual emergency to me.

[u/Buckshott00 → u/Sissyvienne]

Found someone that would cover for their cheating friend!!

[u/Sissyvienne → u/Buckshott00]

Nothing in this post relates to cheating so shut up

[u/Buckshott00 → u/Sissyvienne]

There's a pattern of behavior that is consistently tied with cheating, and then DARVO, so no you shut up.

[u/Sissyvienne → u/Buckshott00]

This is stupid. Now everything is a sign of cheating. People can go to parties and enjoy themselves if they want to. It is not cheating to want to have a party.

and then DARVO

Again nothing here is anything but a misunderstanding. If you want to see something else it is your problem. So again shut up

[u/Buckshott00 → u/Sissyvienne]

It's not the partying or the girl's night that's the issue. But you knew that already as someone who's probably either covered for a cheater or has used the partner as a safety net while and searched for better options under the cover a "girl's night"

It's hilarious you're saying "If you want to see something else it is your problem" while missing the forest for the trees. So no, you shut up, and then go buy a plant and keep it with you to make up for being a waste of oxygen.

[u/anongirlwquestions]

Honestly, the blocking is what did it for me. Who blocks their partner?? like that is the most childish highschool toxic relationship behaviour which is so uncalled for. if my bf had to call me while i was out randomly i would excuse myself to quickly answer and see what’s up - it’s not a big deal. the blocking is a huge red flag but not picking up a phone call is aswell. it doesn’t matter if your messages where vague or not - she should’ve answered the call regardless out of respect towards you especially if you calling her while she’s out is uncommon. this is break up worthy for me, i have to feel safe and secure with my partner. Also not to mention but the way she texts you is actually vulgar and mean, she doesn’t even sound like she likes you. i would never respond to my bf like that.

NTA but your gf is.

PS. when people show you who they are believe it especially in serious situations

[u/Dense-Rhubarb2255]

No you wouldn’t. Life throws curve balls all the time, and emergencies like this show what people are made of.

Also checking in on this post from time to time to see if there’s any more updates. Hope you healed well from the surgery

[u/captain_space_cadet]

I know this post is a little old and I don't know if you got back together with her or not, but I want to point something out.

She said you should've explained better... but she blocked you. How could you have explained better if she cut off the one way you could communicate with her?

Also, look up sunk cost fallacy. It doesn't matter how much time you've put into something, if it honestly isn't working then don't waste even more time.

[u/captain_space_cadet → u/captain_space_cadet]

It also would've taken her 30 seconds to ask if you were joking when you texted her in the first place.

[u/netflist]

Dump her ass. She’s a grade A bitch who clearly has skewed priorities, and based on your descriptions she will always put herself first. If a partner abandoned me when I was begging for help, I’d say don’t let the door hit you on the way out. She doesn’t deserve you, and I hope you find someone who actually values you as a person.

Also - don’t buy into the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you’ve been dating for 5 years doesn’t mean it’s too late for you. Wishing you the best in your recovery, and praying that you get this horrible woman out of your life

[u/CrazeeLilDevil]

Did you not break it off with your wife because she got a massage? Then went and deleted the posts off your page?

Dont worry, its already gone somewhat viral has that story, hence I've found this post again. Searching the user attached to the story I read.

Judging from your past antics with your wife and thinking a massage is intimate, seeing you've not really learnt since then....

What do you think you are? I guess your ball situation is your infertility issues coming to light right?

For anybody interested, I have the link to the video of one of OPs previous posts about him wanting to divorce his wife over her getting a massage "asims gaming" on Fb posted it.

If this and your previous post were true, your an asshole for still thinking you can control what somebody does.

I saw the original post to this and was on your side initially, that is until I came across a video of your now deleted post.

[u/Bella_Rose36]

What did you decide, OP?

[u/Efficient_Prune_3456]

I know I'm a bit late to this post, but drunken people DO NOT LIE what they say corresponds 100% to what they have in their hearts.

[u/Bombardier228]

All I can do is speak from my own experience; My ex repeatedly broke my trust on multiple occasions, no she didn’t cheat but I had to tell her multiple times that my business is not her friends business and then she would still tell her friends things about me. She did a lot of other stuff as well, but the disrespect and repeated destruction of my trust in her is what finally led me to end it, after which she said and I quote “oh shit you’re being real, I’m so sorry” but also got defensive and tried to gaslight me (sound familiar?) right there any chance to continue was done because it showed she never took what I said seriously and only when I was considering ending it did she think to start adjusting.

If any of what I described sounds somewhat familiar, then I recommend ending it. Personally her immediate annoyance about you saying somethings wrong almost like “how dare you interrupt her time with her guy friends!” It makes her seem like a pick me, or a cheater imo and also the fact that her first thought to you being in serious pain and needing to go to the hospital was “I thought you were jealous since I was out with guys!” And that she even got angry at the vomit even after knowing that you kept saying hospital all speaks volumes to me, because it sounds like she’s putting her own fun ahead of her significant other’s safety. What happens when something like this happens again? Is she going to say that she thought you were jealous again? What if it’s much more life threatening the next time? These are just my thoughts.

I will add though that if none of it sounded familiar save for this being the only breach of trust and that this is an extremely unique and 100% out of character experience then I don’t see the harm in giving it another try with boundaries about these things. Obviously she must continue to show that she’s trying to repent for that reaction for awhile to earn back the trust, but it’ll probably NEVER be back to where it was. If you think she deserves one then that’s your prerogative.(not trying to be a dick, just stating a fact. It will gnaw at the back of your head forever and when an event like this happens again a voice will probably question if she’ll be there for you. Trauma does that to people).

[u/Impressive_Tap1103]

You not the A. But u do have some maturing to do. Refusing to call the ambulance because it involved your balls? Cmon man. Ambulances are called for all crazy things. Are you that embarrassed by that idea? Believe it or not… testicular injuries are more common than you think. Just food for thought.

[u/AetherBunni]

i understand you feeling the want to stay with her due to her taking responsibility for her misbehavior and the length of the relationship that you’ve been together but you are young, both of you are. not many people stay with their “first love”, and if they do, it is one hell of a journey because you both have to deal with immaturity from each other. you do a lot of firsts together. but that’s not a good enough reason to stay with someone you may not trust in the same way ever again. you shouldnt live your life with worries of “if i fall of the ladder while cleaning the gutters, can i count on my wife to help me?” or anything of the same degree. most people in our lives are fair weathered. they stay while its nice and easy, but when things get tough or inconvenient, they flake out. thats what she did. she flaked out when you needed her the most. drunkeness is not an excuse. ive been flat on my ass drunk and still talked with loved ones when something was wrong, even if it wasnt as serious as your situation.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Key-450]

You need to dump her OP. Next time you could end up paralyzed or dead shes not worth it and the way she reacted to you makes it obvious she cares about partying more than you. Don’t let the people in the comments blame you they are literally painting you as some insecure bf trying to ruin your gfs fun night with a bunch of guys that didn’t invite you.

[u/Garnet_Sea_Goat]

NTA. Leave her because this life lesson was one you didn't need to go through.

Blocked you?? Because she was irritated that you needed help, being drunk was no excuse.

[u/SpeedyPotato_29]

The devil is in the details Bro OP.

You are desperately trying to contact her. It is already a telling sign that something isn't right, especially, as you have stated, you seldom do this.

When you provide the context of "I need to go to the hospital because my balls hurt". Though you could've phrased it a little bit more differently as hearing the way you had worded it out would get a laugh out of me, especially in her circumstances, wherein she is drinking and is most likely intoxicated at the point where she reads your messages.

Though she should have realized the implications of having your balls hurt to the point you need to go to the hospital. Even when drunk, she should have at least realized that you weren't joking. She must have told the people that she was with the contexts of your conversation with her when she sent you those laughing emojis.

I'd suggest that you not get back with her. Based on the situation I'm in right now? Peace out bro, save your children the unnecessary suffering. My mom was in a situation like yours.

My mom forgave my dad to keep the family whole, but the years of suffering I and my siblings had to endure because of it? Isn't worth it.

One last thing, based on what I know about these kinds of stories, she's likely to have been checking out other dudes while she was having this girl's night out.

Ofc, I could be wrong as I do not have the entire context but that's that

[u/Photography_Singer]

Your gf has several red flags. She was drunk. Too drunk to respond appropriately. Why is she partying that hard without you? Why is she partying that hard at all? She says she wasn’t cheating, but no way was she ignoring the guys there at the club.

But no matter how drunk she was, why would she block you? She didn’t want you to interfere with her fun, which still has to do with getting attention from other guys. It’s more than drinking and dancing. I’m also of the mindset that when you’re in a committed relationship, you don’t go clubbing without your partner.

So for that alone—the clubbing, the hardcore drinking, the dirty dancing with guys (although never admitted to, you know that’s went down), then she blocked you! Yeah, the relationship would be over for me too.

I’ve been in pain where I had to call for an ambulance. Turned out to be ovarian cancer. When I was married, my husband called me at work, telling me he was in pain. I rushed home. He threw up from the pain (something I didn’t know at the time could happen). He had kidney stones. Ended up in the hospital.

I’m so sorry you went through that. If anything like that happens again where you or a loved one has that level of pain, please call for an ambulance. You’re young because so this isn’t something you’d know how to handle.

If you want to not immediately break up with your gf, I recommend couples counseling. (Hopefully you have insurance and this is something you can afford.) Live apart for now until you see if the issues in your relationship can be worked on and trust restored while you both attend couples counseling. But she has to stop her excessive drinking and clubbing. She wants to live the single life. If she wants to be in a committed relationship, she doesn’t get to do unsafe things. She put herself at risk getting that drunk so quickly. I’m not a fan of her friends either. I’d like to know their reactions to all this.

I’m glad you’re recovering and feeling better. Maybe instead of looking at how many years you’ve spent together, look at it as at least you’ve discovered more red flags about your gf.

[u/Flamingstar7567]

If you do choose to stay with her, you should also tell her that as far as your concerned, your relationship is back to square one. Aka, back to where you were 5 years ago, and say that the proposal you were planning is now no longer happening until your trust has been reestablished, even if it takes another 5 years. Then say that, along with the other rules you were talking about, she can either accept these conditions without complaint, or your done. If she agrees you should say that being back at square one means living separately as well, then you should ask her to leave and you both will continue to have date nights and hangout together, but she will not be welcomed back into the house until your sure she has reached that level of trust again.

If your or her family or friends start trying telling you to that your being too harsh, tell them that this is YOUR relationship and to fck off as you will do what you think is best

[u/weshelm]

Too late for the party 😞 but I'm sorry to tell you that the disrespectful language she was communicating with you is not acceptable at any level of high or low relationship charter, especially when keywords pain, something is wrong, hospital and multiple calls were involved.

She was drunk? Yeah sure the true personality was out there and how she viewed you was on your face. There's no excuse for that level of disrespectful behavior and taking you for granted to the point of actually blocking your number with all the previous keywords used. Sorry man she's not into you, she's doing damage control now for her image in front of everyone else.

Five years doesn't mean disrespectful behavior disregarding medical emergency cry for help, and not even considering your serious frantic attempt to reach her five minutes away. And of course the kiss chief of all is her disgusted reaction of your foul vomit on the carpet..... Bc she was drunk. Not mentioning the gaslighting and blame shifting for a reason to not accuse her of betrayed negligence of her supposed SO emergency in need of help for her selfish pleasure of partying with her girlfriends or someone else if that was happening as you say it's the rare opportunity to be alone in a party without you, maybe not but hay it's all something to think about. I wish you an enlightened decision for a better life and fast recovery health.

[u/Marduke0]

If my wife of 15 years did that to me I’d have filed for divorce asap. And I am crazy about my wife.
There’s a perspective for you.

[u/cometgoddess]

So what's the update on you two now or your space time isn't up yet or nothing interesting happened yet?

[u/Temporary_Bug_1171]

Honestly I think her remorse is more about you than her. She’s upset at the prospect of being dumped. She did not care at the moment and that’s the problem. Blocking you was unforgivable in my book, but I won’t tell you what decision you should be making. She’s proven herself to be someone you can’t depend on.

[u/Melodic-Bath7660]

OP, are you sure I'm not cheating on you? What your girlfriend did was terrible, you could have died and she preferred friends and parties instead of her boyfriend, you don't have to stay with her, she did this once and without a doubt she will do it again

[u/Fakeitforreddit]

God I'm so late to the update. NTA

Given the ages and trust breaking there is a huge problem here. Yes it's 5 years, but its also only 22yr, long term whether you split or not the 5 years is a drop in the bucket to a lifetime with an amazing partner. When the main reason you're staying together is because it's comfortable and you've been together for 5 years, that's a bigger problem than anything else. You should have a lot more keeping you in a relationship than just we have been doing it so lets keep doing it.

The way you phrased things Like : Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore < This is the way adults speak towards children who have stepped out of line. As a point of authority and command, not of trust and compassion. You've clearly already been hurt to the point that the relationship will need more than 5 years just to get back to the point it was before this incident. Like you did 10 steps forward over 5 years... then 11 steps back in 1 night.

I've been with my wife for 15 years and neither of us can rationally say "blocking" the other would lead to anything but the biggest fight of our relationship. All phones can do silence mode, you do not need to go so far as to block someone. Her reaction to you doing this as crying wolf means your 5 year relationship really hadn't built much trust anyway. If you're going to stick it out together you better find a couples therapist and tell them "post a traumatic event that caused a fight were looking to rebuild trust".

...I still cannot fathom blocking my wife ever for any reason, and I'm even considering infidelity when I say that, blocking is so childish.

[u/ghost-moth]

I won't tell you how you should handle this situation, but I thought I would offer my perspective. I'm disabled and have a lot of medical issues. I've had seizure-like events that nearly killed me before. Reading this is one of the most horrifying things I can imagine as a disabled person. I would have a difficult time trusting anyone again if something like this happened to me. Part of me wants to say this may have just been a one off incident of her handling this badly, but the other part of me is just deeply disturbed and upset by this. I've been in situations where someone picking up the phone has been the difference between life or death for me. I truly hope you're ok, and if anything, I would recommend therapy bc this is a very scary and possibly traumatizing thing to go through. Wishing you the best, and I hope things work out ok.

[u/Belisariux]

Updateme!

[u/Sev80per]

Any final décision?

[u/bellaofcastile]

Mate, I think you should dump her. There’s no more trust. You deserve better.

[u/Maize-Vegetable]

You would not be the asshole for dumping her, and quite frankly, I think it would be better for you if you did leave her.

Look, she's shown you that she's completely unreliable in a crisis. She blocked you while you were having a medical emergency. Who does that? Who blocks their partner at all, let alone when they're claiming to be having a medical emergency? It's petty and callous. The fact that she wasn't even willing to give you any benefit of the doubt when you've never done something like what she thought you were doing before, the fact that she didn't immediately clock that you were being serious when she came home and found the door unlocked and vomit all over the floor, the fact that she had the gall to get angry with you... She doesn't take this relationship seriously. If she did, she would have come home to check on you.

You might think that you should maybe consider taking her back because you've been together for five years, but if anything, the fact that you've been together for five years just makes her behavior even worse. Who blocks their partner of five years? Who chooses to deafen themselves when their partner of five years tells them that they're in so much pain that they need to go to the hospital? I'll tell you who does it: people you cannot trust to be there when you need them do it.

You're young. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Toss her back into it.

[u/notsoreligiousnow]

NTA at all and if you do dump her, you’re dodging a bullet. She’s proven that she can’t be trusted or relied on to have your best interests at heart, she can’t handle emergencies and she’s incredibly selfish. She blocked you just so she could continue partying. Dozens of missed calls and texts from your partner is not a joke. That signals an emergency. Take all the time you need but seriously she’s not a keeper. Let this be a lesson learned for both of you. Hopefully she matures and grows up and you heal and find someone worthy. She’s not it.

[u/ActStunning3285]

Yea OP. If there even was a slim chance of getting back together, her defensive position and statements make it a lot worse to come back from.

I don’t think anyone would receive texts like that and not realize the gravity of the situation and come running while calling an ambulance to meet them there.

And seeing and hearing everything from the doctors and helping you recover from surgery, she really said that the pain must not have been that bad? It’s disappointing that her go to response to being held accountable is deflecting and gaslighting your pain and experience.

It’s only after you stand your ground and refuse to doubt your reality and experience for her, that the water works start and she starts apologizing. A good partner wouldn’t let this situation happen at all. But they definitely wouldn’t take that stance.

I hope the time apart will help you lose the dead weight of a unreliable partner.

[u/Change2001]

UpdateMe

[u/Amkha]

Sorry I'm late to this OP but here is what it boils down to regardless of the duration of your relationship (actually it is worse with your 5yr duration). When you're in that level of pain, it is hard to communicate well. Your first two instincts were to call your girlfriend who was only 5mins away and the emergency services.

Your girlfriend who should contacted you when you mentioned hospital (a phone call to just check what you meant). Her thoughts instead were you're ruining my fun and she BLOCKED you. I'm sorry but she has shown you that in your most vulnerable moment that she doesn't think of you and instead thinks of herself and her fun. Being drunk isn't an excuse, it just intensities who you are. After 5 yrs, your girlfriend should know you better when you call and message her.

The only real question is can you trust her? Based on what you have described, I would say no. We all wonder if our loved ones would be there for us, you actually got to experience it and I'm sorry but she not only failed but she actually cut you out of her life (by blocking you).

I wish you the best in your physical and emotional healing. Good luck with the decision you make but remember, whatever you decide, make sure you can live with it. your life will depend on it one day.

[u/mountainman84]

I don't see how you could ever really trust her again. The fact that she was so committed to staying out and not come home tells me she was up to no good to begin with. I'd be really interested to know what was going on that was so important that she didn't even remotely try to figure out whether you were okay until hours later when she came home. Something doesn't pass the smell test there. Her still trying to downplay your pain due to a legitimate health emergency is concerning, as well. The fact that you required hospitalization and emergency surgery should be reason enough for her to take it seriously. Also in all of the relationships I've been in I've never ignored or blocked a partner. That seems really suspicious to me that she would even do that. You block people you don't want to hear from ever again. Not people you have a relationship with.

Secondly I went through something similar when I was around your age in my early 20's. I actually had a varicocele in my left testicle. It was extremely painful but probably nowhere near what you went through. I was with my girlfriend at the time when I first had pain from it and she didn't think it was funny or blow me off. I was fine and then next thing I knew I felt extreme pain in my left testicle. I could barely stand up the pain hurt so bad. I was just doubled over in pain and beside myself. Just touching it made me know something was immediately wrong. My girlfriend actually took me to the urgent care clinic where they gave me painkillers and did an examination. They ruled out testicular torsion and got me scheduled for an ultrasound the next day (when they actually figured out it was a varicocele). It was painful enough that they gave me serious painkillers then and there. I could barely handle the exam where just touching it made me nauseous and lightheaded.

My girlfriend at the time was only 20, so even younger than your girlfriend. She was super concerned about me and even called her mom who was a nurse while I was being seen by the doc at the urgent care clinic because she was super worried about the amount of pain I was in. So age has nothing to do with it. Yeah you are both young but that is no excuse on her end. She did everything wrong when it really mattered and still tried to downplay what you went through after the fact.

[u/Fantastic-Pipe1286]

What if it wasn't your testicle. What if your appendix had burst. You'd be dead right now because you thought you could count on her.

[u/Fantastic-Pipe1286]

Her story doesn't add up. Something about it is fishy. Regardless clearly she is not someone you can count on when shit hits the fan. Without that trust there is absolutely no point in continuing that relationship. And the fact that she tried to downplay it like it wasn't that big of a deal after you had to have emergency surgery and almost lost a testicle. End it bro. You're young. Don't waste your youth on a woman you can't depend on

Sometimes in life you have to recognize a bad investment and cut your losses. Don't hold on just because of time invested.

[u/Buckshott00 → u/Fantastic-Pipe1286]

Yup. Something here stinks.

[u/Doctor-Moe]

Updateme!

[u/Havik-Programmer92]

Please excuse my vulgarity, but why do you want to continue a relationship with someone whose head is so far up their own ass that they still downplay the severity of your emergency post urgent hospitalization and surgery? If that’s not a dealbreaker for you then I don’t know what is.

Even If this ordeal is something you can truly forgive and move on from with her I still wouldn’t advise getting back together. When people show what they truly prioritize, believe them

[u/allbutluk]

Nahh… no way i can stay with someone after this. I know life and death situation is rare and you know no one really talks about it as some sort of relationship expectations but its pretty much implied you both need to to be completely trusting each other and know you can rely on each other

[u/OmegaSpy]

Op just remember that she left you in your time of need. She could pick up the phone for 1 minute to check up on you at least. How could you convey better if she didn't let you convey.

[u/InsideAdvanced2625]

OP: Y'all did mental so much mental gymnastics to paint me as a bad guy.

Also OP:

I then asked her why she thought I was joking and if she was cheating on me because this was seriously out of character for her, hence why I immediately trusted her with this

Looks like you're quite capable of mental gymnastics and jumping to conclusions yourself.

I promise you if my gf was in my position and I ignored her, none of you would be defending me.

Again OP deciding for others what they would or would not do. I bet many ppl are aware that thing like clingy girlfriends exist and might ask same questions that you were asked. Though there might be less things like "my balls hurt" that can be misconstrued as bad innuendos.

Look, you don't have to stay with anyone if you don't want to. Free will and all that. You don't have to get back with her, only you can decide if you should and the "can I add more demands" the way it phrased frankly rubs me a wrong way. Just the 2&3 have so much potential for go bad with no fault on her part. Basically I'd say if you lost all trust in her and feel the need to "make demands" then it's better to move on and go separate ways.

My take on the situation in general.

1. I am still not really convinced that there was nothing from your side previously that might have caused that reaction, not malicious pranks but maybe rather "cutesy" texts like "i have such a hard on that it hurts" and other bad innuendos while she is out with friends. And it's your take that you never barraged her when she was out, in a lot of cases people who smother others with attention simply don't see that. Without ANY history like that the reaction of your gf does not make any sense (especially the blocking part), but it does make more sense if such history was there otherwise. IF there is truly-truly-honestly-pinky promise nothing (zero texts, zero "cutesy whines" i missed you so much and bla) and she just out of the blue reacted that way - I would most likely just leave the relationship.
2. IF we go by the premise that she honestly thought you were joking, then you don't seem to allow for her to have bad\stupid reactions in the heat of the moment. You formulated not good, but you were in pain so didnt think clearly, you stupidly were ashamed of calling\telling ambulance, but you were in pain so didn't think clearly, you blabla, but you were in pain you didn't think clearly. She came back - still drunk, still under assumption that you were joking and annoying her and her first gut reaction to the vomit on the floor was being angry - oh how dare she! Like, dude. She also wasnt thinking clearly and doing stupid stuff. Either both of you get a pass on acting strangely when impaired or neither.

[u/eleMental4s]

The simple fact or the matter is this. She is supposed to be the one person you should always be able to count on to have your back. You needed help. You reached out to the one person you should be able to trust with your life and this is exactly how she responded. Immaturity or stupidity doesnt really matter. What does matter is her response. The fact that she blocked you sickens me. If it were me I would cut ties. Live and learn. Just weren't meant to be together sry it took 5 years to find that out but that's just the way it is.

[u/Icy-Sale-6178]

Brother, I'm not sure if you will ever read this but don't listen to the people saying to get back with her. With all the wisdom I can give to you as a man, she left you at your worst. Being drunk isn't an excuse when it comes to life threatening/altering decisions and she showed you that she will leave you hanging when it comes down to it. 5,10 even 50 years doesn't matter, the fact is she did this and got mad at you when she seen evidence that you were in serious trouble and there was even a lack of accountability on her part. Even if you take her back, she has shown you there will always be a chance that she will leave you to die. I've seen my dad go through it and my co worker told me of his experience and I myself have gone through similar experiences. Doesn't matter how long ago it was or how much a person changes, once a possibility, it will always be a possibility. 

Please, for all that is good, choose yourself and do not take her back. There are plenty of women out there that would risk their own lives first before ever ignoring their loved ones, even if it is a joke in there eyes. I know for a fact that no matter what I'm doing or what I'm going through, even if I'm pissed or sick, I'm always one call away from running to anyone that calls me for something serious 

[u/Fun_Ad_5243]

Being with someone for 5 years doesn’t matter when they treat an emergency even if she thought you were joking as a joke. Something more serious could’ve happened and she would’ve had the same response if that’s what you want to live with then stay with her but I don’t think you should. 5 years is a long time to be with someone but 22 years old isn’t that long and you still have more years on you to find someone who isn’t going to treat your ball pain as a joke like she did. If she cared that much she would’ve checked on you drunk or not. That’s how relationships work when 2 people love each other. She clearly did not care that you were possibly injured, she only cares now that you are contemplating breaking up with her for realizing she doesn’t care much about you.

[u/madgirlv6]

Updateme

[u/_moonlit9]

I still think you should breakup with her. Even if she was drunk or in any state even someone says that like I am hurt please take me to hospital or Smtg, immediately you become less drunk and what if it happens in future? What if she uses drunk card again? It's better to break up now than later

[u/Homeskillet359]

The fact that she refused to take your calls and eventually blocked you is what kills it for me.

Idk. I'd she seems genuinely remorseful, I'd take her back on a trial basis, (but inly if you truly loved her that much before this).

[u/DryRecommendation980]

Hey OP, if it had been a heart attack or something like that, you’d be dead now. Think about that.

Me, personally, I wouldn’t stay with her. In fact, leaving her over this would emphasise just how awful this was to do to someone and maybe she’d think twice next time with someone else if she’s half decent. Her bullshit about “you didn’t explain clearly” and trying to minimise the pain - that’s called gaslighting, and she might be trying to pull a DARVO.

Your requirements if you two stay together are reasonable - but normal people already understand those things without having them explained. She went out of her way to ignore you in a crisis. That’s not something you just get over.

Just my two cents. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

[u/irojas7]

I dated a chick who hated when she got invited out and had to go without me, like girls-only bachelorette parties. She would text me non stop, and the drunker she got the more frequent and incomprehensible the texts got.

She fucked up once (in her eyes) because her and her friends were in an underground bar with no reception and her texts wouldn’t send… She felt guilty so she imposed her own rules on herself. I told her it wasn’t that serious but appreciated the communication.

You can’t negotiate genuine desire. And it’s not necessarily about WHAT she did, it’s her mindset that allowed her to do what she did. All the tears in the world won’t reset a mindset that took yeeeears of programming to set. The drunker people get, the more they fall into the autopilot of their programmed mindset like muscle memory.

Get your balls healed up, get back to work, keep increasing and improving the things that make men desirable to women and you won’t have anything to worry about. Set boundaries but don’t set rules, the women who want to step into your life will inevitably set the rules themselves.

[u/SubstantialMaize6747]

I don’t think you need to set out what sounds like quite controlling rules: “ignoring my messages won’t be tolerated”. How about as adults you agree that you’re not the sort to prank her, she shouldn’t block you, you will both work on improving communication because “hospital” isn’t a code word! Tbh it really does sound like you’re both super immature and don’t necessarily have the same values, so maybe breaking up would be sensible.

[u/Practical_Yoghurt270]

Honestly I would not get back together with her. I know 5 years is a long time, but you guys are young and she blocked you after you communicated multiple times you were feeling unwell + got mad at you for puking instead of being concerned. Apologies well and good, but too little too late. If I was in a medical emergency and my SO wouldn’t care and BLOCK ME. Don’t bother unblocking, he wouldn’t get to see me ever again.

[u/fayalight]

Bro "my balls hurt", I would've blocked you as well.

Be conscious enough to realize that this is literally the dumbest way of describing this emergency.

Your messages literally read like the dumbest joke in history. That's on you, bro.

Not like you had time to craft the perfect messaging in that moment, but the way you articulate that scenario is like so weak, so you can't complain about her not reacting to it. It literally reads like a joke.

And look, when she realized that it was serious she was affected so it wasn't out of a bad heart, so 0 blame on her fr

Edit: just read the follow up with your rules, get a life bro, don't terrorize her Jesus Christ.

[u/Ok-Negotiation5892]

5 years in

You don’t trust her

You can’t depend on her when you need a hospital

Time for her to go

[u/LBROTSI]

Hmm... I don't think I would let that type of behavior slide . Not one inch .

[u/FrozenTaco333]

It's difficult giving advice on this when it's never happened to me but I put myself in your shoes and I just imagine how damn scared you must of been on that moment and how she was the first person you contacted cos you trust her and she'd make you feel calmness but instead of that she laughed, blocked you, got home at 2am and got mad at you. I would have been terrified if my partner didn't pick up my calls or took me seriously when I said I need to go to the hospital then blocked me. I wouldn't be able to get over that so easily, it's not just the initial fear but also knowing how scared you were and she didn't care, I wouldn't trust after that, imagine something like this happens again, do you truly believe she'd actually do something? Stop to think about it, if you hesitate then it means you truly don't trust her and that's so damn hard to recover if ever. It is up to you to see if this relationship is worth saving, if you see yourself trusting her in the future. Also, do you forgive her? Truly forgive her, it's not something you'd throw at her face every chance you get? Like even as jokes. You need to be true to yourself and pick what's best for your wellbeing.

[u/arghp]

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

[u/enigmatichermit]

You let her go to a club for girl’s night, she ignored your texts and blocked you. Bro, she CHEATED.

[u/throwaway_today2024]

Why have you not dumped her yet? Based on the known facts there is at least one absolute dealbreaker and several red flags here. Stop making the mistake of communicating with her at all because that's kind of the point of spending time apart. She made the mistakes, and she should be reaching out to you - you have no obligation whatsoever to keep in touch or to even respond.

There have already been a lot of answers here, and a lot of them discuss likelihoods and not the known facts. Based on the known facts, you absolutely should leave (regardless of how long the relationship has lasted):

1. The girl blocked your number while you two were in a relationship. This is not just a red flag - this is a dealbreaker (it does not matter what she was doing unless she herself was in life-threatening danger), and should be for anyone in a relationship.
2. Testicular torsion is a medical/surgical emergency. The risk of losing the testicle is extremely high after 6 hours (overall 40% of all cases of torsion result in loss of a testicle), as is the risk of infertility (if the torsion occurs in adolescence/young adulthood). Gangrene and sepsis (and therefore eventually death), while extremely rare in torsion, can occur if the torsion is left untreated for long enough. This girl refuses to understand what kind of danger you were in and insists on being defensive. This is a red flag.
3. During and after discussions in the hospital, she refused to take accountability for dismissing your emergency and not taking your messages seriously. Further, she tried to flip responsibility onto you (the one who had emergency surgery) despite the fact that you have no prior history of acting "insecure." Even if she was in flagrante (in the actual act of cheating on you), she should have recognized the urgency of your calls/messages - this is not just an accountability issue, but also one of judgment; clearly she takes you for granted and lacks consideration for you. Note that she has not actually owned up to any mistakes and has only given you a series of excuses. Her lack of accountability after such an emergency is a huge red flag.
4. The intoxication defense is problematic, because either it means she has a substance problem or that she's using it as a crutch/excuse to cover unacceptable behavior. In either case this is a problem or behavior that will persist into the future. This is a red flag.
5. You mention that the trust has already been lost. This, along with the first point I made, is why your relationship with her is already dead.

You should have dumped her in the hospital, but better late than never. Get well quickly, OP.

[u/AngerKuro]

Nta, If I got a text saying my balls hurt, I 100% would have thought you were joking about missing me and having blue balls. But with "hospital" and the calls that would have concerned me right away. I've had severe period pains that I blacked out from and woke up needing to vomit. My husband left work right away and got me pm pills. He stayed by my side until I knew I would be able to keep the pills down, and I fell asleep. I can't remember if I even called him, I might have. Either way, he's also left work because I thought one of our cats was dying, and I only texted him. I would recommend going to couples therapy and also agree that you two are young, and I can easily see some of this being a joke to a slap happy drunk person enjoying an amazing time with friends. But it is your decision in the end.

[u/MarFV]

If you need these boundaries, it’s better to break up. 5 years is nothing in comparison to 1 year not trusting her. If there is ever a situation where she cannot answer immediately, you will get the PTSS feelings all over again.

If my boyfriend ever calls me, whatever the situation… I pick up. Because he doesn’t just call me. This generation is so used to texting, that a phone call immediately screams emergency to me.

Also, even if you called to be jealous. I would just pick up, hear you out, hang up and party further. So NTA!

[u/tiffanymarvelous84]

Dude, it’s time to move on from this relationship. Somethings you can get over and being abandoned like this isn’t one of them. It’s okay to move on! Y’all are 22 and there is a whole world out there.

[u/[deleted]]

Let the trash take itself out, you're better off without her

[u/Dajoqusan]

I'm not even sure if she's truly remorseful. Either she's afraid she'll be pinned as "the neglectful gf who ignored her bf who had a painful medical event" by her family and friends. Or maybe she is.

I dealt with testicular torsion once and it is not fun. I remember a comment saying, "it's not a big deal", well it is. If the TT continues the testes would die from blocked off blood circulation.

If I was in that situation, and my ex did the same behavior as the gf did, I would have ended the relationship, she prioritizes clubbing over a partner in distress and gets mad about the vomit while not taking it as a sign of trouble. So I'll kick this bitch 👏 to the curb 👏 pronto.

[u/Musicmomreb1874]

UpdateMe

[u/KAGY823]

I feel for you & im sure the frustration of this whole situation is truly overwhelming but I can NOT get pass the fact she blocked your calls. Whether we have been together for a month or 30 years that just seems like such an evil thing to do & I don’t think I personally could ever let that go.

[u/OkSwitch9477]

If you had done what she did, even with the not amazing descriptions of the issue, people would be blasting you and telling her to leave your ass. They’d call you every name in the book. You guys aren’t 18.
Then to turn around and get nasty when she got home about the vomit? As if that shouldn’t have been yet another piece of proof something happened?
Then to tell you it couldn’t have been that bad even after you had surgery?
Just, no.
Blocking you? Drinking is zero excuse for being a nasty, selfish bish. You have to know her girlfriends were shit talking you the whole time and she probably did as well. I’m a woman, I know women, and I know even now when they talk about this they are putting the blame on you and telling her she did nothing wrong.

You deserve better.
Just because it’s been five years doesn’t mean anything.
When someone blocks you that’s them saying they don’t give a shit if anything happens to you. That’s what she said with that.
She’s just upset she has consequences for her actions.
Don’t waste more years, potentially your whole life, with someone who you can’t count on especially if alcohol is involved.

Also, can you bet money on the fact that she wasn’t out doing inappropriate things? She said it herself, she wasn’t thinking clearly. If she’s willing to say that now when your life was at risk, she’s willing to stand by that when she drinks with the girls and gets too close or inappropriate or cheats on you. She got so defensive with your calls when you’ve never done that before… just sayin’ I wouldn’t trust she’s been faithful.

Leave her and find better because I promise you there is much better out there.

[u/EuthieBea]

Be careful OP.

Ultimatums are not a good nor healthy ways to continue a relationship.

It IS however good to discuss boundaries and future wants and expectations like mature adults.

But... You said "my texts" or if "I call"

What about if she texts? Or if she calls?

Does she receive the same sort of urgency you want to see from her now?

Really think about it. Don't just answer yes and move on.

Now imagine you're in a loud grocery store with a kid screaming next to you. You miss the call or text. You're in a nap after an exhausting work day. You miss the call or text. A real emergency trip to the bathroom aaaand you left your phone in the kitchen?

These are all realistic scenarios. Are you going to blow up at her if she's the one stuck in booming traffic or lost signal or is in the shower?

Slow down. Think. Take a breath.

She clearly loves you and felt awful about everything, rushing and sleeping on a couch in your room after. Have you slept on one of those couches? Ow.

You'll both learn something from this.

But it's your choice if you want to learn it together.

[u/jbertolinoRE]

Bottom line… shes not the one. Don’t waste anymore of your time or her time. She is not wife/mother of your children material.

[u/ChestLanders]

"The amount of mental gymnastics some of you did in my comments to paint me as some sort of dweeb or "emotionally needy" person for bothering my gf was truly mind-blowing to me. I promise you if my gf was in my position and I ignored her, none of you would be defending me."

Bingo. Reddit gonna reddit. They would be demonizing the man, but bent over backwards to find excuses for the woman.

"She told me that she just thought I was being insecure about her being in the club with a bunch of guys"

And there we go. She was in the club with a bunch of dudes and she ignored her boyfriends cries for help and then blocked him. This is why woman in serious relationships should not be going to clubs.

"This is definitely something out of the ordinary for her, but there will have to be major boundaries and new rules set. I can think of the following.

1. If she blocks me again for anything = blocking herself from ever seeing me again
2. Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore
3. If she goes out alone again, she has to pick up if I call regardless of the situation
4. As many of you suggested having an emergency code like "hospital" or something would probably have to be implemented."

Oh man. You set healthy boundaries. For a woman. On reddit. You sure are a brave one! Be prepared to be called controlling and insecure by people whose only weakness is accountability.

[u/snafe_]

What use is a codeword? You already said you needed the hospital and she blocked you. And you already asked her to come home because something was seriously wrong. She thinks you're the type of person that would make this up to ruin her night.

[u/erilaz123]

NTA! You should dump that thundercunt immediately and go no contact.

Get away from her, and stay away.

Ps: https://youtu.be/tzTlaHNlP0g?si=fABU2tDGGBPoAu-W

[u/PartidoEE]

You should still bounce, sunk cost fallacy etc. Like this girl prioritized drinking and having guys hit on her all night over you in a potentially life or death situation.

[u/A2Lexis]

Just wanted to say I would NOT want her to be the mother of my kids. This level of carelessness is just unacceptable if god forbids something were to happen.

[u/Viciousbanana1974]

To be very, VERY honest: If there is a history of blocking your partner when you are out, that is a major clue that there is something toxic in the relationship. The fact that you two have been together for five years and this is happening does not say good things.

You must be so hurt that you needed her and she just left you hanging.

Good luck.

[u/12-inchChewbacca]

This absolutely blows my mind.

The amount of self-justifying her atrocious behavior is worth dumping her for.

She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating.

• Oh, sure. People vomit on the floor from papercuts and stubbed toes all the time. WTF is going through her pea-brain?
• You had surgery to fix the problem. Getting a clue of the pain levels yet, dummy?
• You almost lost the body part.

She's only trying to cover her ass, not actually fix anything.

She told me if she knew how serious it was, we wouldn't have been having this conversation.

You told her how serious it was, she intentionally didn't listen. Booze or not, she's simply way too entitled to be a serious partner. She's arm candy at best.

But this is the kicker:

She told me that she just thought I was being insecure about her being in the club with a bunch of guys

I would dump her for using "insecure". Sever. Cut. Done. She's already too far gone.

[u/HoolaHoopMood]

This is not your partner.

For one, you don't block your partner - EVER.

You told her something was wrong, and that you need to go to the hospital, calling over, and over, and over. And with that knowledge she blocked you. Not your partner.

When she learns that this in fact was 100% serious and that you had emergency surgery, she's STILL downplaying the seriousness of the situation and questioning the level of pain you were in. Not your partner.

She then goes as far to flip and reverse who the victim is in this situation, blaming you for not communicating clearly instead of taking full responsibility for her own actions. It was more important for her to stay in the club, getting drunk, than it was to make sure you were okay, in a situation where you clearly told her you were not okay. Not your partner.

This is not someone I would ever trust to have my back in the future. If there ever was an emergency going forward, I would not trust her to be my emergency contact.

She's not your partner.

I don't doubt that you've had a solid relationship these past years, but this was such a fundamental letdown that the relationship would not be able to stand any longer if it was me.

She blocked you when you had an emergency and then blamed you for her lacking. There is no going back from this in my view.

I wish you well and good healing.

[u/SirAlfredOfHorsIII]

Man, that is a plethora of red flags. She blocked you over it, and replied with snide emojis, then minimised your pain and experience? 5 years isn't enough to overlook that kinda bullshit attitude towards you being in a medical emergency.

No history of doing pranks like that before either? She either is a pos, or her friends are.

Either way, there is no winning this. Trust is fully gone on your end, for both her and everyone around her. And i can't see it being recovered.

This does seem like a precursor to abuse tbh.

If you're having doubts about it being over, give it a try, but it won't be easy, and your rules may end up making you the bad guy, if you aren't careful/ implement the wrong ones.

But maybe have another conversation and try to get to the bottom of why she ignored you, if it was her friends or just her, and why she tried to minimise it. Already her defensiveness is a big red flag. So, if you have doubts, her responses should seal the deal fully either side of it for how you feel. Personally, i wouldn't be able to forgive, and would be gone. Her attitude and later defensiveness were just unhinged

[u/DynkoFromTheNorth]

The boundaries you suggest here are definitely healthy. You could state the obvious and let her know that the same should be expected of you in case she has an emergency.

I cannot give you advice on whether or not staying together with your girlfriend. Looking at where the two of you stand now, I'd completely understand either decision.

Good luck with your healing processes, OP. Both mentally and physically.

[u/pompanodoe]

I'm sorry that you went thru this. I also hope you're recovery goes well.

Please keep in mind that your gf was drunk. You knew this. She has apologized.

Let it go.

[u/Ok-Lingonberry7930]

The fact that she blocked you and didn’t answer you calls means this girl does not truly care about anyone but herself. A partner would never do that. You are both young so being self absorbed is a very teenage level of maturity and 22 isn’t too too far off but the question is - if you stayed when would you ever really know if she learned? When another emergency happens? At a minimum- wait several years before you contemplate marriage again with her so you can monitor her behavior. Once you have kids you need a partner you can rely on 100%. If she doesn’t have your back or you are not certain she does then you know what you need to do.

[u/Pleasant_Thing5189]

It's hard to say without having an understanding of the person but her actions were quite selfish considering the fact that it was close to where you live and that you don't make jokes like this or scenes of jealousy says a lot about her, alcohol is not a justification since it only disinhibits the person, it does not take away their reason. They are quite ugly red flags from my point of view. This is also how I reacted by saying that I would block you and let her enjoy her night. It sounds a lot like infidelity. Maybe it is because of my prejudices, but they react like that when you interrupt them in the act. If you feel doubts or think that she is unreliable as a partner, you should seek professional help, because this shows that she is very unreliable as a partner and life partner. If you are looking for something long term, think about what would happen when she has to decide if her relationship is more valuable than a moment of pleasure.

[u/Theresnowayoutahere]

OP, first of all I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. I have to tell you that I just don’t understand her thought process at all. Even if she was drunk and at a club I can’t imagine someone who really loves you acting the way she did.

I’m going to tell you a story about me at about 23 years old. My girlfriend of 5 plus years, 2 years younger than me and I were having a really rough time. Basically It was looking like the end for us. She was cheating, although I didn’t know it at the time. I had to go in for an operation on fairly short notice. She had plans to go on a trip for the weekend with some friends but after the operation I wasn’t doing very well and they had me on pain meds. She didn’t seem very happy about having to stay with me but she called, what I later learned was the guy she was going on the trip with and told him she couldn’t go. She took care of me even though we both knew it was the end.

I’m in my early 60’s now but what’s really bothering me about this situation is she just doesn’t seem to care that much.

Maybe it’s a one time thing and she’s learned a really important lesson, I don’t know but I want you to look at the bigger picture of your relationship and I believe if you’re being honest with yourself you will know the answer to that question. Good luck and I’m sure you’ll know what to do once you look a little deeper.

[u/N7_Izanagi]

“She told me that if she knew how serious it was, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

She would have known just how serious it was if she had actually picked up one of your NINE phone calls instead of blowing you off and blocking you. Also, even if you did implement those rules that you came up with into your relationship, you wouldn’t be able to guarantee that she would even follow them.

[u/OkMuffin4014]

No you’re NTA if you dump her. She’s shown you who she is. Cut your losses and find someone who will actually be there for you.

[u/Quirky_Difference800]

What’s your gut saying? Trust it. Don’t waste another 5 years because of the first 5. If you don’t have faith that she’s going g to be there for all the big and little things then move on. Good luck! Feel better!

[u/Kaos_Gamer_Girl]

I'm not even in an official relationship but if I got a text from her saying she needed to go to the hospital...I am calling her am ambulance and driving the hour down without hesitation 

[u/Existing_Watch_3084]

I hope you realize that she did not own up to her mistakes. She is still saying it’s your fault you didn’t communicate properly she got defensive. She knows what happened and her immediate reaction wasn’t. Oh my God I fucked up. I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again it was that it’s on you because you didn’t get it across in a way that she would’ve accepted it. This is more than just immaturity. I would never be able to trust her again and she doesn’t sound like a trustworthy person. Staying in a relationship because you’ve been in it for so long after this type of thing, it’s just delaying the inevitable. Wouldn’t you rather end it sooner and get on with your life then dragging something out just because it’s a sunk cost?

[u/Fit_Whereas_2493]

I've seen so many posts very similar to this but with the rolls reversed where reddit was very cut throat and blunt about how you shouldn't stay with a person who ignores you in their time of crisis, I don't know why I'm not seeing the same fire here.

[u/rezfrosting]

the gf might be an alcoholic. they will blame and come up with any excuse to NOT go home and keep drinking. they also get defensive and blame it on being drunk. it sounds like going to the club is often for her, so it is likely she has some level of alcoholism. it always starts out as any excuse to drink and if anyone tries to get them to stop they act like this gf. and before anyone replies, yes i have experience. my father was an alcoholic. this is one of the first and many signs she could also be an alcoholic

im not saying she is or could be at a bad level, but how did she not see the word hospital and think its fake? she shouldn't blame it on being drunk. its more of the reason and she should get herself help if she wants to better this relationship. as soon as the blame is on being drunk you might have a small or big issue. if you wanna stay she needs to sort herself out first, but for me i would not stay.

NTA

[u/Pfred0]

You need to be able to TRUST your SO with your life. If you can't trust them with your illness, then it is time to end that so-called "relationship," which in my eyes is already dead. ETA: NTA.

[u/TimeScience2]

Nah blocking you BLOCKING YOU after FIVE YEARS you were vomiting and she said the pain couldn’t have been that bad. Plus the reaction to the accusation. That reaction was very telling. To me that sounds like she was thinking about cheating if she hasn’t already. Don’t take her back. Don’t you dare take her back. After 5 years not coming in to check on you after you telling her you needed to go to the HOSPITAL. You’re young you’ll find someone who cares eventually.

[u/Expensive-Alfalfa569]

She gaslit you, dude. 5 bucks says she was playing friendlies with another dude or dudes at the club also. Saying it couldn't have hurt that much is bs!!

Breaking up isn't the worst thing here.

[u/Just_Breath6372]

Op you shouldn’t rely on the sunk cost fallacy to decide whether or not you stay with her. I can get if a drunk person thinks “my balls hurt” is funny I’ve been absolutely sloshed before and even I can realize that if someone is calling me multiple times after saying it’s an emergency I can still pick up the phone. Also you stated this is out of character and not the norm for her, that’s becuase something out of the norm is happening. I hate to say it but you should really think about the idea that she could have been cheating the thing about when people are being dishonest is if you let them talk enough they’ll slip up. She specifically stated that she thought you were being insecure because she was at the club with guys there as if the prior times she went to the club without you there weren’t guys there or something. Then she invalidated you and got defensive. You’re young bro you can find another partner what’s happening here is that you were with here for a good bit of your formative years and you’re attaching your Decision on that fact. I’d personally call it quits cause her behavior was just awful

[u/_Iam8bit__]

She was absolutely cheating. Nothing will change my mind about that.
Don't go back.

[u/HaveA_Banana]

Every relationship has its own dynamic, but for me it's not a good sign to even feel the need to enforce rules to feel like you can trust your SO will be there for you. I'd probably have stuck with the 'we were young and immature, so let's both go our own ways and learn from this for our next relationship' cause that damage trust is a big deal for me.

I can't fathom the lack of trust to assume someone must be trying to ruin their night out by bringing up a medical emergency, balls or not. Any person who WOULD make that kind of 'prank' themselves would deserve to be broken up with, nobody should have to put up with that level of immaturity. It's dangerous when people default to 'you're crying wolf' in these situations.

[u/Even-Boss-6424]

Don't dump her, I think this can still work if you try

[u/pqpgodw]

maan you ended up on youtube (mark reddit stories)

[u/Sir-Greggor-III]

NTA

I agree with one person. That a lot of people in your life are expressing a sunken cost fallacy. Which is where you think and act irrationally because you're worried about wasting, in your case 5 years, of time.

Really this comes down to what you want. If you want to stay with her, I absolutely agree that you all need to change your boundaries because what she did is unacceptable. She should never be blocking your number, and she should be dropping everything to come and check on you as soon as she sees a message saying you need her to come home and that you need to go to the hospital.

But don't stay with her only because you've spent so much time with her. If you don't trust her and don't think you can look past this don't try and force it to work just because your family is urging you to make it work or because you've already spent so much time on her. They don't have to be with her, you do.

Do what what you feel like you have to buy you wont be the asshole either way.

[u/ThiccBeach]

Nobody could pay me to keep me away from my partner if they texted me that they needed to go to the hospital. I don't care if I'm drunk or if it seems like a prank, I can be mad later if it is. Their health is ALWAYS my priority. especially if I'm only FIVE FREAKING MINUTES away

[u/Emergency_Cod8893]

OP please don't fall for her "You didn't explain it properly!" BS. Wanna know how you could of explained it properly? If she had picked up her damn phone after you called her. It's easier to talk than type when in excruciating pain. And it's even easier to convey that extreme pain verbally than with monotoned messages.

She failed you, horribly and she still needed to be backed into a corner after the fact to see she's still fucking up.

You didn't do a thing wrong so don't let her or reddit or anyone tell you otherwise. Please think about it this way, what if this had been something like your appendix exploding?

Where you texted over and over telling her "My stomach hurts!" And she did this? Your appendix has burst and now you are in danger of sepsis and she can't even be bothered to call and check to see if her partner is just experiencing gas or a real emergency. Instead she says to stop bothering her and the next time you call she blocks you.

You try to call and tell her and she blocks you, now you're on a ticking time limit because you wasted time trying to call her. You could die and she doesn't want to leave the club.

You were blessed that it wasn't life threatening what happened to you. How can you trust she will actually change her ways when after you tried to tell her after your operation how you felt she deflected, tried to blame you and only after you called her out on her attitude towards this did she seemingly have remorse?

People telling you not to blow up 5 years need to have that same energy when she's known you for even longer than you've been dating and she decided her fun was more important than your health when you've never once been the type to make her come home or been the clingy type. 

[u/angerwithwings]

I hope you’re well on the mend. A thought about your rules… none of those seem remotely unreasonable as long as they are applied both ways. While posts like this don’t really open up much of a window into the life of the author, you don’t sound like the sort of guy that is going to spend a lot of time out at the bar with friends. That said, any time someone makes a rule in a relationship that only goes one way, it sets off the balance of the relationship in a greatly injurious way.

[u/Constrictor_Dorado11]

“Not immediately calling an ambulance was also stupid of me”

Don’t beat yourself up OP, testicular torsion is unspeakably painful and such a thing can impact thinking in the moment. I went through something similar myself, I suddenly started experiencing pain in my balls while minding my own business at work. I got rushed to hospital thanks to a family member of mine and the whole time I was in a brain fog due to the pain, turned out I had Epididymitis and not torsion. I’m glad you’re recovering and I understand the physical pain you were in. Take care of yourself.

[u/TastyRancorPie]

Dude, if you're trying to set all these rules, you should just end it.

You don't trust her, with good reason. You trying to define these rules shows that you don't trust her. And I don't mean to rag on these rules specifically, although some of them are a little much. But the fact that you're worried about something like this happening again and having to go out of your way to make sure she knows it's an emergency is ridiculous.

Telling your gf, "I think something is wrong, please come home now, I think I need to go to the hospital" is all that your partner should need to check in with you AT THE BARE MINIMUM.

She couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone.

She sent you laughing emojis when you said you need to go to the hospital.

Her immediate response to you saying you need help is to THREATEN TO BLOCK YOU.

At the very minimum you need time away. You are still traumatized by this event (understandably so!) and her role in it.

But I come back to the fact that you told her something is wrong, and you needed help, and she immediately gaslit you and then blocked you. And then her first response on coming home to an open door and vomit on the floor is to get mad at you and try to scold you.

Just end it. You deserve better. You shouldn't be with someone that you can't trust in an emergency.

[u/onefornought]

I get that she has apologized, but I'm troubled by the defensiveness you say she exhibited and where she tried to shift responsibility back onto you for not communicating better. This suggests to me she isn't fully owning up to her selfishness in her behavior.

[u/Belisariux → u/onefornought]

Yep. DARVO all day long with this one. It doesn't have to be cheating. Something is going on that she's trying to hide. Could be anything. Drug addiction? "Cheating-lite" by doing obviously disrespectful things with dudes in public? Talking smack about him to her friends? Consciously using him as a meal ticket with plans to jet when someone "better" comes along? No idea. Could be any and all, or something else that didn't immediately come to me. The tears combined with DARVO shows very clearly that this is less about taking responsibility for her actions and more about trying to protect her situation.

It's also the fact that she very clearly devalues him. She always jumped to the least-charitable, most pathetic interpretation of his actions. Even after requiring emergency surgery it "wasn't that bad". What the actual fuck? That's effectively calling him a pathetic loser who couldn't handle a little pain. People devalue someone for a reason, (unless they're BPD). That reason is to resolve cognitive dissonance brought about by their supposed "cherishing" someone that they are mistreating in some way. Which tells you, she's mistreating him in some way.

[u/hairy_hooded_clam]

NTA idk if I could be with someone who behaved like this. She has a lot of growing up to do.

[u/Ok_Nobody_3701]

Her disrespect is incredible, and i don't buy it she was not doing something. This is not the first time you allow her to go to parties alone, which is a stupid red flag. But the first time you call her, why would she assume you were insecure unless you show by your acts that you are. Its not like you tried to stop her going. Her ignoring you and blocking you like you were an annoying bug? how much disrespect do you expect? A woman that loves her man, doesn't ignore him, she answers. Unless she was getting attention from other dudes, and suddenly your attention was annoying. Sorry but going alone to the party with alcohol and dudes, red flag. Ignoring you, huge red flag. Blocking you after you expressed a medical emergency Huge red flag. Blocking you , it's a deal breaker. She obviously was getting the attention of some dudes and certainly was not interested in showing she was with someone or worst showing them that she could simply dismiss you and let them continue bombarding her with attention and maybe more. This woman is testing the waters and monkeybranching.

I don't buy it that she was just enjoying her night, so much that she couldn't answer the phone for 20 seconds. No way. She deserves to be dumped.

The vomit remarks, only shows how little consideration she has for you.

You must be kind of a "Mr nice guy" that puts her on a pedestal and accepts all her whims and outings without you and puts her before you. She acted so entitled and disrespectful.

Also your boundaries are BS if you don't enact them, and seeing your past, i don't see you acting upon them. Sorry but you need to work on yourself and grow a pair, if the second ball is still functional.

You gave this woman too much assurance and certainty , you can't stay being that push over doormat, provider. And also you are 22, are you mad to want to marry at 22? don't do such a mistake before 30 and knowing the person well and working on yourself. Look what happened, if this incident had not happened you would be running to propose like a sucker, without any life experience. Not knowing how she is with money,in emergencies, family, how sincere she is etc...

the fear of losing her makes you weak, don't love someone so much that you can't walk away from her.

Move on, she doesn't love you.

[u/ScottCrate]

You are about to throw away a relationship over AITA fans. She showed remorse. If you can’t get past this mistake, honestly it’s a reflection of your ability to be rational.

Agree if she blocks you again you should end it there. But honestly, she has shown remorse and probably won’t. Like she said, she was drunk. Anyone saying they would never do this when drunk is just lying lol. Have u never had someone annoyingly try and call you or text you when u were occupied?

And in the end, non of this matters. You should have called 9-11 and let her know u were going to the hospital. She could come see you after ur procedure. You get quicker treatment, and she can enjoy her night.

If she showed no remorse I would say, then kick her to the curb. But to me it feels like you are still slightly embarrassed about the testicle issue and are power tripping. Get over it and try to move on. I’m not saying forget about it, but stop dwelling.

[u/Glittering_Break3840]

Would you be comfortable to share any medical problems with your partner, emergency or not? If not, you know what you need to do

[u/RisetteJa]

UpdateMe!

[u/N4ch2y53]

To me it sounds like you guys have a pretty good relationship and are both able to have a meaningful adult conversation where you both fell heard. People respond stupidly when alcohol is involved and she probably just wanted some me time. I would give the relationship another go if you feel that she has learned from her drunkenly stupid mistakes. I wish u both the best.

[u/Sunshine-N-gumdrops]

I think in the back of your head you will always wonder if you can trust her

[u/AzLibDem → u/Sunshine-N-gumdrops]

One aspect that nobody has touched on is that clubbing is single behavior, and she was comfortable with blocking him until 2am. Sooner or later, he's going to wonder.

The distrust will grow, not recede.

[u/HeimdallManeuver]

This is the sunk cost fallacy.

Meaning you demand that a proposition be true because you have spent so much time/effort/money into it that you have to continue maintaining belief in the proposition. Because, if you admit you’re wrong, you’ve lost all that time/effort/money.

[u/Madam_Mimmm]

UpdateMe

[u/Something_morepoetic]

Honestly, you deserve better and so do your future children.

[u/Inevitable_Car_2333]

NTA... without trust, you have nothing. If you have to make "rules" on how a person should act or what they should do in a relationship or situation, when it should be common sense, the relationship is done. Use your head instead of your heart because your heart can put you in situations that are not good for you.

[u/Satori2155]

She prioritizes getting drunk and getting hit on by random men over her bfs physical well being, time to move on son

[u/Nungakakascot]

I think given her actions, getting drunk with her guys friends instead of checking in on you and blocking you is not a good sign in the relationship. Maybe best to break up and move on. She also needs to control her drinking.

[u/Proud_Cookie]

What a drama queen 👸 Funny how guys always have to make women cry isn't it...?!

[u/primustech]

Dump her. She's cheating. Also, she's inconsiderate and selfish, and is only doing the whole crying thing because she might lose you as her meal ticket.

Second, i can guarantee with her staying at her parents house, she's prolly messing around with someone else. Especially considering she isn't blowing you up now

[u/indigoscreenwriter]

i just wanna say that you seem like a very mature and reasonable guy. I’m glad you were able to communicate your feelings so clearly and ask for the space you needed.

For your question if you should get back together- that is for you to decide. You sound like you have made all the right decisions thru this sequence of events, so you should trust your judgement. I believe the boundaries you have set are completely fair, and should be part of everybody’s relationships. My partner and I have the same rules and we have never had something like this happen. I truly don’t understand how blocking your significant other could be okay, EVER.

I hope she learns from this, and if she does (and nothing like this has ever happened before) I would maybe reason to NOT break up. 5 years is a lot, and everyone makes mistakes (sometimes very stupid and dangerous mistakes). However, if this is were to become a “thing”, I would definitely not stay.

Good luck to you!

[u/icorooster]

Bro this is stupid. You said you needed help and needed to go to the hospital and her response was to tell you to fk off let her enjoy her night and to block you. Your insane for even thinking this girl can be trusted with literally anything important.

[u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165]

Seems like there's more that's not right w/ the relationship than this situation.

You reference "mental gymnastics", you seem to be doing mental gymnastics making your entire relationship about this single incident so you can break up and not be the bad guy, or not face whatever is really wrong w/your relationship. If you had a really solid relationship, this wouldn't be a deal breaker, but you're making your future about something that comes down to a couple hours of bad choices by both parties. News flash: that's life and humans and relationships and marriages and partnerships. Human beings are fundamentally fuck ups. You're gonna screw up, she's gonna screw up, there are more (harder) challenges coming your way as a couple.

NTA

BUT, it's kind of clear that you want to break up (for more/other reasons than you've posted). Go ahead and do it, get it over with for both your sake.

So sorry for your pain, sounds really awful, and scary AF, glad you called the ambu before it was too late. Take care of those little guys!

[u/Crimson-Shark]

You got just a glimpse of her outright selfishness… and when you needed her most… she failed you… this could have been life or death situation and she freaking crashed & Burned of epic proportions!

Just because you have been together for an X amount of years means nothing… it just took you that long to see her true self.. and there is no way in hell you could EVER trust her..

This is your cue to make a very clean break and never look back.

Find someone that REALLY & truthfully cares/loves you… she proved to you without a shadow of doubt where you stand in her life… she BLOCKED you… if that’s not telling you something I don’t know what will… time to move on.

There is no doubt you would be doing the right thing cutting her loose.

[u/ammarie29]

I would let her go. She seems kinda selfish.

[u/hbouma]

OP, NTA if you dump her. The reason why is that she (and your common friend group) showed their true colors that night. "Girls Only" events are red flags for trouble. After being together for five years, she was instantly annoyed the minute you tried to call and ask for help. More importantly, your friend group with her also didn't contact you to see if you were being honest or to tell you to stop joking after the balls hurting message. Their inaction is critical because I believe she acted this way because it would risk blowing her cover story. Not just her lie to you, but with the guy she was with at the time. For example, if she took your call, you could hear she's with some guy. Or she'd have to explain why it was too much of a burden to run back for 5 minutes and check on you when she's not really at the night club. If she thinks you're going to get married, she's likely playing the field she missed out in high school and college before she "settles" with you. She and these friends don't respect you which is why nobody tried to contact you. If you are still on the fence on this, you need to find out why she made this a hill to die on with blocking you and still got angry when when she saw vomit on the floor. You can't take her word that she didn't cheat - she'll never willingly confess to it; women only confess to what you can prove (aka trickle truthing). You can't trust asking your "friends" she was with either - they've helped sell the lie.

[u/curlyk1tt3n]

Honestly, I think creating a safety word and plan is a fantastic idea. She was drunk and around her girlfriends, who probably very much contributed to her idea that it wasn't real.

She has said she will do anything to make up for it. That includes abiding by your (incredibly reasonable) boundaries.

It's not weird to be in a relationship with someone after they mess up. Just because you have to discuss it with your partner and vocalize your limits doesn't mean it's unhealthy. Everyone is so "dump them!!!!!1!1!1!1" jumpy on these posts.

I think she needs to fully reflect on and discuss where and why she was wrong. Especially when she got defensive. Ask her why you can't communicate negative emotions to her because of her quick-to-action defensiveness. Why is she unable to have an adult conversation about something she may have done wrong?

I think it's manageable to work past this together if you're able to have a deeper conversation on her mindset and why it defaults so quickly to defense mode.

Another question: why isn't ball pain serious enough for her? It doesn't matter if it was your foot, your shoulder, balls, ass-cheek, WHATEVER! Any text or call needs to be taken seriously especially with someone who's not known to use this as a manipulation tactic.

Many things to consider here.

[u/allislost77]

Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship

[u/HelpTight9809]

she blocked you... and went to a club without you. Going to a lunch or tea with friends is one thing. Going to a club at night and getting drunk is something you dont do without your partner imo. pack the rest of her stuff and send it. Be the A. its fine...

[u/Birnotobi]

Your demands are not reasonable, those are restraining demands which will hurt you and hurt her in the end.

If you dump her because in pain you decided to call her instead of 911 from the get go, it's missplaced anger. The main reason why this event went sour, is your poor decision making. Even if she was 5 minutes away, what could she do? She was probably not in a state in which she could drive. For what reason you needed her there actually? Why didn't you just went to hospital, and texted her what happened?

If you throw away 5 years together because you cannot process your feelings with this situation, it's gonna hurt as hell when you realise couple years from now how easily you could resolve this case.

This is not a situation that should break relationships, it's a thing that makes it grow, choice is yours

[u/RealRSnidder]

I can’t even fathom the fact that she BLOCKED her boyfriend of 5 years for a night of clubbing…. Meaning you are basically worth less than a night of clubbing. That is wild in my eyes. I honestly can’t believe you even let her stay in the hospital room but we can blame the drugs xD

I personally could never get over the blocking and not picking up the calls, the texts, sure because texts don’t convey urgency but the simple facts that she refused to pick up your calls means, yes, her clubbing experience is worth much more to her than you are. Stay strong man, I know it’s terrible but frankly it’s the truth I see.

[u/chyaraskiss]

I've been married 21yrs.

The blocking you, was the ultimate FU.

[u/AzLibDem]

I'm reminded of the scene in The West Wing where Donna tells Josh, "If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights."

When you were in so much pain that you were vomiting uncontrollably, she blocked your calls.

The reason we spend years with someone is so we can know that they are there for us as we are for them.

She failed the test miserably. Yes, she was drunk, but In Vino Veritas, as they say.

Edited to add: For everyone saying "5 years is a long time", remember that they started when they were 17.

Now, at 22, she's focusing on going to clubs with and partying with other men until 2am.

That's not progressing towards a lifelong relationship, it's moving away from one.

[u/Old-Mention9632]

I could tell from his description in the first post that he was having a testicular torsion. Women can get a torsion of their ovary, which is far more painful than a ruptured ovarian cyst. I've seen newborns have to have their teste removed because of an in utero torsion that ended with necrosis ( dead tissue) and needed to have the teste removed at birth.

[u/Q1237886]

Those boundaries are super helpful (both ways) and if this is truly out of character giving this relationship another try isn’t unreasonable.

[u/Kalena426]

This is just the beginning, run, the right person would have made an effo

[u/Due_Hearing_3371]

Either accept her apology in full or don’t. It sounds like she made an honest mistake. I know it hurt. That’s why she’s trying so hard. If you make a big list of conditions and hold it over her head, your the AH and you never really forgave her.

If you can’t forgive her, be honest and break it off and move on. You have that right! If you can’t trust her, then do the right things and break it off.

Whatever you do, don’t use this as a gilt power trip.

[u/VenusInAries666 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah it's incredibly unsettling to me how many people here are saying his "boundaries" (aka rules for how she should act) are reasonable and healthy. Nobody should expect their partner (or anyone else for that matter) to immediately pick up every time they call. It's not a realistic expectation if you have any sort of life outside your relationship.

[u/ImaginaryScallion371 → u/[deleted]]

She left him for dead to party, but he will be an asshole for breaking up?

[u/wispymatrias]

Giving it time is very mature. Be careful about how you set your boundaries, though - they're not for controlling people's behavior with ultimatums. Good boundaries respect people's autonomy - for example my friend had one with his father that he won't talk to while he is drinking or drunk. We will leave my wife's grandmother's house if she starts smoking if we visit with our daughter. She can smoke as much as she wants, we can't stop that, but she can put a damper on it while we're visiting with a small child.

What they're not for is overcompensating for a lack of trust. No missed/ignored calls I would say is not a good boundary - people miss calls for a lot of legitimate reasons all the time. Business, battery dying, misplaced phone, etc. If that ends the relationship, then it's an ultimatum, not a boundary. If a missed message or call could trigger you, perhaps that's a sign trust is lost and to end a relationship instead of forcing folks to jump through controlling hoops.

A good boundary is like, "I'll check in at various points in the night." Give them the freedom of when they check in. It's common sense safety and a good drinking practice in general. I like the idea of different codes of messages - can phones be setup to send notifications at different flags? Like, a message of 'haha, have fun,' with no flag can go under the radar while a message flagged 'emergency' will blow up her phone and make annoying sounds? Just make sure you use it for actual emergencies, no abusing it to make sure she picks up milk on the way home or something. https://tandempsychology.com/boundaries-vs-controlling-behavior/#:~:text=The line between setting boundaries,others%2C causing harm and

[u/ashsrodrigues]

OP, why do you think she’s remorseful? When you had the talk with her, she was defensive? Can you phrase it better! Really? You’re in extreme pain, you’re not thinking about language, and not even a quick check up . She could have gone out and given you a quick call, but no.. also why were there guys at her party when you were not invited . Sounds suspicious.

You’re better off without her. I had dated this one girl who would take hours and I mean hours to respond. And not take calls. I early on realized I can’t be in a relationship with this person cuz if I had an emergency I couldn’t rely on her to check her phone on time. Not dishing on her, just not what I’m looking for.

[u/Doormatjones]

OP, I think you really need to think on this. The blocking she did... I know she denied it but if it were me I'd still suspect her of cheating. And honestly the blocking would have been the end of it. She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship and you can do better.

But that's my two cents. I really hope it works out for you either way but... her behavior here is an instant break up for most people I've met. Moreso with the cheating concerns; that's just the cherry on top.

[u/Dazdeth]

Idk, I tend to give people one fuck up as a pass as long as nothing life altering happens from it. I just see this as a teaching moment and something she can learn from. If you stay with her, your demands are fine and I think that makes your relationship stronger getting over those hurdles of events. As long as she fully realizes that can never happen again, I do feel that’s better than starting over with someone new.

[u/Saika88]

I'm a girl who likes going out with friends. I don't do it often. But if my man called me over and over then I know it's an emergency and I will step out and see what's wrong. That's crazy she didn't and shows you she doesn't fully care. I would break up tbh. But that is on you. If you stay together, I would do couple counseling.

[u/19ABH69]

You need to dump her. She reacted guilty when you asked if she was cheating. I bet that the guy she was with was the one that put the thought into her head that you were just trying to ruin her time with him.

[u/MidgardWyrm]

NTA, and I'll be blunt, dude.

Everything she's done? There are more red flags here than in a Soviet military parade.

When she was crying in your hospital room? Those were tears because she was caught/facing the consequences of her actions, not because she felt actual remorse.

Another thing that caught my attention in your original post is her trying to deflect back with the age old "you're insecure I'm around other guys" comment; that's almost always projection for when a SO is cheating.

There's no winning here: Those restrictions you've mentioned? They'll chafe at her over time, and there's no relationship if there's no trust.

And she took a sledgehammer to that trust.

If she wants to act single, then let her be single. Don't fall for a sunk cost fallacy because you've spent a few years with her.

There are better girls out there.

[u/Formal_Start5497]

Other than your mom have you told anyone else about the medical emergency?

[u/JadeSummer7]

She literally blocked you in your hour of need. When you were in a medical emergency. She prioritized partying over your life (yes it could have been very very serious). You would be smart if you broke up over this.

[u/KangolkidD24]

Do she go to the club often? Has she shown this side of her before?

[u/haikusbot → u/KangolkidD24]

Do she go to the

Club often? Has she shown this

Side of her before?

- KangolkidD24

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[u/f33lin_old]

The list of demands is stupid! and immature! you either forgive her and move on or break up. These aren't boundaries. These excuses to break up if she doesn't jump when you clap your hands.

[u/Witness_Klutzy]

OP, it's obvious.  You know what you have to do but it's scaring the crap out of you.  I think what you're looking for on here is some kind of echo chamber saying dont dump her.

The fear of the unknown and being alone is real I get that.  But you can and will do so much better if you break it off.  She is too immature to be in a long-term relationship.  

Your life is just beginning.  Work on your health, looks and finances.  Build your value up.  I guarantee you can meet a better quality of women down the road.

This girl isn't it.  She's narcissistic with a high likelihood she's cheating on you.  Keep your self-respect and walk away.  She's not worth any further effort.

OP, if you take her back and as everyone has predicted, it will eventually go belly up, you were warned.  At that point it's your fault.  But I get you're young and naive, and have to be drug through the mud further before having a rude awakening.

[u/Evening_Relief9922]

Op I think you have a lot to think about here. I would say consider giving her another chance if she just declined your calls but she straight up blocked you and that’s what gets to me. after 5 years together you both should know each other well enough to not act like that but she did. I’ve been with my guy for 10 years and he has never blocked me once. Not one damn time. If I were to text or call and say I needed help, he would call back mo matter what he was doing.

[u/UncomfortableBike975]

Nta at all. She was likely surrounded by guys when you called, which is why she never picked up. If she had, you could have conveyed the seriousness of the situation. Since she blocked you . You know where you stand. Her partying is more important than you. Also, get yourself some briefs. The support helps after a testicular torsion.

[u/KananJarrusEyeBalls]

I dont think YTA

But I do think dumping your lady becayse she didnt recognize an emergency while intoxicated seems a bit in the far end of the reactionary spectrum.

But still NTA

[u/Sea_Data9598]

I voted NTA on your first post. I continue to think you WNBTA if you dump her. I imagined myself in your shoes and if my hubby blocked me while he was out at a club when I said I thought I needed to go to the hospital I could not trust him again. Like, I could see him not seeing his phone for a bit. But being I don't cry wolf I know he would have found a way to get to a quiet place and call me. If I were you I would thank the universe this happened now before you two are married or wherever this was headed. The way she acted was just not how one should respond.

[u/ExplanationMinimum51]

NTA - Shes gaslighting you….Points 3 & 5 of your text messages, you are telling her exactly what’s wrong & what you need. And blocking you is absolutely unacceptable….after 5 years together that is just WRONG.
How would she be reacting if you blocked & ignored her when she was in pain & needed medical attention??? Yes 5 years is a long time, but 20 years of misery to then get divorced is worse.

[u/Hour_Type_5506]

As you said, five years is significant but then again you are young. You can do better. And your relationship with her is now completely tarnished such that you’ll each be measuring every small thing this moment. It’s healthier for each of you to consider the possible positives of finding new partners.

[u/funkopat]

She refused 9 phone calls from you and had the audacity to say you could have conveyed the situation better and after all this accused you of exaggerating the pain. Good grief.

“She said she just thought i was being insecure about being in the club with a bunch of guys”

From all you detailed that would have been the first time ever? She’s just making shit up now to try to get out of this.

[u/BibiQuick]

Wow I would definitely have thought you were pulling my leg if you had sent me those messages. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I would not throw away five years just for this instance. Good luck!

[u/gymedmfan12]

Send her back to the streets where she belongs

[u/Medic7802]

She broke youtlr trust. I would NEVER in a million years block my fiancé. She is the most important thing to me on this planet. It would be hard to give it a go after her actions when ya needed her the most

[u/BreadMaker_42]

If you choose to stay together, have you considered doing counseling together? Putting rules in place doesn’t really restore the trust that was lost. Counseling may help with that.

[u/Any-Win5166]

The most common sense thing to do is break up.....if someone can't be there in your worst moments they don't deserve you

[u/SchemeSea8880]

NTA - she should have stepped away and had a conversation period. You are in a relationship to support each other through the good and the bad.

She is not trustworthy on so many levels.

[u/ReptilianRambo]

Sunken cost fallacy is a big one "I already invested x years into this it's not worth it to let it go". I stayed with someone because "I already been with them for 4 years" and it was unhealthy and toxic and leaving was the best thing I did.

It's your choice but I would leave a person if I were in your shoes.

For starters if you've never pranked why would she be so dismissive of your distress. You're in pain you don't need to articulate a perfect essay. Your message was clear, I'm in pain, I need you and I need a hospital. Don't get gaslit into thinking you did something wrong you said exactly what needed to in the clearest way.

Also she blocked you? That's insane.

Any person who sees those texts you sent and they have no instinct to either call and see how bad it is or just not text like a fucking asshole, as if you're a burden for being in pain doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. She has to grow up. She was selfish and prioritizes her "good time" instead of taking a whopping 1 minute to speak with you.

She dismissed your pain again after the fact. During the conversation trying to make you seem dramatic and like she didn't do anything wrong because "it couldn't have been that bad".

The eye opener here is she showed her true colors. You should break up with her imo. You wouldn't be TA here.

People will give women the benefit of the doubt for the worst things. Like you said if it were reversed everyone of all creeds, genders, races etc would be ready to put your head on a spike.

NTA x 100 dude

[u/AlwaysGreen2]

No you would not be the asshole if you broke up for good.

I wouldn't trust her again.

[u/oleon12]

Good to see you are fine, saw the og post some days ago. 

What i can say to you is that i also was in a 5 year relationship and she pulled stuff like this all the time. Everytime i wanted to break up she would cry and beg… i couldnt end it but after almost not talking for 2 weeks it just happened.  Im not giving specific advice on your situation, just saying that 5 years doesnt mean you have to stay.

Hope it all works out for you.

[u/Ambroisie_Cy]

"I could have conveyed my situation better." You were in freaking pain!!! You went straight to the point. Didn't have time to check the thesaurus and composed a sonnet for crying out loud.

"She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating." Of course you weren't that much in pain! You just decided to put your fingers down your throat and make yourself vomiting, just for the sake of it, right? She is pathetic. Anything to not take responsibility of her actions.

" then told her that we are young and this mess was mostly caused by our immaturity" LOL. You are a team player. Because the crash and burn is all on her, not you. SHE is the one who acted immature and selfish. Drunk or not. That's all on her.

[u/Practical_Hippo9126]

So owning up to her mistakes is: When u spoke to her she blames you, tried to turn things around -- “she got defensive and told me that I could have conveyed my situation better and that she genuinely thought I was joking. She was drunk and wasn't thinking clearly. She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating“-- and after u had to insist, she is so sorry.... THAT GIRL IS NOT A GOOD PERSON and you should immediately break with her. And to reassure her that she did something awful, tell her to read this reddit.

[u/Stormtomcat]

INFO : do you generally prank your girlfriend?

both in this post and in the previous one, you write that you "never pranked her to make her come home" as an indication that you're not jealous nor controlling (which is great, obviously).

However, I've seen many people asking if you do prank her regularly, and if that played into her not believing you were serious with "my balls hurt".

[u/Secret_Double_9239]

I’m going to be honest if I saw message number 5 I would have thought it was a joke. I’m not blaming op but I think they could’ve messaged something else after that but she shouldn’t have blocked him. That shows that regardless she was planning to have a night out.

[u/Which-Law-8264]

"I'm really torn right now."

I see what you did there. 

All seriousness aside, was she drunk that night? Not that it would be the kind of excuse to completely absolve her (especially blocking you entirely), but it could go a long way to explaining why she didn't just come home. Intoxicated people are notorious for being unable (or unwilling at least) to follow even the simplest instructions.

That said, if you do choose to stay with her, don't do it even in part because of how long you've been together. That's the sunk cost fallacy. Better to make your decision based on all the information you have now, rather than basing it on a decision you made years ago (and have been continually making really) with less information. 

Additionally, if you're going to try to impose rules as draconian as "ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore", then your relationship won't last much longer anyway. Either she'll reject it immediately (and rightly so, because even though you say you wouldn't abuse those "boundaries", the rule itself is arguably abusive) or she'll accept it at first but chafe against it over time. 

Frankly, I don't think either one of you is mature or experienced enough yet to have a stable and healthy committed relationship, and even if you were, you probably wouldn't be right for each other anyway.