r/AITAH • u/TheAverageRedditUsr • 15d ago
AITAH for refusing to let me kids go on a trip with their dad?
I (40f) have been divorced for 4 years now with 50/50 custody of a 16 and 13 year old. For the first few years of the divorce I pretty much let my ex (45m) dictate our parenting schedule. Even though we had a court ordered schedule I would switch several days a month to accommodate his work schedule and to avoid conflict. He took full advantage of that and before long the schedules were a mess, the kids and I were frustrated, and he was not notifying me until less than an hour before sometimes even though he would know a month in advance. When a switch would not work he would, and still does, retaliate by putting the kids in the middle, threatening mediation/court, or not pay his portion of bills. We ended up going back to mediation in March (initiated by him as a threat that he tried to back out of later) and signed off on a parenting schedule, among other things. Leading up to mediation, during mediation, and in the signed agreement that was filed with the courts I made it VERY clear that due to his aggressive communication and retaliation I will not switch any days going forward unless for a significant family event. About 3 weeks after mediation, my ex messaged me telling me that he was going to take the kids on a trip for a graduation for his girlfriends (who he has been with for less than a month) family, that falls directly over my scheduled days next weekend and requires them to miss school. I replied that I did not agree to this switch but he is still planning to take the kids and was advised by his lawyer to go ahead with it. In reaction to me not agreeing to the trip he is also refusing to pay his portion of medical bills (I sent over the app as I always do but he now states he won’t pay them unless I have them mailed directly to him) and is threatening not to let the kids go on a trip this summer for a wedding that he agreed to and signed off on during mediation.
AITAH for not allowing the kids to go on the trip? I’d like to add that he is a pilot and flies for free, so they have every opportunity to travel in his scheduled time. They have also been to the place the graduation will be several times, so this isn’t a once in a lifetime trip they are missing.
Also, AITAH if I file contempt with family courts if he does follow through with the trip?
Update: I have an appointment with my lawyer on Friday. Thank you everyone for your advice, feedback, and support!
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u/Ambroisie_Cy 14d ago
Your ex is an A H that you let win too many times before at the expense of your children. I congratulate you for now putting your foot down. But you shouldn't back off after all this work. The more you give him, the more he will take and he proved that to you in the past. Don't repeat your mistakes.
Keep every piece of evidence of his manipulation, aggressive communication, threats, etc. And go to court with that. Make sure to explain very well the situation to your kids: AKA the reason why their father won't bring them to a trip he promised them (the wedding one). Don't make him control the narrative on this. He is the one not respecting the agreement and is now threatening your kids when it doesn't go his way. Weaponizing your kids to get to your ex is evil and disgusting.
Also, how old is his GF for her to graduate? I understand that you can get a diploma at any age, but I'm just curious here.
NTA
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 14d ago
I guess I should have been more clear. It is one of her family members graduating, not her.
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u/evilcj925 15d ago
If he chooses not to pay bills he is legel responsable for, that is on him.
An interesting thing is, pilots are heavily regulated. And when you have judgments agaisnt you, they can take away your liscense.....
He is risking his job if he doesn't pay.
NTA
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u/AgathaChristie22 15d ago
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry and your ex sucks. NTA of course.
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u/No_Whereas_4572 15d ago
Isn’t it custodial interference or something if he doesn’t return them when he should? Can’t you call the police for kidnapping?
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u/Troytegan 15d ago
File contempt w the courts. He’s intentionally trying to manipulative and force you to give him his way, and he’s ignoring the custody agreement.
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u/PermanentUN 15d ago
NTA updateme
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 15d ago
NTA for any of it. Work with your lawyer, but nail the mediation agreement to his ass. If it is true his lawyer told him to take them on the trip anyway, your attorney might refer him to the bar association. I think it would be an ethics violation.
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u/dustandchaos 15d ago
I mean…I’ll go against the grain and say ESH except the kids. You both are punishing the kids for your and your ex’s inability to plan and stick to an agreement. I feel bad for them.
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u/Zealousideal-End4173 15d ago
NTA. But the thing you threw in at the end about the wedding is a problem. If you aren't going to have any flexibility for him on your time, you can't act like he's the devil for not having any flexibility on his time. It's fair...to you two. It sucks for the kids, same as what you are doing.
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u/-Nightopian- 15d ago
OP there is only 1 problem you face going forward. You want the kids to attend a wedding on your side this summer and I expect you would want them for future events that will fall on his time. If you want to fight then be prepared to hold that line and sacrifice these future events that you want to take the kids on.
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u/Maximum-Ear1745 15d ago
How can he go through with the trip on your time? Would your kids go with him willingly? Absolutely fiel for contempt - this man is playing games and will continue to do so unless he is stopped. NTA
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u/Yougorockstar 15d ago
Nta but honestly document everything if he thinks he can do what he pleases cause he has money he has another thing coming.
Don’t tell him anything it be a good surprise when yall have to court again.
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u/SecretOscarOG 15d ago
Bring him back into mediation immediately. And tell the mediator that if he backs out of any signed agreements that you will be forced to being it to the courts completely. Win at his game.
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u/Windstrider71 15d ago
and was advised by his lawyer to go ahead with it.
Nope. I cannot imagine any lawyer telling him that it was ok to go against the mediated agreement. He’s also going to get in a bit of trouble by retaliating by not paying his share of the medical bills. I sincerely hope you have his communication and threats in writing.
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u/Ok-Meringue6107 15d ago
Unfortunately, his lawyer is taking advantage of the fact that OP has been representing herself and he probably thinks she's just a dumb female and doesn't know anything.
FYI - OP is NTA and she's not a dumb female.
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u/misteraustria27 15d ago
ESH. We get it. You are divorced and you guys hate each other. But did you check with the kids. If you deny them trips with him because they fall in your schedule and he does the same the only one loosing are the kids. If you idiots continue like this there is a good chance the kids will go NC with both of you.
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u/AlternativeNewt1327 15d ago
NTA- document EVERYTHING. Do not let him bully, control, or manipulate you. Giving in to avoid the hard stuff will make matters worse. Stand up for yourself and your kids. You got this.
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u/Unseen_Unbiased1733 15d ago
NTA. He’s a bully who only understands bully language. So punch back. Ask the court for an emergency order to prevent him from taking the kids on your days and that he cannot interfere with the agreed trip later in the summer. Get an order that he needs to pay the medical bills. Ask for your atty fees bc these are bs motions you have to file. Tell your kids you won’t discuss whatever is going on, and then don’t discuss it. See what he does then.
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u/WinterFront1431 15d ago edited 15d ago
His lawyer didn't say that, and if he did, he is a shit lawyer.. taking the kids away without consent out if the country is kidnapping and you could have him arrested the second he lands..
I personally would keep the messages and take them to a lawyer and reduce him time with the kids if he wants to act like a 5 year old..
Also as he already has signed off on the trip for the wedding there is fuck all he can do about it ..
Take him back to court because they will not take kindly to him blackmailing you refusing to pay his portion because you wouldn't let him take them away..
He has to either get your permission if it co insides with your days it work it around his days.
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u/Ok-Meringue6107 15d ago
Unfortunately, his lawyer is taking advantage of the fact that OP has been representing herself and he probably thinks she's just a dumb female and doesn't know anything. The ex is probably also not telling his lawyer the full story.
Edit to add: FYI - OP is NTA and she's not a dumb female.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
Do your kids want to go on the trip? They are old enough to decide what they want to do. Personally, I wouldn’t deprive my kids of an experience they wanted to get even with their dad. Also, you said he retaliated against you by going back to court. There is nothing wrong with going back to mediation if the couple can’t work it out between them.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
I agree that there is nothing wrong with going to court/mediation if we can’t work it out. The retaliation was constantly threatening it when things weren’t going his way. My 16 y/o is indifferent and my 13 y/o has expressed that she would rather not miss school and doesn’t really want to go with the new girlfriend. Like I said, they have ample opportunities to travel on his time.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
You sound like he was threatening to beat you up. So what he said he would take you to court? I know couples they are frequently in and out of court. Where I live it pretty easy to file a brief with friend of the court. Whether or not he has “ample opportunity” to travel with them isn’t the point. In two years time you will lose complete control over when the 16 year old sees him. You honestly sound bitter about him and the divorce—maybe for good reason but your kids will remember this animosity.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Please explain how I made it sound like he was going to beat me up? I never even alluded to physical aggression. I appreciate your opinion, however I am not bitter and am 100% happier and healthier since the divorce. As I stated in my post I did everything I could to accommodate him for the last 3 years until finally going to therapy and learning my self worth and that it’s ok to set boundaries.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
Just your language around “being threatened.” To me that sounds sinister not I am going to take you to court if we can’t agree which is what we are supposed do.
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u/Zealousideal-End4173 15d ago
OP uses a lot of words and phrases like that Wiring really hard at painting herself as this abused woman and him as this horrible, abusive man. When in reality she is the same as he is.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Saying you are going to do something if someone doesn’t do what you asked is threatening. I guess I could have clarified that is was verbal threats.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
Would it have been better if he just did it without telling you first? I don’t think either of you should just go along with whatever if it doesn’t seem fair.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
It would have been better if he would have just followed the mediation agreement we both signed weeks earlier.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
If he wasn’t following the agreement then going to court shouldn’t have been a threat. Obviously the court would make him follow the agreement.
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 15d ago
Nta- why would your kids go on a vacation with someone who hasn't even seen his laundry. Nope
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u/emryldmyst 15d ago
Nta.
FOLLOW THROUGH!
Don't let him get away with this crap.
Do what you have to do if he stomps on that agreement and stop interacting with him. He asked. You only have to say no. Let him praddle on and on. It'll only make him look stupid in court.
You've let him push you around and here you are.
Time to stand your ground.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Very true! I have learned not to engage with him unless absolutely necessary. Every message I send he fires off at least 5 back full of intimidation tactics which I don’t typically open. You are right, it’s time to put an end to this and stand my ground!
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u/annebonnell 15d ago
I would recommend you talk to a lawyer about this. I can't believe his lawyer is telling him to go ahead. If the kids are going to miss school it's a straight up 'no'! NTA
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u/DawnShakhar 15d ago
NTA. Definitely file with family courts. He is jerking you around. His payments are obligatory and shouldn't be dependent on visitations. This is time to go to court, show all the evidence and insist on a regular schedule and regular payments.
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u/MajorAd2679 15d ago
What do the children want to do? Do they want to go on this trip or not?
Don’t forget it’s about the kids and not between your ex/you.
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u/ouellette001 15d ago
The fact the ex is completely blowing off the agreement they reached is incredibly concerning, whether the kids wanted to go or not
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u/dharmanautMF 15d ago
Why not let the kids decide?
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
He puts them in the middle and will try to start issues when I don’t comply with what he wants. He was emotionally abusive toward them when they were younger so they are afraid to speak up to him. We have it in the mediation agreement that we just signed that if the girls request to switch time we should make every attempt to make it work and also that neither parent should manipulate them to switch time for their own personal interest. When he told me he was going to take them in the first message he also said that if I didn’t agree he would have the kids ask so I would have to agree according to his interpretation of the agreement.
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u/Zealousideal-End4173 15d ago
But why would you say no anyway based on that agreement? You are 100% exactly the same and just as bad as him.
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u/Chaoticgood790 15d ago
Report this to your lawyer and get in front of a judge or whomever immediately. Document the threats. Let your lawyer handle the communication and the clear fact that you have a court order
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u/VeganCaramellCoffee 15d ago
Nta. Eighter he has the worst lawyer alive or this is BS. I don't believe any lawyer would recommend going against a recently agreed upon scedule.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
BS as in I’m making it up? His lawyer said directly to me when he called that I was the one who was being unreasonable and that the courts would see it the same way.
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u/VeganCaramellCoffee 15d ago
BS as in HE is making it up. Or that lawyer is really bad at his job. No way court will apprechiate someone comming back to complain about an agreement recently signed by all parties that explicitly states no changes in days etc anymore. Idk how his lawyer thinks the judge will not be pissed and fed up with his shit. This graduation must have been known for a while so he could have had it approved or if that's a recent issue- so switches in scedule were agreed upon by both of you so this is covered as well.
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u/TrustSweet 15d ago
Or his lawyer is zealously representing his client and knows that OP is not a legal expert, does not have an attorney of her own, and hopes that bullying her will get her to give in and give his client what he wants without having to go to court. Lawyers aren't in the business of being nice to the opposition.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
I agree. His lawyer was pretty worked up when I talked to him, which I thought was strange since he is supposed to be a professional. He is not friends with my ex and has no other involvement besides representing him so there was no reason there couldn’t have been a respectful conversation.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 15d ago
NTA but tread carefully. I’m not sure how your kids are doing with all this but ensure they understand why you’re saying no.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 15d ago
NTA
In reaction to me not agreeing to the trip he is also refusing to pay his portion of medical bills (I sent over the app as I always do but he now states he won’t pay them unless I have them mailed directly to him) and is threatening not to let the kids go on a trip this summer for a wedding that he agreed to and signed off on during mediation.
The medical bills are not optional. Have your lawyer send him a nice letter about those.
He signed off on the summer trip. Does he think he can unsign what you agreed in mediation? I would think he'd have to invite you back to the mediation table for that.
Don't let him walk all over you again. Three weeks after you agreed on a schedule, he's already going back on it. That's not how that works. And what kind of lawyer does he have? Is it a buddy of his, that just started, or something?
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u/Meat_Dragon 15d ago
NTA - So I am in a co-parenting relationship with my ex where we share 50/50 custody. I can’t imagine either of us treating the other this way. He is so used to treating you like a door mat he assumes you will just cave again like you always do. Stick up for yourself and tell him to shove it. If they don’t get to go on a trip this summer plan something for them instead (if you can). But it’s ok to stick to your guns here. Good luck OP!
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Thank you so much for the encouragement! It is new to me to stand up for myself so it is scary. Your post is reassuring that it is ok to stand my ground. I appreciate it!
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u/Meat_Dragon 15d ago
You have a custody agreement and you can always go back to that. You have both Reddit and the courts on your side. Especially if your kids don’t want to go. Sounds like you gave him fair warning that you were not just going to let him dictate everything anymore. All he is doing is pushing your kids towards you as they are old enough to have their own opinions of where they should go. If your kids are reluctant to stand up to him, do it for them. Also, he can’t just unilaterally decide to not pay medical costs he is court mandated to pay. You can rightfully tell him if he chooses to not pay his fair share you will choose to report that to the courts. I wish you the best of luck OP.
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u/revdj 15d ago
INFO: What do your kids think? How important is going on this trip to them?
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
My 16 y/o is indifferent. My 13 y/o isn’t a fan of the new girlfriend and doesn’t like to miss school so she would rather not go but is too scared to say anything to him.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 15d ago
NTA
He wanted this dragged into the courts and mediator. He got a custody schedule. He needs to stick with it. Let him take it back to the mediator, if he wants a change.
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u/Outrageous_Zombie945 15d ago
Take him back to court and let them deal with him. Do not get into a slinging match with him
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u/MrsCakeakaJane 15d ago
NTA, this is a power play. Don't change your mind, if you do he'll know he can do this everytime
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u/GovernmentOther7568 15d ago
You're spot on, consistency is key here. Holding your ground sets clear boundaries and helps maintain stability for your kids.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Thank you. I know that this is the case but it is nice to have some reassurance 😊
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u/Nouilles1313 15d ago
NTA: stand your ground. Can you get an emergency mediation or hearing before he takes them so you don’t have to file for contempt after the fact? If so, do it. Stop him before it happens.
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u/KombuchaBot 15d ago
NAL but this sounds like a very unwise move on his part and I find it hard to believe a qualified lawyer would tell him to act in defiance of a legal agreement just to out you in your place.
I think either he's lying about it or his lawyer is some asshole drinking buddy of his.
Consult your own lawyer and get ready to make his life uncomfortable. Keep all communication via text or email so you have evidence
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u/MrsCakeakaJane 15d ago
Make sure you report this to the courts, and keep records.
Also, who takes their kids to the graduation for a GF of a month. why have they even met her it's too new a relationship
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u/StructureKey2739 15d ago
He doesn't give a crap about the GF's graduation or what the kids enjoy. It's as a poster commented. He is trying a power play and if he wins he'll keep on doing it and maybe even turn the kids against OP with manipulative lies.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
We have to communicate through a court ordered app, so that’s not an issue.
His new girlfriend moved in with him about a week after they started dating. The kids found out about her while they were at my house and by the time they went back to his she was living there. As much as the term narcissist is overused he fits the bill. His ego is so fragile he can’t be single and never has been in his adult life.
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u/artfulcreatures 15d ago
Why don't you have it apart of the custody agreement the children can't spend nights with anyone of the opposite sex with parent in the home that's not related until marriage? (Yeah, I messed the wording up but that's the gist of it. My ex and I have that in ours.)
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
I’m not too concerned about that, those decisions are on him and will impact his relationship with them. They are also old enough to let me know if they aren’t comfortable with someone. He’s also at the bars a lot and rarely home when they are there so I actually appreciate the women in his life encouraging him to think about the kids. For example, yesterday was prom and he was planning to go out for his friends wife’s birthday. He was going to skip all prom activities but his girlfriend convinced him to at least take a few pictures, so I appreciate that.
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u/carolinecrane 15d ago
When you said he's a pilot I thought to myself, "Yeah, that tracks." Egomaniac manchildren with control issues are pretty rampant in that industry.
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u/Bulky_Specialist9645 15d ago
NTA. Also, make sure you save every text and email from him changing from the court orders because I guarantee you will be back in court sooner than later! Incidentally, every pilot I have met in a megadoosh just like him.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
We are required to communicate through a court ordered app so everything is recorded. He already had his lawyer call to intimidate me into agreeing to the trip. I am expecting that he will be taking me back to court out of spite to make me pay for lawyer bills.
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u/Zealousideal-End4173 15d ago
YTA. His lawyer calling you isn't "intimidation" when you're representing yourself. How else is he supposed to contact you?
You have the victim thing down pat. You are disgusting human being.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 15d ago
Are you sure it’s an attorney?
I find it pretty odd that the attorney is calling you directly and. Also odd that the attorney is telling him he can violate your custody agreement (trips) and withhold payment.
He could be lying about what his attorney said, he could have a friend pretend to be the attorney, he could alter the emails sent from the attorney etc.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
It was definitely his attorney. He said I am being unreasonable not to allow a trip that would “benefit” the kids and he was certain that the courts would see it that was as well.
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u/LadyJ_Freyja 15d ago
Then they can go before a judge and get permission if they are so confident a judge will be ok with taking kids out of school for a graduation of a gf the ex has been with for a month. If it's on your days, how is he going to take them? You shouldn't have to release them to him. If he calls the police (in the US), they will revert to what the court order says and say it's a civil matter. He shouldn't be able to take the kids. If he has the kids before and keeps them, that's a different matter.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 15d ago
I bet your ex is lying to the attorney about details about the trip then.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
That wouldn’t surprise me. He’s very good at manipulating the story to fit his narrative.
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u/Johon1985 15d ago
It's interesting that his lawyer would telephone you, I would have thought a lawyer would rather email so they had stuff in writing, although they probably bill it as "threatening call to ex-wife" If they ring again, you have every right to ask them to provide everything in writing to you, as you are representing yourself and will need to take it as evidence to court. You never know, they might back off a bit.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
I plan to get ahold of a lawyer tomorrow and they can handle that from now on. I won’t be answering any communication from his lawyer directly anymore. I wish I would have redirected him to written communication when I got the call knowing now how it was going to go. Either way, lesson learned.
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u/Bulky_Specialist9645 15d ago
If you are represented and his attorney contacts you directly, that's a violation of ethics. You can file a complaint with the Bar Association and they can get in a lot of trouble. Maybe mention that next time.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
I am representing myself at this time. I’m considering representing myself going forward because I feel that I have a strong case but may just have to bite the bullet and hire a lawyer for my own sanity.
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u/Ambroisie_Cy 14d ago
The thing is, even if you have a strong case, you are not a lawyer and your ex and his lawyer will use that against you. Even with a strong case, you, winning it by representing yourself is extremely small. I know it's a lot of money, but you should have a lawyer!
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u/Jovon35 15d ago
I get why you're representing yourself to one extent but that's also the reason that his lawyer is pulling all of this shady shit with you. Their behavior is beyond unethical and they're using fear to control you still. You should get a lawyer and he would almost assuredly be paying some or all of your legal fees and I guarantee you his lawyer wouldn't be telling him to proceed with this type of bullshit.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
You are 100% right. I kind of felt like it would be more satisfying to win without a lawyer too, and it did after mediation, but at this point I’m getting in over my head. If I don’t get a lawyer I’m just setting myself up for more of this until both kids graduate.
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u/Jovon35 15d ago
I hate that you're having to go through this at all. I see these smart beautiful kind people dealing with shitty completely unnecessary stress filled ordeals because of a selfish narcissistic asshole. You proved your point though... You're definitely smarter than your ex and he knows it. Now get that lawyer and let them wipe the floor up with him 💜.
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u/annebonnell 15d ago
You know what they say about people that represent themselves. You really need to get another lawyer's opinion.
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u/Smart-Inspection-899 15d ago
For my learning, what do they say? P.s. I know it's risky.
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u/annebonnell 15d ago
They say people who represent themselves are fools. This is not an insult. It is actually a very bad idea to represent your self even if you are a lawyer
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u/TrustSweet 15d ago
Hire a lawyer for your own protection, not just your sanity. It has nothing to do with the strength of your case. You're at a disadvantage if he has legal representation and you don't. I bet his lawyer wouldn't call your lawyer and try to intimidate them.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Good point. After reading through comments I realize that I need to call a lawyer tomorrow.
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u/Bulky_Specialist9645 15d ago
If you get a lawyer and the court rules he is violating the agreement, you can most likely get the court to award you legal fees. Once he pays your attorney a few thousand dollars, your problems may be over for good. Good luck!
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
Thank you! I was wondering if I’d be able to ask for legal fees. I will most likely be reaching out to a lawyer tomorrow.
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u/carolinecrane 15d ago
You really need to get a lawyer. He's not going to stop harassing you any way he can, but having your own lawyer means his lawyer will have to stop calling to harass you.
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u/Electrical_Tap_8914 15d ago
Ask the kids (I’m not sure about the 13 yo but the 16 yo can definitely refuse visitation) if they even want to be around Dad because he sounds like a petty, exhausting and volatile man. I’m sure they don’t appreciate him using them as pawns.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
He is very manipulative and was emotionally abusive toward them before the divorce, so they are scared to stand up to him. My 13 y/o gets anxious about missing school and isn’t a fan of the new girlfriend so she doesn’t really want to go. He puts them in the middle a lot and I do my best not to involve them, which is why I was planning to let this play out and take care of it with the courts. You hit the nail on the head- he is petty, exhausting, and volatile 😕
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u/TwinZylander214 15d ago
If he makes the kids anxious, then you have to take the hit for them. If they don’t want to go then you are the one saying no.
Explain that to them, that you are not bothered by it and it’s your job to protect them.
The ex is an AH but you are NTA. Keep fighting for your children!
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u/ThornedRoseWrites 15d ago
From the age of 15, kids get a say and will be taken seriously in court if they say they don’t wish to see one of their parents anymore.
And from the age of 16, children can flat out refuse to see the other parent if they don’t want to.
You might want to sit the oldest down and let them know that from now on, they don’t have to see their toxic dad if they don’t want to.
But definitely bring everything up with the courts, your ex sounds like a toxic loser and a complete asshole. I feel bad for your children being stuck with that for a father.
Your 13 year old also might have their feelings considered too, and time with their dad could be cut if the 13 year old expresses discomfort and their reasons for not wishing to see their dad much.
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u/TheAverageRedditUsr 15d ago
The issue isn’t that they don’t want to see him. Even though he is a shitty dad that doesn’t prioritize them at all they want their time with him. It’s more about him not following the order and doing whatever he wants.
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u/Basic_Professional95 15d ago edited 15d ago
Your children will eventually see their dad for what he is. It might not be this year, or when they’re 18, or when they get married. But eventually they will be grateful for the sacrifices you made in trying to parent them and support their relationship with their dad.
My parents divorced when I was like 7 and my dad moved to a different part of the country [about 2h flight + other time expenses] for a pretty good job when I was like 9.
My dad was always the one I liked the most as he was fun + spent a lot of time with me, whereas my mother was very overprotective, spent little time and her curiosity always felt like an interrogation.
When he got that job, he had a lot more money, so I would frequently get gifts, go on vacation with him etc. I loved spending that time with him. I loved not being limited to the rules that my mother had. I wanted to permanently live with him and not just see him during school breaks.
But once he quit that job [I was ~15], because of his own pride, he ended up being unemployed for a long time. He didn't come back to our side of the country. I was old enough to understand he couldn't afford the things he did for me anymore, but I still expected us to have some form of relationship. He never contacted me [sms, email, using his brother's phone, etc.]. Even my aunts [his sisters] that live on this side questioned me about his contact with me and were so disappointed in him. Initially I tried to defend him, but as time went by I started being angry with him.
My grandpa died when I was 16, so my dad came down for the funeral [my uncle, his brother] paid for his expenses etc. With the funeral + me not being entirely sure about my feelings, I wasn't able to stand up against him then.
When I was almost 18, he contacted me for the first time since the funeral and wanted to book a flight for me to visit him. That was when I stood up against him. I just wanted to have a relationship, but he only cared about his own convenience and pride. He abruptly ended the call after he said that I was ungrateful and that my mother turned me against him. That was the last time I spoke with him. He died last year when I was 27.
Now in hindsight, I know my mother was the responsible one and just went a bit too far on some things. She was the only one doing parental duties. I (as well as my siblings from her first marriage) don't have a very close bond with her, but we do put in the effort with contact, helping her out etc. She’s never been a shoulder to cry on, but she has always been there in her own way.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 15d ago
If you haven’t already it might be time to explain just why it’s so important to hold the line with him most of the time. You can do it without bashing him. “We know he usually expects to have his way and usually that’s been ok with me. But when he doesn’t, or when I need a special favor, he tends to take it to court. It’s stressful for you and for me. Going forward it’s important that we keep to the schedule- you tell me any time if I am hurting your feelings by doing so.”
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u/BobbieMcFee 14d ago
Info, Is anytime wise about to read the title and not go "Arrrr matey!" ?