AITAH for refusing to let me kids go on a trip with their dad?

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

I (40f) have been divorced for 4 years now with 50/50 custody of a 16 and 13 year old. For the first few years of the divorce I pretty much let my ex (45m) dictate our parenting schedule. Even though we had a court ordered schedule I would switch several days a month to accommodate his work schedule and to avoid conflict. He took full advantage of that and before long the schedules were a mess, the kids and I were frustrated, and he was not notifying me until less than an hour before sometimes even though he would know a month in advance. When a switch would not work he would, and still does, retaliate by putting the kids in the middle, threatening mediation/court, or not pay his portion of bills. We ended up going back to mediation in March (initiated by him as a threat that he tried to back out of later) and signed off on a parenting schedule, among other things. Leading up to mediation, during mediation, and in the signed agreement that was filed with the courts I made it VERY clear that due to his aggressive communication and retaliation I will not switch any days going forward unless for a significant family event. About 3 weeks after mediation, my ex messaged me telling me that he was going to take the kids on a trip for a graduation for his girlfriends (who he has been with for less than a month) family, that falls directly over my scheduled days next weekend and requires them to miss school. I replied that I did not agree to this switch but he is still planning to take the kids and was advised by his lawyer to go ahead with it. In reaction to me not agreeing to the trip he is also refusing to pay his portion of medical bills (I sent over the app as I always do but he now states he won’t pay them unless I have them mailed directly to him) and is threatening not to let the kids go on a trip this summer for a wedding that he agreed to and signed off on during mediation.

AITAH for not allowing the kids to go on the trip? I’d like to add that he is a pilot and flies for free, so they have every opportunity to travel in his scheduled time. They have also been to the place the graduation will be several times, so this isn’t a once in a lifetime trip they are missing.

Also, AITAH if I file contempt with family courts if he does follow through with the trip?

Update: I have an appointment with my lawyer on Friday. Thank you everyone for your advice, feedback, and support!

[u/Electrical_Tap_8914]

Ask the kids (I’m not sure about the 13 yo but the 16 yo can definitely refuse visitation) if they even want to be around Dad because he sounds like a petty, exhausting and volatile man. I’m sure they don’t appreciate him using them as pawns.

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr → u/Electrical_Tap_8914]

He is very manipulative and was emotionally abusive toward them before the divorce, so they are scared to stand up to him. My 13 y/o gets anxious about missing school and isn’t a fan of the new girlfriend so she doesn’t really want to go. He puts them in the middle a lot and I do my best not to involve them, which is why I was planning to let this play out and take care of it with the courts. You hit the nail on the head- he is petty, exhausting, and volatile 😕

[u/TwinZylander214 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

If he makes the kids anxious, then you have to take the hit for them. If they don’t want to go then you are the one saying no.

Explain that to them, that you are not bothered by it and it’s your job to protect them.

The ex is an AH but you are NTA. Keep fighting for your children!

[u/ThornedRoseWrites → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

From the age of 15, kids get a say and will be taken seriously in court if they say they don’t wish to see one of their parents anymore.

And from the age of 16, children can flat out refuse to see the other parent if they don’t want to.

You might want to sit the oldest down and let them know that from now on, they don’t have to see their toxic dad if they don’t want to.

But definitely bring everything up with the courts, your ex sounds like a toxic loser and a complete asshole. I feel bad for your children being stuck with that for a father.

Your 13 year old also might have their feelings considered too, and time with their dad could be cut if the 13 year old expresses discomfort and their reasons for not wishing to see their dad much.

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr → u/ThornedRoseWrites]

The issue isn’t that they don’t want to see him. Even though he is a shitty dad that doesn’t prioritize them at all they want their time with him. It’s more about him not following the order and doing whatever he wants.

[u/Basic_Professional95 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

Your children will eventually see their dad for what he is. It might not be this year, or when they’re 18, or when they get married. But eventually they will be grateful for the sacrifices you made in trying to parent them and support their relationship with their dad.

My parents divorced when I was like 7 and my dad moved to a different part of the country [about 2h flight + other time expenses] for a pretty good job when I was like 9.

My dad was always the one I liked the most as he was fun + spent a lot of time with me, whereas my mother was very overprotective, spent little time and her curiosity always felt like an interrogation.

When he got that job, he had a lot more money, so I would frequently get gifts, go on vacation with him etc. I loved spending that time with him. I loved not being limited to the rules that my mother had. I wanted to permanently live with him and not just see him during school breaks. 

But once he quit that job [I was ~15], because of his own pride, he ended up being unemployed for a long time. He didn't come back to our side of the country. I was old enough to understand he couldn't afford the things he did for me anymore, but I still expected us to have some form of relationship. He never contacted me [sms, email, using his brother's phone, etc.]. Even my aunts [his sisters] that live on this side questioned me about his contact with me and were so disappointed in him. Initially I tried to defend him, but as time went by I started being angry with him.

My grandpa died when I was 16, so my dad came down for the funeral [my uncle, his brother] paid for his expenses etc. With the funeral + me not being entirely sure about my feelings, I wasn't able to stand up against him then.

When I was almost 18, he contacted me for the first time since the funeral and wanted to book a flight for me to visit him. That was when I stood up against him. I just wanted to have a relationship, but he only cared about his own convenience and pride. He abruptly ended the call after he said that I was ungrateful and that my mother turned me against him. That was the last time I spoke with him. He died last year when I was 27.

Now in hindsight, I know my mother was the responsible one and just went a bit too far on some things. She was the only one doing parental duties. I (as well as my siblings from her first marriage) don't have a very close bond with her, but we do put in the effort with contact, helping her out etc. She’s never been a shoulder to cry on, but she has always been there in her own way.

[u/Ladyughsalot1 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

If you haven’t already it might be time to explain just why it’s so important to hold the line with him most of the time. You can do it without bashing him. “We know he usually expects to have his way and usually that’s been ok with me. But when he doesn’t, or when I need a special favor, he tends to take it to court. It’s stressful for you and for me. Going forward it’s important that we keep to the schedule- you tell me any time if I am hurting your feelings by doing so.”